Halloween Fail

Last night I attended a Halloween party thrown by friend Randi.  She and her husband have thrown this party many years in a row.  For the past five years, I've attended the party and each time I was dressed like a woman... except last year when I had to work.

In fact a couple years ago I dressed as a Vampiress and a couple of the women in attendance asked me if I was transitioning as the breast prosthetic looked THAT good!  (Thanks Proactive Prosthetics!)

Vamping

So this year the party was on the 25th, which was Wife's birthday.  I came home from work, changed into boy clothes and washed off my makeup, waiting for Wife to call.  Maybe she'd want to go to dinner for her birthday, either with or without daughter.

That call would never come.

So I decided to go to the party.  And I decided that I'd go crossdressed... as a guy.  This group of people are very intelligent as a rule- mostly chemists and engineers, so I figured they'd get the "Oh look she's crossdressed again" thing I was attempting.

Nope, I had to explain it.  And if you have to explain it, the joke (or the costume) failed.

So I hung out for a while.  I drank homemade punch and spiced homemade mead.  I had a pulled pork sandwich.  We played Cards Against Humanity.  I had a good time.  The place was extremely well decorated and there were some wonderful costumes!  The company couldn't have been better!

I have another party on Saturday.  I had thought of going to THAT party as Lance, but in light of the costume fail at this party, I'll probably go with a different look.

Maybe this?

Today was Daughter's birthday.  I didn't see her.  She and Wife never got away from MIL or the very conservative brother in law, who visited with his five children.  Then they all went to a party at Build-A-Bear.  Daughter enjoyed herself I'm told, and that's really important.

Still, I would've liked to have hugged my daughter on her birthday.

There's a lot more to this topic, but it goes into the "private family matters" category.  So that's all I'll say about it.

So now what?  So far, this Halloween hasn't exactly been the best.  I had a good time at the party in a bad costume (did I mention how uncomfortable I felt being a guy?  And how squished my breasts felt?)

So, there's a trip to Baltimore this Friday for Halloween, then another party.  Then Halloween 2014 is history.

I hope to see my Daughter this week.  I could really use a hug from her.

On This Harvest Moon: Six Years

Halloween approaches!  And I finally have some time to type some thoughts.  I've been rather busy,

Halloween, as I've often said, is my favorite holiday.  It's also my "birthday"- the anniversary of the night I dressed as a woman for the first time in decades.

Halloween 2008.  My Wife saw me that night: she was Clark Kent to my Lois Lane.  My friend Dawn did my makeup.  I didn't know that this innocent costume would break open a long scabbed over wound.  I sort of wondered if it would though.  I wondered if I had the strength to keep it down.  I figured I did- after all, I'd kept it down and deeply buried for over twenty years at that point.  My coworkers saw me that night.  My costume was a hit.

Halloween 2008, a previously "unpublished" photo

My Breasts for Halloween 08 were birdseed in pantyhose

We all know what happened.  I didn't have the strength to stop my feminine side again.  And a little more than a month later, I was Sophie.

The following Halloween (2009) was a party co-hosted by myself and my friend M.  That year, I had purchased breast forms, hip pads, a custom corset, and breasts from Proactive Prosthetics arrived.  I had my ears pierced.  I had my eyebrows waxed.  I also learned about the genius of Amanda Richards.  So for the Halloween party, I again went as a woman, but this time with a little more polish.  For the party, I called myself Monique.

Monique

And I also attended the Henri David Ball in a costume made for me by Lorraine Anderson of Occasional Woman.  

Mary Marvel

Another year passed.  I gained experience doing my own makeup and with wardrobe choices.  For the "work" Halloween Party 2010, I went as God's gift to women- I wrapped myself in wrapping paper.  I was hoping to throw off suspicions that I was a crossdresser.  It seemed to work.  However, for the Laptop Lounge Halloween Party (and for a friend's Halloween party) I again went with Mary Marvel.  This time I visited a bar alone, and also visited a comic shop before going to the party.

"God's Gift to Women"

At the Comic book store.  They recognized me immediately.

But for Henri David the following night, I wore another Lorraine Anderson creation: a St. Pauli Girl.  That night was ruined by someone who did her best to get me angry.  

Want a Beer?

