This entry really makes me look like a total jerk. Because I was a total jerk.
To this day, I regret what happened that night. I betrayed the trust of someone I cared about very much. That night changed the tone of my time at Penn State.
Yes, what happened was consensual, but both of us were too drunk to consent. I can say with absolute certainty that this night was the most drunk I'd ever been to this point in my short 20 year life. There would be worse times, but I never felt so much shame after. Yes, I was looking to "hook up" that night, but not with the person I ended up with.
As a guy of my age and at that time, getting laid was expected and celebrated. Thrill of the chase. The Conquest. Of course, a woman who had the same attitude was a "slut" or "whore." Of course, if she DIDN'T put out, she was a "tease" or "frigid." The double standard was very much in effect then as it still is now.
I felt no "triumph" the next day. I felt horrible. The fallout is covered next chapter.
I originally wrote this part a few days after the events occurred. I wanted to get down what was said and how I felt. I guessed that it would mean something eventually. I rewrote it to this current version around 2005. Back then, my Truth was still deeply buried, and I was in a lot of psychological pain. I was trying to come to terms with what happened in the perspective of a male. I never could achieve that- as I never really was male.
Looking back now, over four years after transition, I see that night for what is was- fulfillment of a need. I needed to feel something. Anything. I was desperately lonely, and I knew that the person who I wanted to be with was unavailable. I knew that the person I needed to BE would never surface, and I did my best to anesthetize the Pain with booze and whatever else.
I just wish that in trying to assuage my own Pain, I didn't inflict so much on others.
*********************************************************************
To this day, I regret what happened that night. I betrayed the trust of someone I cared about very much. That night changed the tone of my time at Penn State.
Yes, what happened was consensual, but both of us were too drunk to consent. I can say with absolute certainty that this night was the most drunk I'd ever been to this point in my short 20 year life. There would be worse times, but I never felt so much shame after. Yes, I was looking to "hook up" that night, but not with the person I ended up with.
As a guy of my age and at that time, getting laid was expected and celebrated. Thrill of the chase. The Conquest. Of course, a woman who had the same attitude was a "slut" or "whore." Of course, if she DIDN'T put out, she was a "tease" or "frigid." The double standard was very much in effect then as it still is now.
I felt no "triumph" the next day. I felt horrible. The fallout is covered next chapter.
Picture of me wearing Drexel jacket. Letters redacted- Dec 1986
I originally wrote this part a few days after the events occurred. I wanted to get down what was said and how I felt. I guessed that it would mean something eventually. I rewrote it to this current version around 2005. Back then, my Truth was still deeply buried, and I was in a lot of psychological pain. I was trying to come to terms with what happened in the perspective of a male. I never could achieve that- as I never really was male.
Looking back now, over four years after transition, I see that night for what is was- fulfillment of a need. I needed to feel something. Anything. I was desperately lonely, and I knew that the person who I wanted to be with was unavailable. I knew that the person I needed to BE would never surface, and I did my best to anesthetize the Pain with booze and whatever else.
I just wish that in trying to assuage my own Pain, I didn't inflict so much on others.
*********************************************************************
Chap 23: Red Bull Dancing
Saturday, Nov 8, 1986 President won’t deny Iran
So I finally
talked a girl from home into coming up.
Cheryl and I kinda sorta dated when we were in junior high. We met at a dance in seventh grade, and we
went to all the dances together and talk and stuff. Never kissed her- I was too scared. She was cute, thin as a rail, with angelic
blue eyes, narrow nose and long straight brown hair at a time when the “Farrah
Fawcett blow-dried-to-death” look was in. And her smile. Oh her smile could light up a dark room. We hung out until early in our sophomore
year, when I said something reeeeeeally stupid and she stopped speaking to me.
We started
speaking again at the beginning of our senior year, by which time she had grown
up a lot. Still the same eyes, still
thin, but an incredible ass that she liked to show off and her face
glowed. She also told me about how much
she loved sex. We almost dated and I
almost kissed her, but it didn’t work out.
She started dating some other guy, and a few months and another
heartbreak later, I started with Julianne.
