Men of the Skull Interlude: Thrown Out

 This is the newest Interlude chapter for my book Men of the Skull.  It's based upon a blog entry, but includes other details.  

The interludes go between the semesters in the book and track my trans journey.  This one is placed between Summer and Fall 1988.  

The book chapter won't have photos in it, but they're here anyway.  Because.

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Interlude IX: Thrown Out

Wednesday, August 28, 2013  Obama Weighs ‘Limited’ Strikes Against Syrian Forces

That night I was informed by my wife that her mother wanted me out of the house, and that on that Friday she would be changing the alarm codes. I was given two days to pack up and get out.

Of course, there was no way in hell I could pack everything in that time, even though many books were already packed.  I posted about this on social media, received many helpful comments, and also received offers of help with the move. A few people came with their pickup trucks to help.  As did another friend: Jessica.

I'd known Jessica for twenty years. She was dating someone in my old D&D group, and we clicked.  We remained friends through the years and Wife and I attended her wedding.  She volunteered to help.

I thought for a bit.  How could MIL really turn the knife if she wanted?  Easy answer- announce to everyone I was a crossdresser while moving!  And of everyone involved in the move, Jessica was the only one who didn't know. She’d seen me dressed as a woman at parties four times over the years.  Perhaps she even suspected something.

So that Thursday night, I invited her to Rock Bottom, a bar we both liked.  And I told her my Truth.  Gave her a business card with my Sophie picture on it. She looked at me and said "So what?  I always thought you were one of the girls."

So now all that were helping knew about me.  That took away MIL's trump card.

That Friday, I worked at the book store. I also sent Wife a text.  You see, I thought when I was exiled, I would be gone from her and my daughter's life, and I wanted one last night of "normal" life with them before leaving. One of the things that Wife and I spoke about on our first date all those years ago was our mutual love of Star Wars.  She is as much a fanatic for the movies as I am.  We first bonded over this among other things.

 

So, as the last movie we'd watch together, I wanted to watch Star Wars one last time.  She agreed.

My whole life was coming apart- I quietly cried twice at work that day.

That night, after my five year old Daughter was in bed, I put on Star Wars, and as usual when watching it, my wife curled up and lay her head in my lap.  The opening crawl hadn't finished when she quietly said "This isn't the last movie we'll watch together.  We'll still watch movies."

 

I looked down at her with a questioning look.

"I'm not throwing you out of our lives.  I fully expect you to be in [Daughter]'s life, and in mine."

The tears welled up again.  I didn’t want to cry in front of her- I wanted her to enjoy the movie. 

The huge star destroyer swallowed the hopeless, helpless small ship.

No escape.

 

She fell asleep as the Millennium Falcon escaped from the Death Star.  I watched the whole thing.  And slept in my own bed for the last time.  At 3 AM, right on schedule, our dog, Nittany, put her paw in my face, wanting to go out.  I let her out and petted her a little extra when she came back in.

The next morning, I packed like crazy.  As did Wife.  Friends and trucks arrived at noon. I was quickly soaked with sweat in the heat.  Thanks to the amazing help, most of my things were moved where they were going in a few hours. 

Before leaving for the last trip, I took Nittany back to my old bedroom, and hugged her, petted her, and cried like crazy.

I also took a picture

Then I went to the "living room" where Daughter was drawing on a box we gave her to play with.  I hugged and held her and told her I loved her.

 

"What's wrong daddy?"

"Daddy has to go away for a while."

"Why?"

 

 

Wife waited out by my car.  We hugged and kissed… and cried. Both of us.

I drove down the driveway, away from the place I called home for ten years, and my wife of twenty years.

I pulled over twice on the way to the new place as tears kept drowning out my sight.

The plan was that I would treat everyone to dinner at Shangri-La, the local Asian fusion place that once held the transgender events: Laptop Lounge, and then some would come to Winberies, where the events had moved. I also invited my "Big Sister" Mel.  I took a long, cold shower, as I was really overheated.  During the day, I went lightheaded a few times.  I then did a quick job on my makeup, and I introduced myself to Jessica as Sophie for the first time.

Dinner was great, and most people went to Laptop. 

While there, Mel repeated something she’d told me many times: “Cry it out.  You don’t have to pretend to be a man any more.”

 

I returned to the house around midnight, thoroughly exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I washed off my makeup and collapsed into the bed I'd be sleeping in for a while. And cried myself to sleep as quietly as I could.

So in the short term, this meant that I was living by the charity of a friend. It meant seeing my daughter when I could.

But I wasn't in their day-to-day lives any more.

 

Spiraling...

 

But it also meant that I was free to be Me. I could come and go as a woman. I could go anywhere as Sophie, except for work.  

 

At Winberies that night

"You don’t have to pretend..."

 

I didn’t know how my life was about to become so much worse… and how soon.

 

************************************************************************

 

Over a decade later, when my daughter was sixteen, she was tired of the secrets and lies.  I was invited to a session with her therapist where she bluntly asked my “Why did you leave?”

For over a decade, I never told her- Wife insisted.  That time was over.

