Halloween.
My favorite holiday.
This year will be different. This year, I mark an anniversary. Ten years ago, on October 31, 2008, I went out to a party dressed as a woman for the first time. That was the first time I'd dressed in 25 years.
Twenty
Five
Long
Years.
During those years, I fell into a deep depression, started drinking heavily, had a nasty habit of starting fights, attempted suicide, and somehow, got married and fathered a child. In that order.
After that Halloween, the "dam broke" or whatever cliche you wish to use. I started researching transgender on the internet, something that didn't exist in the 1980s. When I "dressed" in the 80s, I thought I was alone- that I was a Freak- that something was horribly wrong with me. Society of the time did nothing but encourage that idea. I managed to assemble a small feminine wardrobe (thank you Sears and JC Penney's catalogues) and kept it hidden.
You see, in the 80s it was common for kids to go home from school and be alone, since usually both parents worked. On the days when I didn't work, I had to contend with my Older Brother (OB) coming home and making my life miserable. After a few years of dressing in secret (and my brother catching me once) I decided to stop. Men don't dress as women (and I'd been taught men were superior to women) and I was a MAN. So one early August day in 1983, I took all of my feminine clothing out to the burn barrel in the yard, added lighter fluid, and burned it all.
I've written about this many, many times. I've written about the depression, etc that followed.
I've written about Halloween 2008 many times as well. Halloween 2007- Wife and I did Lois and Clark. 2008, she suggested we do the same thing, but switch roles. Elizabeth helping me choose clothes at Lane Bryant. Dawn doing my makeup. Wife's reaction. Reaction at the book store. Going out to a bar.
I remember going home that night. I was on the "on ramp" to 422 when I looked down at myself. I saw my breasts (made of birdseed in pantyhose) protruding under my black sweater. I saw my skirt. I knew even then that something changed- That I couldn't go back, even if I wanted to do so.
I was scared.
After i got back to the house I shared with Wife, my then 1 year old daughter, and MIL, I stayed up until 3. I figured as this was the "Last time" I'd ever dress, I wanted to take a LOT of pictures to remember the occasion (sound familiar?) I was up until 3:30 AM.
The next time I worked, I was the talk of the store. You see, none of them recognized me at first. The store manager said I was a "really ugly woman." Other coworkers commented on my courage. I was teased for weeks.
I told my therapist at the time about the night. She asked if I wanted to be a woman. I told her that "it was an interesting experience, but no." Within three months, I'd switch doctors to one of the foremost gender specialists: Dr. Maureen Osborne.
I think about who I was the week before that Halloween. I was an asshole. I drank WAY too much. A dear friend said I "radiated hate." I hated my life desperately. I was a failure at everything I tried. I was in agony inside. And I'd buried my fem self SO deep, that I couldn't figure out why I hurt. I even wrote a book trying to dig out the reason- if only to give me a reason to live just one more day. That book was soundly rejected by any and all publishers to this very day- even with my rewrite idea of changing the perspective.
I've written about the internet searches, and of my first transformation makeover, with Karen at Femme fever in New York, in early December 2008. She gave me my name: Sophie. Later that month, December 21st, I found Renaissance Transgender Support group. And Angela's Laptop Lounge. I met so many amazing people that night, some of whom have passed, others who have "hung up the purse," but most are still with me. Jennifer, Tina, Kristyn, Jone, Angela... so many! They took me under their wing that night, and there I've stayed. And that night, this blog was born!
For years, I lived for my monthly "Sophie time." Then, in March 2014, I left my battered male shell behind.
Now ten years have passed since that Halloween. I still have the skirt, sweater, necklace, and bra I wore that night. A couple of years ago, I took a picture of me wearing them. The cheap corset, horrible shoes, bad wig, clip earrings, and birdseed breasts are LONG gone. I'm still here.
How does this make me feel, ten years on?
I can't help but think about all that I lost because of this one night reopening this "Pandora's Box." My life was turned completely upside down. I've written about this often as well- I lost my marriage, career, 90% of my friends, and Lisa. I've pondered whether or not the losses were all worth it. (My answer was "No."
Yet, here I am. A few weeks ago the Darkness had a strong hold on me, and I planned that Today (the 10th anniversary) would be the Last Day. I'd end it on a day of significance to me. After all, I can't find a job, the US government is determined to erase me from existence, I'm almost out of unemployment funding, and I lost any and all hope long ago. And people say I'm an inspiration? I say I'm a warning- this is what can happen if you destroy everything in your life.
Don't worry- I'm not going anywhere intentionally. I have to do my part by voting the treasonous GOP out of office next week. Good vs Evil and all that. I'm ok as long as I have a purpose.
So how do I feel today?
Empty.
I'm 52. Unemployed. I'll never be able to retire even if I can find a job (transgender discrimination is now LEGAL in this country.) It's not because of the events a decade ago- no, I was born this way. But 10 years ago, my Truth raged back into my dying light.
Truth has a way of causing Pain.
Tonight, I intend to go out, if only for a bit. I'm broke, so I can't drink, but I feel I should mark the occasion somehow.
For my friends who worship the Goddess, Blessed Samhain. To all others, Happy Halloween.
My favorite holiday.
