597 Paper on Transgender Violence

I wrote this paper for one of my classes this semester.  It was worth 40% of my grade in that class.  The class' purpose was to examine the literature, issues, and perspectives of transgender people of color.  It was the hardest class of my graduate career.  The instructor wanted it to be "less formal than academic" and to use the "style of your discipline" (which for me is APA.) 

Old Main, PSU, a few weeks ago

Still, it isn't the easiest read.  It's still an academic paper, after all.  However its topic is Violence against transgender people.  So here it is, warts and all, exactly as I submitted it.

Oh, It got an A-. 


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Seminar paper: Trans of Color Critique

Sophie Kandler

Pennsylvania State University

WMST 597

Introduction

“There is anecdotal evidence to suggest that anti-Trans sentiments are pervasive in Western culture.” (Hill, D. B., & Willoughby, B. L., 2005, p. 531.)  My area of research analyzes cisgender (cis) and transgender relations, specifically why do cis men hate transgender women to the point where the men murder them.   According to research, the perpetrators are always male.  (Jauk, 2013, p.815.)(Stoltzer, 2009, p.176.)  I will approach this from an Adult Education perspective, as I believe that education is the only way that transgender (Trans) people can overcome the waves of hate and violence arrayed against them.  I narrowed the scope of my research to transfeminine people to make the study more manageable.

This paper will examine physical and sexual violence on transgender people. Verbal harassment is so common that many transgender people don’t even consider it as violence. (Dauk, 2013, p. 812.) so for brevity’s sake, I won’t explore it.  (I encounter verbal harassment almost every day when I am in public.)  It will also examine self-violence by transgender people: suicide.  I will then show how one can lead to the other.  I selected these articles from the literature due to what they contained, but read them not just for content, but also examining the content for whiteness and intersectionality.  I want to make sure my work does not use whiteness as a baseline, and that Trans of color are fairly represented.

I write this paper from my perspective as a Caucasian transgender woman of European heritage.  I acknowledge that while I endure the struggles that almost all Trans people face in the United States, my struggles pale in comparison to those who face the intersectionality of racism, transphobia, and necropolitics.  I write this paper as part of my search to understand the total Trans experience, not just what I and those I know encounter.  As this paper is part of my search, I will include some anecdotes and thoughts from my journey. 

Physical Violence

            Trans people are frequently victims of violence, “because of their gender non-conformity.”  (Stotzer, 2009, p. 170.)  Violence takes many forms, but Stotzer (2009) wrote that verbal harassment, physical violence (including murder), and sexual violence are the most common.  (p.171.)   “Numerous studies have demonstrated that transgender people experience high levels of violence from strangers and known others alike, and that they often face a lifetime of repeated victimization.”  (Stotzer, 2009, p.171.)  None of this is news to Trans people, as we live it.  We always check our surrounding to make sure we are safe, and, among the group of Trans people I know, especially in Philadelphia, we never go anywhere alone at night. 

I searched for sources of statistics of transgender violence.  I found many different sources, and while their actual numbers may vary, they all agree that Trans people experience higher rates of violence than cis people. (Dinno, 2017, p. 1441.) I read many papers on the topic, yet only one separated reports by race.  All others lumped all Trans people together for statistical purposes.  That one report, Dinno (2017.), found that:

“Transfeminine residents aged 15 to 34 years who were Black or Latina were almost certainly more likely to be murdered than were their cisfeminine comparators. Indeed, as Table 1 shows, a large majority of transgender homicide risk is borne by young Black and Latina transfeminine individuals. Because the rate of cismasculine murders among Black and Latino US residents aged 15 to 34 years is so high, the possibility that transfeminine Black or Latina residents aged 15 to 34 years have even higher rates of being murdered is alarming." (p. 1446.)

Table 1 (Dinno, 2017, p. 1442.)

Stotzer (2009) mentioned Trans of color in his statistics of the typical Trans murder victim. 

“They found that most [murder] victims were people of color (91%), most victims were poor and lived in major cities, most were biologically male but had some variant of a feminine presentation (92%), few murders received media coverage, all the assailants were male and used extreme levels of violence, and most of the murders were not investigated as hate crimes (71%), and most assailants go free. Only 46% had been solved, compared to 69% of other murders (Wilchins & Taylor, 2006).” (p.176.)

That’s a lot to unpack.  I tried to find the report she cited, but was unsuccessful.  The statistics note that 91% people of color and that only 46% of the murders are solved.  Is there a correlation between race and cases not being solved?  I searched, and found an article about Chester, PA. Maxon, J., Wright, K., & Rios, E. (2015) wrote “while Chester has one of the nation’s highest homicide rates, it has a far lower than average “clearance rate.” Not even one-third of last year’s 30 homicides have been solved, a rate less than half the national average.” (p.1.)  The rate that murder victims of color have their killers caught is below the national average according to several studies. (Taylor, T. J., Holleran, D., & Topalli, V.,2009, p. 561.)( Riedel, M., 2008, p. 1145.)( Petersen, N., 2017, p. 372.) 

The intersectionality of race and transgender means that those who murder transgender people have a good chance of never being arrested for the crime.  As necropolitics asserts, their deaths serve as statistics and nothing more.  However, many crimes are never reported as being crimes against transgender people.  Stotzer (2009) wrote transgender people are rarely mentioned as victims because there is no place to list gender identity on a standard police form. (p. 176.) 

