Saturday, May 5, 2012

I Told My Wife


After months of preparation and planning.  Of expecting the worst and Hoping for the best.

I waited until my mother-in-law was away (she lives with us.)  When she's away, my wife is much more human.  Mother in Law (MIL) went away for a two week cruise, so it was just us.

Ok, so let's go down the checklist.  Backup place to stay?  Check.  Health insurance purchased?  Check. Format of talk in mind and rehearsed?  Check.  Told my therapist and Big Sister I was going to do this?  Check.  Money?  Ummm...

Ok, so when?

I worked both jobs all week except Friday.  I wanted to be able to stay up late and talk as long as necessary (I wake up at 5 AM for work) so it had to be Thursday.

So, date set?  Check.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Last Time Out

As the week went on, my stomach tied itself into more knots than a Boy Scout manual.  (Ok, that was a cheesy metaphor).  I felt physically sick from worry.  I paid a lot more attention to my daughter and my dog as I felt this would be the end with living with them under the same roof.

You see, as my long suffering readers will remember, I know my wife's mind on Transgenderism.  She is a strict Catholic and thinks that TG people are an abomination.  So, I made the logical assumption that she'd throw my ass out.


But I was tired of the lies.  More than tired.  I couldn't look in the mirror, in drab OR as a woman, without seeing a Liar.  A False person.  People I respect didn't respect me, as I was a Liar.

I couldn't move forward with my life until I removed this roadblock from my mind and even from my soul. 

Thursday.  I worked both jobs.  Came home.  I'd wait until after my daughter went to bed.  My hands were visibly shaking.  I spent the time posting on Facebook and to my support groups and even on Second Life that I'd be doing this.

"Tonight, assuming I don't lose my nerve, I am going to tell my wife about Sophie.

God help me.

So by midnight, odds are I will be homeless. But the lies will have stopped."

I texted like a thirteen year old girl with my Sisters.  They gave me encouragement. 

My facebook post got 25 Likes and 49 Messages of Support.  And each one gave me Courage. 

Wife wanted a shower after daughter was in bed.  So I waited.  And being Me, I drank.  Jack and Cokes.  Tall.  Double shot.  I also had a bottle of wine opened for the both of us.  The shower stopped running.  I texted my Big Sis: "Show time."

We sat in our living room.  I poured wine for us both.  I closed the door so any loud sounds wouldn't wake our daughter. 

I told her I wanted to talk about something important to me, and I asked her not to speak until I could get it all out.  Told her that I'd been hurting since I was four, knowing I was different.  I told her that I thought I had it beat after suppressing it for over twenty years and then She returned.

I told her about Sophie.  That inside me was a Woman. 

And that I had been lying.

And that because I lied because I feared she would throw me out.

I told her everything.  Tears ran down her face.  My legs were shaking so much I folded them under me.  I told her about Renaissance and about going out and about the Conferences and that my therapist is one of the leading minds on TG issues. 

And I stopped, and told her I was finished talking. 

She put down her wine glass and said:

"Could you put down your glass so I can hug you?"

I didn't marry an idiot.  She knew something was up.  My stories didn't always match up.  (I'm not a good liar.)  She thought I was having an affair, or that I was planning to leave.

I told her if it was an affair then I am the other woman.

We hugged and we cried.

She asked questions and I answered them.  I did my best not to overwhelm her with details.  She didn't ask for pics and I didn't volunteer them.  I told her that I didn't know where in the gray area of gender that I belonged and that I still needed to find that out.  I told her that no one knew but my therapist, my Sisters, and one other person, and that I needed to keep my feminine side secret to keep my jobs.  And that MIL could never know.  She agreed- MIL would definitely not understand. 

So.  She said she didn't UNDERSTAND, but she can ACCEPT.  And she thanked me for telling her and that her mind was much more at ease.

We toasted, and watched the new Muppet Movie.

Then she went to bed, and I finished the bottle. 

Cheers! (picture courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge)

The following morning, I woke up with a hangover.  And like a good cliched story, the sun shone through the window.  She and I talked a bit during the day on the phone as she was working.  She thanked me again for telling her. 

