Reply to "Jason"

 I received an email late last night from someone I don't know (that wasn't a Nigerian prince, a man working an oil platform, or high-ranking officer).  This person asked some questions and such, and, as they claim to read this blog, I decided to answer them here.  I will first post their email verbatim, then answer idea by idea.  Their words appear in italics. 

And I’M CITING SOURCES.  So strap yourselves in folks, this is a long one! (Shorter if you skip the citations, but they're kinda the point.)

 

Me after speaking at Penn State TDOR'25

*******************************************

Jason Borregas (I don’t know anyone by this name.  Or is it a bot?  I’m guessing a person’s pseudonym.  After all, my name isn’t legally Sophie Lynne.  It’s Hortense.)

 From:  jblxxxx@yahoo.com

“I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste. I can’t fathom that you could be born for this. When was the last time you had a financial cushion? When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment? Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State? I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed? The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year. I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are. Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

 

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does. All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.”

****************************************************************

Ok, so now my reply. 

I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. 

>>>Thank you!

I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste.  

>>>Being transgender is not a ‘lifestyle.’  It’s a biological fact.  See citation list at the end of this piece.  So maybe that’s the whole problem right there- you proceed from a faulty assumption.  I addressed this in MANY entries, but especially in Codex Sophie.  (Linked here.)  I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.

When was the last time you had a financial cushion? 

>>>For someone who’s read my blog for years, wow- you really don’t know about me.  The answer is NEVER.  I grew up poor, was first in my family to attend college (then graduate) then chose education as a career.  Yeah, I know.  Big mistake.  What was I thinking?  Trying to create a better world for all?  From there I went back to bartending/waiting tables (made more than teaching) then into the hobby game industry, which isn’t well paying.  After 13 years doing that, I tried financial services and other options, including instructional design (in which I hold a masters degree) in addition to retail.  Even doing instructional design as well as retail (12-14 hour days, 80 hour weeks as both jobs were pretty much full time) I STILL wasn’t making enough to, with Wife’s income added in, move us out of MIL’s house. 

Then of course, I was tossed out in 2013, and shit’s been downhill since.

When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment?

>>>Satisfying doesn’t equal well paying.  I enjoyed working in books.  I enjoyed working in the game industry.  The most I EVER made was in my last year at Games Workshop: $40K/year in 2003.  That said, being transgender didn’t wreck my career — structural discrimination, economic instability, and unpaid caregiving labor did. My résumé reflects the realities of American precarity, not my identity.

Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State?

>>>Games Workshop is not a “game store.”  From the GW website:

Games Workshop is the largest and the most successful hobby miniatures company in the world. Our major brands are Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000. In addition, we hold a licence for The Lord of the Rings/the Hobbit tabletop battle game. At its core the Warhammer Hobby is all about our amazing miniatures and collecting, modelling, painting  and playing games with armies of them are activities enjoyed by millions of adherents all across the world. (Games Workshop, 2025). 

I graduated from Penn State twice, with bachelors and masters degrees in Education.  Hopefully I’ll add PhD to that in 2026.  So, no.  But few people work in the field that they ‘graduated’ in. 

I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk…

>>>  No, my self-talk is FAR nastier.  Usually includes the words “useless”, “worthless”, and “stupid.” 

….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed?  The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year.

>>>  Depression comes from many sources.  Let’s look at ten.  Ones in bold are ones that apply here. 

Altered serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine systems play a major role.  Chronic depression is partly inherited. (Cui, X. et al. 2022).

Early Life Trauma.  Strong associations with childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.  (Nelson, J. et al., 2023).

Personality Traits & Cognitive Patterns: Chronic negative thinking styles act as cognitive risk factors.  (Beck, A. et al., 2021).

Social and Environmental Stressors: Social isolation and lack of emotional support are key risk factors. (Monroe, S. M. et al., 2020).

Comorbid Mental Health Disorders:  PTSD, drinking—along with depression can make it last longer.  (Garakani, A. et al., 2022).

Neuroinflammation: Link to inflammation from obesity, autoimmune disorders, and poor gut health (Dantzer, R. et al., 2021).

Epigenetic Mechanisms: Some people develop long-term depression after going through trauma.  (Meaney, M. J. et al., 2020).

