Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Thoughts from a Class in January

 As is the norm, it seems, to this level of classes, the first class or two is all about learning about each other and what we know about the class topic coming in.

This is from a class on Globalization and Lifelong learning, which is a required course in my PhD program, but I would've taken anyway.  Most of the class come from other countries, and/or are people of color.  The professor grew up in Africa.  I will a learn a lot from this class, as they will have very different POV than mine.  To my knowledge, I'm the only transgender person in the class.  Maybe they can learn something from me?

The first week's reading concerns anti-colonial works of the 50s and 60s African independence movements.  I, who claim to love history, know so little of that topic.  I'm ashamed.


Pattee library, March 2020

In any case, the professor asked a few questions of us which we were to put into our "reading journals" and also share with the class if we wished.  What follows are my answers.

******************************************

a) Take some time and think about the key theme/s and/or sub-themes of this course (feel free to consider the ones on #2) [globalisation and Lifelong Learning]. Do they trigger any emotions? Do they trigger any thoughts that are of value and/or at least of intellectual interest to you? 

Globalization- that which our country ignored for four years.  Yes, it triggers emotions.  Regret, anger, pain- how could “reasonable” people vote for this?  As long as racism exists, there can be no globalization.  Lots of other “isms” and “phobias” hold us back as well- sexism, ageism, homophobia, transphobia, elitism, and, in so many ways, capitalism.  Yet, none hold us back as much as racism- that belief that one group of humans is superior to another group due to skin color or national origin.  

Lifelong learning should be a given.  Learning never stops, whether one acknowledges it or not.  So many people think that when they end their formal education, they can just shut off their minds.  That is how we get the ills of the world- we refuse to learn.

b) Your point of departure: where are you, currently, in relation to your knowledge and interest about these (sub)themes? 

I am aware of my privilege as a person of northern European descent living in the US, and I know what it means to lose privilege.  I’m always ready to learn more about how I can help eliminate that privilege.  I think I’ll just be quiet and listen, because as a daughter of colonizers, I have a lot to learn.

c) Your destination: what would you like to hear others say about you, after taking this course, when you produce an academic/professional piece or even an initiative that touches on the issues surrounding these (sub)themes? 

I always assume the worse- the reasons are long and tedious.  I hope people would say “she tried to make the world a better place for all.”  I think they’ll say “she failed.”

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That last bit, I didn't share.  They don't need to hear me whining.  

I'm humbled being in the presence of scholars from around the world.  I am in awe of them.  For almost all of them, English is not their native tongue, yet they are mastering the material in English.  I can barely understand and keep up with the work, and English is my native language!  They are all so much smarter than me.  In so many ways, they are far wiser as well.  They've experienced things and cultures that I never will.  

I think that's a good thing- that I understand how much I don't know.  


Wednesday, January 20, 2021

46

This morning the snow flurried down in the wind.  Eventually it stopped and the sun emerged.

Sleep has been elusive of late, and last night was no exception.  I was worried that something would happen to keep 45 in power.  I was worried that his insurrectionists would detonate a bomb or something to cause 45 to declare martial law.  

I settled on the couch around 11:30, in time to see the flags presented.  (Space force?  Seriously?)

Then, the inauguration.  A new president.  Our 4 year national nightmare is over.  I cried.

On facialbook, my friend Melissa Anne Segbarth wrote "After 4 years of living in fear of the president of the United States.  I can breath again."  (Shared with her kind permission.)  That sums it up perfectly.  

Four years ago, when 45 was elected, I wrote that I didn't think I'd survive his term.  So many of us didn't.  So many transgender women died of violence- more than ever before.  So many took their own lives as well.  It seemed that every week, another friend of a friend would be mourned after suicide.  I can't blame them.


Taken the other day

For the first time in 4 years, I feel I don't have to constantly on guard and ready to leave at a moment's notice.  I'll keep my bug-out bag ready, but not next to the front door.

The evil didn't end- the cult leader may be dethroned, but the cult survives.  What's next for them?  More treason and insurrection?  That's my guess.

In any case, I was wrong- I'm still here and still alive.  Not that I want to be, but here I am.  I'm no longer in Phoenixville, and I'm now starting a new semester: part 2 of year 2 of my PhD.  