Halloween 2011 was an odd one.  Again, I co-hosted the Halloween Party.  But this time, it snowed heavily the night of the party, so few showed up.  I wore Mary Marvel that night (and for the subsequent "make up" party the following February.  It was my co-workers first time seeing that costume.  

At the "work" party

For Laptop Lounge and the soon to follow Beauty and the Beach costume contest, I wore another Lorraine Anderson costume.  I was supposed to be an Evil Queen, but I had gained so much weight I thought I looked like a diva opera singer.  The costume was beautiful though.  I didn't attend Henri David Ball that year, as I still had a bad taste in my mouth from the year before.

Want an apple, Snow White?

 Halloween 2012 I wore the same outfit to the work party as to the Henri David ball.  I bought the outfit from the Pyramid Collection catalog, but Lorraine Anderson did many modifications to it, as it didn't quite fit.  I love this costume.  As can be imagined, tongues were beginning to wag about my going as a woman yet again.  Two months after this, I was on hormones.

Vampiress

Halloween 2013 was rather somber.  In the two months prior to this, I'd been thrown out of my MIL's house, was living with a friend, and had lost one of my best friends to suicide.  Yet I cohosted a sparsely attended party anyway.  I wore Mary Marvel again.  I got very drunk very quickly.  However, I wore a new costume to Henri David ball.  This was another Lorraine Anderson creation: a Flameco Dancer.  And for the first time on Halloween, I did my own makeup.  By that time, I'd stopped wearing forms and was sporting my own breasts. 

Flamenco!

Now it's Halloween 2014.  It will be six years since my re-awakening.  My life is completely different than the one I had on Halloween 2008.  What am I wearing for Halloween?  Well, for the Laptop Pre-Halloween party, I revisited the St. Pauli Girl- this time without the prosthetic.  On Halloween night, I plan to be in Baltimore dressed as Mary Marvel (after which I'll probably retire that costume.)  But for the two parties on Saturday Nov 1?   

Can I get you anything?

That would be telling.

On this Harvest Moon, I reflect upon my life as is was and as it is.  And I wonder where the road will take me in this next year.  I now have 111 followers, and I hope that whatever happens will be compelling enough to keep you reading.  As I really do appreciate you all.

I wish you all the best Saim Hann (if that's your way) and the happiest of Halloweens!

Blogging Advice

My dear friend Mary Almy is starting her own blog.  She sent me a facialbook message asking for advice.  So I thought about it.  And I thought some more.  And all that thinking tired me out, so I took a nap.

I decided that I'd write my thoughts here.  Mary said she was ok with that.

I've been doing this blog (counting the Myspace days) since December 2008.  I started it right after my first night out as Sophie (not counting Halloween, when I was Lois Lane.)  So that's *counts on fingers* six years.  I've built up a modest following, including 109 Amazing masochists who subscribe (and I thank you all!)

Where did I learn to blog?  Well, I didn't.  I've been winging it for six years.  Seriously.  So how do I approach writing this blog?  Do I follow any rules?  Who put the bomp in the bomp-sh-bomp-sh-bomp?

Rules?  What rules?

There are many books out there on Blogging.  Maybe someday I should read one.  But I took my inspiration from two bloggers:  Donna Rose and Kimberly Huddle.  From them I learned that blog entries tend to focus on a given topic, so that's what I try to do as well- one topic per entry.

I also have a few rules I follow, most of which came from my writing mentor back in my Penn State days: the late Professor Phillip Klass (aka William Tenn.)

1)  "Write with Fire; edit with Ice."  Write with passion and without caring about things like grammar on the first draft.  That's what subsequent drafts are about- edit mercilessly, and Never Settle.  I usually break this rule with my blog, as I rarely go back to edit it- preferring the Fire for this format.  My TG Forum column is edited with ice, then checked again by the editor, Angela Gardner.

2) "If possible, write your first draft Longhand, then type it for your second draft, editing and expanding as you go."  Professor Klass insisted upon this.  I still think my writing is better that way.  I wrote my entire book (you know the unpublished one?) longhand, then typed it.  It was a lot of work but I feel it was worth the effort.  I write out many of my blog entries long hand, and I think it's easy to see the difference between those and the ones that I type in "cold."

3) "Develop a style."  This took me a long time, but I think I'm sort of there.  I use odd capitalization to emphasize Important Words, a technique I stole shamelessly from the late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.  I also use frequent fragments, which would drive an English teacher crazy.  I do it to emphasize rhythm and pacing, and because I tend to write as I speak.

