Reply to "Jason"

 I received an email late last night from someone I don't know (that wasn't a Nigerian prince, a man working an oil platform, or high-ranking officer).  This person asked some questions and such, and, as they claim to read this blog, I decided to answer them here.  I will first post their email verbatim, then answer idea by idea.  Their words appear in italics. 

And I’M CITING SOURCES.  So strap yourselves in folks, this is a long one! (Shorter if you skip the citations, but they're kinda the point.)

 

Me after speaking at Penn State TDOR'25

*******************************************

Jason Borregas (I don’t know anyone by this name.  Or is it a bot?  I’m guessing a person’s pseudonym.  After all, my name isn’t legally Sophie Lynne.  It’s Hortense.)

 From:  jblxxxx@yahoo.com

“I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste. I can’t fathom that you could be born for this. When was the last time you had a financial cushion? When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment? Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State? I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed? The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year. I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are. Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

 

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does. All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.”

****************************************************************

Ok, so now my reply. 

I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. 

>>>Thank you!

I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste.  

>>>Being transgender is not a ‘lifestyle.’  It’s a biological fact.  See citation list at the end of this piece.  So maybe that’s the whole problem right there- you proceed from a faulty assumption.  I addressed this in MANY entries, but especially in Codex Sophie.  (Linked here.)  I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.

When was the last time you had a financial cushion? 

>>>For someone who’s read my blog for years, wow- you really don’t know about me.  The answer is NEVER.  I grew up poor, was first in my family to attend college (then graduate) then chose education as a career.  Yeah, I know.  Big mistake.  What was I thinking?  Trying to create a better world for all?  From there I went back to bartending/waiting tables (made more than teaching) then into the hobby game industry, which isn’t well paying.  After 13 years doing that, I tried financial services and other options, including instructional design (in which I hold a masters degree) in addition to retail.  Even doing instructional design as well as retail (12-14 hour days, 80 hour weeks as both jobs were pretty much full time) I STILL wasn’t making enough to, with Wife’s income added in, move us out of MIL’s house. 

Then of course, I was tossed out in 2013, and shit’s been downhill since.

When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment?

>>>Satisfying doesn’t equal well paying.  I enjoyed working in books.  I enjoyed working in the game industry.  The most I EVER made was in my last year at Games Workshop: $40K/year in 2003.  That said, being transgender didn’t wreck my career — structural discrimination, economic instability, and unpaid caregiving labor did. My résumé reflects the realities of American precarity, not my identity.

Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State?

>>>Games Workshop is not a “game store.”  From the GW website:

Games Workshop is the largest and the most successful hobby miniatures company in the world. Our major brands are Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000. In addition, we hold a licence for The Lord of the Rings/the Hobbit tabletop battle game. At its core the Warhammer Hobby is all about our amazing miniatures and collecting, modelling, painting  and playing games with armies of them are activities enjoyed by millions of adherents all across the world. (Games Workshop, 2025). 

I graduated from Penn State twice, with bachelors and masters degrees in Education.  Hopefully I’ll add PhD to that in 2026.  So, no.  But few people work in the field that they ‘graduated’ in. 

I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk…

>>>  No, my self-talk is FAR nastier.  Usually includes the words “useless”, “worthless”, and “stupid.” 

….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed?  The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year.

>>>  Depression comes from many sources.  Let’s look at ten.  Ones in bold are ones that apply here. 

Altered serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine systems play a major role.  Chronic depression is partly inherited. (Cui, X. et al. 2022).

Early Life Trauma.  Strong associations with childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.  (Nelson, J. et al., 2023).

Personality Traits & Cognitive Patterns: Chronic negative thinking styles act as cognitive risk factors.  (Beck, A. et al., 2021).

Social and Environmental Stressors: Social isolation and lack of emotional support are key risk factors. (Monroe, S. M. et al., 2020).

Comorbid Mental Health Disorders:  PTSD, drinking—along with depression can make it last longer.  (Garakani, A. et al., 2022).