               “I didn’t leave- I was thrown out.”  And I told her the story as well as I could remember it, sparing no details.  After all, at this point, she could understand.

 

            And she did.

Sleep in the Stars, Big Sister

My "Big Sister", mentor, and one of my dearest friends, Mel, died on the morning of March 20, 2026.  She was 67, and been battling early onset Alzheimers.  

With Mel, June 2010

I had been at the Keystone Conference for the day to reconnect with friends.  I came back to State College and went across the street to my local pub to enjoy a glass of wine.  It was a rare moment- I felt content.  I felt I looked good.  

Then I checked my phone.  My email.  

Hi Sophie,

I hope you are well. This is Melissa's son, Mitch again. Unfortunately, I'm writing with some sad news. My father passed away this morning. As you know, she had been sick for a while, so it's in many ways a blessing that she's passed on. 

 And in a moment, I went blank.  I knew this was coming for more than a year.  But I hoped the day would never arrive.  As I was sitting at a semi-crowded bar, face covered in makeup, I fought back tears.  I paid my tab and walked out slowly.  I had to- I was wearing heels for the first time in forever.  Told you I felt good about my look.  I made it to the rainy sidewalk when the tears finally won.  The cliche- crying in the rain.  I could feel Mel's eyeroll from across the veil.  

I finally put up my umbrella and slowly walked back to the apartment.  All I could think about was her laugh.  The spark in her eyes that said "I know so much more than I'm telling you."  The smell of the lasagna she'd make when she invited me to dinner.  The stories she'd tell...

And so I cried.  

I slowly undressed, hung up my dress, tossed the bra onto the dresser...and laid on my bed and let the feelings flow.  "Let them out- there's nothing stopping you now.  You don't have to pretend to be a man anymore" she would tell me.  

After a bit, I emailed the news to he person who "assigned" Mel to me- my former therapist, Dr. Osborne.  As I wrote years ago, when Mel moved to Albany, 

I met Mel in 2009, at Angela's Laptop Lounge.  She came specifically to meet me, she said.  She didn't do many transgender events anymore, as she was pretty much stealth.  That said, she loved Southern Comfort Conference, where she saw many friends (she and I roomed together at my only SCC in 2013.)

 

Dr. Osborne asked her to advise me since, when Mel transitioned, she had two young children.  When I started seeing Dr. Osborne, my daughter was just over a year old. 

She moved to Albany to care for her ailing mother- who was dying from Alzheimers.  Did Mel know then?  When did she find out? 

She left in November of 2018.  Over seven and a half years ago.  I never saw her again.  Now, the next time I see her will be if her funeral is open casket.  Which I doubt.  

Our last drink.  November 2018.  

Oh, we talked of course.  She sent out almost daily commentaries on the news.  Her analysis, especially on financial policy.  You see, she was a gifted financial genius.  Seriously.  She made millions on Wall Street in the 80s.  

Those emails stopped in 2021.  Is that when she learned?  Or is that when she just... couldn't any more.  

The calls became less frequent.  And she didn't return messages.  Did I offend her?  In December 2024, I sent an email.

Hi Mel!

I haven't heard from you in forever, and the # I have goes right to VM.  I'm worried about you.  

Are you still there?

A week later, I received a reply.  

Hi Sophie,

This is ****, Mel's son. I hope you are well. I, unfortunately, have some sad news, and I apologize for not reaching out sooner. 

My dad was diagnosed with early onset dementia this past winter, and it's progressed pretty rapidly since. My sister and I moved her into an assisted living facility in March and into a memory care facility in North Jersey in August. She currently seems to have stabilized a bit and is doing okay with both good days and bad days. 

Unfortunately, one of her symptoms is pretty serious aphasia, and, as you've already experienced, another one of her symptoms is forgetting to charge her phone and generally not understanding how to work it. So in general, she is pretty hard to get a hold of and understand. However, if you want to send her a card, her address is 

*****

I was planning to give her a call tomorrow or Friday, and when I do, I'll be sure to mention that you reached out. I'm sure she'll really appreciate it, and I know I do too! 

I wrote a letter.  Trashed it.  Tried again.  And again.  I needed to tell her how much she meant to me.

January 12, 2025

Dear Mel,

            I’m writing just in case life keeps me from visiting you in NJ.  I’ll get to possible impediments in a bit.  In any case, I feel it’s important to tell you a few things.  Your son Mitch told me of your condition, and that this is the reason you’ve been incommunicado.  I’m so very sorry. 

            What I want to say (and hopefully I’ll see you to tell you personally) is how much you have meant to me all these years.  Without your help, support, and friendship, I literally would not be alive today.  You guided me through countless dark times and helped me celebrate victories.  I love talking about movies and music with you as your taste is impeccable, and you’re one of the few people who enjoy Dylan as much as me. 

            I know you are guarded as to whom you allow into your circle, and I’m honored that you allowed me in.  You’ve introduced me to so many new people and concepts.  I especially treasure the times you made dinner.  I wish I lived closer so we could dine together again. 

All that said, seeing you is a priority.  I want to talk with you again, just hang out, and give you a hug.  You’re one of the most important people I’ve ever had in my life, and I miss you.

