Thoughts on Coming Out Day

I posted the following on facialbook yesterday.  Figured I'd repost it here as well.  Y'know for reasons.

***************************************

If you didn't know, today is National Coming Out Day.  

Many of my friends have posted very touching and thoughtful reflections on what this day means to them.  Like Donna Rose, Mary Almy, Cheryl Katon, and so many others.  I won't even try to equal their amazing stories.  

Coming out is so personal.  It's a process with so many moving parts.  The secret no one tells you is that the process never ends.  Even if a person is "stealth", eventually they come out to everyone who matters over the years.

The hardest part is coming out to yourself- admitting a Truth you may have tried to hide from, or for which you've been searching.  Coming out to yourself never ends either.  You're always learning what your Truth means- to yourself, to those you care about, and what it means to be part of a community new to you.  What does it mean to be who you are?  What does it mean when you don't have to hide any more, especially from yourself?  How does it feel to be relieved of that secret?

Not everyone who wants to can come out, for whatever reasons.  Many don't want to sacrifice the lives they've built.  Some fear the consequences and repercussions that can occur.  These are legitimate fears.  Coming out means creating a new life for yourself.

Not everyone survives the process.

But today, we celebrate those who have come out before, that continue to live their Truth, and those who have yet to come out (or cant.)

Be well.

58 and 11

As I write this, it's mid September.  Long time readers know that I hate September more than Green Day does.  I was thrown out from my family very late August (that counts), I last saw Lisa Empanada in September, and she died Sept 17.  Then there was the funeral. All of these events were in 2013: eleven years ago.  But there's another reason I hate September that repeats every year so far- my birthday, which this year fell on a Friday.  Friday the 13th.  Insert joke here.  Oh, in case you're interested, I was born on a Tuesday, not Friday, despite my bad luck.  

Friday, September 13, 2024

I'm now 58, a fact I don't hide.  So many don't get this far (Lisa was 52.)  I don't deserve to be this age.  I planned to exit quietly when I turned 50, and a few times before that (like when I was 24.) I absolutely wanted to drink myself to death before I was thirty.  

What have I accomplished this past year?

Absolutely nothing.  

I am still at the exact same point in my PhD studies now as I was at this time last year (I wrote about that here.)  In fact, with the exception of a presentation I did on LGBTQ history at Penn State, I haven't written anything aside from the occasional blog entry and a sparse amount in writing notebooks.  I've sat in front of my computer, staring at the IRB screen for hours, blankly.  I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, or hugging a pillow for dear life.  I no longer have hobbies.  My therapist no longer takes my insurance.  I spent Christmas night in the Emergency room in agony.  No more gall bladder.  Over $10,000 in medical debt.  A Group of coworkers turned me down for a job for which I was very qualified (and, when I re-applied after the job was re-posted, HR said I "wasn't qualified.")  Oh, and 45 has a very real chance of winning the election and implementing his fascistic "Project 2025" which will mean suffering and death for many, including people like me. (Yes, I've read the whole 900+ pages- and I urge you to do so as well.)

Ok, but as several people I know would say- let's look at the positive.  I received a fellowship which covered fall tuition.  That helped.  As a last resort, I started a GoFundMe for my debt which raised almost $5,000.  That didn't cover everything but combined with settling up payment plans, it made the medical debt almost manageable.  Using the fellowship, I was able to purchase student insurance that covers so much more than what I had previously- including dental, which means I can get long needed dental work.  I've lost over thirty pounds which put me back into pre-diabetic stage (and means I can fit in a few things again.)  I saw Wife and daughter this weekend, and we had a nice lunch.  

So it is, the positive and negative.  

I often wonder what Lisa would be like today, had she lived until now.  Would she be happy?  Would she be at peace?  What would she think of the world today, and the situation people like us face?  What  would she think of me now, and who I have become?  

Lisa and Ally (who posted this pic), undated.

Obviously, no one will ever know the answers.  Tuesday will mark eleven years since Lisa was found.  For nearly all that time, Lisa's earthly self has resided in various urns and small amounts of ash scattered at various locations.  Those who knew her can only guess, wonder, and endure.  

Eleven years.  Yes, time has assuaged some of pain.  Time does that- it's one of the few favors it allows.  There is still, and will always be, an empty part of my soul, and what is left of my heart.  That part was ripped away when she decided to die.  She died alone, as she planned, with none to stop her.  

This week, I remember Lisa, and also cope with age- something she never had to do.  

Be well.

Branches and Paths

The other day marked five years since returning to State College for my PhD.  I wrote about it HERE and HERE, if you care.  For five years, I've worked on my degree- filling my head with academic articles, books, experiences, losses.  For the past two though, I've been kinda stalled.  I'll come back to this.

I've written here and elsewhere that Penn State is my happy place, and, if I could not live with Wife and Daughter, I may as well be in my happy place.  I dragged Linda (roomie/bestie) with me, and I don't know if she's happy about that.  (I think not, really.) In any case, for the past five years, my life has revolved around academia.  Eventually, I found a series of jobs, both at Wegmans and, for the past three years, here at the LGBT Center (I mention that a bit HERE.)

Since returning, I've taken a LOT of pictures (2,444 as of this second).  It's easy when one has access to a camera on the phone at all times.  I didn't have many photos from my undergrad days, and the ones I had were done with borrowed cameras.  Most of those were for the fraternity scrapbook, which, like the negatives, are lost.  I guess I'm making up for that a bit.  

One of the subjects I photograph often are the pathways here.  They honeycomb the campus like a spiderweb on LSD.  I can't stop thinking about the metaphor they represent.  The paths branch, going to different destinations, or just different paths to the same destination.  When I was in undergrad, I occasionally would take a longer route than necessary to reach my destination (when I wasn't running late.)  I didn't think twice about it, but in truth, each of these choices, conscious or unconscious, changed my life.  Had I taken a different way, say back to the fraternity house, who knows who I would've met?  What could've happened.  Perhaps I would've been hit by a car, or met the love of my life.    

