This is the last of the interludes. I decided to steal a page from Bram Stoker and tell this particular story through letters, journal entries, and social media posts (because Stoke was a MySpace fiend!)
So the interludes mixed with the chapters and stuff mean that the entire book is now written. Now it needs cutting. Hard core editing.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Interlude
XII: Transition
Blog
entry 2013
The
Darkness
Several months ago, my Sister Lisa
Empanada committed suicide. The
following piece was written maybe a week later, as my mind spun deeper into the
Darkness. It's not a long piece. I never finished it, as I just couldn't.
I must also say that I no longer
feel this way. Thanks to the help of
caring people and of my therapist, I managed to pull away from the Darkness,
and LIVE. After all, I made
promises. Promises that I'd live to be
the Woman I am destined to be. I
promised Lisa.
So.
Here it is: completely unedited.
***********************************************************************
I am totally worthless.
I have no value. I could die tonight and no one would know or
care. I would lay dead for days before anyone would notice.
What am I anyway? I'm a freak.
No one cares about the freak.
Let's face it. I've failed at everything in my life. I've failed as a man. I've failed as a woman. I've failed as a husband and a father. I fail as a friend. I can't find a real job, and can barely hold
the ones I have.
I always say the wrong things. I piss people off. I do the wrong things. hell, I chose teaching and where has that
gotten me? I work retail for fucks
sake. I'm poor. Broke.
And broken.
What's the point anyway? Who am I helping by staying here? no one.
I'm a burden on all who are stuck knowing me. Nothing but a dead weight dragging everyone
down.
There's no point. No point in being alive when i Know what
follows. And Lisa is waiting for me
there. We can explore the afterlife
together, laughing into eternity.
I would be long gone before anyone
even knows. I could be at peace, away
from all the pain. Wife would be
relieved. No more Sophie to worry about
or to be embarrassed about. No
explaining to daughter needed. Both
would forget soon enough and be happy.
no one needs me. So I don't need me. I don't need pain. All i need is for it all to end.
Blog
Entry (Excerpts) Tuesday December 31, 2013
Some things seems pre-ordained.
We ALL know that, as mortals,
someday we will die. We all know that we
will be taxed by a government. We know
that trans-people will be senselessly murdered.
I also knew that my parents would
reject me as a Woman. I mean after all,
I've mentioned how they treated me growing up.
Dad being ultra-macho Army and all.
I never give them a chance.
In any case, telling them was my
next big step. I decided that I'd write
a letter so I could have my points exactly as I wanted them...
So.
I wrote a letter. Trashed
it. Tried again. Trashed it.
Tried 14 times. Full trash can
(as I write first drafts on paper.)
Recently, Dr. Cerise Richards challenged me to post this letter to help
others, so it follows. I give permission
for girls wanting to use it or piece of it to do so, just not for publication,
where I reserve all rights. So. Here it is.
Dear
Mom and Dad,
Wife and I are here today to
tell you exactly why we are no longer living under the same roof. As
I have maintained many times, the fault is not hers in any way. The
issue is complex, which is why I’m reading this to you instead of just
speaking. I wanted to get it right. Wife knows all of
what I am about to tell you, and has known for nearly two years.
There is something I have to tell
you about myself. While this is serious, I am NOT dying, nor am I
intending to do so. I have been hiding from and or dealing with this
problem since I was four, and I really did not understand it. I am
sure you have realized that I have had problems and even though I have tried to
maintain a steady face on the surface, something has never been quite right
with me. As you know, I’ve been in therapy for 13
years. You also know about my hospitalization back in
1990. For the past five years, I’ve been seeing a specialist to get
a handle on my issue and of get a better understanding of
myself. You may have noticed some changes in me this year. I feel better, both in general and about
myself, than I have at any time in my life.
The medical term for this
condition is called Gender Dysphoria and it is basically the condition of being
transgender…
…This
has nothing to do with how I was raised, my diet… anything. I was
BORN this way. 41% of people with this attempt suicide as
it’s a very painful way to live…
This is not a choice; it is
something that I have to do in order to survive. I have been treated by
a therapist for five years and also, saw a second therapist for a second
opinion…
This may seem sudden and impulsive,
but in actuality, it is not. I have been doing many activities as a woman over
the last five years including attending the local King of Prussia transgender
support group once a month, shopping and eating out regularly, and helping
others who are on this path. I have spent the last five years
building an emotional support network, and have many close friends in the
transgender community.
