Hey gang I'm back.
I'm still coping with what happened in early June. It's been a brutal summer. I've visited Wife several times, but my Daughter makes sure never to be there. The Darkness tells me that I should be grateful- without Daughter to live for, I'm truly free to go. No one cares if I stay. I have no more obligation or responsibility here. I think about this night and day.
So what's stopping me? Part of it is that I want to finish what I started and earn that PhD. I'm ABD now (all but dissertation), so I'm almost there. I've been having problems getting things done for it, but I'm slowly moving forward. Very slowly. I defend my Dissertation Proposal on August 14. Add to that, I'd be putting my roomie/bestie Linda in a bad place, as she can't afford this apartment alone. However, she's very resourceful. She'd get by.
The main thing stopping me is the fact that I'm a coward. Any method except one would hurt, and I've experienced enough pain in my life. Recently, a former coworker died when he jumped off a parking garage. I envy his courage.
If you've followed the news, there's been a flood of anti-transgender bills signed into law in the last two months. The GQP want us "eradicated", and yes, that's the word they used. Where's the HRC? ACLU? Hello?
So is anything else going on? Not really. It's been a relatively cool summer here in the mountains, with some heavy thunderstorms. The heat that's plagued the rest of the country finally reached us this weekend, so it's been toasty. Hasn't mattered to me, as I've been inside staring at the ceiling or sleeping. As I mentioned, I've taken a few trips to see Wife in SEPa, but that's really it. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything. I keep saying that I should start selling off the boxes of books that are in storage, or the games I have here (after all, they're just taking up space and I could use the money.) But doing that would be a lot of work, and I've been busy (see: staring at the ceiling, above.)
I saw my therapist a couple weeks back. We talked about the current situation, and she gave me some recommendations. Essentially, she recommended that I do nothing. Sigh. That solves nothing. I haven't made another appointment yet. Out of money.
I wish I had something happy to write. I really do. That's why I haven't written- I have nothing positive to say. August starts next week, which means the students will be back soon. That means autumn is coming, and Halloween. My favorite holiday. Maybe I'll even do something this year.
Be safe and be well.
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteSometimes, "doing nothing" is the best thing to do. Your daughter is going through a phase, and your wife still seems to want contact. Don't push things. Focus on your dissertation. Let that be the reason that gives you a reason to live right now. You will be contributing to others, and doing something for yourself.
When we met in NYC, your doctors told you something you needed to do. How have you been doing in that area? The GQP will burn itself out if Trump loses. Cults tend to do so over time. The problem is staying out of their way. That's why I will never leave the Northeast until sanity rules again in the USA.
Hopefully, you'll take things one day at a time, and not let the black dog of depression get to you. You have a reason to live - you need to live to beat those who'd attack you. I remember a play about Dr. Ruth, where her character says something to the effect that her survival and prosperity is her best revenge against the evil people in central Europe in the 1930's and 1940's..... Keep that in mind when thinking of a reason to live....
Sophie--you're under no obligation to write only positive things in order to keep others happy. If you're not blogging for money, you're the only audience. Write for yourself. Others appreciate being updated, but that is a privilige, not a right, and you're not even required to do that. This blog is for you.
ReplyDeleteI can't and won't tell you how to feel. "Cheer up!" is a ridiculous phrase uttered by those who can't handle others in mental distress. What I can tell you is that having a child disconnect from you is devastating. I found myself in that situation last year, when my kid was still living at home. The reasons why were complex, and it was a horrible situation that created immense amounts of conflict not just in our home, but beyond. We're very slowly building back that bridge, but we know that it's built on foundations of sand right now. All of this to say that kids *do* go through phases, and now is not forever, especially with teens. Remember, frontal cortex is all but missing at this point. It can take several years for logic to come back into the picture. That truly sucks, but the fact that your wife still maintains contact is very hopeful for future interactions. You can't change this right now. Only your daughter can. Go deal with your thesis defense. You've worked your ass off for this moment. You've got this.