Thursday, February 16, 2017

Day After Play

I can't give all the details, but here's what I can say.

So, I went into work feeling wonderful.  It was Valentine's Day. I was still feeling great from the play the night before.

I clocked in, and went to my station at the cash registers.  A cashier was there already.  I'll just say she put a damper on my mood by complaining constantly and repeating herself.

Later in the shift, we were busy.  It was lunch time and many people were in the store buying Valentine's Day gifts.  My fellow cashier was with a mother and daughter, and was taking her sweet old time.  There was a line.  Three people back in that line was a woman approximately my age (50s).  She kept looking at her watch, sighing loudly, and looked VERY impatient.  (I'll call her Impatient.)

I did my best to serve the customers in line, but it seemed like people were in slow motion.  Everyone had to grope around their purses for exact change, or write a check.  Impatient was loudly saying things like "come on!" and sighing loudly.  My fellow cashier was STILL on those two.  I finish my last person before Impatient, when the other cashier calls me over.  She needs to start over, so I aborted her transaction.  I then called Impatient to my register.

"Thank you for your patience," I said, while I started ringing up her three books.

"It's about time!  Some of us have REAL jobs, you know."  Full of attitude.

"I'm sorry, I can only move as quickly as the people in front of me."

She grumbled something, and I said "I'm sorry, ma'am, if you wish to speak to a manager, I can get one."

"You've already wasted enough of my time," she snapped.  I completed the transaction, and wished her a good day.  She snatched the bag from my hand, and as she walked away said "Fucking tranny!"

I was stunned.  And Furious.  At this point, my colleague finished with the mother/daughter.  I called for help, and as the three of us quickly reduced the line.  As we finished I heard an announcement:

"Sophie, please call [manager's office extension.]"

Within an hour, I left the bookstore crying and believing that my employment was over.

That is all I can say about that day at work right now.

I went home, sobbing.

Just After Work: the "fucking tranny"

I called a couple of friends and listened to what they had to say.  I then decided to remove myself from the company facialbook pages, one of which (LGBT and allies page) that I started.

I went to bed, crying quietly as my roomie and bestie Linda was asleep (she worked very early in the morning.)

She woke up and asked why I was there.  I told her.  I couldn't stop crying.

I was going to disengage my facialbook page completely, but I decided that I needed support.  I needed my friends.

The Darkness had me.

I called the Transgender suicide hotline.  Twice.  Both times I got "No one is available to take your call.  Please try again later."

I couldn't sleep.  I took melatonin as well as a muscle relaxant, and tried working on my blog.  What I wrote was all too dark, and I scrapped it.

I leaned HARD on my friends online.  And, after dropping out of the work facialbook groups, I suddenly received many messages of support and friend requests from employees of the bookstore across the country.

Thank you to everyone for your support.  And to my friends who I leaned on, I love you all.

So, I started the day at an amazing high and ended deeply low.

So, was that happiness a Lie?  Is any happiness in my life a Lie?  Yes.  And I HATE lies.  I hate lies, and I'm so good at lying.  I lied to myself and the world for decades.

That's where I am right now.  I'm typing this while watching the Katie Couric special on Gender.  I'm watching Dr. Marci Bowers discussing people getting GCS.

And tears are in my eyes.  Because I will never be able to get this done.

Happiness is a Lie.


  1. Sophie -

    You are not a lie!!!! The person that caused you grief is a lie, a lie of hatred and anger aimed at any person's weakness she finds. She can never be happy, as she needs to hurt others when things don't go right.

    One of my friends has been without her en-femme cell phone for over a week. The repair shop botched the repair, and has to order another new part to fix what they broke. She's taking it in stride, as she doesn't need the second phone. Instead, she needs peace of mind, and by not focusing on the negatives, she has more of it than she'd otherwise have.

    So don't let Ms. Impatient get to you. Karma will get to her someday. You may not be there to see it, but it will happen.


