Monday, July 18, 2011

An example?

A beautiful friend of mine wrote the following to me on Facebook after reading my blog. I share it here with her kind permission, typing unedited.

“I didn't realize that you were struggling so much with all of this as well. when i saw you at keystone, you walked into every room and every situation like you owned it. the confidence i saw in you was absolutely amazing and inspiring and left me hoping that one day i'll feel that confidence too…

…you truly are an amazing person and i understand how you can struggle with going out, especially in or near areas that someone from the other life could see you. its a very challenging thing for me to do yet and no one would recongnize me in either of the areas i work or at home because i'm so rarely there….

(on the next post)
…just be careful. the consequences are high and even higher with a family. if you really do want to take sophie further at some point you do need to talk about it. you may be surprised.”

It’s amazing how others perceive a person. What she saw in me I can’t explain. Well actually maybe I can.

Being Sophie terrifies me. The whole idea that I am a woman liberates me and yet destroys me. All that I was is a lie. All that I denied is the truth. My way of dealing with fear has always been to forge ahead- not to show it. As a paramedic with a rescue squad, I used to run into burning buildings and crawl into wrecked cars. Scared the hell out of me, but I was damned if I was going to show fear.

So I go rushing in where Angels fear to tread (as Pope would have it.) I feel it’s the only way I’ll quell the fear. If I’m going to be Sophie for the rest of my life, I can’t be afraid to walk in a mall for example. Or a restaurant.

So I read what she sent me, and my heart warmed and broke at the same time. Someone saw me as an inspiration. Me: The insecure guy in a dress. Someone saw more- saw an example. And by discussing my fear- showing it- I let her down. I guess it’s the child in me, craving acceptance from everyone, but I hate letting a friend down.

Me. An example.

I was out last Saturday night for my usual third weekend activities. I went to the Renaissance meeting and to Angela’s Laptop Lounge. But before that, I went to dinner with some friends. I was late- the last to arrive and I walked into the place alone. Me, dressed in a skirt and made up, walked into a restaurant alone. It took me an eternity, maybe 15 seconds to fins my friends in the back corner, but then I smiled and walked over to them, doing my best feminine stride. I was scared, but not as much as I would’ve been last year at this time; which means I actually did it instead of finding an excuse not to go.

Saturday's Outfit

I’m growing as a woman. I am doing more things and conquering my fear. Is this the example she sees? I mean, what she saw at Keystone was often me after many drinks: Liquid Courage. That said, I was among many like minded people- friends and other TGs. Last Saturday, I was among people who gave me strange looks as my skirt flowed around my legs and I felt my bra bouncing as I walked. It will not be the last time I am out and about dressed among “normals.” Someday it may even be my life. This life has been assisted by others who I have looked to as my examples, from whom I have drawn courage.

So my friend, if I am your example, your are welcome to draw all the courage you can from me. We will walk and grow together.