Friday, January 3, 2014

Sophie's P&L Statement, 2013

P&L.  That's business jargon for "Profit and Loss."  ("BS Bingo" anyone?)  I decided that I'm going to judge whether or not 2013 was a good or bad year in a purely analytical sense.  Coldly.  Dispassionately.  Without feeling.  Vger seeks the creator.

Sorry, got carried away.

Celebrating 2014 at the Raven. 
Makeup and Hair by Linda Lewis

2013 is over.  Finished.  In the books.  And I must say that in many ways, it was the worst year of my life.  But was it?  Let's find out.  I will rate each on points.  1 (meh) to 5 (Incredibly Major).  Then  I'll total the results.


Completed ARD Program                           3
Attended Keystone Conference                   3
Attended Southern Comfort                        4
Met several of my inspirations                    3
Came out to several friends                         3
Cousin Anne accepted me                           3
Lisa Empanada's Affirmation Party            5
Elected to Vanity Club                                3
Parents accepted me                                    4


70 Hour Weeks at Poverty Wages              3
Inability to find a new job                          3
JoAnne Roberts' Death                               4
Wife decided she can't stay with me.         5
Thrown out of MIL's House                       5
Alone on Birthday                                      3
Lisa Empanada's Death                              5
Lisa's Funeral                                             4
The Darkness that followed                       5
"Whatsit"                                                    2

Ok, so those are the majors.   And the totals?

2013 taught me how low I could sink and survive.  And it also taught me that I AM on the right path.  For me.  It's amazing the losses I've suffered.  It's amazing the Joys I've experienced.  I've made some amazing friends this year... and lost my Sister. 

As the countdown to 2014 rolled to zero, I couldn't help but think that I didn't want the year to end.  I felt like I was leaving Lisa behind.  2014 would be a year without her- she Lived in 2013.  I expressed this to Sandy and she felt the same.  As did my cousin Anne, but about her mother.  Life continues without our loved ones.

With Sandy, New Years Eve

I'm still learning to live without Lisa.  Hell, I'm still learning how to Live.

So it's 2014, and the situation is as follows:  I am living at my friend M's at her charity.  I am all but full time as a woman.  I see my daughter once or twice a week, and I have to tell her soon.  Wife thinks I should wait until it's almost time.  Time.  March 25 is the target.  Why?  It's when I leave for the Keystone Conference.  So like my friend Stephanie, I'll return from a conference as my True Self.

There's so much yet to do.  My first few months of 2014 will be busy.  Name change, gender marker, some more hair removal, save save save.

I'd love to think that 2014 couldn't be any worse than 2013, but experience has taught me that it can ALWAYS be worse.  How many more losses will I experience before it's all behind me?  But if it can be worse, I must always acknowledge and remember that I can also be BETTER. 

I was having a lunch with Linda Lewis the other day (she is temporarily living in the same house as I am as she awaits her place in Florida to open) and we toasted to 2014.  We were both in drab.  She then said "if nothing else, at this time next year we won't look like this."  And she was right.  Next Christmas, I'll have been a woman for many months.  Legally. 

At the Raven with Linda Lewis

I have dear friends.  I have some family that accept me.  I have much more than so many transpeople right now, just for the fact that I have a roof over my head. 

So 2014 lies ahead of me.  It will be what I make of it.  I can choose to wallow in Darkness, or reach for Light.  I have chosen to Live.  I have chosen to live MY life, and to be the best parent I can to my Daughter.

I have chosen to be Sophie.

And may all of you have a wonderful 2014.  Choose to Live.


1 comment:

  1. Sophie -

    And if you get to NYC, I'd love to show you around. (Just contact me for a reference for an inexpensive, safe, clean, tiny place that I'd use if I came from out of town.)

    I hope you have a better year, and though we've never met, I hope you'd accept my friendship when we do....