March 25th marks nine years full time as Sophie. Sometimes it seems like an eternity, and other times it feels like a heartbeat. In any case, I'm still here, still breathing.
A dear friend (Hi Jill!) asked me what is the biggest difference from now until then. That's a good question. On the surface, I've moved several times, done classes for a PhD, gained weight (too much), sold more than I bought, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Still, on a deeper level, am I better off than I was nine years ago? Nine years ago, I was living in a room by the grace and charity of a dear friend. I was working as a head cashier at a chain bookstore. I saw my Wife and Daughter pretty much every weekend and occasionally during the week. It still felt like we were a family, despite my living thirty minutes away. Still, that uprooting, sudden and swift, tore me apart (especially as it was closely followed by Lisa's death.) I was still very much recovering from those traumas when I declared my Truth to the world.
Should I have waited?
Now, I live at Penn State, just outside of town. I'm no longer employed by the book store. In that time, I've worked for a chain grocery store for a year, and part time for an LGBT Center for two years I've completed my classes for my PhD and stalled out working on the dissertation proposal. I'd argue that my depression is as deep, if not deeper than ever. Now I spend days sleeping or staring at the ceiling when I should be working on my school stuff.
In the end, what's changed? I get to wear dresses and people mostly keep their comments to themselves. I have boobs. That's really about it. Not very deep, is it?
Do I ever regret my decision? Well, it's a bit too late for that, isn't it? I regret all that I lost, and what could have been. Remember, my choice was either transition or death. In the end, no matter which I decided, I lost everything.
So to answer my earlier question: am I better off? Jury's still out on that one.
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Baseball season is almost here. Japan just won the WBC over the USA, despite the efforts of several Philadelphia Phillies in the US lineup. Soon I'll be able to listen to (or watch) baseball on sultry summer evenings. Heaven!
The Keystone Conference is underway in Harrisburg, PA. I'll be there Saturday to see old friends and maybe meet new ones. I'm not doing my class this year. It's at a new hotel, which we've booked solid. I wonder how the staff will react to hundreds of transgender women at the same time?
My brain isn't braining too well today, so I can't even come up with random thoughts, never mind thoughts worth typing, so I'll end this here.
Be well.
In all that has happened during the last nine years you have survived, not glamoriously, but you have survived. And, you were stuck with having me as a roommate.
ReplyDeleteHere I thought you were stuck with me.
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