Showing posts with label SCC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SCC. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 8, 2024

Dallas Denny's Keynote and Shoutout

Last week, I was stunned to hear that the legendary Dallas Denny quoted me in her TG Forum piece, which was from a keynote speech she delivered.  (Link to the TG Forum pieces HERE)

On the extremely unlikely chance that you've never heard of her, the following bio is from her website (linked above)

"Dallas Denny has been a leader in the transgender rights movement since the 1980s. Her work as an advocate,  writer, editor, and community builder have played a significant role in the advancement of rights for transsexual and transgender people in North America and around the world."

(from Wikipedia) "In 1990 Denny founded the 501(c)(3) nonprofit American Educational Gender Information Service (now Gender Education & Advocacy, Inc.). In the same year she started the Atlanta Gender Explorations Support Group and launched the print journal Chrysalis Quarterly. In 1993 she founded the National Transgender Library & Archive, which now resides in the Labadie Collection at The University of Michigan Library System. Also in the 1990s she continued the work of the Erickson Educational Foundation. She was a founder of Atlanta's transgender Southern Comfort Conference and provided start up funding, through AEGIS, for the first FTM Conference of the Americas. She was Director of the transgender conference Fantasia Fair for five years and from 1999-2008 editor of Transgender Tapestry Journal, published by the International Foundation for Gender Education.

Since 1989 Denny has produced dozens of flyers, booklets, and medical advisories, contributed considerable content to Chrysalis, AEGIS' several newsletters, and Transgender Tapestry, and written a column for TG Forum. She wrote hundreds of articles for transgender community magazines and newsletters, many of which were widely reprinted and eventually placed on the internet. In 1994 her book Gender Dysphoria: A Guide to Research was the first book-length contribution to the scientific literature of transsexualism produced by a transsexual."

Add to that, she's been a mentor and friend.  I'm honored beyond words that she would cite my work.  In any case, here's the piece, reprinted in full with her kind permission.  Please hit the TG Forum link to give her some hit love there too.


Dallas Denny (from FB)


*********************************************************************************

The following are my notes for the keynote I delivered at the third Paradise Conference, which was held in Atlanta from April 18-21, 2024. My thanks to TGForum contributor Sophie Lynne for her recent article here about anti-trans legislation and to Jamison Green, Chelsea Goodwin, and Lola Cola, for our conversations.

Here’s a link to Sophie’s article.


Disinformation, Misinformation, and Cognitive Dissonance

Keynote, Paradise Conference 2024

By Dallas Denny

Hello, everyone. It’s great to see old friends and friends soon to be live and in person.

I’m honored to have been chosen to give this keynote. I would like to thank Toni Cane and the board of directors of Paradise Conference for giving me this opportunity to address you.

Conferences like this are important. Contact with one another on social media and via e-mail is also important, but it doesn’t replace face-to-face contact. When we arrive here, we are with our tribe, and we know it and respond to it. We are loved without reservation and free to be ourselves, a luxury many of us don’t have in our everyday lives. So thank you, everyone, for being here.

I intended to talk today about something I have never really addressed in public—my life and my work. I have been an activist in this community since the 1980s and I have had a wonderful career and met many remarkable people and seen some amazing things. I have witnessed with joy the increasing freedoms and legal protections and growth of community that have occurred over the past 35 or so years— but  due to recent conversations with Jamison Green, Chelea Goodwin, and Lola Cola—who is in the room tonight—I asked  that my planned talk be moved to a workshop so that tonight I could talk about something more important  than myself.

I’ll introduce this topic by telling you about a Facebook post I read on the airplane on my way here to Atlanta. A woman, a stranger, scolded the man who wrote the post. She said to him, “This is San Diego. You need to speak English.” He asked her, “How do you say San Diego in English?” The result? A dumbfounded expression. This is important, and I will work my way back around to it.

What I am talking about tonight is the incredible rising tide of anti-trans rhetoric, violence, and legislation that is being directed at us. We are not strangers to violence and hate, but we have become the subject of a vast coordinated and well-planned attack from the far right. Since Rowe vs. Wade was disposed of by the U.S. Supreme Court, we have become, as my friend Sophie Lynne wrote in a recent article on the website TG Forum, the new bogeymen.

Those positioning themselves as our enemies are evangelistic Christians, white nationalists, a political party I will not mention, and a small group of women known as trans-exclusionary lesbian feminists. Sometimes they are even supported from within our own ranks. I’m looking at you, Caitlin Jenner! They are organized in ways we are not, and they are massively funded by billionaires and organizations including the Heritage Foundation, the Family Research Council, and the Alliance Defending Freedom. They lobby and influence local, state, and national congressmen and women and spread disinformation and misinformation about trans people to the American public.

Working in tandem, The American Legislative Exchange Council and the Congressional Prayer Caucus write anti-trans bills which they send to senators and congressmen in every state, who put them into play—and many become the law of the land.

In her essay, Sophie Lynne wrote “Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 539 bills (20 passed) and we’re only one-third of the way through the year.”

These bills span a wide range: Here are examples of some of the more moderate state bills that have been brought forth, many of which have become law and more of which will soon be: requiring teachers to use the birth names of students who have transitioned and criminalizing them for any mention of homosexuality or transgender identity. Requiring trans students to use the bathroom and locker rooms of the gender they were assigned at birth—can you imagine how traumatic and damaging that would be to a transitioned boy or girl? Banning students from participating in sports as a member of their identified gender. Requiring teachers to inform on trans children to their parents. And again, these are the milder ones.

In Texas, parents who affirm their trans childrens’ gender are subject to investigation by child protective services. In Tennessee—this one is not due to law, but to a malevolent state attorney general—Vanderbilt University was coerced into turning over the medical records of the patients of their gender clinic. I went to graduate school at Vanderbilt in the 1980s and a decade before that was a patient of their gender clinic. I find myself wondering if my records are with the Tennessee state attorney general.