All I want is to feel at peace and
to have a chance to reach my full potential in life. I will always
be your child and I love both of you very much. The reality is,
mentally I have always been your daughter, not your son, and I hope you will be
able to accept me. All I am doing is making physical changes to help
me become on the outside the person I am on the inside and be accepted. I will
always be here for both of you to help take care of you.
I realize finding this out is very
painful for you right now, and believe me I have always tried to avoid facing
this about myself mainly for this very reason. The last thing I ever
wanted to do was hurt you, but in order to have any chance at a happy and
fulfilling life, I have to make this change… I am the author of my life. No one else has the right to attempt to form
my life in the image they would have it be. And my life is not based on lies. My life is based on love and care, for my
family, for my friends, for those that deserve my love.
I ask for your understanding,
acceptance, and love. I am passing through a very difficult time,
and have already lost so much. It will get harder, both for me and
for you, but in time it will get better. No matter what, I will
continue forward. I finally have a chance at
happiness and peace in my life. I’d
love rather have you see me reach my full potential and that peace.
You have many questions, and will
continue to have them. I will do my best to answer them for you.
Love,
Lance
*******************************************************
A heartbeat. Two.
My
mum leaned forward in her chair and said “You are our child. We love you. This
changes nothing."
My dad stood and said "Yes, we
love you"
That was the first time in my 47
years that my dad said that he loved me.
Blog
Entry (excerpts) March 12, 2014
The following is the [Book
store] legal-department-approved letter that I will read to the management
staff of my job on Monday, March 10 at 8 AM.
On Tuesday, March 25, management
will begin informing staff, and this letter will be posted on the break room
bulletin board, and information regarding being TG will be made available.
On Monday, March 13, 2013, I will
report to work as Sophie for the first time.
And now, the letter:
..........................................................................................
To
my fellow coworkers
I must share the news about a major
personal decision that will affect my appearance at work. My doctors have
diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria (GD), a medical condition in which
psychological gender is not in alignment with biological sex. I am
transgendered, which means I was born into the wrong gender…
…The
process takes a number of years to complete, but the progress I have made to
date has allowed me the ability to now start coming to work in my true gender:
female…
Throughout
the transition, I will continue to maintain the high performance standards that
our company and I have upheld. Post transition, it is my expectation that
I will continue to excel at my position and maintain the good working
relationships that I currently have within the company, my fellow booksellers,
and with our customers…
HR have developed a plan to
communicate my gender transition to our employees. I am positive that we
can accomplish a quick and effective transition. It is imperative that we
unify our message and information to assure the staff that we have a plan of
action and that all involved are committed to a successful transition. Office gossip or inappropriate discussions about
my personal situation, as it is medical in nature, will serve to greatly
undermine plans that have been developed, waste staff time and energy, and
affect the performance on the floor…
Journal
Entry : Fri. March 21, 2014
Gazebo, Reeves park. I
started by telling her that I loved her very much, that Mommy loved her very
much, and that this would never change. I then told her there are boys
and girls, but sometimes, so very rarely, someone comes along who isn't one or
the other. Blah blah blah. And that Daddy is one of those people.
That daddy was born a boy but was supposed to be a girl. And that now, Daddy was becoming the girl
that she should've been all along.
[Wife] then mentioned that Daughter
rememberwhat she learned about butterflies. "What are butterflies
before they're butterflies?"
Daughter smiled and said
"First they are caterpillars, then they become a criss-lis, then they
become butterflies." She learned
that the first day of kindergarten.
I smiled. "Well, daddy
is in chrysalis now. And soon I'll become a girl."
“Like a butterfly!”
“Right!”
“Can we get ice cream now?”
Transgender Forum Column (excerpts): March 23, 2014
This piece will be published on
Monday, which will be my last day ever as a guy. After that, it’s All Sophie, All day, all
night.
So, to get this place took a LOT of
planning and a lot of help. Everyone
does it differently. And here I am going
to tell you how I approached it. Remember,
this is my approach, your mileage may vary.