Last but not least:

4)  "Sophie's Law: Be completely honest with yourself and especially with your readers."  This one is my guiding light.  I don't write much fiction because of this, but the fiction I write, I try to be as honest as I can.  I write this blog for many reasons, but one of them is to explore what's inside the tangled mess in my head.  I can't do that if I'm not honest with myself.  Also I truly believe that a reader can tell when a writer is full of sh*t.  I think my best stuff comes when I dig out something I didn't expect, or when I'm writing full of raw emotion.  My "most read entries" seem to bear this out. Occasionally while I'm writing, I begin to cry, especially if I'm typing about certain topics.  But I keep typing.  It helps me through the pain.  And with GID and transition, there is a LOT of Pain.  And Darkness.

So, Mary, there's some of the basics.  I'll leave you with the most important thing Prof. Klass ever taught me:  WRITE.  Write every day.  A lot of it will suck, but that's ok, as no one needs to see it.  I have notebooks full of longhand crap that won't see the light of day.  But the Writing muscle MUST be exercised like any other muscle.  You can't improve if you don't write and practice.  The corollary to this rule is to READ.  Read what others have written.  Enjoy it.  Learn from it.  What worked and what didn't?  How would YOU have done it? I try to read every day as well.  But writing?  I don't feel complete if I haven't written at least a page longhand each day.

If you wish to see how my own style has developed over time, you need only examine my Myspace blogs, or my work on Fictionmania, or, as mentioned earlier, my TG Forum column.  I just re-read my Myspace stuff because I think it's fascinating to see my journey from the beginning.

In fact, that may even be my next book...

Early October; Kim and Zoey

October is here!  Yay?  Well, this month has my favorite holiday as well as the birthdays of Wife and Daughter.  It also has pumpkin pie and Penn State football.  (PSU is 4-1 if anyone cares.)

Two major events happened this week.  Yes, already.

The first was that Linda Lewis and I now have a room mate.  Yes there are now three of us in this apartment.  The new roomie is named Zoey, and she came here from Iowa.  She is an actress by trade and also a freelance writer.  I've only ever read one thing she's written but I liked it.  More on her in later entries.  In any case, it's nice not having to pay all that extra rent.

I also had dinner with Kimberly Huddle last Saturday.  For those who don't know, Kimberly has her own blog in which she writes brilliantly about travelling the country cross-dressed.  She was making a rare trip to Philadelphia, and invited Linda, Zoey and I to dinner (though Zoey couldn't make it.  My fault there.)

We met at one of my usual haunts: Rock Bottom at the King of Prussia Mall.  I had to work, so I was the last to arrive.  Linda and Kim were seated near the back.  I saw Linda first as I approached the table, then I saw Kim, smiling brighter than the sun.  She was wearing a red orange top, slacks (!), and her trademark flip hairstyle.  Two amazing women at the same table.  I felt very privileged to be joining them.

We sat and talked for a while about travelling, about Linda and I's current living situation and about our mutual jobs.  Kim spoke about her trip out here and we talked a little about our blogs.  It was loud in there, but not so loud that we couldn't hear each other talk.  Close, but not quite.  As always, Kim had Linda and I laughing so hard with her understated "down home" sense of humor and the absurd.

They ate Mac and Cheese dishes.  I had German sausages.  And beer.  Why not?  It was good, but I didn't like the boiled red cabbage.

After dinner we all had a glass of wine.  We asked the waiter to take some pictures, which he did, starting with a selfie (see Kim's blog for that pic.)  He took several pictures with my camera and hers. I think the pic from her camera is the best, and she posted it on her blog.  Of the ones on my camera, the best one is below, after a little cropping by Linda.

Kim had an early morning the next day, so the night ended far too soon.  As I was exhausted (and broke) I headed back to the apartment.

It's always wonderful to see Kim.  It's such a rarity, and always a treat.  If you haven't read her blog, you're missing out.  This chick is the definition of Guts.  She does what so many of us wish we could do (at least I did before I went FT) and in doing so she is an inspiration to so many people.  Her bravery, beauty and poise continues to inspire me.

So I had dinner with two of my inspirations.  Yes, I know how lucky I am.  And when I'm feeling down, I remember times like this, and it helps me remember how fortunate I really am.  I'm living the dream- I'm full time.  I'm paying the price, but still...

