Has it been Ten?

I still write to Lisa Empanada.  Not as often as I used to, but I still do.  Yes, I know she won't read it, but it helps me sort my thoughts sometimes.

For those who don't know, I write about Lisa often, but THIS is as good a starting point as any.

I hate this time of year, as the anniversaries come one after the other.  Being thrown out, SEC, birthday, Lisa's suicide, funeral.  This year it's a bit rougher.

This year it's 10.

Ten years since I was thrown out.  Ten years since I last spoke to Lisa.  Ten years since she died, and everyone endured her funeral.  Is it even possible that ten years have passed?  I'm much older now than she ever lived to be.  (Yes that's grammar error.  Live with it.)

Why do I still write about her?  Why do I still talk about her?  Only a small group of people have even heard of Lisa Empanada these days, compared to when she died, when she was relatively well known.  After all, the transgender community has a high attrition rate, what with murders and suicides and such.  Why do I still have a small urn of her ashes displayed next to her picture and one of her wigs?  Isn't that creepy?  Is this an obsession?

In the end, after all this time, aside from her family, who really gives a flying f*ck about Lisa Empanada?

I do.

She was my dearest friend (aside from my Wife).  She's not the only dear friend I've lost in my life, God knows, and not even the only suicide, but she was the closest.  Lisa exists now only in yellowing pictures, pixels, and memories.  Her voice is only remembered by a few, as she rarely recorded it.  But I remember her.  And I don't want that memory to die.

Lisa's story should be one of happiness and triumph, and, to a certain point it is.  Her wife and children for the most part were supportive.  She volunteered her time and love to the transgender community, and was an amazing ambassador.  BUT...

Then she killed herself.  All that life, that love, that strength... gone.  Died in the back of a dirty painter's van.  Alone.  The way she wanted it.  Then, burned to ashes, again as she wanted it.  Some of the ashes were spread at certain places.  Some were given to close friends.  Most are inurned in her old bedroom.  The urn is purple: her favorite color.   

So, now she's been gone for a decade.

As I said above, in the past ten years, many of my friends died.  Some were quite close.  One was very recent.  I've written about a few of them in this blog.  I also lost many (almost all) of my old friends when I transitioned in 2014.  I'm used to losing people, especially as I get older.  When I leave a job, I want to keep in touch with people, but the ties that bind fade with time.  People that once were family to me are now echoes on the internet.  Maybe an occasional phone call.  "We must get together sometime."  I'm used to being isolated, as I had few friends growing up, and in reality, I'm really socially awkward.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm prone to saying the wrong things or committing faux pas at alarming rates.  I never learned what it meant to be among people.  That's the price of a lonely childhood.

Taken the day before she died

However, that also means that I treasure the friends that I have, and especially the ones I keep.  They are all that keeps me alive.  They remind me that maybe my life ripples beyond what little I perceive.  My closest friends, well I hope they know what they mean to me.  Linda has been my roomie for almost ten years and hasn't run away screaming.  Ally has also been here for me for ten years.  Other friends stayed despite my transition, some of whom I've known most of my life.  That word "friend" is one I don't use lightly- but I mean it when I use it.

Why do I still write about Lisa Empanada?  Because she was dear to me.  She was my friend, and I WANT people to remember her.  I want her memory to survive as long as it can- far longer than she did in my life.

Lisa was special, and I loved her.  

I miss you, Lisa, and I always will. 

Dream of a House

I want to get this down before it leaves my memory.  Last night I had a dream in which my mum and my old dog Nittany appeared, as did Wife, Daughter, and my Older Brother (OB) as he usually appears in my dreams: like he was when we were in high school.

The dream began (or at least this bit) with my approaching a house that my parents just moved into.  It was white, as were all the doors.  To my left was another door which was mostly window, like at a beach house.  It had horizontal blinds, and OB exited it along with a coworker from the past (whose name I won't use.)  