I have the police report concerning the suicide of one of my dearest friends, who, while transfeminine, died in male clothing.  The police report has no space for gender identity, even if her gender identity was known to the police on the scene. (Price, J., 2013, p.1.)  Her autopsy report also didn’t mention that she was transgender, despite the toxicology report noting estrogen in the bloodstream.  Also the autopsy also noted that her toenails were painted pink and that she had “previously augmented breasts.” (State of Maryland, 2013, p.1.) (This was in error and was later amended, as they were a natural result of the estrogen, not surgery.)  Her life ended tragically, and the authorities didn’t have the capability of noting her transgender status, even after her widow informed them.  

In addition to the issues with police reporting being unwilling to officially recognize transgender crime victims, one of the problems of studying transgender violence is that it often goes unreported.  At the many transgender conferences I’ve attended, one of the topics often discussed informally is the need to “police ourselves” because of the perception that calling the police will lead to further discrimination.  Many of my friends reported that the police discriminated against them in several ways.  The research confirms this problem.  Stotzer (2017) wrote that 7.7% of Trans people surveys were unjustly arrested, 37% of the perpetrators of verbal abuse were police, 14% of physical assaults were by law enforcement personnel, (p. 176.) and that 4.9% of sexual assaults were by police. (p. 173.)  I couldn’t find statistics that separated those reports by race. 

Trans people in the US experience discrimination from the police, but nothing compared to Latin American countries, where 80% of Trans women experienced gender-based violence.  (Lanham, M., Ridgeway, K., Dayton, R., Castillo, B. M., Brennan, C., Davis, D. A.,& Cooke, J., 2019, p. 37.)  I wondered if that number correlated with the experiences of Trans of Color here in the US, but I found no research either way.

With issues like those it’s not surprising that Trans people don’t trust the police.  Most Trans people know we have to protect ourselves for that reason.  Getting a dog and buying a gun are the two most common strategies. (Jauk, 2013, p.818.)  Not everyone can afford those though.  I carry pepper spray and an assortment of knives when I’m out in public (but not on campus.)  A self-defense course for women recommended that I make sure my bag has heavy items in it so that it may also be swung as a weapon, and I have done that.  I also have martial arts training.  Due to hyper masculinization prior to transition, many transfeminine people have military experience as well.  In my circles, I don’t know any transwomen who aren’t armed in some way while out in public.  Despite all of that, am I still afraid?  Sometimes.  56% of transgender people report feeling in public, and 43% reported that they felt uncomfortable in public as well.  (Stotzer, 2017, p.174.)  Again, I found no statistical breakout by race for those numbers.

More academics began studying the violence endured by Trans people after the turn of the 21^st century.  Hill and Willoughby developed a Genderism and Transphobia Scale (GTS). (Hill & Willoughby, 2005, p. 540.)  They say that three key constructs can be used to conceptualize hate against trans persons: transphobia, genderism, and gender-bashing.” (p. 533.)  Hill and Willoughby (2005) provide the following definition of these terms. 

“Transphobia is an emotional disgust toward individuals who do not conform to society’s gender expectations…. Genderism is an ideology that reinforces the negative evaluation of gender non-conformity or an incongruence between sex and gender… Finally, gender-bashing refers to the assault and/or harassment of persons who do not conform to gender norms (Wilchins,1997). Thus, genderism is the broad negative cultural ideology, transphobia is the emotional disgust and fear, and gender-bashing is the fear manifest in acts of violence (Hill, 2002).” (pp. 533-4.)

Their terms make sense, and the GTS is quite thorough: it has 32 different indicators.  Nagoshi, J. L., Adams, K. A., Terrell, H. K., Hill, E. D., Brzuzy, S., & Nagoshi, C. T. (2008) developed a different scale with only nine. (p.521.)

The Nagoshim et al.(2008) scale was developed on a college campus, and they made interesting assertions.  They said that even college environments aren’t free from LGBT hate (Nagoshim et al., 2008, p.522.)  Their scale concentrated on the nine issues that Kate Bornstein considered important, citing her 2004 book Gender Outlaw as well as her 2008 work My Gender Workbook.  Another important set of findings were that lower education, right wing beliefs, and religious fundamentalism tended to discriminate more against LGB in general and Trans in particular.  (Nagoshim et al., 2008, p.524.)  Another important note: in developing their scale, Nagoshim et al. had a very low incidence of non-white respondents. 

All of these methods and charts help predict violence against transgender people, but don’t address one of the most important factors: socioeconomic status.  Jauk (2013) quoted Mara Keisling (NCTE) when she wrote “Low social class exacerbates the problem of trans violence because transgender individuals with more resources can choose to live in safer neighborhoods and can afford facial surgeries for enhanced visual conformity.” (p. 818.)  As with many things in life, those who have the money have an easier way through life.  For transfeminine people, facial surgery can be the difference between being targeted for violence or not. 

Sexual Violence

Trans people also suffer a high rate of sexual violence.  Stotzer (2009) notes that sexual violence is the most documented form of violence against Trans people.  She also wrote that “perpetrators are motivated by hatred or negative attitudes toward transgender people.” (p.172.)  Jauk (2013) states that 64% of Trans people report being sexually assaulted.  I am one of them, as is my roommate.  Neither of us reported these assaults to the police, for the reason listed in the discussion about law enforcement above. 

