All schools have them: the Popular Kids. You know exactly who I'm writing about, I know.
There are the popular guys, who can get any girl they want- usually play a sport or three; usually rich family; very handsome; great car; etc. They can be bullies, jerks, yet some are nice.
Then there are the Popular Girls. We all know the stereotypes. Catty. Always impeccably dressed. Usually dating an upperclassman, jock, or college guy. Won't even acknowledge your existence if you aren't popular. Again, they can be bullies, jerks, yet some are nice.
I have no idea when people become "popular." When all of the elementary schools in my district got together at Junior High, it was like the pecking order was established instantly. And so it was.
My school was no different. Spring Ford (SF) was a small school back then- a lot of farms. However in the late 70s, we had something new- housing subdivisions. That meant affluent families. Popular kids. My graduating class, 1984, was the largest in SF history to that point: 275 students. SF now graduates somewhere around 800. All of the farms have become McMansion farms and developments.
The other day, I was going through boxes in storage, and I found old High School yearbooks. Not my senior one- I have that one in my apartment. No, these were older. One was my junior high 9th grade yearbook. (We didn't have a middle school back then- junior high was 7th through 9th grade.) I'll come back to this.
I have been in contact with a few of my old classmates since the reunion. One is Michele. Michele was one of the popular girls from day one. Blonde, gorgeous, always well dressed- she was always in the right places with the right people.
Unlike so many others though... she was nice. I was FAR from popular, but she knew my name and was nice to me. One of my best memories of her was, strangely enough, during a summer vacation. In summer 1980, my family was spending a week down in southern Delaware, where my dad was still working on the house he bought. The Empire Strikes Back was just out, and of course I HAD to see it! I couldn't drive, I mean I was only 13 at the time, so my Mum took me to the theater in Midway, De. We sat near the back, but my Mum asked me to scout further up to see if any seats were open. There, to my right, were Michele and another beautiful, popular classmate, April. They spotted me and said "hello," and, as they had a seat open next to them, asked me to sit with them. Since I was there with my Mum, and painfully shy, I politely refused. I told Mum about it, and she said I should sit with them, but I didn't. I was afraid of my secret being discovered, or that they would think I was a total dork... or both. I spent the rest of the summer kicking myself for not sitting with them
I still wonder how different my life may have been if I had sat with them?
Anyway, Michele and I have stayed in touch. She has been super-supportive of my transition (she's a Christian who actually follows Christ's teachings, unlike so many.) She's married, kids, great career- has it all. And unlike some, she deserves it. And, dammit, she's still gorgeous! *Meow* I was going through those yearbooks and I came across a wonderful picture of her that was full of attitude (I posted it above) and, for giggles, sent it to her.
Turns out, she was at a gathering. She and two other of my classmates were hanging out: Patty and Jeanne. Popular girls. Oh, and they were Class Officers as well.
They had a laugh too. So I sent pictures of them as well. Laughs all around, I'm told.
Jeanne's maiden name starts with "Kar..." so she sat behind me in homeroom every year for six years. We barely spoke. She scared the hell out of me. She was a breathtaking beauty, and, as she was popular, I didn't dare speak to her. She was the second of several sisters, all beautiful. After I started working with the popular guys at BK, she warmed to me a little. Don't get me wrong- she was never mean to me, and, had I been more... talkative... we may have been friends.
Patty? I never spoke to her. Like, ever. She hung out with the jocks and such. Y'know, football players, etc. I have been told by many people, then and over the years, that she was really very sweet. Well, I never had a class with her or anything- our paths didn't cross- and I wasn't about to speak to a popular girl just to be laughed at. Or beaten up by a football player. Not that Patty would've laughed- I'm told she was nice- but, well, it's happened to me.
So, Michele, Jeanne, and Patty were having a gathering. They have stayed friends. Aren't the Popular Girls supposed to be catty and hateful? Yet here they are, 34 years after graduation, still close friends.
Theirs is a friendship I will never know/understand, as I never experienced it: the friendship of women who go through their lives and stay close. These are women who experienced it ALL together. They went to proms, dating, college, marriage, children. All of life's triumphs and tragedies, they have weathered together. Supported and nurtured each other.