Anyway, she was
going to Millersville, and agreed to come up to Penn State
Red Bull bottle
The highlight of
the weekend was Crow House’s “Red Bull” party.
Red Bull was a more potent form of Schlitz Malt Liquor, with a red bull
on the label instead of the usual blue one- and malt liquor was a lot stronger
than beer to begin with. This was going
to be fucked up. Crow’s party was
brothers, little sisters and invited guests.
I was invited by Judy and Virginia.
And I was bringing Cheryl. Judy
didn’t mind, as her big brother Michael would be up for the weekend, and having
Cheryl there helped keep the illusion.
And besides, she knew me better than I did. She knew nothing would happen.
Cheryl arrived
Friday night, and I made her dinner: steak and green beans and powdered mashed
potatoes. After dinner, she put on a white
top with short sleeves, a denim mini skirt that showcased her ass, and fuck me
pumps.
The House was
having a party, so we headed over. She
was flirtatious and fun and some of the brothers even nodded in approval. She stayed within eyesight in case she needed
an assist, and occasionally came over to chat, show herself off, and make the
brothers believe that I was with her.
“So you think
there was shit sent to Iran
“Of course he’s
lying- what else is new?” I answered,
finishing my beer. “Need one? I’m going downstairs.”
“Hey! You fuck with Ronnie and he’ll fuck you up!” Ben then made machine gun noises as he
sprayed the room with his invisible Uzi.
“Yeah, while you’re there.
Thanks!”
Mark hit on Cheryl
really hard and Cheryl “accidentally” spilled her beer all over him. We left together around 2 and went back to my
apartment. Nothing happened, despite (because
of?) my clumsy hints. She slept on the
couch alone.
The next morning
dawned cool, bright and clear. The
leaves blew from the trees nudged by the slight breeze. Rich (roomie) let me use his football ticket
for Cheryl, as he needed the ten bucks and he wanted Cheryl even more than I. He drooled every time he saw her. We joined several brothers at an alumni’s
tailgate in the sloping grass parking lot south of the stadium and had a few
beers before heading in. We sat high up
in the sophomore section and watched the #2 ranked Nittany Lions struggle, claw,
and finally beat Maryland
The rest of the
day passed quickly as I showed Cheryl around campus then went to Hi Way
After showers and
a quick snack, we walked up Beaver
Ave
“There might be
some beer there to start us out.
Besides, I don’t want to get there too early. Y’know, seem too eager.”
“Eager for who?”
“No one,
really. But it wouldn’t look good for a
Skull to show up THAT early.”
“Your brothers are
really full of themselves.”
“They’re used to
getting what they want when they want it.”
She smiled at me. “Aww diddums not get to scwew Wance’s fwiend
wast night?” she said in a baby voice.
We walked up the
steps and pushed open the door, and found a writhing pile of people right in
the middle of the foyer.
“Get him!”
Keemo did a
running jump and landed spread eagle on top of the pile. “Dog pile on the rabbit!”
Cheryl and I
laughed as the groans came from the bottom of the pile. Soon they all unpiled themselves and there,
on the bottom, was Dairy holding a football. "Smear the queer"- Skull style. He
laid on his back for a moment, looked over at me, and tossed the ball right at
me. Instinctively, I caught it and then
heard “Get him!” SHIT! I ran out the door with a wave of brothers
chasing me. Right- down the porch. Left- jump the hedge into the yard THWAK! Beef tackled me hard onto my face with the
ball in my stomach and then I felt the brothers piling on. Ouch!
I couldn’t breathe. After a
while, I felt the load lighten and Beef helped me up. I was covered in dirt and sweat.
“You ok?” he asked,
helping to dust me off. The other
brothers were laughing and high fiving.
I smiled weakly
and nodded. Then shoved the ball into
his hands.
Fraternity front lawn, Sept 2018
“Shit!” he shouted and bowled over two brothers
trying to grab him. “Get him!” He made it another ten steps before the mass
of testosterone laden burdens pulled him down.