Today I can breathe a sigh of relief.  Tomorrow- back to work.


Thursday, January 7, 2021

Men of the Skull Chapter 63: BSB

Pledging is a strange time.  The idea behind it is to create bonds within the pledge class and fraternity by having them endure shared hardships.  However, I believe that some people really enjoy the sadism that can be involved.  Of course, part of this was to show that one could "take it like a man."  

In my undergrad years, it seemed that each class had to endure just a little worse treatment.  Brothers would say "well, I had to take it, so..."  then add their own brand to whatever stunt was happening.

That said, sometimes the idea is a shared fun experience.  If kept under control, this can be a good thing.  We had "games" at Skull.  Of them all, this was the goofiest and arguably the most fun.  I say this having never been on the losing side of it.



Chapter 63:  BSB

Saturday, April 11, 1987  U.S. to raise spy issue in Soviet talks

            “You maggots fucking suck!”  Ernie shouted down from his perch on the landing.  The pledges were bunched up beneath him.  “We’ve never had such shitty pledges!  Something needs to be done!”

            “Games!”  “Games!”  The shouts rose from the brothers on the carpet behind the pledges.

            “Games!” 

                                    “GAMES!” 

            Then, the inevitable suggestions from the Hood:

            “CIRCLE JERK!”

                        “ELEPHANT WALK!”

                                                                                    “PARCHEESI”

                                                SPIT SWALLOW!”

            “RUMPLESTILSKIN!”

                                                            “SHEEP!”

                                                                                    “BAA-AA—AAAAA!”

                                    “B-S-B!”

            “B-S-B!”

            It gained a rhythm as the hood chanted.  “B-S-B!” “B-S-B!” “B-S-B!”

            “B-S-B!  HEY!  B-S-B! HEY! B-S-B!”

            Ernie held up his hands to stop the shouting.

            “B-S-B!” he shouted.  “And like all games at Skull House, there are a few rules!”

            “A FEW RULES!” the Hood shouts into the pledges ears.

            “First rule: No talking!”  Ernie shouted.

            “NO TALKING!”

            “Second rule!  Line up and each of you choose the brother you want to party with the most!”


Collegian April 13, 1987

They lined back up in order.  One by one, the pledges shouted the name of a brother.  The Hood would shout stuff like “Bad choice!  He’s the best at this!  “You’re fucked!”.  Then the pledges were sent running back up to the pledge closet as the brothers set up.

LPC took the lead in this as always.  The dining room lights were turned on.  We were using the 4 tables visible from the foyer.  All chairs were removed from the “inside” side of the tables except one at each.  Opposite that seat were two chairs for brothers.

The full name of the game was “Bourbon, Scotch, Beer” after the George Thorogood cover song.  It was a relay race- the pledges vs. the brothers they picked.

The first table in was the shot table- first a shot a bourbon.  Then the player would move to the second table, where they’d chug a can of beer.  They’d go back to the first table where they’d down a shot of scotch. Then they’d run back and tag the first person in line and it would be that person’s turn.  First team done wins. 

 

Collegian April 13, 1987

Now, as always, we knew what was coming, so during the pre-meeting all of us cracked open beers and drank about half.  These beers were on the hood’s table.  Each of the shot tables had two bottles of bourbon and scotch.  On the Hood table, one each was filled with iced tea.  In addition, as the pledges were upstairs, we shook the shit out of the cans on the pledge table.  While we set up, the selected brothers were upstairs getting “dressed.”  For some reason, this was a “costume” event

            After the brothers were ready, they told Ernie how they wanted to be introduced, and then waited at the top of the Brotherhood steps.  The lights in the Foyer, Club Room, and dining room were turned off.  The siren sounded, and the pledges scrambled down the back steps to their position lined up in front of the Hood, and counted off.  The Hood shouted for them to turn around and face the Iota, who instructed them to line up behind Brother Good, who stood at the entry to the club room.  They did so, and then all the lights came back on.  The pledges looked at the set up and their faces seemed to say “what in hell do we have to do this time?”