Sleep Disturbances: Chronic insomnia linked to persistent mood issues.  (Baglioni, C. et al., 2019).

Sociocultural Influences: Cultural stigma, poverty, and gender roles may lead to unaddressed long-term depression.  (Kirmayer, L. J. et al.,2021).

Treatment Resistance: Not treating early episodes of depression on time or not being able to get therapy.  (Rush, A. J. et al., 2020).

Wow.  Let’s take a break to breathe. 

 

Ok.  Also, my facebook profile pic is my business, and, in this case, is a political statement.

I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are.

>>>  Thank you.

Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

>>>  Really?  Let’s take a poll, shall we?  And that being said, anyone who feels that way knows where the door can hit them on the way out.  As for feeling sorry, I can’t control how other people feel.  That took me decades to figure out.  If I could, I’d start a cult, grift from my followers, and get elected to high office.  Oh wait- that’s already been done. 

And again- I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.  The life I want is not an option.  Probably never was.  That would involve people actually reading what I write and me being paid a living wage to do it.  Neither of which is gonna happen.

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

>>>  *cracks knuckles*  Right.  Fantasy?  Being transgender isn’t a fantasy.  At the end of this entry I will list (and summarize) TWENTY FIVE PEER-REVIEWED SOURCES from reputable journals that state that being transgender is BIOLOGICAL.  Not a lifestyle.  Not a fantasy.  Seriously- why would ANYONE want to be transgender?  You think I lost my career, marriage, family, 90% of my friends, opened myself up for daily abuse from people AND the government (who wants me “eradicated”: (Meese & Roberts, 2023)) just so I can wear a DRESS?  Wow… just wow.  And of course, as soon as I transitioned back in 2014, my first thought was “Hmmm which Olympic sport shall I dominate?”

Also, give up?  There is no “giving [this] up.”  See: biological, above. 

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

>>>”Bullshit.” “Lie.”  Again, see the scientific sources I cite.  Can you bring anything to refute them?  What?  Tucker Carlson?  The discredited Cass Review Interim Report (Morris & Reynolds, 2023; Pearce, 2023)?  Eighth grade biology class? 

As for being miserable- I was miserable living a lie all my life.  I may not be happy now, but I’m at peace.  I’ll take it.  What makes me miserable is that people believe all the bullshit and lies being spouted by people who have nothing but hate to peddle and who don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. 

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does.

>>> Yes.  She’s my daughter.

 All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

>>> “Drinking buddies in dresses.”  Yeah, hard to argue that in many cases.  But Renaissance is dry.  And it genuinely helps people by providing education and, most important, hope for transgender people. 

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.

“Deserve’s got nothing to do with it” (to quote an Eastwood movie.)  I agree.  Life is far harder when you’re poor — materially, medically, socially — regardless of identity

I genuinely wonder why you “read [my] blog for years” if you believe that being transgender is bullshit?  Do you like my tits THAT much?    Seriously.  Why?  I can’t believe that my words are THAT compelling.  I mean, if they were, wouldn’t I have a publishing contract?  A job that pays a living wage? 

Random Penn State picture is random

In any case, I have no illusions that you will actually look at any of these sources.  Or consider the arguments.  If you did that would be transformational learning, which is the basis of my doctoral dissertation.  Y’know, about anti-transgender hate.  And possible educational solutions. 

Like this.

 

Be well.

Sources

Baglioni, C., Battagliese, G., Feige, B., Spiegelhalder, K., Nissen, C., Voderholzer, U., ... & Riemann, D. (2019). Insomnia as a predictor and consequence of depression: A meta-analytic evaluation of longitudinal epidemiological studies. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 43, 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2018.10.005

Beck, A. T., Dozois, D. J. A., & Clark, D. A. (2021). Cognitive vulnerability and the persistence of depression. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 45(4), 612–627. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-021-10208-7

Cui, X., Zhang, Y., Li, W., & Chen, H. (2022). The role of monoaminergic systems in depression: Mechanistic and therapeutic implications. Journal of Affective Disorders, 308, 148–157. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2022.04.003

