Forum Redux

On April 30- May 3, 2026, I once again was onstage in a production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  This time it was with the Sock and Buskin theatre company.  And once again, I played a courtesan, but this time I was Gymnasia- and I got a line!!!  (Where's my SAG card?)

Gymnasia in costume.

Auditions were back in February.  I auditioned for three parts, with my preference being Gymnasia.  They asked me if I would consider a fourth (Marcus Lycus.)  In the end, I got the role I wanted- and the people who got the other roles were all brilliant.  

Gymnasia: "a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be played". Funny thing was, I wasn't even the tallest courtesan!

So there I was, sitting in a community room of an all but dead mall (with far more elderly walkers than shoppers.)  Around me were people I'd never met and didn't know- yet we were going to attempt creating something special together.  It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but it had been years.  

I didn't know these people, but I was determined not to fail them.  

And over the next few months we would sing, dance, improvise, and laugh like crazy people.  We were given a lot of latitude in creating our characters within the bounds of the story.  My ideas for Gymnasia were either a stereotypical "gym rat" or a dominatrix.  The choreographer thought Gymnasia should be like a drag queen.  Great- have the transgender woman play a drag queen.  

In the end the director sided with the dominatrix idea.  I had some ideas for my costuming, but was restricted by budget- both mine and theirs.  I volunteered to use my corset and offered to use a riding crop instead of the whip that was suggested.

My concept (rendered by AI)

I was also the only "rejected" courtesan to have a line.  Yes, I had a line this time!  The last time I played a courtesan, I was Tintinabula- the first of the "rejected" courtesans who dances for Pseudolus and Hero. The joke was that I can't dance.  And that joke landed well.  But did I get laughs because I was " a guy in a dress" or due to my bad dancing?  

As Tintinabula first time around.  2019.

I'll never really know.  

So we practiced endless repetitions of the opening and closing numbers.  Again and again.  Good thing- I kept screwing it up.  Eventually I managed to get it right.  

And know what?  The harmonies were a lot better than I expected.  Joe, the director, had directed on Broadway (and now teaches at Penn State) so worked with us little by little until it was right.  

During those months, I worked with Jonathan, the guy playing Pseudolus (for the third time!) on our interactions together.  In the play, he falls for Gymnasia.  

I also made several of the props, most of which got used.  I asked for a prop credit, but didn't get it.  Sigh.  One of the wine bottles I made for my first Forum show- I took it out of storage.  The luggage box was an endive crate which I "aged" and created fake travel stickers for.  Thats one of my old bras sticking out of it.  Pandora's Box is a hat box I painted like distressed leather.  The martini glass is a tribute to an MST3K episode.  Most props had an inside joke or three that the audience wouldn't see, but the cast might.  Some they did- some they didn't.

Eventually we moved into our venue: a large wedding reception shed in the middle of nowhere.  There we perfected the routines as best we could.  And after 3 or 4 rehearsals a week for nearly three months, it was showtime!

Exotic locations.  I drew these out and had AI finish them.  

My character's look evolved over time as well. As I sweat a LOT, I knew I'd need a wig.  I tried one of my old ones to see if I would sweat too much.  I didn't.  The amazing and legendary Amanda Richards sent me a wig to use (Thanks Amanda!).  First I tried it in a ponytail.  I looked like Golda Meir.  Then my roomie and bestie Linda not only teased the wig- she got downright sadistic with it.  It was a look that my castmates called "Phyllis Diller."  My first makeup with the wig (last dress rehearsal) went a little too drag, so I refined it over the shows, again with Linda's help.

We did four shows.  I know we sold out at least once, and got great reviews.  And four standing ovations!  

Then we tore down the stage, moved the stuff back to the mall or storage... and it was over.  That familiar feeling of emptiness knowing that for a time I was part of something- that I helped many others create something fun.  Now, nothing. The cast party is at the end of the month.  If my past shows are any indication, I'll rarely see my castmates again after that.  That said, I was older than most of them and then there's that whole trans thing.  

Courtesans (final night)

Still, they seemed to accept me.  And we had fun.  I enjoyed their company.  Oh how we laughed!  