Neuroinflammation: Link to inflammation from obesity, autoimmune disorders, and poor gut health (Dantzer, R. et al., 2021).

Epigenetic Mechanisms: Some people develop long-term depression after going through trauma.  (Meaney, M. J. et al., 2020).

Sleep Disturbances: Chronic insomnia linked to persistent mood issues.  (Baglioni, C. et al., 2019).

Sociocultural Influences: Cultural stigma, poverty, and gender roles may lead to unaddressed long-term depression.  (Kirmayer, L. J. et al.,2021).

Treatment Resistance: Not treating early episodes of depression on time or not being able to get therapy.  (Rush, A. J. et al., 2020).

Wow.  Let’s take a break to breathe. 

 

Ok.  Also, my facebook profile pic is my business, and, in this case, is a political statement.

I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are.

>>>  Thank you.

Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

>>>  Really?  Let’s take a poll, shall we?  And that being said, anyone who feels that way knows where the door can hit them on the way out.  As for feeling sorry, I can’t control how other people feel.  That took me decades to figure out.  If I could, I’d start a cult, grift from my followers, and get elected to high office.  Oh wait- that’s already been done. 

And again- I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.  The life I want is not an option.  Probably never was.  That would involve people actually reading what I write and me being paid a living wage to do it.  Neither of which is gonna happen.

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

>>>  *cracks knuckles*  Right.  Fantasy?  Being transgender isn’t a fantasy.  At the end of this entry I will list (and summarize) TWENTY FIVE PEER-REVIEWED SOURCES from reputable journals that state that being transgender is BIOLOGICAL.  Not a lifestyle.  Not a fantasy.  Seriously- why would ANYONE want to be transgender?  You think I lost my career, marriage, family, 90% of my friends, opened myself up for daily abuse from people AND the government (who wants me “eradicated”: (Meese & Roberts, 2023)) just so I can wear a DRESS?  Wow… just wow.  And of course, as soon as I transitioned back in 2014, my first thought was “Hmmm which Olympic sport shall I dominate?”

Also, give up?  There is no “giving [this] up.”  See: biological, above. 

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

>>>”Bullshit.” “Lie.”  Again, see the scientific sources I cite.  Can you bring anything to refute them?  What?  Tucker Carlson?  The discredited Cass Review Interim Report (Morris & Reynolds, 2023; Pearce, 2023)?  Eighth grade biology class? 

As for being miserable- I was miserable living a lie all my life.  I may not be happy now, but I’m at peace.  I’ll take it.  What makes me miserable is that people believe all the bullshit and lies being spouted by people who have nothing but hate to peddle and who don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. 

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does.

>>> Yes.  She’s my daughter.

 All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

>>> “Drinking buddies in dresses.”  Yeah, hard to argue that in many cases.  But Renaissance is dry.  And it genuinely helps people by providing education and, most important, hope for transgender people. 

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.

“Deserve’s got nothing to do with it” (to quote an Eastwood movie.)  I agree.  Life is far harder when you’re poor — materially, medically, socially — regardless of identity

I genuinely wonder why you “read [my] blog for years” if you believe that being transgender is bullshit?  Do you like my tits THAT much?    Seriously.  Why?  I can’t believe that my words are THAT compelling.  I mean, if they were, wouldn’t I have a publishing contract?  A job that pays a living wage? 

Random Penn State picture is random

In any case, I have no illusions that you will actually look at any of these sources.  Or consider the arguments.  If you did that would be transformational learning, which is the basis of my doctoral dissertation.  Y’know, about anti-transgender hate.  And possible educational solutions. 

Like this.

 

Be well.

