Men of the Skull Interlude: Thrown Out

 This is the newest Interlude chapter for my book Men of the Skull.  It's based upon a blog entry, but includes other details.  

The interludes go between the semesters in the book and track my trans journey.  This one is placed between Summer and Fall 1988.  

The book chapter won't have photos in it, but they're here anyway.  Because.

*********************************************************

Interlude IX: Thrown Out

Wednesday, August 28, 2013  Obama Weighs ‘Limited’ Strikes Against Syrian Forces

That night I was informed by my wife that her mother wanted me out of the house, and that on that Friday she would be changing the alarm codes. I was given two days to pack up and get out.

Of course, there was no way in hell I could pack everything in that time, even though many books were already packed.  I posted about this on social media, received many helpful comments, and also received offers of help with the move. A few people came with their pickup trucks to help.  As did another friend: Jessica.

I'd known Jessica for twenty years. She was dating someone in my old D&D group, and we clicked.  We remained friends through the years and Wife and I attended her wedding.  She volunteered to help.

I thought for a bit.  How could MIL really turn the knife if she wanted?  Easy answer- announce to everyone I was a crossdresser while moving!  And of everyone involved in the move, Jessica was the only one who didn't know. She’d seen me dressed as a woman at parties four times over the years.  Perhaps she even suspected something.

So that Thursday night, I invited her to Rock Bottom, a bar we both liked.  And I told her my Truth.  Gave her a business card with my Sophie picture on it. She looked at me and said "So what?  I always thought you were one of the girls."

So now all that were helping knew about me.  That took away MIL's trump card.

That Friday, I worked at the book store. I also sent Wife a text.  You see, I thought when I was exiled, I would be gone from her and my daughter's life, and I wanted one last night of "normal" life with them before leaving. One of the things that Wife and I spoke about on our first date all those years ago was our mutual love of Star Wars.  She is as much a fanatic for the movies as I am.  We first bonded over this among other things.

 

So, as the last movie we'd watch together, I wanted to watch Star Wars one last time.  She agreed.

My whole life was coming apart- I quietly cried twice at work that day.

That night, after my five year old Daughter was in bed, I put on Star Wars, and as usual when watching it, my wife curled up and lay her head in my lap.  The opening crawl hadn't finished when she quietly said "This isn't the last movie we'll watch together.  We'll still watch movies."

 

I looked down at her with a questioning look.

"I'm not throwing you out of our lives.  I fully expect you to be in [Daughter]'s life, and in mine."

The tears welled up again.  I didn’t want to cry in front of her- I wanted her to enjoy the movie. 

The huge star destroyer swallowed the hopeless, helpless small ship.

No escape.

 

She fell asleep as the Millennium Falcon escaped from the Death Star.  I watched the whole thing.  And slept in my own bed for the last time.  At 3 AM, right on schedule, our dog, Nittany, put her paw in my face, wanting to go out.  I let her out and petted her a little extra when she came back in.

The next morning, I packed like crazy.  As did Wife.  Friends and trucks arrived at noon. I was quickly soaked with sweat in the heat.  Thanks to the amazing help, most of my things were moved where they were going in a few hours. 

Before leaving for the last trip, I took Nittany back to my old bedroom, and hugged her, petted her, and cried like crazy.

I also took a picture

Then I went to the "living room" where Daughter was drawing on a box we gave her to play with.  I hugged and held her and told her I loved her.

 

"What's wrong daddy?"

"Daddy has to go away for a while."

"Why?"

 

 

Wife waited out by my car.  We hugged and kissed… and cried. Both of us.

I drove down the driveway, away from the place I called home for ten years, and my wife of twenty years.

I pulled over twice on the way to the new place as tears kept drowning out my sight.

The plan was that I would treat everyone to dinner at Shangri-La, the local Asian fusion place that once held the transgender events: Laptop Lounge, and then some would come to Winberies, where the events had moved. I also invited my "Big Sister" Mel.  I took a long, cold shower, as I was really overheated.  During the day, I went lightheaded a few times.  I then did a quick job on my makeup, and I introduced myself to Jessica as Sophie for the first time.

Dinner was great, and most people went to Laptop. 

While there, Mel repeated something she’d told me many times: “Cry it out.  You don’t have to pretend to be a man any more.”

 

I returned to the house around midnight, thoroughly exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I washed off my makeup and collapsed into the bed I'd be sleeping in for a while. And cried myself to sleep as quietly as I could.

So in the short term, this meant that I was living by the charity of a friend. It meant seeing my daughter when I could.

But I wasn't in their day-to-day lives any more.

 

Spiraling...

 

But it also meant that I was free to be Me. I could come and go as a woman. I could go anywhere as Sophie, except for work.  

 

At Winberies that night

"You don’t have to pretend..."

 

I didn’t know how my life was about to become so much worse… and how soon.

 

************************************************************************

 

Over a decade later, when my daughter was sixteen, she was tired of the secrets and lies.  I was invited to a session with her therapist where she bluntly asked my “Why did you leave?”

For over a decade, I never told her- Wife insisted.  That time was over.

               “I didn’t leave- I was thrown out.”  And I told her the story as well as I could remember it, sparing no details.  After all, at this point, she could understand.

 

            And she did.