And that's the metaphor of the Paths.  They represent the different paths a life could take- especially when one is younger, say, college age.  Who would I have become had I stayed at Drexel?  What if I got that job at National Records and never had to apply to Burger King, where I would meet the people who defined my Penn State experience for good and ill.  What if I decided "fuck those guys" when I received the cold reception at the fraternity and found a different group of people to hang with?  Who would I be today?

Would I even be alive?

It's a cliche to say that our choices, even the smallest ones, can change and define our lives.  Now in my late  fifties, so much of my life is set in stone.  I can't change my past.  I can't change who I am, or what I've done.  I have a daughter, and that's forever.  while some of the people I've met pass like shadows, others left deep marks and scars on my soul.  (What I hadn't gone to the Raven that night in January 2012, and met Lisa?)  

Nothing is permanent in life.  While I will always have a daughter, the nature of my relationship with her can/will change.  Life itself is temporary- a heartbeat in time.  Moments pass.

Which brings me back to that whole stalled thing.  I've been stuck in the same place in my path for two years.  Some of it has been deep depression.  Some of it has been fear- the fear of Failure, and yes, of the remote possibility of success.  But recently I think I figured out what my major malfunction is: I don't want it to end.  I don't want to leave PSU again.  Leaving in December '88 (and graduating in May '89), threw me into a very dark place.  I would've given ANYTHING to come back and be a student again- to return to that time.  

I was obsessed with it.  Hell, I even wrote a book about that time, trying to figure out what about that time could've caused such a depression when, really, most of the time I really didn't have a pleasant experience.  My brothers were cold to me, my girlfriend cheated, my grades were meh... Why did I want to go back?

But I am back.  I am such a different person now, and much older, which makes me outside the 'target audience.' But there's another big anchor... 

Here I'm employed.  I have a job.  I spent so long after the bookstore fired me on the unemployment line, sending hundreds of resumes and hearing nothing.  Rejection after rejection.  Here I have a job.  Yes, it's part time, but on some days I feel like I actually make a difference- my path intersects another person's.  That I'm actually worth something, if only for a moment.  

My path returned me here.  I fought to get my place, and I've managed to continue while others from my cohort... didn't.  I'm striving to reach the peak of the academic ladder.  I never in my wildest dreams expected my path to lead here.  Then again, I never expected my path to take me to transition.  I thought/hoped/prayed that my path would end before my thirtieth birthday.  And again on my fiftieth.

September 1986.  Pic by Chuck Fong

My road brought me here.  And, as before, I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of success.  I'm afraid of unemployment again.  So much for "rush[ing] in where angels fear to tread" (Alexander Pope, 1709.)  So I stare at the ceiling.  I walk around campus, following old paths I trod long ago.  Again.

Tolkien wrote in Fellowship of the Rings: “It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”  

So true.

Be well.

To Run or...?

As my readers know, I follow politics closely.  I have to, as it seems that so few are paying attention.  For example, as I've posted here, on TG Forum, and on facialbook:

The GOP made clear its plans "Eradication" (see Project 2025, also CPAC march 2023), Trump said "On day one, I will sign a new executive order to cut federal funding for any school pushing critical race theory, transgender insanity, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content onto the lives of our children" (TPUSA speech, June 15, 2024)  

Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 625 bills (47 passed) and we’re only 1/2 through the year. (https://translegislation.com/)...

A careful reading of Project 2025 states intent: 

Project 2025 wants to label our very existence as ‘pornographic’ and threatening to children, which to them is punishable by execution.

“Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection. Its purveyors are child predators and misogynistic exploiters of women. Their product is as addictive as any illicit drug and as psychologically destructive as any crime.  Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders [emphasis mine]. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” (Project 2025, p.5)

 “[The next conservative Administration] should also pursue the death penalty for applicable crimes—particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children [emphasis mine]—until Congress says otherwise through legislation. [footnote referenced]”. (p. 554).

Oh, what does the footnote say? “This could require seeking the Supreme Court to overrule Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008), in applicable cases, but the department should place a priority on doing so.” (p. 576)

554 U.S. 407 reads “Sentencing a defendant to death for any crime other than homicide or crimes against the state is unconstitutional per se under the Eighth Amendment.” (“Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008)”)

So... Eradication.  45 is currently leading in polls thanks to an "assassination attempt."  (Sorry- I'm not buying it- I believe it was staged.)  If he wins, the US becomes a dictatorship.  The GQP has already declared its plans (see above.)  

Would I be "safe" in a college town?  Would my door be kicked in at 2 am some night?  Or will Linda or me be pulled over and arrested for being ourselves?  I really don't know.  After all Penn State is a tiny Blue dot in an ocean of Red.  Once one leaves State College, Cult flags, signs, bumper stickers, hats, and tattoos are very common.  

So... should I leave?

With my cousins in Glasgow, Scotland, 2018.

I've explored fleeing to the UK.  I'm eligible for dual citizenship, as my mum and her side of the family are/were British subjects.  There are many hoops to jump through, but it's do-able.  Or I could ask for Political Asylum.  Is the UK ideal?  No- it has its problems, especially with TERFs.  But the UK hasn't said people like me are sex offenders to be "eradicated."

And, should I leave, how long would it be before I see Wife and Daughter again?  I've already missed so much of Daughter's life- fleeing means I'd miss years more.  Wife and Daughter are my life.  

Then there's the issue of Linda.  If she's to come with me (as I hope she would) she will need her passport, which takes time.  That's IF she wants to come along.  As she's not full time, she might be safe.  Might.  

My studies?  I could do that anywhere- including overseas if necessary.  For example, I could/would mov back to SEPa (to be closer to Wife and Daughter) if I thought I had a prayer of finding a job back there.  But, as experience has shown me, I don't- so I haven't.  Besides, Linda and I both HATE moving.  (Going overseas would entail leaving almost everything behind.)

