Like the last chapter, this is one of the oldest chapters of the book- among the first I wrote. That's because I wrote it within a day or three of when the events happened. Of all the chapters, these two are the ones I'm absolutely sure of the dialogue was EXACTLY what was said. Not that I needed prompting to remember that night- I can still see Judy's accusing eyes and her the quivering in her voice as if it happened five minutes ago.
I wrote it down because I figured it would make a good short story someday. Back then, I wrote short stories. I never thought I'd write a book. Yet I did.
So, here is the second chapter that makes me look like an asshole. Because I WAS an asshole- I hurt one of the people who meant the world to me. (She still does- we've managed to remain friends. I spoken to Virginia once in 30 years.)
I visit the Nittany Lion Shrine every time I visit PSU. I used to walk up there when I was an undergrad to think through problems. I've cried there many times. I was ready to die there in 2013. (I wrote about this elsewhere.) Every time I go there, I think of this night.
The "Hollow plastic dummy" line is a reference to an earlier chapter- in Part 1 that I never posted.
*************************************************************************
Chap 24 Reaping
Sunday, November 9, 1986 Weapon deal tied to hijack
The
sun burned my eyes when I woke up, head throbbing. I could hear the TV in the living room-
football was on. Bills- Steelers. It seemed so loud.
I
fell out of bed, staggered to my feet and limped to the bathroom. I slept in my clothes, which smelled like
puke, beer, and smoke. Soon I was in the
shower, trying not to think. Thinking
hurt- not just because of the hangover.
What
did I do last night? And why?
Should
I tell Judy?
Fuck.
After
I dressed, I joined Mark in the living room.
“Someone
named Cheryl called while you were in the shower. She left a number. You look like shit.”
“When
did you get back?”
“Hour
or two ago. There was no traffic.”
“How’s
Crystal
“Fine. She’s coming down next week.”
I
called Cheryl and we met at the Burger King on College Ave
“So
did you enjoy the party?” I asked.
“It
was great!” she smiled wearily.
“Where
did you disappear to?”
“We
went back to his place. He was sweet-
very gentle” she said with a far away look in her eyes. So this guy laid her while I couldn’t. Dammit.
“How
was your night?” she asked, eyes focusing back to me.
“I
think I really fucked up.”
“What
happened?”
“I
got really drunk, and, um, kinda had sex with Virginia
“Kinda
or Did?”
“Did.”
“You
stud!” she smiled.
“But
then there’s Judy.”
“Look,
you had sex with Virginia-
“Virginia
As
if on cue, Judy and her brother walked into the restaurant. Of all the fucking dumb luck. Michael looked up, saw us and waved. Judy stared.
“Don’t
tell her now. Wait until her brother
leaves.”
“I
figured that. He doesn’t know about us.”
“You
really don’t have to do this. You owe
her nothing. After all, she sleeps with
her boyfriend every weekend.”
Cheryl
was right, and I knew it. But I felt
differently.
“I
have to tell her. It’s the right thing
to do.”
“You’re
only going to mess things up!” she said, touching my hand.
I
looked at her. If I’d only stayed with
Cheryl last night…
“I
already have.”
A
few minutes later, Judy and her brother came upstairs and sat at the table next
to ours.
“What
a coincidence!” Michael said. “We thought you’d both be eating someplace
fancier.”
Cheryl
laughed. “Not when I’m buying we
aren’t!”
We
all laughed- a little forced.
“We
have to go. Cheryl has a long ride ahead
of her.” I said, standing up.
“It
was really good meeting you!” Judy
smiled.
As
we left, I leaned over to Judy’s ear.
“We have to talk.”
She
looked at me with dead eyes. She already
knew.
Cheryl didn’t
stick around long. A quick shower,
change of clothes, and she was on the road back to Millersville. Now all I had to do was wait for a call from Judy. She would always call after whoever (usually
Richard) left. So I waited. And watched football. And did homework.
Sometime
during the afternoon, the sky grew blue-grey and heavy, and the snow started
drifting lazily to the ground. By
nightfall, the snow fell steadily and with purpose.
Then
Eagles just finished losing to the Giants 17-14 when the phone woke me up. I’d fallen asleep with my head on my open
statistics book.
Judy.
“So.” Her voice was flat- toneless.
“Yeah. Can we talk?”
“Do
you want to?”
“Yeah. We have to.”
“Why?” No inflection. Cold.
“We
just do. Can I come over?”
“Sure,
if you want. It’s snowing.”
“It
is? Oh yeah. I’ll be right over.”
“Whatever.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
All
of Happy Valley Sutton
Court
The
night was so very cold, and the wind blew the snow in my face.
An
age later, I knocked on the apartment door.
My blue jacket and tan knit hat were covered with white.
“Who
is it?” sang Virginia
“Me!”
“Come
on in, Me!”
I
walked in. Shit. I hadn’t thought about facing Virginia
“Hi!”
she chirped. She was lying on the living
room floor, listening to Tom Petty and doing homework.
"Then he
said, you better watch your step, Or your gonna get hurt yoo-seff” Tom
cautioned.
“Hi” I replied,
trying to act casual. I hadn’t mastered
that skill yet. I still haven’t.
Judy came out of
the bedroom with her coat on. Her face
was expressionless and cold. Her eyes
showed no spark.
“Do you want to
walk?” she asked glumly.
