Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Drifting Thoughts

It's Christmas time in Retail.  Usually my mind is on my work, but occasionally it wanders.

With the gorgeous Jone at the Renaissance Party

For example, last Saturday I worked all day.  It was extremely busy and I encountered some abusive customers.  But that night I attended two parties.  The first was the annual Renaissance Christmas party, hosted by the amazing Kristyn King.  The second was the 10th Anniversary Angela's Laptop Lounge Party at Baxters.

And both were a LOT of fun!  I wore my scarlet dress for the first time since Southern Comfort 2013 gala... the last night I saw Lisa Empanada alive.  I received many compliments on it, which helped my decidedly anti-holiday mood.

However, my roomie and I left them both early, as we both had to wake up early the next morning for work. As I undressed back at the apartment, a thought struck me.  I remembered all the times I changed in motel rooms before going home to my Wife.  And I remember how sad it made me.  I would usually take a few last pictures, then look in the mirror.  Looking back at me was the woman I knew was inside...and I had to say goodbye to her, usually for another whole month. Often I whispered "Goodbye Sophie" before first removing my false eyelashes, then my wig...

It was very hard to do.  And as time went on, it became almost impossible.  I would cry as I took that last look.  Then of course, in August 2013, I was thrown out of the house, so I no longer had to worry about changing in motel rooms.

Another bit I don't miss are the "Pink Hangovers."  That's the enormous letdown in the days following an event.  Think of it this way- for a full night, I was Myself, among people who Really understood me and who knew me for who I really was.  And during that time, I was my True Self.  Then I had to go back into my shell.  I had to go back to pretending- to playing the role that had grown onerous.  It was pure hell, knowing who I really was and having to hide.

With Katie and Linda at Laptop

Now, I see a woman whenever I look in a mirror.  But I do not take that for granted.  After all those times gazing at motel mirrors; after all the tears; I am proud of what I have earned.  Sometimes while getting ready for work in the morning, I pause in front of the full length mirror in the bedroom.  I look at myself- as I am now.   And I smile.  Am I where I want to be yet?  No.  Far from.  But I've come a long way.

However, there is another thought that keeps drifting in, especially when I lay in bed at night.  I think about who I was, and what I did to my Wife.  She thought she married a man.  What happened was so unfair to her.  Was our marriage perfect?  No.  But none are.  The picture that comes to me is one as I was, as a man.  And my hand is extended to her, waiting for her to take it.  Waiting for her to take the hand of her husband so that we may embrace.  So that we may express the Love that we share.

That man is gone.  Did he ever truly exist?  Replacing him is a middle age woman with whom my Wife now shares co-parenting duties.  We still get along very well.  in some ways, nothing has changed.  We went to see Star Wars last week.  We are both fanatics.  We discussed Star Wars and music on our first date back in 1991.  For her birthday years ago, I gave her a vintage Star Wars movie poster (Style A for those who know what that means.)  It cost a fortune, but she loved it.  My wedding gift to her was a Star Wars 10th anniversary print that I had framed.  And it was just like when we were dating.  Just the two of us, enjoying an afternoon at the movies.

Transition is about Loss.  I knew what I was giving up.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  Badly.  When I think about that- when that image drifts into my mind, I always cry.

My life is currently far from perfect.  However, living my life authentically is so amazing.  This is what transition is all about- being who I truly am.  I've written it many times- that we as Transpeople have the advantage of knowing Who we really are.  How many people can say that?

May your Holidays bring you peace.

Be Well.

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