As expected, No answer.  I made plans to see her- several times.  Each time life got in the way- usually financially.  

Then, that email.  Friday night.  In the rain.

I could write so much about Mel.  But she was a very private person- life taught her that.  I will say the following.  Mel was a math and financial genius.  She graduated from Boston University and went to work on Wall St. during the 1980s- with ALL that implies.  She worked for some of the most prestigious firms in the world.  She enjoyed weight lifting, music, movies, and cooking. Fine wines and Scotch. Dated beautiful women.  Married.  Two children.  The American Dream.

But...

There was this... problem.  She saw a therapist and said "cure me." There was no cure.  So Mel moved decisively.  Told her wife, divorced her (amicably), went to conferences and learned all she could, met some of the movers and shakers in transgender thought, made friends, and transitioned using the Top doctors in the country at the time.  Spared no expense.  She could easily afford it, even after the divorce.  

At work, She found that no one listened to her any more.  No one took her seriously.  After all, she was just a woman.  Then the firm for which she moved to the Philly area... "went in a different direction."  Her career was over.  Forced early retirement.

A few years later, against her better judgement, she agreed to mentor a scared new parent taking her first steps into her Truth.  Over time, we became friends, for which I'm honored, as she was very choosy about who she "let in."  Through Mel I met people and learned.  I learned through listening, watching, and not listening and paying the price.  

"Enjoy who you are, but never let down your guard."  "Transition should be your last resort- exhaust all other options save death."  "Get FFS (facial feminization surgery) BEFORE you transition and it'll save you a lot of grief." "Whether you think so or not, you will NEVER be prepared for transition, and the changes it will cause in your life.  It can destroy you."  "You don't have to pretend anymore..." 

She was also a huge baseball fan, and rooted for her beloved Yankees.  She told stories of sitting behind Billy Joel at the World Series.  Proof?  He signed her ticket.

Then there was the music.  She loved all kinds of music. Stones.  Who.  And above all, Bob Dylan.  She'd invite me to dinner at her place, and we'd listen to and discuss Bob Dylan records.  "If you're not busy being born, you're busy dying" the man would sing.  "Death to me means nothing as long as I can die fast."

But she didn't  Alzheimers is so cruel.  

Halloween 2010

Time.  I would give years of my life to her if I only could.  But in her case, death was a mercy.  

Mel was there for me when I was thrown out.  She drove me to the appointment to start HRT.  She was there to help me when Lisa died.  The night I sent my "Coming out" announcement we talked and texted extensively.  First day at work as Sophie.  At my "Debutante party." She was always there- without fail.  

But I couldn't be there for her as she faded away.  No one could help her.  But I will be there for her when she is celebrated.  And I will carry her wisdom and love with me the rest of my life.  And I will continue to pass on her wisdom to the "eggs" I mentor.  Like she did with me.  Against her better judgement.

Mel loved quoting authors, so here I quote Keroac from On the Road.  It's fitting.  You see, Mel was one of "the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

Sleep well, my dear friend. My Big Sister.  As Bob sang, I'll  "See that [your] grave is kept clean."

SCC, 2013

Pandora’s Box

Interlude V: Pandora’s Box

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Okay, I knew how to end this foolishness.

Unlike when I was a teen, there was something now called “the internet” where I could look up information and figure things out. After all—I held a Master’s Degree—I was supposedly smart.

Also, the internet was where I found my cheap wig, ugly shoes, and a waist cincher from a place called Glamor Boutique.

In any case, I discovered terms like crossdresser, transgender, and more.  I also discovered there were people who specialized in transformation makeup, where they could make a guy up to look like a girl.  One was up the road in Bethlehem, PA.  Another was on Long Island, New York.

So—the plan.  I knew how bad I looked on Halloween.  Downright ugly.  My friend Dawn was a competent makeup artist, but I wanted to try a specialist.  When even they couldn’t make me look feminine, that could be the end of it.  End of story.  Solved.  QED.

But… which to use?  I knew nothing about either of them, except for the reviews on their websites.

One was in Bethlehem, PA, about an hour away.  Hmm.  Still close.  I might stumble upon someone I knew.  Long Island?  Two and a half hours away.  No chance of “chance” encounters.

Besides—the owner in New York was female. I wasn’t sure about the owner of True Colors.  I didn’t feel comfortable being all “girled up” in front of a guy.  Not yet anyway.

So I sent an email to Femme Fever.  Eventually all was set.  I paid in advance.  I told my wife that I was going up to Penn State main campus for the day—meetings.  Plausible, as I worked part-time as an instructional designer at the Great Valley branch campus.

Still, I hated lying to her.  I really did.

The trip took forever, but I was only fifteen minutes late.  Karen let me in, and we sat down to discuss what I wanted.  But first, she gave me a bra that had pockets for breast forms, a pair of forms (looked like chicken cutlets), and told me to put them on.  She left the room, and I did as she asked.

She returned and told me she did that, to quote, “put me at ease.” Got it.  She was right.

