Lucky?

I was texting with one of my cousins the other night.  She posted the following on fb:

I pointed out that we have family members who are part of the cult.  She said she knew- and that she avoids the topic when possible. 

She wrote:

"Its a very sad time in history. Ive taken a break from my first childhood friend. Not bc of her necessarily, but a mutual childhood friend jumped into a convo. I'd already unfriended this person."

I replied "I guess in some ways I'm lucky. I lost 90% of my friends when I transitioned. So I only lost about a half a dozen over maga."

"Ehhh..as you know, its a personal choice as to who one puts up with.  Are you lucky? That would make a great topic for your blog. I think you are lucky to know you have friends that you can be yourself with. Me.....I have many friends, but very very few know all of me. Make sense?"

"Makes a lot of sense. Am I lucky? I guess in only 2 ways. 1. I know who/what I am. 2. I know who my true friends are"

Is it possible to truly know another person?  Even after decades?

When I transitioned, I figured I knew how my closest friends would react, a good guess about how other friends would react, and an idea what most of my coworkers and others i knew would do.

Coworkers and others?  I figured most of them spot on.  I could always read people.  

Unfortunately, I was right about most of my friends.  But by then, I really didn't have many.  Really never did.  I'm a social misfit at best. I still wonder what it's like to be "normal."

But my closest friends?  People I'd known most of my life?  Several of them surprised me.  A couple of them who are very conservative not only supported me but all these years later are still there.  Has it been smooth?  No- but they're still there.  Conversely, a couple "liberal" friends just disappeared, and, despite me reaching out, we never spoke again.  

Then again, NONE of them knew about what was inside me.  I'd hidden it too well.  Even though everyone knew I was "different" in some way- picked on by the kids growing up, ostracized by most of my "brothers" at Penn State... but the idea of transgender never entered the realm of possibility.  

Either that makes me an amazing actor (and I have no acting awards), or an incredibly proficient liar.  I hate lies.  Yet I'm so good at it.

Only one person, a coworker from Baltimore whom I wasn't that close to, claimed he'd figured it out due to my level of anger at the world.  He'd seen it before in a family member who'd transitioned.  I don't doubt him- he's a pretty sharp guy.  

So, by that logic no one REALLY knew me- until that first Renaissance meeting in December 2008.  And in so many ways I was finally exploring the shadows of something I denied my whole life.  

Eighteen years later, I'm still learning.  

Valentine's Day 2026

So, can one person truly know another?  Even after, say, decades of marriage?

There are a very few people whom I know/knew well enough that we could finish each other's sentences.  And still, they surprised me.  One, with whom I was in a relationship, cheated on me and revealed a side I'd never suspected.  

Another killed herself.  She hid the signs so well.

Two of the biggest scars on my soul.

So, no.  I don't think its possible to truly know another person.  Everyone has secrets.  Everyone lies.  

"Don't tell me you know me When I don't even know myself"  Pete Townsend

I'm still learning.

Be well.  

Reply to "Jason"

 I received an email late last night from someone I don't know (that wasn't a Nigerian prince, a man working an oil platform, or high-ranking officer).  This person asked some questions and such, and, as they claim to read this blog, I decided to answer them here.  I will first post their email verbatim, then answer idea by idea.  Their words appear in italics. 

And I’M CITING SOURCES.  So strap yourselves in folks, this is a long one! (Shorter if you skip the citations, but they're kinda the point.)

 

Me after speaking at Penn State TDOR'25

*******************************************

Jason Borregas (I don’t know anyone by this name.  Or is it a bot?  I’m guessing a person’s pseudonym.  After all, my name isn’t legally Sophie Lynne.  It’s Hortense.)

 From:  jblxxxx@yahoo.com

“I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste. I can’t fathom that you could be born for this. When was the last time you had a financial cushion? When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment? Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State? I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed? The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year. I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are. Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

 

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does. All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.”

****************************************************************

Ok, so now my reply. 

I know. It’s strange. But I’ve read your blog for years. 

>>>Thank you!

I still don’t understand. From my perspective, the whole Sophie lifestyle is a waste.  

>>>Being transgender is not a ‘lifestyle.’  It’s a biological fact.  See citation list at the end of this piece.  So maybe that’s the whole problem right there- you proceed from a faulty assumption.  I addressed this in MANY entries, but especially in Codex Sophie.  (Linked here.)  I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.

When was the last time you had a financial cushion? 