Once I entered the house, the first room was large.  The walls were white, and the carpet was tan, which I would discover all over the house.  There was a wraparound corner couch (blue), a TV, and the far side opened to a small kitchen with a fridge and stove.  That floor was tiled with tan tiles.  My dog Nittany (dead now 7 years) lay on the couch, sleeping.

Halfway through that room, on the left, was a staircase that I climbed.  It led to another floor.  There was a small room off to the side, with a small bed, a crib, and stuffed animals, all red and pink.  There was a door on the other side that led to another bedroom, but I didn't enter that- I knew these were guest rooms.  Exiting back to the hallway (where the first stairway ended), there was a short staircase of maybe 5 steps which led to a large kitchen, with wooden cabinets and marble counter.  The floor was tiled to look like brick and was the only floor that wasn't tan.)  There was a large kitchen "island" as well.  It was the biggest non-commercial kitchen I'd ever seen.  

Walking to the other side of that, and turning left I entered a large room, maybe 50 by 40 feet, that was mostly empty except for a large, overstuffed couch along one wall and a huge, almost wall sized high-definition TV, on which was a football game.  On the right-side wall were large windows, again like one would see in a beach house.  It was night, so I didn't see the view.  I knew this was the main "living room" and wasn't finished.  After all, they'd just moved in.

While all rooms (except where I mention) were lit, only the kitchens had light fixtures in the ceiling.  I saw no lamps or lights in any other room, yet they were lit.  

The living room had two adjacent rooms.  To the left, past a hallway back to the stairs and guest rooms, was a large entry (no door) to a room maybe 30 by 40 feet with another exit on the right-side wall (90 degrees from the one I entered).  Suddenly my brother was there.  I said, "this would make a great game room" and he agreed.  I then said, "I assume you have your room already picked out."  He smiled and left the room.  I proceeded through the other exit into a long room, which also opened to the living room.  

This room was maybe 40 feet long and 20 feet wide, with windows on the far wall and the right side wall (which lined up with the living room windows.)  On the left wall was the entry to another up stairwell which I took.  It went to another floor with narrower halls.  At the top of those stairs was the entrance to a room on the right, some steps up to a room ahead, and a stairwell going down to the left.  My daughter was standing there, and we hugged.  I told her I missed her so much, and she said she missed me too.  She said that the room to the right was hers.  I looked through the open door (only the second interior door I'd seen) to see a large room with a canopy bed with floral yellow covers, and some of her art on the walls.  There was a white dresser and doors to what I knew was a walk-in closet.  She turned and went into her room.  I saw the room ahead of me was huge, with windows along the far wall, but I didn't enter it.  On the left of that room, I saw another kitchen similar to the one in the entry room.  I went down the stairs to the left.  I remember thinking "we don't need all this space."

This led to a darkened hallway with two exits.  This hallway was lit by small wall sconces that had yellow glass shades.  These walls were paneled in cheap fake wooden paneling like from the 60s.  I took the left exit, where my mum met me.  This was completely normal (despite her being dead.)  She said she had a surprise for me.  She opened a large set of dark wood double cabinet doors, and inside was a 40-inch TV with large stereo speakers below it.  The screen was all static, as the cable hadn't been hooked up here yet (but it was upstairs?).  The room with this TV was narrow, like a finished basement, and it had wooden benches lining the walls.  The room was lit by two floor lamps again with yellow glass shades.  I asked her where OB's room was, and she said he had a suite of rooms on the top floor, where I also knew was a balcony.  I never found out where my parents' rooms were.  

In any case, she indicated an entryway with two steps going down to another room.  This room was small, maybe 10 feet by 20, with a door on the right wall.  The far wall had a window that faced out to a driveway and a highway, which I could clearly hear.  The carpet was a gold shag, but the walls were white.  The only furnishings were a rust covered couch, and another floor lamp with a yellow glass shade.  Mum said "this is your room."  

