Dearest Lisa,
I can't believe it's been five years already. I can't believe I've survived this long without your help, your laugh, your guidance and your love.
How does one live with someone that they cannot live without? Well, I've been doing it for five long years. And I didn't even have the worst of it.
Five years since I learned- since we all learned, that you decided to leave us. That the Darkness finally took you.
You left us all behind. You left me behind. We had a promise to each other- that if the Darkness was closing in on either of us, we would call the other, no matter what time it was. We looked into each others eyes and promised each other.
And you fucking lied to me- lied to my face.
Five long long years. So much has happened, yet, really, nothing has. Yes, I went full time. Aside from that, not much has changed. You left so many of us in Pain. THAT is the biggest change, really. Before, we had you- your wisdom and smile. We had your presence.
Now, we don't.
I would argue that in some ways we still have you around- that I think you are still watching over Sandy. That I have felt your love across the veil. You would laugh and scoff at that idea. After all, you thought that death was The End. Guess you found out five years ago.
Do you realize how many times I was ready to follow you into the Light? All the planning. All the Pain. Yet, here I am, still. Because in the end, I'm a coward. In the end, I listened to those people who pulled me back from the brink. They did what I could NOT do- keep you here. I think of that every day. Every fucking day. Yeah, in addition to all the Pain I already live with, I have guilt. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, Lisa.
Yes, I realize I shouldn't feel guilty- I'm not the one who started those paint sprayers. I wasn't in that van. YOU made the choice, not me. Those are all logical arguments.
Doesn't matter. Never did. Never will. I feel how I feel.
My therapist (remember her?) tells me to look for silver linings on things- like how if I hadn't been thrown out I never would have transitioned. If I went into the light in 2016 like I planned, there are so many things I would've missed. Yeah, I think I could've done without living to see who "won" that election, thank you. Thing is, I really can't think of ANY silver lining in your death. Yes, the local trans community had a serious reflection about suicide. That's about it. Maybe that would've happened if anyone else had gone, maybe not.
After all, you were an Icon. Still are. Five years later.
I've learned a lot since you left. I learned about myself, and about you. Did you know Sandy asked me to write a book about you? Of course you do. You were always a private person, Lisa, so I wonder what you'd say about my learning all I have. I don't think you'd be happy about it. Well, tough luck, girl- price you pay for lying and dying.
I still think about you, Lisa. I still cry for you. I hope you've found peace.
I will always love you and miss you.
Sophie.
I can't believe it's been five years already. I can't believe I've survived this long without your help, your laugh, your guidance and your love.
How does one live with someone that they cannot live without? Well, I've been doing it for five long years. And I didn't even have the worst of it.
Five years since I learned- since we all learned, that you decided to leave us. That the Darkness finally took you.
You left us all behind. You left me behind. We had a promise to each other- that if the Darkness was closing in on either of us, we would call the other, no matter what time it was. We looked into each others eyes and promised each other.
And you fucking lied to me- lied to my face.
Laptop Lounge, August 4, 2012
Five long long years. So much has happened, yet, really, nothing has. Yes, I went full time. Aside from that, not much has changed. You left so many of us in Pain. THAT is the biggest change, really. Before, we had you- your wisdom and smile. We had your presence.
Now, we don't.
I would argue that in some ways we still have you around- that I think you are still watching over Sandy. That I have felt your love across the veil. You would laugh and scoff at that idea. After all, you thought that death was The End. Guess you found out five years ago.
Do you realize how many times I was ready to follow you into the Light? All the planning. All the Pain. Yet, here I am, still. Because in the end, I'm a coward. In the end, I listened to those people who pulled me back from the brink. They did what I could NOT do- keep you here. I think of that every day. Every fucking day. Yeah, in addition to all the Pain I already live with, I have guilt. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, Lisa.
Yes, I realize I shouldn't feel guilty- I'm not the one who started those paint sprayers. I wasn't in that van. YOU made the choice, not me. Those are all logical arguments.
Doesn't matter. Never did. Never will. I feel how I feel.
My therapist (remember her?) tells me to look for silver linings on things- like how if I hadn't been thrown out I never would have transitioned. If I went into the light in 2016 like I planned, there are so many things I would've missed. Yeah, I think I could've done without living to see who "won" that election, thank you. Thing is, I really can't think of ANY silver lining in your death. Yes, the local trans community had a serious reflection about suicide. That's about it. Maybe that would've happened if anyone else had gone, maybe not.
After all, you were an Icon. Still are. Five years later.
I've learned a lot since you left. I learned about myself, and about you. Did you know Sandy asked me to write a book about you? Of course you do. You were always a private person, Lisa, so I wonder what you'd say about my learning all I have. I don't think you'd be happy about it. Well, tough luck, girl- price you pay for lying and dying.
I still think about you, Lisa. I still cry for you. I hope you've found peace.
I will always love you and miss you.
Sophie.
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether to be upset at you or proud of you. But I think that's part of life, and how we deal with frustration - especially when someone one cares about is gone from the scene.
Lisa was and is still very important to you. And to consider giving in to the "black dog" of depression would be an offense in Lisas eyes - even though she fell victim to that dog herself. But you have survived and grown over these 5 years, and it is something you should be proud of.
Where I'm trying to go is a place where life for you becomes one less of suffering and more of celebration. And that's my fondest wish for you, so that you can honor Lisa's memory best - by beating that black dog, no matter what comes to you in the future.
So please take my inelegant words as a form of saluting you for beating the black dog as long as you have done so far, and that you will continue to honor Lisa's memory by staying alive and well. Hopefully, we will have the opportunity to meet, and you can tell me in person about the good times you had with Lisa as a dear friend.
All my best to you....
Marian