This year will be different. This year, I mark an anniversary. Ten years ago, on October 31, 2008, I went out to a party dressed as a woman for the first time. That was the first time I'd dressed in 25 years.
Twenty
Five
Long
Years.
During those years, I fell into a deep depression, started drinking heavily, had a nasty habit of starting fights, attempted suicide, and somehow, got married and fathered a child. In that order.
First photo of me as "Lois" after makeup. Halloween 2008
After that Halloween, the "dam broke" or whatever cliche you wish to use. I started researching transgender on the internet, something that didn't exist in the 1980s. When I "dressed" in the 80s, I thought I was alone- that I was a Freak- that something was horribly wrong with me. Society of the time did nothing but encourage that idea. I managed to assemble a small feminine wardrobe (thank you Sears and JC Penney's catalogues) and kept it hidden.
You see, in the 80s it was common for kids to go home from school and be alone, since usually both parents worked. On the days when I didn't work, I had to contend with my Older Brother (OB) coming home and making my life miserable. After a few years of dressing in secret (and my brother catching me once) I decided to stop. Men don't dress as women (and I'd been taught men were superior to women) and I was a MAN. So one early August day in 1983, I took all of my feminine clothing out to the burn barrel in the yard, added lighter fluid, and burned it all.
Halloween 2007: "Clark Kent"
I've written about this many, many times. I've written about the depression, etc that followed.
I've written about Halloween 2008 many times as well. Halloween 2007- Wife and I did Lois and Clark. 2008, she suggested we do the same thing, but switch roles. Elizabeth helping me choose clothes at Lane Bryant. Dawn doing my makeup. Wife's reaction. Reaction at the book store. Going out to a bar.
I remember going home that night. I was on the "on ramp" to 422 when I looked down at myself. I saw my breasts (made of birdseed in pantyhose) protruding under my black sweater. I saw my skirt. I knew even then that something changed- That I couldn't go back, even if I wanted to do so.
I was scared.
After i got back to the house I shared with Wife, my then 1 year old daughter, and MIL, I stayed up until 3. I figured as this was the "Last time" I'd ever dress, I wanted to take a LOT of pictures to remember the occasion (sound familiar?) I was up until 3:30 AM.
The next time I worked, I was the talk of the store. You see, none of them recognized me at first. The store manager said I was a "really ugly woman." Other coworkers commented on my courage. I was teased for weeks.
I told my therapist at the time about the night. She asked if I wanted to be a woman. I told her that "it was an interesting experience, but no." Within three months, I'd switch doctors to one of the foremost gender specialists: Dr. Maureen Osborne.
I think about who I was the week before that Halloween. I was an asshole. I drank WAY too much. A dear friend said I "radiated hate." I hated my life desperately. I was a failure at everything I tried. I was in agony inside. And I'd buried my fem self SO deep, that I couldn't figure out why I hurt. I even wrote a book trying to dig out the reason- if only to give me a reason to live just one more day. That book was soundly rejected by any and all publishers to this very day- even with my rewrite idea of changing the perspective.
I've written about the internet searches, and of my first transformation makeover, with Karen at Femme fever in New York, in early December 2008. She gave me my name: Sophie. Later that month, December 21st, I found Renaissance Transgender Support group. And Angela's Laptop Lounge. I met so many amazing people that night, some of whom have passed, others who have "hung up the purse," but most are still with me. Jennifer, Tina, Kristyn, Jone, Angela... so many! They took me under their wing that night, and there I've stayed. And that night, this blog was born!
Halloween Through the Years
For years, I lived for my monthly "Sophie time." Then, in March 2014, I left my battered male shell behind.
Now ten years have passed since that Halloween. I still have the skirt, sweater, necklace, and bra I wore that night. A couple of years ago, I took a picture of me wearing them. The cheap corset, horrible shoes, bad wig, clip earrings, and birdseed breasts are LONG gone. I'm still here.
How does this make me feel, ten years on?
I can't help but think about all that I lost because of this one night reopening this "Pandora's Box." My life was turned completely upside down. I've written about this often as well- I lost my marriage, career, 90% of my friends, and Lisa. I've pondered whether or not the losses were all worth it. (My answer was "No."
Yet, here I am. A few weeks ago the Darkness had a strong hold on me, and I planned that Today (the 10th anniversary) would be the Last Day. I'd end it on a day of significance to me. After all, I can't find a job, the US government is determined to erase me from existence, I'm almost out of unemployment funding, and I lost any and all hope long ago. And people say I'm an inspiration? I say I'm a warning- this is what can happen if you destroy everything in your life.
Don't worry- I'm not going anywhere intentionally. I have to do my part by voting the treasonous GOP out of office next week. Good vs Evil and all that. I'm ok as long as I have a purpose.
So how do I feel today?
Empty.
I'm 52. Unemployed. I'll never be able to retire even if I can find a job (transgender discrimination is now LEGAL in this country.) It's not because of the events a decade ago- no, I was born this way. But 10 years ago, my Truth raged back into my dying light.
Truth has a way of causing Pain.
Ms. Marvel
Tonight, I intend to go out, if only for a bit. I'm broke, so I can't drink, but I feel I should mark the occasion somehow.
For my friends who worship the Goddess, Blessed Samhain. To all others, Happy Halloween.
No comments:
Post a Comment