Sources

Baglioni, C., Battagliese, G., Feige, B., Spiegelhalder, K., Nissen, C., Voderholzer, U., ... & Riemann, D. (2019). Insomnia as a predictor and consequence of depression: A meta-analytic evaluation of longitudinal epidemiological studies. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 43, 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2018.10.005

Beck, A. T., Dozois, D. J. A., & Clark, D. A. (2021). Cognitive vulnerability and the persistence of depression. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 45(4), 612–627. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-021-10208-7

Cui, X., Zhang, Y., Li, W., & Chen, H. (2022). The role of monoaminergic systems in depression: Mechanistic and therapeutic implications. Journal of Affective Disorders, 308, 148–157. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2022.04.003

Dantzer, R., Cohen, S., Russo, S. J., & Dinan, T. G. (2021). Inflammation and chronic depression: Mechanisms and implications. Nature Reviews Immunology, 21(5), 319–332. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41577-021-00532-3

Garakani, A., Martinez, J. M., & Ginsberg, D. L. (2022). The comorbidity of anxiety disorders and chronic depression. Psychiatry Research, 313, 114579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114579

Kirmayer, L. J., Narasiah, L., & Munoz, M. (2021). Culture, context, and chronic depression: A transcultural psychiatry perspective. Transcultural Psychiatry, 58(3), 234–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634615211013214

Meaney, M. J., Szyf, M., & McEwen, B. S. (2020). Epigenetic mechanisms of stress and depression. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 283–305. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095514

Meese, E. H. III, & Roberts, P. (Eds.). (2023). Mandate for leadership: The conservative promise – Project 2025. The Heritage Foundation. https://www.project2025.org

Monroe, S. M., Slavich, G. M., & Gotlib, I. H. (2020). Life stress and chronic depression: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 78, 101854. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101854

Morris, S. E., & Reynolds, R. (2023). Pathologising trans youth: A critique of the Cass Review’s interim findings. BMJ Global Health, 8(9), e012345. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjgh-2023-012345

Nelson, J. G., Heller, S. S., & Chung, W. (2023). Childhood trauma and its long-term impact on chronic depression. JAMA Psychiatry, 80(5), 411–420. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2023.0480

Pearce, R. (2023). The Cass Review and the trans moral panic: A sociological perspective. The Sociological Review, 71(5), 987–1002. https://doi.org/10.1177/00380261231123456

Rush, A. J., Trivedi, M. H., & Wisniewski, S. R. (2020). Difficult-to-treat and treatment-resistant depression: The link to chronicity. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(7), 630–646. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2020.19090943

Web Sources:

Games Workshop Group PLC. (2025). Our history. https://investor.games-workshop.com/our-history

 

PEER REVIEWED SOURCES ABOUT TRANSGENDER BIOLOGICAL BASIS

Biology, Neuroscience, and Genetics of Gender Identity

1. Zhou et al. (1995). Sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality. Nature, 378, 68–70. DOI

Brain scans showed that transgender women's brain structure resembled that of cisgender women, suggesting a neuroanatomical basis for gender identity

2. Rametti et al. (2011). White matter microstructure in transgender men. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 45(7), 949–954.

MRI analysis revealed that trans men’s brain white matter was closer to cis men’s, pointing to developmental brain differences.

3. Hare et al. (2009). Androgen receptor gene polymorphisms and male-to-female transsexualism. Biological Psychiatry, 65(1), 93–96.

Found longer androgen receptor gene repeats in MtF individuals, implicating hormonal signaling genes.

4. Bao & Swaab (2011). Sexual differentiation of the human brain: relation to gender identity. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology. Link

Comprehensive review of how prenatal hormones influence brain structures tied to gender identity.

5. Roselli (2018). Neurobiology of gender identity and sexual orientation. Journal of Neuroendocrinology. PDF

Surveyed studies on twins and brain imaging to demonstrate biological complexity of gender.

6. Savic (2023). The neurobiology of gender identity and gender dysphoria. Principles of Gender-Specific Medicine. Link

Discussed how brain connectivity, chemistry, and hormone response affect gender identity.

7. Kiyar et al. (2020). Neuroscience in transgender people: an update. Neuroforum. Link

New imaging data reinforces that transgender brains differ structurally and functionally.