There's auditions next week for another show by Sock and Buskin.  Maybe I'll audition.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'll wait for the next one.  But I don't see how it could top this experience.  

Thanks to Sock & Buskin for allowing me to share a stage with such amazing people.  I'll miss you all!

Final show finale

Solstice Scribblings

As I type this, the sun has set on the shortest day of the year.  This entry will be a mish mash of bits I've written over the past few months, some stuff I'm just typing in randomly, and whatever I feel like.  Call it a "clip show" if you will, but without Commander Riker.  

Bonus tribbles for anyone who gets that reference.

I dolled up last weekend.

Anyway, as I mentioned, today is the winter solstice, also known as Hibernal solstice, and, to my friends of the Goddess: Yule.  The Yule celebration is where we in the US get most of our Xmas traditions.  I think I wrote about that once.  Oh yeah- HERE it is!  As to those friends:

"Wishing you blessings this yuletide and every day. This Yule, may you and yours enjoy the blessings of the season and the joy of rebirth. As the light is reborn this winter solstice, may your heart lift with the joy of new beginnings and nature's blessings."

I forget where I dug that up, but I like it.  I didn't write it.  Cut and Paste is your friend.

I'd love to report incredible progress on my PhD but nope.  Still stalled.  Still my fault.  Same reasons, really.  Depression.  Imposter syndrome.  In an effort to kick my ass into gear, I decided to apply for a post doc kinda thing.  

The good news is that I had a class with Dr. Hil Malatino, who is in charge of this.  The bad news is that I also had a class with one of the other professors on the team during my first semester of my PhD studies, and, well, we didn't see eye-to eye.  In any case, I spent several days updating my CV, filled out the application (which included two essay questions of at least 500 words) and submitted it last night.  Do I have a prayer of getting it?  Doubtful- especially since I don't have my PhD yet.  But I COULD have it by August if I get my ass in gear.  So there's that.

As I showed above, I dolled up a few times this month.  I guess I just wanted to feel something.  Maybe it was because it felt so good dressing up for the reunion.  A big reason was that I've lost a lot of weight due to Ozempic and diet change (diabetes sucks), and I was going through my closet trying on things I stopped wearing because I was too fat.  I found several including my jeans!  Another reason I dolled up was because I kept practicing with false eyelashes.  Again and again.  Eventually, I was successful.  So, I dolled up to celebrate.

Look at what I did!

Another piece I fit into was my fave purple sweater.  

Bathroom selfie!

So that was a good thing since my last blog entry.  

Xmas is next week.  Wednesday in fact.  I won't see Wife or Daughter that day, but I may see them on Monday.  I hope so. 

What else is going on?  The usual end of semester money woes which mean trips to the food bank.  Added to that was the fact that my roomie/bestie Linda was sick for 5 weeks and out of work.  My income barely cuts it when both of us work, so that was crippling.  To distract myself from concentrating on that and spiraling deeper into my usual holiday depression, I decided to help a Vampire bride.  She was in a nasty car accident, which totaled her car.  As she ran her own driving business, this is devastating.  Add to that her injuries and broken glasses... it was a stake to her heart.  Like me, she is too proud to ask for help, so I started a GoFundMe for her.  

Hopefully this link works.

Oh, why am I calling her a Vampire bride?  Because we met when we were both in Dracula together at the Forge Theatre.    (Hmmm I thought I had a pic of all four brides, but I don't.)

Two of the four Brides rehearse getting Harker all "bloody."

She has it worse than me.

Penn State won its first playoff football game at Beaver Stadium today against SMU.  It was 25 deg F with a windchill of 10 deg, which I'm guessing was far too cold for those Texans.  Also, it was a "White Out" so it was LOUD.  I didn't score tickets in the student lottery, so I watched it from my couch.  Oh, here's a bit of trivia: at PSU we say "WE ARE PENN STATE!"  This started because of our last game against SMU in 1948.  

