Crossdresser Questionnaire

I saw this on Facialbook, and it looked fun.  As long-time readers of this blog know, I consider crossdressers to be part of the transgender tapestry.  "There but for the grace of God" and all that.  Most crossdressers I know (and I know many) would transition if they could, but circumstances prevent that.  I know a few who dress purely for the enjoyment of "art."  But not many.  

I'll put a "clean" copy in the comments for those that wish to fill it out for their social media. 

A lot of these questions were covered by previous blog entries, which I will link where appropriate.

As none of these questions reveal anything about passwords or such, here we go...

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100 Crossdressing Questions Answered

1. How old were you when you realized you were different? 

Four.  I remember it distinctly. 

2. How old were you when you first tried wearing women’s clothes, make up etc? 

Mum dressed me as a girl for Halloween when I was seven.  Aside from that, I was twelve when I started dressing on my own.  

 

3. Have you ever told anyone you were a Crossdresser?

Before coming out to my wife, no.  Now everyone knows my "dark secret."

4. At what age did you come up with your femme name? 

It was December 2008, so I was 42.  Details HERE.

5. Did you use any other femme names before you chose your current name if so what was it?

For maybe a month before Sophie, I was Lisa.  Lisa is now my middle name to honor Lisa Empanada. 

6. How did you come up with your Femme name?

Karen at Femme Fever gave it to me.  Details HERE (same link as above)

Femme Fever Dec. 2008

7. Have you ever been caught dressed?

Once, by my older brother. Story HERE.  I had several close calls, but only caught the one time- and that was because I was wearing makeup. 

8. How did the people you told take it?

Wife took the crossdressing part as well as could be asked.  I lost 90% of my friends.  Many said they'd support me than disappeared.  My family disowned me for a while.  Mother in law threw me out.   

9. Are you married? 

Yes. 

10. Does your spouse know? and if so are they accepting? 

Yes.  See #8 above.

11. What was the first article of women’s clothes you ever bought?

Pantyhose.  Leggs. In the plastic egg.

12. What was the last article of women’s clothes you bought? 

A swimsuit.  One piece.

13. Long or short skirts? 

I used to love short skirts, but now I prefer mid or knee length.

14. Do you venture out dressed? If yes how often do you go out dressed? 

Well, yes.  I've been full time for over ten years.  

15. If you could go back and change one thing about your Crossdressing what would it be? 

Wow.  Maybe not beat myself up for it all those years.  Or not to have the urge to do it (which turned out to be gender dysphoria.)

16. Do you feel being a Crossdresser makes you a better person? If yes how so? 

It caused me a lot of pain and pleasure.  The pain of lying to my wife, and the eventual destruction of my life as I knew it.  In the end, I am a better person, as before transition, I was an angry asshole.  The anger is mostly gone now.  I may not be happy, but I am at peace.

17. How long were you dating / married before you told your significant other or spouse?

We had been married 19 years at that point.  

18. What is your favorite article of clothing? 

I have a favorite bra, but my fave has to be my teal dress.  I like it so much that I bought a second one which waits, still in its plastic, if the other one is ever ruined or torn or whatever.

This dress (#18 above)

19. If you have bought your own clothes, have you ever had any issues with store clerks?

No, I never have.  Funny, right?

20. What is your greatest Crossdressing accomplishment?

I think it's an accomplishment that I went out in public at all.  I'd have to say it was the friendships I developed over time.  If not for people like my "big sister" Mel, Lisa Empanada, Linda Lewis, Ally Raymond, Amanda Richards, Victoria Datta, Kimberly Huddle, Jenny J, and Jen L, and so many others, I would be long dead.  

21. What is your favorite brand of make up?

MAC.  It usually works for me.  

22. Do you wear perfume? If yes what is your favorite fragrance?

I do when I get really dressed up.  I usually wear Clinique "Happy".  Do they even make that nay more?  I'm almost out.

23. How many lipsticks do you own? 

Umm... I never counted.  Somewhere around 10 I think.  Mostly MAC, but some others. 

24. What is your favorite color of lipstick called?

MAC "Syrup" is what I wear the most.

25. Did you buy breast forms or do you make your own?

I bought them, and eventually sold them on eBay.  My breasts are all natural now.  

26. Do you ever have dreams related to Crossdressing? if yes what was it? 

Funny enough, no.  All my life I would be female in some dreams, male in others, or switch back an forth.  Still that way.

27. When not dressed how often do you think about it, for example while at work? 

I used to- really often.  When I was dressing once a month, I would plan my outfits all month.

28. Favorite hair removal method? 

I did laser, and some electrolysis.  The laser lasted around 10 years, but my beard is now coming back.  It's frustrating.

29. If you could spend a day with anyone else dressed who would it be? 

As I'm full time, this no longer applies really.  I love hanging out with my friends as it's been so long.

30. Do you have space in the closet for your clothes or do you have to hide them? 

At first I hid them in boxes in the basement, labeled "Games." We'd moved from Baltimore and most of our stuff were in boxes in the basement.  I eventually got a storage space, which came in handy when I was thrown out.  Now, they are the only clothes I have.

31. Have you ever purged your clothes? 

August 1983.  I was going to be a MAN, and men don't wear dresses.  I fell into a deep depression and couldn't understand why.

32. Given the opportunity would you take a job where you could work as either your male or female self at any time? 

Again, not applicable.  I'm full time.  

33. Do you paint your natural finger nails or use fake ones? 

I have some fake nails for special occasions, but usually natural. 

34. What Color do you like to use on your finger nails? 

Brilliant red, but lately I've done others.

35. Do you keep your toe nails painted? 

No, except when I treat myself to a pedicure.  

36. What color nail polish do you like best on your toes? 

Usually brilliant red.  I'm dull.

37. If you wear make up what part do you find the hardest to learn how to do? 

Eyes- specifically fake lashes.  I've never been able to do those.

38. Have you ever had a professional make over? 

Yes. Mostly from the legendary Amanda Richards, but not all.  I love makeovers.  