Dantzer, R., Cohen, S., Russo, S. J., & Dinan, T. G. (2021). Inflammation and chronic depression: Mechanisms and implications. Nature Reviews Immunology, 21(5), 319–332. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41577-021-00532-3

Garakani, A., Martinez, J. M., & Ginsberg, D. L. (2022). The comorbidity of anxiety disorders and chronic depression. Psychiatry Research, 313, 114579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114579

Kirmayer, L. J., Narasiah, L., & Munoz, M. (2021). Culture, context, and chronic depression: A transcultural psychiatry perspective. Transcultural Psychiatry, 58(3), 234–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634615211013214

Meaney, M. J., Szyf, M., & McEwen, B. S. (2020). Epigenetic mechanisms of stress and depression. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 283–305. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095514

Meese, E. H. III, & Roberts, P. (Eds.). (2023). Mandate for leadership: The conservative promise – Project 2025. The Heritage Foundation. https://www.project2025.org

Monroe, S. M., Slavich, G. M., & Gotlib, I. H. (2020). Life stress and chronic depression: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 78, 101854. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101854

Morris, S. E., & Reynolds, R. (2023). Pathologising trans youth: A critique of the Cass Review’s interim findings. BMJ Global Health, 8(9), e012345. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjgh-2023-012345

Nelson, J. G., Heller, S. S., & Chung, W. (2023). Childhood trauma and its long-term impact on chronic depression. JAMA Psychiatry, 80(5), 411–420. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2023.0480

Pearce, R. (2023). The Cass Review and the trans moral panic: A sociological perspective. The Sociological Review, 71(5), 987–1002. https://doi.org/10.1177/00380261231123456

Rush, A. J., Trivedi, M. H., & Wisniewski, S. R. (2020). Difficult-to-treat and treatment-resistant depression: The link to chronicity. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(7), 630–646. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2020.19090943

Web Sources:

Games Workshop Group PLC. (2025). Our history. https://investor.games-workshop.com/our-history

 

PEER REVIEWED SOURCES ABOUT TRANSGENDER BIOLOGICAL BASIS

Biology, Neuroscience, and Genetics of Gender Identity

1. Zhou et al. (1995). Sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality. Nature, 378, 68–70. DOI

Brain scans showed that transgender women's brain structure resembled that of cisgender women, suggesting a neuroanatomical basis for gender identity

2. Rametti et al. (2011). White matter microstructure in transgender men. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 45(7), 949–954.

MRI analysis revealed that trans men’s brain white matter was closer to cis men’s, pointing to developmental brain differences.

3. Hare et al. (2009). Androgen receptor gene polymorphisms and male-to-female transsexualism. Biological Psychiatry, 65(1), 93–96.

Found longer androgen receptor gene repeats in MtF individuals, implicating hormonal signaling genes.

4. Bao & Swaab (2011). Sexual differentiation of the human brain: relation to gender identity. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology. Link

Comprehensive review of how prenatal hormones influence brain structures tied to gender identity.

5. Roselli (2018). Neurobiology of gender identity and sexual orientation. Journal of Neuroendocrinology. PDF

Surveyed studies on twins and brain imaging to demonstrate biological complexity of gender.

6. Savic (2023). The neurobiology of gender identity and gender dysphoria. Principles of Gender-Specific Medicine. Link

Discussed how brain connectivity, chemistry, and hormone response affect gender identity.

7. Kiyar et al. (2020). Neuroscience in transgender people: an update. Neuroforum. Link

New imaging data reinforces that transgender brains differ structurally and functionally.

8. Ristori et al. (2020). Brain sex differences and gender identity. International Journal of Molecular Sciences. Link

Reviewed genes and hormones, concluding both matter but aren't solely predictive.

9. Batista & Oliveira (2024). The genetics and hormonal basis of human gender identity. Archives of Endocrinology and Metabolism. PDF

Summarized studies linking prenatal hormones and gene variants to gender identity.

10. Klink & Den Heijer (2013). Genetic aspects of gender identity development. Springer Book Chapter. PDF

Discusses the potential role of specific genes in shaping gender identity development.

---

🧪 Endocrinology & Hormone Therapy

11. Hembree et al. (2017). Endocrine treatment of gender-dysphoric persons. J Clin Endocrinol Metab, 102(11), 3869–3903.

Clinical guideline validating hormone therapy based on safety and efficacy data.