We sorted out outfits, hair color, that sort of thing.  The first outfit was a baggy orange sweater dress (yes, seriously) and a copper-colored wig.

After being dressed in the dress, hose, and shoes, she seated me on a barber’s chair in a room with a wall full of mirrors.  I told her that I wanted to be surprised, so please turn me away from the mirrors.  Karen did the makeup for about an hour and asked what name I was using. I told her Lisa but said it was not set in stone.  What would she suggest?

As the makeup was finished, she stepped back and looked at me. She looked at me and said, “I have a strong feeling your name is Sophie.”

She then turned the chair around, so I faced the mirror and said, “Say hello to Sophie!”

I couldn’t believe it!  I couldn’t believe that the person in the mirror was me!  I didn’t see myself at all.  I actually looked passably female.  Or so I thought.

Also, I usually don’t ignore strong feelings, so I kept the name.  In addition, Sophie is Greek for wisdom, and I can use all the wisdom I can get.

That woman in the mirror simply could not be me.  There was no way…

She took pictures of me in that outfit and a few others.  I ended up buying the pocket bra and the wig.

I was in deep trouble.

Saturday, December 20th, 2008

I needed help.  In addition to the other terms and shopping, I found a support group that met in nearby Malvern called Renaissance.

I told my wife I was going to play D&D (another lie, damn it).  I stopped in Valley Forge Park, tried to put on the waist cincher… which broke.  I decided to find the place and change there.  I pulled into the parking lot of an office park that looked rather empty.  Did I have the right address?  Then I saw someone walking toward the correct door. She wore a black, Goth-looking long dress and had very long, straight gray hair.  I asked her if this was the right place for Renaissance.

She confirmed it was—in fact, she was the president.  Her name was Rebecca, and she became a dear friend and mentor.

I arrived dressed in normal street clothes, and changed on site, scared as can be.  I didn't bring any makeup.  Well that’s really because I don't have any yet but that’s a minor detail.  In any case, I wore a new white top and black skirt I recently bought, as well as the red wig from Femme Fever.

I looked like shit.  But the girls made me feel right at home.  Some could easily pass.  Others like me, well... In any case, they were very open and welcoming.  I felt I was among friends.  In fact, I met many people who would become friends and mentors that night.  And as a bonus, Renaissance was having a Christmas dinner at nearby Shangri-La, an Asian restaurant.  That was—gulp—NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOKSTORE WHERE I WORKED.

I went anyway, as one of the girls spotted me the money to go.  I was pretty broke.

I was terrified the whole night.  What if someone I knew saw me?  Or my car?

Turns out that Shangri-La has a TG night the third weekend of every month called Angela’s Laptop Lounge.  The DJ, Angela, was one of the founders of Renaissance, and was editor of a transgender news website called Transgender Forum.  Anyway, it was really crowded!  I didn’t know there were so many people… like me.  I felt myself easing into the role of Sophie. Or was it just the drinks?  Does it matter?  I was dressed and having a ball!

I spoke with two girls (one of whom became a dear friend) and mentioned this was my first night “out.”  They looked at each other and said “Pandora’s box is open!”

They were absolutely right.

I stayed several hours, but eventually had to go.  I changed in the car then drove home.

While at Renaissance, I also got some recommendations on local gender specialists.  Maybe they could cure me?

Please?

I didn’t want to be a… freak.

For Jenny

Last week was not a good one, for several reasons.  It was my birthday, for one.  However, the day before that, on the night of September 12, I received word that Jennifer Jensen died that morning.

"JJ" April 2010

I don't know if Jenny (JJ) was out to her family, so out of respect for her privacy, I must keep certain personal details vague.

I met JJ at my first Renaissance meeting/ Angela's Laptop Lounge in December 2008.  I was a mess- no makeup, rumpled outfit, bad shoes, and a cheap Halloween wig.  Despite my trollish appearance, Jenny was warm and welcoming, as were most of the people that night.

After the Renaissance meeting, everyone went over to Shangri-La for Angela's Laptop Lounge, the twice monthly transgender inclusive party.  At dinner, I sat next to JJ, and we talked.

I don't remember what we talked about, but she remembered me the next month and we talked some more.  I told her that I'd gotten a room at Motel 6 so I could change into/out of Sophie stuff, and she replied she did the same.  It made sense that we pool our resources, so for over a year, we split the cost of a motel room- usually the Motel 6.  After a month or two, we started having lunch before changing at a restaurant near the motel.  Jen Lehman soon joined us, and three of us became a small group.  For me, it was lunch, go get my makeup done by Amanda Richards, then meet them at the Renaissance meeting.  

Those first months of going out were frightening, but JJ was a calming influence.  She was that way for everyone.  I discovered that this was due to her high stress occupation during which she had to keep a cool head- a career she enjoyed since the 1970s until her recent retirement.  

Keystone 2010

Jenny wasn't "out" to her work colleagues (and again, possibly not to family), so secrecy was a must.  During our lunches we would ponder ways to keep our secrets hidden.  Eventually, I came out to my Wife, then to the world, and Jenny was so supportive.

