Men of the Skull: Graduation

I'm posting this one out of order, as it's been THIRTY years since I graduated from Penn State.  While this is the last "story" chapter of the book, it is not the last chapter.  There are two chapters following- one is a "where are they now?" and the other is an epilogue that I'm rather proud of.

I'll break one of my rules here.  In the book (and this chapter) is a girl I call Sandi.  We were classmates and good friends.  Like everyone else, we lost touch.  I still wonder what happened to her.  So, I'll break my rule in hope that someone knows Linda Galati, '89 Edu.  If you do, please tell her I said hello, that I'm ok, and that my memory of her makes me smile.

I have mixed feelings as another anniversary of my graduation passes.  When I left PSU, I was deeply depressed.  I'm told that's not uncommon among college graduates.  I wrote this book trying to sort out my feelings.  

Graduation, May 1989

After I finished it (and this was the last chapter I actually wrote) I was no closer to my answers.  Then, a few months later, I dressed as Lois Lane for Halloween 2008.  Old mental and emotional barriers fell, and my answers were made plain.  Since 2014, I have lived my Truth as Sophie.  I am now at Peace.

Looking back at that distant time sometimes brings me to tears.  Memory provides "what ifs?" and regrets.  Regrets are a horrible thing to have.  I've been accepted to PhD studies back at Main Campus, but it will be FAR different.  It's a different place now.  For me, the most important part will be wandering the paths and studying as who I REALLY am- not a scared drunken boy howling in pain and depression.  People change, sometimes for the better.  I'd like to think I have, but the Jury is still out.

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Chapter 186: Graduation

Saturday, May 13, 1989 Bush urges major shift in Soviet ties

            I spent the day wandering around again.  Many people went to the bars and drank all day or hooked up or whatever, but as I had very little money, I had to conserve it.  I picked up my black cap and gown.  I wanted to tell them that there was some kind of mistake, that I still had credits to take, that I still had friends- that I still had parties to attend.

            I knew it was over, though.  Last fall, Dave was gone- up to Rochester.  What would being here be like without Judy?  I couldn’t imagine it.

            That night, I went to the Skeller to see Queen Bee (the reason I saved all my money.)  I saw some people I knew from the summer before or from classes, and tried to make small talk, but Queen Bee was, as always, really fucking Loud!

You got to love me with a feelin', or you don't love me at all.

            Last call!  I ordered one last Rolling Rock and cheered as the band finished their encore.

            Instead of heading uphill back to the Bone, I headed uphill in the other direction: onto campus.

            Campus was completely deserted in the rain.

            The Lion was alone as well.  By then I was fairly wet, so I didn’t mind getting a wet ass by sitting on the Lion’s base.

            “Well, I guess this is it.  Next time I see you, I’ll be an alumni.”

            The Lion stared in the same direction that it had for all those years.  Cold stone.

            “I’ll miss you.  Stupid as it is to miss a hunk of stone.  I guess I’ll miss what you represent.”

            The rain splashed around us.

            “I don’t want to leave.  I never want to leave.”

Sunday, May 14, 1989 Bush calls for ouster of Noriega

            Graduation was scheduled for 1 PM.  The College of Education ceremony was in Eisenhower Auditorium, a little away from the bigger schools’ graduations, but that was ok. 

            My hangover woke me up around 10:30.  I slept on my old couch one last time, because at least I knew where it had been.  My parents were arriving in half an hour, more or less. 

            Somewhere in the house, someone was cranking the Dead.  It was appropriate.  If Skulls were going to graduate, to leave, it may as well be to the Grateful Dead.

Goin’ to leave this Brokedown Palace

On my hands and my knees I will roll, roll, roll

I showered, shaved, puked, and dressed in my blue polyester suit.  I was ready as I could be.

 April 28, 1989  Last Collegian of the semester 

Dad, mom, and my older brother, John arrived around 11:15, just when the rain stopped.  Dad wore his usual mud brown suit and mom wore a purple dress which was offset by her orange dyed hair.  John wore a shabby black suit.  He hadn’t showered, shaved, or even combed his longish hair, and he wore black “Terminator” sunglasses.

“He slept all the way up since he came in at five this morning” dad said, glaring at John who drooled just a little.

I knew how he felt.

We somehow managed to get a table at the Gingerbread Man.  I needed food and hoped I could keep it down.  The crowd was strange, half in suits the other half in shorts.  After lunch it was about 12:20, and I had to get to Eisenhower.  I walked them up Shortlidge Avenue to the building, and went inside, cap and gown under my arm, stomach churning.

I pulled on the gown- backwards at first, and found my place.  We had one rehearsal.  I was behind Sandi.  She was so excited I thought she’d blow a fuse. 

“Oh my God, Lance!  Can you believe it’s really happening!? Oh, I shouldn’t have worn these shoes, I am so going to fall right on my face on stage!”

Her cap and gown had decorations indicating honors.  Her mortarboard was bobby pinned to her immaculately styled and sprayed hair at a perfect 45 degree angle.  She looked really good.

My gown was simple black.

“Yeah.  It’s happening” I said, forcing a smile.  “Did you go out last night?”

“No, my family came down from New York.  We thought we’d have the big dinner last night since every place will be packed tonight.  Did you go out last night?”

“Yeah.  Went to the Skeller to see Queen Bee.”

Sandi laughed.  “You Skulls!  You’ll be drunk the day of your own funerals!”

That didn’t make much sense.  Smile and nod.

We made a little more small talk as everyone ran through the ceremony once.  The auditorium was already getting pretty fucking hot.

After we finished rehearsal, we had ten minutes for whatever.  I had to take a leak, then I needed aspirin and water.

At 1 PM exactly, we filed into the auditorium and sat in our assigned places near the stage.  Parents and whomever were seated behind us.  The Dean of the College started by apologizing for the air conditioners being out.  So that was the problem!

Speech.

Speeeech.

Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

Hey!  It’s fucking hot in here!  Can we get moving?

Finally, we lined up and were called across the stage one by one for our diplomas.  As Sandi was on the step above me, I had a great view of her nice ass.  She turned and said “Oh my God!  This is it!  Good luck Lance!  Hope I don’t trip!”

“Good luck, Sandi.  You won’t fall.”

Her name was called, and she strutted perfectly on four inch heels across the stage- the picture of confident womanhood.  That was the last I ever saw of Sandi, and it was a great image to remember her by.

“Lance Kandler”

I mounted the stage and walked across to accept my diploma and out the door to a reception type area.  High fives and tossed hats.  And too soon, parents.

 April 28, 1989  Last Collegian of the semester  I'm not crying- you're crying

My parents, brother, and I walked across campus toward the House.  From there, we’d go back to Spring City, leaving my home for the past few years- the first true home I’d ever known.  My family and I walked without speaking- like we were coming from a funeral.  Walking down a path some distance away was Judy, her brother, and her mother.  My heart leaped and died in a moment.  They were laughing and happy.

            Judy’s group waved to me from a distance.  She smiled at me and held my eyes for a moment.  I waved back.  Tried to smile. 

            I watched them walk down the path and turn the corner.

            “Who was that?” my mom asked.

            “A friend” I said quietly.  “Just a friend.”

            It was over.