Bills in some states have banned changes of gender marker on identifying documents like birth certificates and driver’s licenses, and in Florida, I believe it is, those who have changed their markers will now have their documents voided and replaced by ones with their birth genders. In another state—I believe Texas—honestly, reports of these bills are coming in so fast I can’t keep up with them—the attorney general has suggested putting all trans people on the sex offender’s list. Also in Texas, the governor has stated his plans to prevent any transgender or nonbinary person from teaching in schools. And in some states, gender-affirming medical treatment—not only hormones are prohibited for those under eighteen, but medicines that delay puberty so families will have time to sort things out.

As a result of this hate and legislative malevolence, violence directed at us is on the rise.

It should be obvious to everyone here that we are in great danger of being criminalized merely because we exist. Around the country, at every level, local, state, and national, trans people are struggling and mobilizing to stand up to this tyranny. We each can and should do our part. That doesn’t necessarily mean outing yourself or engaging in direct action like lobbying your congressperson. If you’re not comfortable with such, your dollars will help. But above all, I beg you—whatever your political affiliation, VOTE. Please. VOTE.

Now, you might think this wraps up my talk, but we’re only at the halfway point. I will now attempt to briefly explain to you why this is a dangerous moment for the world and for America.

When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, Americans got their news from trusted sources—primarily newspapers, magazines, and the evening news on the three existing channels:  ABC, NBC, and CBS. News was delivered by trusted commentators like Walter Kronkite and Chet Huntley and David Brinkley. Being journalists, they did their best to give America the news, and, being human, they sometimes skewed it a bit. But listeners had a common point of view from which to take exception and talk or argue about local, national, and international politics, fashion, and the weather.

Those days are long gone. Today there are channels leading to the left and others far, far to the right, and many people get their information solely or almost entirely from single sources that cannot in any reasonable fashion be called news. That of course increased the divide, But to make matters worse, since the mid 2010s there have been increasing sources of disinformation and misinformation. Countries like Russia, North Korea, China, and Saudi Arabia hire hundreds and thousands of English-speakers to twist facts or, more often, just make stuff up. They reach millions of Americans through fake but convincingly serious-looking websites and social media accounts. This makes it difficult and sometimes almost impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff, and as a result Americans, and especially gullible and low information Americans, have come to believe and build their private realities on things most bizarre: The earth is flat; the moon landing was faked by Stanley Kubrick. As an aside, I knew Kubrick’s cinematographer for the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey—Jack Malick, who, as Andrea Susan, was one of us. The moon landing was NOT faked. Jet contrails are a government plot to change the atmosphere or poison us. The Sandy Hook school shooting was staged and the bereaved parents are all paid actors. Democrats run a child pornography ring in the basement of a pizza restaurant that has no basement. Imagine the face of the MAGA shooter who showed up with his AR-15 and found that out. COVID vaccines are a government ploy to alter your DNA and allow the government to track you—as if they can’t already do that by pinging that cell phone in your hand. COVID itself, which killed more than one million Americans and left millions of others with long-term disabilities, is itself a hoax, Climate change is a hoax. 

People are absolutely convinced these things are true. They of course are not. They make absolutely no sense and are easily disproven by those who care to look at reliable sources, which most conspiracy theorists refuse to do. Instead, they find confirmation through social media accounts, some of which belong to fellow conspiracy theorists, and most of which are run by foreign trolls. They find a couple of disinformative articles on Google that justify their conclusions while failing to cite any actual data, and they call it doing research. That is absolutely NOT research. Research involves going to primary sources, and they’re too lazy to do that. Meanwhile, they scoff at and discredit scientists who are doing REAL research. And let me be clear.  Science is real. It is our most important tool. Without science, I would not have survived childhood, and neither would many of you. We would not be traveling to conferences like this in planes and cars, for there WOULD be no planes and cars. We would still be mired in illogical, superstitious beliefs that held humanity back for millennia.

To make matters worse, and soon to be far worse, now, suddenly, AI is upon is. We have already been told to believe what the bots are telling us and not our lying eyes and ears—now AI is being used to crank out disinformation in clever ways and create utterly believable images that DO trick our eyes and ears. I am forever seeing images on Facebook showing impossibly giant humans and female celebrities I know did nor pose in that swimsuit. They’re not real, but they LOOK convincingly real unless you count the fingers. But many people, I know, take it all in as fact.

This is the crux of our nation’s problem .

At this point half of the U.S. population believes Joe Biden, age 81, is too old to be President, and Donald Trump is not. Trump is three-and-a-half years younger than Biden and, should he win the November Presidential election, would be older than Biden is now at the end of his term. Half of the population believes Biden, who is extraordinarily mentally sharp and speaks in logically constructed sentences, is senile and Donald Trump, who shows clinical signs of senility and speaks in word salad, is sharp. I say this as someone with a license to practice psychology and who had a career as a psychometrist. Look at transcripts of Donald Trump’s speech. It wasn’t that way when he was younger. And compare it to transcripts of Joe Biden’s speech. Who is coherent?

I say this not to raise one Presidential candidate over another, but to point out that within a matter of weeks half of Americans came to believe Joe Biden is a decrepit, senile old man. Disinformation and misinformation. It’s devastatingly effective in the United States today.

As I conclude, I circle back, as promised, to the woman in San Diego. When her beliefs were challenged in a simple and direct way— “How do you say San Diego in English,”—what happened? Brain freeze.

In the mid-twentieth century, long before today’s sophisticated methods of mental manipulation came into play, a psychologist called Leon Festinger studied people with false fear-provoking ideas. He discovered that people with such beliefs were extraordinarily resistant to information that challenged their beliefs. They would in fact do considerable mental gymnastics to avoid even hearing data that was counter to their false beliefs. Festinger called this cognitive dissonance. And it perfectly describes the woman in San Diego.

This is why we’re in trouble. Half the population believes trans people are abusing children. Half believe we just want to invade bathrooms of the opposite sex. Half believe we are mentally ill, or sinners, or sexual deviants—and they will not be easily unconvinced.

However we identify—as crossdressers, as transsexuals, as transgender, as nonbinary—we must stand up for ourselves and our rights as Americans. And so I ask you again to, within the boundaries of your safety, do what you can to help being this country back into equilibrium. Contact politicians. Speak in public. Write letters to editors. And if you cannot do these direct things, consider working a phone bank, making calls that will not identify you, or mail postcards to voters. Provide financial support to organizations fighting for our freedoms—the American Civil Liberties Union, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and new groups that are forming. And please, vote, vote, vote!

