Dinner meeting and meetings

So dinner out with friends is a time of celebration- of fellowship.  As humans we prefer to eat in groups (thank you sociology class!).  Dinner especially is a time when we gather to share stories of our day and make new memories.

Last weekend was my usual monthly Saturday out as Sophie.  I was invited to dinner... at a place that wasn't filled with TG people.  It would be our little group sitting in a restaurant full of people.  This place is a restaurant that I have patronized a few times as my drab self.  It's fairly good and fairly popular.  Cafe Winberie.

Knowing that I'd be going out, I was fairly nervous.  More than fairly- I was scared out of my mind!  Maybe it'd be best if I dress down and try to blend in?  Not me!  No, I had to dress like city slut come home!

So what do you think?

I love this LBD (little black dress) and decided to spice it up a bit with some red accents.  Normally this is a great club dress, but in a place where all the women were wearing sweaters, I stood out like... well like a crossdresser.  Go figure.  Anyway, as usual, I went to see Amanda Richards for a makeover and she did her usual wonderful work.

Smiles everyone!

Well, dinner went smoothly.  I didn't see anyone I knew at the place (which was a concern) and we sat in the back of the place near a large party and some other diners.  I noted some surprised and disgusted looks as we walked back to the table, but the hostess complimented my shoes!  :)  I was shaking in my pumps as we were led to the table, but kept my head high and mustered all the confidence I could.

The only unusual behavior I noted was the staff.  The guy waiting on us was prompt, respectful and efficient.  However, every other member of the staff were peeking around corners or walking by to get a look at us.  That includes the cooks.  I hope they liked what they saw!

Anyway, dinner was good and we left without incident.  It was a great time with my friends!  Somehow we neglected to take pictures.  How did that happen?

We missed the Renaissance meeting, but we managed to hang out there for a little.  While there I noticed something for the first time: someone staring at my breasts.  She simply was having a hard time making eye contact.  Dressed as I was, I can't complain, and I had in the past noticed glances from people.  But this girl was hypnotised.  Amusing.  :)

Off to Blue Pacific for Angela's Laptop Lounge!  There I was more in my element- among other gurls.  I met my "big sister" Mel there and had fun.  My friend Vanessa attended for the first time in seven months.  Soon, the amazing  Donna Rose arrived and added to the party.  She told us that Chloe Prince was also coming!  Chloe is one my trans-heroines.  She was on ABC-TV and runs Pink Essence. 

L to R: Chloe, Tina, me, Donna

I met Chloe and she was nice as can be imagined.  Even bought her a drink.  And she drank it!  She was in town to do an interview for Pink Essence.

In the end, I had a wonderful time.  I met someone I admire and didn't make an ass of myself.  In fact, it was a mellow time.  I didn't drink too much and all too soon was back at the motel facing that dreaded shower that ends my woman time.  Back to drab for another month.  These months are becoming excruciating- I need more time as Sophie.  Is my feminine side trying to tell me something?

Oh, for dinner? I had chicken.  Breast. 


As always, you can see more pics at my flickr page:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/

Homework

As I think I've mentioned once or twice, I see a therapist: Dr. Osbourne.  She is one of the leading experts on transgenderism.  I started seeing her a year or so back to get an idea of who I was as Sophie.  I've been seeing therapists for over 10 years for depression.  Think it may be related to suppressing my feminine side?  Hmmm.

So Dr. O got a list of interesting questions from a friend of hers, a Nun.  The questions are as follows:

*As you look back on the year just completed:*

1. What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

2. What were some of your "epiphanies" of the past year?

How did you grow because of them?

3. Who were your wise persons?

What did they reveal to you?

How did this influence your life?

4. Did any of your hopes and dreams become a reality?

5. What was most satisfying about the year?

What was least satisfying?

6. How did your experience of the past year affect the world in which you live?

Yeah pretty rough stuff.  That nun must be a sadist.  So anyway, my theraputic homework was to pick one question and answer it.  And since we're all friends here, I thought I'd share my answer with you.  Oh, by the way, if you feel like answering these yourself, feel free.  It's tough!