And I? I could only hide my Truth, and wish. Wish until I cried. After all, to the world, I was a guy, and guys don't have THOSE sort of friendships. No, their friendships aren't nurturing. Yes, they can be close- there are guys for whom I would take a bullet. But it isn't the same.
I've always had female friends, but none like that. There was always the unspoken barrier of "you're a guy- there's things we can't discuss."
I finally transitioned in 2014. I was 47. I have many trans- woman friends. We understand and nurture each other. We go to conferences and galas. We support each other through surgeries. Triumphs and tragedies.
But none of have what these women have.
And all the wishing in the world won't change that.
Transwomen in school today- they may have these friendships. They may know the joy of being considered female from childhood. My generation, and those that came before mine, suffered and died so they could have this.
It's amazing how much you learn about people after a while. I knew Michele was nice, but I never would have dreamed she would still be speaking to me. Or that she, a Popular Girl, would support my transition. I hear Jeanne is a very loving, giving person. Would she have understood? Maybe I should've said "hi" to Patty?
Popular Girls. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to categorize and judge. After all, aren't all transpeople just "super gay child molesters?" No. We are people.
Thanks for teaching me a lesson, ladies. One I really need to keep learning.
But I am still jealous as hell about how Beautiful you all are after all these years.
Meow.
************************************
Addendum:
I sent this piece to Michele to read before posting, and she forwarded it to Jeanne and Patty. (As their pictures were here, I wanted permission to use them.) The reaction I received was positive, yet curious. Michele sent me back a wonderful, touching message, which she asked me to summarize, not quote. I do so below:
Ok, so we had a group chat. While we all are happy about the message...thank you!...there's just a lot here that might not be true. Your perspective, yes, but let's clarify some stuff.
First, none of us felt popular! We all thought of SF as a big mishmash of kids. None of the three of us were affluent. [She provides examples. But that's perspective- to me, they seemed affluent, as I understood it.]
Also, we didn't hang out with jocks...I mean I'm not sure who the jocks were. Jeanne and I played sports, but we were also in the darn marching band! We were friends with a lot of bandos.
[Michele dated a wrestler through high school. And Jeanne was the Drum Major.]
We all agreed that we all had insecurities in high school (and even still), but it doesn't define us.
[I'll come back to this]
I guess you could say we were all in the same boat of insecurity, to one degree or another.
[Another classmate] recently told me that I was popular in high school, and I'm like, "really?"
I was actually a bit stunned by the response.
At first, my mind was drawn to First, none of us felt popular! We all thought of SF as a big mishmash of kids and [Another classmate] recently told me that I was popular in high school, and I'm like, "really?"
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. How could the popular kids not realize they were popular? They didn't realize how easy...they... had... it... wait a second...
We all agreed that we all had insecurities in high school (and even still), but it doesn't define us.
Perspective, yet again. Maybe that was the whole difference- they overcame their insecurities and thrived, while I never could. I never could see myself as human, never mind even remotely on the same level as everyone else. It was that self-image, that Self-Hatred, that defines me to this day.
They (those three) didn't see themselves as the rest of the school saw them. To them, they just... were. To the rest of us, they were Popular.
I've been told by so many people that they look up to me- how much I matter. How strong I am. "Your community cherishes you so" Kira once told me.
And I don't see it. I cannot comprehend what they see. To me, I'm still that sub human loser.
There's a lesson here. Maybe we don't see past our own insecurities- our own world. Perhaps our personal lens is myopic. Maybe those who succeed are those who can see beyond their insecurities, or dare to believe what they cannot see themselves. Maybe they're just better listeners.
I have a LOT to think about.
Be well.
There are the popular guys, who can get any girl they want- usually play a sport or three; usually rich family; very handsome; great car; etc. They can be bullies, jerks, yet some are nice.
Then there are the Popular Girls. We all know the stereotypes. Catty. Always impeccably dressed. Usually dating an upperclassman, jock, or college guy. Won't even acknowledge your existence if you aren't popular. Again, they can be bullies, jerks, yet some are nice.