39. Have you ever worn a Bikini or other swimsuit? 

Yes 

40. Do you own or have you ever worn a Wedding Dress?

Yes, at an Amanda Richards photoshoot.  

41. Do you own a wig or use your own hair? 

My own hair, but I may have to go back to wigs due to hair loss. I still have wigs.

42. How often are you able to dress up during the week? 

24/7/365.  I paid the price.

43. How many Blouses do you own? 

No idea.

44. How many Skirts do you own? 

No idea.

45. How many Dresses do you own? 

No idea.

46. How many bra’s do you own? 

Over 20.  I should go through them... 

47. How many pair’s of panties do you own? 

Around 20.  Maybe 5 shapewear. 

48. What is your favorite color for lingerie? 

Red or black.  My daily ones are usually black or buff.

49. Pantythose or Thigh Highs? 

I don't have occasion to wear them, but I prefer pantyhose. 

50. Favorite place to shop for misc items? 

I prefer to shop local.

51. Favorite place to shop for Make up? 

Ulta is the only place in town.

52. Favorite place to shop for clothes? 

Torrid, Long Tall Sally

53. Favorite place to shop for Lingerie? 

I usually get that from online as there's few place around here.

54. Best time you can think of spent dressed up? 

Two come immediately to mind.  Lisa's affirmation party, and the Debutante Ball that friends threw for me on my one-year transition anniversary.

Debutante ball

55. If you could have the ultimate day out where would you go? 

A day on vacation with my wife, daughter, and Linda.  Somewhere fun.  

56. Funniest thing that’s ever happened to you while Crossdressing? 

I've had many fun times with my dear friends.  I can't think of one right now.  If I do, I'll add to this.  

57. Do you have pierced ears or wear clip ons?

Pierced.  It was one of the first things I did.  2009?  2010?

58. Do you wear heels? 

When I have an occasion, yes. 

59. How long did it take you to learn how to walk in heels? 

I used to practice this.  Many hours.

 

60. How many pairs of heels do you own? 

Maybe 10. My day to day are flats.

61. Name an article of Women’s clothing you can’t live without? 

Bras. I mean, duh.

62. What is one article of Women’s clothes you don’t like? 

Tops that bare the midriff.

63. Do you sleep in a nightie?

Occasionally.  

64. What type of panties do you like? 

I love the silky ones, but most of mine are cotton.

65. What is your Favorite color for a dress? 

I'm told that I look good in jewel tones.  I also have a lot of black.

66. When you’re wearing pantyhose, what do you do with your junk? Let it be free or tuck it up and tape? 

I used to have to tuck but not anymore. 

67. What stops you from ‘dressing’ in public? Fear of yourself or of others? 

I was afraid of the consequences... almost all of which happened. 

68. When did you first know your taste in fashion was different from other boys? 

Around 4

69. When did you tell your wife? What was her reaction?

As above, May 3, 2012.  Story HERE. 

70. What would you tell your 5 year old self if you could? 

You aren't alone.  You aren't a freak.  

71. Do you shave your chest and armpits as well as your legs? 

Armpits.  Thanks to HRT, I don't really need to shave my chest.  Thank God, as furry boobs would suck.

72. Have you ever told anyone and they reacted badly? 

Almost everyone when I came out.  Aside from that, not really

73. What was your most surprising reaction when telling someone? 

I call him "R" in my blog.  Details HERE.

74. For most women, taking the bra off at the end of the day and having a good under-boob scratch is the equivalent to a man scratching his nut-sack. Is it the same when you take off your bra? 

Absolutely.  It feels great.  

75. How did you feel the first time you ‘dressed’? 

It felt “right”. It felt correct.  Like I was being me for the first time.

76. How did you feel the last time you ‘dressed’? 

N/A as I'm full time.

Last time I wore makeup- a couple of weeks ago

77. Do you and your wife share clothes? 

Hell no.  She's a petite woman and I'm a fat mess.

78. What do you wish everyone understood about why you dress that no one seems to really get? 

That being transgender is biological- e don't choose this.  And we aren't "groomers" or anything evil.  We just want to live our lives.

79. Do you prefer skirts and dresses or pants? 

Skirts and dresses. I wore pants for 47 years- that's enough.

 

80. How do you hide your 5 o’clock shadow? 

I use Mehron beard cover.  then foundation over that.   

81. If you could go somewhere on the planet where not one soul knew who you were and publicly dress, would you? 

Back in the day, I realized quickly that when I was fully enfemme, I was unrecognizable.  I may be clocked as a cd, but not as [dead name].  I avoided the places I frequented as a guy, though.  The funny part was that the party I'd go to was, for years, in a restaurant right next door to the bookstore where I worked.

82. Do you think you’ll ever tell your children? 

I did- right before I transitioned.  Story HERE.

83. What will you tell your children (if you don’t intend to tell them) and they find out accidentally?  

I never considered that, as she was 6 when I transitioned, and I never dressed as Sophie when she was home, so...

84. Why aren’t women who wear menswear considered cross-dressers? 

Because masculinity is fragile and must be proven almost every day, while femininity is never questioned.  A woman in guy clothes is still a woman- a lesbian is still a woman.  If a guy dresses as a female or is gay, other men consider him effeminate and therefore week and not a man.  There were many studies done on this, like:

Stanaland, A., Gaither, S., & Gassman-Pines, A. (2023). When is masculinity “fragile”? An expectancy-discrepancy-threat model of masculine identity. Personality and social psychology review, 27(4), 359-377. 

85. Where the hell do you find shoes to fit? 

On-line.  Such as HERE, HERE, and HERE among others.

86. What is the longest you have ever dressed for? 

123 months.  Or 536 weeks.  Or 3753 days.  You get the idea. 

87. Do your bra and panties have to match? 

Sometimes.  I don't really try to match them as nobody will see them.

88. Do you find there is a big difference between your male and female self? If so how? 

I was much angrier and in "pain" s a guy.  I felt like a failure as a man- unable to provide for my family, etc.  Now I'm at peace.  Not happy- just at peace.  And that will have to be enough.