    1. I never said I was a lie. I said HAPPINESS is a Lie.

  2. I'm sorry you had to endure that treatment, Sophie. No one deserves to be treated like that. The woman was obviously a miserable asshole, and karma will find her, sooner or later. In the meantime, know that you're an amazing woman, and that you're loved. Always remember that. (Hugs)

  3. Sophie I'm so sorry about what happened, but happiness is never a lie. It's a state of being, like everything else. It comes and goes. Cherish it while you have it, and work towards it when you don't. I'm glad so many from the company have shown you how much we all love you and support you. Keep leaning on your friends and know that you can get through this. You can and you will. You are stronger than you know. -Ciaran Mealer

  4. A lie? no! maybe fleeting emotion but not a lie. Unfortunately in this world there are all too many who value their own convenience over other peoples peace of mind. From what I hear that is a prevalent attitude in the US at the moment.

    Know that you are loved, that you are cared about, and that it will get better. Beware the Black Dog, but keep buggering on!

  5. Those that dump on others just because they can have a special place in hell. She deserves your pity.

    Happiness comes and goes, but it's always real. Hang in there, Sister.

  6. Please don't let Impatient bitch woman get to you. You are a lovely woman and a very strong person.

  7. Sophie, I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience. But--and I'm saying this with love--you've bought in to the wrong lie.

    The Depression is the lie. You know this. I know you know this.

    You've made wonderful strides the last few months fighting it back and I'm so happy for you taking positive control of your life. As recently as two months ago I never would have thought that you'd be up on stage at the Vagina Monologues, speaking your truth to a roomful of people! That took a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that and--fundamentally--a belief that things can be better.

    You were riding a euphoric high coming off of that experience and when the next day came along to kick you in your teeth, so I'm sure it felt like an even longer fall. And the Depression was there, waiting for you. Telling you that nothing matters. Telling you that *you* don't matter. Telling you that you shouldn't even bother to try. (Sound familiar?)

    These are LIES.

    I'm sorry to say this, but unfortunately Depression isn't something you can shake off in a couple months and a few positive experiences. It's insidious. But! You ARE beating it. Trust me, even in a few short months you've done so much to beat it back, and I've no doubt--NO DOUBT--that you will continue to do so. This is a setback, that's all. It happens. But you mustn't let the Depression take hold. There is so much more good stuff out there waiting for you that it doesn't want you to see.

    THAT is the truth.

  8. I was wondering why you left he groups. Oh Sophie.. I wish I could give you all the hugs. Remember people LOVE you. I hope you find your way back to the work group pages. <3

  9. Oh, Sophie, I'm only on my 15 at our shared company, but I just read this and I must beg you to hang on. I have to go back on the floor, but I believe you matter greatly. Hang on, please!

  10. I think you, perhaps more than most, know why you can't let the Darkness win. Not just for yourself, but for those who would remain. Read these comments, look Linda in the face, pour over pictures of your daughter, remember YOU are living your truth, and don't forget you have people who give a damn about you. Our relationship may be virtual, but even I can see that.
    There is light in your life, Sophie.
    When shit like this happens, it may cause you to close your eyes to those things. Rant, rave, cry, whatever... just remember to open them again. The Darkness only remains as long as you choose to keep them shut. No one here is saying never let them be closed. Sometimes that's what's needed to block out the level of ugliness that people like Impatient exude. But if you keep them closed, you will miss all the light you DO have.

    On a less maudlin and philosophical note, and because I do not work for that company, and since I gave up being PC ages, ago... F' THAT WASTE OF OXYGEN! MAY SHE GET HIT BY A BUS AND DIE!


  11. This type of sh-t situation is when double down on my converstions with my Creator always comes through for me as a result....may I encourage you to the same arrangement of priority?

  12. Happiness is not a lie, it's a chosen lifestyle. Situations can be exhilarating, or can be disastrous to our emotional state. You are so many 'good things', I could write a list. Learning to 'ride the waves' created by things situational, is 'learned' and practiced.

    I love you, my dear friend...and I want to see you well in every facet of your life. <3

  13. Happiness is not a lie. Happiness is kind of like flowers and the weather - they come and go, sometimes are fleeting, and you must enjoy them while they are here. So yeah, run with the happiness while it is here, know that it is real, and appreciate it because we both know that the shitty weather will return, and the flowers don't bloom year round.

  14. As a Penn State graduate, there are many resources available to you if you are interested in trying to find a job that would minimize your interactions with such bigoted people (non-retail most likely)

    1. Thank you for that. However that is University of Pennsylvania, not Penn State.
      Can't hurt to try though...

  15. It gets better - We have all been there - Hang in there.