Then there's another issue.  I read a LOT of books about the Maquis and the French Resistance in WW2.  Some of them fled France, only to return later as Allied operatives, trained by British and US intelligence (Jedburghs is one of the names of this program.)  Let's face it- I'm too old and broken for military training, and being obviously transgender means I don't blend in.  So, if I leave, it's for the duration.

I know people who fled from middle eastern countries due to dictatorships- people who fought for the freedom of these countries.  Their choice was to come to the US, survive, and continue their work here in some manner.  

But I Love my country.  Like so many others, I would die for it. Is it better to stay and fight the fascists at my age, probably disappear into a camp or jail somewhere, or to flee, live, an agitate from abroad?   Where could I do the most to help transgender people who are like myself and people dear to me? 

I have several friends who have already made plans to relocate to Mexico, Canada, or even Australia.  Such a move (like to the UK) would cost money I don't have.  Heck, I'm far behind in my bills and we literally have one day of food left in the apartment with no money to get more.  How would I afford to emigrate- even, say, to Canada, which is only a four-hour drive away (to the Peace Bridge, anyway)?  

Another question is this: should the US become a fascist Christian Nationalist theocratic oligarchy (which is what Project 2025 documents,) how long would it be before the Constitution is restored?  45 can't live forever, that's true, but he has sons to whom he could pass power, or to hand-picked (and/or Putin appointed) sycophantic successors.  The last time the world faced such a dictatorship, it cost 6 years and a conservative estimate of 85 MILLION lives to dislodge- most of those deaths due to genocide- and that was BEFORE nuclear weapons threatened global annihilation.  And if 45 wins, the button triggering those weapons would be in the hands of a madman.  

So, dear reader, I ask: what would YOU do in my shoes?  Stay? Go? 

Be well.

Crossdresser Questionnaire

I saw this on Facialbook, and it looked fun.  As long-time readers of this blog know, I consider crossdressers to be part of the transgender tapestry.  "There but for the grace of God" and all that.  Most crossdressers I know (and I know many) would transition if they could, but circumstances prevent that.  I know a few who dress purely for the enjoyment of "art."  But not many.  

I'll put a "clean" copy in the comments for those that wish to fill it out for their social media. 

A lot of these questions were covered by previous blog entries, which I will link where appropriate.

As none of these questions reveal anything about passwords or such, here we go...

************************************************************************

100 Crossdressing Questions Answered

1. How old were you when you realized you were different? 

Four.  I remember it distinctly. 

2. How old were you when you first tried wearing women’s clothes, make up etc? 

Mum dressed me as a girl for Halloween when I was seven.  Aside from that, I was twelve when I started dressing on my own.  

 

3. Have you ever told anyone you were a Crossdresser?

Before coming out to my wife, no.  Now everyone knows my "dark secret."

4. At what age did you come up with your femme name? 

It was December 2008, so I was 42.  Details HERE.

5. Did you use any other femme names before you chose your current name if so what was it?

For maybe a month before Sophie, I was Lisa.  Lisa is now my middle name to honor Lisa Empanada. 

6. How did you come up with your Femme name?

Karen at Femme Fever gave it to me.  Details HERE (same link as above)

Femme Fever Dec. 2008

7. Have you ever been caught dressed?

Once, by my older brother. Story HERE.  I had several close calls, but only caught the one time- and that was because I was wearing makeup. 

8. How did the people you told take it?

Wife took the crossdressing part as well as could be asked.  I lost 90% of my friends.  Many said they'd support me than disappeared.  My family disowned me for a while.  Mother in law threw me out.   

9. Are you married? 

Yes. 

10. Does your spouse know? and if so are they accepting? 

Yes.  See #8 above.

11. What was the first article of women’s clothes you ever bought?

Pantyhose.  Leggs. In the plastic egg.

12. What was the last article of women’s clothes you bought? 

A swimsuit.  One piece.

13. Long or short skirts? 

I used to love short skirts, but now I prefer mid or knee length.

14. Do you venture out dressed? If yes how often do you go out dressed? 

Well, yes.  I've been full time for over ten years.  

15. If you could go back and change one thing about your Crossdressing what would it be? 

Wow.  Maybe not beat myself up for it all those years.  Or not to have the urge to do it (which turned out to be gender dysphoria.)

16. Do you feel being a Crossdresser makes you a better person? If yes how so? 

It caused me a lot of pain and pleasure.  The pain of lying to my wife, and the eventual destruction of my life as I knew it.  In the end, I am a better person, as before transition, I was an angry asshole.  The anger is mostly gone now.  I may not be happy, but I am at peace.

17. How long were you dating / married before you told your significant other or spouse?

We had been married 19 years at that point.  

18. What is your favorite article of clothing? 

I have a favorite bra, but my fave has to be my teal dress.  I like it so much that I bought a second one which waits, still in its plastic, if the other one is ever ruined or torn or whatever.

This dress (#18 above)

19. If you have bought your own clothes, have you ever had any issues with store clerks?

No, I never have.  Funny, right?

20. What is your greatest Crossdressing accomplishment?

I think it's an accomplishment that I went out in public at all.  I'd have to say it was the friendships I developed over time.  If not for people like my "big sister" Mel, Lisa Empanada, Linda Lewis, Ally Raymond, Amanda Richards, Victoria Datta, Kimberly Huddle, Jenny J, and Jen L, and so many others, I would be long dead.  

21. What is your favorite brand of make up?

MAC.  It usually works for me.  

22. Do you wear perfume? If yes what is your favorite fragrance?

I do when I get really dressed up.  I usually wear Clinique "Happy".  Do they even make that nay more?  I'm almost out.