8. Ristori et al. (2020). Brain sex differences and gender identity. International Journal of Molecular Sciences. Link

Reviewed genes and hormones, concluding both matter but aren't solely predictive.

9. Batista & Oliveira (2024). The genetics and hormonal basis of human gender identity. Archives of Endocrinology and Metabolism. PDF

Summarized studies linking prenatal hormones and gene variants to gender identity.

10. Klink & Den Heijer (2013). Genetic aspects of gender identity development. Springer Book Chapter. PDF

Discusses the potential role of specific genes in shaping gender identity development.

---

🧪 Endocrinology & Hormone Therapy

11. Hembree et al. (2017). Endocrine treatment of gender-dysphoric persons. J Clin Endocrinol Metab, 102(11), 3869–3903.

Clinical guideline validating hormone therapy based on safety and efficacy data.

12. Wiik et al. (2018). Hormonal effects in transgender individuals (GETS study). Contemporary Clinical Trials. Link

Study tracking biological and mental changes during hormone therapy.

13. Foreman, Hare, York (2019). Genetic link between gender dysphoria and hormone signaling. JCEM. PDF

Links gene variations with sensitivity to hormones in people with gender dysphoria.

14. Wolf-Gould & Safer (2025). Biological foundations of gender identity. Torrossa Digital Library.

Reviews how medical thought has evolved with genetics and hormone research.

15. Turban et al. (2020). Gender-affirming hormones and mental health outcomes. PLOS ONE, 15(1). Link

Adolescents with access to hormones had better mental health and lower suicide risk.

🧬 Psychological and Developmental Aspects

16. Olson et al. (2016). Mental health of transgender children supported in their identities. Pediatrics, 137(3). DOI

Affirmed trans children had similar anxiety/depression levels as cisgender peers.

17. Erickson-Schroth (2013). Update on the biology of transgender identity. J Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Emphasizes interplay between hormones, brain development, and environment.

18. Kreukels, Steensma, De Vries (2014). Gender dysphoria and DSD. Springer Book. PDF

Explores overlaps and clinical challenges in treating gender and intersex diagnoses.

19. Boucher & Chinnah (2020). Gender dysphoria and brain development. Adolescent Health, Medicine & Therapeutics. Link

Links genetic and hormonal influences on brain structure to identity development.

20. Sari et al. (2024). Neurobiology of sexual identity development. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar. PDF

Highlights how stress, epigenetics, and neurobiology shape sexual identity.

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📚 Reviews & Ethical Debates

21. Defant (2025). Reevaluating gender-affirming care. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. PDF

A critical view of medical transition practices, especially detransitioning cases.

22. Levin et al. (2023). Biological studies of transgender identity: A critical review. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Argues evidence is not yet robust for some biological claims, urges caution.

23. Dutton & Madison (2021). Physiological and psychological masculinization theory. Sexuality Research & Social Policy. PDF

Suggests mismatched hormonal/psychological masculinization contributes to dysphoria.

24. Savic et al. (2022). Sexual differentiation of the human brain and identity. Neuroscience in the 21st Century. [Springer]

Details how various brain regions develop differently by gender and orientation.

25. Fernández et al. (2025). Biological evidence in gender identity. Anales de Pediatría. Link

Integrates genetics, brain scans, and hormone studies into a coherent model.

 

What?  Are you expecting an after credits scene? 

Book chapter: Thresholds

 

Interlude 6: Thresholds

Saturday, January 17, 2009  ’92 Ponzi Case Missed Signals About Madoff

In January 2009, I had my second makeover and photo shoot.

This one was with True Colors in Bethlehem, PA, under the hands of the legendary Amanda Richards. She did makeovers, photography, etc.  I went for the deluxe makeup and photo session, as I wanted new pics. She also said she’d teach me a little about makeup.

I arrived on time for a change, really nervous, but Amanda was very friendly. We discussed ideas and looks as she prepped me (corset, shoes) and then went straight to work. She described what she was doing as she worked, so I learned a bit.  She had satellite radio, so we talked a lot about music, which we are both passionate about.