 

So anyway, my answer follows:

 

What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

There is only one name I could really give it: Hell.

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

That’s the point isn’t it? I have two lives and two sets of friends.

Both would hear the following: I lost my full time job (demoted to part time) since I took a contract job. The contract job was an Orwellian nightmare and I was fired after two weeks. So now I’m part time: no benefits, no contract work. Add to that my wife and mother in law (who we live with) have specialized in making life hell.

My female life has progressed well. I am growing by leaps and bounds. I’ve made friends and expanded my horizons. I have figured out what I “look” like and am learning makeup. Yet in so doing, this puts pressure on my male life. I want to be female more and more. This means lying to my wife and spending money I really shouldn’t. Yet also this year I made an enemy. Her issue seems to boil down to she “just doesn’t like me.” I guess I can’t please everybody- that said, she touched a nerve which caused me a lot of soul searching.

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

Don Quixote: Questing for something that may not exist and tilting at windmills of imaginary menace.

What may not exist? The possibility of happiness. The possibility of finding a job. The possibility of becoming Sophie in body as well as mind. Are these all illusions? Are they fantasies? Phantoms? I work hard to get a job. I work at being Sophie, and I’m beginning to believe that the road to happiness runs through being her. If not happiness then at least Peace. But that road is full of dangers. Here there be dragons! Or are they just windmills?

 

So now you have an idea of how I think.  Scary isn't it? 

 

Tomorrow night I will be out again- this time for dinner before Ren and laptop.  To say I'm scared doesn't begin to touch the surface.  I'm terrified.  But I will go, as my friends will be there and I need to learn to present myself in public in "non-safe" places as a woman.

 

May God have mercy on my soul.  And my pocketbook.  ;)

Femme Fever: the sequel

Yesterday I rented a car and drove to New York.  I headed down Long Island to the home of Karen, who runs Femme Fever.  I'd been there before over two years ago.  So much has changed!  (I reposted my blog from then so you can compare.  Aren't I nice?)

Picture from first visit

In two years I have grown tremendously.  While I still tremble every time I walk out the door, at least I get OUT that door.  I have spent time and money shaping my outside to look as feminine as I can.  I have made friends (and apparently an enemy but no one's perfect.)  So, after 2 years I returned to Karen. 


I really meant to get back sooner!  Honest!  It's a LONG trip though!

So I was 1/2 hour late due to traffic.  This time I brought my hips, my own corset and my boobs.  ;)  It didn't take me long to get ready, and Karen decided on a short stretchy skirt and nice top, tights and slingbacks.  We tried a few wigs, and started with this one:

Then this one:

I'm partial to the blond myself.  I was loving that skirt so we tried a different top:

Then a different outfit:

then another:

So Ok, I could post pics all day and that's what Flickr is for.  Right? 

It was a dream and the four hours flew by.  Karen said that I was so different, that when I was dressed I "came alive."

I came alive.

Is it because being Sophie IS becoming my life?  That without "her" my life would just be drab monotony?  Or worse?

Of course, being a woman isn't all just playing dress up.  Duh.  And to get there is an incredibly hard road.  Like many who walk this road, I have many hard decisions to make.  I am Sophie and she is me. 

It's the "she" part that makes it worthwhile and so so hard.  Now I must wait another two weeks to dress as Sophie again.  Two long, cold weeks.

I can't wait!

When I left Karen's I bought an anklet.  And that black skirt.  I loved it.  And every woman needs that one short black skirt, doesn't she?  ;)
PS: I'll be posting the pics at my flickr site:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/

PS2:  I will be presenting at the Keystone Conference!  More as this develops!

First Femme Fever: originally posted Dec 6, 2008

Be gentle- it’s my first time... being made over.

Wow, it's been a couple of days and I'm still floating.

I went to Femme Fever for a makeover. They supply everything which is good because I have nothing, really. I just started dressing again, so I have one outfit, a wig and some birdseed. Comical, really.



So I drove the 3 hours from Philly to Long Island (with all the tolls!) Only got lost once. I've never done anything like this ever. I mean, here I was, going to a complete stranger and saying to them "make me look like a woman." I was giving them my biggest secret. I was so scared. I couldn't believe I was actually going through with it. What if my wife found out? What about my coworkers?



