Men of the Skull Chapter 26: Almost

It's amazing how enthusiastic one can become about a game that others are playing.  I don't play football, but when the team representing my University won, everyone said "WE won!"  I think that's a major part of what we felt at Penn State in the 80s, that our football team was part of the identity of our school, and our school was part of our own identities.

In this chapter, I avoid a Skull party.  I did that a lot my first semester, as I knew I wasn't welcome.  Also, the girl I wanted to be with would be at a different party.  Problem was that her boyfriend was there as well.

So in this chapter I did something that I absolutely Hated (but had become VERY good at doing)- I lied to someone.  Looked into his eyes and lied.

How was I so good at it?  Well, I was lying to myself and the rest of the world by representing myself as male.  I knew the truth deep down, but had become SO good at lying to myself, that I'd almost completely buried it.  My Truth would remain buried for over 20 more years, until 2008.

That said, I showed that I COULD learn from my mistakes.  Or did I?


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Chap 26:  Almost

Saturday, November 15, 1986 A Wall St. trader fined $100 million

            He dropped it!  He fucking dropped it!  Holy shit!  He dropped it!  That was fucking close!

            Notre Dame had 4^th and goal, the guy was wide open in the end zone, and he just dropped the ball.  Penn State wins!  We were still undefeated!  One more game and we’d be headed to the National Championship.  And that one game was against Pitt.  Penn State- Pitt: our biggest rivalry.  The only thing that could stop was overconfidence.  After all there was no way that pitiful Pitt could beat the Nittany Lions!  They’d sucked since Dan Marino graduated.

            You could hear the Lion roar in the voices of thousands of students cheering in their apartments, their dorms, the bars, and in the fraternity houses.  Everyone was glued to their TVs.

            Everyone spilled out of their apartments onto Beaver Avenue.  It was so cold and windy!  The throng was tightly packed between the “Canyon” between Alexander Court and Cedarbrook, Penn Tower and Kappa Sig.  We jumped up and down shouting and cheering.  The balconies above us were packed with people screaming and throwing rolls of toilet paper like streamers. 

            From above: “WE ARE!”

            “PENN STATE!”  we shouted back. 

            “WE ARE!  “PENN STATE!”          

            Eventually ending as always with “THANK YOU!” “YOU’RE WELCOME!”      And random screaming. 

Some people on balconies cut loose with fire extinguishers.  Others threw cups of beer.  Various other cheers rose from the crowd: “JOE-PAH!”  “WE WANT THE LION!”

And, inevitably: “SHIT ON PITT!  SHIT ON PITT! SHIT ON PITT!”

I figure I was on the street for an hour or so.  Didn’t feel cold at first, but as the beer splashes started to freeze, I began to shiver.  The crowd started dispersing so I went to the House.  The party wasn’t supposed to start until ten, but at eight the kegs were already tapped.  The big screen TV was in the club room (with its 40 inch screen) and all the chairs and couches were turned toward it.  Plastic cups were everywhere- empty, full, filled with drowned cigarettes, whatever.  I hung out for a beer or three, but everyone was busy upstairs getting high or whatever, leaving the pledges to set up the party. 

So I left.  Went back to the apartment, showered, shaved, changed clothes, ate (and other unnecessary stuff).  Headed to Crow around elevenish. 

As usual, my name was on the guest list at Crow.  I kinda didn’t know if it would be after recent events.  The line to get into Crow was always short, so it wasn’t long before I was downstairs at the bar.  Virginia was, as always, one of many people drinking behind the bar and doling out beers, and as always the game was Flip a Cup. 

“An-gels fall like rain…And love love love love - is all of heaven away. 

Inside you the times moves, and she don't fade. 

The ghost in you- She don't fade.”

Virginia gave me a beer and smiled.  The party went on as always.  Eventually Judy showed up with Rich.  She tapped me on the shoulder, and I bent down for her to shout in my ear.

“You must explain why this must be. 

Did you lie when you spoke to me? 

Did you stand by me?
No, not at all.”

“What?” I shouted back.

“Are you walking Virginia home?” she shouted again.

            “Should I?”

            She looked at me strangely- a mixture of confusion and dread.  And something else that I couldn’t figure out.

            “If she needs you to, yes” she finally answered. 

            Rich stood next to me at the bar, and a pledge handed him two beers.  He smiled at me, gave a beer to Judy, and they disappeared into the crowd.

            Dice appeared from somewhere, so there were two cups going for Flip a Cup AND a game of three man going at the bar.

            After playing for too long, I found myself in the “living room” (the one with the couches.)  The music from the nearby “dance floor” (the neighboring room) was loud, but a person could still talk to someone else without shouting.  Still, I could hear everyone singing along.