Then we chose an outfit and a wig, and then she had me stand in front of a mirror to “get into Sophie,” telling me to repeat “I am Sophie” as she set up the cameras.  The first outfit was a miniskirt and two different tops.  I’d never worn a mini, but I always loved how they looked.  

2009

We did different wigs, and then changed to a minidress.  I posted the pictures on my new Flickr page and myspace (where my blog also lived at the time.)

My time with Amanda ran out, so I changed for Renaissance and Angela’s Laptop Lounge.  During that time, Amanda’s next appointment arrived.  We chatted as she looked through Amanda’s show collection.  Her name was Vannessa (she would later change that to Andie) and she became one of my dearest friends.  Anyway, I loved the brunette wig, so I bought it, and Amanda touched up my makeup for the 90-minute drive to the meeting.  It was so thrilling to drive down en femme- I was wearing a new dress, my bird-seed boobs, and pantyhose.

I liked it so much, I took makeup lessons the next weekend.  I needed them — I knew absolutely nothing.  Unlike girls who were socialized female and had sleepovers or whatever to learn makeup from each other, I was starting from scratch.

 

Amanda Richards

Friday, March 13, 2009  Pope Sees Internet As Resource

In any case, a few months later, I went to Harrisburg for the First Annual Keystone Conference.  I can’t believe I actually signed up for it.  I was scared as hell: I mean, the cream of Pennsylvania’s T-girls would be there, and then there would be “amateur night” Sophie.  Still, it was nothing that blasting the Grateful Dead while driving down the turnpike at warp 7 couldn’t cure.

I arrived and checked in at the Sheraton Harrisburg/Hershey quickly enough, unloaded everything, and figured I’d take a look around in drab (in guy mode.) I found that the registration desk was already open and three stunning girls were there.  One was from “Bahston”—that’s Boston.  Her name was Cheryl, and she became a dear friend.  And there was me, in drab.  Oh well, I checked in anyway, dropped the packet back in the room, and went to the bar for lunch.

The bartender was uncomfortable about the conference but tried to be professional.  A girl came in and I bought her a drink.  The bartender told me that he really didn’t want all “those freaks” but there was some kind of convention.  The girl and I spoke briefly, then I went back to the room.  It took time to shave everything, as I was as hairy as a Wookie, but eventually I was Sophie.

It took a lot of courage I could muster for me to turn that doorknob and leave the room.  I was so worried—would I get beat up?  What if someone I know was out there, as I wasn’t wearing makeup yet?  Would I be laughed at?

Annnnd, there was the maid, an older woman.  She asked if she could make up my room.  As I had girl stuff everywhere, I said no, while trying to hide my face.  I was ashamed and scared.

I headed for the elevator, AND SHE FOLLOWED ME telling me I had to sign something that said I didn’t want the room done.  Every part of me just wanted to disappear.  I scribbled on the page and asked her to leave me alone.   

Then I went to enjoy a drink in the bar with my new friend.  I think the bartender recognized me before I told him “you should really think twice before insulting guests.”  (I didn’t see him again until the fourth Keystone.)  Other girls joined us, and I began to feel the lump in my throat disappearing and my heart starting to beat at a regular pace.  It didn’t matter how I looked: They accepted me.

One Amanda Richards makeover later, and we all went downtown.  I was looking GOOD.  Dinner, dancing, drinks.  Drinks.  And so on.  A guy even bought me one!  Another bar.  Drinks.  Pool!  I love pool!  Why won’t the balls stop moving?  Didn’t matter—I shot well enough.  For me it was another drunken game of pool, but I was wearing a dress. Don't get me wrong, I was still reeling with the idea that I was wandering about a city dressed like a woman, but to me it really was just another drunken game of pool.

“Did I leave my glasses back there?”
“No, Sophie, they’re on your face.”

Time to go back to the hotel. I was going to hate life the next day, but I was out with maybe sixty T-girls, and I was one of them—and so happy.