After she retired, Jenny moved back to her home state, so I rarely saw her except at the Keystone Conference.  There she volunteered her time and expertise to the conference and her presence there will be sorely missed.  JJ helped run the Debutante program for new attendees in addition to originating and continuing to run the popular Friday night Bingo Spectacular.  She and Amanda Richards would wear outlandish costumes and gave away great prizes to winners and those who answered transgender trivia.  

JJ was an incredible person.  She gave of herself without thought of reward or seeking laurels.  She helped because she could, and because she wanted to.  She was an amazing person and an amazing friend.

May the four winds blow you safely home, Jenny.  I will miss you and try to live up to your example.

Inspirations: Victoria Datta

 I was challenged to write something positive, so I thought it was past time to honor another one of the people who inspire me everyday.  

I met Victoria that first night out as Sophie, when I went to a Renaissance meeting and to Angela's Laptop Lounge afterward.  She was (and still is) elegant beyond compare: exotic and aloof.  Also, I learned by asking someone that she was dating one of the Movers and Shakers in the Philadelphia transgender scene- the person who ran the Yahoo group that everyone used for events.  As I don't have permission to name that person, I'll assign her the pseudonym: W.  Victoria was "W's girl" which meant "stay away from her."  I always thought that was a lonely circumstance.  

Victoria

The first few times I saw Victoria, I thought she wasn't trans.  Then I wondered if she was one of the "pros" who would come out of the city to get some "business" from the admirers, but ended up dating W.  I admit: I was intimidated by her beauty, poise, and class.  I could never look that good.

Eventually, W introduced me to Victoria, and I did my best not to be dumbstruck.  Not long after, the local trans community was abuzz- W and Victoria had broken up!  I assume many people started hitting on her directly after, but I never saw her dating anyone.  

Around that same time, my therapist invited me to join a support group, then named "Trans Sans Sition."  Members of this group would become some of my dearest friends.  Victoria was there (in addition to Amy, and Jen L) and always had wise input.  She seemed so very approachable.  Eventually, she suggested the group change its name to Transquility, and so it remains to this day (however it is now virtual.)

Amy and Victoria Keystone 2015

During this time I really learned what an amazing person Victoria is.  Her strength and determination are awe inspiring.  She transitioned on the job at a major company, and was instrumental in writing policies for them concerning transgender employees.  Victoria also presents on that topic at various transgender conferences.  Soon after I came out, I was honored to co-present on the topic, as my company was smaller.  

Through it all, Victoria has been a model of grace, beauty, strength, generosity, and compassion.  I was honored to be invited to her Confirmation Party in May 2014 (which I wrote about here.)  She is a major music lover, including being a mega George Michael fan.  She spoke at my "coming out party" in 2015, and I did my best not to cry (I failed.)  

Debutante Party 2015

I could write so much more about this amazing woman, but I'm sure she'll blush enough at what little I have revealed.  She is a fairly private person.   All that said, the world is so much richer because she's in it, and she has been a guiding light and dear friend for years.

And her beauty still intimidates me,

Thank you for being you, Victoria!  I love you!

  

For Katie

Katie Ward passed away on Monday, June 14, 2021.  

She suffered from brain cancer which metastasized to her kidneys.  I'd like to think she was surrounded by loved ones, but I don't know.  There are many things I don't know about Katie, but this I do know: she was a dear friend and mentor.

Katie Ward, March 2020

I met Katie in early 2009, soon after rediscovering myself.  We hit it off nicely, but didn't really start speaking until I visited TransCentral PA a few months later.  We bantered back and forth, and learned about each other.  She was vital to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg every year, so I also saw her there.  Katie didn't BS people- she was blunt, and I liked that about her.  If I looked like shit, she said so.  If she thought I'd had enough to drink, she'd say that as well.

Laptop Lounge March 2009.  My first pic with Katie

Katie's life was all about service.  She served...  well, it's easier to do this.  The following is what TransCentral PA sent out about her passing.  It's how I learned she'd died.

We are sorry to announce the passing of our beloved friend and sister Katie Ward.

She passed on Monday, June 14th in a care facility after finding out less than a month ago she had stage 4 brain cancer which had metastasized to her kidneys. The prognosis was short, but she underwent a few treatments of radiation so she could have a little more time with her daughter and granddaughters. Although tired a lot in her last days, she said she had no pain.

Katie dedicated much of her life in service to others. She served our country honorably, first in the Navy, and then in the Air National Guard which she retired from after 20+ years of military service.

She was an officer of TransCentralPA for over five years and a volunteer/member for twice that amount of time. She would consistently host dinners around Harrisburg before our support group meetings to give people a chance to forge friendships both within and outside the group and build confidence in themselves. She enjoyed helping people and giving back.

She actively participated in many community organizations such as the Keystone Business Alliance whom she helped plan their annual awards banquet for a couple of years.

Her favorite event though was the one she helped grow into one of the largest events in the country--The Keystone Conference, A Celebration of Gender Diversity. Katie took on many roles at Keystone; she was the volunteer coordinator, the off-site event coordinator, the security coordinator, the Registrar and many others for several years. At the Saturday Night Gala of the last Keystone, Katie received a much-deserved standing ovation for her contributions to Keystone and the Central Pennsylvania community.