“So bye-bye, miss American pie.

Drove my Chevy to the levee, But the levee was dry.”

I was talking to Rich.  Judy was nowhere in sight. 

            “So I heard you banged Virginia!” he said with a drunken smile.

            “Does everybody know?”  I asked then took a hefty gulp of the flattening beer.

            “I don’t know.  Judy told me.  Better watch it with her.  She gets nutty in a hurry.”

            “In what way?”

            “Really possessive.  Weird.”  He drank a gulp of beer.

            “Oh great.  How would you know?”

            “I, um, saw it happen the summer she was up here.  She got really clingy with a brother in a hurry, and really jealous and shit.”

            “Shit!”

            “That’s right!  Have fun!”  He smiled and swigged some more beer.

            “Thanks” I finished my beer.  “Where’s Judy?  Haven’t seen her in a while.”

            “I don’t know.  Probably in the other room.  All the little sisters love to sing along to this song.  Weird.”

I could hear lots of people singing along, not a key among them.

“And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye,

Singin’, this’ll be the day that I die.”

“Y-know” Rich continued, “I thought you were chasing her, and it pissed me off.  Now I see that I was wrong.

I looked back at him.  “Seems that way.”

Well, I’m sorry that I mis-mis judged you.”  Rich put out his hand.

So he knew.  I guess he’s not stupid.  I looked down at his hand, then shook it.  A lie.  Have some balls, Lance.  Tell him the truth.  It’s only a matter of time until he finds out anyway.

The truth.  What was the fucking truth anyway?  I fucked up two possibilities chasing some girl who already had a boyfriend and wouldn’t leave him.  I couldn’t even get up the guts to fuck her.  Then, just when things were getting interesting, I went and fucked her roommate.  Destroyed everything I had going.  And the one I DID fuck has all kinds of baggage I don’t need.  THAT’S the fucking truth.

“Hey!  You still with me?”  Rich asked.

I snapped out of it.  “Oh!  Sorry!  Lost in thought.”

“Yeah, well think twice before getting too involved with Virginia.  All you’ll find there is a whole world of shit.”

Great.

I drifted back downstairs.  The front of the bar was shouting “Tastes great!” then the people in back of the bar would shout “Less Filling!” and back and forth, drowning out the speakers.

“Your eyes are blue like the heavens above.

Talk to me darlin’ with a Message of Love!”  

the Pretenders snarled.

I almost bumped into Judy, who was carrying two beers.

“She’s still back there!” she shouted over the noise, the walked toward the stairs.  I nosed through the crowd to the edge of the bar.  Virginia was down at the other end.  The dice were gone, but the two cups were still going.  Virginia landed one face up, looked over at me and shouted.

“Skull!  Imbibe!”

Fuck.  I chugged a beer handed to me by someone filling them behind the bar, accepted another, and headed back upstairs.  Rich and Judy were slow dancing on the darkened dance floor.

“You know I love you but I just can’t take this. 

You know I love you but I’m in too deep”

Phil Collins crooned.

Collegian Monday, Nov 17, 1986

Getting close to one thirty.  I was drunk and alone and feeling really stupid.  I found a corner of the living room to stand in and slowly finish my beer.  Several Crow little sisters smiled and waved at me as they bounced by, but none stopped to talk.  A couple was passionately making out on the couch across the room.

Finished the beer.  Dropped the cup.  Landed face down.  Why couldn’t I do that downstairs?  Went up front.  Found my battered blue coat behind DJ.  Wrestled it on.  Looked over to see dance floor empty. 

“Taaaaaaaaake onnnnnnn meeeeeeee (take on me) Taaaaaaaaaake meeeeeeee hoooooommmmmmme (take on me!)”

Virginia walked up behind me.

“Walk me home?” she asked without emotion.

“Sure.  I’ll be waiting out front.”

“Well, I don’t want to fucking inconvenience you.  Don’t bother, asshole!”

“Whatever.  I’ll be waiting out front.”

“Fuck you” she gestured in sign language.

Went out front.  The cold air felt good and crisp after the noise and the smoke.  Night still buzzed with energy.  Like a distant cheering.  The Lion purring.  Waited a couple minutes.  Started to head down the walk when Virginia came out.  Looked at me.  I waited for her.  Walked her home- same route as always.

Didn’t come within three feet of each other.  Music at Pika. 

“We built this city.  We built this city from rock and roll!”

Ugh.  Ignored it.  Didn’t talk.  Got to Sutton Court.  She went in.  I didn’t.

Walked back to the apt.  Alone.

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