I arrived maybe 15 minutes late, and it was a nice house in a typical-ish neighborhood. Karen greeted me at the door and immediately made me feel comfortable. She has a very disarming nature. She seated me in her studio, and we talked. She gave me her background, then she pulled out a bra and some breastforms. I'd seen them on the net but I'd never felt them or anything, but there I was wearing them. Another minute and I was in panties (tucked, of course), thigh highs, and a robe. I guess she thought I'd feel more comfortable getting started like this. She was right.



I wanted to try 3 different looks: "typical woman," "professional" and "vamp." Not slut- vamp. My major objective was to find out if I really could have any prayer of looking feminine. After that, well I always wanted to try a slinky gown.


Karen worked for a bit. She gave me the option of watching her work in the mirror to learn or to be completely surprised. Tempted as I was to learn, I wanted the surprise. We chatted a she painted, added eyelashes, etc. She then chose a wig she felt appropriate and turned me around…


I was blown away. I could not believe that the person in the mirror was me. I looked like a woman.


She then picked out a dress, and the pictures started.


We went through outfits and wigs, poses and ideas. In the end, she didn't have a slinky gown that fit me, so I tried the sleeveless party dress. I'd shaved my body for the occasion, so why not take advantage. She re-did my makeup, and helped me on with strappy red shoes. Different wigs made for a whole different woman.


During that time, we talked about my fem name. I haven't been really decisive about that. She said that I looked like a "Sophie" to her. She said it was a "strong feeling." Ok, so I will be Sophie. I like that name, and I believe in strong feelings.


Four hours flew by, then I had to start the process of becoming me again. I felt a bit lost. I wanted to stay this way.


Makeup removed, re-clothed as myself, I hugged her goodbye.

On the way home, I wanted to talk about the experience so much I could just burst. I had SO-MUCH-FUN! But I couldn't tell anyone. I had to wait to tell you, my sisters, about it. I guess that's one of the best things about the whole community. We understand each other and this thing we do. If I want to talk about the strappy shoes, you would be interested too.


Karen asked my permission to use a few of the pictures on her site. I didn't think she would, but she did! I am so happy! The rest of the gajillion pics will be uploaded here and to Flickr over the next few days. Most of them anyway.


Anyway, if you are ever near New York City, I urge you to try Karen's work. Making over T-Girls is all she does. I can't recommend her enough.

See her at http://www.femmefever.com/

The significance of pants

The holidays ended. 

The stockings that were hung by the chimney with care are now sleeping wherever they stay for most of the year.  (Do they have visions of sugar plums while they dream?) The dinners are consumed, the hangovers are suffered.  Hell most people have even done all their gift returns!

So what have we learned?  What have we gained?  I can't answer that for everyone obviously.  Most of us gained some weight.  I gained a nasty hangover last Sunday, but more on that in a bit.

Mostly what I gained were two opportunities to be me.  Out and about, partying and enjoying what I could of the season.  My first chance was at Angela's Laptop Lounge Christmas bash on December 18th at Blue Pacific.  Believe it or not, I decided to wear Red wondering if I had enough class (thanks Prince!)

Sophie Claus is coming to town!

Yes, a red top, black leather skirt and boots.  Typical trampy Sophie!  No class.  Heehee.  A session at Amanda Richard's True Colors to get my makeup done and I was on my way! 

Like my eye makeup?

I missed Renaissance.  See, I had to work 9-5 that day, jumped in the car, drove to Amanda's, makeup, then back.  By the time I was back in the area it was 9:30 and Ren was done.  It's a shame as December marked my second anniversary of attending.  Oh well. 


So it was a wonderful night at Ren.  I had a blast and was running on adrenaline.  After all, I was out dressed in a leather skirt and I thought I looked hot!  This is a new feeling for me: confidence in my look.

So I took that wonderful feeling into Christmas.  Then the week after.  Being Sophie does that for me.