Through the other door was a stairway going up, but not connected to the others.  I followed mum up to the next floor, which was back to the white walls and tan carpet.  She went into yet another kitchen.  To the right was a hallway, at the end of which was another large room.  Wife was there trying to figure out where to put things, as this was her room.  It had a balcony on the other side through sliding glass doors.  To the right was a stairway that I knew connected to my daughter's room.  

That's when I woke up, feeling very sad.  The house was massive and twisting, and I knew I hadn't seen it all, but I'd seen enough.  It was where life was going on without me.  I'd seen places like this in dreams before with rooms upon rooms, but they were always businesses or such.  This was the family house, where they would be happy.

End of July Return

 Hey gang I'm back.

I'm still coping with what happened in early June.  It's been a brutal summer.  I've visited Wife several times, but my Daughter makes sure never to be there.  The Darkness tells me that I should be grateful- without Daughter to live for, I'm truly free to go.  No one cares if I stay.  I have no more obligation or responsibility here.  I think about this night and day.  

It's been raining a LOT

So what's stopping me?  Part of it is that I want to finish what I started and earn that PhD.  I'm ABD now (all but dissertation), so I'm almost there.  I've been having problems getting things done for it, but I'm slowly moving forward.  Very slowly.  I defend my Dissertation Proposal on August 14.  Add to that, I'd be putting my roomie/bestie Linda in a bad place, as she can't afford this apartment alone.  However, she's very resourceful.  She'd get by.  

The main thing stopping me is the fact that I'm a coward.  Any method except one would hurt, and I've experienced enough pain in my life.  Recently, a former coworker died when he jumped off a parking garage.  I envy his courage.

If you've followed the news, there's been a flood of anti-transgender bills signed into law in the last two months.  The GQP want us "eradicated", and yes, that's the word they used.  Where's the HRC?  ACLU?  Hello?

So is anything else going on?  Not really.  It's been a relatively cool summer here in the mountains, with some heavy thunderstorms.  The heat that's plagued the rest of the country finally reached us this weekend, so it's been toasty.  Hasn't mattered to me, as I've been inside staring at the ceiling or sleeping.  As I mentioned, I've taken a few trips to see Wife in SEPa, but that's really it.  I haven't gone anywhere or done anything.  I keep saying that I should start selling off the boxes of books that are in storage, or the games I have here (after all, they're just taking up space and I could use the money.)  But doing that would be a lot of work, and I've been busy (see: staring at the ceiling, above.)  

Part of the games shelf, taken as I write this.

I saw my therapist a couple weeks back.  We talked about the current situation, and she gave me some recommendations.  Essentially, she recommended that I do nothing.  Sigh.  That solves nothing.  I haven't made another appointment yet.  Out of money.

I wish I had something happy to write.  I really do.  That's why I haven't written- I have nothing positive to say.  August starts next week, which means the students will be back soon.  That means autumn is coming, and Halloween.  My favorite holiday.  Maybe I'll even do something this year.  

Be safe and be well.

One Million

 Yesterday, the blog went over 1 million hits.  

Thank you!  I really really appreciate it!

Maybe I'm doing something good after all.

Be well.

Deserted

 This entry will be short.

Last Saturday, I received a letter from my daughter (15) saying she no longer wishes contact with me- at all.  She gave some reasons some of which just don't... make sense.  She made me sound like I'm a horrible person.  And I can't defend myself.

And what if she's right?  Maybe I am horrible.

In any case, I've joined the sad sorority of transgender women who have been cut off from their children.

As you can imagine, I'm a mess.

I won't give many details as it is a family matter, but if I don't write for a bit, you now know why.

Summer's here and the time is wrong

Memorial Day passed yesterday, so now it's unofficially summer.  My fave season, because I hate being cold, and I love the freedom it used to represent.  

I really don't have much to write today, as I'm not feeling it.  I finished my dissertation proposal and turned it in last Friday, so now I wait for the next step (which will be defending it.)  After that, I can start the IRB process, as I will be using human subjects in my research.  Once I get through that, I can begin my actual research.  