Jauk (2013) also wrote that “Transgender women face disadvantage because they choose to be feminine in a world in which women and men devalue femininity.” (p. 816.)  Julia Serano (2012) coined the term Trans-misogyny, writing “Trans-misogyny is steeped in the assumption that femaleness and femininity are inferior to, and exist primarily for the benefit of, maleness and masculinity.” (p.1.)  Of note, Serano’s book Whipping Girl, from which the cited essay was developed, has been criticized for its whiteness.  With men feeling negatively about cis women and feeling hatred toward Trans women, that high rate of sexual assault isn’t surprising. 

In my case, people assume that since I’m trans, I’m there for their amusement.  The first time I was sexually assaulted was 2009 in a Philadelphia gay bar.  I was talking to two self-identified gay men about Star Trek when one of them suddenly grabbed my breasts with both hands.  As this occurred before I started HRT, I was wearing breast forms, so I felt nothing.  I was stunned and didn’t react immediately.  Fortunately, the bouncer saw what happened and violently ejected both men.  Through the years, I’ve had several incidences of men grabbing my breasts to “see if they’re real.”  This must from their belief that they can do whatever they please because I’m Trans, and that makes me less than human. 

I understand where they learn this.  I grew up in the 1960s and 70s.  In my very small town, all the boys were taught that they were superior to women in every way, and that women were “only good for two things, and one is raising kids.”  Since I started doing Transgender focused talks at colleges and businesses in 2014, I’ve mentioned this, and asked if that’s still how boys are raised.  Unfortunately, I’ve heard many times that this is still the case.  I know that for myself and many trans women I’ve spoken with, this led to internalized transphobia, which made “coming out” to ourselves even harder.  The intersectionality of seeing women as less than human as well as thinking transgender people are not human makes a powerful combination for hate.  I found no research adding the intersectionality of race to this except for a piece covered in class: Eli´as Cosenza Krell’s Is Transmisogyny Killing Trans Women of Color? Black Trans Feminisms and the Exigencies of White Femininity (2017.). 

Self-violence

What effect do the high levels of violence have on Trans people?  According to research, it leads to self-harm.  I found many studies making that connection.  I’ve had my own issues with suicidal ideation, including attempts.  For that reason, I approached this section with some apprehension.

Testa, R. J., Michaels, M. S., Bliss, W., Rogers, M. L., Balsam, K. F., & Joiner, T. (2017) wrote that:

“Research on suicidality among transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) people has revealed alarmingly high rates of suicidal ideation (SI) and suicide attempts, with 45%–77% of study respondents reporting a history of SI… and 28%–52% reporting a history of one or more suicide attempts… strikingly higher than the estimated lifetime prevalence of SI and suicide attempts in the general population of 13.5% and 4.6%, respectively” (p. 125.)

Testa studied the subject for many years with different combinations of researchers, and published several papers on the subject.  (Testa, R. J., Sciacca, L. M., Wang, F., Hendricks, M. L., Goldblum, P., Bradford, J., & Bongar, B., 2012, p. 452.) One of the theories he discusses in depth is Joiner’s IPTS model.    The IPTS model has three parts: “thwarted belongingness… perceived burdensomeness… and the acquired capability for self-harm.”  (Testa, et al., 2017, p. 127.)  I encountered this model in a Newsweek magazine article back in 2013 while researching a piece I was writing.  Thwarted belongingness is a feeling of being alone.  Perceived burdensomeness is a combination of self-hatred and feeling like a burden on others.  These two are linked.  The third factor is a lack of fear toward dying.  That third factor is the ‘wild card’ in that it is the difference between SI and a suicide attempt.  (Testa, et al., 2017, p. 127.) 

Using my pen name, I wrote about Joiner’s theory in a piece about the dear friend’s suicide I mentioned earlier.  I’m convinced that Joiner is correct.

“I previously mentioned Joiner's theory on Suicide.  And it fit Lisa to a T.  I have had those three things a few times in my life.  And survived.  Right now, I strongly feel two of them. But there is one that is NOT there. I Know I am not alone. That knowledge keeps me from calling out to my Sister "Hey Lisa! Wait up!  Let's explore the Light together!" and following her away.” (Lynne, 2013, n.p.)

Testa and colleagues developed a Trans-centric model which they called the Gender Minority Stress and Resilience (GMSR) model, which is adaptation of Meyer’s Minority Stress Model. (Testa, R. J., Habarth, J., Peta, J., Balsam, K., & Bockting, W., 2015, p.65.)

(Testa, et al., 2015, p. 67.) 

Distal stress factors are external to the person, while Proximal stress factors are internal.  The distal factors lead to the proximal factors, which can lead to SI.  However, there are the resilience factors: Community and Pride.  In the model, these can counteract the negative stress factors.  Being connected to the Trans community and having pride in their identity are crucial to surviving the negative experiences that affect Trans people daily. (Testa, et al., 2015, pp. 66-7.) 

The Community aspect of the model relates back to Meyer’s model.  This is significant.