Saturday!  Wake up, Sophie! Shower and DO YOUR OWN MAKEUP!  I’d never done it before that.  My hands shook.  Not from nerves—no, it was a progressive hangover.  I was a wreck, and I knew it.  I thought the makeup went okay, but I was a mess.

So down to a makeup class by Amanda Richards.  Her model was BJ, an amazing girl who I thought was cisgender.  Perfect.  Amanda was doing her thing and the room started to pitch and rock a bit.  I left early and bumped into people I knew in the hallway.

“Hey, we’re going to lunch!”
Ummm… onto the elevator… okay, I can survive.
Sit down to lunch… maybe not.
Sprint to room!

After being sick, I checked my makeup and I was an even worse wreck.  I tried to fix it, but to no avail.  Oh well, back to lunch.  After lunch, I went back to the room and collapsed, missing some great seminars for much needed sleep.

Woke up, re-tied the corset, and dressed for the night.  Damn bra straps kept showing.  Oh well—they’re removable.  This wouldn’t come back to haunt me, would it?

Then another makeover where Amanda made me look incredible.  I looked as hot as Sophie could be (so I thought).  I never felt as confident as I did then.  I was Sophie, and I was a woman.

After forgetting and going back for my meal ticket once, I sashayed into the ballroom and made my entrance. Yeah, look at me, girls!

Dancing, fun, drinking water, and…Um… my boobs started to fall down. Pull the bra back up.

I listened to the incredible dinner speaker Donna Rose as well as Dr. Jeanine Ruhsam, who ran the conference as president of TransCentral PA, along with many others.  Both would become dear friends.  Jeanine talked about how there were around eighty of us there, and how we were bound by our mutual ‘need’ to express ourselves in a feminine way.  I thought about that for a very long time.

Boobs fall to my belly button.  Hey, I’m not that old!  Okay, this has got to get fixed.  Back to the room.  Get some help with the zipper for my red gown.  Put straps back on.  Sophie is back in business!

More dancing. Wine.  Oh, it was so fun!   People began filtering out, so what the hell—I’ll wear my last outfit.  I brought a PVC dress with me.  Time to sizzle!

And sizzle I did!  I must have lost five pounds wearing that!  

A bunch of the girls were going to a nearby lesbian club.  However, I declined and sat in the bar.  I was tired.  I regretted not going. 

Anyway, a glass of wine and off to bed.  I was soaked with sweat.  I peeled off the clothes, but not the wig.  Started packing.  Shoes… wash off my new breast forms…

And then I looked in the mirror at my face and my wig.  It made me so sad.  I would take off the wig, and Sophie would disappear.  If only for a while, I know—but still, it made me very sad.

So, I whispered to my reflection, “Goodbye, Sophie,” and removed my wig and makeup.

The next day was cloudy and misty.  I drove home back to my drab life.  It took me a few days to get over my feeling of missing Sophie.  I would later refer to this as a “Pink hangover” and it got progressively worse after each conference as the years went by.

************************************************************************ 

The Keystone Conference still occurs every year, except for a couple of years it was cancelled due to Covid.  As of this writing, I have never missed one.  Sometimes I only go for a few hours, but I still register and go.  Eventually, it outgrew the Sheraton and moved to the Harrisburg Hilton downtown.  Keystone regularly draws around 750 people each year.  Jeanine helped run it until her untimely death in March 2019.

            Speaking of covid, the pandemic spelled the end of True Colors.  Amanda couldn’t afford the rent with no customers, so she ‘retired.’ 

            So much has changed for all of us.  Several of the friends I met back then have since passed on — some without ever living their truth.  Amanda is still one of my dearest friends.  And me?  Well…

 

Traniversary Ten: a Decade in the Open

Ten years ago today, March 25, 2014, (well really around 11 PM the night before), I declared to the world that I am Sophie.  I began living my Truth.  I was 47 years old.  I'd previously told close friends either face to face or via a YouTube video I made.  