Florida has become a fascist state under the GQP.  The HRC and NAACP as well as other organizations have issued travel warning to LGBTQ and people of color, warning that travel to Florida could be dangerous.  

https://www.tampabay.com/news/health/2022/11/12/florida-bans-transgender-care-minors-whats-next/

I found two articles in a Pensacola newspaper (actually, the amazing Sabrina Pandora found them, and I read them.)

The first is about Florida now able to legally kidnap children,

https://www.pnj.com/story/news/politics/2023/05/17/florida-sb-254-florida-abduction-transgender-bill-now-law-what-it-does/70206291007/

The second is what to do if you're transgender and living in Florida.

https://www.pnj.com/story/news/politics/2023/04/25/floridas-trans-people-parents-of-trans-kids-see-options-steadily-banned/70132161007/

In other words, if you're trans, they GQP is coming for you, and this is what they want for ALL of the US.  Remember, the GQP has said out loud that they want us eradicated.  Or parents who allow their transgender kids to live should be shot in the head.  

So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit down.  I wonder if my research is too little too late against the tide of right wing Hate.  They lie, and people believe the lies.  We have science on our side, but the GQP has a propaganda machine that stokes anger and fear.  

Why hasn't the federal government stepped in?  HRC?  Lambda Legal?  Anyone?  (Answer: because we're transgender.)

Sigh.

Stay safe and be well.

Mid May Musings

 Spring sprung, with its pollen and leafiness.  Here in the mountains, the leaves are in their raw green coats and flowers are beginning to show themselves.  The spring semester ended, and a whole crop of fresh graduates are unleashed upon the world.  

This group is a little special to me as they arrived on campus when I returned four years ago- they in pursuit of their first degree and I looking for my third.  I remember that first day of class, a cool, dewy morning as I arrived early and went to the little store that is among the East halls dorm complex.  I was startled to learn that they didn't take cash- card only- as I bought a coke (I needed caffeine).  I looked around at all the freshmen (East halls are mostly freshmen) and felt so old.  These students were young enough to be my children.  I received some odd looks.  Were they due to my age or my being trans... or both?  In any case, for many of them, their college days are now behind them, and they will re-live those stories they made for the rest of their lives... just probably not to their children.  

Parents are funny that way.

Still working on my dissertation proposal, but now I have a deadline: May 26.  

Now 11 US states have anti-trans laws in place, with many more coming.  Texas has the lead with over 60 proposed bills and several passed into law.  Florida is doing its best to out-crazy them though.  How long before we're wearing pink triangles?

In any case, summer's here and the time is right... for doing whatever you do during the summer.  

Stay safe and be well.

Mutants, Devils, and Imps

The words of Webster Barnaby, Republican state representative from Florida, on April 10, 2023:

“I’m looking at society today and it’s like I’m watching an X-Men movie with people that when you watch the X-Men movies or Marvel Comics — it’s like we mutants living among us on planet Earth. And, you know, some people don’t like that, but that’s a fact. We have people that live among us today on planet Earth that are happy to display themselves as if they were mutants from another planet.

“This is the planet Earth, where God created men male and women female. I’m a proud Christian, conservative, Republican. I’m not on the fence. There is so much darkness in our world today, so much evil in our world today, and so many people who are free to address the evil, the dysphoria, the dysfunction. I’m not afraid to address the dysphoria or the dysfunction.

“The Lord rebuke you Satan, and all of your demons and all of your imps who come and parade before us. That’s right, I called you demons and imps who come and parade before us and pretend that you are part of this world. So I’m saying my righteous indignation is stirred. I’m sick and tired of this.”

(Source: Los Angeles Blade)

Oh, then he apologized... AFTER they passed yet another anti-trans bathroom bill.  Like that will make it all better.  