89. Does it matter to you if you “Pass” or not? 

It would be great to pass, and I try to as much as possible, but it’s not really realistic.  I like to show cleavage as it's a feminine signal, but...

90. Do you “Pass”?

Hell no.

91. How long does it take you to get all dressed up? With makeup? 

Depends upon how much makeup.  Anywhere from 30- 90 minutes.  Back in the day it took at least 90 minutes. 

92. If you had a chance to remove your desire to Crossdress would you take it? 

Too late now, but yes- absolutely.

93. Do you have any female role models and if so who are they? 

As a crossdresser, they were Linda Lewis, Ana Christina Garcia, Heidi Phox, Kimberly Huddle... so many.  Now?  Sophie Scholl, Jennifer Finney Boylan, Donna Rose, others as well.  And every transgender woman who lives her Truth.  

With Ana Christina Garcia at Keystone Conference 2022

 

94. Do you listen to anything while getting ready? 

Sometimes.  Usually 80s stuff or Grateful Dead

95. What do you hope to accomplish by Crossdressing? 

This is really a stupid question.  If anything, I hoped to find peace and perhaps the companionship of people like myself.  I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone with this.

96. What do you expect crossdressing to teach you about being a woman and the experiences associated with it? 

I don’t pretend to know what a cisgender woman experiences. But I now understand what it means to be without male privilege, and what it means to have rights stripped away.

97. Do your personal or political views change as a result of the experiences of crossdressing? 

No.  I've always been a raging liberal.  However, it's made me more outspoken about rights, like I was in my teens/twenties.

98. Has your views on relationships changed with crossdressing in your life? 

No.  I just miss what I had with wife and daughter.   

99. What was your best Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from what was noted above, I'd say that first look into the mirror at Femme Fever at Sophie.  I didn't recognize myself.

Sophie's first picture

100. What was your worst Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from being thrown out, which wasn't really a "crossdressing" experience...  Easily Lisa's funeral.  I don't know how I survived that month.

Letter to PA Rep Chrissy Houlahan, (D) PA 6th District

Today I received an email from Rep. Chrissy Houlahan, (D: PA6) who represents my former home of Phoenixville (where Wife and Daughter still live.)  It was all about Pride and Juneteenth and how happy she was to celebrate both. 

Me with then newly elected Congresswoman Houlahan, Nov 2018.

In reply, I sent the following letter:

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Dear Congresswoman Houlahan,  

In an email sent 6/21/2024, you wrote:

This month, we've been able to celebrate that diversity in so many ways, and I want to highlight it here for you all! 

And yet, transgender people (especially transgender women) are still being targeted by bigoted laws and violence.  Remember the T part of that acronym?  Well, we need help- desperately.

 

The GOP made clear its plans "Eradication" (see Project 2025, also CPAC march 2023),  Trump said "On day one, I will sign a new executive order to cut federal funding for any school pushing critical race theory, transgender insanity, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content onto the lives of our children" (TPUSA speech, June 15, 2024)  

Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 602 bills (42 passed) and we’re only 1/2 through the year. (https://translegislation.com/)

 

The night you were first elected, I met you at the victory party, as I worked on Rep. Shusterman's campaign.  I said "Transgender people need help.  Can you help us?"  And you said you would.  You may not remember this, but I do.  So I ask: what have YOU done?  Specifically.  (I already know the answer.)  In fact, the one picture I've attached shows me saying that to you (by coincidence.)  

 

I know I am just one person from a small minority of voters, but we NEED help.  NOW.  A careful reading of Project 2025 states intent: 

 Project 2025 wants to label our very existence as ‘pornographic’ and threatening to children, which to them is punishable by execution.

 “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection. Its purveyors are child predators and misogynistic exploiters of women. Their product is as addictive as any illicit drug and as psychologically destructive as any crime.  Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders [emphasis mine]. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” (Project 2025, p.5)

 “[The next conservative Administration] should also pursue the death penalty for applicable crimes—particularly heinous crimes involving violence and sexual abuse of children [emphasis mine]—until Congress says otherwise through legislation. [footnote referenced]”. (p. 554).

Oh, what does the footnote say? “This could require seeking the Supreme Court to overrule Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008), in applicable cases, but the department should place a priority on doing so.” (p. 576)

554 U.S. 407 reads “Sentencing a defendant to death for any crime other than homicide or crimes against the state is unconstitutional per se under the Eighth Amendment.” (“Kennedy v. Louisiana, 554 U.S. 407 (2008)”)

 

Congresswoman Houlahan, I'm studying anti-transgender hate for my PhD dissertation at Penn State.  I follow what the GOP and associated hate groups (Heritage Foundation, Focus on the Family, etc) have done and are doing.  I'm terrified.  

 

I ask again:  PLEASE HELP US!

 

Yours, 

 (sign off)

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I don't expect an answer, or, if one comes, it'll be a form letter or a letter asking for donations.  If anything else comes, I'll let you know, dear reader.

As Maddow says: "Watch this space."

(Note: the Representative for State College is GT Thompson who is MAGA to the core, and attended his gay son’s wedding THREE DAYS after opposing protections for same-sex marriage.  Writing to him would be a waste of time.)

Be well.

Helping a Dad

I mention occasionally that I work for the campus LGBTQ Center here at Penn State.  PSU is still between Maymester and the start of Summer semester, so there are few students here, but the Center is still open.  One event that happens is New Student Orientation (NSO) which happens all summer.  During this time, groups of new students attend a two-day orientation here, along with their parents.  The students stay together in a couple of dorms, while the parents stay wherever.  

One of the activities for NSO is the Organizational Fair, where the students and parents see tables staffed by various organizations (orgs) and can get information and swag.  Of course, the Center is there, and we have the most colorful table and swag.  Go figure- lots of rainbows.  Like my fellow staff, I take my turns working at the table.  I see a mix of just parents, kids and parents, and just kids.  Sometimes I get the evil eye from grown-ups who steer their kids far around our table (so they don't "catch the gay" I guess), or adults alone who glare.  That's part of the fun.  I give them my sweetest smile.  