With her passing, Katie leaves behind a legacy of generosity, kindness and compassion. We will miss you Katie--thank you for being our friend.

So, you see, Katie was all about helping others.  I was one of many t-girls who benefitted from her wisdom and friendship.

It's so hard to write this.  Even though I knew it was coming, I still feel a deep hollow emptiness.  She did so much for so many- it just isn't fair that she should pass while so many useless people survive.  

Katie in a proper uniform

She was buried in a military cemetery under her birth name.  So the name Katie Ward passes into memory, kept only by those who knew her Truth.  I don't know how many of her family knew about Katie.  I think her daughter did.  In any case, we the transgender community have a responsibility to not just keep her memory alive, but to rise to the challenge that her service demands.  She showed us how caring and helping others can be done, and it's up to us to step up and continue her work.

I remember telling her several times that I wanted to be her when I grew up.  She would usually reply with "like you'll ever grow up."

Keystone Conference, 2017

It's rare that one can tell people exactly how you feel about them, and I took that opportunity with Katie.  Once I heard about her diagnosis (and that I couldn't visit due to covid restrictions) I messaged her on Facialbook and told her what she meant to me.  I hope she knew what she meant to so many people in our community, and how great her life impacted so many others.

I know that this piece doesn't begin to give justice to the beautiful soul who has left us, but I think everyone who knew her will understand the depth of grief we all share.  

On her page, I wrote "May the four winds blow you safely home", but I think a more appropriate parting would be "Fair winds and following seas, Katie."  I will miss you, dear friend, and do my best to follow your example.  

Photo by Cassandra Storm

Codex: Sophie 3.0

 This entry will be updated as needed, and it's been a while, so NEW EDITION!.  It's sort of a resource for the Blog.  Here you'll find basic definitions of terms and who the people are that I reference most often.

A quick summary of my life as it is currently:

Who am I?

That's a deep question.  I am Sophie Lynne.  I am a pre-operative transgender woman.  I was born in September 1966.  I graduated from Penn State with a degree in Education, then many years later I earned a Masters degree in Education, also from Penn State.  I married in 1993, and currently am still married.  My daughter was born in 2007.  I used to work at a bookstore as a supervisor, but was laid off in February 2018.  I am currently living in an apartment in State College, PA.  I went full time as a woman on March 25, 2014.  I now do Outreach at Universities, and wherever I'm invited, really.  I have been writing my whole life, and have been published in international magazines as well as the New York Times.  I wrote a book about my college years, but it has yet to be published. I've posted some chapters here in the blog, though.  In fall 2019, I moved back to State College to pursue my PhD in Continuing Learning and Adult Education with a minor in Gender studies at Penn State.  In August 2022, I passed my comprehensive exams, so I'm now an A.B.D (all but dissertation), so now I'm doing dissertation work.  Fun fun. 


What is Transgender?
According to the American Psychological Association, transgender is:

an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression, or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of being male, female, or something else; gender expression refers to the way a person communicates gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice, or body characteristics. “Trans” is sometimes used as shorthand for “transgender.” While transgender is generally a good term to use, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-nonconforming will identify as a transgender person. The ways that transgender people are talked about in popular culture, academia, and science are constantly changing, particularly as individuals’ awareness, knowledge, and openness about transgender people and their experiences grow.   Source

HERE is another good definition with some follow up questions.


When did you realize you were transgender?
I knew I was different when I was four- that I was in the wrong body.  I was 11 when a special ran on the local news called the "Transsexual Dilemma" and I was like- That's me!"  Of course, being in a very blue collar family in the 1970s I thought I was only one like me in the world.  I cross-dressed for a while until I was about 16, then stopped.  I started again in 2008.  I realized that I needed to transition comparatively recently.

Like many TGs, I joined a fraternity in college. I also participated in hyper-masculine activities in an effort to bury my feminine feelings.

Frat boy???

Why did you choose to be Transgender?

I DIDN'T choose this.  I was born this way.  Being transgender is NOT a mental condition, it is a Physical condition. There are several theories as to how this happens:  a flood of estrogen in utero at the wrong time, faulty hormone receptors in the fetus... but in the end, no one really knows for sure.

Here's a VERY good discussion on the current theories.

Why would someone CHOOSE to be TG?  Why would they choose a life of prejudice and hatred?  A life where they constantly feel the anguish of not being "Right"?  41% of TG people attempt suicide.  Compare that to 3% who attempt suicide in the non-trans population.  Our murder rate is much higher than the cisgender population as well.  It's a HARD life.  An expensive one.  And, in the end, a life of uncertainty and pain.  Yeah, definitely my first choice.  *rolls eyes*


Why did you stop in 1983?

I was ashamed.  I felt like a freak.  And I'm sure if I were caught, the punishment would've been VERY severe.  So I suppressed it for many, many years- doing my best to be the guy I was expected to be.  I wasn't very good at it.  Remember, this was before the internet, so I thought I was the only "freak" who had those feelings.

