Sunday, September 7, 2014

Last Talk- a Year Later

September 7, 2013.  It was a Saturday.  Here's what I wrote about it then:

"I found Lisa near one of the bars.  She'd changed clothes as well.  She saw my mood, and we sat one a stone ledge in the lobby and talked.  And drank a bit.  

We discussed being a good parent.  She hadn't liked my idea of getting them a house.  And she felt that the only way to be the best possible parent to my daughter was to be a complete person.  

To transition.

I cried on her shoulder.  She also suggested that I be myself for the long drive home the following day.  

We hugged, and she held me closer than ever.  We parted ways, as I headed back to my room for some much needed sleep.  I turned and waved to her.  She waved back, smiling.

It was the last time I saw her alive."

The Final Night

That was a whole year ago today.  One full year has passed since I laid eyes on one of my best friends.  "My transition sister."  Lisa Empanada

She wrote about that night as well.  This is from a Facebook post:

"I miss you daddy" forced the tears to well up. Upon hearing about this, it caused a lump in my throat seeing the tears flow from a worried 'Daddy' who needs to focus on being the woman she is, in order to be the best parent she can be. All I could do was hug her...Dad to Dad.

I've written in this blog that I realize now that this was her saying goodbye. That our last hug which we held longer than before was meant to be Final.

I think about her every day.  And I think about what we spoke about.  She was emphatic that to be the best parent I could be, I had to be the best person I could be- the most complete person.  That meant going full time.  It would take me over six months, but I did it.

I wonder if she hadn't died and thrown me into the Darkness if I would've done it sooner?  Who knows?

Lisa and I had spoken many times about our transitions.  We were going to support each other through it- transition Together.  Sisters.  She had been all but full time for a few months, but hadn't gone the full way yet- she was still male for work.  

She was in Male mode when she killed herself.  I still maintain that Lisa wouldn't have done that- but Tom did.

Am I a better parent as Sophie?  Well, I hardly see my daughter.  She misses me- she tells me every time I see her.  And I tell her I love her.  Am I a better person?  Absolutely.  My anger is gone.  My need to hide and to challenge all who would get close are also gone.  I hardly drink anymore.  

I have learned to cry.

Lisa showed me how sad I could be and live.  I still cry for her.  My eyes are tearing up even as I type this.  

So.  Was Lisa right?  I would have to say Yes.  As a better person, I CAN be a better parent.  And I'm trying to be that.  The road is hard.  So very hard.  Harder still when I rarely see my Daughter.  I'm especially afraid when she says something that I KNOW came from her grandmother.  MIL.  

My life is a work in progress, and will continue to be one until that day, many years from now, God willing, that I see Lisa again.

I have more to say on the subject of Lisa, but I'll wait until the anniversary of her death to do it.  After all, that's coming very soon as well.  

The Final Picture I took of Lisa.  One Year Ago.

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