Thanks to Kim and Linda for a wonderful night.

And welcome to Zoey!  It's going to be a wild ride!

A Dream from the Other Night

Late last week, I had a Dream that stuck with me.

First a little background- as I've mentioned before, when I was in college I joined a fraternity. In May 1985, I joined Phi Kappa Sigma (Skull House)at Drexel University.  Then I transferred to Penn State, where, eventually, I lived in the fraternity house there.  How this came to be is a long and complex story, and truth to be told isn't the happiest tale.  That said, I wrote a book about it, which was never published.

Skull House, PSU 1987. I took this from the apartment building across the street.

Anyhow, I graduated from Penn State, but didn't really keep in close touch with too many of the brothers until Facialbook came along.  I visited as often as I could over the years, but the place I visit the House most is in my dreams.

Yes really.

Usually when I dream about the House, it is many times larger than it really is, with parts under construction and a massive three story foyer.  Its always like the House as viewed through a funhouse mirror.

I've only dreamed of myself as Sophie there a couple of times.  In any case, I'm always whatever my age is at the time, while the brothers are all exactly as they were all those years ago.

July 2013- first time at PSU as Sophie

SO... This Dream.  It was Homecoming, and I went to the House for the alumni reception, not knowing what to expect.  I was wearing a black cocktail dress that showed just enough cleavage to be interesting, pumps, and modest jewelry.  In this dream, there were other people who in the dream I knew were fellow alumni, but who I don't know (random dream people generator at work again!)  In this dream, the active brothers are "current" meaning I don't know any of them.  A couple of them wonder who I am, and why is an unescorted woman wandering about the first floor of the House, having a drink.

These two guys, dressed in mismatched jackets and slacks, come over to me and ask me my business there, and I tell them that once upon a time, I was a Brother there.  They looked me up and down and started to laugh.  I then completed my part of the fraternity "challenge" (used to identify brothers from other chapters, alumni, etc) and they were stunned.

Word passed quickly that one of the alumni is transgender.  But no one else challenged me.  Or even spoke to me.  I stood looking at old composites and scrapbooks (one of which I worked on back in my day) sipping wine and tolerating the occasional stare or laugh in my direction.

The letters are the only set I have from then that still fits me

I walked  out onto the large porch, wine in hand.  It was night, and the spotlights shown up on the house like they always have.  I always thought that being on the front porch at night was like being on a giant stage with all of PSU as the audience.

So I was out on the porch and one of the actives approached me.  He was young and thin, almost gaunt, like I was during college.  He came over and said, "excuse me, are you him, I mean her?"

And I said "if you mean am I Sophie who was a brother here, yes, I am."  And I smiled.

He looked very shy and nervous.  "Um, so you're transgender?"

"Yes.  Why?"

"I was kinda wondering if I could ask you a few um questions."

"Sure," I said, "but it'll cost you a drink."  I held out my plastic cup.  "Cabernet please?"  And I smiled.

And it being a Dream, he went and got it with lightning speed, and he had one for himself as well.

We toasted to Phi Kappa Sigma, then I said "ask away."

"What is it like?  Being a woman?"  he said.

"It's wonderful.  I'm finally at peace."

He looked around to see if anyone was watching.  Then he said, quietly, "I think I'm like you, and I'm really scared."

I put my plastic cup of wine on the ground and hugged him.  "It's going to be ok" I said.

Then the alarm woke me up.

I really wish I could return to that dream.  I want to see how this person dealt with it all.  How did the fraternity react?  What did she do about it?

I guess I'll never know.  But I can hope that this person in my dreams had a happy ending.



*UPDATE*  There is a bit of a sequel HERE at TG Forum.

Raven's 21... but I'm Not Anymore

This past weekend in New Hope, PA was another of Jen Bryant's Raven parties.  In fact it was the 21st, and there were the requisite jokes about it being legal and all that.

Ha ha hee hee ho ho.

Red Carpet at Raven 21

Jen Bryant has really become the beautiful "face" of the Philly transwoman.  She's an ad executive whose transition has been covered in newspapers.  And she's been a force in the community for some time, joining Angela Gardner in picking up where Sandy Martin left off in arraigning safe events for the greater metropolitan trans community to gather.  And Philly has a rather large trans community.  Someday I keep telling myself I'll write an article about the Philly trans scene from the perspective of a transperson (as a few have been written by cisgender writers.)  But I digress.