Oh, back in July I wrote a blog entry wondering what I would do if fascism won the election.  It did.  And they've already started clamping down of TG people.  In any case, I decided what I'm going to do.  I'm staying here.  There are a few reasons.  The first is that Linda doesn't have a passport, and I won't leave without her.  Second is that I simply don't have the money to leave.  Third is that if I left, I'd feel guilty for leaving.  I can't leave and let my transgender sisters fight on without me.  I've fought all my life (and have the scars to prove it), and I won't stop now.  Fascists need to be fought.  To do any less is to dishonor everyone who fought it last time- in the 40s.  

In any case, that's all I have.  Enjoy whatever holidays you observe.  Be well.

Last Decade

I know I write about the past often.  I'm still trying to understand who I am, and why, so looking at the past is one way that I do this.  For that reason, I don't often do "year in review" things.  However, this time it's a new decade.  2020 marks the 7th decade in which I've lived.

I was born in 1966.  I only have a few vague memories of the 60s.  I remember watching the moon landing.  I remember falling down the stairs when I was two (I remember the sensation of falling and thinking "whee! I'm flying!) and breaking my arm (I don't remember that part.)

I remember the 70s.  I remember a dream from when I was three: a huge blob of living lava burned through a barn (this barn really existed, and had a huge hole in the one side, so...) Also in that dream there were a parade of brachiosauruses on the horizon, moving left to right.  Most of my childhood was the 70s.  However, it was also the decade of Star Wars, which changed my life as it did so many others.  

I began the 80s in junior high school.  I ended them as a college graduate.  In most ways that count, the 80s is when I "grew up."  Burned all my girl clothes because "men don't play dress up."  I fell into deep depression, from which I still haven't recovered.  Until recently, it was the decade of greatest change in my life.

In the 90s, I met and married my Wife.  I moved to Baltimore to work for Games Workshop.  Bought my first (and only) house.

00s... A decade of Hell.  We moved back to Pa to live with Wife's mother (MIL.)  My drinking was out of control.  Earned Masters degree.  I was angry at everything, especially myself.  I wrote a book, hoping to figure out why.  Daughter was born in 07.  Then my True self reemerged in 08 after 25 years of suppression.  Oh, and I started this blog on Myspace.

At the dawn of 2010, I was a VERY closeted cross dresser who was very confused and depressed.

I didn't know how deeply my femme self went, and I fought it as hard as I could.  In 2012, I finally stopped lying to my wife three and a half years after my "re-emergence" and told her all about Sophie. 

Also in 2012, I met a person who would affect my life profoundly: Lisa Empanada.  She was a friend and mentor, but more- she understood the Darkness in my soul, as she had it as well.

August 2012.  I was arrested for drunk driving.  I finally got help for my drinking.  I paid the price for my stupidity.

In December 2012, I decided, with Wife's consent, to start HRT.  I wasn't sure about transitioning, but heard that a low dose of estrogen helped with dysphoria.  It did.

Events escalated quickly.  I began getting more freelance work as an Instructional designer, so I was able to start paying off debts.  I also worked part time at Penn State Great Valley.  Then, in late summer of 2013,  MIL discovered I was transgender, and gave me 48 hours to move out.  Wife told me she was not coming with me, which crushed me.  I moved out on August 30, 2013. 

With Lisa at SCC

A week after I travelled to the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC), where I was "pinned in" as a sister of Vanity Club.  While there, I met someone who I didn't know would be a central figure of my life: Linda Lewis.  Lisa arrived the last day of the conference, which surprised me.  I didn't realize that this would be the last time we would ever speak. 

My birthday was September 13.  Four days later, on September 17, 2013, I was told that Lisa died of suicide.  After being thrown out, other issues, then her death, I tail-spinned into the Darkness.  I really don't know how I survived that month, and the next few. 

In late December 2013, Linda Lewis arrived from Michigan on her way to Florida.  Things fell apart while she was staying at the house where a dear friend graciously let me stay, and she stayed in Pa. 

March 2014.  I finally started living my Truth.  Lost 90% of my friends, and Instructional design calls stopped.

June 2014.  Linda and I found an apartment together, soon to be joined by Zoey, without whom we would've been homeless. 