My legs wobbled as I headed back to the front door and into the foyer. There was Cheryl with two plastic cups of
beer, one of which she handed me.
“At least they
include you in the fun! You look like
shit.” She smiled. I wanted her so bad.
I smiled. “I’m sure.”
Took a big swig of flat beer.
Ugh. Last night’s keg.
From outside I
heard “Get him! Get him!” and another
mass piling. Then “owwww”. The sound died pitifully.
“So, let’s have a
few beers, then we’ll go back to my place, fuck like crazed weasels, I’ll get a
shower and we’ll go to the party.”
She laughed a
knowing laugh with just a hint of scorn.
“Yeah right.”
“Can’t blame a guy
for trying.” I led her inside. A couple of little sisters stared as I walked
by.
Two beers, no sex,
a shower, and a change of clothes later, we walked up Locust Lane
We entered the
door and there were a couple of pledges who took their time finding my name on
the list as one of them sized up Cheryl.
Big guy, Italian, with a thick black crew cut, dark eyes and a big
superhero-esque chin. She loved the
attention, and did everything but pose for him.
Her name wasn’t on the list, but no house ever turned girls away.
People were in
knots carrying on conversations as Meatloaf blasted from their dance floor off
to the right.
“Will you love me? Will you love me forever? Will you need me? Will you never leave me?”
I led Cheryl
through the maze of people to the stairs down to the basement. A quick left into their wood walled party
room, and another left to the bar. Virginia
“Lancer! It’s about fucking time!” She was wearing a tight shiny grey button
down top that showed off her tits, and tight jeans. In seconds I had two beers, handed one to
Cheryl, who smiled and mixed into the crowd.
I bellied up to the bar across from Virginia Virginia
“Thanks.”
She did sign
language for you’re welcome. The beer
was heavier.
Crow party room and bar. 2008 The tables weren't there, and a bench ran the length of the wall to the right
Now what you have
to realize is that as much as college kids talk the talk, very few can really
hang when they drink the harder stuff.
And that’s what this Red Bull shit was.
It had a hard flavor, kinda nutty.
It was copper colored- heavier.
Like it was telling you “don’t fuck with me ‘cause I WILL fuck you
up.” And it was. This early, and many Crows and women were
speaking in that slurred language exclusive to those about to puke and/or pass
out. On one of the benches lining the
walls I saw some guy making out with some chick, feeling her up. The speakers pulsed. “Can’t
you hear me knocking…on yo’ window-oh!” People shouting get a room. Cheryl sitting near the back talking to that
pledge from the door.
I chugged the beer
and Virginia Virginia
“Rules?” I asked.
“Usual. No d-d-d, no names, no pointing. Five hits makes rules” Virginia Virginia
So it went for a
while. Went to the dance floor. Springsteen “Devil with a Blue dress blue dress blue dress devil with a blue dress
on!” I danced badly with maybe
fifteen others in the small room that was the dance floor. I froze.
Judy danced with
some guy nearby. She was wearing jeans
and her hooded maroon letter sweatshirt. She saw me, stopped briefly, and smiled. Tapped the guy on the shoulder, pointed at
me, then motioned me off the floor. I
staggered off, following them.
“Lance, this is my
brother Michael. Michael, this is
Lance.”
He was a little shorter
than me. Maybe 30. Black hair, parted right, with olive skin and
Judy’s eyes, but older, wiser. He smiled
and pumped my hand with a firm grip.
“Nice to finally meet you! I’ve
heard so much about you!”
I smiled. “Pleasure’s mine!”
“I heard you’ve
been keeping an eye on my sister.”
“She’s very
special.”
He smiled and
looked down at her, her arm around his waist.
“Yes. Yes, she is.”
“Enjoying the
party?”
“Absolutely. Are you?”
“Ab. Ab.” Shook my head. “Absolutely.”
Smiled wider. “I can tell.”
Judy touched my
arm. “Are you going to help Virginia
“If she needs me
to. My friend is up.”
She turned to
Michael. “Lance is entertaining an old
flame this weekend.” Then she turned
back for a quick icy stare.
Michael
nodded. “She’s a lucky girl. Excuse me.
