For Mike

I sat on my sofa Easter night, watching a movie with my roomie/bestie Linda.  I also zipped through Facialbook, when I saw it.

My dear friend F.M. (Mike) Yates had passed.  

I was stunned.  I am still stunned.  I eventually learned that he'd died a few days earlier- of what I still don't know.  Now I'm writing about a true polymath- a renaissance man whose mutant power was being a friend to all, and I still can't believe he's gone.

Mike

I met Mike in 1989.  He worked at Comics and More in the King of Prussia mall.  I worked at TGI Fridays in the same mall.  On breaks, I'd occasionally go over to the comic store to see what was new.  He'd always engage me, finding out what I liked and making recommendations.  

One day, he told me there was a graphic novel I NEEDED to see.  He brought me a copy of  Sandman: Dolls House.  I never heard of this title.  The only Sandman comics I knew of were the golden age guy with the gasmask and the Kirby one from the 70s (who, I'd learn, makes an appearance in this book.)  I was dubious.  As I worked for tips, I had to be careful with my money (like I don't today?)  He insisted, and showed me a panel of the book.

I said "So?"

He said "that's Death- literally that's Death, saying "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

I bought the book, which was my introduction to the works of one of my now favorite authors, Neil Gaiman.  So, it's all Mike's fault that I spent maybe over a thousand on Gaiman's work.  

Of course, there was more to Mike than comics.  He produced videos, acted, made music, and his mashed potatoes were a food group unto themself.  Whenever I saw him, I knew that I'd be laughing to tears from his sharp wit.  Eventually, I started work in the hobby games industry, doing sales.  I made sure that wherever Mike worked was in my retailer list.  He eventually moved over to Showcase Comics in Bryn Mawr, so I did to (as far as comic purchases).  There I discovered a new group of friends for a shining moment, until I moved to Baltimore.  

Being hours away meant I didn't see him as often, but we'd often talk on the phone, especially if I needed a particularly thorny comics, TV, or movie trivia question answered.  I only stumped him once- and I was so proud that I did!  (I think it was a question about Benita Bizzare's henchmen in the Bugaloos: Woofer and Tweeter.)  

Mike was among the first to contact me after I sent my announcement video to dear friends.  He supported me completely- always.  He never misgendered me, nor messed up my name.  He was a true ally.

I am still stunned by the loss.  I don't know why he passed.  He had medical issues, so I guess that may be why.  In any case, the world is that much dimmer and less interesting with him gone.  I still can't find the words.  He was truly one of a kind.  I know he and Hugh are together again playing games and talking science fiction.

Sleep well, Mike.  May the four winds blow you safely home.  

Scitman

Back in summer 1982, so much was changing in my world.  I was fifteen, with sixteen (and a driver's license) so tantalizingly close.  Some of my friends already were driving, and I envied their freedom.  They could leave this town and go to exotic places like MALLS and such without their parents.  It was the summer before my junior year in high school.  Local cable started carrying MTV which was brash, bold, and new at the time.  I was in my first summer of working at Burger King: a job which would define my high school 'social life' such as it was.  

And I was cross-dressing.  Whenever my parents went to the house down in Delaware, I stole chances to be feminine.  I'd ordered clothes from the Sears catalogue and used water balloons for boobs.  I felt what I was doing was absolutely wrong, and I didn't understand the compulsion.  I knew it was dangerous, and that the consequences for being caught would be extreme.

Still, I had a small group of friends- kind of two.  One group was the "D&D group" which consisted of Dr2Dave and another guy (who is now an MD), as well as "R".  I'm still friends with two of them.  The other group was among a group who orbited around a rather large baby faced guy we called Scitman.

Scitman was tall and very strong.  He was a lineman on the school football team, an outdoor sports enthusiast, and a genuinely nice guy.  However, among this particular group, Scitman was best known for his ability to belch, loud and long.  He could belch the entire alphabet at one go.  Childish, I know, but we were in our early teens.  

Occasionally joining us (usually on the basketball court) was a girl I'll call Pam.  Pam was tall, athletic (varsity girl's basketball) and incredibly smart.  In fact she was one of the top three of our class in GPA.  I think she had a crush on another guy in the group, who I'll call Bill.  Bill was also an outdoor enthusiast, loved basketball and bad jokes.  In any case, usually the group was me, Bill, and Scitman.  