June 2015, Linda and I moved to Phoenixville (Zoey previously moved back to Iowa) where I was closer to Wife and daughter. 

Cast of Dracula, 2019

November 2016.  The election puts a maniac in charge of our country.  Hate crimes against minorities, including transgender people, rise dramatically.  The end of the American experiment is a real possibility.

February 2017.  I made my stage debut as Sophie in the Vagina Monologues.  Sold out show. 

February 2018.  I lost my book store job after 14 years.  I was unemployed, except for odd jobs and Lyft, for over a year.  I felt absolutely worthless.

May 2018.  I travelled to the UK to reconnect with family and myself. 

January 2019.  I played a Maid in a local production of Dracula.  Sold out run. 

June 2019.  I played the courtesan Tintinabula in a local production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  It will be my last play for a long time, as I have no time while studying.

August 2019: Linda and I moved to Penn State so I could begin my PhD studies in Adult and Continuing Education, after being accepted in March.

Linda and I in State College, 2019

Now it's January 2020.  I'm in my apartment in State College.  The new semester starts in a week.  How would I summarize the last decade?

Pain. 

Worst decade of my life. 

So many losses.  So much Pain.  Combined with deaths, and the uncertainty of who I really was, the Darkness was (and still is) still waiting to claim me as it did Lisa.  I am far from the same person who started the decade- in fact it was a whole different life.  Seems so distant, but it wasn't that long ago.   I started the decade as a "guy" in deep Pain, 

At the dawn of a New Decade, I feel useful.  I finished my first semester of doctoral study with a 3.97.  I work as a graduate assistant for the University.  Linda is also working.  I've made some new friends, and I'm mentoring an undergraduate transgender woman (still taking her earliest steps,) but for the most part keep to myself.  The colossal amount of homework precludes a social life. 

I'm living now as I have been for the past several years: day by day.  I don't make plans.  I do what I need to do.  People come and go.  Now in State College, I'll fade from more people's lives.  That's the way of things.

Cast of Forum

I still have no Hope.  45 is still in the White House, and it seems like weekly I lose more rights simply because I was born transgender.  Money is still a struggle, so surgeries are out of the question. 

Yet, I'm doing something here that may help others.  If I can help one transgender person have an easier time in transitioning, and/or survive, then this will all be worth it.  Nice to have purpose again.

So, this new decade brings so many challenges.  May it bring all of you happiness.

Be well.

Forum

As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I was in a play: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, which ran weekends from June 7-30.  Despite all the changes and chapters in my life, I am horrible with endings. I hate them.

So many shared experiences, too many to write about- Over.

As I wrote, I played a courtesan named Tintinnabula.  I had no lines, but I had a solo dance.  A choreographer created a simple routine for me to learn, which I did, eventually.  I also ended up improvising a bit as well.  By the end, I was very comfortable with that dance.  I also made some faces and mouthed some things, some of which got laughs.  Occasionally, just my entrance, as in just appearing for my dance, caused laughter.  I guess those people saw "guy dressed as a woman dancing."  My costume was the only one that was showed cleavage, so...  Well, I was often misgendered while wearing low cut dresses when I worked at the book store, as well.  I guess breasts and cleavage aren't enough of a feminine indicator.

But that's ok.  The play was a comedy, and they were laughing, so it was a win.

The Cast

I took many pictures during the run, most of which are just for my cast-mates.  There's only one picture of me dancing (that I know of) taken during rehearsals, and it isn't flattering, so...

The play was a LOT of fun.  It was full of puns and physical humor, and the people were so much fun.  I really enjoyed my time with them.  I felt like I was part of something.  The play gave me a reason to get out of bed.  Something to look forward to doing.  We had three rehearsals a week, then a whole week of rehearsal called tech week.  Then- only the shows.  After seeing those people three times a week, it was strange not to see them until weekends.

I only knew a few of the cast when we began.  I knew one from Dracula, another from my political work, and another from 12 Angry Women.  They certainly didn't know me.  As with any group of people new to my life, I remained sort of quiet at first- listening.  Gauging.  Eventually, we would start going to karaoke together, or small gatherings.