Thank you for your time and attention.

Friday, January 3, 2020

Last Decade

I know I write about the past often.  I'm still trying to understand who I am, and why, so looking at the past is one way that I do this.  For that reason, I don't often do "year in review" things.  However, this time it's a new decade.  2020 marks the 7th decade in which I've lived.

I was born in 1966.  I only have a few vague memories of the 60s.  I remember watching the moon landing.  I remember falling down the stairs when I was two (I remember the sensation of falling and thinking "whee! I'm flying!) and breaking my arm (I don't remember that part.)

I remember the 70s.  I remember a dream from when I was three: a huge blob of living lava burned through a barn (this barn really existed, and had a huge hole in the one side, so...) Also in that dream there were a parade of brachiosauruses on the horizon, moving left to right.  Most of my childhood was the 70s.  However, it was also the decade of Star Wars, which changed my life as it did so many others.  

I began the 80s in junior high school.  I ended them as a college graduate.  In most ways that count, the 80s is when I "grew up."  Burned all my girl clothes because "men don't play dress up."  I fell into deep depression, from which I still haven't recovered.  Until recently, it was the decade of greatest change in my life.

In the 90s, I met and married my Wife.  I moved to Baltimore to work for Games Workshop.  Bought my first (and only) house.

00s... A decade of Hell.  We moved back to Pa to live with Wife's mother (MIL.)  My drinking was out of control.  Earned Masters degree.  I was angry at everything, especially myself.  I wrote a book, hoping to figure out why.  Daughter was born in 07.  Then my True self reemerged in 08 after 25 years of suppression.  Oh, and I started this blog on Myspace.

At the dawn of 2010, I was a VERY closeted cross dresser who was very confused and depressed.



I didn't know how deeply my femme self went, and I fought it as hard as I could.  In 2012, I finally stopped lying to my wife three and a half years after my "re-emergence" and told her all about Sophie

Also in 2012, I met a person who would affect my life profoundly: Lisa Empanada.  She was a friend and mentor, but more- she understood the Darkness in my soul, as she had it as well.

August 2012.  I was arrested for drunk driving.  I finally got help for my drinking.  I paid the price for my stupidity.

In December 2012, I decided, with Wife's consent, to start HRT.  I wasn't sure about transitioning, but heard that a low dose of estrogen helped with dysphoria.  It did.

Events escalated quickly.  I began getting more freelance work as an Instructional designer, so I was able to start paying off debts.  I also worked part time at Penn State Great Valley.  Then, in late summer of 2013,  MIL discovered I was transgender, and gave me 48 hours to move out.  Wife told me she was not coming with me, which crushed me.  I moved out on August 30, 2013. 


With Lisa at SCC

A week after I travelled to the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC), where I was "pinned in" as a sister of Vanity Club.  While there, I met someone who I didn't know would be a central figure of my life: Linda Lewis.  Lisa arrived the last day of the conference, which surprised me.  I didn't realize that this would be the last time we would ever speak. 

My birthday was September 13.  Four days later, on September 17, 2013, I was told that Lisa died of suicide.  After being thrown out, other issues, then her death, I tail-spinned into the Darkness.  I really don't know how I survived that month, and the next few. 

In late December 2013, Linda Lewis arrived from Michigan on her way to Florida.  Things fell apart while she was staying at the house where a dear friend graciously let me stay, and she stayed in Pa. 

March 2014.  I finally started living my Truth.  Lost 90% of my friends, and Instructional design calls stopped.

June 2014.  Linda and I found an apartment together, soon to be joined by Zoey, without whom we would've been homeless. 

June 2015, Linda and I moved to Phoenixville (Zoey previously moved back to Iowa) where I was closer to Wife and daughter. 


Cast of Dracula, 2019

November 2016.  The election puts a maniac in charge of our country.  Hate crimes against minorities, including transgender people, rise dramatically.  The end of the American experiment is a real possibility.

February 2017.  I made my stage debut as Sophie in the Vagina Monologues.  Sold out show. 

February 2018.  I lost my book store job after 14 years.  I was unemployed, except for odd jobs and Lyft, for over a year.  I felt absolutely worthless.

May 2018.  I travelled to the UK to reconnect with family and myself. 

January 2019.  I played a Maid in a local production of Dracula.  Sold out run. 

June 2019.  I played the courtesan Tintinabula in a local production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  It will be my last play for a long time, as I have no time while studying.

August 2019: Linda and I moved to Penn State so I could begin my PhD studies in Adult and Continuing Education, after being accepted in March.


Linda and I in State College, 2019

Now it's January 2020.  I'm in my apartment in State College.  The new semester starts in a week.  How would I summarize the last decade?

Pain. 

Worst decade of my life. 

So many losses.  So much Pain.  Combined with deaths, and the uncertainty of who I really was, the Darkness was (and still is) still waiting to claim me as it did Lisa.  I am far from the same person who started the decade- in fact it was a whole different life.  Seems so distant, but it wasn't that long ago.   I started the decade as a "guy" in deep Pain, 

At the dawn of a New Decade, I feel useful.  I finished my first semester of doctoral study with a 3.97.  I work as a graduate assistant for the University.  Linda is also working.  I've made some new friends, and I'm mentoring an undergraduate transgender woman (still taking her earliest steps,) but for the most part keep to myself.  The colossal amount of homework precludes a social life. 

I'm living now as I have been for the past several years: day by day.  I don't make plans.  I do what I need to do.  People come and go.  Now in State College, I'll fade from more people's lives.  That's the way of things.


Cast of Forum

I still have no Hope.  45 is still in the White House, and it seems like weekly I lose more rights simply because I was born transgender.  Money is still a struggle, so surgeries are out of the question. 

Yet, I'm doing something here that may help others.  If I can help one transgender person have an easier time in transitioning, and/or survive, then this will all be worth it.  Nice to have purpose again.

So, this new decade brings so many challenges.  May it bring all of you happiness.

Be well.








Friday, November 16, 2018

Bye Big Sister

The older one gets, the more used to "goodbyes" they become.