“Sure!”
“We’ll be right
back” she grumbled at Virginia
“Ok!” She was unusually cheerful.
We walked for a
while at a brisk pace: not speaking, hands in pockets, listening to the snow
whisper to the ground. After a few
blocks, we were crossing College
Avenue
“You
wanted to talk?” she asked brusquely.
“Yeah. This isn’t easy.”
“What
isn’t?” Her tone was flat. Dull.
Dead. Cold.
Deep
breath. “I hooked up with Virginia
“So?”
She kept staring straight ahead.
“Well,
I wanted to tell you myself. No lies.”
“Why? It’s none off my business.”
“Well…
because of… well, the way things are.
Silence.
“Because
I… I care.”
"If
you cared, then how could you do that?
With her of all people!” Judy
stopped and screamed at me, tears running down her cheeks. “Anyone else, Lance, anyone! I wouldn’t have known and I wouldn’t have
cared! But Virginia Virginia
Her
lip quivered. Eyes full of pain. Then she stiffened, and glared straight into
my eye.
“I
don’t think I could ever make love to you.”
Her voice was husky, barely controlled.
She
would’ve been more merciful if she shot me.
The
snow fell in the miles between us. She
turned and kept walking. I followed, not
knowing what else to do.
“Did
she tell you?” I asked, almost
whispering.
“No. Michael did.
He was sleeping on the couch. You
woke him up when you came in. He heard
everything, and then he saw Virginia Virginia
“I’m
sorry.”
“For
what?”
“Everything.”
We
continued uphill through campus, not really caring where we were going. The snow fell heavier, the hoard of flakes
hissing as they struck the ground. We
silently passed Pattee library when I finally grew a backbone.
“Well,
I put up with you sleeping with Rich most weekends. I think you can forgive me one drunken
mistake. I mean- who are you to
judge?” My raised voice seemed flattened
by the weight of the weather. God was
giving us our privacy.
“What
Richard and I do…” she glared.
“What?”
Softened. “Nothing.
You don’t understand.”
“Try
me.”
Her
whole body heaved in a sigh and she stopped to face me. “You knew about Rich from the beginning. You accepted that part and told me you could
live with it. Virginia
“You’re
still cheating on him.”
“That’s
my business. Would you rather I
didn’t?” Her eyes tore through me.
We
looked at each other for a moment. She
knew the answer as well as I did.
No. I wanted this. I wanted this desperately. I wanted her desperately.
She
turned and kept walking, and I with her.
We
walked to the Lion, which was covered with two inches of snow.
“So
now what?” I asked.
“I
don’t know. Are you going to start
dating Virginia
“No! No. I
need to talk to her too. Oh God! How…?”
I leaned against the shrine. Cold
limestone.
Judy
stared down snow covered Burrows
Rd- College Avenue
“I’ve
really enjoyed what we’ve shared. I
don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to
lose you.” My voice cracked. Slightly.
She
looked back at me, tears flowing freely down her face.
“I
don’t know.” She started to break
down. I reached out to hold her. She
pushed me away and slapped me hard across the face.
“Virginia
I
tried to hold her again, and this time she didn’t resist. I held her close as she cried cried cried
into my chest.
The
snow fell all around us. She cried. I wanted to keep her warm- to say the right
thing. Anything. Nothing.
Behind
us the Lion crouched, silently watching.
Cold Stone. Like us.
Eventually,
Judy pulled away and looked down the street.
“I’m
freezing,” she whispered.
“Let’s
go back to my place.”
“No. I’m going home.”
We
left the brightly lit Lion behind us in its curtain of white.
After
a year or so of silently walking through campus through town, we arrived at
their apartment. Virginia
“You
look like a snowman!” Virginia said
smiling, looking over.
“Yeah. It’s snowing,” I replied, brushing myself
off.
“No
shit! I hadn’t noticed!”
"Can
I talk to you, umm…in the kitchen?”
“Sure!”
she said with a confused look on her face.
She
popped up and adjusted her top. She was
wearing her maroon letter sweatshirt and her favorite skintight jeans.
We
stepped into the darkened kitchen: the “scene of the crime.” Less than twenty four hours earlier, we
writhed passionately in that same spot.
Now I looked into her eyes, which for the first time seemed light and
clear. Of course, I didn’t know
why. Maybe because I didn’t care.
“Um…
about last night. I don’t, I can’t I…”
“Spit
it out! I won’t bite! Hard, anyway.”
“I…I
don’t want to seem like a typical fraternity pig or anything, but I’m not ready
for any relationship right now. I’m
still hurting from Julianne.”
“I
figured,” she said cheerfully.
“So,
it’s cool?”
“Sure! No problem!
Is that it?”
“Well…
yeah.”
“Ok. By the way, what makes you think I wanted a
relationship?”
I
looked at her for a moment, and then shrugged.
“I just… I don’t know.”
“Ok.” She went back into the living room and plopped
back down to the floor and her homework, leaving me standing alone in the dark
kitchen, snow melting off my jacket.
After a minute, I quietly left and trudged slowly through the snow back
to the apartment, trying to ignore the quiet sucking sound that seemed to
emanate from my chest. I was
hollow. Plastic. Dummy.
The
snow didn’t stop, and it was cold.
When
did it get so fucking cold?
No comments:
Post a Comment