Through the months, I opened up a bit.  I learned a lot about some of my cast mates (and not so much about others) while they learned a bit about me- well, as much as I let them.  I tended to hang out with my fellow courtesans.  I don't make friends easily- never have.  (People who've read more than a couple entries of this blog can figure that out.)  But I became close to a few of the cast.

Courtesans and "Lycus"

Let me tell you about a few of them.  No names though, as I didn't get their permissions.

-One of my cast mates is a writer.  She did a semester at Juilliard, as well as over at University of Glasgow.  She married an Englishman.  So... she attended a school in Scotland, yet married an Englishman?  (You Scottish people will get that reference.)  She was so beautiful, genuine and fun!

-Another has a masters in Social work.  She is from the Lehigh Valley, and relocated down my way.  Circumstances changed for her, yet she still stayed around.  She is gorgeous, a veteran of many shows, and sings like an angel.  We hung out a few times, and we talked about each other's lives.  She struck me as the "popular girl in school" but smart and nice.

-A third has been on stage- singing, acting, and dancing- since she was very young.  She's forgotten more about singing than I'll ever know.  Oh, and she is a Neurobiologist.  She knew that performing arts statistically wouldn't pay off, so she studied something that interested her.  She was stunning and moved so gracefully.

There were so many more great people: the award winning actress; the new dad (whose kid is about to start crawling- and any parent will tell you that's when sh*t gets real!); the music and dance major at West Chester University; a mother of four; and the city councilman.

In costume- makeup and hair stage ready

I wondered how the hell I was cast as a belly dancer- had to be a joke on me, given my weight.  At the first rehearsal after read through, the director wanted all "female and female identifying people" on one side of the room, and all men on the other.  I don't know if she caught my glare, but it made me feel VERY uncomfortable.  She never said it again, though.

As our show began, auditions and rehearsals for the next big show were held.  Most of the cast of Forum landed roles in the next production.  My cousin Lynsey from Scotland was visiting, and I was invited out to a local bar, as that's where some of my cast mates were at the time.  Turns out, they were celebrating after the first read through of the next play with people from that play.  A play for which I didn't audition as it is in September, and I will be gone.  I felt like an intruder and didn't stay long.  (Lynsey and my roomie/bestie Linda saw the play that weekend, and both loved it.  Wife and daughter did not choose to see it.)

I felt left behind.  I felt that way when all my friends left for college in August 1984, and Drexel didn't start for another month.  I was alone- missing that next step.  I'll come back to this.

Forum went very well.  We sold out most of our performances, and always got laughs- usually when we wanted them.  Our parts evolved through the shows as we figured out what worked and what didn't.  At the last show, many of the speaking cast added a bit of improv to their roles.  I added a little flair at the end of my dance which caught Pseudolus (the lead) by surprise.

As that last show wound down, my thoughts were "it's really ending.  There's only a couple of scenes left- a couple of songs... then the final number, our bows, a cast photo... and it was over.  After the audience left, we started to tear down the set.

The set, all but finished.  Houses of  (L to R) Lycus, Senex, and Erronius.

Within a couple of hours, it was gone.  I hurt my back helping with something heavy, and spent the rest of the time sweeping.  All the work, the laughs, the songs... no trace.  I went home, showered (I was a disgusting sweaty mess,) put on a different dress, and went to the Cast Party.

The cast party was held at the home of the music director's sister.  The house was huge and beautiful.  The food was wonderful.  I brought my bottle of Glenmorangie scotch, but no one would drink any with me.  I had some food, hung out a bit, and then it was time for director gifts.  Like everyone else, I received 9 chocolate gold coins (it has significance in the play.)  A member of the cast made little plaques for members of the production staff: lights, sound, director, music, set designer... but not for the person who made the props.

I didn't need a plaque.  I just wanted a public "hey, great job!  Thanks!'  A couple of people expressed that to me privately, and I received credit in the program, but, well, I was production staff too, and worked hard on those props.  What happened to those?  I gave most of them to cast members.  I kept one bottle: the "Colt 45" one.  The rest got tossed in the trash.  I don't have room for them, so...  In any case, what's done is done.