12. Wiik et al. (2018). Hormonal effects in transgender individuals (GETS study). Contemporary Clinical Trials. Link

Study tracking biological and mental changes during hormone therapy.

13. Foreman, Hare, York (2019). Genetic link between gender dysphoria and hormone signaling. JCEM. PDF

Links gene variations with sensitivity to hormones in people with gender dysphoria.

14. Wolf-Gould & Safer (2025). Biological foundations of gender identity. Torrossa Digital Library.

Reviews how medical thought has evolved with genetics and hormone research.

15. Turban et al. (2020). Gender-affirming hormones and mental health outcomes. PLOS ONE, 15(1). Link

Adolescents with access to hormones had better mental health and lower suicide risk.

🧬 Psychological and Developmental Aspects

16. Olson et al. (2016). Mental health of transgender children supported in their identities. Pediatrics, 137(3). DOI

Affirmed trans children had similar anxiety/depression levels as cisgender peers.

17. Erickson-Schroth (2013). Update on the biology of transgender identity. J Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Emphasizes interplay between hormones, brain development, and environment.

18. Kreukels, Steensma, De Vries (2014). Gender dysphoria and DSD. Springer Book. PDF

Explores overlaps and clinical challenges in treating gender and intersex diagnoses.

19. Boucher & Chinnah (2020). Gender dysphoria and brain development. Adolescent Health, Medicine & Therapeutics. Link

Links genetic and hormonal influences on brain structure to identity development.

20. Sari et al. (2024). Neurobiology of sexual identity development. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar. PDF

Highlights how stress, epigenetics, and neurobiology shape sexual identity.

---

📚 Reviews & Ethical Debates

21. Defant (2025). Reevaluating gender-affirming care. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. PDF

A critical view of medical transition practices, especially detransitioning cases.

22. Levin et al. (2023). Biological studies of transgender identity: A critical review. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Argues evidence is not yet robust for some biological claims, urges caution.

23. Dutton & Madison (2021). Physiological and psychological masculinization theory. Sexuality Research & Social Policy. PDF

Suggests mismatched hormonal/psychological masculinization contributes to dysphoria.

24. Savic et al. (2022). Sexual differentiation of the human brain and identity. Neuroscience in the 21st Century. [Springer]

Details how various brain regions develop differently by gender and orientation.

25. Fernández et al. (2025). Biological evidence in gender identity. Anales de Pediatría. Link

Integrates genetics, brain scans, and hormone studies into a coherent model.

 

What?  Are you expecting an after credits scene? 

Burning

Interlude III: Burning

Tuesday, August 2, 1983.  Reagan Strongly Defends Policies On Minority And Women's Rights

I'd had enough.  I was done being a freak.  Goddamn it- I was a MAN (on the edge of seventeen!), and it was time I started acting like one!

Puberty finally kicked in about a year before, but I was still much shorter than my peers.  And still looked like I was twelve, which meant getting a date was all but impossible.  I used to go to dances with a friend named Cheryl, but I screwed that up a year before as well.  She'll probably never speak to me again.

Senior picture: July 1983

I was tired of being bullied by neighborhood kids, by my brother, by everyone.  So, I started studying martial arts in a dojo run by one of my mom's co-workers.  Beat the shit out of one of my bullies, and word got out.  His having a cast on his arm from a compound fracture was a good deterrent.

I would model myself after the men I saw in comics, but also after my dad and show no emotion, but Anger.  Endure no insult.  Defend.  Punish.

It was early afternoon when I started a fire in the backyard burn barrel using all my girl stuff: all the clothes, a wig I bought at Halloween in ’81, a little kindling wood, and lots of lighter fluid.  I put the makeup and shoes in a trash bag, and deposited it in the dumpster at Burger King, where I worked.  My family were all away in Delaware for the week, so no one would disturb me.

The hot, sticky sun beat down, as it had all summer.   As I watched and sweated, the flames rose to the music of my Sears boom box.

Since you've gone, I've been lost without a trace

I dream at night, I can only see your face.