I have no idea when people become "popular." When all of the elementary schools in my district got together at Junior High, it was like the pecking order was established instantly. And so it was.
Michele with Attitude, 1982. Used with kind permission
My school was no different. Spring Ford (SF) was a small school back then- a lot of farms. However in the late 70s, we had something new- housing subdivisions. That meant affluent families. Popular kids. My graduating class, 1984, was the largest in SF history to that point: 275 students. SF now graduates somewhere around 800. All of the farms have become McMansion farms and developments.
The other day, I was going through boxes in storage, and I found old High School yearbooks. Not my senior one- I have that one in my apartment. No, these were older. One was my junior high 9th grade yearbook. (We didn't have a middle school back then- junior high was 7th through 9th grade.) I'll come back to this.
Spring Ford High school, 1981. From the yearbook
I have been in contact with a few of my old classmates since the reunion. One is Michele. Michele was one of the popular girls from day one. Blonde, gorgeous, always well dressed- she was always in the right places with the right people.
Unlike so many others though... she was nice. I was FAR from popular, but she knew my name and was nice to me. One of my best memories of her was, strangely enough, during a summer vacation. In summer 1980, my family was spending a week down in southern Delaware, where my dad was still working on the house he bought. The Empire Strikes Back was just out, and of course I HAD to see it! I couldn't drive, I mean I was only 13 at the time, so my Mum took me to the theater in Midway, De. We sat near the back, but my Mum asked me to scout further up to see if any seats were open. There, to my right, were Michele and another beautiful, popular classmate, April. They spotted me and said "hello," and, as they had a seat open next to them, asked me to sit with them. Since I was there with my Mum, and painfully shy, I politely refused. I told Mum about it, and she said I should sit with them, but I didn't. I was afraid of my secret being discovered, or that they would think I was a total dork... or both. I spent the rest of the summer kicking myself for not sitting with them
I still wonder how different my life may have been if I had sat with them?
Anyway, Michele and I have stayed in touch. She has been super-supportive of my transition (she's a Christian who actually follows Christ's teachings, unlike so many.) She's married, kids, great career- has it all. And unlike some, she deserves it. And, dammit, she's still gorgeous! *Meow* I was going through those yearbooks and I came across a wonderful picture of her that was full of attitude (I posted it above) and, for giggles, sent it to her.
Turns out, she was at a gathering. She and two other of my classmates were hanging out: Patty and Jeanne. Popular girls. Oh, and they were Class Officers as well.
They had a laugh too. So I sent pictures of them as well. Laughs all around, I'm told.
Patty, Michele, Jeanne, 1983 yearbook. Used with kind permission
Jeanne's maiden name starts with "Kar..." so she sat behind me in homeroom every year for six years. We barely spoke. She scared the hell out of me. She was a breathtaking beauty, and, as she was popular, I didn't dare speak to her. She was the second of several sisters, all beautiful. After I started working with the popular guys at BK, she warmed to me a little. Don't get me wrong- she was never mean to me, and, had I been more... talkative... we may have been friends.
Patty? I never spoke to her. Like, ever. She hung out with the jocks and such. Y'know, football players, etc. I have been told by many people, then and over the years, that she was really very sweet. Well, I never had a class with her or anything- our paths didn't cross- and I wasn't about to speak to a popular girl just to be laughed at. Or beaten up by a football player. Not that Patty would've laughed- I'm told she was nice- but, well, it's happened to me.
So, Michele, Jeanne, and Patty were having a gathering. They have stayed friends. Aren't the Popular Girls supposed to be catty and hateful? Yet here they are, 34 years after graduation, still close friends.
Theirs is a friendship I will never know/understand, as I never experienced it: the friendship of women who go through their lives and stay close. These are women who experienced it ALL together. They went to proms, dating, college, marriage, children. All of life's triumphs and tragedies, they have weathered together. Supported and nurtured each other.