Last August's issue of Town and Gown

Sometimes I see a student walk by with parents, looking at the table but not stopping.  By now, I can tell which ones will be back without their parents- the ones who are closeted.  Occasionally a parent stops alone, anxiously asking questions about the Center and about the environment of PSU for LGBTQ students.  Fortunately, PSU has come a long way from my undergrad days in the 80s in many things, and one of them is with LGBTQ.  Penn State is ranked #2 in the country by Campus Pride for LGBTQ acceptance and policies.  It's still not perfect, but it's far better than many places. 

Ok, that's a long introduction to an encounter I had yesterday.  I was not working the table, but I was working.  A parent came into the Center- maybe about my age- said he works for the University, and that his stepdaughter will be attending PSU this fall, and she is transgender.  Dad wanted to know about transgender healthcare, acceptance, policies... the whole schmear.  

I showed him the pamphlets about those very topics, and while there answered all of his questions.  Where can she get hormones?  Are there therapists with Gender diverse experience?  What about doctors?  Is there a place she can get hair removal done?  And of course: will she be "safe" here?

The answers are all in the pamphlets, but I answered them one by one.  Yes, the University has a transgender health team which includes therapists.  Yes, she can get hormones here (after a screening), and they are covered by student insurance.  Hair removal services are available in town.  As far as safety- this generation is far more accepting than ours (he and mine) ever were- being transgender just isn't that big of a deal to most kids... to a point.  She'll be as safe as any woman is here at PSU assuming she is smart: never go to parties alone.  Always keep your drink with you.  Never go upstairs at a fraternity house unless you really KNOW the people you're going with.  All the precautions that co-eds must take because some guys can be predatory.  Is there anti- trans prejudice here?  Yes.  But it's far far better than many places.  And the Center can help when it happens.  We also have a mentorship program here at the Center of which I am a part, to help guide them through the obstacles that transition and school throw at people.

So, I told him all of this.  Me- a transgender woman wearing a tank top and peasant skirt, a parent of a daughter, and a Penn State alumna, answered all of his questions again and again.  I walked him through the pamphlets.  

Last week

When I finished, you'd think I gave him front row seats to see his favorite band.  He was happy- no, Joyful- and so many of his fears were assuaged.  She will be coming to NSO later this summer, and she will stop by the Center.  I think the answers he sought were more for him than her.  Him- a concerned supportive parent.  A loving parent who wants the best for his child.  

The whole encounter lasted maybe twenty minutes, and when it ended, he went on his way, beaming.  I went back to the desk and told my (undergrad) coworkers about the encounter.  But I didn't tell them everything.

I didn't tell them how the encounter made me feel.  I really feel that I made a difference yesterday in the people's lives.  I felt like I DID something.  Usually I feel utterly worthless, and that I'm just a waste of oxygen... but not yesterday.  I did something.  I felt... good.  Worthwhile.  That's a rare feeling for me.

Last night, I spoke to Wife on the phone and told her that story.  After, I told my roomie/bestie Linda.  She asked why I didn't tell her the story earlier in the evening (it was around 10).  I replied that it wasn't that big of a deal, and I didn't think she'd be interested.  She disagreed.  Linda said that these are the stories she WANTS to hear.  These are the stories I should post on facialbook or here in the blog.  Stories of something good.

So, there you have it, dear readers.  A happy story for a change.  Thank Linda.

Be well.

A Lot of Gall

So, I was going to keep it quiet that yesterday morning, June 5, 2024, I had my gall bladder removed due to gall stones.  (I no longer have a lot of gall.)  That's what caused me all the pain that sent me to the ER on Christmas day and again a few weeks after.  Outpatient procedure- was home by 10 am.  Ate a little something and took a nap...

Gall Bladder.  Looks like a Lovecraftian slug

Photo source

Then woke up in incredible pain- even more than the gallstones.  It hurt so bad, I could barely move my diaphragm, so I could barely breathe.  I was pouring sweat, yet no temperature.   Linda had gone to get my pain killer prescription, so I was alone.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  So I called the hospital for instructions.  They told me to call 911, which I did.   

First, Linda returned.  Then two police officers showed up.  They told me the ambulance was coming soon.  Seemed like an eternity.  After a bit, the ambulance arrived.  They couldn't find a vein for an IV (they tried and missed), so they gave me an intermuscular shot of fentanyl using a huge needle.  The ambulance ride was really bumpy, and really hurt.  It was like they had lead pipes for shock absorbers.

I couldn't breathe- it hurt so bad.  The paramedics said I was pale grey, like death.  (Technical term is cyanotic, in case you're wondering.)

When they got me into the emergency room, the fentanyl started kicking in, making me dopey.  The nurses drew blood (that was an experience as well) and I waited.  I talked to the male nurse.  He was a combat medic (Navy) attached to the 78th Company, 6th Marines (He had a tattoo saying 78th), which was a famous unit in World War 1.  He did three tours in Afghanistan and one at Gitmo before mustering out. Linda arrived a while later with a book and my phone charger... but I'd forgotten my glasses, so it didn't matter.

Blood test came back negative for sepsis. Probable explanation:  During surgery, they inflated my abdomen with carbon dioxide to give more room to work (laparoscopic pneumoperitoneum).  At the end, they let out the air... but not all of it escaped.  They told me to expect gas to escape from forward and rear orifices... but it didn't.  So... the pain.  The gas was compressing my diaphragm, which was why I couldn't breathe.

Yep, that's how I felt.

They injected me with oxytocin and gave me the option of leaving or staying overnight.  I chose home.  I can't afford an overnight stay.  I was still doped up, but going back to the apartment.

Bill: $300 co-pay.  No idea for much the ambulance cost.  Sigh.  

Today, it still hurts, but nowhere near as badly.  I'm rationing the pain pills, as I don't have many.  Also drinking a LOT of water and taking Dulcolax as the pills tend to cause constipation, and I'm in no condition to fight that.

Why am I posting all this?  Well, if you're having intense abdominal pain, and doctors can't figure it out, it may be gallstones.  Also, I felt like posting it.  So there.