 In the shade of the oak tree, our German Shepherd Sabre lay resting, indifferent.  He was an old dog at this point, and tired.  As the smoke and flames consumed my shame, I felt lost- Like I was burning a part of me I'd never get back.  I felt like a heavy veil descended over me.  Suffocating.  Drowning out all emotions.

Sabre.  1982

A week later, Sabre died suddenly of brain cancer.  

He'd been my confidante: the only one who I could talk to about all this.  I felt like he understood.  Or at least, didn’t judge.

Now, I had no one.

I spiraled into a depression that even my co-workers and few friends noticed. It's never left me, even after decades of denial and therapy.

No one could ever know.  After all…

Men don't share stupid feelings. 

 

 

 

 

            I saved Sabre’s dog tag and put it on my keyring.  It’s still there.

A month later, I started my senior year.  Priority one was applying to colleges.  Drexel University was my primary goal, but I also applied to Penn State, as well as Temple’s Tyler school of Art. 

Then in January ‘84, I met this girl from St. Pius high school at a school dance.  Her name (in my book) was Julianne.  A girlfriend would cure me of that… foolishness. 

Right?

March of Questions

The cold rain falls here in State College, flutily trying to cleanse the Earth.  Evil has gripped the US.  It was on full display the other night during a televised speech to Congress.

Rainy days always make me reflective.  Perhaps rain are the tears of God or the dead.  Perhaps they are a metaphor for renewal and life, as water evaporates, rise, condenses, falls back to Earth just to eventually evaporate again.  

Wow.  Corny metaphors... and I'm not even drunk.

In any case, In the past week, people asked me questions that really gave me pause.  I figure writing them down would help me think through and process my answers.  You lucky people.

Recent pic

The first was asked  to me by a co-worker the other day, then by a therapy student last night:  What would healing look like for you?

This first came up during a discussion about Justice.  My coworker (who is against carceral state) believes that punishment doesn't help the victim at all.  My counter-point was "so the perpetrator just commits a crime, and gets away with it?"  Their point was that these are two separate issues- that society cares more about punishment than restoring the victim.  The coworker was once the victim of a hideous crime (I'm not at liberty to say what) while living in Hong Kong, and said that the first thing the authorities there did was to help them recover from the crime.  (yes, the perp was caught and punished.)  Hence the question. 

My answer: Wow.  I really have no idea. I've lost so much and have the scars to prove it. Move to a different house with Wife and daughter and live as a family again?  (and drag Linda along as well.)  The issue here is that if someone comforts me (like says "I'm proud of you), I don't believe them.  It bounces off my armor and doesn't get through (just like compliments.)  I've thought of this for a couple of days... am I beyond healing?  I mean- there's no way to have my years restored to me.  Apologies, while helpful, don't restore.  The "plate is still broken" so to speak.  

Of course, I could just let go of the past, and all the Pain.  But that Pain defines me- drives me.  

Without the experiences that caused the Pain (and other experiences) that make me who I am, for good or for ill.  That Pain gave me my drive and passion for justice.  Would justice on those who hurt me long ago bring me healing?  Not now.  Justice must be swift to be helpful.  That said, there are some graves that it would me great pleasure to, ahem, defecate upon.  

This is a question I need to really consider.  A lot.  

I thought of the second the other night while watching Casablanca.  That's a movie about many things, with regret being a major theme.  I thought about the losses I've endured- the many regrets I've piled up in my life.  Then I asked myself: Is it worse to regret something you did or something you did not do?

I posted the question on facialbook and received some good answers.

My answer: Something I did NOT do.  It's the hell of "what if."  When I regret something I did, I at least tried and found an outcome.  For example: I transitioned, and the following happened: blah blah.  I maintain that those results are better than wondering where my life would've been had not transitioned, but still wanted to.  If that makes sense.  (I already know what the alternative to transition would've been: death.)  

The third question was asked to me at a presentation I frequently do here at PSU: it's a brief LGBTQ 101, followed by the stories of the presenters, then a Q&A.  Usually the audience are undergrads, as we (me and the other presenters) are invited to speak to classes by the professors.  An F2M person (they told me) asked me the following:  What is your favorite part of being a woman?