I'm only 52, and I've lost so many friends for so many reasons.  Most due to transition (yeah, I know- "not really friends" and all that); some to distance; others still because we no longer work together and our circles just no longer intersect.  I've lost far too many to Death already.  Seems to be a curse: friends of mine die young.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I never had many friends.

In any case, I've often written about my "Big Sister" Mel.  From Codex SophieMel transitioned in 2003.  She is an incredibly intelligent woman, and very plain spoken.  My therapist asked Mel to advise and mentor me, and we've become good friends.  I wouldn't be where I am today with out her candid, sometimes brutal, advice.  Mel is very good friends with Donna Rose, who was HER big sister.

I met Mel in 2009, at Angela's Laptop Lounge.  She came specifically to meet me, she said.  She didn't do many transgender events anymore, as she was pretty much stealth.  That said, she loved Southern Comfort Conference, where she saw many friends (she and I roomed together at my only SCC in 2013.)

Dr. Osborne asked her to advise me since, when Mel transitioned, she had two young children.  When I started seeing Dr. Osborne, my daughter was just over a year old.  Aside from Laptop, I would see Mel once a month or so.  We'd go to lunch or happy hour.

She taught me many important lessons.  The most important was "Transition should be the last resort.  Don't transition unless you have no other choice."  She was absolutely right.  When I decided to transition, it was a decision literally between Transition vs Blow my head off.  (I've written about this a few times.)

Our relationship started as a "mentor-student" thing.  Eventually, it evolved to a solid friendship.  She is one of the most intelligent people I know (she predicted the crash of 2008 years before it happened, and exactly how it would happen.)  She worked on Wall Street in the early 80s, and does she ever have stories!  I keep telling her she should write a book, but she modestly demurs.  Aside from finance, she is a scholar of religious history.  Oh, and, like me, she's a MAJOR Bob Dylan fan.

She and I don't always see eye-to-eye.  Her politics are moderate/right (Rockefeller Republican), but she quit the party years ago, and hates what the party has become.  She's not shy when it comes to telling me when I screw up, yet she's always there to help me sort things out as well.

The day I was thrown out of MIL's house, I called both my therapist and Mel.  I went over to Mel's apartment, where we talked and I cried and cried.  God, that was a horrible day!

There was a bright spot: while I was walking from the car to Mel's door, I received an email telling me that I'd been accepted into Vanity Club.  On any other day, I would've been ecstatic.  But not that day.

On December 10, 2012, I was serving my license suspension.  Mel drove me to the Mazzoni Center, where I received my first prescription for HRT: Hormone Replacement Therapy.

She's been a rock on which I could depend.

Now, she's moving home.

Her elderly mother is ailing, and needs help, so Mel is moving back to her hometown in upper New York State.

We'll still talk, of course.  And text.  But there's nothing like face to face, and that will be VERY rare for a while, if not for good.


Heading out to see Mel last Monday.

Last Monday, we got together one last time at McKenzies.  (We used to go to Shangrila, but it closed.  She loved the sushi there.)  We had a drink or two, had some appetizers, talked a bit like we always did, and then parted.  I took a picture of the two of us, but I won't post it.  She's very strict about that- no pictures.  We hugged, and, when we were getting into our respective cars, I turned and thanked her for everything she's done for me.

She knows how I think of her.  I just wanted to say it publically as well.

Be well, Mel.  You're one of the main reasons that I'm alive to write this today.




Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Inspirations: Linda Lewis

This is the second in an occasional series about women who inspired me over the years, and continue to inspire me.  The first was Kimberly Huddle.

I often write about Linda Lewis in my blog and on my facialbook.  I often refer to her as the "Internet Sensation" and other things like that.  How do I know Linda, and who is she really?


The Gorgeous Linda Lewis, June 2017

Well, I guess it should start back when I found out about her. My femme side resurfaced in 2008- that is true- but I knew about trans sites before that. Around 2001, I was doing an internet search for fiction sites so I could post my work, and Fictionmania came up.  For those who don't know, Fictionmania is a transgender site.  I remember starting to read a story there and I was hooked.  I couldn't believe that there was a site that had stories such as these- stories that spoke to something that I had long buried.  From there, I started looking up other transgender sites, and very quickly after I found Linda Lewis.

Linda ran two websites at the time- one with just regular Linda pictures and her interviews from various magazines like Ladylike, and there was another one that specialized in pictures of her with very big boobs.  (She took most of those on a Super Bowl Sunday, though I forget which one.)  In any case, she also has a Flickr page, where she has all these fans. She was amazing, gorgeous, and untouchable: she was an Icon.  And she still is.



Heck she even appeared in ads!  When I reawakened in 2008, I started looking for things that would improve my figure etc.  One of the places I found made scientifically designed hip pads for Trans people- called Classic Curves.   A new one had just come out: the Veronica 4, and there on the ad was Linda Lewis- sitting on a stool in a red dress looking absolutely stunning.  Later in my search, I found a site which sold breast prosthetics.  It was an British site called Proactive Prosthetics, and there she was again- modeling the breast prosthetics.  I was like "this woman is everywhere!" and again I thought she was some kind of Royalty.  I put her up there with several other icons such as Heidi Phox, Donna Kelli, Kimberly Huddle, and just so many others.

Ad for Classic Curves

In 2009, that I sent Linda a flickr message, asking her about the breast prosthetics and about the Veronica.  She kindly responded, and I felt I'd been touched by the hand of God.  I ended up purchasing both of those items over time.  They were expensive, but I had a specific idea of how I wanted "Sophie" to look.  I wanted her to have beautiful hips and big boobs.  I figured these would offset my very large shoulders.  I reasoned that if I had big boobs, nobody would be looking at my face.  That rationale continues to this day.  Fortunately, my genetics gave them to me.

Years later, Linda posted something on Facialbook.  I forget exactly what it was, but she seemed very down.  She had a health scare of some kind, which I later found out was a collapsed lung.  She needed financial help.  I sent what I could.  It was then that she and I started chat.  I found out that we had a lot of movies and music in common.  One day, when I was trying to send her a DVD, I managed to call her.  I was so nervous!  I couldn't believe that I would be calling Linda Lewis! I left her a message, and she called back.  A tenuous friendship began.