Also, and I can’t stress this
enough, if you don’t HAVE to transition — DON’T DO IT. Seriously. It can and probably will destroy your life.
The process starts with the most
important part — Realization. After
exhausting all other avenues, and still feeling the Intense Pain of Gender
Dysphoria, to the point of knowing it means Change or…
After making that VERY difficult
determination, I informed my Wife. It
led to a week of crying for us both. It
also led to me being thrown out of the house. (We lived with her mother, and she threw me
out for being a “freak.”)
Then the planning began in earnest.
In this phase, I worked closely with my
therapist, Dr. Maureen Osborne, and my “Big Sister” Mel.
Okay,
what needed to happen? I needed to: 1. Set
a date. 2. Inform my employers. 3. Inform family (for others this would be
the first). 4. Prepare wardrobe and
necessities.
The first part was difficult. Timing is always delicate. I decided to emulate my beautiful friend
Stephanie by going full time at work upon returning from a conference. In her case it was SCC. In mine, it was Keystone. That meant my last day as Lance would be
Monday, March 24. And my first day at
work would be upon returning: March 31…
So, having started the ball rolling
at work, I began planning how to tell my parents. I asked friends who had
already done this, and they were incredibly helpful. None of us transitions alone. There’s a reason we’re a Community. Others
have walked where you are now, and are usually happy to provide advice. Especially about their mistakes.
In the end, I decided to write them
a letter… …They surprised me. They accepted me… On a side note, my older
brother laughed at me when I told him. It
was the first time in years I’d spoken to him, and I don’t see any need to
speak to him again.
Okay. What about closest friends? I actually started with them first. One by one, I met with them over drinks and
told them. One by one, they accepted me.
I was extremely lucky. Over time, I honed my “presentation” to what
NEEDED saying. I’ll come back to that.
I decided I wanted to tell others
that I simply didn’t have time to reach. How to do it… Well, I’d been making videos for
YouTube, so why not make one in drab, and send it out? So that’s what I did. I made two videos: one
for friends I’ve known ten years or more, and the other for more recent friends… …I sent the one for older friends first. And
so far, I have a better than 40% return rate, of which all but one was
positive. I expected the rate to be far lower. The one that wasn’t positive was essentially a
“WTF?” Then I sent out the other one,
mostly to coworkers with whom I am close. I think I chose well, as I have a 100% return
rate with that, and all are positive.
I’ve been cautioned by many,
including Donna Rose, that initial reaction is not necessarily long term
reaction. So all these positives my melt
away like “tears in rain.” But I need
these positives.
All that remains is to post my
Truth for the world to see on Facebook on Tuesday. And for that, I am following the advice of my
dear friend Jen L, who told me to approach it like a marketing campaign. Keep it all positive — eliminate any negative.
All smiles. All happiness. Communicate with negatives privately, while
thanking positives publicly. Now?
I wait.
And I try not to freak out.
I have run headlong into burning
buildings as a paramedic. I have done
things that chill my blood to think of them now. And this? This scares the living Hell out of me. As I write this, Lance has two more days
before Sophie takes over forever. And
I’ve never been such a huge ball of anxiety. Thank God I planned this thoroughly in
advance, because right now I couldn’t plan the strategy for a game
of Candy Land.
Upon returning [from the Keystone
Conference], I will have the Dreaded First Day of Work as a Woman. I will deal with coworkers and customers. If there’s an issue, I am not to engage- I am
to let management handle it…
*****************************************************************************
Social
Media Post, 10 PM
March
24, 2014 ·
I must share the news about a major
personal decision. My doctors have
diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria (GD), a medical condition in which
psychological gender is not in alignment with biological sex. I am transgender, which means I was born into
the wrong gender….
…The process takes a number of
years to complete, but the progress I have made to date has allowed me the
ability to live full time in my true gender: female. This begins tomorrow: March 25, 2014.
My family and employer know. Jen has been as supportive as she can, and my
daughter understands the situation, and accepts it. I will be off this week from work, and I will
return to work next week as a woman.
I understand that there will be an
adjustment period for everyone, but I would appreciate when you see me calling
me by my chosen name of Sophie, and then using the proper pronouns like “she”
and “her” in conversation…
…Thank you in advance
Lance
Kandler
Aka: Sophie Lisa Kandler
***********************************************************************
Blog
Entry
Today,
March 25, 2014, I begin living full time as a woman.