Why do I call myself Sophie?

I didn't start with this name.  In December of 2008, I went for my first makeover at Femme Fever in NY.  Karen, the proprietor, did the makeup and asked what name I was using.  I told her but said it was not set in stone.  She stepped back and looked at me, as the makeup was finished, but I hadn't seen myself yet.  She looked at me and said "I have a strong feeling your name is Sophie."  She then turned the chair around so I faced the mirror and said "Say hello to Sophie!"

My First Look at Sophie

I usually don't ignore strong feelings, so I kept the name.  I added the Lynne part as I liked the sound of it.  I have been told that I "own [my] name!"  Ok.  Thanks!

Sophie is Greek for Wisdom, and I can use all the wisdom I can get.

Since becoming Sophie, I've researched famous Sophies in history.  By far, my favorite is Sophie Scholl.

What's your male name?

It was Lance.  Was.  Past tense.  I answer that question only because I mention it in posts occasionally.

Did you legally change your name to Sophie Lynne?

No.  I legally changed my name in October 2016, but not to Sophie Lynne.  Sophie Lynne remains as my nom de plume.  :)

Are you gay?

I am attracted to Women. (I'm married to one.)  I am not attracted to guys.  At all.  So,  I am considered a trans-lesbian.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.  Gender is who you ARE.  The two are independent of each other.

What does Christ have to say about Transgender People?

He had the last supper in the home of a TG.  Luke 22:10 says And he said unto them, Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.  Back in Christ's day, Women carried water.  period.  Men did NOT do so.  Yet, this man did.  Why? The man was TG.  (I didn't make this up.  Google it!)


I think he's cool with us.  After all, why would God have made me this way if they weren't cool with it.  God doesn't make mistakes, right?

Have you had your surgery yet?

The normal answer to this would be something like "Why are you so interested in my genitals?"  I mean really, it's no one's business.  Calpernia Adams has a really wonderful video about questions like this one.   Also, there isn't just one surgery: there's facial feminization surgery, breast augmentation (no, I didn't have that), and Gender Correction Surgery.  I'll never be able to afford any of them, so there's your answer.

Baby I'm a Star!
Ok, not really. It doesn't happen often, but occasionally I get some press coverage.  Here are links:

Philadelphia Daily News Profile, June 2016
Penn State Abington Review of a talk I did, Nov 2015
Penn State Abington Review II, April 2017
Phoenixville Non-Discrimination Ordinance, March 2017
Me speaking at the Borough meeting, March 2017.  I'm at 14:15
Outward Today, Oct 2016

Dramatis Personae:
I use many pseudonyms for people in my life as I'm sure they don't want any publicity.  My favorite form of pseudonym is a random letter designation.  After Wife and daughter, they are in no particular order.  This list is FAR from complete.

Sophie Lynne:
Me.  Your humble hostess.  I am the youngest of two children, and I have an older brother.

April 2021 (pic by Chuck Fong)

Wife:
My wife is a couple of years younger than me.  We met in 1991 and married in 1993.  Like all couples, we've had our ups and downs.  I refer to her as "Wife" as a term of affection.  And she's cool with that.  She's the oldest of three children, and has two younger brothers.

Daughter:
My daughter was born in late 2007.  She's been without me in the house since 2013.  

Parents:  My mother died in January 2022, but father is still alive.  I told them about Sophie on Saturday, December 28, 2013.  The initial reaction was positive, and we've covered a LOT of ground. Things went well for a while, became really rough, but are better now.

OB:  Older brother.  Used to always beat me up and blame me for everything he did.  My parents always believed him over me.  I told him about being Sophie and he laughed at me, then lied to my parents about it.  He met his sister on Christmas day 2014.   We don't speak.

MIL: Mother in Law.  My wife's mother.  So right wing she thinks Rick Santorum is liberal.  Extremely intolerant of anyone who is not exactly like her.  Racist.  One insulted her Filipino daughter in law with a racial slur to her face.  For ten years, Wife and I lived in her house due to my inability to find a job that paid enough to move out.  I was thrown out of that house in late August of 2013 for being TG.

Mel:  My "Big Sister."  Mel transitioned in 2003.  She is an incredibly intelligent woman, and very plain spoken.  My therapist asked Mel to advise and mentor me, and we've become good friends.  I wouldn't be where I am today with out her candid, sometimes brutal, advice.  Mel is very good friends with Donna Rose, who was HER big sister.

Dr. Maureen Osborne:  My former therapist.  One of the leading minds in TG therapy.  She's fantastic!  She was my "Big Sister's" therapist as well. She retired in 2015.

Dr. Osborne (seated) receiving a gift at Transhealth, June 2013

Lisa Empanada:  My "transition buddy."  My Sister.  Aside from my Wife, she was my closest friend.  We could finish each other's sentences and often did.  She committed suicide on Monday, September 16, 2013.  Her death sent me into a tailspin which almost killed me.  I miss her very much.

Lisa Empanada

David:  David is a trans-man living in Baltimore.  I met him at Laptop Lounge back in February 2013, and really got to know him at Keystone 2013.  He is good people, but we've fallen out of touch.