23. How many lipsticks do you own? 

Umm... I never counted.  Somewhere around 10 I think.  Mostly MAC, but some others. 

24. What is your favorite color of lipstick called?

MAC "Syrup" is what I wear the most.

25. Did you buy breast forms or do you make your own?

I bought them, and eventually sold them on eBay.  My breasts are all natural now.  

26. Do you ever have dreams related to Crossdressing? if yes what was it? 

Funny enough, no.  All my life I would be female in some dreams, male in others, or switch back an forth.  Still that way.

27. When not dressed how often do you think about it, for example while at work? 

I used to- really often.  When I was dressing once a month, I would plan my outfits all month.

28. Favorite hair removal method? 

I did laser, and some electrolysis.  The laser lasted around 10 years, but my beard is now coming back.  It's frustrating.

29. If you could spend a day with anyone else dressed who would it be? 

As I'm full time, this no longer applies really.  I love hanging out with my friends as it's been so long.

30. Do you have space in the closet for your clothes or do you have to hide them? 

At first I hid them in boxes in the basement, labeled "Games." We'd moved from Baltimore and most of our stuff were in boxes in the basement.  I eventually got a storage space, which came in handy when I was thrown out.  Now, they are the only clothes I have.

31. Have you ever purged your clothes? 

August 1983.  I was going to be a MAN, and men don't wear dresses.  I fell into a deep depression and couldn't understand why.

32. Given the opportunity would you take a job where you could work as either your male or female self at any time? 

Again, not applicable.  I'm full time.  

33. Do you paint your natural finger nails or use fake ones? 

I have some fake nails for special occasions, but usually natural. 

34. What Color do you like to use on your finger nails? 

Brilliant red, but lately I've done others.

35. Do you keep your toe nails painted? 

No, except when I treat myself to a pedicure.  

36. What color nail polish do you like best on your toes? 

Usually brilliant red.  I'm dull.

37. If you wear make up what part do you find the hardest to learn how to do? 

Eyes- specifically fake lashes.  I've never been able to do those.

38. Have you ever had a professional make over? 

Yes. Mostly from the legendary Amanda Richards, but not all.  I love makeovers.  

39. Have you ever worn a Bikini or other swimsuit? 

Yes 

40. Do you own or have you ever worn a Wedding Dress?

Yes, at an Amanda Richards photoshoot.  

41. Do you own a wig or use your own hair? 

My own hair, but I may have to go back to wigs due to hair loss. I still have wigs.

42. How often are you able to dress up during the week? 

24/7/365.  I paid the price.

43. How many Blouses do you own? 

No idea.

44. How many Skirts do you own? 

No idea.

45. How many Dresses do you own? 

No idea.

46. How many bra’s do you own? 

Over 20.  I should go through them... 

47. How many pair’s of panties do you own? 

Around 20.  Maybe 5 shapewear. 

48. What is your favorite color for lingerie? 

Red or black.  My daily ones are usually black or buff.

49. Pantythose or Thigh Highs? 

I don't have occasion to wear them, but I prefer pantyhose. 

50. Favorite place to shop for misc items? 

I prefer to shop local.

51. Favorite place to shop for Make up? 

Ulta is the only place in town.

52. Favorite place to shop for clothes? 

Torrid, Long Tall Sally

53. Favorite place to shop for Lingerie? 

I usually get that from online as there's few place around here.

54. Best time you can think of spent dressed up? 

Two come immediately to mind.  Lisa's affirmation party, and the Debutante Ball that friends threw for me on my one-year transition anniversary.

Debutante ball

55. If you could have the ultimate day out where would you go? 

A day on vacation with my wife, daughter, and Linda.  Somewhere fun.  

56. Funniest thing that’s ever happened to you while Crossdressing? 

I've had many fun times with my dear friends.  I can't think of one right now.  If I do, I'll add to this.  

57. Do you have pierced ears or wear clip ons?

Pierced.  It was one of the first things I did.  2009?  2010?

58. Do you wear heels? 

When I have an occasion, yes. 

59. How long did it take you to learn how to walk in heels? 

I used to practice this.  Many hours.

 

60. How many pairs of heels do you own? 

Maybe 10. My day to day are flats.

61. Name an article of Women’s clothing you can’t live without? 

Bras. I mean, duh.

62. What is one article of Women’s clothes you don’t like? 

Tops that bare the midriff.

63. Do you sleep in a nightie?

Occasionally.  

64. What type of panties do you like? 

I love the silky ones, but most of mine are cotton.

65. What is your Favorite color for a dress? 

I'm told that I look good in jewel tones.  I also have a lot of black.

66. When you’re wearing pantyhose, what do you do with your junk? Let it be free or tuck it up and tape? 

I used to have to tuck but not anymore. 

67. What stops you from ‘dressing’ in public? Fear of yourself or of others? 

I was afraid of the consequences... almost all of which happened. 

68. When did you first know your taste in fashion was different from other boys? 

Around 4

69. When did you tell your wife? What was her reaction?

As above, May 3, 2012.  Story HERE. 

70. What would you tell your 5 year old self if you could? 

You aren't alone.  You aren't a freak.  

71. Do you shave your chest and armpits as well as your legs? 

Armpits.  Thanks to HRT, I don't really need to shave my chest.  Thank God, as furry boobs would suck.

72. Have you ever told anyone and they reacted badly? 

Almost everyone when I came out.  Aside from that, not really

73. What was your most surprising reaction when telling someone? 

I call him "R" in my blog.  Details HERE.

74. For most women, taking the bra off at the end of the day and having a good under-boob scratch is the equivalent to a man scratching his nut-sack. Is it the same when you take off your bra? 

Absolutely.  It feels great.  

75. How did you feel the first time you ‘dressed’? 

It felt “right”. It felt correct.  Like I was being me for the first time.

76. How did you feel the last time you ‘dressed’? 

N/A as I'm full time.