The results?  I lost 90% of my friends (many of whom vowed to support me then vanished); never received another job offer for Instructional design (my masters degree); my marriage (which was really tossed when I was thrown out months before); and, for a time, I was disowned by my family. Happily, that is no longer the case.  After I lost my bookstore job, I couldn't find another job at all, despite sending out ten resumes a day for years.  Literally.  Even Burger King wouldn't hire me, and I had experience working there!

Left Photo credit: Cassandra Storm

In any case that first day, I spent at the Keystone Conference.  There, among the most supportive group of people a transgender woman could find, I took my first steps as a full time female.  The following Monday (March 31) is when my journey really hit reality: my first day at work as Sophie. (I wrote about that HERE.)  That's when I began to experience the misgendering, the Hate, and the worst that rich customers could throw at me, including having a local church crusade against me.  They would come in and stand 20 feet in front of me as I was behind the registers, and just stare at me.  If chased away by me or management, they'd send someone else.  This usually happened on Sundays.

However, I had support.  My friends and coworkers threw me a party on my one year anniversary as Sophie (so that's nine years ago.)  I'd never felt as loved or appreciated before or since.  My transgender friends honored me by showing up and mingling with bookstore friends, as well as people who've known me much longer.  

I must admit that this last decade has been brutal.  I dwell on all I've lost, especially my separation from Wife and Daughter.  The Darkness has almost taken me more than once.  Here at PSU, I've spent weeks when I wasn't in class or work laying down and just staring at the ceiling, wondering why I should continue to live.  It's a question I continue to ask every single morning and when I lay in bed at night.  The answer is obvious.  As Lisa used to say "one bad day..."

Fast forward to now.  I've been back at Penn State for five years studying about why cisgender people hate TG people so much that they pass laws banning us from public, vow to "eradicate" us, call us groomers and pedophiles, drive us to suicide, and murder us.  (RIP Nex.)  My roomie/bestie is here with me.  I've made some friends and acquaintances, but for the most part I've been isolated from the transgender community.  There are no transgender events like there were back home like Angela's Laptop Lounge. That's why going to Keystone was such a joy this past weekend.  

So it's been ten years: a decade.  Yes, I have changed.  I've learned what Hell is like, that Hope Lies, and that things can ALWAYS be worse.  I also learned how much small gestures of kindness can mean the world to a person (like me.)  I have learned a lot about anti-transgender hate, to the point that I am now considered an expert in the field (PhD ABD does that.)  Reading about all this hate really puts things in perspective and does damage to my soul- how could it not?  In any case, I've made it to ten years.

So, how will I mark this occasion?  Well, money is tight, and rent is due soon.  And bills, so many bills.  That means I probably won't go out, or if I do, it will be only for a drink across the street (I live across from a restaurant.)  I'll probably toast the day with some Glenmorangie.  No party this year.  No feast of friends.  Alive she cried. 

Just another day.

Be well.

Keystone Conference 2024 and the Broken Bra

As I write this, it's Sunday, March 24, 2024.  Today, hundreds of people like me are leaving the Hilton Harrisburg and returning to their daily routines.  For up to four days, they reveled in the company of people just like them: transgender people both out and closeted.  Dozens of people attended for the first time.  How many took those brave first steps out the that hotel room and into the elevator to the convention floor?  believe me- that takes a LOT of courage.  it's an admission of who you are inside, and a determination to share that inner self with others, like minded.  One can never find a more supportive place to take those first steps.  I remember my first Keystone and the clusterfuck of my first steps out of the room.  I wrote about that here.  

I attended for Saturday only, less than last year.  Last year was a disaster, as I felt sick, depressed, and isolated.  I left before the gala dinner, and was back at my apartment before the attendees sat down for that.  

And so it was that I woke up at 6 am, showered, shaved, and pulled out the dusty makeup box.  I can't remember the last time I dolled up.  My lipliner pencils were dried up.  My roomie/bestie woke up around 6:45, so I could stop trying to be quiet.  I decided to wear a slightly fancy purple dress so I'd be overdressed for the day and underdressed for the night.  I also brought a darker shade of lipstick with me for evening wear.