Eventually, I was asked to join Vanity Club.  I spoke to Linda a lot about this.  Although she is not my "Big Sister," she did coach me a lot, and I am grateful.

I decided that I was going to go to the Southern Comfort Conference.  I was talking to my dear friend Stephanie Shostak about Linda.  She had also helped Linda financially a little.  Now this is saying something because Linda is a very proud person, and doesn't like asking for help.  Between us, we figured we were going to get Linda Lewis to Southern Comfort as well.  We figured out a way to get her a hotel room- she would room with a friend I knew, and between us we paid for her transportation.  I didn't realize when this started that by the time Southern Comfort came around, my life would have completely turned upside down.


1984

I've written before about how, at SCC, I pissed Linda off, and it made me think about how she was not an icon- that she's just a human being like the rest of us.  And God knows I've pissed her off several times since then, just as she's made me angry.  That's what happens when you know someone well.  In any case, after SCC we parted ways and she went back to Michigan.

A couple months later, she was supposed to move down to Florida.  The details there are personal, and I will not speak of them.  However, she was delayed- she couldn't move down to Florida, but her lease was up in Michigan.  She had nowhere to go.  I asked my dear friend M, with whom I was staying, if she could put Linda up for a couple weeks.  She readily agreed, because she is the kind of person who Helps.  So it was that in late December 2013, I met Linda Lewis in her drab mode at State College, Pennsylvania, where had we agreed to meet.  Only a week before, I was headed this way to blow my head off, but I turned around.  It was a rainy, snowy, messy day, and she followed me from there back to the house where we would both stay for another six months. I lived on the second floor, while she lived in the basement, but it was during that time that I got to know the woman behind the Legend.  I thought she would just be there for a few weeks.  However that was not the case, as she kept getting delayed through no fault of her own.

Eventually she gave up on Florida, and we decided to get an apartment in Pennsylvania.  So we moved out, found a third roommate Zoey (without whom we would have been on the street- and we will be forever in her debt.)  We lived there for a year, and then moved to our current place.


Road Trip- July 2014

Linda and I are best friends. We are not romantic at all, because, One: I'm not her type, and Two: I'm married.  However, I would die for her, and I hope she knows that.  There aren't many people for whom I would take a bullet- less than a handful- but she is one of them.  I promised her that as long as there is breath in my body, she will never be alone.

So we will go through the rest of our lives, hopefully, as best friends and companions through this Whirlwind that is transition.  She is on the cusp of going full-time herself, as the hormones are doing their work, and soon she will be unable to hide her femininity.  I look forward to that time, and I know she does as well.

There are so many things that make up a transition, and Linda has been instrumental. I could not have done it without her; she was there that first day when I declared myself full-time.  She was there my first day of work as a woman, and she has been with me every step of the way.  She has done her best to help me when the Darkness has me firmly in its grip.  Linda is one of the wisest people I know (and her knowledge of the Space program puts some Phd's to shame!)

She is my Bestie, and I love her.

Linda is a legend- even if she doesn't think she is.  She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

She is Linda Lewis.


Thursday, March 30, 2017

Requiem for a Relic

This may sound frivolous.  Stupid.  Inane.  But here it is anyway.

When I went to the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in September 2013, I was reeling.  I'd just been thrown out of the place I was living by my MIL.  I was living at the charity of a friend.  I didn't realize how this road trip to Georgia would change my life.

Before that all happened, I agreed with my dear friend Stephanie S. to sponsor bringing Trans Icon Linda Lewis to SCC.  At this point, I hadn't met her- just spoken on the phone a few times.  On the second day of the conference, blasted by a hangover, I met Linda.  I was star struck.

After a quick lunch, Linda, myself, and Devrah (Linda's roomie for the conference) went shopping.  I drove.  First we went to a makeup store, so Linda could help Devrah select a proper makeup "palette."  We then went to a nearby mall.  While there, we went to Victoria's Secret.


Shopping with an Icon

At Victoria's Secret, I bought two bras- one of which was a navy blue 38C.  It was soooo comfortable.  It quickly became my favorite bra.

I wore it a LOT.

Well, today I put on my favorite navy blue bra.  It was a little tight and caused fierce cleavage (darn!) Then I went to work.  And maybe two hours into my shift, I felt something poking into my right side.  It hurt!

Yes, the underwire had poked through the fabric.

So after three and a half years, the navy blue bra was done.

It was my favorite not just because it was comfortable, or because it was flattering.  I even continued to wear it when I "outgrew" it (I'm now a full D.)

Why?

Because it represented something.  It was a tangible reminder of that trip.  A Souvenir of sorts.  On that trip, I met Linda, who would become my bestie and roomie.  And it was the last time I saw my dearest friend Lisa.  I still remember her smile as she waved to me after we parted.


With Lisa that Final Night

Two women, one entering my life and one leaving it- only I had no idea that either was happening.

Lisa changed my life.  And Linda has changed my life.

Tomorrow, I will put the worn out navy blue bra in a plastic baggie.  I will take it to my storage site, where it will be put in a box of mementos- well, actually a box of bras I don't wear.  I don't wear them because they are way too small- mostly B cups.  They were Lisa's.  Her widow Sandy gave them to me among many other things of Lisa's.  The navy blue bra will join them in their box: retired.

Because I absolutely cannot consider parting with it.  It is, for me, a Totem: a Holy Relic of a time now Passed; of a trip that represented a clear dividing point of my Life Before, and my Life Now.

Of two people who, with their presence in my life have defined me.

Lisa.

Linda.

Am I reading too much into this?  I don't think so.  Perhaps I am just frivolous.  Stupid.  Inane.

But there it is anyway.

Be Well.


***** See me read this entry HERE ******

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Drifting Thoughts

It's Christmas time in Retail.  Usually my mind is on my work, but occasionally it wanders.

With the gorgeous Jone at the Renaissance Party


For example, last Saturday I worked all day.  It was extremely busy and I encountered some abusive customers.  But that night I attended two parties.  The first was the annual Renaissance Christmas party, hosted by the amazing Kristyn King.  The second was the 10th Anniversary Angela's Laptop Lounge Party at Baxters.