Last time I wore makeup- a couple of weeks ago

77. Do you and your wife share clothes? 

Hell no.  She's a petite woman and I'm a fat mess.

78. What do you wish everyone understood about why you dress that no one seems to really get? 

That being transgender is biological- e don't choose this.  And we aren't "groomers" or anything evil.  We just want to live our lives.

79. Do you prefer skirts and dresses or pants? 

Skirts and dresses. I wore pants for 47 years- that's enough.

 

80. How do you hide your 5 o’clock shadow? 

I use Mehron beard cover.  then foundation over that.   

81. If you could go somewhere on the planet where not one soul knew who you were and publicly dress, would you? 

Back in the day, I realized quickly that when I was fully enfemme, I was unrecognizable.  I may be clocked as a cd, but not as [dead name].  I avoided the places I frequented as a guy, though.  The funny part was that the party I'd go to was, for years, in a restaurant right next door to the bookstore where I worked.

82. Do you think you’ll ever tell your children? 

I did- right before I transitioned.  Story HERE.

83. What will you tell your children (if you don’t intend to tell them) and they find out accidentally?  

I never considered that, as she was 6 when I transitioned, and I never dressed as Sophie when she was home, so...

84. Why aren’t women who wear menswear considered cross-dressers? 

Because masculinity is fragile and must be proven almost every day, while femininity is never questioned.  A woman in guy clothes is still a woman- a lesbian is still a woman.  If a guy dresses as a female or is gay, other men consider him effeminate and therefore week and not a man.  There were many studies done on this, like:

Stanaland, A., Gaither, S., & Gassman-Pines, A. (2023). When is masculinity “fragile”? An expectancy-discrepancy-threat model of masculine identity. Personality and social psychology review, 27(4), 359-377. 

85. Where the hell do you find shoes to fit? 

On-line.  Such as HERE, HERE, and HERE among others.

86. What is the longest you have ever dressed for? 

123 months.  Or 536 weeks.  Or 3753 days.  You get the idea. 

87. Do your bra and panties have to match? 

Sometimes.  I don't really try to match them as nobody will see them.

88. Do you find there is a big difference between your male and female self? If so how? 

I was much angrier and in "pain" s a guy.  I felt like a failure as a man- unable to provide for my family, etc.  Now I'm at peace.  Not happy- just at peace.  And that will have to be enough.

89. Does it matter to you if you “Pass” or not? 

It would be great to pass, and I try to as much as possible, but it’s not really realistic.  I like to show cleavage as it's a feminine signal, but...

90. Do you “Pass”?

Hell no.

91. How long does it take you to get all dressed up? With makeup? 

Depends upon how much makeup.  Anywhere from 30- 90 minutes.  Back in the day it took at least 90 minutes. 

92. If you had a chance to remove your desire to Crossdress would you take it? 

Too late now, but yes- absolutely.

93. Do you have any female role models and if so who are they? 

As a crossdresser, they were Linda Lewis, Ana Christina Garcia, Heidi Phox, Kimberly Huddle... so many.  Now?  Sophie Scholl, Jennifer Finney Boylan, Donna Rose, others as well.  And every transgender woman who lives her Truth.  

With Ana Christina Garcia at Keystone Conference 2022

 

94. Do you listen to anything while getting ready? 

Sometimes.  Usually 80s stuff or Grateful Dead

95. What do you hope to accomplish by Crossdressing? 

This is really a stupid question.  If anything, I hoped to find peace and perhaps the companionship of people like myself.  I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone with this.

96. What do you expect crossdressing to teach you about being a woman and the experiences associated with it? 

I don’t pretend to know what a cisgender woman experiences. But I now understand what it means to be without male privilege, and what it means to have rights stripped away.

97. Do your personal or political views change as a result of the experiences of crossdressing? 

No.  I've always been a raging liberal.  However, it's made me more outspoken about rights, like I was in my teens/twenties.

98. Has your views on relationships changed with crossdressing in your life? 

No.  I just miss what I had with wife and daughter.   

99. What was your best Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from what was noted above, I'd say that first look into the mirror at Femme Fever at Sophie.  I didn't recognize myself.

Sophie's first picture

100. What was your worst Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from being thrown out, which wasn't really a "crossdressing" experience...  Easily Lisa's funeral.  I don't know how I survived that month.

Letter to PA Rep Chrissy Houlahan, (D) PA 6th District

Today I received an email from Rep. Chrissy Houlahan, (D: PA6) who represents my former home of Phoenixville (where Wife and Daughter still live.)  It was all about Pride and Juneteenth and how happy she was to celebrate both. 

Me with then newly elected Congresswoman Houlahan, Nov 2018.

In reply, I sent the following letter:

****************************************************************************

Dear Congresswoman Houlahan,  

In an email sent 6/21/2024, you wrote:

This month, we've been able to celebrate that diversity in so many ways, and I want to highlight it here for you all! 

And yet, transgender people (especially transgender women) are still being targeted by bigoted laws and violence.  Remember the T part of that acronym?  Well, we need help- desperately.

 

The GOP made clear its plans "Eradication" (see Project 2025, also CPAC march 2023),  Trump said "On day one, I will sign a new executive order to cut federal funding for any school pushing critical race theory, transgender insanity, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content onto the lives of our children" (TPUSA speech, June 15, 2024)  

Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 602 bills (42 passed) and we’re only 1/2 through the year. (https://translegislation.com/)

 

The night you were first elected, I met you at the victory party, as I worked on Rep. Shusterman's campaign.  I said "Transgender people need help.  Can you help us?"  And you said you would.  You may not remember this, but I do.  So I ask: what have YOU done?  Specifically.  (I already know the answer.)  In fact, the one picture I've attached shows me saying that to you (by coincidence.)  

 

I know I am just one person from a small minority of voters, but we NEED help.  NOW.  A careful reading of Project 2025 states intent: 

 Project 2025 wants to label our very existence as ‘pornographic’ and threatening to children, which to them is punishable by execution.