Original Page One pencils

Back then, I really wanted to be a comic writer/artist.  I was also very much into D&D (go figure.)  In addition, I REALLY wanted people to like me, despite me being undersized and, well, different.  After all, I had this dark secret: cross dressing!  (Ominous crash of thunder).  I'd done a few short subject comics in ninth grade for my friends, and was published in the local newspaper for a while.  One day I bought a hardcover sketchbook and decided to fill it with a comic- a D&D comic, but one that people would like (D&D wasn't popular then.)  

And so Scitman the Barbarian was born.  I'd draw two or three pages at a time, usually while watching MTV.  On days that I wasn't working, I'd walk over the bridge to Royersford (where Scitman and the others lived, and try to find them- which I usually did, at the basketball courts.  There I'd show them the new pages, hoping to get laughs.  Sometimes I did- sometimes I didn't.  In any case, I enjoyed doing it, and saw the book as practice for my hopeful career. 

Page One Inked

Some of the poses I blatantly stole from Frank Miller's Daredevil, in both books I and II.  Also, some of the scenes have graphic violence, which was a way for me to release all the anger and frustration, as well as helplessness I felt.  Unfortunately, a few characters late in book I (a little in book II as well) are crude stereotypes that my 15 year old small town mind found amusing.  Looking at them now, I cringe.  Still, I'll ink them as drawn, and note that it was inappropriate then and now (like they do on Looney Tunes cartoon compilations.)  In any case, it's not like anyone will see them, as I don't intend to publish them.  This is an exercise in completion for me.

I finished the first book on July 29, 1982.  98 pages of cartoons- all in artists pencils.  My little circle loved it.  I bought another sketchbook and started on a sequel, imaginatively titled Scitman the Barbarian Book II.  

All Three Scitman books

I was a junior in high school.  Burger King had become my social life.  I was writing to various colleges for information (this was pre-internet) as I knew college was my only hope of escaping the small town where I was trapped.  People heard about Scitman, and the book was passed around the school.  In addition, I was practicing art and developing a portfolio.  Consequently, Scitman II had some new characters, again based on people I knew, new monsters and character types, and better artwork.  Looking back now at the two finished books, I could see the progression of my art as I did my best to improve my anatomical art and other aspects.  I finished Scitman II on April 22, 1983.  Would I continue?  Of course!  

This time, I couldn't find a sketchbook of similar size, so I bought a bigger one.  I decided that Scitman III would be inked and in color, but quickly abandoned that thought.  In this book, there were some new characters and villains, these taken from my BK friends among others.  I finished 56 pages of that book before stopping.  I'd fallen into deep depression after deciding to stop that cross-dressing foolishness and be a man.  In addition, I started training to be an Emergency Medical Technician.  And so, the Scitman saga ended.

From Scitman II

For my 10th high school reunion in 1995, I managed to photocopy (poorly) Scitman I, and gave copies to a few of the friends who appeared in it.  I didn't go to art school and wasn't a comic book writer artist.  I was selling toy soldiers for Games Workshop.  I dreamed of inking the books and somehow scanning them into a computer someday.  

Maybe five years ago, I bought artists pens from the book store where I worked.  I started inking Scitman, as I noticed the pencils were fading away after years in storage.  I didn't get far.  Recently, I broke out the pens again, and have been working on it again.  I'm more than 1/4 way through inking Scitman I now.  

From Scitman III

Time and transition has separated me from those friends.  All of them graduated from college and have lives and families.  At least one, Chuck, is dead.  I intend to finish inking at least book 1, and scan it in to the computer.  If I can finish both I and II, I'll then send the books to Scitman, whom I haven't spoken to in decades.  I think he'd still get a kick out of them.  After all, that was the point.  

Reading these books, I still see the kid craving attention, scared of what the future may hold.  In some ways, I'm still that kid- desperate to please others and craving acceptance.  However, I know now that acceptance will take more than me scribbling pictures- I'm just not that good at it.  I gave up on achieving acceptance long ago, as I never will.  Now, I just want peace.

In any case, in some universe somewhere, Scitman the Barbarian lives on, even if not from my pen.

(Addendum: I finished inking book 1 on Oct 31, 2022, over 40 years after I finished the pencil work.)

Be well.

From Scitman II

Collectables

I used to collect a great many things when I when I was first out of college (It's hard to collect anything when money is so tight.  That said, in college I collected hangovers), especially after I met Wife and I was able to get a relatively stable job in a game distribution company.   Go figure one of the things I collected were board games. I also collected miniatures, as well as Dungeons & Dragons books. One thing I saved my money to buy was a 1990 Captain America chess set, in pewter and brass.  I loved that, and couldn't wait until we had would have an actual house where it could be displayed.