New Years Eve was quiet.  I stayed home.  New Year's day was a different story.  It was rainy and ugly and my Nittany Lions lost their bowl game.  I was in a room getting ready.  I was doing my own makeup this time.  It was Laptop Lounge's New Year's Bash, featuring music from the 70s and 80s.  As I am a HUGE 80s music freak, I had to be there.  In fact, I supplied Angela with 4 cd's of uncommon 80s music.  After all, how many times can you "Come on Eileen" in one night?

So ok, I did my own makeup.  I'm getting better at it.  What made this night different to me was I wore pants.  Jeggings to be precise.  This would be my first time out as Sophie wearing pants.  I wondered if I was feminine enough to do it. 


So I pulled on a tight sweater and my boots and off I went to Blue Pacific

What do you think?

The party started early: 8 PM.  I was a little earlier than that, and the place was already hopping.  I reconnected with many friendly faces, including my "big sis" Mel.  We shared drinks.  And the bartender bought me sake.  And more sake...  and I hadn't eaten...

Look at the size of that wine glass!

Oh did I get drunk!  I hate being drunk as Sophie, as this is not how I believe a "lady" would comport herself.  But drunk I was, and dancing and dancing.  Eventually, my dear sisters did the right thing and took my keys from me.  They drove me back to the motel where I promptly passed out dressed.  Sleeping while Sophie.

So, I actually went out in pants.  Normally I'm a skirt girl.  However this was quite a step.  I'm trying different things- things that most women take for granted.  I wanted to look feminine in jeans.  Did I do it?  I think so.  I hope so.  It's another step on this long journey.  A baby step to be sure, but a step.  Slowly I learn more and I become better at being this girl named Sophie.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to pass as a true woman someday!  A girl can dream you know!

In any case, here's wishing you a wonderful, joyous and brave New Year.  May you overcome life's obstacles and may your hose never run!  Cheers!

Questions (originally posted August 1, 2010 on myspace)

I was out Saturday night.

As I was driving from Amanda's to the motel, I started asking questions of myself. Let's face it- I was dressed head to toe as a woman- that WILL spur thought and some soul searching!

When did I become comfortable wearing a skirt? Like second nature comfortable?




When did I stop being fascinated by looking down and seeing I have breasts (when dressed) and see it as perfectly normal??




When did Sophie become critical to my life?



When did "oh my God I'm out in public dressed as a woman!" become "Ok, I'm dressed- where can I go that's safe-ish?"




When did I suddenly own more heels than guy shoes?



When did losing weight become a "dress size" thing instead of a "health" thing?




When did lying to my wife about my whereabouts become so much easier? (but still hurt just as much)



Why do I want to keep doing this so badly?

Missing

A former coworker of mine has gone missing.  He left his phone behind in his apartment and has been gone for over a week.  No one knows where he is and his family is concerned.  He's a teacher and had a hard time finding a job, but recently found one.  he has impeccible taste in music, but no luck with women.  We'll call him Dave. 

"Dave" and "Monique" Halloween 2009

Ok.  Big deal.  You people don't know him from Adam.  Why would I bring him up?  Is this some kind of half assed Amber Alert?  "If you see Dave call 555-1212 for more information."  No that's not the point.  Because I don't think he's come to harm.  I think he decided his life sucks and he wanted a fresh start and just... left. 

No the point is how many people wish they could disappear.  Just leave.  Go.  Start over.  Fuck all you guys I'm leaving.  I've thought of it many times.  Leave all this shit behind.  Start elsewhere- perhaps even as Sophie full time.  Stop the lie and be me. 

I brought this idea up to my therapist.  She said I'd be trading one closet for another one.  I'd be hiding from my past instead of from myself.  That actually makes a lot of sense, but I can't deny the siren song of just going.  I have the guts to go out in a skirt but not enough to fulfill my own life and just do it all.

What keeps me here?  Most of my best friends have moved away.  It's not like I have a dream marraige.  Then there's my daughter.  She's only three.  How would that sound?  "Daddy ran off to be a woman." 

Sure it's happened before to many others many times.  The temptation is there.  But my wife would find me.  I'd need to make a living.  I could be tracked through tax records.  Where would I go anyway?  San Francisco always appealed to me (and Sophie would fit in well there.)  Southern California is nice.  Hell, anywhere warm.  Maybe even overseas.  Teach English in Japan or something. 