 “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection. Its purveyors are child predators and misogynistic exploiters of women. Their product is as addictive as any illicit drug and as psychologically destructive as any crime.  Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders [emphasis mine]. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” (Project 2025, p.5)

 “[The next conservative Administration] should also pursue the death penalty for applicable crimes—particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children [emphasis mine]—until Congress says otherwise through legislation. [footnote referenced]”. (p. 554).

Oh, what does the footnote say? “This could require seeking the Supreme Court to overrule Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008), in applicable cases, but the department should place a priority on doing so.” (p. 576)

554 U.S. 407 reads “Sentencing a defendant to death for any crime other than homicide or crimes against the state is unconstitutional per se under the Eighth Amendment.” (“Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008)”)

 

Congresswoman Houlahan, I'm studying anti-transgender hate for my PhD dissertation at Penn State.  I follow what the GOP and associated hate groups (Heritage Foundation, Focus on the Family, etc) have done and are doing.  I'm terrified.  

 

I ask again:  PLEASE HELP US!

 

Yours, 

 (sign off)

********************************************************************

I don't expect an answer, or, if one comes, it'll be a form letter or a letter asking for donations.  If anything else comes, I'll let you know, dear reader.

As Maddow says: "Watch this space."

(Note: the Representative for State College is GT Thompson who is MAGA to the core, and attended his gay son’s wedding THREE DAYS after opposing protections for same-sex marriage.  Writing to him would be a waste of time.)

Be well.

Helping a Dad

I mention occasionally that I work for the campus LGBTQ Center here at Penn State.  PSU is still between Maymester and the start of Summer semester, so there are few students here, but the Center is still open.  One event that happens is New Student Orientation (NSO) which happens all summer.  During this time, groups of new students attend a two-day orientation here, along with their parents.  The students stay together in a couple of dorms, while the parents stay wherever.  

One of the activities for NSO is the Organizational Fair, where the students and parents see tables staffed by various organizations (orgs) and can get information and swag.  Of course, the Center is there, and we have the most colorful table and swag.  Go figure- lots of rainbows.  Like my fellow staff, I take my turns working at the table.  I see a mix of just parents, kids and parents, and just kids.  Sometimes I get the evil eye from grown-ups who steer their kids far around our table (so they don't "catch the gay" I guess), or adults alone who glare.  That's part of the fun.  I give them my sweetest smile.  

Last August's issue of Town and Gown

Sometimes I see a student walk by with parents, looking at the table but not stopping.  By now, I can tell which ones will be back without their parents- the ones who are closeted.  Occasionally a parent stops alone, anxiously asking questions about the Center and about the environment of PSU for LGBTQ students.  Fortunately, PSU has come a long way from my undergrad days in the 80s in many things, and one of them is with LGBTQ.  Penn State is ranked #2 in the country by Campus Pride for LGBTQ acceptance and policies.  It's still not perfect, but it's far better than many places. 

Ok, that's a long introduction to an encounter I had yesterday.  I was not working the table, but I was working.  A parent came into the Center- maybe about my age- said he works for the University, and that his stepdaughter will be attending PSU this fall, and she is transgender.  Dad wanted to know about transgender healthcare, acceptance, policies... the whole schmear.  

I showed him the pamphlets about those very topics, and while there answered all of his questions.  Where can she get hormones?  Are there therapists with Gender diverse experience?  What about doctors?  Is there a place she can get hair removal done?  And of course: will she be "safe" here?

The answers are all in the pamphlets, but I answered them one by one.  Yes, the University has a transgender health team which includes therapists.  Yes, she can get hormones here (after a screening), and they are covered by student insurance.  Hair removal services are available in town.  As far as safety- this generation is far more accepting than ours (he and mine) ever were- being transgender just isn't that big of a deal to most kids... to a point.  She'll be as safe as any woman is here at PSU assuming she is smart: never go to parties alone.  Always keep your drink with you.  Never go upstairs at a fraternity house unless you really KNOW the people you're going with.  All the precautions that co-eds must take because some guys can be predatory.  Is there anti- trans prejudice here?  Yes.  But it's far far better than many places.  And the Center can help when it happens.  We also have a mentorship program here at the Center of which I am a part, to help guide them through the obstacles that transition and school throw at people.

So, I told him all of this.  Me- a transgender woman wearing a tank top and peasant skirt, a parent of a daughter, and a Penn State alumna, answered all of his questions again and again.  I walked him through the pamphlets.  

Last week

When I finished, you'd think I gave him front row seats to see his favorite band.  He was happy- no, Joyful- and so many of his fears were assuaged.  She will be coming to NSO later this summer, and she will stop by the Center.  I think the answers he sought were more for him than her.  Him- a concerned supportive parent.  A loving parent who wants the best for his child.  

The whole encounter lasted maybe twenty minutes, and when it ended, he went on his way, beaming.  I went back to the desk and told my (undergrad) coworkers about the encounter.  But I didn't tell them everything.

I didn't tell them how the encounter made me feel.  I really feel that I made a difference yesterday in the people's lives.  I felt like I DID something.  Usually I feel utterly worthless, and that I'm just a waste of oxygen... but not yesterday.  I did something.  I felt... good.  Worthwhile.  That's a rare feeling for me.

Last night, I spoke to Wife on the phone and told her that story.  After, I told my roomie/bestie Linda.  She asked why I didn't tell her the story earlier in the evening (it was around 10).  I replied that it wasn't that big of a deal, and I didn't think she'd be interested.  She disagreed.  Linda said that these are the stories she WANTS to hear.  These are the stories I should post on facialbook or here in the blog.  Stories of something good.

So, there you have it, dear readers.  A happy story for a change.  Thank Linda.

Be well.