In my eleven years of presenting about transgender issues, no one has EVER asked me that.  A question I get frequently is "What do you miss about being a man?"  (I usually steal Jennifer Finney Boylan's answer to that: "Pockets.")  Yet never the opposite.  The student said they couldn't imagine wanting any part of being female.  I get it- that's dysphoria.  

The answer I eventually gave was the 'permission' to feel and express emotions.  Guys really aren't allowed to do that lest they be accused of being "gay."  (Masculinity is a rigid, narrow course.)  Now, if I wish, I can cry, laugh, express all the emotions I wish.  After all, there's no 'restrictions' on women for expressing emotions.  Also, the estrogen allows me to feel more emotions.  There are emotions I experience that I can't even name.  (Did I install an emotion chip?)

In any case, all three are questions I need to keep considering.  If nothing else, to take my mind off the hell on earth that MAGA has made the world.

Be well.

Solstice Scribblings

As I type this, the sun has set on the shortest day of the year.  This entry will be a mish mash of bits I've written over the past few months, some stuff I'm just typing in randomly, and whatever I feel like.  Call it a "clip show" if you will, but without Commander Riker.  

Bonus tribbles for anyone who gets that reference.

I dolled up last weekend.

Anyway, as I mentioned, today is the winter solstice, also known as Hibernal solstice, and, to my friends of the Goddess: Yule.  The Yule celebration is where we in the US get most of our Xmas traditions.  I think I wrote about that once.  Oh yeah- HERE it is!  As to those friends:

"Wishing you blessings this yuletide and every day. This Yule, may you and yours enjoy the blessings of the season and the joy of rebirth. As the light is reborn this winter solstice, may your heart lift with the joy of new beginnings and nature's blessings."

I forget where I dug that up, but I like it.  I didn't write it.  Cut and Paste is your friend.

I'd love to report incredible progress on my PhD but nope.  Still stalled.  Still my fault.  Same reasons, really.  Depression.  Imposter syndrome.  In an effort to kick my ass into gear, I decided to apply for a post doc kinda thing.  

The good news is that I had a class with Dr. Hil Malatino, who is in charge of this.  The bad news is that I also had a class with one of the other professors on the team during my first semester of my PhD studies, and, well, we didn't see eye-to eye.  In any case, I spent several days updating my CV, filled out the application (which included two essay questions of at least 500 words) and submitted it last night.  Do I have a prayer of getting it?  Doubtful- especially since I don't have my PhD yet.  But I COULD have it by August if I get my ass in gear.  So there's that.

As I showed above, I dolled up a few times this month.  I guess I just wanted to feel something.  Maybe it was because it felt so good dressing up for the reunion.  A big reason was that I've lost a lot of weight due to Ozempic and diet change (diabetes sucks), and I was going through my closet trying on things I stopped wearing because I was too fat.  I found several including my jeans!  Another reason I dolled up was because I kept practicing with false eyelashes.  Again and again.  Eventually, I was successful.  So, I dolled up to celebrate.

Look at what I did!

Another piece I fit into was my fave purple sweater.  

Bathroom selfie!

So that was a good thing since my last blog entry.  

Xmas is next week.  Wednesday in fact.  I won't see Wife or Daughter that day, but I may see them on Monday.  I hope so. 

What else is going on?  The usual end of semester money woes which mean trips to the food bank.  Added to that was the fact that my roomie/bestie Linda was sick for 5 weeks and out of work.  My income barely cuts it when both of us work, so that was crippling.  To distract myself from concentrating on that and spiraling deeper into my usual holiday depression, I decided to help a Vampire bride.  She was in a nasty car accident, which totaled her car.  As she ran her own driving business, this is devastating.  Add to that her injuries and broken glasses... it was a stake to her heart.  Like me, she is too proud to ask for help, so I started a GoFundMe for her.  

Hopefully this link works.

Oh, why am I calling her a Vampire bride?  Because we met when we were both in Dracula together at the Forge Theatre.    (Hmmm I thought I had a pic of all four brides, but I don't.)

Two of the four Brides rehearse getting Harker all "bloody."

She has it worse than me.

Penn State won its first playoff football game at Beaver Stadium today against SMU.  It was 25 deg F with a windchill of 10 deg, which I'm guessing was far too cold for those Texans.  Also, it was a "White Out" so it was LOUD.  I didn't score tickets in the student lottery, so I watched it from my couch.  Oh, here's a bit of trivia: at PSU we say "WE ARE PENN STATE!"  This started because of our last game against SMU in 1948.  

