Once again, I say
you over-estimate me. I am not strong. I am barely hanging on by my
fingernails. Bluntly, all of my Hope is gone.
All of it.
a very bad day
I
knew the risks and trials of transitioning before I did it. But I had
Hope. I hoped beyond hope that somehow, someway, I could complete the
journey- that one day I could be a complete woman. I see now that this
will never happen. I will never have the money, and all the fellowships
to which I apply for help laugh my application right into the waste
bin. Insurance? Never happen. Not in my short lifetime.
When I decided to
transition, I did so with Hope. I Hoped
that somehow, someway, I could make it work.
That my luck Had to change. That
ANY change had to be positive. And it
was: I found a Peace I’d never known in my life. The friends I’d made since realizing who I am are FAR closer to me than most friends I’d had in my male life,
with the exception of my wife.
I am trapped walking between genders: neither fully man nor woman. A mockery.
Without Hope, there is no life.
I am weak.
I know you pain. I've been in my own limbo for 8 years. Unless a miracle happens or I kill myself, I will mark 10 years in limbo. This path is not for those with the slightest bit of weakness, they will not survive.
ReplyDeleteSophie -
ReplyDeleteWe are on a tough road. But the destination is worth ALL of the grief we deal with. Don't forget that!!!!
M
We are all weak.... it's okay. <3
ReplyDeleteI will walk with you on your journey and help keep you going. We will get through this together. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it's like to struggle with that limbo, but I can tell you that there are many people who are supporting you, just because you're YOU! Thank you for being so honest with us about your journey; it's eye-opening and real. We're there with you; never forget that!
ReplyDeleteSophie you are not a mockery. You are a tribute to the human spirit. As someone who yearns to start the journey, I will stand by you whatever. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHope is a funny emotion, because hope is also a choice. Even in my darkest Depression (with a capital D), which told me I was fat, worthless, unlovable and fooling myself to think I'd ever know joy, hope was there to remind me that Depression was lying, even if I didn't believe I had the strength to overcome it.
ReplyDeleteBut inch by inch, that's what you have to do. So I chose to abandon toxic friendships and hollow pursuits. I stopped reading the news and Facebook since they only pissed me off and fed my darkness. (I came back to them later in moderation.) And I also sought medical help. But this left me a lot of free time--usually not a great thing for a Depressed person--but I made an effort to rediscover my joys. To read (and learn!), to write and share, to explore my creativity in ways I never had before. To plant flower after flower in the garden of my soul and beat Depression back an inch at a time.
Sophie, I'm not telling you all this to equate our situations or saying that my path can or even should be yours. That's for you to discover. But I want you to understand that the darkness is lying to you. It weaves lovely fictions rooted in truth, but they are LIES. You have worth. You have value. You have touched many people in positive ways, and you will continue to do so. And you are loved. This isn't the end of road, this is a sickness making you think that, a sickness that can be treated.
But don't listen to me. Listen to that little voice inside of you that's telling you that the darkness is lying. Because you know it speaks the truth.
Choose hope.
Hi Sophie, Katheryn Mathews from FB. I found you. Give me sometime to read your thoughts. Know you can always message me at fb.
ReplyDeleteSophie:
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether their policy allows it, but I think its worth you checking out. The site GoFundMe.com lets you set up your own vehicle for appealing to the general public for donations for a personal cause. You, of all people, have a large circle of followers and friends of friends. Consider setting up your own page for donations to complete your transition. I'll bet you are pleasantly surprised by your results.
As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Rhonda