            Me?  I sat at the brothers’ beer table with Wags.  Best place to sneak a few drinks myself.  “Watch me the first few times so you get the hang of it” Wags said, smiling as we toasted beers we’d just opened.

            Ernie came down the stairs and stood in the middle of the foyer.

            “OK maggots!” he shouted.  “The name of the game is BSB!”

            “BSB! BSB! BSB!”  The Hood chanted until Ernie motioned for quiet.  The Hood stood to the sides of the foyer and dining room, leaving the playing field clear.

            Ernie explained the rules: shot, beer, shot, tag the next guy in line, first team finished wins.

            “As always, anyone who does not wish to participate may step away now.  No one will feel any less of you.”

            The pledges looked insulted, and stayed in line.

            “Are you ready to meet your opponents?”

            “Sir yes sir!”

            “First!” yelled Ernie, pointing to the stairs, “From the jungles of the New Guinea: CHIEF BEEF!”

            Beef hopped down the hood steps dressed like an island headhunter complete with headdress and spear, shouting some kind of made up gibberish, while the brothers cheered and chanted “Hood! Hood!  Hood!”  Beef took his place at the head of a line next to the pledges, who were laughing their asses off.

                                                                                 Collegian April 13, 1987

            “Next: master of the martial arts and ninja extraordinaire: Kung Fu Ninja!”

            Ninja trotted down the stairs, wearing his gi and black belt, bowed to Ernie, then to the pledges, and struck a kung fu pose.  He then got in line behind Beef, who high fived him.

            “From Ancient Rome: Doggus Maximus!”

            Dogger strolled regally down the stairs wearing a bedsheet as a toga. 

            “Hood!  Hood!  Hood!”

            After a few minutes, all of the brothers playing were introduced and lined up next to the pledge that chose him.  The rules were explained to the pledges.  Ask permission to sit down, ask politely for the drink, permission to drink, permission to leave.  Of course, the brothers didn’t have to do any of that shit.  First team through their line wins.  Simple enough.

            I had put together a tape of the Thorogood song played over and over for forty five minutes (my contribution to the game).  One brother (LPC) stood at the top of the stairs, and another at the stereo closet across from the Alpha suite.  When Ernie shouted “music!”, the guy at the top of the steps would relay the order to the other guy to start the tape.  Same for “stop!” at the end of the race. 

            For the pledges, it sounded like this:

            “Are you ready pledges?!?!”

            “Sir yes sir!”

            “I said are you ready pledges?!?!?”

            “SIR YES SIR!!!”

            “Music!”

            The guitar riff started and faded in. 

            “GO!”

            As George started singing “Wanna tell ya a story… about the house-man blues” I watched Beef do an exaggerated bunny hop/ tribal dance to the first table.  As he sat down, his pledge opponent was still asking permission.  Beef leisurely sipped his iced tea as the pledge asked the brothers behind the pledge shot table “May I please have a shot?  Pretty please with sugar on top?”

            Beef did some kind of tribal spinning dance from the first table to the next, where he sat in front of me.  Wags handed Beef a half filled beer, and he put his feet up on the table while drinking it.  The pledge was just seeking permission to leave the shot table.

            The pledge ran to the next table, eventually was seated, and asked for a beer.

            “Do you really want it?”  Rich asked.

            “Sir yes sir!”

            Rich opened the well shaken beer so that it sprayed all over the pledge, to the delight of everyone watching.

            By this time, Beef finished his shot of “scotch” and hopped back to the line, tagging Ninja as he passed.

            The pledge finished his sudsy beer, secured permission to leave and ran to the shot table.

            And so it went until all the pledges completed the course.  The brothers won by quite some time, of course.  The assembled spectators chanted “Hood!  Hood!  Hood!” and Ernie called for the music to stop.  The whole first floor smelled badly of beer- worse than at a party.

            “Do you think you won that game?”  Ernie asked the pledges.

            “Sir yes sir!”

            “Did you enjoy that game?”

            “Sir yes sir!”

            “OK!  Let’s do it!  Music!”

            George picked up where he left off  Well I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when. I’ve been drinkin’ bourbon whiskey, scotch, and gin…

            “GO!”