After a stop for gas, I hit the rainy, foggy road.  Ninetyish minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot at the Hilton.  I ended up near the top of the garage, as the place was packed.  After taking a quick selfie, I started to walk toward to the elevator.  I heard a metallic *ping*and a sudden... sagging feeling.  Something goes wrong for me at every Keystone, and this time it was early.  I was wearing a front clasp bra from VS that had served me well for a long time.  Well, it decided that this moment was the best time to give up the ghost.  The clasp split in half and was hanging on for dear life.  Wonderful.

Broken

A few minutes later, I was in the lobby, where I saw friends.  We chatted briefly, then I encountered my dear friend Jenny North from the Washington DC area.  She writes wonderful short stories and runs some TG comic websites (as in she chronicles appearances of transgender themes in comics).  As a cosplayer, she always carries safety pins with her.  She gave me two, and, after we found a table for lunch, I went to the restroom to attempt to pin the bra shut.  I failed spectacularly and really stuck my finger with a pin while simultaneously causing the clasp to give up its futile attempt to hold on.  

I went back to the table where we'd been joined by the Legendary Amanda Richards (sans makeup, as a nap went on too long.) Also there was my friend Jamie, who I hadn't seen in years.  She's always a delight.  

In front of the huge banquet room was a picture of my dear friend Jen Jensen (JJ.) During lunch, she was given a very moving eulogy.  I miss her.  Not having her at Keystone left a void.  

After lunch, I went to the dealer's room, hoping beyond hope that one of the vendors sold bras.  There I saw my dear friend and mentor Jone.  We spoke briefly, then I noticed that there was a dealer of *ahem* lacy unmentionables.  She had a bralette, but she had my size, and some support is better than none, so I spent $45 I couldn't spare.  It fit, but the girls were still quite bouncy.  Oh well.  I ended up bringing the dead bra back to the apartment where I could show Linda then give it a proper burial in the trash can.  

Sirena, Amanda, and me at the bar

I lurked around a bit, going upstairs to a Vanity Club open social, where my dear friend Sharon bought me a drink.  After leaving that, I then found a seat at the bar with Amanda Richards, who wanted to watch the Iowa women's basketball game.  Amanda owed me a few drinks from betting on Iowa football against my Nittany Lions.  She bought me two, then my dear friend Sirena appeared and bought me one.  That would be my last alcoholic drink, as I knew I had to drive home 6 hours later.  (Iowa won over Holy Cross 91-65.)  

I lurked around again, meeting people and chatting with friends.  Soon, people began appearing in beautiful gowns for the gala dinner.  And, as expected, I was underdressed.  I found a table with Jenny, Jamie, Amanda, and Jenny again.  Unlike lunch, the table filled quickly.  The dinner speaker was Gabi Tuft, a former professional wrestler who transitioned.  Her talk was compelling, but I had to get going. I hugged my friends goodbye, returned to my car and drove through the long winding night road to State College, arriving back at 11 PM- very tired.

Gabi Tuft speaking

I've written before (somewhere) that I no longer need Keystone like I used to.  That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.  I felt wonderful being surrounded by people like me: transgender, from whom I didn't have to worry about being judged or misgendered.  I loved seeing dear friends and meeting new people.  I feel pretty isolated at PSU.  I have Linda here, and some friends, but no one with the history I have with my friends at Keystone.  I've never missed a Keystone conference (this was the 14th) and I hope to keep that streak alive.  

And tomorrow?  Tomorrow, I mark ten years since coming out.  But that's another story.

 

Be well. 

UPDATE:  A few days later, Covid knocked me on my butt, caught at Keystone.  It wasn't as bad as the first time, as I'd been vaccinated and got the drug to help with it, but still sucked.  

Sophie Selfie: my Keystone Conference look