And I? I could only hide my Truth, and wish. Wish until I cried. After all, to the world, I was a guy, and guys don't have THOSE sort of friendships. No, their friendships aren't nurturing. Yes, they can be close- there are guys for whom I would take a bullet. But it isn't the same.
Me: 9th grade. "Student of the Week."
I've always had female friends, but none like that. There was always the unspoken barrier of "you're a guy- there's things we can't discuss."
I finally transitioned in 2014. I was 47. I have many trans- woman friends. We understand and nurture each other. We go to conferences and galas. We support each other through surgeries. Triumphs and tragedies.
But none of have what these women have.
And all the wishing in the world won't change that.
Transwomen in school today- they may have these friendships. They may know the joy of being considered female from childhood. My generation, and those that came before mine, suffered and died so they could have this.
It's amazing how much you learn about people after a while. I knew Michele was nice, but I never would have dreamed she would still be speaking to me. Or that she, a Popular Girl, would support my transition. I hear Jeanne is a very loving, giving person. Would she have understood? Maybe I should've said "hi" to Patty?
Michele, Patty, and Jeanne. February 2018 Used with kind permission.
Popular Girls. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to categorize and judge. After all, aren't all transpeople just "super gay child molesters?" No. We are people.
Thanks for teaching me a lesson, ladies. One I really need to keep learning.
But I am still jealous as hell about how Beautiful you all are after all these years.
Meow.
Fair's fair. Me (summer after 9th grade) and now
************************************
Addendum:
I sent this piece to Michele to read before posting, and she forwarded it to Jeanne and Patty. (As their pictures were here, I wanted permission to use them.) The reaction I received was positive, yet curious. Michele sent me back a wonderful, touching message, which she asked me to summarize, not quote. I do so below:
Ok, so we had a group chat. While we all are happy about the message...thank you!...there's just a lot here that might not be true. Your perspective, yes, but let's clarify some stuff.
First, none of us felt popular! We all thought of SF as a big mishmash of kids. None of the three of us were affluent. [She provides examples. But that's perspective- to me, they seemed affluent, as I understood it.]
Also, we didn't hang out with jocks...I mean I'm not sure who the jocks were. Jeanne and I played sports, but we were also in the darn marching band! We were friends with a lot of bandos.
[Michele dated a wrestler through high school. And Jeanne was the Drum Major.]
We all agreed that we all had insecurities in high school (and even still), but it doesn't define us.
[I'll come back to this]
I guess you could say we were all in the same boat of insecurity, to one degree or another.
[Another classmate] recently told me that I was popular in high school, and I'm like, "really?"
I was actually a bit stunned by the response.
At first, my mind was drawn to First, none of us felt popular! We all thought of SF as a big mishmash of kids and [Another classmate] recently told me that I was popular in high school, and I'm like, "really?"
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. How could the popular kids not realize they were popular? They didn't realize how easy...they... had... it... wait a second...
We all agreed that we all had insecurities in high school (and even still), but it doesn't define us.
Perspective, yet again. Maybe that was the whole difference- they overcame their insecurities and thrived, while I never could. I never could see myself as human, never mind even remotely on the same level as everyone else. It was that self-image, that Self-Hatred, that defines me to this day.
They (those three) didn't see themselves as the rest of the school saw them. To them, they just... were. To the rest of us, they were Popular.
March 1, 2018
I've been told by so many people that they look up to me- how much I matter. How strong I am. "Your community cherishes you so" Kira once told me.
And I don't see it. I cannot comprehend what they see. To me, I'm still that sub human loser.
There's a lesson here. Maybe we don't see past our own insecurities- our own world. Perhaps our personal lens is myopic. Maybe those who succeed are those who can see beyond their insecurities, or dare to believe what they cannot see themselves. Maybe they're just better listeners.
I have a LOT to think about.
Be well.
There is a lot to unpack in your recent communications with your old schoolmates. You should heed your own advise and "...shouldn't be so quick to categorize and judge...".
ReplyDeleteYou know that 'one size fits all pantyhose' does not cover things. The same is true for people. I find it is never a good idea to put people into groups and Balkanize them. Every person has their own unique qualities and characteristics. Lets not judge books by their covers.
Pat