            Beef tangoed to the first table with Ernie.

            This time, the pledges were actually allowed to be competitive.  And they pledges all puked after drinking the warm foamy beer.

            The Hood won again.  LPC cleaned up.  I turned to Wags as we both finished a beer.

            “What was the point of this game?”

            “Point?  Does any of it have a point?  It’s just fun.  That’s all.”  He smiled and offered me another half empty beer. 

 

Last Chapter

First Chapter

Monday, January 4, 2021

Inspirations: Amanda Richards

I'm forcing myself to sit at the keyboard and write something (as opposed to my normal method of writing things out longhand first) so I'm not wallowing in the Darkness.  So I decided to write about someone who always makes me smile.  So this entry is about one of my Inspirations and dearest friends: Amanda Richards.


Amanda Richards

I met Amanda in January 2009, a mere 2 1/2 months after re-discovering myself.  I first heard of her through an internet search when looking for a transformation makeover.  I decided Bethlehem, PA was too close to home, and instead went to Femme Fever in New York for my first time.  A few weeks later, I attended my first Renaissance transgender meeting (wrote about that here) without makeup.  I determined that I wouldn't do that again, and sent an email to True Colors Makeup Artistry, domain of Amanda Richards.  So it was that on January 19, 2009, I drove 90 minutes to her studio.  I was nervous as hell.  (I wrote about that day here.)

I didn't know it then, but I was meeting someone who would be a pillar of support, a mentor, and an incredible friend.  

Amanda's name is well known within the transgender community.  She's been active for... a while, doing M2F makeovers in addition to her work doing weddings, proms, etc.  She's also an in-demand photographer, and a former president of Vanity Club.




She was very re-assuring and supportive, seeing that I was so nervous.  I was far from her first "first- timer."  I had a photography session, then went down to the January Renaissance meeting, wearing the wig she helped me choose.  


That trip to Bethlehem became part of my monthly routine on "Sophie night."  I'd get the motel room at Motel 6, drive up to True Colors for a makeover, then drive to the meeting then Angela's Laptop Lounge party.  After that, I'd go back to the motel room to thoroughly clean myself up before going home.  




I saw Amanda at the Keystone Conference almost every year as well.  She's a very guarded person by nature, but eventually over time she opened up.  I learned such things as that her fraternity voted her "Smart ass of the Year" five years in a row (yes, that includes her first year as an alumni.)  Also, she dressed a bit in college for a fraternity thing.  Years later, she learned while getting together with her brothers that they eventually discovered her femme side, and were cool with it.  


With Amanda at Keystone 2017

For years, I went to her for makeovers; asking questions and learning learning learning.  Eventually, I reached a point when I could do my makeup, but I still went up to see her.  After all, she was better at it than me, and I loved visiting my friend.  She always had great music playing, and we talked about music, sports (she attended a rival Big 10 school), and I often asked her for advice.  




Amanda has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I'm not alone.  She's mentored so many "new" transgender girls- almost everyone in my area knew her or knew of her.  People travelled literally thousands of miles for her services.

Early in 2020, I was mentoring a "new" girl here at PSU.  She'd never had a makeover, so of course I took her to Amanda.  Because I trust her.  And I missed talking with her.  


From the January 2009 photoshoot

True Colors is closed for now.  When we get past this pandemic, she'll re-open.  For now, she's taking a well deserved break.  

What Amanda did for me is what she did for an uncounted number of people like me- she helped us to find ourselves and to blossom.  She taught so many of us skills in makeup as well as gave us the courage to face the world as our true selves.  

The transgender community owes Amanda an unpayable debt.  She is an amazingly talented artist, and an incredible person.



After the first time she did my makeup, she told me to stand in front of a full length mirror.  She said to look at myself, and repeat to myself  "I am Sophie.  I am Sophie."  Her idea was to put me in the right mind for having pictures taken.  It calmed me. She took the pictures, then off I went to my first time out with a professional makeup job.  

She helped me so much in these eleven years I've known her.  I can never thank her enough, despite thanking her each time she worked on me.

Amanda is one of my dearest friends.  She is a mentor.  She is a Legend.  

And Amanda...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.