My stylish gown, post-surgery

Be well.

Gen X vs Gen Z 80s Music Lists

In addition to my PhD studies here at PSU, I also work at the LGBT Center part time.  There I do various things, including (for a while) delivering and re-doing transgender training programs (they have hired someone to do that job who isn't me.  Apparently I'm not a 'good ambassador.)  In any case, PSU celebrates Pride Month in April, as no one is here in June (comparatively.) Of the three signature events of the month, one is the "Prom you didn't have" where students can be themselves.

This year, the theme was "Decades of Decadence", and we had displays about LGBT history pre-1920, 1920, and each decade until now.  I was assigned 1920s, 30s, and 40s, where I drew a lot of what was happening from Weimar Germany (which I wrote about HERE) and Pansy Parties of the 20s and 30s.  The music for this prom would be drawn from decades between 1920-current.  I was asked to find music from my time periods.  What?? The Queen of 80s music doesn't get to select 80s music!  A woman who LIVED the 80s is denied?  

The History Panels, each seven feet high

I got over it.

Fortunately, I know enough about 20s-40s music to be dangerous, and I sent selections for each decade.  But I wondered... what 80s music would the person selecting the 80s music choose?  What music would someone born decades after the Decade of Greed and MTV select as the most appropriate dance-ish music of the decade?  

So I made my list.  As I didn't attend the event (that would've been creepy and thrown off the 'vibe'), I asked the Gen Z student (GZ) for their list so I could compare.  I told them about my little thought exercise.  They sent me the following (to which I've added links.)

"80s-

- “Take on Me” a-ha (upbeat dance)

- “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” Tears for Fears (upbeat dance)

- “Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners (upbeat dance)

- “Careless Whisper” George Michael (cooldown)

- “Time After Time” Cyndi Lauper (slow dance)

- “The Way You Make Me Feel” Michael Jackson (upbeat dance)

- “Never Tear us Apart” INXS (cooldown)"

Art by Nagel.  He defined the early 80s.

I then sent her my list, with comments.  I added links.

"Interesting (And great choices!)  I went for all upbeat.  And didn't look at yours, as that's the point of this exercise.  

Billie Jean - Michael Jackson (over Beat It as it's just iconic.  That bass line!  Michael is one of 4 "must have" mainstream artists)

Vogue - Madonna (Madonna is a must have, and this one set off a craze.)

Tainted Love - Soft Cell (yes, a cover, but iconic.)

1999 - Prince (This barely beats out Let's Go Crazy or Kiss.  Prince is another "must have")

Girls Just Want To Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper (Just pure joy from one of the most original mainstream 80s artists)

The Safety Dance - Men Without Hats (Oh come on- this is just fun!  Bouncy silly fun song about nuclear annihilation)

Pump Up the Volume - M/A/R/R/S (That groove!) (The video isn't official, but it's fun)

Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood (Gay icons break through with an infectious hook.  I prefer Two Tribes, but this one is the better known)

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham! (Another "must")

Nasty - Janet Jackson (Attitude, beat... yes!)

(Obviously, I had to leave a lot out.  But these are what I remember as being inescapably huge songs in the clubs of the time)"

***********************************************************

In a second email, I sent this:

"My thoughts on your selections (like you care)  😉 :

- “Take on Me” a-ha (upbeat dance)  This was the last one I cut.  It was between this and "Pump Up the Volume."  This one is iconic.

- “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” Tears for Fears (upbeat dance)  Gen X theme song.  I didn't include it as it just isn't as danceable.

- “Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners (upbeat dance)  Huh.  I wasn't aware that y'all knew this Celtic mess of a song.  One of my personal faves, an the dirtiest mainstream #1 hit of the 80s

- “Careless Whisper” George Michael (cooldown)  Iconic.  Perfect choice for cooldown.  If I'd included slower numbers, this would be there.

- “Time After Time” Cyndi Lauper (slow dance) Co-written by Rob Hyman of the Hooters (who sings backup), this was my first girlfriend and my "song."  Again, iconic and would've been included over True Colors.

- “The Way You Make Me Feel” Michael Jackson (upbeat dance)  My personal MJ fave, but I'll stick to Billie Jean.  Still... this groove...  (loses points for the stalky creepy video)

- “Never Tear us Apart” INXS (cooldown) Is this their best slow song?  Easily.  Moody, smoky, heartbreaking.  Again, if I'd included slow jams, this would be there.  Don't Change is still my fave INXS song, which was simply amazing live.  

A couple of slow jams I'd consider as well:

Keep on Loving You- REO Speedwagon (8th grade dance heaven)

You're the Inspiration- Chicago.  (Barely over Hard to Say I'm Sorry)

True- Spandau Ballet.  So smooth.  Senior year dance vibes.  

I'm that type of guy- LL Cool J.  Smooth hip grinder.  

Purple Rain- Prince.  Duh."  

They never responded to the emails, so I never knew what they thought of my selections or comments (they mentioned they were surprised that they were aware of Come On Eileen, as it's very well known to Gen Z.)  

I asked AI to generate a list of 80s greatest dance party hits.  It returned:

Break my Stride- Matthew Wilder

Don't Stop Believin'- Journey

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics

Girls Just Want to Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper

Every Breath You Take - the Police

So obviously our robot overlords don't know squat about 80s dances.  

So, what do I think of their list, and how it compares to my crusty old self's list?  

As I wrote GZ, their list was interesting.  Obviously it would be very hard to screw this list up, but it could be done.  I'd say their choices are 'safe' and kinda what I'd expect from someone who is passingly (is that a word?) familiar with the decade's music.  Then again, my selections were 'safe' as well, spanning several genres but avoiding others that might be less... identifiable, like Electronica (Kraftwerk), Avant Garde (Grace Jones comes to mind), a deeper dive into various hip hop genres (Run DMC, Grandmaster Flash, Sugerhill Gang), or more New Wave/New Romantics, like Adam Ant and Elvis Costello (Goody Two Shoes and Pump It Up almost made my list.)