Judy, where’s the men’s room?”
She gave him
directions and he headed off, leaving the two of us standing there next to the
dance floor.
“Take my breath a-wayyyyyy” the speakers
crooned.
Judy shifted her
feet. “So.”
“So.”
“How’s it going?”
I swallowed a
burp. “I think she’s getting laid
tonight.”
Her face paled and
she looked off to the right. “Oh.”
“Not by me. She seems to want one of your pledges.”
She looked at me
and smiled. “Why do I even listen to
you?”
“Cuz you love me.”
She laughed. “I already have a boyfriend.” Her eyes flashed and she smiled wider. I got hard.
Smiled back. Her brother came
over.
“Want me to
introduce you to Cheryl? I asked.
Judy looked up at
Michael. “Sure!”
I led them back
down to their party room. Cheryl was
right where I left her talking to the pledge.
Virginia
“Cheryl, this is Judy
and her brother Michael.”
She stood. “So pleased to meet you! Lance has told me so much about you!” Smile.
Heaven.
The pledge also
stood in the presence of letters.
“Beers?”
Judy looked
inquisitively at us all. I gave a thumbs
up. Michael nodded. Judy held up two fingers. The pledge threw a knowing glance at Cheryl,
who smiled back, and he was gone.
“Lance tells me
you go to Millersville.”
“Yes. It’s great.
Nothing like this though.”
“What are you
majoring in?” Michael asked.
I looked over at Virginia,
who looked back.
“Brown shug-ah! How com you taste so good?” blasted from
the speakers behind the bar.
A touch to my
elbow. “I leaned over and Judy spoke to
my ear. “We’re going to go. Have fun!”
Her lips lightly grazed my earlobe and she was gone. The pledge came back with the beer. And Cheryl left the party room with him. So I was standing there alone holding two
amber beers. Looked to my left at Virginia
People were passed
out on the benches. One guy was on the
floor in the beer swill.
Maybe an hour,
maybe a year later, I staggered upstairs.
Virginia
People were passed
out all over the floor and on the furniture.
It almost looked like a mass murder.
Red Bull. Those still up were
speaking in slurred tones that no one could really understand. I was among those blithering idiots. I found Virginia
“Need a walk
home?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“What about your
friend?
“Shhhhhe’s
busy. Can take care of herself.”
“Isn’t it out of
your way?”
I glared at
her. “Let’s go.”
The night was very
chilly and a misty rain made it almost dreamlike. We staggered down Fairmount, supporting each
other, crossed Andrethestea, and down East Prospect. Walked between KDR and Pika. Pika was having a party, and we could hear
the music clearly as we walked past on the cracked sidewalk. Slow song.
Former site of Andrethestea
“You know I love you but I’m in too deep”
I stopped and turned
to Virginia
Deeper. I held her closer and she put her hands
behind my head. I caressed her
back. She held my head as if to let go
would mean falling into hell itself. Our
tongues danced as well. A tentative hand
to her breast. Her nipples hard against
the cold. A caress. Her hands to my ass as she pulled me closer
and felt how hard I was. We groped each
other and my one hand unbuttoned her top to expose her right breast. She looked down, then in my eyes with
acceptance and understanding, head cocked to the side as she swayed. I caressed her more and re-buttoned her
shirt. We turned and walked down the
street toward her apartment. Stop. Kiss more.
Then walk. Kiss more. Deeper.
Hungrier.
Her front
door. I pinned her to the wall and we
groped each other, kissing savagely. She
put her fingers to her lips to quiet me, and turned the key in the lock. Quietly we shuffled into the darkened
apartment. She led me straight into the
kitchen. We kissed and groped and
explored. I unbuttoned her top. She pulled off my shirt. My mouth on her breast. Hers on my neck. My pants at my ankles. Her jeans off. She sat on the counter. I entered her. We grunted quietly. Hit the dish rack and a clank. Freeze.
Down to the floor. Entered her
again. We fucked quietly as our tongues
explored. I pumped hard trying to
overcome the beer. Eventually I
did. Virginia Virginia