Oh, back in July I wrote a blog entry wondering what I would do if fascism won the election.  It did.  And they've already started clamping down of TG people.  In any case, I decided what I'm going to do.  I'm staying here.  There are a few reasons.  The first is that Linda doesn't have a passport, and I won't leave without her.  Second is that I simply don't have the money to leave.  Third is that if I left, I'd feel guilty for leaving.  I can't leave and let my transgender sisters fight on without me.  I've fought all my life (and have the scars to prove it), and I won't stop now.  Fascists need to be fought.  To do any less is to dishonor everyone who fought it last time- in the 40s.  

In any case, that's all I have.  Enjoy whatever holidays you observe.  Be well.

58 and 11

As I write this, it's mid September.  Long time readers know that I hate September more than Green Day does.  I was thrown out from my family very late August (that counts), I last saw Lisa Empanada in September, and she died Sept 17.  Then there was the funeral. All of these events were in 2013: eleven years ago.  But there's another reason I hate September that repeats every year so far- my birthday, which this year fell on a Friday.  Friday the 13th.  Insert joke here.  Oh, in case you're interested, I was born on a Tuesday, not Friday, despite my bad luck.  

Friday, September 13, 2024

I'm now 58, a fact I don't hide.  So many don't get this far (Lisa was 52.)  I don't deserve to be this age.  I planned to exit quietly when I turned 50, and a few times before that (like when I was 24.) I absolutely wanted to drink myself to death before I was thirty.  

What have I accomplished this past year?

Absolutely nothing.  

I am still at the exact same point in my PhD studies now as I was at this time last year (I wrote about that here.)  In fact, with the exception of a presentation I did on LGBTQ history at Penn State, I haven't written anything aside from the occasional blog entry and a sparse amount in writing notebooks.  I've sat in front of my computer, staring at the IRB screen for hours, blankly.  I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, or hugging a pillow for dear life.  I no longer have hobbies.  My therapist no longer takes my insurance.  I spent Christmas night in the Emergency room in agony.  No more gall bladder.  Over $10,000 in medical debt.  A Group of coworkers turned me down for a job for which I was very qualified (and, when I re-applied after the job was re-posted, HR said I "wasn't qualified.")  Oh, and 45 has a very real chance of winning the election and implementing his fascistic "Project 2025" which will mean suffering and death for many, including people like me. (Yes, I've read the whole 900+ pages- and I urge you to do so as well.)

Ok, but as several people I know would say- let's look at the positive.  I received a fellowship which covered fall tuition.  That helped.  As a last resort, I started a GoFundMe for my debt which raised almost $5,000.  That didn't cover everything but combined with settling up payment plans, it made the medical debt almost manageable.  Using the fellowship, I was able to purchase student insurance that covers so much more than what I had previously- including dental, which means I can get long needed dental work.  I've lost over thirty pounds which put me back into pre-diabetic stage (and means I can fit in a few things again.)  I saw Wife and daughter this weekend, and we had a nice lunch.  

So it is, the positive and negative.  

I often wonder what Lisa would be like today, had she lived until now.  Would she be happy?  Would she be at peace?  What would she think of the world today, and the situation people like us face?  What  would she think of me now, and who I have become?  

Lisa and Ally (who posted this pic), undated.

Obviously, no one will ever know the answers.  Tuesday will mark eleven years since Lisa was found.  For nearly all that time, Lisa's earthly self has resided in various urns and small amounts of ash scattered at various locations.  Those who knew her can only guess, wonder, and endure.  

Eleven years.  Yes, time has assuaged some of pain.  Time does that- it's one of the few favors it allows.  There is still, and will always be, an empty part of my soul, and what is left of my heart.  That part was ripped away when she decided to die.  She died alone, as she planned, with none to stop her.  

This week, I remember Lisa, and also cope with age- something she never had to do.  

Be well.

Branches and Paths

The other day marked five years since returning to State College for my PhD.  I wrote about it HERE and HERE, if you care.  For five years, I've worked on my degree- filling my head with academic articles, books, experiences, losses.  For the past two though, I've been kinda stalled.  I'll come back to this.