Elizabeth:  Elizabeth was the first non-TG I told about being Sophie.  My first time out on Halloween 2008, she helped me pick out an outfit.  (She didn't know then.)  She and I worked together at the time, but she was moving to Turkey with her boyfriend. I was SO nervous!  But she was extremely accepting.  For a while, she was the only one of my friends who knew.  She gave me a party on the one year anniversary of going full time, and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding.

Dave:  Dave was the first cis-gender male that I told about being TG.  We are former co-workers.  He is married to Elizabeth.

M:  My coworker for several years.  She was among the first I told.  She's an unapologetic hippie from California, and her exploits could fill several books.  She is also VERY rich, and uses that money to help autistic children world wide.  She opened her home to me for nine months after MIL threw me out.

Jamie:  Another former co-worker, she now works in the publishing industry.  She is from Missouri and is an absolute delight!  She accepted me readily.

Linda Lewis:  One of my earliest inspirations, Linda is an amazing person.  Over time we started conversing on Facebook and became friends.  I met her at SCC.  She is an icon of the community, but more important, she is an amazing and down to Earth woman.  Linda is currently my room mate and bestie.  Yes, she moved to State College with me.  She's a BLAST to have around!

Linda Lewis, April 2017

Kimberly Huddle:  Another early inspiration.  Kim travels the country dressed as Kim for her drab job.  She lives in Texas, and, despite her folksy manner, is extremely sharp.  She's an amazing, beautiful woman and a great friend.  She has an amazing blog which inspired me to start this one.  Read it HERE.

Kim Huddle, on her second Philly visit.

Ally Raymond:  She's from Richmond, Va.  I met Ally at Lisa's affirmation party, and since then she's become an indispensable part of my life.  Tall, gorgeous, and so outspoken... she's a role model for transwomen!  At least I think so.  She married her longtime partner in 2021.

Ally, March 2017

Amanda Richards:  Owner of True Colors Makeup Artistry.  A absolute genius with makeup and a very dear friend.  She went to a rival Big 10 school, but I don't hold it against her.  ;)

Amanda Richards, March 2017

Lorraine Anderson:  Owner of Occasional Woman.  She makes a lot of the clothes to fit over my difficult to fit body.  Such a fun, caring, and genuinely amazing person whom I'm proud to call friend!  She also writes for TG Forum.

Lorraine and her worst customer

Sandy Empanada: Lisa's Widow, and one of the strongest people I know.  She's simply amazing.  She, and Lisa's daughters Kristy and Tiffany, are family to me (as are the entire Newell family.)

Jake, Sandy Empanada, Tiffany Empanada, David, me.  November 2013

DrD:  My oldest friend.  We met in kindergarten. He was Best Man in my wedding.  He is my best male friend.  I told him about my Truth, and he was supportive.  DrD holds two doctoral degrees, and is a fellow Penn Stater.  He is an amazing person, and I would die for him.

With DrD in October 2019

R:  My friend since 1980.  We graduated high school together.  US Army veteran and VMI graduate.  He was a groomsman in my wedding, as I was in his first wedding.  In his second, I was Best man.  When I came out to him, he cried, and swore to support me.  I have often said I would "take a bullet" for him.  And I continue to say that.  He met Sophie in late 2014.

A:  My friend since 1993.  I met her through her boyfriend of the time when he was in my D&D group.  She dumped him soon after, but we stayed in touch because we clicked.  She invited Wife and I to her wedding to her no-good husband (who abandoned her when her cancer relapsed.)  I told her about being TG right before moving out of MIL's house.


Glossary:

CD:  Short for Crossdresser

Cisgender:  The opposite of transgender.  A person whose body matches their gender identity.  In other words, almost the entire population of the planet.  More HERE.

Crossdresser:  A person who dresses as a woman.  Said person may or may not be transgender.  See HERE for more information.

"The Darkness":  My name for the pain and thoughts surrounding suicidal depression.

GCS:  Gender Confirmation Surgery. "Surgical procedures that some transgender people go through to obtain physical characteristics found in the opposite gender."  "The Operation."  Also known as "Sex change" and SRS.

GG:  Genetic Girl.  A woman who was born female.

HRT:  Hormone Replacement Therapy.

"My Truth:" My term for the fact that I am a Woman, and Trans.

"The Pain":  My name for the suffering inflicted by being Transgender.

"Pink Hangover": The feeling after a night, weekend, whatever, of being en femme and having to return to being a male.  This is a feeling of regretting being male and wishing the female time didn't have to end.

Second Life:  A Computer simulation game sorta thingee.  All content is made by users.  I have some amazing friends there, like MK, Cisop, Zonker, Plato and so many others!

SRS: "Sex Reassignment Surgery."  "Surgical procedures that some transgender people go through to obtain physical characteristics found in the opposite gender."  "The Operation."  Also known as "Sex change" and GCS.

TG:  Short for Transgender

Transgender:  A person who dresses/lives as the gender opposite their birth.  See HERE for a better definition.

Transsexual:  Old term for someone who has completed GCS.

TS:  Short for Transsexual