Day After Play

I can't give all the details, but here's what I can say.

So, I went into work feeling wonderful.  It was Valentine's Day. I was still feeling great from the play the night before.

I clocked in, and went to my station at the cash registers.  A cashier was there already.  I'll just say she put a damper on my mood by complaining constantly and repeating herself.

Later in the shift, we were busy.  It was lunch time and many people were in the store buying Valentine's Day gifts.  My fellow cashier was with a mother and daughter, and was taking her sweet old time.  There was a line.  Three people back in that line was a woman approximately my age (50s).  She kept looking at her watch, sighing loudly, and looked VERY impatient.  (I'll call her Impatient.)

I did my best to serve the customers in line, but it seemed like people were in slow motion.  Everyone had to grope around their purses for exact change, or write a check.  Impatient was loudly saying things like "come on!" and sighing loudly.  My fellow cashier was STILL on those two.  I finish my last person before Impatient, when the other cashier calls me over.  She needs to start over, so I aborted her transaction.  I then called Impatient to my register.

"Thank you for your patience," I said, while I started ringing up her three books.

"It's about time!  Some of us have REAL jobs, you know."  Full of attitude.

"I'm sorry, I can only move as quickly as the people in front of me."

She grumbled something, and I said "I'm sorry, ma'am, if you wish to speak to a manager, I can get one."

"You've already wasted enough of my time," she snapped.  I completed the transaction, and wished her a good day.  She snatched the bag from my hand, and as she walked away said "Fucking tranny!"

I was stunned.  And Furious.  At this point, my colleague finished with the mother/daughter.  I called for help, and as the three of us quickly reduced the line.  As we finished I heard an announcement:

"Sophie, please call [manager's office extension.]"

Within an hour, I left the bookstore crying and believing that my employment was over.

That is all I can say about that day at work right now.

I went home, sobbing.

Just After Work: the "fucking tranny"

I called a couple of friends and listened to what they had to say.  I then decided to remove myself from the company facialbook pages, one of which (LGBT and allies page) that I started.

I went to bed, crying quietly as my roomie and bestie Linda was asleep (she worked very early in the morning.)

She woke up and asked why I was there.  I told her.  I couldn't stop crying.

I was going to disengage my facialbook page completely, but I decided that I needed support.  I needed my friends.

The Darkness had me.

I called the Transgender suicide hotline.  Twice.  Both times I got "No one is available to take your call.  Please try again later."

I couldn't sleep.  I took melatonin as well as a muscle relaxant, and tried working on my blog.  What I wrote was all too dark, and I scrapped it.

I leaned HARD on my friends online.  And, after dropping out of the work facialbook groups, I suddenly received many messages of support and friend requests from employees of the bookstore across the country.

Thank you to everyone for your support.  And to my friends who I leaned on, I love you all.

So, I started the day at an amazing high and ended deeply low.

So, was that happiness a Lie?  Is any happiness in my life a Lie?  Yes.  And I HATE lies.  I hate lies, and I'm so good at lying.  I lied to myself and the world for decades.

That's where I am right now.  I'm typing this while watching the Katie Couric special on Gender.  I'm watching Dr. Marci Bowers discussing people getting GCS.

And tears are in my eyes.  Because I will never be able to get this done.

Happiness is a Lie.