And both were a LOT of fun!  I wore my scarlet dress for the first time since Southern Comfort 2013 gala... the last night I saw Lisa Empanada alive.  I received many compliments on it, which helped my decidedly anti-holiday mood.

However, my roomie and I left them both early, as we both had to wake up early the next morning for work. As I undressed back at the apartment, a thought struck me.  I remembered all the times I changed in motel rooms before going home to my Wife.  And I remember how sad it made me.  I would usually take a few last pictures, then look in the mirror.  Looking back at me was the woman I knew was inside...and I had to say goodbye to her, usually for another whole month. Often I whispered "Goodbye Sophie" before first removing my false eyelashes, then my wig...

It was very hard to do.  And as time went on, it became almost impossible.  I would cry as I took that last look.  Then of course, in August 2013, I was thrown out of the house, so I no longer had to worry about changing in motel rooms.

Another bit I don't miss are the "Pink Hangovers."  That's the enormous letdown in the days following an event.  Think of it this way- for a full night, I was Myself, among people who Really understood me and who knew me for who I really was.  And during that time, I was my True Self.  Then I had to go back into my shell.  I had to go back to pretending- to playing the role that had grown onerous.  It was pure hell, knowing who I really was and having to hide.

With Katie and Linda at Laptop

Now, I see a woman whenever I look in a mirror.  But I do not take that for granted.  After all those times gazing at motel mirrors; after all the tears; I am proud of what I have earned.  Sometimes while getting ready for work in the morning, I pause in front of the full length mirror in the bedroom.  I look at myself- as I am now.   And I smile.  Am I where I want to be yet?  No.  Far from.  But I've come a long way.


However, there is another thought that keeps drifting in, especially when I lay in bed at night.  I think about who I was, and what I did to my Wife.  She thought she married a man.  What happened was so unfair to her.  Was our marriage perfect?  No.  But none are.  The picture that comes to me is one as I was, as a man.  And my hand is extended to her, waiting for her to take it.  Waiting for her to take the hand of her husband so that we may embrace.  So that we may express the Love that we share.

That man is gone.  Did he ever truly exist?  Replacing him is a middle age woman with whom my Wife now shares co-parenting duties.  We still get along very well.  in some ways, nothing has changed.  We went to see Star Wars last week.  We are both fanatics.  We discussed Star Wars and music on our first date back in 1991.  For her birthday years ago, I gave her a vintage Star Wars movie poster (Style A for those who know what that means.)  It cost a fortune, but she loved it.  My wedding gift to her was a Star Wars 10th anniversary print that I had framed.  And it was just like when we were dating.  Just the two of us, enjoying an afternoon at the movies.

Transition is about Loss.  I knew what I was giving up.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  Badly.  When I think about that- when that image drifts into my mind, I always cry.

My life is currently far from perfect.  However, living my life authentically is so amazing.  This is what transition is all about- being who I truly am.  I've written it many times- that we as Transpeople have the advantage of knowing Who we really are.  How many people can say that?

May your Holidays bring you peace.

Be Well.









Tuesday, April 21, 2015

In Awe

Ever been Star Struck?  I have.

I've met many celebrities, usually when bartending, but some by sheer coincidence.  And the first few I met I was struck dumb.  I didn't say much as I didn't want to seem an idiot.  The first "celebrity" I met was in 1985, when I met Roger Daltrey of the Who after his solo show at the Tower Theater in Philly.  I was so star struck I didn't even ask for an autograph.  I shook his hand though.

In time I got better at it.  I was at my best when I met Paul Simon at a Yes concert (also at the Tower) some years ago.  He was cool, really nice, and shook my hand as well.  I told him I loved his music.

For that matter, I met most of Yes, but at a different occasion.

I have gotten better at it, but that means it still doesn't happen.  And the funny thing is, for me, it happens at TG conventions.

Here's an example.

Back in 2013, I attended my first Southern Comfort Conference (I wrote about it HERE.) There I met several women whom I had admired for their beauty and seeming grace.  Ana Cristina Garcia, Laura Lenley, Stephanie Yates and others. I was friends with several on Facialbook, but meeting them?

With Ana Cristina Garcia


Yes, I was a Fan girl.  And I tried my best not to make an ass of myself.  But I did.  And I discovered that they were so very nice and accepting.  Ana is a warm and fun person, and Laura is as fun as I imagined.  And Stephanie Yates didn't disappoint either!  I am a better person for having met them.

One in particular I was a fan girl of was Linda Lewis.  And I managed to make her angry.  Over time, I got to know her, and I was able to help her in her time of need.  We are now roomies and best friends.  I learned a valuable lesson at SCC, and since... that people we admire are People.  Linda is one of the most down to Earth and practical people I know, yet has a wicked sense of humor.  And did you know she's a fellow Trekker?

LLAP

Another example is the amazing Donna Rose.  I met her on several occasions and she is simply a treasure.  It turns out she's a "Big Sister" to my "Big Sister" Mel.  When I first met her I was absolutely tongue tied.

But even that knowledge didn't help at Keystone.  Nope, I was stunned into gaping silence by the beauty of several women, most of them Vanity Club sisters.

Here's an example.

Stephanie Wardlow is a fellow VC sister.  She's absolutely stunning, and by all accounts an extremely nice person.  I've posed with pictures with her.  Heck, we sat at the same table at the Keystone Gala this year.  But she'd so damn beautiful I was star struck. I don't think I said even a word to her, and those who know me know how strange that is, as I'm a talker.

With Stephanie at SCC 2013


There are women I'd love to meet someday, but I fear I'd be a blithering idiot.  Women like Heidi Phox and Samantha Johns.  There are others of course, but I'll keep this entry short.

Something I just thought about.  I write occasionally about people coming up to me and complimenting me on my blog and stuff.  Do they feel that way about me?  Nahhh... they all seemed quite in control.


Star Struck.  It's seems so strange.  I know these people are just human like me, but, without even knowing them, I elevate them to a higher plane than myself.  Self esteem issue?  Maybe.  At least I know I'm not a narcissist.

In any case, I wonder how many people get star struck out there.  Do you dear reader?  Hey, you could share your experience in the comment section!  That could be fun!  :)

Be Well!