>>>For someone who’s read my blog for years, wow- you really don’t know about me.  The answer is NEVER.  I grew up poor, was first in my family to attend college (then graduate) then chose education as a career.  Yeah, I know.  Big mistake.  What was I thinking?  Trying to create a better world for all?  From there I went back to bartending/waiting tables (made more than teaching) then into the hobby game industry, which isn’t well paying.  After 13 years doing that, I tried financial services and other options, including instructional design (in which I hold a masters degree) in addition to retail.  Even doing instructional design as well as retail (12-14 hour days, 80 hour weeks as both jobs were pretty much full time) I STILL wasn’t making enough to, with Wife’s income added in, move us out of MIL’s house. 

Then of course, I was tossed out in 2013, and shit’s been downhill since.

When was the last time you had a satisfying career type of employment?

>>>Satisfying doesn’t equal well paying.  I enjoyed working in books.  I enjoyed working in the game industry.  The most I EVER made was in my last year at Games Workshop: $40K/year in 2003.  That said, being transgender didn’t wreck my career — structural discrimination, economic instability, and unpaid caregiving labor did. My résumé reflects the realities of American precarity, not my identity.

Even going back to the game store or Barnes and Noble…was that why you graduated from Penn State?

>>>Games Workshop is not a “game store.”  From the GW website:

Games Workshop is the largest and the most successful hobby miniatures company in the world. Our major brands are Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000. In addition, we hold a licence for The Lord of the Rings/the Hobbit tabletop battle game. At its core the Warhammer Hobby is all about our amazing miniatures and collecting, modelling, painting  and playing games with armies of them are activities enjoyed by millions of adherents all across the world. (Games Workshop, 2025). 

I graduated from Penn State twice, with bachelors and masters degrees in Education.  Hopefully I’ll add PhD to that in 2026.  So, no.  But few people work in the field that they ‘graduated’ in. 

I guess I’m now speaking as your own self talk…

>>>  No, my self-talk is FAR nastier.  Usually includes the words “useless”, “worthless”, and “stupid.” 

….but is it a surprise that you’re always depressed?  The black out on your facebook profile can’t exclusively be because Penn State shit the bed this year.

>>>  Depression comes from many sources.  Let’s look at ten.  Ones in bold are ones that apply here. 

Altered serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine systems play a major role.  Chronic depression is partly inherited. (Cui, X. et al. 2022).

Early Life Trauma.  Strong associations with childhood emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.  (Nelson, J. et al., 2023).

Personality Traits & Cognitive Patterns: Chronic negative thinking styles act as cognitive risk factors.  (Beck, A. et al., 2021).

Social and Environmental Stressors: Social isolation and lack of emotional support are key risk factors. (Monroe, S. M. et al., 2020).

Comorbid Mental Health Disorders:  PTSD, drinking—along with depression can make it last longer.  (Garakani, A. et al., 2022).

Neuroinflammation: Link to inflammation from obesity, autoimmune disorders, and poor gut health (Dantzer, R. et al., 2021).

Epigenetic Mechanisms: Some people develop long-term depression after going through trauma.  (Meaney, M. J. et al., 2020).

Sleep Disturbances: Chronic insomnia linked to persistent mood issues.  (Baglioni, C. et al., 2019).

Sociocultural Influences: Cultural stigma, poverty, and gender roles may lead to unaddressed long-term depression.  (Kirmayer, L. J. et al.,2021).

Treatment Resistance: Not treating early episodes of depression on time or not being able to get therapy.  (Rush, A. J. et al., 2020).

Wow.  Let’s take a break to breathe. 

 

Ok.  Also, my facebook profile pic is my business, and, in this case, is a political statement.

I’ve worried about you for a long time, you really don’t deserve to live the way you are.

>>>  Thank you.

Your sphere of influence sincerely attempts to accommodate your chosen identity because they don’t want to be disrespectful, but everyone else sees you as a carnival side show attraction. People intrinsically feel sorry for you, is that the life you want?

>>>  Really?  Let’s take a poll, shall we?  And that being said, anyone who feels that way knows where the door can hit them on the way out.  As for feeling sorry, I can’t control how other people feel.  That took me decades to figure out.  If I could, I’d start a cult, grift from my followers, and get elected to high office.  Oh wait- that’s already been done. 

And again- I didn’t CHOOSE to be transgender.  I don’t WANT to be transgender.  But I am.  So I’m playing the hand I’m dealt.  The other option was to fold.  The life I want is not an option.  Probably never was.  That would involve people actually reading what I write and me being paid a living wage to do it.  Neither of which is gonna happen.