I posted the good news on Facebook.

"So. I told my wife. I'm still trying to process this.

We both cried.

She is supportive. She doesn't understand, but sees I am in pain and forgives the lies.

Tonight I sleep in my own bed.



that my Sisters were there for me, giving me of their strength.

I can't thank you enough- all of you.

Thank you."

And got 29 Likes.  33 Messages of advice and encouragement.  The replies to these two posts were so wonderful!  I never realized how much people Cared!  I am still blown away.  And I can't thank all of my Sisters enough!

Now it's two days later.  And my life is completely different.  I'm out from under the cloud of lies and I feel, well, liberated. 

Now it's time to sort out my next step on this path. 

And I'll tell all of you about it, each step of the way! 

Happy Woman.
(Picture copyright Cassandra Storm photography.  Used with permission)


  1. Sophie, I'm so happy for you. Oh how liberating it is to tell the people we love most about what is so important to us. For them to see who we really are. And thank God for the acceptance that your wife has shown so far.

    There is one thing that you said that did strike a dissonant chord with me though - "People I respect didn't respect me, as I was a Liar". You are not living a lie, you are living your life! Just like everything else in our transitions, what a difference that "f" makes!

    I know you have a therapist, and I know she did not tell you that you are a liar. So I assume that the people you respect, but do not respect you, are some of your trans friends. First, shame on them for passing on such a negative attitude in the guise of support. Second, please filter everything you hear through the lens of reality. I bet in your everyday life you have earned, and you enjoy much respect. That's what really counts. Now, as a liberated Sophie, keep earning your respect, and enjoying what you have already earned.


  2. Sophie, I am so glad to hear of your wife's reaction. It sounds like it couldn't have gone better. What a relief to know she knows and accepts this important part of who you are.

    The only advice I would give is to take things slowly and expect that she may have times when she's not so accepting. You've known about Sophie for a long time and she's just finding out. It's natural that she may have days when she's puzzled by Sophie and resentful that you've kept such a big secret for such a long time.

    It sounds like your wife is a very loving and supportive person and with time and patience. Although you may have some difficult times ahead, your initial conversation with her was just so encouraging.

    My best to both of you.

  3. Goodonya for coming out to your wife. For certain, there will be rough times ahead, but I'm certain there is a huge weight off your shoulders.

  4. Dear Sophie, who would have thought, right. I read just finished reading your blog post, and I felt like I was sitting in the room with you, a very vivid description. You have great strength, and I have always admired that about you as a woman, and you just grew in my eyes even more, you showed such vulnerability and compassion. I think it was those two things that allowed your wife to be empathetic to your plight, more than anything else. I am so happy for you, because most important in all of this is your daughter and I am sure that elated you even more than her acceptance. You just boarded the train again, and now on your way to the next station stop in our lives. I can't wait to see you grow from here.

    Love you, xoxo, Victoria, your friend.

  5. One of the toughest critics we have is the one in the mirror. I was told our hormone balance changes toward the feminine the older we get so the desires get stronger. You had a great and successful reckoning and can now begin the rest of your life. Congratulations, you and your wife will grow a lot from this.

  6. i am sooooo glad you finally told her.
    i didn't think you'd ever get around to doing so.
    i am sooooo Proud of you!
    i can tell you from a soloist musician's experience that although it never gets any easier ( coming out to others) but at least now you know what to expect as you take a deep breath and let it out slowly to calm the butterfly's in your stomach in the days ahead.

    i tooo felt as you did that i was living a lie or secret and it was sort of ruining my normal honest person self. i tooo felt that everyone knew i was hiding something ( guess what... most didn't have i clue i was hiding anything LOL) it has brought me such relief to come out one at a time to friends and neighbors. i am no longer "hiding" anything. it was actually getting exhausting to sneak around before this point. and the worst part it was driving a unneeded wedge between my dad and my self ( who has always been there for me!) as i said coming out one at a time to those around me has brought great relief to me.
    so once again congrads on the coming out to your wife. as you can see it was vital and a relief to her as well.

  7. I love you sophie