Sunday, September 7, 2014

Last Talk- a Year Later

September 7, 2013.  It was a Saturday.  Here's what I wrote about it then:


"I found Lisa near one of the bars.  She'd changed clothes as well.  She saw my mood, and we sat one a stone ledge in the lobby and talked.  And drank a bit.  

We discussed being a good parent.  She hadn't liked my idea of getting them a house.  And she felt that the only way to be the best possible parent to my daughter was to be a complete person.  

To transition.

I cried on her shoulder.  She also suggested that I be myself for the long drive home the following day.  

We hugged, and she held me closer than ever.  We parted ways, as I headed back to my room for some much needed sleep.  I turned and waved to her.  She waved back, smiling.

It was the last time I saw her alive."



The Final Night

That was a whole year ago today.  One full year has passed since I laid eyes on one of my best friends.  "My transition sister."  Lisa Empanada

She wrote about that night as well.  This is from a Facebook post:

"I miss you daddy" forced the tears to well up. Upon hearing about this, it caused a lump in my throat seeing the tears flow from a worried 'Daddy' who needs to focus on being the woman she is, in order to be the best parent she can be. All I could do was hug her...Dad to Dad.



I've written in this blog that I realize now that this was her saying goodbye. That our last hug which we held longer than before was meant to be Final.

I think about her every day.  And I think about what we spoke about.  She was emphatic that to be the best parent I could be, I had to be the best person I could be- the most complete person.  That meant going full time.  It would take me over six months, but I did it.

I wonder if she hadn't died and thrown me into the Darkness if I would've done it sooner?  Who knows?

Lisa and I had spoken many times about our transitions.  We were going to support each other through it- transition Together.  Sisters.  She had been all but full time for a few months, but hadn't gone the full way yet- she was still male for work.  

She was in Male mode when she killed herself.  I still maintain that Lisa wouldn't have done that- but Tom did.

Am I a better parent as Sophie?  Well, I hardly see my daughter.  She misses me- she tells me every time I see her.  And I tell her I love her.  Am I a better person?  Absolutely.  My anger is gone.  My need to hide and to challenge all who would get close are also gone.  I hardly drink anymore.  

I have learned to cry.

Lisa showed me how sad I could be and live.  I still cry for her.  My eyes are tearing up even as I type this.  

So.  Was Lisa right?  I would have to say Yes.  As a better person, I CAN be a better parent.  And I'm trying to be that.  The road is hard.  So very hard.  Harder still when I rarely see my Daughter.  I'm especially afraid when she says something that I KNOW came from her grandmother.  MIL.  

My life is a work in progress, and will continue to be one until that day, many years from now, God willing, that I see Lisa again.

I have more to say on the subject of Lisa, but I'll wait until the anniversary of her death to do it.  After all, that's coming very soon as well.  


The Final Picture I took of Lisa.  One Year Ago.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Random Thoughts at the Start of September

1.  I'm trying a different format for this entry.

2.  I blatantly stole it from my very talented friend Katie R.

3.  With her permission.

4.  Yes, really.

5.  Labor day has passed and with it two anniversaries.

6.  A year ago on August 28, I was thrown out of MIL's House and that same day I was elected into Vanity Club.

7.  I'd be lying if I said that the anniversary didn't affect me.

8.  A LOT

9.  Like Darkness wise.

10.  A few weeks ago, a local teen transman threw himself in front of a train.

11.  That started to look very attractive.

12.  Beats a shotgun.  I don't own one.

13.  In any case, I kept thinking about my daughter.

14.  I think my not living with her and her mother has done some damage, and I want to see her grow to be a woman.

15.  So I'm still here.  Really.  This isn't a ghost typing.

16.  Or is it?

17.  SCC is this week.  I can't afford to be there.

18.  I wish I could.

19.  Maybe it's for the best.  SCC was the last place I saw Lisa Empanada alive.

20.  Yes I'm thinking a lot about her these days.

21.  My birthday is coming up.  It will be my first as my true self.

22.  I've invited many of my cis-friends to join me at Laptop Lounge (which early this month.)

23.  Laptop is early because a Jen Bryant Raven party is on the third Saturday- the 20th.

24.  It's then because there was a conflicting event at the Raven on the 13th.

25.  That conflict is NOT my birthday, even if it's on my birthday.

26.  I'll be 48.

27.  Anyway, the idea is for both sides of my life to interact and meet and maybe have some fun.

28.  Oh, and to get people to LL because Angela wasn't sure about how a re-schedule would go over.

29.  I try to help my friends.

30.  I will also be at the Raven Party on the 20th.

31.  Sandy Empanada and Ally will be there.  As will Hayden.  And many more of my friends

32.  And maybe some friends I haven't met yet.

33.  It's a hot day here today.  And humid.

34.  Summer's almost gone, but not quite.

35.  I mean, Penn State has already played a game!

36.  In Ireland!  And they won!

37.  Go Penn State!

38.  If money is available, I intend to go up to PSU before Christmas, if only for a day.

39.  I'm still struggling to make rent every month.

40.  Linda and I need a roommate to share expenses.

41.  No luck finding one yet.

42:  The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

43.  I never read that book.

44.  Hey my geek cred comes from reading comics and working in the gaming industry.

45.  I worked for 13 years in the hobby games industry.

46.  I did freelance editing for TSR (Dungeons and Dragons), worked at a games distributor, and spent nine years at Games Workshop.

47.  But I still never read Douglas Adams

48.  I'll be 48 this year (didn't I mention that?)

49.  I read Tolkein though.

50.  I only read the first book of Game of Thrones.  I was forced to by a boss at the aforementioned GW.  And he spoiled the ending of the book for me.  So I never read another,

51.  That was 13 years ago.

52.  In any case, this has gone on long enough.

53.  Be Well!

54. Obligatory Picture




Monday, February 3, 2014

Vanity Club

So, I was selected to be a sister of the Vanity Club.  I was "pinned in" last September at SCC.

Yes, it's taken me THIS long to discuss this, as I wanted to get a feel for things before discussing it.

So... what is Vanity Club (VC)?