Occasionally, I bought a comic book character statue.  Around that time, Wife and I collected video tapes of movies, because we didn't go out that much so at night we would drink wine and watch movies.  

This was a wonderful time.  I had friends with whom to game, money enough to pay the bills (as Wife made more than me, even at the beginning of her career.)  Our biggest expenses were my drinking and our weekly dinner date night.  

Unfortunately, my drinking was out of control and I spent a LOT. 

Wife is better with money than me. Things were looking up.  We were building a life Together.  Y'know, like normal people.  

At that point, I changed jobs.  When I took the job with Games Workshop, it also cut my income by a third.  I cut back expenses a bit, and started selling off a few things at conventions.  Eventually, we saved enough to buy a house.  I loved that house:  it was an end unit of townhomes, built with our input.  A dear friend who worked in construction built the deck for us.  Add to that, we shared a wall with an amazing couple (who are the best neighbors anyone could ever want) named Adam and Carol.  

We held many parties there, hosted some dinners, and eventually even got a dog.  And, finally, I was able to display my chess set.  Fortunately, it was not one of the things taken when the house was robbed.  My favorite times there were sitting on the couch with Wife after the day was done, drinking wine and listening to music.

Captain America Chess Set.  Pics swiped from an ebay auction.  Want it?  $524.00

Still, even with an occasional raise from GW, expenses were outpacing income.  Then, Wife was laid off.  

I began selling things I'd collected.  I began selling off comics.  Then the statues, one by one.  Board games that I didn't play for whatever reason.  Out of production miniatures.  Miniatures I'd painted.  Books.  Eventually, I sold some of the original art I'd collected.  I'd occasionally buy something on ebay just to turn it around to resell it, as I knew it was worth much more than I paid.  

It wasn't enough. 

One day, I sold the Captain America chess set to a comic book store.  I remember that day vividly.  I put the chess set, mint in factory box, on his counter.  He paid in cash, which I handed to Wife.  I was so sad.  I'd never even played a game with those pieces.  I felt like a complete failure.  We made the mortgage payment.  

I don't know why, but I thought of this image when writing this piece.  It's drawn in the art style of Wife.

Eventually, my job at GW was eliminated.  We sold the house we loved so much, and moved back to Pennsylvania.  I was deeply depressed.  Again, I started selling off things I'd collected.  No longer constrained by my employment with GW, I sold off most of my GW miniatures, including the armies I'd worked so hard to build and paint over the nine years I worked there.  I sold the last of the sellable statues in 2011.

Very Rare Game.  Sold January, 2011

Since that time, I've been selling to pay bills.  At first, it was to pay for things like the tuition for my masters degree.  Then our daughter was born.  Eventually, it was to buy feminine items and clothing, as my femme side re-emerged in 2008.  

Now, I still sell things, and occasionally buy.  Almost all of the high-end items are gone.  What few items are left aren't worth much to anyone really.  My once huge game collection fits on two ikea shelves.  Most of my books are in storage.  I tried selling some to a used book store, and they were very blunt about telling me that they weren't interested.  I've given many of my old books (mostly unread) for free to my friends who own Bramble Books in Spring City.  I figure it will help them make money.  (Their bookstore is thriving, btw.)  

In any case, a lot of the games I still have, I kept hoping that someday I'd actually have people with whom to play them.  I've had several of them for over thirty years, and a couple for forty.  At what point do I finally give up and either sell them or give them away?  (Before you ask, my roomie Linda isn't a gamer.  She builds amazing models from scratch.)

This morning, I'm exhausted.  I've worked on this piece for days, little by little.  Time to go to work.  I'm doing both jobs today.  Then work Friday, Saturday, Sunday...  

Maybe I'll just give it all away.  They'll make someone happy.  It's all wasted here.

Superman

I've written before about how I grew up reading comic books (I rarely read them now as I can't afford  them, and other reasons.). Yes, I was and am still a geek.

Seems like everyone has a favorite superhero.  These days it seems that most people are Batman or Spider-Man fans.  I love those characters too, but the one I identified with the most growing up was Superman.

Art: John Byrne

Some say Superman is boring or corny, or that he's too powerful.  I never saw the character that way. I had a few reasons for this.

First is really the basis of the character.  I remember they talked about it in an issue of World's Finest 292.