What would happen if you walked away from the culture of victim status? Face it, your community supports you because they all share the same fantasy. They don’t want to give it up anymore than you do.

>>>  *cracks knuckles*  Right.  Fantasy?  Being transgender isn’t a fantasy.  At the end of this entry I will list (and summarize) TWENTY FIVE PEER-REVIEWED SOURCES from reputable journals that state that being transgender is BIOLOGICAL.  Not a lifestyle.  Not a fantasy.  Seriously- why would ANYONE want to be transgender?  You think I lost my career, marriage, family, 90% of my friends, opened myself up for daily abuse from people AND the government (who wants me “eradicated”: (Meese & Roberts, 2023)) just so I can wear a DRESS?  Wow… just wow.  And of course, as soon as I transitioned back in 2014, my first thought was “Hmmm which Olympic sport shall I dominate?”

Also, give up?  There is no “giving [this] up.”  See: biological, above. 

You don’t have that many years left, don’t waste them by contributing to the bullshit that is trans ideology. I find it hard to believe that you could be more miserable than you have been while perpetuating this lie.

>>>”Bullshit.” “Lie.”  Again, see the scientific sources I cite.  Can you bring anything to refute them?  What?  Tucker Carlson?  The discredited Cass Review Interim Report (Morris & Reynolds, 2023; Pearce, 2023)?  Eighth grade biology class? 

As for being miserable- I was miserable living a lie all my life.  I may not be happy now, but I’m at peace.  I’ll take it.  What makes me miserable is that people believe all the bullshit and lies being spouted by people who have nothing but hate to peddle and who don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about. 

Actual, real love exists for you. It really does.

>>> Yes.  She’s my daughter.

 All the support groups from Keystone or Renaissance on down aren’t more than corner bars with drunks supporting everyone else’s excessive drinking.

>>> “Drinking buddies in dresses.”  Yeah, hard to argue that in many cases.  But Renaissance is dry.  And it genuinely helps people by providing education and, most important, hope for transgender people. 

You don’t deserve the misery you’ve been living with for SO long. Really.

“Deserve’s got nothing to do with it” (to quote an Eastwood movie.)  I agree.  Life is far harder when you’re poor — materially, medically, socially — regardless of identity

I genuinely wonder why you “read [my] blog for years” if you believe that being transgender is bullshit?  Do you like my tits THAT much?    Seriously.  Why?  I can’t believe that my words are THAT compelling.  I mean, if they were, wouldn’t I have a publishing contract?  A job that pays a living wage? 

Random Penn State picture is random

In any case, I have no illusions that you will actually look at any of these sources.  Or consider the arguments.  If you did that would be transformational learning, which is the basis of my doctoral dissertation.  Y’know, about anti-transgender hate.  And possible educational solutions. 

Like this.

 

Be well.

Sources

Baglioni, C., Battagliese, G., Feige, B., Spiegelhalder, K., Nissen, C., Voderholzer, U., ... & Riemann, D. (2019). Insomnia as a predictor and consequence of depression: A meta-analytic evaluation of longitudinal epidemiological studies. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 43, 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2018.10.005

Beck, A. T., Dozois, D. J. A., & Clark, D. A. (2021). Cognitive vulnerability and the persistence of depression. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 45(4), 612–627. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-021-10208-7

Cui, X., Zhang, Y., Li, W., & Chen, H. (2022). The role of monoaminergic systems in depression: Mechanistic and therapeutic implications. Journal of Affective Disorders, 308, 148–157. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2022.04.003

Dantzer, R., Cohen, S., Russo, S. J., & Dinan, T. G. (2021). Inflammation and chronic depression: Mechanisms and implications. Nature Reviews Immunology, 21(5), 319–332. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41577-021-00532-3

Garakani, A., Martinez, J. M., & Ginsberg, D. L. (2022). The comorbidity of anxiety disorders and chronic depression. Psychiatry Research, 313, 114579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114579

Kirmayer, L. J., Narasiah, L., & Munoz, M. (2021). Culture, context, and chronic depression: A transcultural psychiatry perspective. Transcultural Psychiatry, 58(3), 234–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634615211013214

Meaney, M. J., Szyf, M., & McEwen, B. S. (2020). Epigenetic mechanisms of stress and depression. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 283–305. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095514

Meese, E. H. III, & Roberts, P. (Eds.). (2023). Mandate for leadership: The conservative promise – Project 2025. The Heritage Foundation. https://www.project2025.org