So he invokes comic books AND the Bible while degrading transgender people as less than human.  Insert your own joke here.

Hey Rep. Barnaby, you said you're not afraid to address the dysphoria and dysfunction, but you missed one.  Because you yourself are PART of the evil, and you know it.  You just wrap it in a flag and stamp a cross on it like that will make it all better. 

Keystone Conference 2023 briefly

 Last week (March 22- 25) was the 13th Keystone Conference, held for the first time at the Hilton Harrisburg downtown near the action on Second Street.  The Conference outgrew its home of twelve years, the Sheraton, where so many wonderful memories were made.  

Thanks again to Krystin King who gave me her spare hotel room, so I could be there for two days instead of just popping in for a few hours.  So I drove to Harrisburg from State College, a ninety minute rain soaked drive.  My roomie/bestie Linda had to work, so couldn't come.  It was just me, my overnight bag, and makeup box.  Turns out, one of those wasn't needed.  

My first stop was over by the aforementioned Sheraton.  Lee nails is right behind it, and they are TG friendly.  I wanted a mani-pedi as my nails looked like a train wreck.  I spent a pleasant if quiet two hours there- quiet as my tech didn't speak much English and my hearing is bad anyway.  She did a fine job though!  

I arrived at the Hilton around two pm, and, after spiraling up a claustrophobic parking garage, finally found a spot near the top.  Eventually, I found my way to the front desk, where check in was fast and efficient.  I was given room 423, which was at the end of a long hallway.  As I was to learn, the bank of three elevators were slow and unreliable, one of which got stuck and people had to be rescued through the roof of the car.  That didn't inspire confidence.  

After picking up my name tag and conference packet, which included a Hershey bar since nearby Hersheys was a conference sponsor, I headed for the ground level where I figured most people would be- after all, that's where the bar was located.  In the lobby, I saw one of my Vanity Club (VC) little sisters, Gina, and stopped to say hi to her.  I saw her in passing as I was checking in.  She said she knew that I'd eventually be at the bar, so she waited to greet me near there.  Great- so my reputation as a drunkard still holds over a decade after I stopped heavy drinking.  Joy joy.

In any case, I saw my other VC little sister in the bar, Samantha.  I sat with her for a while, drinking wine on an empty stomach (I didn't have lunch.)  Gina later joined us.  I saw Sandy Empanada (Lisa's wife) at the bar, and arraigned to have dinner with her, which, after a nap, I did.  Sandy and I caught up on each others' lives in between people coming over to say hi to her- she is still a rock star in the community.  She also gave me a very belated Xmas gift: a Michael Kors handbag.  Thanks again Sandy!

Gina, me, Samantha

After dinner, I wasn't feeling well (go figure).  I was also very tired so I retired early- in bed by 9:30.  So much for seeing everyone after dinner!  I saw a few dear friends earlier though.

I didn't sleep well- kept waking up.  At one point I gave up and stayed awake.  The restaurant was serving breakfast, so I went down to eat.  It was a small buffet, but good.  After breakfast I bumped into friends, and chatted with them for a bit, then went back to the room for a bit.  I had a meeting to attend at 10:30, which lasted until 12:15.  I went to the lunch banquet, and found a seat at a table marked "Veterans/First Responders."  The tables were labeled by hobbies and other things to encourage conversation.  As I'm not "Outdoorsy type" and there were no seats at "Creative endeavors," I asked if "former paramedic" was good enough to sit at their table.  At the table was the amazing Joanne Carroll, who is one of the founders of Keystone, as well as writer extraordinaire Bree Fam.  As the room was loud, I didn't participate much in conversation (trouble hearing).  That's one of the troubles with hearing loss- the feeling of isolation in a crowded room. The food was ok... or so I thought.