Superman as the Example- the beacon of Hope and Good.  Living as an example for people to follow, even without powers.

Kingdom Come #4, Mark Waid- writer, Alex Ross- artist

But there is something else- Superman is "the last son of Krypton."  Supposedly.  I mean, not counting Supergirl.  Or Superwoman.  Or New Krypton.  Are they still in continuity?  Oh whatever.  For this discussion, he's the only one.


Superman, for all his amazing powers, was alone.  Yes, he has adopted parents, friends, and a harem of women with the initials "LL," but could any of them crush coal into a diamond or fly?  (Ok, there were some cheesy 50s stories, but work with me.)

He was different, and he KNEW it.  He couldn't tell anyone about this difference.  Neither could I.

Remember, I grew up before the internet.  All I knew was my dying small town, and I KNEW how they would react if I announced my Truth.  If I even could announce it- all I knew is that I was different, that I was really a girl, and I thought I was the only one in the world like me.

Of course, I didn't want to BE Superman.  I mean, MAN.  No thank you.

I wanted to be Supergirl... or Superwoman.  I wanted to pull open my shirt and see the "S" on my breasts.

Being one of kind, even (especially?) with that kind power, is a special kind of lonely.  I couldn't talk to ANYONE about it.  In fact, I had to hide it, and do my best to deny any much desired femininity.  Remember, the 70s and 80s were the time of the "macho" hero.  Burt Reynolds, Lee Majors, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris...  I could go on all day.  Almost every guy admired them and their ability to kick ass.  Not me.  I admired someone whose strength was that while he COULD kick ass- he could destroy the world- his strength was in NOT doing so.

Back then, that was considered "sissy girl" thinking.  Oh wait- even now that's considered "sissy girl" thinking.  Power is to be used- Might makes Right.  Ends justify the means.

Sorry, I don't subscribe to that way of thinking.

Superman changed a lot over his (currently) eighty years.  The eighties saw a shift in perspective- Clark was the person, and Superman the identity, not vice versa (and he was a yuppie, but we won't discuss that.)  In the 90s, he revealed his identity to Lois Lane, and they married.  (How in the world would they have sex?  Surprisingly, that topic's been approached!)

In several stories, he's been changed to a woman, including a genderswapped timeline.  Oh to have magic in our world.  Here I am Mr. Mxyzptlk!  Change away!

Eventually, every secret comes out.  Well, the ones not taken to the grave, anyway.  Lois discovered Clark's identity.  Pete Ross knew it for years.  keeping my secret was no longer an option, so I transitioned.

Eventually, I bought a Supergirl costume- a version more like her original.  And, finally, I looked down and saw the "S" on my breasts.  ("My breasts."  I still can't believe it even after over six years on HRT.)

Sept. 16, 2018

I'd waited a life time.  I may not have the power to destroy the planet, or to fly, or being impervious to physical harm... but I'm a Woman.  A mortal woman- with all the frailties and problems that entails (does Supergirl get 2/3 the credit Superman does for saving the world?)  I also have the issues that come with being a "non-passing" transgender woman in 45's America.  

Speaking of mortal women- Supergirl isn't my first Superhero costume.  That was Captain "Mary" Marvel, the World's Mightiest Mortal.  This was the first costume made for me by the incredible Lorraine Anderson.  These days, Captain Marvel is better known as Shazam (and Mary is "Lady Shazam").  She appealed to me because the idea of a single word changing me from a lame skinny boy into a Powerful Woman in an instant.  Oh how I wished!

Makeup by Amanda Richards

But I digress.  Even though Captain Marvel (1940) was clearly inspired by Superman (1938), and Supergirl (1959) (or, to nitpick, Superwoman in 1943) was inspired by Mary Marvel (1942).

Would I want all those powers, and the responsibility that come with them? (Astro City did a wonderful issue about these pressures in their first issue.)   Absolutely.  If I had to settle for one power though, it would be flight.  I'd love to soar to the clouds with the wind in my ears.  

Above the powers and all, I understood the above mentioned loneliness, and the desire to just Be who I needed to be.  I knew Superman understood that loneliness as well, if in a different way.  Neither of us could do anything about it.  Yes, I transitioned, but I missed on being a young woman, a college age woman... everything until I was 47.  I spent all that time yearning.  In many ways I still do.  I am incomplete in so many ways.  

But at least now, I can wear the "S" and Dream.

No wig- just me.