After that little gift exchange, I had a little dessert.  I finished my can of soda, said my goodbyes, and left.  The sun was beginning to set, and the quiet street had an autumnal glow to it.  I really wasn't hanging out in any of the little groups, and I knew that eventually I would break down in tears.  Which I did enroute the one mile to my apartment.

I spent most of the next day laying down; resting my sore back.  It still hurts as of this writing, two days later.

In a month and a half, I will be back in State College starting my PhD program.  My cast mates will be in other productions.  It's an extended family- all the little community theaters around here, and all of the performers jump from production to production between each place.  For them, this was just another play.  For me, it was the last.  I'll be too busy studying to do plays.

As I said- left behind.  No longer in the "circle."  I've been around the block enough times to know that once someone leaves the circle, their connection to it withers.  For example, many of my coworkers at Games Workshop were like family to me.  Now, all these years later, I hear from them on Facebook, if then.  I further left circles when I transitioned.  I know I'll hear from a couple of them occasionally- they're good people.  But our shared time ended on Sunday, and that makes me very sad.

In fact, I've been fairly depressed since that day.  More so than usual.

I'll start packing for the move this week.  It won't be real until I get to PSU.  Until then, the reality of the Play, and those wonderful people, will have to comfort me.

Tragedy Tomorrow- Comedy Tonight.

Be well.

Props and Proceedings

I haven't really posted in a while.  Like anyone cares.  In any case, I managed to get some things done.

To start with, I am in a play: A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum. In this comedy, I play a courtesan named Tintinabula.  I have no lines, but I have a solo dance.

Those who have seen me dance know why it's a comedy.

In costume

Actually, the play is extremely funny, and cast is amazing.  I'll be sorry when it ends.  Being a part of this gives a sense of belonging. 

I'm back being unemployed.  I was offered a position, but, for reasons of my own, I turned it down.  It seemed like a "high drama" zone- and I don't need any more drama. 

In any case, that has given me plenty of time.  When I was in Dracula in January, I made a few props for the play.  The director of Forum was the makeup artist for Dracula, so she knew I did that.  She asked me to do a prop or two for this play as well.  I ended up doing almost all of the props.  As I can't dance or sing, is this why I was cast?  Or is that just my depression and lack of self worth making me paranoid?  In any case, I did receive a Props credit in the program.

Making these props gave me a purpose- something to focus upon.  I've been spending my days mostly lying in bed, staring at the ceiling- paralyzed by depression and feelings of uselessness.  Some of the props took quite some time to make.  In fact, one of the people in charge started doubting my ability to finish the pieces in time.  I told her I would have them on time, and I did. 

In any case, as the play has begun, here are the pieces.

Formula 409 bottle in Latin

Contract (unfolded version)

Poster for gladiator fights: Maximus vs. Leonadis

Potions for Dummies in Latin

Back.  That's the first lines of the Hobbit in Latin

Interior

Mad Dog 20/20 in Latin

Colt 45 in Latin

"Wooden" jeweled goblet

7up in Latin

Domina bust

Domina without nose

Rolled version of contract- it never gets unrolled.

In any case, they allowed me some time to be creative.  During this time, I also painted a miniature for the first time since 2003 (which is when Games Workshop and I parted ways.)  I painted it for a friend, because the one she had (painted by someone else) was just... horrible.  Painted with house paint.  I knew that, even out of practice, I could do better.  Humble-brag- I think I did,

She chose the color scheme

So now all that is done, now what?

I guess I could paint some of the old miniatures I've had for decades.  Sell them for money.  Or just go back to lying in bed.  

In any case, random thoughts from this month:

More times than not, I cry myself to sleep.

I saw Wife and Daughter for Father's Day.  We went to dinner locally, along with Linda.  

I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for school.

When I look in the mirror, I want to break it or throw up.  I still see a guy looking back at me.

I still believe that I will not survive the Trump regime- that I'll be killed.  Nothing has happened to change my opinion.  

I whine too much.  

I'm going to bed.  