“Meyer pointed out that not all of the effects of minority stress are negative. Members of minority groups typically develop coping and resilience in response to prejudice and other insults. In particular, by coalescing around a minority identity, minority members avail themselves of “important resources such as group solidarity and cohesiveness that protect minority members from the adverse mental health effects of minority stress” (p. 677). One way that minority members accomplish this is by creating a within-group identity against which they may then compare themselves, rather than using those whose prejudice they face as their comparison group. In this process, minority members begin to “evaluate themselves in comparison with others who are like them rather than with members of the dominant culture” (p. 677). This reappraisal allows members access to validation that might not otherwise be available to them. As a group, minority members create a positive view of themselves that effectively counteracts stigma.” (Hendricks, M. L., & Testa, R. J., 2012, p. 462.)

This applies to all minority groups, including Trans and Trans of color.  I know in my case, the Trans community is who kept me alive when I was at the greatest risk of suicide.  I began not caring about what society at large thought; I just wanted to be a positive force in my community.  I stopped comparing my appearance to cisgender women, as I could never compete with them.  Applying my experience as transgender, I hope that the Trans of color community, who face worse violence than me, find strength within their shared community. 

Testa and colleagues mentioned the racial composition of their study group in each piece, and in each piece, they are overwhelmingly white.  I wonder if they used more Trans of Color if the results would be different.  While the model seems universal, the higher prevalence of violence against Trans of Color may change some of the variables they used. 

Testa et al (2017) then compared the GMSR and IPTS models to possibly integrate those factors to explain SI in Trans people.  (Testa, et al., 2017, p. 125.)  For this, their study had 816 respondents, 86% of whom were white.  They made an effort toward representation.  “In addition, specific e-mails and postings were distributed recruiting “Trans People of Color” on applicable listervs, social media sites, and through professional networks of study collaborators.” (Testa, et al., 2017, p. 128.)   

(Testa, et al., 2017, p. 129.)

When integrated, the model looked quite different.  The major absence I noticed was the lack of positive mitigating factors from the GMSR model.  I assume that these are accounted for by the IPTS model’s third factor: lack of fear toward dying, which while also not represented on the integrated model, is the mitigating factor in that model.

(Testa, et al., 2017, p. 129.)

However, their research also found “Although no significant differences were found in current SI based on race or living environment, SI did vary based on age, socioeconomic status, and gender identity.” (Testa, et al., 2017, p. 133.)

Conclusion

            In researching Trans related violence; I hoped that whiteness wouldn’t be as prevalent as it was.  The research showed that Transpeople of Color experienced far higher incidences of violence than white Trans people, yet all the research used white as the baseline.  Burnes, T. R., Dexter, M. M., Richmond, K., Singh, A. A., & Cherrington, A. (2016) listed multiple possible stress factors.

“For individuals who engage in both social and medical transition at various points throughout the life span, there may be multiple, intersecting traumatic experiences that can serve as stressors. Such stressors include childhood sexual and physical abuse …familial neglect and social rejection… discrimination in health care, educational, and employment settings…barriers in legal policies…housing discrimination…and high rates of hate crimes…” (p.75.)

They mention all of those intersecting factors, but neglect racism, the intersectionality of which is a major factor in the lives of Trans of color.  This reinforces the concept of necropolitics, which before this class I’d never encountered.

The extraction of value from Trans of color lives through biopolitical and necropolitics technologies not only serves the sovereign, but also indexes much more subtle and complex shifts in power.  Trans rights activists' participation in and complicity with this process is what compels us to make this intervention. (Riley, S. C., Jin, H., Aren, A., & Susan, S., 2013, p. 71.)

            The researchers I cited in this paper have the best of intentions.  They’re documenting violence in Trans lives, and applying that data to search for solutions to the problems Trans people face.  However, by using whiteness as their standard community, they ignore the people who suffer a far greater proportion of the violence: Trans of color.  Ignoring Trans of Color reinforces that they are more valuable as statistics to bolster agendas, as well as to generate outrage which only helps the white Trans community.

            Reflecting on this class in general, and the research I completed for the papers assigned, I’ve had to re-evaluate my own thoughts and prejudices.  I examined my white privilege more deeply than I ever have.  

I knew that Trans of Color were disproportionately murdered, and I’d read that was probably because more Trans of Color had to resort to sex work to survive due to the intersectionality of transphobia, misogyny, and racism.  Sex work put them in harm’s way, thus contributing to the higher murder rate.  It was a vicious cycle, which I would combat by trying to break the transphobia portion by activism and education.  Yay me. Yes, in my ignorance, I was buying into the whole “white savior” trope, even if I didn’t realize it.

That’s the difference: now I realize it.  I see the whiteness in the research, and understand the necropolitics involved in the lives and deaths of Transpeople in general, and Trans of color in particular.  However, seeing whiteness and understanding necropolitics isn’t enough.  I will be conducting my own research, and using what’s left of my life to work toward Trans rights.  I must apply the knowledge I’ve gained of these concepts to ensure that my research truly represents all Trans people, and that I remember that all these numbers and statistics represent the lives of people like me, some of whom have a much worse situation than mine. 

One person will not end transphobia, racism, or hate in general.  It’s a process.  Just as those Trans people who came before me made my journey possible, so my work should make the journeys of those Trans people after me easier.  Only by keeping in mind what I’ve learned can I ensure my life and work have an effect on more than people like me. 