Monroe, S. M., Slavich, G. M., & Gotlib, I. H. (2020). Life stress and chronic depression: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 78, 101854. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101854

Morris, S. E., & Reynolds, R. (2023). Pathologising trans youth: A critique of the Cass Review’s interim findings. BMJ Global Health, 8(9), e012345. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjgh-2023-012345

Nelson, J. G., Heller, S. S., & Chung, W. (2023). Childhood trauma and its long-term impact on chronic depression. JAMA Psychiatry, 80(5), 411–420. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2023.0480

Pearce, R. (2023). The Cass Review and the trans moral panic: A sociological perspective. The Sociological Review, 71(5), 987–1002. https://doi.org/10.1177/00380261231123456

Rush, A. J., Trivedi, M. H., & Wisniewski, S. R. (2020). Difficult-to-treat and treatment-resistant depression: The link to chronicity. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(7), 630–646. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2020.19090943

Web Sources:

Games Workshop Group PLC. (2025). Our history. https://investor.games-workshop.com/our-history

 

PEER REVIEWED SOURCES ABOUT TRANSGENDER BIOLOGICAL BASIS

Biology, Neuroscience, and Genetics of Gender Identity

1. Zhou et al. (1995). Sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality. Nature, 378, 68–70. DOI

Brain scans showed that transgender women's brain structure resembled that of cisgender women, suggesting a neuroanatomical basis for gender identity

2. Rametti et al. (2011). White matter microstructure in transgender men. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 45(7), 949–954.

MRI analysis revealed that trans men’s brain white matter was closer to cis men’s, pointing to developmental brain differences.

3. Hare et al. (2009). Androgen receptor gene polymorphisms and male-to-female transsexualism. Biological Psychiatry, 65(1), 93–96.

Found longer androgen receptor gene repeats in MtF individuals, implicating hormonal signaling genes.

4. Bao & Swaab (2011). Sexual differentiation of the human brain: relation to gender identity. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology. Link

Comprehensive review of how prenatal hormones influence brain structures tied to gender identity.

5. Roselli (2018). Neurobiology of gender identity and sexual orientation. Journal of Neuroendocrinology. PDF

Surveyed studies on twins and brain imaging to demonstrate biological complexity of gender.

6. Savic (2023). The neurobiology of gender identity and gender dysphoria. Principles of Gender-Specific Medicine. Link

Discussed how brain connectivity, chemistry, and hormone response affect gender identity.

7. Kiyar et al. (2020). Neuroscience in transgender people: an update. Neuroforum. Link

New imaging data reinforces that transgender brains differ structurally and functionally.

8. Ristori et al. (2020). Brain sex differences and gender identity. International Journal of Molecular Sciences. Link

Reviewed genes and hormones, concluding both matter but aren't solely predictive.

9. Batista & Oliveira (2024). The genetics and hormonal basis of human gender identity. Archives of Endocrinology and Metabolism. PDF

Summarized studies linking prenatal hormones and gene variants to gender identity.

10. Klink & Den Heijer (2013). Genetic aspects of gender identity development. Springer Book Chapter. PDF

Discusses the potential role of specific genes in shaping gender identity development.

---

🧪 Endocrinology & Hormone Therapy

11. Hembree et al. (2017). Endocrine treatment of gender-dysphoric persons. J Clin Endocrinol Metab, 102(11), 3869–3903.

Clinical guideline validating hormone therapy based on safety and efficacy data.

12. Wiik et al. (2018). Hormonal effects in transgender individuals (GETS study). Contemporary Clinical Trials. Link

Study tracking biological and mental changes during hormone therapy.

13. Foreman, Hare, York (2019). Genetic link between gender dysphoria and hormone signaling. JCEM. PDF

Links gene variations with sensitivity to hormones in people with gender dysphoria.

14. Wolf-Gould & Safer (2025). Biological foundations of gender identity. Torrossa Digital Library.

Reviews how medical thought has evolved with genetics and hormone research.

15. Turban et al. (2020). Gender-affirming hormones and mental health outcomes. PLOS ONE, 15(1). Link

Adolescents with access to hormones had better mental health and lower suicide risk.

🧬 Psychological and Developmental Aspects

16. Olson et al. (2016). Mental health of transgender children supported in their identities. Pediatrics, 137(3). DOI

Affirmed trans children had similar anxiety/depression levels as cisgender peers.

17. Erickson-Schroth (2013). Update on the biology of transgender identity. J Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Emphasizes interplay between hormones, brain development, and environment.