Would you want this woman as YOUR teacher?

Pipe dreams?  Drunken fantasies on a cold winter night?  Yes.  But I think Dave did it.  He walked away from it.  He did what others dream of and I am jealous of his courage. 

At least I hope so.  I hope he's ok.

Party time!

Tis the season for all kinds of parties!  More parties than you can shake a wine glass at if you think about it.  There's the company party (if you're lucky to be in a company that still has one).  There's the small "grown up" party.  The wild 20 something "lets get nuts" party.  There's the standard Christmas parties, Christmas eve parties, Hannukah parties, Kwanzah parties, Neutral holiday parties, Happy hours, New years eve parties, and potty parties.  Ok I made that last one up, but it may exist in some deep dark places you don't talk about at parties.

I attended a party last night that I never thought to attend.  It was a calm "grown up" party with wine and great food and guests minding their p's and q's.  Heck there were even candles and those neat cocktail weinies.  So why was this so different?  I'm a woman of the world- I've been to parties like this many times.  After all, I AM of a certain age. 

Cheers!

What made this party unexpected was the hostess.  This party was held by Amanda Richards and her wife.  Yes THAT Amanda Richards!  The makeup legend.  The one who makes me look as feminine as I can.  Somehow I managed to be invited to her gathering.  I was honored, stunned, and various other words ending with -ed.  Of COURSE I showed up.

One little rule though.  Discussing crossdressing was forbidden.

Now at any other party that would be like "no sh*t Sherlock" but Amanda works in the crossdress biz.  She is an icon.  Figure that many guests would be TG like myself.  However, there would also be spouses there- some of whom may not know about their husbands' predilection to wearing skirts.  So to avoid nasty Christmas surprises, the topic was verboten.

Amanda and I at Keystone, 2010

So there I was, in drab, at a party given by a TG legend, not talking about makeup or shoes or skirts.  Struck me as kinda funny.  Ironic in an Alanys Morrisette kinda way.

So I made myself a drink and was hanging out when a guy walked up to me.  Shorter, trimmed eyebrows, goatee, slim but muscular. he said Hi, and I returned the greeting, smiling.  The guy looks me in the eye and quietly says "I know who you are, Sophie."  Woah! 

I  like to think that my drab self and my fem self look very different.  VERY.  This guy saw through my male disguise and figured me out.  I must've looked really goofy and slack jawed.  "How did you know?" I said.  He smiled and said "I can just tell."

I checked to make sure I didn't inadvertantly wear a skirt or a low cut top to show cleavage or something.  Nope- all drab.

He smiled and went back to his blazing hot girlfriend, leaving me wondering.

Do I look like a guy to you?

So I asked Amanda a little later.  Turns out this guy likes my flickr page.  (http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/)  And I always point out when Amanda does my makeup.  So, being Amanda's friend, he asked if I'd be there.  She said I would.  He looked for someone who looked vaguely like me.  Hmmm.  Stalker?  Not with that hottie on his arm he wasn't!

The night was a total success.  Amanda and her wife made great food, served great drinks and the people were fun.  And a few times I broke the cardinal rule, speaking to people I KNEW were t-girls.  Quietly.  Away from everyone else.

I did not drive and was getting tired.  My friend JJ drove and she was tired too (and in drab.)  So around 10:30 we hit the road, just as the party games came out (Cranium, etc). 

I was very happy.  I was able to meet new people and socialize with some who I consider friends.  Amanda and her wife showed their guests a night of class and elegance. 

Goes to show even I can clean up my act if I must.  :)

My Second Life or is it third?

Those of you reading this know me as Sophie Lynne.  However there are many many people who know me by a different name: Juanita.  How is this possible?  Do I have multiple identities?  Well, kind of.

I play Second Life.  That's Juanita above.  In Second Life I am a complete female.

Second Life (SL) is a computer simulation game.  Kind of like World of Warcraft but not as cartoony.  Players can be who or what they wish.  If I wanted to be a jawa, I could run around screaming "outini!" all the time if I wished.  Everything in SL is created by users, so if you go somewhere, a user created it, not some programmer.