It’s a dream I have. 

Bibliography

Burnes, T. R., Dexter, M. M., Richmond, K., Singh, A. A., & Cherrington, A. (2016). The experiences of transgender survivors of trauma who undergo social and medical transition. Traumatology, 22(1), 75.

Dinno, A. (2017). Homicide rates of transgender individuals in the United States: 2010–2014. American journal of public health, 107(9), 1441-1447.

Grossman, A. H., Park, J. Y., & Russell, S. T. (2016). Transgender youth and suicidal behaviors: Applying the interpersonal psychological theory of suicide. Journal of gay & lesbian mental health, 20(4), 329-349.

Hendricks, M. L., & Testa, R. J. (2012). A conceptual framework for clinical work with transgender and gender nonconforming clients: An adaptation of the Minority Stress Model. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 43(5), 460.

Hill, D. B., & Willoughby, B. L. (2005). The development and validation of the genderism and transphobia scale. Sex roles, 53(7-8), 531-544.

Jauk, D. (2013). Gender violence revisited: Lessons from violent victimization of transgender identified individuals. Sexualities, 16(7), 807-825.

Johns, M. M., Lowry, R., Andrzejewski, J., Barrios, L. C., Demissie, Z., McManus, T., ... & Underwood, J. M. (2019). Transgender identity and experiences of violence victimization, substance use, suicide risk, and sexual risk behaviors among high school students—19 states and large urban school districts, 2017. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 68(3), 67.

Krell, E. C. (2017). Is transmisogyny killing trans women of color? Black trans feminisms and the exigencies of white femininity. Transgender Studies Quarterly, 4(2), 226-242.

Lanham, M., Ridgeway, K., Dayton, R., Castillo, B. M., Brennan, C., Davis, D. A., ... & Cooke, J. (2019). “We're Going to Leave You for Last, Because of How You Are”: Transgender Women's Experiences of Gender-Based Violence in Healthcare, Education, and Police Encounters in Latin America and the Caribbean. Violence and gender, 6(1), 37-46.

Lynne, S. (2013, September 20). Goodbye Lisa Empanada. Retrieved from https://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/2013/09/goodbye-lisa-empanada.html.

Maxon, J., Wright, K., & Rios, E. (2018, January 5). What determines if a murder case gets solved? Race. Retrieved from https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/06/chester-gun-violence-black-deaths-matter/.

Nagoshi, J. L., Adams, K. A., Terrell, H. K., Hill, E. D., Brzuzy, S., & Nagoshi, C. T. (2008). Gender differences in correlates of homophobia and transphobia. Sex roles, 59(7-8), 521.

Petersen, N. (2017). Neighbourhood context and unsolved murders: the social ecology of homicide investigations. Policing and society, 27(4), 372-392.

Price, Jeremy. 2013. Baltimore County Police Department Miscellaneous Crime and Incident Report. 13-260-0438. Baltimore County Police: 11

Riedel, M. (2008). Homicide arrest clearances: A review of the literature. Sociology compass, 2(4), 1145-1164.

Riley, S. C., Jin, H., Aren, A., & Susan, S. (2013). Trans Necropolitics.

Serano, J. (2012). Trans-misogyny primer. Whipping Girl Blogspot, 3.

State of Maryland Chief Medical Examiner. (2013). Autopsy report (Case No. 13-07680). Baltimore, MD.

Stotzer, R. L. (2009). Violence against transgender people: A review of United States data. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 14(3), 170-179.

Taylor, T. J., Holleran, D., & Topalli, V. (2009). Racial bias in case processing: does victim race affect police clearance of violent crime incidents?. Justice Quarterly, 26(3), 562-591.

Testa, R. J., Sciacca, L. M., Wang, F., Hendricks, M. L., Goldblum, P., Bradford, J., & Bongar, B. (2012). Effects of violence on transgender people. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 43(5), 452.

Testa, R. J., Habarth, J., Peta, J., Balsam, K., & Bockting, W. (2015). Development of the gender minority stress and resilience measure. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 2(1), 65.

Testa, R. J., Michaels, M. S., Bliss, W., Rogers, M. L., Balsam, K. F., & Joiner, T. (2017). Suicidal ideation in transgender people: Gender minority stress and interpersonal theory factors. Journal of abnormal psychology, 126(1), 125.

Valencia, S., & Zhuravleva, O. A. (2019). Necropolitics, Postmortem/Transmortem Politics, and Transfeminisms in the Sexual Economies of Death. Transgender Studies Quarterly, 6(2), 180-193.

A Family History of War

My Uncle John (Mum's older brother) called from Scotland tonight- past midnight his time.  He wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas, and said he preferred calls to cards.  So, I put aside the paper I'm writing for class, and listened.

With my Uncle in Scotland, May 2018.

Among other things, he told me a story about my family I'd never heard.  His mother: my maternal grandmother, came from a large family: four brothers, four sisters, and she was the youngest.

At the outbreak of World War One (1914), all four brothers signed up for the army, a couple of them lying about their age to get accepted.  My great grandfather (GGF) also enlisted, saying he was much younger than he really was.  The recruiter thought that they were all brothers, and so they all went into the army.  (Probably in the same regiment as was the British custom of the time.  I don't know which regiment.)