18. Kreukels, Steensma, De Vries (2014). Gender dysphoria and DSD. Springer Book. PDF

Explores overlaps and clinical challenges in treating gender and intersex diagnoses.

19. Boucher & Chinnah (2020). Gender dysphoria and brain development. Adolescent Health, Medicine & Therapeutics. Link

Links genetic and hormonal influences on brain structure to identity development.

20. Sari et al. (2024). Neurobiology of sexual identity development. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar. PDF

Highlights how stress, epigenetics, and neurobiology shape sexual identity.

---

📚 Reviews & Ethical Debates

21. Defant (2025). Reevaluating gender-affirming care. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. PDF

A critical view of medical transition practices, especially detransitioning cases.

22. Levin et al. (2023). Biological studies of transgender identity: A critical review. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health. Link

Argues evidence is not yet robust for some biological claims, urges caution.

23. Dutton & Madison (2021). Physiological and psychological masculinization theory. Sexuality Research & Social Policy. PDF

Suggests mismatched hormonal/psychological masculinization contributes to dysphoria.

24. Savic et al. (2022). Sexual differentiation of the human brain and identity. Neuroscience in the 21st Century. [Springer]

Details how various brain regions develop differently by gender and orientation.

25. Fernández et al. (2025). Biological evidence in gender identity. Anales de Pediatría. Link

Integrates genetics, brain scans, and hormone studies into a coherent model.

 

What?  Are you expecting an after credits scene? 

What Tom Said

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."  (Jefferson, Thomas, Declaration of Independence, 1776)

MAGA wants to, based solely upon my identity, deprive me of my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness- preferably in that order.  If they can't kill transgender women, they'll jail us.  If they can't jail us, they'll make our lives miserable.  

 Last Monday

It's Snorton's transnecropolitics writ large.  We have value to MAGA for two things: money makers and as "the enemy."  Fascism requires an enemy to "rescue" the people from.  With MAGA, it's brown people and it's transgender women.  Also, the Enemy is necessary for fundraising.  "Look at these horrible things!  Only WE can save you- if you send money!" 

Will transgender women still be the primary target after (not if) they overturn Obergefell v. Hodges?  

"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

We fought for these ideals we shouldn't settle for less"

(Miranda, Lin-Manuel, Cabinet Meeting #1, Hamilton, 2015)

Later in that same referenced paragraph, Jefferson writes "That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it..." (ibid.)

The current regime doesn't care about poll results or opinions.  They care about power and money- the more the better.  They also don't care about protests- except for target practice.  

So, what can be done?  Unless the military remembers their oath and disobeys unlawful orders (or removes the problem from office), I don't know.  

Thomas Paine wrote "The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind" (Common Sense, 1776).

As this country falls into Russia influenced fascism, what can the world do?  No democracy is safe.  None.  Anywhere.

What a time to be alive.  

March of Questions

The cold rain falls here in State College, flutily trying to cleanse the Earth.  Evil has gripped the US.  It was on full display the other night during a televised speech to Congress.

Rainy days always make me reflective.  Perhaps rain are the tears of God or the dead.  Perhaps they are a metaphor for renewal and life, as water evaporates, rise, condenses, falls back to Earth just to eventually evaporate again.  

Wow.  Corny metaphors... and I'm not even drunk.

In any case, In the past week, people asked me questions that really gave me pause.  I figure writing them down would help me think through and process my answers.  You lucky people.

Recent pic

The first was asked  to me by a co-worker the other day, then by a therapy student last night:  What would healing look like for you?

This first came up during a discussion about Justice.  My coworker (who is against carceral state) believes that punishment doesn't help the victim at all.  My counter-point was "so the perpetrator just commits a crime, and gets away with it?"  Their point was that these are two separate issues- that society cares more about punishment than restoring the victim.  The coworker was once the victim of a hideous crime (I'm not at liberty to say what) while living in Hong Kong, and said that the first thing the authorities there did was to help them recover from the crime.  (yes, the perp was caught and punished.)  Hence the question. 

My answer: Wow.  I really have no idea. I've lost so much and have the scars to prove it. Move to a different house with Wife and daughter and live as a family again?  (and drag Linda along as well.)  The issue here is that if someone comforts me (like says "I'm proud of you), I don't believe them.  It bounces off my armor and doesn't get through (just like compliments.)  I've thought of this for a couple of days... am I beyond healing?  I mean- there's no way to have my years restored to me.  Apologies, while helpful, don't restore.  The "plate is still broken" so to speak.  