Like this place: the Forgotten Gardens of Apollo,  Absolutely breathtaking.

I started in SL a few years ago as a male.  I tried a female but gave her up.  Juanita started as a joke between myself and a friend, but as my female side developed in real life, my desire to play a woman in SL did as well.  So Juanita ceased to be a "joke."  Now she's my reason for going to SL.

3/8 of all women characters in Sl are really guys.  Most don't say they are men.  I am open about it- I am proud of being transgender there.

Don't you hate it when your eyes close when a pic is taken?  ;)

There are many things to do in SL.  There is dancing, wargames, whatever you want.  You can command a starship in a Star Trek place.  Go to beaches, fly Messerschmidts, whatever.  You could ride dancing cows on Laguna Beach.

I go to clubs and socialize with other TGs.  In fact there are even support groups in SL for us.

This is one of several.

And here is Juanita at TRC.

I also go to formal dances.  It's a thing with me- dressing up.  ;)

Here I'm at a place called "Bogart's."

Of course, where you have men and women there will be sex and SL is no exception.  Many many people find relationships that are very real to them.  It's easy to get hurt there.

Here Juanita talks to a friend at Solana Beach.  Yes, they are pole dancing back there.  Sex sells, even there.  Especially there.  Most of the girls in the sex trade are really guys.

For the most part, I do my best just to be with friends and be a typical woman.  I enjoy my time on SL even though I don't get much time there anymore.  I used to be on several hours a day.  Now it's maybe 4 hours a week.

Thats a typical Juanita outfit, when not at a beach or a formal place.  This is also at the Gardens of Apollo.

So why am I writing about this?  Because it's important to me.  I have met many TG girls there and it's a wonderful supportive web of people.  Some TG girls don't like SL.  One T girl that I admire greatly wrote to me about SL:

"Candidly it was a huge waste of time and socially isolating


since so much time is spent on the computer.


As to it's value as an aid to dressing I didn't feel it


helped me at all... I have a hard time seeing why people


would want to spend that much time playing around with


animation. That's just me."



So it isn't for everyone.  I love it though. 

Wanna see it?  http://www.secondlife.com/  It's completely free... unless you WANT to buy stuff.  Maybe I'll see you there?

Random thoughts after a drink or two

It's December and it's cold outside.  Gray and dreary clouds, freezing winds, the whole thing.  Ho ho ho.

I usually can be Sophie only once a month, and I still have a couple weeks to wait.  So how do I fill the time?   Is being a t-girl something I only think about when it's time to put on a skirt?

Hell no!

I think about being Sophie all the time.  I try on different outfits in my mind, haunt ebay looking for deals, and bide my time.  I suspect that I'm not unusual in this.

Last time out, I wore a tight blue dress i bought from ebay.  I wore it previously for a photo shoot, but this was its first time out.

I loved the way it showed off my assets.  I admit it makes me feel so thrilled to look down and see cleavage. Lets' face it- if I'm going to do this, I want to feel as feminine as possible, and that really does the trick!

Let's face it- I love being who I am.  I've devoted a ton of my time (and a lot of cash) to come as far as I have.  Being Sophie is what's been missing for quite some time in my life.  If you're reading this, I'm guessing you have an idea of what I'm saying.

So now it's Christmas time.  Work, shopping, and all that.  I won't be dressed again until the 18th.  Assuming the weather holds.  Last year, two huge back to back storms wiped out my monthly Girl time.  So I'm crossing my fingers and toes hoping it won't happen this year.

This year my outfit is planned.  I have a new soft black leather mini skirt that I can't wait to show off.  I'll wear my black boots.  I also have a red satin top I wore last Valentines day.  (see below)

Think it'll work?  Or will I look too trampy?  Oh who cares- it's a Christmas party!  Hohoho!

Ok, so would I dress this way if I were a genetic girl?  For one night a month?  Why the hell not!  The rest of the month I could be gray and dreary but party time once a month means something special.

And I hope your Holidays are special!

Be well, be safe and may all your dreams come true!