In many ways, the music of the 1980s (my high school and college years) is timeless.  It brings back memories of times good and bad, and especially of the days when the music MATTERED.  Music was my escape from my life at the time and meant everything to me.  In many ways it still does despite my hearing loss making listening more difficult.  It reminds me of a time when I was young, and the possibilities were endless if I could just escape my small town.  

I stopped being "current" with music around the end of Grunge, and really don't like much of the current stuff I hear.  Not to sound like my parents, but it all sounds the same to me.  I acknowledge the talent/genius of Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift, but I don't listen to their music.  It isn't MY music.  It isn't aimed at me.  So now I remain stuck in my little music cocoon of genres pre- 1994.  I listen to big band, Sinatra, Doo-wop, "classic rock", and my precious 80s music.  (I'm the Queen of 80s Trivia, btw.)  

In the end, my final evaluation and comparison is this: who am I to judge who like what?  Of course a Gen Z person would make safer choices than someone my age- they don't know the possibilities- the breadth and majesty of 80s music.  It would be like me making a list of 1960s music and comparing it to a hippie's.  Yes, I know a LOT about the era, but I didn't live it, and I don't know the nitty-gritty of the scenes.  What would I make for an 80s party for people my age?  I already did that: 4 CDs worth.  :)

Oh, in case you're interested, this is the list I sent in for 20s-40s.  I don't know if/what was played.  

1920s 

Eddie Cantor: Makin' Whoopee  (mid tempo) 

Sweet Georgia Brown (quick) 

Sophie Tucker (fast) / Bessie Smith (slow):   I Ain't Got Nobody 

Jelly Roll Morton: Black Bottom Stomp (fast-ish) 

Cole Porter (Ella Fitzgerald) : Let’s Do It (Let’s Fall in Love) 

Irving Berlin: "Puttin' On the Ritz" 

1930s 

Duke Ellington:  It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing) (mid tempo) 

Bennie Goodman: Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing) (fast- best known song of the big band era) 

Air Mail Special (fast) 

Cole Porter:   

    I’ve Got You Under My Skin 

    Night and Day  

    Anything Goes 

Andrews Sisters: "Nice Work If You Can Get It" 

Glen Miller:  "Moonlight Serenade" (slow, but guaranteed you know it) 

    Pennsylvania 6-5000 

Cab Calloway: Minnie the Moocher (mid tempo) 

Count Basie: One O’Clock Jump (fast) 

Louis Armstrong:  Stardust 

    Just a Gigolo (slow) 

Lil’ Armstrong: Lindy Hop (fast- spawned a dance craze) 

1940s 

Duke Ellington:  Take the A Train (mid-fast) 

    I Got It Bad (and That Ain’t Good) (slow- get the Ella Fitzgerald (best) or Nina Simone (if you         want a more modern interpretation) 

Glenn Miller: "Chattanooga Choo Choo" (fast) 

Andrews Sisters: "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" (all A.S. songs are fast) 

    "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree" 

    “Rhumboogie” 

Artie Shaw: Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive 

Be well.  

Dallas Denny's Keynote and Shoutout

Last week, I was stunned to hear that the legendary Dallas Denny quoted me in her TG Forum piece, which was from a keynote speech she delivered.  (Link to the TG Forum pieces HERE)

On the extremely unlikely chance that you've never heard of her, the following bio is from her website (linked above)

"Dallas Denny has been a leader in the transgender rights movement since the 1980s. Her work as an advocate,  writer, editor, and community builder have played a significant role in the advancement of rights for transsexual and transgender people in North America and around the world."

(from Wikipedia) "In 1990 Denny founded the 501(c)(3) nonprofit American Educational Gender Information Service (now Gender Education & Advocacy, Inc.). In the same year she started the Atlanta Gender Explorations Support Group and launched the print journal Chrysalis Quarterly. In 1993 she founded the National Transgender Library & Archive, which now resides in the Labadie Collection at The University of Michigan Library System. Also in the 1990s she continued the work of the Erickson Educational Foundation. She was a founder of Atlanta's transgender Southern Comfort Conference and provided start up funding, through AEGIS, for the first FTM Conference of the Americas. She was Director of the transgender conference Fantasia Fair for five years and from 1999-2008 editor of Transgender Tapestry Journal, published by the International Foundation for Gender Education.

Since 1989 Denny has produced dozens of flyers, booklets, and medical advisories, contributed considerable content to Chrysalis, AEGIS' several newsletters, and Transgender Tapestry, and written a column for TG Forum. She wrote hundreds of articles for transgender community magazines and newsletters, many of which were widely reprinted and eventually placed on the internet. In 1994 her book Gender Dysphoria: A Guide to Research was the first book-length contribution to the scientific literature of transsexualism produced by a transsexual."

Add to that, she's been a mentor and friend.  I'm honored beyond words that she would cite my work.  In any case, here's the piece, reprinted in full with her kind permission.  Please hit the TG Forum link to give her some hit love there too.

Dallas Denny (from FB)

*********************************************************************************

The following are my notes for the keynote I delivered at the third Paradise Conference, which was held in Atlanta from April 18-21, 2024. My thanks to TGForum contributor Sophie Lynne for her recent article here about anti-trans legislation and to Jamison Green, Chelsea Goodwin, and Lola Cola, for our conversations.

Here’s a link to Sophie’s article.

Disinformation, Misinformation, and Cognitive Dissonance

Keynote, Paradise Conference 2024

By Dallas Denny

Hello, everyone. It’s great to see old friends and friends soon to be live and in person.

I’m honored to have been chosen to give this keynote. I would like to thank Toni Cane and the board of directors of Paradise Conference for giving me this opportunity to address you.

Conferences like this are important. Contact with one another on social media and via e-mail is also important, but it doesn’t replace face-to-face contact. When we arrive here, we are with our tribe, and we know it and respond to it. We are loved without reservation and free to be ourselves, a luxury many of us don’t have in our everyday lives. So thank you, everyone, for being here.