Soon after lunch, I went back to the room as I was experiencing, um, lower gastro-intestinal distress, and spent the next eternity waiting for the Imodium to kick in.  I was worn out and not feeling the whole "put on makeup and dress up" for the gala that night.  I decided to leave early.  (So I didn't need to bring my makeup kit, as I didn't use it.)  This was a hard decision, as there were friends I hadn't yet seen, and some I hadn't really spoken to (like Alexandra or Christy), and I'd paid for the dinner.  However, I knew I'd feel isolated by the din of conversation, and I really didn't want that feeling either.  Or another bout in the bathroom.  

In the end, my sour digestive system (and laziness) won out, and, after saying goodbye to my dear friend Jenny North (who saw me with my bag), I worked my way back to my car.  From there, it was out into the low-cloud rainy afternoon.  

Going to State College from Harrisburg involves going through several mountain passes and driving the length of valleys, making rte 322 look like a strange set of stairs.  That is, except that last valley: to get into Happy Valley, one must ascend Seven Mountains and go over the top, as there is no pass.  That's where the low clouds came into play- the top of the mountain was covered in very thick fog; so thick that I could barely see three car lengths ahead of me, even with fog lights on.  It made for a white knuckle few minutes before I descended down the other side into the valley enough to get under those clouds and back into the rain for the last leg of the trip to State College.  I arrived back at the apartment before the attendees of keystone sat down to dinner.  

I've never missed a Keystone conference, but this was the shortest time I've ever spent at one, thanks to my depression and my digestive tract.  I wanted to see friends; I wanted to have fun, but I seemed incapable of doing it.  For the most part, I wandered the convention area alone, or stayed in my room feeling sick.  I was so glad to see friends when I did, and the time I spent with them was beyond precious.  

Hopefully better next year.

Be well.

Random Thoughts on Nine Years "Out"

 March 25th marks nine years full time as Sophie.  Sometimes it seems like an eternity, and other times it feels like a heartbeat.  In any case, I'm still here, still breathing.  

A dear friend (Hi Jill!) asked me what is the biggest difference from now until then.  That's a good question.  On the surface, I've moved several times, done classes for a PhD, gained weight (too much), sold more than I bought, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Still, on a deeper level, am I better off than I was nine years ago?  Nine years ago, I was living in a room by the grace and charity of a dear friend.  I was working as a head cashier at a chain bookstore.  I saw my Wife and Daughter pretty much every weekend and occasionally during the week.  It still felt like we were a family, despite my living thirty minutes away.  Still, that uprooting, sudden and swift, tore me apart (especially as it was closely followed by Lisa's death.)  I was still very much recovering from those traumas when I declared my Truth to the world.  

Should I have waited?  

Now, I live at Penn State, just outside of town.  I'm no longer employed by the book store.  In that time, I've worked for a chain grocery store for a year, and part time for an LGBT Center for two years  I've completed my classes for my PhD and stalled out working on the dissertation proposal.  I'd argue that my depression is as deep, if not deeper than ever.  Now I spend days sleeping or staring at the ceiling when I should be working on my school stuff.  

In the end, what's changed?  I get to wear dresses and people mostly keep their comments to themselves.  I have boobs.  That's really about it.  Not very deep, is it?

Do I ever regret my decision?  Well, it's a bit too late for that, isn't it?  I regret all that I lost, and what could have been.  Remember, my choice was either transition or death.  In the end, no matter which I decided, I lost everything.  

So to answer my earlier question: am I better off?  Jury's still out on that one.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Baseball season is almost here.  Japan just won the WBC over the USA, despite the efforts of several Philadelphia Phillies in the US lineup.  Soon I'll be able to listen to (or watch) baseball on sultry summer evenings.  Heaven!

The Keystone Conference is underway in Harrisburg, PA.  I'll be there Saturday to see old friends and maybe meet new ones.  I'm not doing my class this year.  It's at a new hotel, which we've booked solid.  I wonder how the staff will react to hundreds of transgender women at the same time?

My brain isn't braining too well today, so I can't even come up with random thoughts, never mind thoughts worth typing, so I'll end this here.

Be well.