GGF became a drill instructor, so he never went to France, but all four brothers went.  All four made it home as well, but "Not all in one bit."  All were wounded in some way.

"Uncle Walter" lost a leg going over the top when his kilt caught in the wire and he fell face first, his legs in the air.  The Germans shot one off.  Another brother was on a listening post one hot summer night.  This meant he was forward of the lines, and he had to be very still and quiet, lest he be spotted and shot by a sniper.  (I filled in some of my own knowledge here- Uncle John just said he was “ahead of the lines keeping a watch.”)  If the Germans attacked, he was to send up a warning (a flare or something.)  In any case, he had a "sweet" in the chest pocket of his uniform, and as the night went on, he really wanted it.

Scottish Uniforms of World War 1

Source:  http://miniaturasmilitaresalfonscanovas.blogspot.com/2011/12/la-primera-guerra-mundial-la-gran.html

So, very slowly, he moved his hand toward the pocket.  He reached the pocket, opened it... and a sniper shot his fingers off.  (He said that this was at a place he pronounced "Kee-kinola."  I don't know where that is, as I'm sure the spelling is far different from the pronunciation.)  

Another brother also lost his fingers, but I wasn't told how.  I don't know how the fourth brother was wounded.  

In any case, his point was this- Uncle Walter, who lost a leg, used to tell him that "our family is blessed."  After all, the whole family came home from that war when 134,712 Scottish men and women didn't.   And that was the moral of the story.  My Uncle is 81 and has a lot of health problems, but he still considers himself blessed as he's had a long life.  

We were on the phone for 45 minutes, him doing most of the talking and me listening.  He is quite a story teller, and I enjoyed listening to his stories.  

Sometimes, it's best to just listen, especially when someone who has lived a long time wants to tell some stories of days long before mine.  

Be well.

UPDATE:  The family lived in Ayr, so that's where the brothers enlisted.  The surname, as expected was Macintosh.

Men of the Skull: Chapter 180 Senior Dinner

This as one of the final chapters of my book.  Like many Education majors, my last semester was spent student teaching.  The lucky ones were able to get positions near State College, but not me- as I lived in SEPa, that's where I was assigned.  Ok, makes sense, despite my desire to stay at PSU.

In any case, Skull used to have this tradition of a dinner to say goodbye to graduating seniors.  It was a fancy affair, which I described in detail in the chapter.  I have NO idea if they still do this.  Once the dinner ended, those seniors were considered as alumni- no longer "actives."  In a way, they were "drumming us out" of the House.  After the dinner, undergrads would choose their rooms for the next semester.  

Me in fall 1988.  The girl in yellow was a Little Sister.  I forget who the other girl was.

A couple of points to note here- "Sparky" is now a VERY successful restauranteur.  The party I mention was at Toftrees- where I now live.  "Sandi" was a classmate, whom I brought to two of our annual Toga parties (they were Skull's biggest party back then.)  The Adam's Apple is still open...

And not going to the Adam's Apple with those guys is one of my life's big regrets.  I wonder how my relationship with those three guys might've changed, if at all.  Of the three, the only one I have occasional contact with these days is "Dogger."  I communicated with "Peso" for a bit, but it's been years now.  Motel?  I have NO idea what happened to him.

This time of year (it's going into finals week here at PSU) I always think about this night.  The memory is clear as the glass I shattered in the fireplace.  And I was just as broken.  

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Chapter 180: Senior Dinner

Friday, December 9, 1988 Tens of thousands killed by earthquake in Armenia

            Brothers and pledges were dressed in their suits and most of them even showered.  It was another Senior Dinner at the Bone, but for me, this one was different.  This one was mine. 

            So I sat at the front tables.  I was on the end closest to the fireplace.  I guess they wanted me “out” as fast as possible.  Next to me were Motel, then Peso, then Dogger. 

            Everyone else had hotdogs and beans.  It would be a smelly night in the Bone tonight!  At our table we had an incredible steak, green beans, and a huge pile of shrimp.  Motel grumbled that he didn’t like steak, so I traded him his steak for my shrimp.  Steak ala Sparky- and two huge pieces!  Wow!  Sparky really was an awesome chef!

Photo from 1987 of a brother on my Apple Macintosh.  I think it was the only computer in the House.

            In time we finished eating, and the glasses of bourbon were placed before us.  Strange- I somehow never thought that the glass would ever be in front of me.

            Clothesline stood and made a few remarks about how much we four had meant to the house, mentioning things each of had done.  For me, he mentioned the scrapbook and Officer of the Year and that was all.  But that was enough. 

            He then had everyone stand and sing to us.  To me.

Hail to thee, [name of fraternity], Sweetheart of my youth,
Crown'd thy brow with fadeless laurels, Pledge we now our troth. 
Join in chorus, wake the echoes,
Shout it loyal chaps!

BUMDEBUM BUM BUM BUM!
Here's a toast, now drink it hearty,
Hail, all hail [fraternity]!

            I guzzled the bourbon, which was hot and welcoming as it slid down to my stomach, then turned to the fireplace and threw the glass against the back wall as hard as I could.  I seemed to shatter in slow motion.