A Lot of Gall

So, I was going to keep it quiet that yesterday morning, June 5, 2024, I had my gall bladder removed due to gall stones.  (I no longer have a lot of gall.)  That's what caused me all the pain that sent me to the ER on Christmas day and again a few weeks after.  Outpatient procedure- was home by 10 am.  Ate a little something and took a nap...

Gall Bladder.  Looks like a Lovecraftian slug

Photo source

Then woke up in incredible pain- even more than the gallstones.  It hurt so bad, I could barely move my diaphragm, so I could barely breathe.  I was pouring sweat, yet no temperature.   Linda had gone to get my pain killer prescription, so I was alone.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  So I called the hospital for instructions.  They told me to call 911, which I did.   

First, Linda returned.  Then two police officers showed up.  They told me the ambulance was coming soon.  Seemed like an eternity.  After a bit, the ambulance arrived.  They couldn't find a vein for an IV (they tried and missed), so they gave me an intermuscular shot of fentanyl using a huge needle.  The ambulance ride was really bumpy, and really hurt.  It was like they had lead pipes for shock absorbers.

I couldn't breathe- it hurt so bad.  The paramedics said I was pale grey, like death.  (Technical term is cyanotic, in case you're wondering.)

When they got me into the emergency room, the fentanyl started kicking in, making me dopey.  The nurses drew blood (that was an experience as well) and I waited.  I talked to the male nurse.  He was a combat medic (Navy) attached to the 78th Company, 6th Marines (He had a tattoo saying 78th), which was a famous unit in World War 1.  He did three tours in Afghanistan and one at Gitmo before mustering out. Linda arrived a while later with a book and my phone charger... but I'd forgotten my glasses, so it didn't matter.

Blood test came back negative for sepsis. Probable explanation:  During surgery, they inflated my abdomen with carbon dioxide to give more room to work (laparoscopic pneumoperitoneum).  At the end, they let out the air... but not all of it escaped.  They told me to expect gas to escape from forward and rear orifices... but it didn't.  So... the pain.  The gas was compressing my diaphragm, which was why I couldn't breathe.

Yep, that's how I felt.

They injected me with oxytocin and gave me the option of leaving or staying overnight.  I chose home.  I can't afford an overnight stay.  I was still doped up, but going back to the apartment.

Bill: $300 co-pay.  No idea for much the ambulance cost.  Sigh.  

Today, it still hurts, but nowhere near as badly.  I'm rationing the pain pills, as I don't have many.  Also drinking a LOT of water and taking Dulcolax as the pills tend to cause constipation, and I'm in no condition to fight that.

Why am I posting all this?  Well, if you're having intense abdominal pain, and doctors can't figure it out, it may be gallstones.  Also, I felt like posting it.  So there.

My stylish gown, post-surgery

Be well.

Gen X vs Gen Z 80s Music Lists

In addition to my PhD studies here at PSU, I also work at the LGBT Center part time.  There I do various things, including (for a while) delivering and re-doing transgender training programs (they have hired someone to do that job who isn't me.  Apparently I'm not a 'good ambassador.)  In any case, PSU celebrates Pride Month in April, as no one is here in June (comparatively.) Of the three signature events of the month, one is the "Prom you didn't have" where students can be themselves.

This year, the theme was "Decades of Decadence", and we had displays about LGBT history pre-1920, 1920, and each decade until now.  I was assigned 1920s, 30s, and 40s, where I drew a lot of what was happening from Weimar Germany (which I wrote about HERE) and Pansy Parties of the 20s and 30s.  The music for this prom would be drawn from decades between 1920-current.  I was asked to find music from my time periods.  What?? The Queen of 80s music doesn't get to select 80s music!  A woman who LIVED the 80s is denied?  

The History Panels, each seven feet high

I got over it.

Fortunately, I know enough about 20s-40s music to be dangerous, and I sent selections for each decade.  But I wondered... what 80s music would the person selecting the 80s music choose?  What music would someone born decades after the Decade of Greed and MTV select as the most appropriate dance-ish music of the decade?  

So I made my list.  As I didn't attend the event (that would've been creepy and thrown off the 'vibe'), I asked the Gen Z student (GZ) for their list so I could compare.  I told them about my little thought exercise.  They sent me the following (to which I've added links.)

"80s-

- “Take on Me” a-ha (upbeat dance)

- “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” Tears for Fears (upbeat dance)

- “Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners (upbeat dance)

- “Careless Whisper” George Michael (cooldown)

- “Time After Time” Cyndi Lauper (slow dance)

- “The Way You Make Me Feel” Michael Jackson (upbeat dance)

- “Never Tear us Apart” INXS (cooldown)"

Art by Nagel.  He defined the early 80s.

I then sent her my list, with comments.  I added links.

"Interesting (And great choices!)  I went for all upbeat.  And didn't look at yours, as that's the point of this exercise.  

Billie Jean - Michael Jackson (over Beat It as it's just iconic.  That bass line!  Michael is one of 4 "must have" mainstream artists)

Vogue - Madonna (Madonna is a must have, and this one set off a craze.)

Tainted Love - Soft Cell (yes, a cover, but iconic.)

1999 - Prince (This barely beats out Let's Go Crazy or Kiss.  Prince is another "must have")

Girls Just Want To Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper (Just pure joy from one of the most original mainstream 80s artists)

The Safety Dance - Men Without Hats (Oh come on- this is just fun!  Bouncy silly fun song about nuclear annihilation)

Pump Up the Volume - M/A/R/R/S (That groove!) (The video isn't official, but it's fun)

Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood (Gay icons break through with an infectious hook.  I prefer Two Tribes, but this one is the better known)

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham! (Another "must")

Nasty - Janet Jackson (Attitude, beat... yes!)