I announced it to my "male
side" friends on Facebook last night, and received many nice comments…
As I said, I announced last
night. Veteran readers know that today at my job, management is informing
the staff. Also, today I leave for the Keystone Conference.
Last night was rather busy. I
stayed up past midnight, then couldn't sleep. Why?
Nerves?
No.
I was crying so hard.
I was crying because I really wish
Lisa had lived to see this day. Yes, her loss still affects me that
strongly.
*************************************************************************
Transgender
Forum column: June 16, 2014
The
Price
If you’ve read this column before,
you know a few things about me. You know
that I live full time as a woman, and I have done so since March.
I did so knowing the possibilities.
Many of my Trans friends who have not transitioned wonder what this is like.
They talk over drinks about the fun of wearing women’s clothes daily, and of no
longer needing to hide.
And it’s a wonderful Dream. Isn’t
it?
I went into this eyes open, knowing
that this would cost me my marriage, and so much more. I knew it could cost me almost everything, up
to and including my life, as it did Lisa’s.
So is it worth all of this?
What does this Price buy? Well, there’s the basic stuff. I go through my daily life and most people see
me as a Woman. I am addressed as such. Usually. As a woman, I can, if I wish, wear a dress to
work, and no one cares. The hormones
have changed me physically. I now have
breasts of my own. My skin has softened,
as have my facial features. I’ve been
growing my hair for over two years, and now it brushes my shoulders.
All of these things were my dreams
when I was younger, and they’ve all come true.
Some things have yet to happen. I am not yet physically a total woman. According to the protocols, I have nine months
more to wait before I can be approved for that. Then there’s that whole money thing. I want my hair to grow much longer as well, so
I can look like I did when I wore wigs, or a reasonable facsimile. That will take time.
Possible side effects are varied.
Estrogen causes moodiness. I have learned to cry, and that I cry often,
sometimes out of nowhere. I have given up my Male privilege. Yes, it exists,
and you don’t realize it unless you don’t have it. Many men treat women as
inferiors. Hell, you’d think I got a lobotomy instead of a becoming my True
Self.
Be prepared to lose people you
thought were friends. They will NOT
understand. How can they unless they
have lived it? This very night, I spoke
to a friend I’ve known since 1980. He
still doesn’t comprehend, but he understands that I was in Pain. How do I explain to him why I had to do what I
did?
I don’t have exact figures for
this, but if you’re married: kiss it goodbye. Marriages that survive transition are so very
rare. Other relationships too. People lose parents, children, neighbors… even
pets. I rarely see my dog. Often times we also lose the places we live.
And we can’t find others. Welcome to my
world.
We Lose. And that’s the Price: Loss. And
that’s what I tell people who say they want to transition. I say exactly what I was told by my “Big
Sister” Mel. (And she was 100% right.) I say “Are you prepared to lose EVERYTHING?
Because there’s a good chance you will.”
What does one get for all of this
Loss? What does the Price buy when it is paid?
Peace.
I am at Peace for the first time in
my life. I’ve written that many times,
but what does it mean? It means that I
no longer feel “wrong.” I look in the
mirror and see what I feel I should’ve all along. Well everywhere but down low, if you catch my
meaning. But that will change someday
too.
I sleep in a bra and panties, as
many women do. I fuss over my makeup and
hair. I look down and see the changes that the hormones made to my body — not
during puberty as with most women, but recently.
So that is the Price and what it
buys. If I had a choice to be just an occasional crossdresser verses who I am
now, would I have paid the Price?
Well, that’s a trick question. And the Entire Point. For me, it was transition or die. There were no other options. That’s how bad the Pain had become. I have written this many times, and I’ll write
it again here:
If you don’t HAVE to transition:
DON’T. It’s that simple.
If I were an occasional CD, I’d
probably still live with Wife. We’d
still be a family. So many other things
wouldn’t have happened, like my impending homelessness.
I HAD to transition, and it has
brought me the Peace I craved. I paid
the Price, and I’m still paying it today. I will pay it always, like an eternal student
loan. Now I face the challenge of
building a new life.
A Life as a middle-aged Woman.
My Life.