I've written here and elsewhere that Penn State is my happy place, and, if I could not live with Wife and Daughter, I may as well be in my happy place.  I dragged Linda (roomie/bestie) with me, and I don't know if she's happy about that.  (I think not, really.) In any case, for the past five years, my life has revolved around academia.  Eventually, I found a series of jobs, both at Wegmans and, for the past three years, here at the LGBT Center (I mention that a bit HERE.)

Since returning, I've taken a LOT of pictures (2,444 as of this second).  It's easy when one has access to a camera on the phone at all times.  I didn't have many photos from my undergrad days, and the ones I had were done with borrowed cameras.  Most of those were for the fraternity scrapbook, which, like the negatives, are lost.  I guess I'm making up for that a bit.  

One of the subjects I photograph often are the pathways here.  They honeycomb the campus like a spiderweb on LSD.  I can't stop thinking about the metaphor they represent.  The paths branch, going to different destinations, or just different paths to the same destination.  When I was in undergrad, I occasionally would take a longer route than necessary to reach my destination (when I wasn't running late.)  I didn't think twice about it, but in truth, each of these choices, conscious or unconscious, changed my life.  Had I taken a different way, say back to the fraternity house, who knows who I would've met?  What could've happened.  Perhaps I would've been hit by a car, or met the love of my life.    

And that's the metaphor of the Paths.  They represent the different paths a life could take- especially when one is younger, say, college age.  Who would I have become had I stayed at Drexel?  What if I got that job at National Records and never had to apply to Burger King, where I would meet the people who defined my Penn State experience for good and ill.  What if I decided "fuck those guys" when I received the cold reception at the fraternity and found a different group of people to hang with?  Who would I be today?

Would I even be alive?

It's a cliche to say that our choices, even the smallest ones, can change and define our lives.  Now in my late  fifties, so much of my life is set in stone.  I can't change my past.  I can't change who I am, or what I've done.  I have a daughter, and that's forever.  while some of the people I've met pass like shadows, others left deep marks and scars on my soul.  (What I hadn't gone to the Raven that night in January 2012, and met Lisa?)  

Nothing is permanent in life.  While I will always have a daughter, the nature of my relationship with her can/will change.  Life itself is temporary- a heartbeat in time.  Moments pass.

Which brings me back to that whole stalled thing.  I've been stuck in the same place in my path for two years.  Some of it has been deep depression.  Some of it has been fear- the fear of Failure, and yes, of the remote possibility of success.  But recently I think I figured out what my major malfunction is: I don't want it to end.  I don't want to leave PSU again.  Leaving in December '88 (and graduating in May '89), threw me into a very dark place.  I would've given ANYTHING to come back and be a student again- to return to that time.  

I was obsessed with it.  Hell, I even wrote a book about that time, trying to figure out what about that time could've caused such a depression when, really, most of the time I really didn't have a pleasant experience.  My brothers were cold to me, my girlfriend cheated, my grades were meh... Why did I want to go back?

But I am back.  I am such a different person now, and much older, which makes me outside the 'target audience.' But there's another big anchor... 

Here I'm employed.  I have a job.  I spent so long after the bookstore fired me on the unemployment line, sending hundreds of resumes and hearing nothing.  Rejection after rejection.  Here I have a job.  Yes, it's part time, but on some days I feel like I actually make a difference- my path intersects another person's.  That I'm actually worth something, if only for a moment.  

My path returned me here.  I fought to get my place, and I've managed to continue while others from my cohort... didn't.  I'm striving to reach the peak of the academic ladder.  I never in my wildest dreams expected my path to lead here.  Then again, I never expected my path to take me to transition.  I thought/hoped/prayed that my path would end before my thirtieth birthday.  And again on my fiftieth.

September 1986.  Pic by Chuck Fong

My road brought me here.  And, as before, I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of success.  I'm afraid of unemployment again.  So much for "rush[ing] in where angels fear to tread" (Alexander Pope, 1709.)  So I stare at the ceiling.  I walk around campus, following old paths I trod long ago.  Again.

Tolkien wrote in Fellowship of the Rings: “It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”  

So true.

Be well.