A Day of Crying

Yesterday I cried.  A LOT.

There are many reasons for my falling to the floor wracked with sobs.  And here's the hard bit:

I'm not going to tell you all of them.

I'll get to why.

So The weekend started fairly calmly.  Wife (should I come up with a different pseudonym? I mean it as an affectionate one but I've been told that it may not be read that way) and I both had off work, and we both ran errands, usually apart but sometimes together.  Her mom (MIL) was gone all week, and we had a pleasant time.  Thursday was kindergarten orientation for our daughter, who was VERY excited.

Saturday I ran some errands then grilled steaks for us.  Our daughter ate earlier and watched Scooby Doo in the "living room" as we listened to Sinatra and ate by candlelight.  All in all, a very pleasant night. 

Before.

I slept in on Sunday, knowing that sleep would be at a premium for the next two weeks.  Sunday was beautiful and sunny.  I had no idea what the plans for the day would be, so I suggested house hunting.

Ok, now here's where I'm going to start getting purposefully vague.

She sat on the bed and looked down at me.  And told me she would not go house hunting.  She would not be moving out with me.  There is FAR more to the conversation to this, BUT...

She asked me not to post it here.  So I will not do so.

I will discuss the fallout and what I learned though.

The conversation ended when she and daughter left to go school shopping.  And I continued crying on the couch (where the conversation had moved.)  I texted my therapist and my "Big Sis" Mel.

What had I learned?  Many things.  That MIL knows all about me.  That Wife's two brothers (here designated Middle and Youngest) searched for this blog, and found it.  That said information was relayed back to MIL and to Wife. And that Wife has read at least some of the entries.

What does all this mean?  That her immediate family knows my Truth.  And HAS known for at least a week or so.  It also means that she has seen pictures of me.  "MANY pictures." 

So if Wife, Middle, or Youngest are reading this:  Hi!  I'm glad you are reading the blog.  Hopefully you will understand just a little what it means to be trans.  And you can always ask questions.

Anyway.

I posted a small update on Facialbook:

Wife told me that she and daughter are NOT moving out with me. That she has seen the blog, and seen pictures of me. That her 2 brothers have both seen the blog. And that MIL knows everything.

I've spent the last hour crying.

As I prepared to leave the house, I fell to my knees, then to floor, sobbing.  It was all too much.  Losing my Wife and daughter.  NOT being able to do right by them.  Everything.  I don't know how long I lay prone on the floor face in hands, crying.  But eventually, I did stand up.  Blew my nose.  Went out the door.

I then drove over to Mel's.  On the way, I called Lisa Empanada, who gave me some good advice and listened to me cry.  Lisa has good shoulders.  They have built in sponges.

Walking into Mel's place, I received an email.  I had been elected to Vanity Club.  I'll discuss that more in depth in another entry. 

Mel listened to me cry too.  But I eventually pulled myself together.  We ordered pizza and listened to music.  And we talked.  There are many reasons to have a "Big Sister."  And times like this, I am SO glad not only that I have one, but also that it is Mel.  Her wisdom is amazing.  Times like these, when I'm free-falling, she, and so many others are there to catch me.

Eventually, I washed my face and drove to work at the bookstore.  I managed to keep myself from crying for the whole shift.

I thought about all that happened.

So.  What happened to make me cry so much?  Was Wife vicious and cruel?  No.  Far from.  In fact, she was not only fair, but downright generous.  No, it was nothing she did.

She and I have been together for 22 years.  Married 20.  That's a LOT of time.  A lot of shared history.  We've had some amazing times, and some horrible times.  22 years of in-jokes and beloved movies.  "The subtle rhetoric of simple moments" as I wrote in a story long ago.

I love my wife.  I love my daughter.  The fact that I am causing them any pain hurts me almost beyond tolerance.  The idea that their lives will go on without me.  All the things I will miss.  My daughter is five.  All the milestones that will pass that I won't see...  And why?  For what?  Because I was born different- and that difference is driving us apart.  Because I can't live a lie.  I wish it were different.

I started crying again typing that last paragraph.

I absolutely do NOT blame my wife for her courses of action, save one.  I'll get back to that.  She is doing what she needs to do for herself.  No, this one is all me.

The only thing I disagree with her about is keeping Daughter in this house.  She feels that she can be more of a positive than MIL is a negative.  I disagree.  But I'm not in a position to press the case. 

So.  What's next?  Things have been quiet since then, almost as if nothing happened.  But it did. I went to therapy today, and Dr. Osborne made some recommendations.  It was a rough session, and I'm still thinking it through.

Soon, Wife and I will discuss the future.  Then I will go to SCC.

Maybe I'll be finished crying before then.

Maybe.