            It was over- I was a Skull alumni.

            Wow.

            I stepped to the side as Motel, Peso, and Dogger all shattered their glasses.

            We were surrounded by the Hood.  Brothers shook my hand and wished me well, but didn’t linger- and I didn’t expect them to, either.

            Besides, I had places to go and people to see.

            I ran upstairs to change into something more appropriate- for a party.

            You see, all my Education buddies were having a party that night, and I knew Sandi would be there.  I kinda looked at this as a last chance to score with her.  Or something.  I just wasn’t sure how I’d do it.

            After changing, I went down to borrow Wags car- I’d have to drive to this place.  Motel, Peso, and Dogger were waiting for me in the foyer.  The rest of the Hood were taping the floor maps to the wall and otherwise preparing for Room Pricks.

            “Lance, aren’t you coming with us?”  Peso asked

            Huh?

            They WANT me to come along?  I never thought they’d want me to join them.

            “Um, I’m sorry, I didn’t um expect to be invited so I made other plans,” I said.

            “Why wouldn’t you be invited?  This is tradition, man!”  Motel said.

            Did I REALLY think I could get Sandi?  After all, I failed at Toga.

            “I really gotta go,” I said.  I pulled my last twenty out of my pocket and handed it to Motel. 

            “Here- have a round on me.”

            I turned and walked out the back door to parking lot.

            The party was at Toftrees, a new housing development just north of town.  I drove through the freezing cold night and found the place easily enough.

           

            The party was a bunch of education majors draped all over the furniture of a townhouse.  Talking.  Quiet jazz music.  No drinking games, no dancing, no nothing.  I spoke to Sandi briefly, but it was mostly about student teaching.  That’s all anyone was talking about: student teaching. 

            I was bored to tears.

            I gave up the Adam’s Apple for this?

            I left the party early, mumbling something about “prior commitments.”  Got a hug from Sandi, at least.  Drove back to the house.  Handed the keys to Wags.  Went to the front door.

            Just in time for Dogger, Peso, and Motel to walk in.  I missed it all, and for what?  A lousy hug!

            Shit!

Crisp Silence

I wrote this a couple of nights ago on facialbook.  I posted it in a few PSU alumni groups and received very warm responses.  I'm sharing it here so I don't "lose" it in time.

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Last night. I was walking to a panel where I was speaking about LGBTQ, when something struck me. It was cold, and the cold gave the world a crisp silence. There were a few students walking here and there.

This is what I missed- and what as an alumni visiting on a weekend I couldn't see. The quiet beauty of the Nights here at Penn State. That feeling of being a part of something Timeless.

I took a picture. Then moved on, smiling.

Old Main, PSU.  The picture I took.

The Magic and Missing.

Thanksgiving break here at Penn State, and all but the international students have left campus.  It's like a ghost town here- even the traffic is manageable!  For the freshmen, this is their first "real" break since arriving.  They get a whole week these days, while we only got Thursday- Sunday.

As the break began, my thoughts went back to my first semester at PSU, fall 1986.  Thanksgiving break was short, and yes, I went home.  I rode home on the bus, one of many with a trash bag full of dirty clothes in their laps.  The bus took me to the King of Prussia station, where my friend Mike picked me up in his brother's Camaro.

Me, Christmas break 86-87.  I'm wearing my Drexel fraternity jacket.

That whole break I was worried about a situation out of my control.  I detailed this situation in my book.  I was sort of seeing a girl I'd met up there, "Judy," but she had a boyfriend who'd graduated the previous spring.  She was seeing him over the break, when she was going to tell him about me.  We'd met already, but now she was telling him that we were fooling around.

Looking back, that semester was a magic time.  Penn State was new to me, and every day I discovered something new: a new building, a new friend, a new experience.  There were football games which were a vast party- a celebration of one thing I'd never seen nor had: school spirit.  Blue and white were everywhere, and we were all so proud.

It wasn't until Christmas break a few weeks later that I learned something.  I was at a New Years party thrown by a few of my friends from home.  There were only four of us.  We played drinking games, but by then my alcohol tolerance had grown substantially, and I was still awake after the others passed out.  I realized how much I missed being up at college.  I'd only been there for three and a half months, but I'd changed.  A lot.  And no one at home had.

I wonder if others reach the same conclusion I did.  Do they do so on their Thanksgiving break now? Do they even feel the same way we did thirty years ago?  After all, things are so very different now, with internet and cell phones.  They aren't as "isolated" as we were.  Back then, long distance calls were pricey, so we made few.  Now a person could call the call the other side of the globe without thinking twice.  We don't get as much snow now as we did then, and the snow also served to isolate us on campus.  The bone chilling cold kept us indoors some nights, and some of those nights are my most treasured memories- memories of just talking with people and learning a little more about their stories.

Floor plan, Beaver Hill apartments, 86-87.  My home that year.

When I returned to PSU after Christmas break, things changed.  One of my roommates didn't return from break; he'd dropped out of school.  However, he continued to pay rent, so that helped.  That left two of us in the tiny apartment.

Also, within a month, I started dating "Judy's" roommate, "Virginia."  Yes, it was a mess.  Looking back, I think one of the reasons I dated her was that I wanted to hold onto that "magic" any way I could.  We broke up a little over a year later, and part of the Pain I felt was because that relationship was, in a way, the last vestige of that "magic."