According to the website"We are a special and exclusive sorority whose members are all accomplished; exceptional Transwomen, each and every one being voted in by her fellow sisters. "

Ok, that's all well and good.  So what's it all about?

Well, to be considered for membership, a person has to be active in the TG Community, and do things for others.  So it's like a "service sorority" if you will.

So how did I get in?

Good question.

I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I've known about VC since before my re-awakening.  I found their website when I was researching TG Sites after reading Josh Kilmer Purcell's amazing book I am Not Myself These Days.  I found VC and was immediately fascinated.  A sorority for TG women?  As I am a fraternity member, the appeal was immediate.  But I never thought I'd ever could be a Sister.  I could never be that beautiful nor could I ever do so many things.

Vanity Club SCC Dinner Pic 2013.  See me?

Skip ahead over four years.  At the 2013 Keystone Conference, B'Ellana Duquesne approached me about VC.  I'd known her for a while, and by this time, I knew many VC sisters like Kristy Snow, Amanda Richards, Kimberly Huddle, and a few others.  Anyway, B'Ellana asked me if I was interested in becoming a Sister of Vanity Club.

Me?

She cited this blog, my TG Forum column, and my seminars at Keystone as reasons I would be considered.  And, apparently, I'd become a bit known in the local TG scene.

I thought about it... me?  A sister of VC?  I agreed very quickly.

I told my Sister Lisa Empanada about it and she laughed.  Called me a "snob."  She was definitely not a joiner, and she'd been asked several times to join VC.  It wasn't for her.  She teased me, but later said she was happy for me.

B'Ellana and I  just after "pinning me in" to VC


So.  Why did I join?  Well through VC I've now met many of the people who inspired me, most of them at SCC.  And they treated me as a peer.  Women like Ana Cristina Garcia, Linda Lewis, Laura Lenley, Stephanie Yates, and so many others.  For someone with self esteem issues like mine, that was so affirming.

With Steph Yates at SCC


Then there's the networking.  VC sisters come from all walks of life and are in many industries.  I've already learned some valuable things from them.  And contacts like these can never hurt.  After all, we share something very special- we are all TG in a way.  Some are still closeted, some are fully transitioned, and still others, like me, are somewhere in between.

With Ana Cristina Garcia at SCC


In the end, it's all about Helping others.  That's who I am, and that's what the Vanity Club is about as well.  I stand with a group of inspiring women, and perhaps, by being a member, I can do more good in this world.  That's my hope.  That's why I joined.  Not for the "prestige" or the picture sharing or even attending dinners at conventions... but for the better opportunities to Help.

Because THAT is Vanity Club.


With Linda Lewis at SCC 2013 Dinner








Friday, January 3, 2014

Sophie's P&L Statement, 2013

P&L.  That's business jargon for "Profit and Loss."  ("BS Bingo" anyone?)  I decided that I'm going to judge whether or not 2013 was a good or bad year in a purely analytical sense.  Coldly.  Dispassionately.  Without feeling.  Vger seeks the creator.

Sorry, got carried away.

Celebrating 2014 at the Raven. 
Makeup and Hair by Linda Lewis


2013 is over.  Finished.  In the books.  And I must say that in many ways, it was the worst year of my life.  But was it?  Let's find out.  I will rate each on points.  1 (meh) to 5 (Incredibly Major).  Then  I'll total the results.

Positives:

Completed ARD Program                           3
Attended Keystone Conference                   3
Attended Southern Comfort                        4
Met several of my inspirations                    3
Came out to several friends                         3
Cousin Anne accepted me                           3
Lisa Empanada's Affirmation Party            5
Elected to Vanity Club                                3
Parents accepted me                                    4

Negatives:

70 Hour Weeks at Poverty Wages              3
Inability to find a new job                          3
JoAnne Roberts' Death                               4
Wife decided she can't stay with me.         5
Thrown out of MIL's House                       5
Alone on Birthday                                      3
Lisa Empanada's Death                              5
Lisa's Funeral                                             4
The Darkness that followed                       5
"Whatsit"                                                    2

Ok, so those are the majors.   And the totals?


2013 taught me how low I could sink and survive.  And it also taught me that I AM on the right path.  For me.  It's amazing the losses I've suffered.  It's amazing the Joys I've experienced.  I've made some amazing friends this year... and lost my Sister. 

As the countdown to 2014 rolled to zero, I couldn't help but think that I didn't want the year to end.  I felt like I was leaving Lisa behind.  2014 would be a year without her- she Lived in 2013.  I expressed this to Sandy and she felt the same.  As did my cousin Anne, but about her mother.  Life continues without our loved ones.

With Sandy, New Years Eve


I'm still learning to live without Lisa.  Hell, I'm still learning how to Live.

So it's 2014, and the situation is as follows:  I am living at my friend M's at her charity.  I am all but full time as a woman.  I see my daughter once or twice a week, and I have to tell her soon.  Wife thinks I should wait until it's almost time.  Time.  March 25 is the target.  Why?  It's when I leave for the Keystone Conference.  So like my friend Stephanie, I'll return from a conference as my True Self.

There's so much yet to do.  My first few months of 2014 will be busy.  Name change, gender marker, some more hair removal, save save save.

I'd love to think that 2014 couldn't be any worse than 2013, but experience has taught me that it can ALWAYS be worse.  How many more losses will I experience before it's all behind me?  But if it can be worse, I must always acknowledge and remember that I can also be BETTER. 

I was having a lunch with Linda Lewis the other day (she is temporarily living in the same house as I am as she awaits her place in Florida to open) and we toasted to 2014.  We were both in drab.  She then said "if nothing else, at this time next year we won't look like this."  And she was right.  Next Christmas, I'll have been a woman for many months.  Legally. 

At the Raven with Linda Lewis

I have dear friends.  I have some family that accept me.  I have much more than so many transpeople right now, just for the fact that I have a roof over my head. 

So 2014 lies ahead of me.  It will be what I make of it.  I can choose to wallow in Darkness, or reach for Light.  I have chosen to Live.  I have chosen to live MY life, and to be the best parent I can to my Daughter.

I have chosen to be Sophie.

And may all of you have a wonderful 2014.  Choose to Live.