I intended to talk today about something I have never really addressed in public—my life and my work. I have been an activist in this community since the 1980s and I have had a wonderful career and met many remarkable people and seen some amazing things. I have witnessed with joy the increasing freedoms and legal protections and growth of community that have occurred over the past 35 or so years— but  due to recent conversations with Jamison Green, Chelea Goodwin, and Lola Cola—who is in the room tonight—I asked  that my planned talk be moved to a workshop so that tonight I could talk about something more important  than myself.

I’ll introduce this topic by telling you about a Facebook post I read on the airplane on my way here to Atlanta. A woman, a stranger, scolded the man who wrote the post. She said to him, “This is San Diego. You need to speak English.” He asked her, “How do you say San Diego in English?” The result? A dumbfounded expression. This is important, and I will work my way back around to it.

What I am talking about tonight is the incredible rising tide of anti-trans rhetoric, violence, and legislation that is being directed at us. We are not strangers to violence and hate, but we have become the subject of a vast coordinated and well-planned attack from the far right. Since Rowe vs. Wade was disposed of by the U.S. Supreme Court, we have become, as my friend Sophie Lynne wrote in a recent article on the website TG Forum, the new bogeymen.

Those positioning themselves as our enemies are evangelistic Christians, white nationalists, a political party I will not mention, and a small group of women known as trans-exclusionary lesbian feminists. Sometimes they are even supported from within our own ranks. I’m looking at you, Caitlin Jenner! They are organized in ways we are not, and they are massively funded by billionaires and organizations including the Heritage Foundation, the Family Research Council, and the Alliance Defending Freedom. They lobby and influence local, state, and national congressmen and women and spread disinformation and misinformation about trans people to the American public.

Working in tandem, The American Legislative Exchange Council and the Congressional Prayer Caucus write anti-trans bills which they send to senators and congressmen in every state, who put them into play—and many become the law of the land.

In her essay, Sophie Lynne wrote “Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 539 bills (20 passed) and we’re only one-third of the way through the year.”

These bills span a wide range: Here are examples of some of the more moderate state bills that have been brought forth, many of which have become law and more of which will soon be: requiring teachers to use the birth names of students who have transitioned and criminalizing them for any mention of homosexuality or transgender identity. Requiring trans students to use the bathroom and locker rooms of the gender they were assigned at birth—can you imagine how traumatic and damaging that would be to a transitioned boy or girl? Banning students from participating in sports as a member of their identified gender. Requiring teachers to inform on trans children to their parents. And again, these are the milder ones.

In Texas, parents who affirm their trans childrens’ gender are subject to investigation by child protective services. In Tennessee—this one is not due to law, but to a malevolent state attorney general—Vanderbilt University was coerced into turning over the medical records of the patients of their gender clinic. I went to graduate school at Vanderbilt in the 1980s and a decade before that was a patient of their gender clinic. I find myself wondering if my records are with the Tennessee state attorney general.

Bills in some states have banned changes of gender marker on identifying documents like birth certificates and driver’s licenses, and in Florida, I believe it is, those who have changed their markers will now have their documents voided and replaced by ones with their birth genders. In another state—I believe Texas—honestly, reports of these bills are coming in so fast I can’t keep up with them—the attorney general has suggested putting all trans people on the sex offender’s list. Also in Texas, the governor has stated his plans to prevent any transgender or nonbinary person from teaching in schools. And in some states, gender-affirming medical treatment—not only hormones are prohibited for those under eighteen, but medicines that delay puberty so families will have time to sort things out.

As a result of this hate and legislative malevolence, violence directed at us is on the rise.

It should be obvious to everyone here that we are in great danger of being criminalized merely because we exist. Around the country, at every level, local, state, and national, trans people are struggling and mobilizing to stand up to this tyranny. We each can and should do our part. That doesn’t necessarily mean outing yourself or engaging in direct action like lobbying your congressperson. If you’re not comfortable with such, your dollars will help. But above all, I beg you—whatever your political affiliation, VOTE. Please. VOTE.

Now, you might think this wraps up my talk, but we’re only at the halfway point. I will now attempt to briefly explain to you why this is a dangerous moment for the world and for America.

When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, Americans got their news from trusted sources—primarily newspapers, magazines, and the evening news on the three existing channels:  ABC, NBC, and CBS. News was delivered by trusted commentators like Walter Kronkite and Chet Huntley and David Brinkley. Being journalists, they did their best to give America the news, and, being human, they sometimes skewed it a bit. But listeners had a common point of view from which to take exception and talk or argue about local, national, and international politics, fashion, and the weather.

Those days are long gone. Today there are channels leading to the left and others far, far to the right, and many people get their information solely or almost entirely from single sources that cannot in any reasonable fashion be called news. That of course increased the divide, But to make matters worse, since the mid 2010s there have been increasing sources of disinformation and misinformation. Countries like Russia, North Korea, China, and Saudi Arabia hire hundreds and thousands of English-speakers to twist facts or, more often, just make stuff up. They reach millions of Americans through fake but convincingly serious-looking websites and social media accounts. This makes it difficult and sometimes almost impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff, and as a result Americans, and especially gullible and low information Americans, have come to believe and build their private realities on things most bizarre: The earth is flat; the moon landing was faked by Stanley Kubrick. As an aside, I knew Kubrick’s cinematographer for the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey—Jack Malick, who, as Andrea Susan, was one of us. The moon landing was NOT faked. Jet contrails are a government plot to change the atmosphere or poison us. The Sandy Hook school shooting was staged and the bereaved parents are all paid actors. Democrats run a child pornography ring in the basement of a pizza restaurant that has no basement. Imagine the face of the MAGA shooter who showed up with his AR-15 and found that out. COVID vaccines are a government ploy to alter your DNA and allow the government to track you—as if they can’t already do that by pinging that cell phone in your hand. COVID itself, which killed more than one million Americans and left millions of others with long-term disabilities, is itself a hoax, Climate change is a hoax. 