Of course, I could just let go of the past, and all the Pain.  But that Pain defines me- drives me.  

Without the experiences that caused the Pain (and other experiences) that make me who I am, for good or for ill.  That Pain gave me my drive and passion for justice.  Would justice on those who hurt me long ago bring me healing?  Not now.  Justice must be swift to be helpful.  That said, there are some graves that it would me great pleasure to, ahem, defecate upon.  

This is a question I need to really consider.  A lot.  

I thought of the second the other night while watching Casablanca.  That's a movie about many things, with regret being a major theme.  I thought about the losses I've endured- the many regrets I've piled up in my life.  Then I asked myself: Is it worse to regret something you did or something you did not do?

I posted the question on facialbook and received some good answers.

My answer: Something I did NOT do.  It's the hell of "what if."  When I regret something I did, I at least tried and found an outcome.  For example: I transitioned, and the following happened: blah blah.  I maintain that those results are better than wondering where my life would've been had not transitioned, but still wanted to.  If that makes sense.  (I already know what the alternative to transition would've been: death.)  

The third question was asked to me at a presentation I frequently do here at PSU: it's a brief LGBTQ 101, followed by the stories of the presenters, then a Q&A.  Usually the audience are undergrads, as we (me and the other presenters) are invited to speak to classes by the professors.  An F2M person (they told me) asked me the following:  What is your favorite part of being a woman?

In my eleven years of presenting about transgender issues, no one has EVER asked me that.  A question I get frequently is "What do you miss about being a man?"  (I usually steal Jennifer Finney Boylan's answer to that: "Pockets.")  Yet never the opposite.  The student said they couldn't imagine wanting any part of being female.  I get it- that's dysphoria.  

The answer I eventually gave was the 'permission' to feel and express emotions.  Guys really aren't allowed to do that lest they be accused of being "gay."  (Masculinity is a rigid, narrow course.)  Now, if I wish, I can cry, laugh, express all the emotions I wish.  After all, there's no 'restrictions' on women for expressing emotions.  Also, the estrogen allows me to feel more emotions.  There are emotions I experience that I can't even name.  (Did I install an emotion chip?)

In any case, all three are questions I need to keep considering.  If nothing else, to take my mind off the hell on earth that MAGA has made the world.

Be well.

58 and 11

As I write this, it's mid September.  Long time readers know that I hate September more than Green Day does.  I was thrown out from my family very late August (that counts), I last saw Lisa Empanada in September, and she died Sept 17.  Then there was the funeral. All of these events were in 2013: eleven years ago.  But there's another reason I hate September that repeats every year so far- my birthday, which this year fell on a Friday.  Friday the 13th.  Insert joke here.  Oh, in case you're interested, I was born on a Tuesday, not Friday, despite my bad luck.  

Friday, September 13, 2024

I'm now 58, a fact I don't hide.  So many don't get this far (Lisa was 52.)  I don't deserve to be this age.  I planned to exit quietly when I turned 50, and a few times before that (like when I was 24.) I absolutely wanted to drink myself to death before I was thirty.  

What have I accomplished this past year?

Absolutely nothing.  

I am still at the exact same point in my PhD studies now as I was at this time last year (I wrote about that here.)  In fact, with the exception of a presentation I did on LGBTQ history at Penn State, I haven't written anything aside from the occasional blog entry and a sparse amount in writing notebooks.  I've sat in front of my computer, staring at the IRB screen for hours, blankly.  I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, or hugging a pillow for dear life.  I no longer have hobbies.  My therapist no longer takes my insurance.  I spent Christmas night in the Emergency room in agony.  No more gall bladder.  Over $10,000 in medical debt.  A Group of coworkers turned me down for a job for which I was very qualified (and, when I re-applied after the job was re-posted, HR said I "wasn't qualified.")  Oh, and 45 has a very real chance of winning the election and implementing his fascistic "Project 2025" which will mean suffering and death for many, including people like me. (Yes, I've read the whole 900+ pages- and I urge you to do so as well.)

Ok, but as several people I know would say- let's look at the positive.  I received a fellowship which covered fall tuition.  That helped.  As a last resort, I started a GoFundMe for my debt which raised almost $5,000.  That didn't cover everything but combined with settling up payment plans, it made the medical debt almost manageable.  Using the fellowship, I was able to purchase student insurance that covers so much more than what I had previously- including dental, which means I can get long needed dental work.  I've lost over thirty pounds which put me back into pre-diabetic stage (and means I can fit in a few things again.)  I saw Wife and daughter this weekend, and we had a nice lunch.  