Maid in Dracula

Has it really been two weeks since it ended? Has it really been two weeks since we broke the stage down and went to the cast party? Two whole weeks since I last trod the boards, cleaned up after Lucy, and was seduced by Dracula?  Two weeks since this group parted ways, never to be all together again?

For three weekends, I was in the play Dracula, held at the Forge Theater in Phoenixville. I played a small part- a minor role to be sure- of a Maid.   However, I was also stage crew moving things on and off the stage, and I also created a couple of the props.  Oh, and took a lot of pictures.

In Costume

This whole process began back in September, when I auditioned and got the role.  I was surprised to get it- delightfully surprised.  I remember talking to people at the rehearsal, and thinking that they were all so much better than me at this.   After all I'd only been in one play as Sophie: the Vagina Monologues in 2017. In that one, I wrote my own piece.

But I made it, and I was there from the read-through all the way through the production. During that time, my part changed as I tweaked my performance, and the director gave me some tweaks as well. I had to make some of this role my own. For example, at one part I hummed a song.  I had to research a song popular in 1897, which is when the play takes place.   The song I chose was The Band Played On. I'd heard it before done by orchestras and such, but never knew what it was. I found an old recording on YouTube, and memorized it. When I first did this song, I waltzed around the stage (as it is in waltz time.)  That was a bit much, so the director said no to that.

The director was Suki.  She had previously cast some friends of mine in other plays, and was known for casting gender variant people.   That said, I was the only transgender person in this play, which was fine.  I wonder how many of the cast had previously met a transgender person?  In a way, I was an ambassador.  As usual.

On Stage.  Photo by Dave Richman

We rehearsed for months.  It was a complex play with a lot of sound and lighting affects which I had nothing to do with, but I had to know when my cues were.  Fortunately, I didn't make too many mistakes... well, at least not with my lines.

I could tell so many stories about this experience! I told a couple of them in my TG Forum column a few weeks ago.  What I can say is that the experience was absolutely magical, and I wished it could never end.  But of course, all good things do come to an end, and our final performance was a matinee Sunday two weeks ago.

The matinee was sold out, just like all of our performances.  Yes, we sold out all eight of them, which is a very good record for January (especially for non-musical in that theater.) So I'm told.

Renfield's Chair, which I modified and hand painted.

Props I made/painted.  The words on the bottle mean "Good sh*t" in Mongolian

I met many wonderful people, some of whom had become dear friends.  I must admit that most of them intimidated me from the read through on through most of the production.  Some of them were very talented actors- Theater majors and such.   They had years and so many plays behind them on their resume, and all I had was one.  In particular one woman really intimidated me- one of the stars: Sandy.

Sandy is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and an amazing actress.   I was sure that she acted for a living, but as it turns out she doesn't.  I didn't speak much to her, then again I really didn't speak much to anyone, aside from making my usual bad jokes, you know, to cover my nervousness and insecurities, but almost everyone was so nice to me- even knowing I am transgender.   As it turns out, Sandy was as nice as she is beautiful.  I wish I could have spoken up a little earlier and gotten to know her better.

Again, almost all of the cast were extremely nice. The woman playing Mina, Safiyyah, was the youngest person in the cast, and she was so incredibly talented.  I wouldn't have guessed by the way she played that role that she wasn't a graduate of a theater program.  She isn't- in fact she still a college student and not a theater major.

Cast Photo 

They show featured to Dracula's and older version and a younger version both of them were theater veterans and both of them were absolutely fantastic. The younger one, Matt Lake, is also an author. He wrote Weird Pennsylvania.   Loren played the older Dracula, and he was full of fun tales of plays and jobs that he'd had pretty much all over the world, but especially the UK.  As Matt is from Birmingham in the UK, they had a lot to talk about.

Dracula's brides were the Vixens, and there were four of them.  I had to say that I think I became closest to two of those Vixens maybe because I saw myself in them.  Also because they chatted with me.  A third vixen, Lauren, was not only incredibly beautiful, but she was also a lawyer and a dancer.  Her Vixen danced ballet, and was absolutely incredible to watch.  I watched her a lot at practice, and I could not believe that anybody could be so flexible! I saw a video of her doing the piece on stage while wearing a long gown.  You see, I have never seen this play.  Not the completed version anyway.  No, I saw just what I could see through curtains as I waited to move things around, and some parts I couldn't see at all- like the Vixens.