(Obviously, I had to leave a lot out.  But these are what I remember as being inescapably huge songs in the clubs of the time)"

***********************************************************

In a second email, I sent this:

"My thoughts on your selections (like you care)  😉 :

- “Take on Me” a-ha (upbeat dance)  This was the last one I cut.  It was between this and "Pump Up the Volume."  This one is iconic.

- “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” Tears for Fears (upbeat dance)  Gen X theme song.  I didn't include it as it just isn't as danceable.

- “Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners (upbeat dance)  Huh.  I wasn't aware that y'all knew this Celtic mess of a song.  One of my personal faves, an the dirtiest mainstream #1 hit of the 80s

- “Careless Whisper” George Michael (cooldown)  Iconic.  Perfect choice for cooldown.  If I'd included slower numbers, this would be there.

- “Time After Time” Cyndi Lauper (slow dance) Co-written by Rob Hyman of the Hooters (who sings backup), this was my first girlfriend and my "song."  Again, iconic and would've been included over True Colors.

- “The Way You Make Me Feel” Michael Jackson (upbeat dance)  My personal MJ fave, but I'll stick to Billie Jean.  Still... this groove...  (loses points for the stalky creepy video)

- “Never Tear us Apart” INXS (cooldown) Is this their best slow song?  Easily.  Moody, smoky, heartbreaking.  Again, if I'd included slow jams, this would be there.  Don't Change is still my fave INXS song, which was simply amazing live.  

A couple of slow jams I'd consider as well:

Keep on Loving You- REO Speedwagon (8th grade dance heaven)

You're the Inspiration- Chicago.  (Barely over Hard to Say I'm Sorry)

True- Spandau Ballet.  So smooth.  Senior year dance vibes.  

I'm that type of guy- LL Cool J.  Smooth hip grinder.  

Purple Rain- Prince.  Duh."  

They never responded to the emails, so I never knew what they thought of my selections or comments (they mentioned they were surprised that they were aware of Come On Eileen, as it's very well known to Gen Z.)  

I asked AI to generate a list of 80s greatest dance party hits.  It returned:

Break my Stride- Matthew Wilder

Don't Stop Believin'- Journey

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics

Girls Just Want to Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper

Every Breath You Take - the Police

So obviously our robot overlords don't know squat about 80s dances.  

So, what do I think of their list, and how it compares to my crusty old self's list?  

As I wrote GZ, their list was interesting.  Obviously it would be very hard to screw this list up, but it could be done.  I'd say their choices are 'safe' and kinda what I'd expect from someone who is passingly (is that a word?) familiar with the decade's music.  Then again, my selections were 'safe' as well, spanning several genres but avoiding others that might be less... identifiable, like Electronica (Kraftwerk), Avant Garde (Grace Jones comes to mind), a deeper dive into various hip hop genres (Run DMC, Grandmaster Flash, Sugerhill Gang), or more New Wave/New Romantics, like Adam Ant and Elvis Costello (Goody Two Shoes and Pump It Up almost made my list.)

In many ways, the music of the 1980s (my high school and college years) is timeless.  It brings back memories of times good and bad, and especially of the days when the music MATTERED.  Music was my escape from my life at the time and meant everything to me.  In many ways it still does despite my hearing loss making listening more difficult.  It reminds me of a time when I was young, and the possibilities were endless if I could just escape my small town.  

I stopped being "current" with music around the end of Grunge, and really don't like much of the current stuff I hear.  Not to sound like my parents, but it all sounds the same to me.  I acknowledge the talent/genius of Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift, but I don't listen to their music.  It isn't MY music.  It isn't aimed at me.  So now I remain stuck in my little music cocoon of genres pre- 1994.  I listen to big band, Sinatra, Doo-wop, "classic rock", and my precious 80s music.  (I'm the Queen of 80s Trivia, btw.)  

In the end, my final evaluation and comparison is this: who am I to judge who like what?  Of course a Gen Z person would make safer choices than someone my age- they don't know the possibilities- the breadth and majesty of 80s music.  It would be like me making a list of 1960s music and comparing it to a hippie's.  Yes, I know a LOT about the era, but I didn't live it, and I don't know the nitty-gritty of the scenes.  What would I make for an 80s party for people my age?  I already did that: 4 CDs worth.  :)

Oh, in case you're interested, this is the list I sent in for 20s-40s.  I don't know if/what was played.  

1920s 

Eddie Cantor: Makin' Whoopee  (mid tempo) 

Sweet Georgia Brown (quick) 

Sophie Tucker (fast) / Bessie Smith (slow):   I Ain't Got Nobody 

Jelly Roll Morton: Black Bottom Stomp (fast-ish) 

Cole Porter (Ella Fitzgerald) : Let’s Do It (Let’s Fall in Love) 

Irving Berlin: "Puttin' On the Ritz" 

1930s 

Duke Ellington:  It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing) (mid tempo) 

Bennie Goodman: Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing) (fast- best known song of the big band era) 

Air Mail Special (fast) 

Cole Porter:   

    I’ve Got You Under My Skin 

    Night and Day  

    Anything Goes 

Andrews Sisters: "Nice Work If You Can Get It" 

Glen Miller:  "Moonlight Serenade" (slow, but guaranteed you know it) 

    Pennsylvania 6-5000 

Cab Calloway: Minnie the Moocher (mid tempo) 

Count Basie: One O’Clock Jump (fast) 

Louis Armstrong:  Stardust 

    Just a Gigolo (slow) 

Lil’ Armstrong: Lindy Hop (fast- spawned a dance craze) 

1940s 

Duke Ellington:  Take the A Train (mid-fast) 

    I Got It Bad (and That Ain’t Good) (slow- get the Ella Fitzgerald (best) or Nina Simone (if you         want a more modern interpretation) 

Glenn Miller: "Chattanooga Choo Choo" (fast) 

Andrews Sisters: "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" (all A.S. songs are fast) 

    "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree" 

    “Rhumboogie” 

Artie Shaw: Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive 

Be well.