I remained friends with "Judy," and we are still friends all these years later.  I'd hoped to rekindle something with her, but I burned that bridge when I started with her roommate.  I fell into a deep depression during my last semester on campus, from which, in many ways, I never recovered.  When I left PSU for student teaching in December 1988, I was very ready to go.

I've spent the next few decades wishing it never ended, and trying to understand what happened.  That's why I wrote the aforementioned book.  I also wrote it trying to find the source of the deep Pain I felt in my soul. 

A few months after I finished writing the book, I found that source- the secret I'd buried for 25 years: that I was really female.  Transgender. 

It's been 30 years since I graduated from PSU with my bachelor's degree; eleven since re-discovering my Truth. 

First semester PSU fraternity photo- earlier this year

Now I'm back at Penn State: back in State College; a lifetime later.  I'm a very different person from the emotional wreck who received that diploma.  I'm not just 30 years older, I'd like to think I'm wiser.  Since graduation, I travelled extensively, married, had a daughter, buried several friends, and released my darkest secret- that I am Sophie.  I no longer have anything to prove to anyone, except myself.  One of the "benefits" of transition is learning who your True Friends are- and they are my support now.  I rarely go downtown to the bars since returning.  I can count the times I've done that on my fingers and have some left over.

I've met some wonderful new people, most of them far younger than me.  However, the Magic is still gone, never to return.  Penn State will never really be new for me like it was in 1986.  The people I knew are my age and parents.  Some are even grandparents.  Both "Judy" and "Virginia" are married and have wonderful families.  The Penn State we knew lives only in our memories, as it should be. 

Everything changes with time.  I certainly have.  While I am again a PSU student, this time for a doctorate, I know that this isn't "my" campus.  It belongs to those undergrads, who are making their own magic and memories, upholding traditions and making new ones.  I'm in a strange place- a part of Penn State's past AND present.  And, like all living alumni and students- part of its future.

Still, I miss the Magic.


Be well.

Medical stuff

What I'm about to write I learned a couple weeks ago.  I've been arguing with myself about posting it ever since.  Why?  Well, medical stuff is private.  But this being transition related, specifically HRT, it could be helpful.

Yes.  No.  Maybe.

In any case, I've been too busy to write.  This PhD thing is hard, but if it weren't hard, everyone would do it.   It would be as meaningless as a republican promise.

I had blood work done for my HRT meds for the first time in a couple of years.  No money- no medicine.  I've been on hormones since December 10, 2012.  Not that I remember the date or anything.  For the past several years, when available, I've been on estrogen injections.

I've been doing injections for a couple of reasons.  One was to give my battered and boozed liver a break.  The second was that injected estrogen works faster than any other way.  And it did.  Within a year, I had C-cup breasts.  Yes, I got very lucky in the boob lottery.  They kept growing gradually, and seem to have leveled off at DD.  That would be more impressive if I didn't have that damn wide rib cage and aircraft carrier shoulders from decades of testosterone poisoning.  But I digress.

2 days ago

Of course, in addition to boobs, my skin and features softened.  However, there was another effect.  My mood became calmer.  Yes, really.  Those who knew me in my previous life know that I was constantly angry.  Not so anymore.

It's normal for people on injections to experience mood swings as injection time nears.  I injected every ten days.  If I missed for whatever reason, the Darkness came back- tougher than ever.  I quickly put together the correlation, but being completely depressed, I couldn't motivate myself to do anything, much less stick a needle in my thigh.

Anyway, bloodwork.  My testosterone level was near zero, as it has been for years,  but my estrogen level was over 700.  It's supposed to be between 200-300 tops. High estrogen is bad.  Possible side effects include weight gain, hair loss, and... drumroll please... mood swings.  As in very depressive mood swings.  Oh yeah, higher risk of clots and stroke too.

Let's examine these:

Weight Gain:  In the past few years, I've packed on 50 pounds.  All I have to do is come within a mile of food and I gain weight.

Hair Loss:  My hair has been coming out in clumps.

Mood Swings:  Of course, there's always the Darkness- that never leaves, but it's been especially bad the last few years.  I figured it was due to the fact I was unemployed and broke, and rarely saw Wife and Daughter.  I'm sure that's part of it, but this...

The doctor here at PSU pointed out that there still are no long term studies on the effects of HRT over decades for transwomen.  However, she put me back on estrogen pills.  In a couple of weeks, I'll go back for more blood work.  See if that helps.

I know many of us self-medicate hormones.  Lisa did, and she took a LOT of estrogen.  The level was on her autopsy report.  Did that play a part in her death?  Who knows?  I'm learning first-hand how hormones can really screw with one's brain. Maybe self-medicating is a bad idea.  I know not getting levels checked was bad, but I had no choice.  I'm paying the price now.

So, I guess the point here is *gets up on soap box* if you're on HRT, make sure you get the levels checked, and don't self- medicate.  *gets off soapbox*

More bulletins if I feel like it.  Back to work.  I have a paper and a report due on Monday and Tuesday. 

Oh, btw- I was asked to do a poetry reading on PSU's Transgender Remembrance Ceremony.  It was recorded.  It's HERE if you're bored. 

Be well.