Lauren during rehearsals

 As I said, the Vixens reminded me a lot of myself.  They all had incredible strength, which I wish I had.  I don't think they realize their own strength.  Two are authors; one writes Gothic horror, and she looks the part.  She's slim, pale, and beautiful.  If you were going to picture a Goth chick, you would picture her.   The other was more metal, and she rocked a corset!  She was extremely outgoing.  She also wrote a children's book.

 A couple of the cast members are gamers.  I've tried to set up a game, but it hasn't happened yet.  One is actually hypnotist!  Others do other jobs.  Most of them have found roles in other productions, and are already in rehearsal for those.

I auditioned for another role, but did not get it.  I think that, for me, the experience is over- at least for a while.

In a way, I'm still processing what it all meant to me.  I know that, for that time, I felt part of something- something fun.  A group of strangers became like a family to me (albeit dysfunctional and full of characters.)  I knew that I'd find Kristin on the stairs to the dressing room, reading a book.  Or that Joe "warmed up" wearing headphones and dancing.  That Alexis would be at the makeup table, and that Jay would always be late.  That everyone would be glued to their phones during down time while still laughing and gossiping.  Robyn would be obsessing over the baby mixture, and the beautiful Kimmie would need help with her corset.  There was a serene familiarity to it all.

And one thing I DO know... is that I miss it.

Be well.

Matt Lake as Dracula during rehearsals

Saturday Night Insomniac Talking

So it's late at night- 11:27 as I start dictating this.  November 10th, soon to be the 11th.  November 11, 2018 is the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I.

I've studied history.  I maintain that in many ways, we are still fighting WWI, particularly in the Middle East.  In many ways, we are still fighting the Civil War (see: "voter suppression in the South."). Though I thought World War II was over, apparently it isn't, as Nazis are here in the halls of power in the US.

We live in dangerous times.

 I was going to write a blog entry about the election and about how I volunteered. But I just couldn't be bothered. I started it, but I just couldn't finish it. I get depressed- very depressed- since the election.  I've spent more time lying in bed looking at the ceiling more than anything.   I can't even be bothered writing this- I'm dictating it voice to text. But I figured I'd put out something so my few readers will know I'm still alive.

 I am still unemployed. There's some agency who said they would help me find a job, but the only thing that they've come up with our cashier jobs in the city.  In the end, after transportation and city taxes, I'd be making less than minimum wage.   They said in my interview there's going to be hard time trying to find a job for "someone like me."  Transgender.

I can still fake smile.

 I want to apply to Penn State for my PhD but I haven't done it yet. I haven't even started my essays, or contacting people about letters, or anything. I just don't have the...

I don't have the energy or the drive.  For anything.  I feel fucking worthless.

There was this big class in Philadelphia today for doing transgender activism, and a friend went to it.  It was free, but I didn't go anyway. I didn't go, because I knew that everyone else there had a job, and a career, had a perfect transition, probably already had surgeries, and they were just having these wonderful lives- and here I am just a fat, useless nothing.

Yes, I know that's depression talking.

I don't want to be involved in anything.  Not the play I'm in, not writing... I'm seriously considering leaving Vanity Club.  VC is supposed to mean something, and I'm nothing. 

Early this week, rent was due.  I was very short on it.  I mentioned that online, and both dear friends and total strangers sent me enough money to cover rent.  I really appreciate their generosity- without it Linda and I would be homeless- but I hate taking charity.  I can't even earn my own way in the world.  Linda would be better off without me here.  A different roomie- one with a job.

Still, thank you so very much to those who helped.  Seriously.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I'm not.  I...

I'm not worth your friendship.

So here I sit on my couch, dictating.  It's now 12:03 am.  Armistice Day.  The temperature outside is below freezing for the first time this season, and I am inside, thanks to friends.  I'm waiting for the 2 melatonins I took to knock me out.  Been waiting over an hour.

God, I hate my life.