So it is, the positive and negative.  

I often wonder what Lisa would be like today, had she lived until now.  Would she be happy?  Would she be at peace?  What would she think of the world today, and the situation people like us face?  What  would she think of me now, and who I have become?  

Lisa and Ally (who posted this pic), undated.

Obviously, no one will ever know the answers.  Tuesday will mark eleven years since Lisa was found.  For nearly all that time, Lisa's earthly self has resided in various urns and small amounts of ash scattered at various locations.  Those who knew her can only guess, wonder, and endure.  

Eleven years.  Yes, time has assuaged some of pain.  Time does that- it's one of the few favors it allows.  There is still, and will always be, an empty part of my soul, and what is left of my heart.  That part was ripped away when she decided to die.  She died alone, as she planned, with none to stop her.  

This week, I remember Lisa, and also cope with age- something she never had to do.  

Be well.

To Run or...?

As my readers know, I follow politics closely.  I have to, as it seems that so few are paying attention.  For example, as I've posted here, on TG Forum, and on facialbook:

The GOP made clear its plans "Eradication" (see Project 2025, also CPAC march 2023), Trump said "On day one, I will sign a new executive order to cut federal funding for any school pushing critical race theory, transgender insanity, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content onto the lives of our children" (TPUSA speech, June 15, 2024)  

Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 625 bills (47 passed) and we’re only 1/2 through the year. (https://translegislation.com/)...

A careful reading of Project 2025 states intent: 

Project 2025 wants to label our very existence as ‘pornographic’ and threatening to children, which to them is punishable by execution.

“Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection. Its purveyors are child predators and misogynistic exploiters of women. Their product is as addictive as any illicit drug and as psychologically destructive as any crime.  Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders [emphasis mine]. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” (Project 2025, p.5)

 “[The next conservative Administration] should also pursue the death penalty for applicable crimes—particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children [emphasis mine]—until Congress says otherwise through legislation. [footnote referenced]”. (p. 554).

Oh, what does the footnote say? “This could require seeking the Supreme Court to overrule Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008), in applicable cases, but the department should place a priority on doing so.” (p. 576)

554 U.S. 407 reads “Sentencing a defendant to death for any crime other than homicide or crimes against the state is unconstitutional per se under the Eighth Amendment.” (“Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008)”)

So... Eradication.  45 is currently leading in polls thanks to an "assassination attempt."  (Sorry- I'm not buying it- I believe it was staged.)  If he wins, the US becomes a dictatorship.  The GQP has already declared its plans (see above.)  

Would I be "safe" in a college town?  Would my door be kicked in at 2 am some night?  Or will Linda or me be pulled over and arrested for being ourselves?  I really don't know.  After all Penn State is a tiny Blue dot in an ocean of Red.  Once one leaves State College, Cult flags, signs, bumper stickers, hats, and tattoos are very common.  

So... should I leave?

With my cousins in Glasgow, Scotland, 2018.

I've explored fleeing to the UK.  I'm eligible for dual citizenship, as my mum and her side of the family are/were British subjects.  There are many hoops to jump through, but it's do-able.  Or I could ask for Political Asylum.  Is the UK ideal?  No- it has its problems, especially with TERFs.  But the UK hasn't said people like me are sex offenders to be "eradicated."

And, should I leave, how long would it be before I see Wife and Daughter again?  I've already missed so much of Daughter's life- fleeing means I'd miss years more.  Wife and Daughter are my life.  

Then there's the issue of Linda.  If she's to come with me (as I hope she would) she will need her passport, which takes time.  That's IF she wants to come along.  As she's not full time, she might be safe.  Might.  

My studies?  I could do that anywhere- including overseas if necessary.  For example, I could/would mov back to SEPa (to be closer to Wife and Daughter) if I thought I had a prayer of finding a job back there.  But, as experience has shown me, I don't- so I haven't.  Besides, Linda and I both HATE moving.  (Going overseas would entail leaving almost everything behind.)

Then there's another issue.  I read a LOT of books about the Maquis and the French Resistance in WW2.  Some of them fled France, only to return later as Allied operatives, trained by British and US intelligence (Jedburghs is one of the names of this program.)  Let's face it- I'm too old and broken for military training, and being obviously transgender means I don't blend in.  So, if I leave, it's for the duration.

I know people who fled from middle eastern countries due to dictatorships- people who fought for the freedom of these countries.  Their choice was to come to the US, survive, and continue their work here in some manner.  