People are absolutely convinced these things are true. They of course are not. They make absolutely no sense and are easily disproven by those who care to look at reliable sources, which most conspiracy theorists refuse to do. Instead, they find confirmation through social media accounts, some of which belong to fellow conspiracy theorists, and most of which are run by foreign trolls. They find a couple of disinformative articles on Google that justify their conclusions while failing to cite any actual data, and they call it doing research. That is absolutely NOT research. Research involves going to primary sources, and they’re too lazy to do that. Meanwhile, they scoff at and discredit scientists who are doing REAL research. And let me be clear.  Science is real. It is our most important tool. Without science, I would not have survived childhood, and neither would many of you. We would not be traveling to conferences like this in planes and cars, for there WOULD be no planes and cars. We would still be mired in illogical, superstitious beliefs that held humanity back for millennia.

To make matters worse, and soon to be far worse, now, suddenly, AI is upon is. We have already been told to believe what the bots are telling us and not our lying eyes and ears—now AI is being used to crank out disinformation in clever ways and create utterly believable images that DO trick our eyes and ears. I am forever seeing images on Facebook showing impossibly giant humans and female celebrities I know did nor pose in that swimsuit. They’re not real, but they LOOK convincingly real unless you count the fingers. But many people, I know, take it all in as fact.

This is the crux of our nation’s problem .

At this point half of the U.S. population believes Joe Biden, age 81, is too old to be President, and Donald Trump is not. Trump is three-and-a-half years younger than Biden and, should he win the November Presidential election, would be older than Biden is now at the end of his term. Half of the population believes Biden, who is extraordinarily mentally sharp and speaks in logically constructed sentences, is senile and Donald Trump, who shows clinical signs of senility and speaks in word salad, is sharp. I say this as someone with a license to practice psychology and who had a career as a psychometrist. Look at transcripts of Donald Trump’s speech. It wasn’t that way when he was younger. And compare it to transcripts of Joe Biden’s speech. Who is coherent?

I say this not to raise one Presidential candidate over another, but to point out that within a matter of weeks half of Americans came to believe Joe Biden is a decrepit, senile old man. Disinformation and misinformation. It’s devastatingly effective in the United States today.

As I conclude, I circle back, as promised, to the woman in San Diego. When her beliefs were challenged in a simple and direct way— “How do you say San Diego in English,”—what happened? Brain freeze.

In the mid-twentieth century, long before today’s sophisticated methods of mental manipulation came into play, a psychologist called Leon Festinger studied people with false fear-provoking ideas. He discovered that people with such beliefs were extraordinarily resistant to information that challenged their beliefs. They would in fact do considerable mental gymnastics to avoid even hearing data that was counter to their false beliefs. Festinger called this cognitive dissonance. And it perfectly describes the woman in San Diego.

This is why we’re in trouble. Half the population believes trans people are abusing children. Half believe we just want to invade bathrooms of the opposite sex. Half believe we are mentally ill, or sinners, or sexual deviants—and they will not be easily unconvinced.

However we identify—as crossdressers, as transsexuals, as transgender, as nonbinary—we must stand up for ourselves and our rights as Americans. And so I ask you again to, within the boundaries of your safety, do what you can to help being this country back into equilibrium. Contact politicians. Speak in public. Write letters to editors. And if you cannot do these direct things, consider working a phone bank, making calls that will not identify you, or mail postcards to voters. Provide financial support to organizations fighting for our freedoms—the American Civil Liberties Union, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and new groups that are forming. And please, vote, vote, vote!

Thank you for your time and attention.

For Mike

I sat on my sofa Easter night, watching a movie with my roomie/bestie Linda.  I also zipped through Facialbook, when I saw it.

My dear friend F.M. (Mike) Yates had passed.  

I was stunned.  I am still stunned.  I eventually learned that he'd died a few days earlier- of what I still don't know.  Now I'm writing about a true polymath- a renaissance man whose mutant power was being a friend to all, and I still can't believe he's gone.

Mike

I met Mike in 1989.  He worked at Comics and More in the King of Prussia mall.  I worked at TGI Fridays in the same mall.  On breaks, I'd occasionally go over to the comic store to see what was new.  He'd always engage me, finding out what I liked and making recommendations.  

One day, he told me there was a graphic novel I NEEDED to see.  He brought me a copy of  Sandman: Dolls House.  I never heard of this title.  The only Sandman comics I knew of were the golden age guy with the gasmask and the Kirby one from the 70s (who, I'd learn, makes an appearance in this book.)  I was dubious.  As I worked for tips, I had to be careful with my money (like I don't today?)  He insisted, and showed me a panel of the book.

I said "So?"

He said "that's Death- literally that's Death, saying "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

I bought the book, which was my introduction to the works of one of my now favorite authors, Neil Gaiman.  So, it's all Mike's fault that I spent maybe over a thousand on Gaiman's work.  

Of course, there was more to Mike than comics.  He produced videos, acted, made music, and his mashed potatoes were a food group unto themself.  Whenever I saw him, I knew that I'd be laughing to tears from his sharp wit.  Eventually, I started work in the hobby games industry, doing sales.  I made sure that wherever Mike worked was in my retailer list.  He eventually moved over to Showcase Comics in Bryn Mawr, so I did to (as far as comic purchases).  There I discovered a new group of friends for a shining moment, until I moved to Baltimore.  

Being hours away meant I didn't see him as often, but we'd often talk on the phone, especially if I needed a particularly thorny comics, TV, or movie trivia question answered.  I only stumped him once- and I was so proud that I did!  (I think it was a question about Benita Bizzare's henchmen in the Bugaloos: Woofer and Tweeter.)  

Mike was among the first to contact me after I sent my announcement video to dear friends.  He supported me completely- always.  He never misgendered me, nor messed up my name.  He was a true ally.

I am still stunned by the loss.  I don't know why he passed.  He had medical issues, so I guess that may be why.  In any case, the world is that much dimmer and less interesting with him gone.  I still can't find the words.  He was truly one of a kind.  I know he and Hugh are together again playing games and talking science fiction.

Sleep well, Mike.  May the four winds blow you safely home.