But I Love my country.  Like so many others, I would die for it. Is it better to stay and fight the fascists at my age, probably disappear into a camp or jail somewhere, or to flee, live, an agitate from abroad?   Where could I do the most to help transgender people who are like myself and people dear to me? 

I have several friends who have already made plans to relocate to Mexico, Canada, or even Australia.  Such a move (like to the UK) would cost money I don't have.  Heck, I'm far behind in my bills and we literally have one day of food left in the apartment with no money to get more.  How would I afford to emigrate- even, say, to Canada, which is only a four-hour drive away (to the Peace Bridge, anyway)?  

Another question is this: should the US become a fascist Christian Nationalist theocratic oligarchy (which is what Project 2025 documents,) how long would it be before the Constitution is restored?  45 can't live forever, that's true, but he has sons to whom he could pass power, or to hand-picked (and/or Putin appointed) sycophantic successors.  The last time the world faced such a dictatorship, it cost 6 years and a conservative estimate of 85 MILLION lives to dislodge- most of those deaths due to genocide- and that was BEFORE nuclear weapons threatened global annihilation.  And if 45 wins, the button triggering those weapons would be in the hands of a madman.  

So, dear reader, I ask: what would YOU do in my shoes?  Stay? Go? 

Be well.

Letter to PA Rep Chrissy Houlahan, (D) PA 6th District

Today I received an email from Rep. Chrissy Houlahan, (D: PA6) who represents my former home of Phoenixville (where Wife and Daughter still live.)  It was all about Pride and Juneteenth and how happy she was to celebrate both. 

Me with then newly elected Congresswoman Houlahan, Nov 2018.

In reply, I sent the following letter:

****************************************************************************

Dear Congresswoman Houlahan,  

In an email sent 6/21/2024, you wrote:

This month, we've been able to celebrate that diversity in so many ways, and I want to highlight it here for you all! 

And yet, transgender people (especially transgender women) are still being targeted by bigoted laws and violence.  Remember the T part of that acronym?  Well, we need help- desperately.

 

The GOP made clear its plans "Eradication" (see Project 2025, also CPAC march 2023),  Trump said "On day one, I will sign a new executive order to cut federal funding for any school pushing critical race theory, transgender insanity, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content onto the lives of our children" (TPUSA speech, June 15, 2024)  

Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 602 bills (42 passed) and we’re only 1/2 through the year. (https://translegislation.com/)

 

The night you were first elected, I met you at the victory party, as I worked on Rep. Shusterman's campaign.  I said "Transgender people need help.  Can you help us?"  And you said you would.  You may not remember this, but I do.  So I ask: what have YOU done?  Specifically.  (I already know the answer.)  In fact, the one picture I've attached shows me saying that to you (by coincidence.)  

 

I know I am just one person from a small minority of voters, but we NEED help.  NOW.  A careful reading of Project 2025 states intent: 

 Project 2025 wants to label our very existence as ‘pornographic’ and threatening to children, which to them is punishable by execution.

 “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection. Its purveyors are child predators and misogynistic exploiters of women. Their product is as addictive as any illicit drug and as psychologically destructive as any crime.  Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders [emphasis mine]. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” (Project 2025, p.5)

 “[The next conservative Administration] should also pursue the death penalty for applicable crimes—particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children [emphasis mine]—until Congress says otherwise through legislation. [footnote referenced]”. (p. 554).

Oh, what does the footnote say? “This could require seeking the Supreme Court to overrule Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008), in applicable cases, but the department should place a priority on doing so.” (p. 576)

554 U.S. 407 reads “Sentencing a defendant to death for any crime other than homicide or crimes against the state is unconstitutional per se under the Eighth Amendment.” (“Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008)”)

 

Congresswoman Houlahan, I'm studying anti-transgender hate for my PhD dissertation at Penn State.  I follow what the GOP and associated hate groups (Heritage Foundation, Focus on the Family, etc) have done and are doing.  I'm terrified.  

 

I ask again:  PLEASE HELP US!

 

Yours, 

 (sign off)

********************************************************************

I don't expect an answer, or, if one comes, it'll be a form letter or a letter asking for donations.  If anything else comes, I'll let you know, dear reader.

As Maddow says: "Watch this space."

(Note: the Representative for State College is GT Thompson who is MAGA to the core, and attended his gay son’s wedding THREE DAYS after opposing protections for same-sex marriage.  Writing to him would be a waste of time.)

Be well.