The weekend featured the usual events- the gathering at the Ramada on Friday night, lunch and shopping during Saturday, then the red carpet and dinner at the Raven, followed by the party.  Linda Lewis and I attended the Ramada thing then the red carpet and dinner.  We dined with Sandy Empanada, Ally Raymond, Hayden, Veronica, Karen Kendra Holmes, Kira Morgan, and John.  A wonderful time was had by all.  For the record, Linda had Chicken Awesome while I had Chicken Mediocre.

Veronica, Ally, Me (slouching), Karen, Linda

But the basis of this entry happened later.  Dancing had started.  I'd had a wonderful conversation with two lesbian women about the meaning of womanhood, and about how singing brings people together.  (This happened in the Raven's piano bar.)  I walked out to my car to drop something off, when I encountered someone I knew.  She went elsewhere for dinner with friends, and was quite drunk.  She was belligerent, in my face and just annoying.  And in her, I saw myself as I was.

I saw Lance.

And I felt ashamed.

For so many many years I saw alcohol as a refuge.  I KNEW I could out-drink anyone, and used that to prove my manhood.  And when I got drunk, I became an asshole... just like this person was.

Don't get me wrong.  I know this person, and she's normally very even tempered and pleasant.  She's just started her journey towards full time after a few false stops.  She's a good person.  But drunk?

And I wondered how many people in our community thought that of me.

You see, my alcohol intake has decreased sharply.  I just don't want it any more.  I hate the feeling of losing control that I craved before.  I hate the sickness in the stomach.  And I'm sick to death of hangovers.  Since my DUI a few years ago, I have REALLY cut back.  And I thank God for that.

I drank a bit after Lisa died, but I learned that alcohol was no longer the hiding place that it once was for me.  It was a broken crutch.  I needed to Grow Up and face my demons.  And in many ways I have- by admitting to myself and the world my True Self.  And by walking through the Darkness back to the Light.

By seeing my drinking for what it was.

I drank a LOT in college.  And I was proud of it.  Not long ago, after I came out to an old friend, she said that I'd developed a reputation in recent years as a Drunk.  And I couldn't refute that.

What could I say?  She was right.

I'm not 21 years old anymore.  I'm 48.  And I'm no longer pretending to be a male anymore.  I am a Woman.

 At Dinner

Growing up takes many steps and a LOT of time.  I will never fully grow up.  A favorite song of mine by Marillion stated that "Without direction, there is no Childhood's End."  And now I HAVE direction.  I have found that which I never had:  Myself.  Sophie.

And I'm no longer ashamed.

I no longer find shame in being a Woman.  While I still have secrets, and always will, the Big One is out now for all to see.  I am not ashamed to say I am Trans.

Some may still find my behavior shameful or even shameless.  It used to be I'd make no apologies.  But I'm tired of being the Asshole.  I saw myself in that parking lot in the Raven (and I bumped into her a few times inside as well) and didn't like what I saw.  But at 48, I can say that I can change... and HAVE changed.  The angry young man has been replaced...

By a Woman at Peace.

Embers: A Year Without Lisa Empanada

September 16, 2013 was a very dark day.  The sun rose and my dear sister Lisa Empanada awoke, knowing that she would not see the sunset.

She planned to kill herself that day.  And she did.

She started a paint compressor in the back of a filthy paint van, laid her head on a pillow, and let the fumes kill her.

Or rather Tom did.  I've discussed this before.

In any case, it was a year ago that she died.  And on September 17 is when her Wife, Sandy, and the rest of the world found out.  The body was found by a nearby homeowner.

I won't rehash these events.  They're hard enough to think of as it is.  I discuss them in detail here and here.

So much has changed in a Year, both in my life and in the world.  It's a year that Lisa didn't experience.

No one saw it coming.  In retrospect, all the signs were there.  But we chose not to see them.  You see, that was Lisa's genius- she had us all thinking she was Happy and that the Darkness had passed her by.  Even her therapist didn't see this coming.  Lisa knew we were watching.  And she knew we'd try to stop her again.

And she was determined that no one would this time.  She succeeded.  And her prize?  An urn on a shelf in her bedroom.  Scattered ashes.  Relics spread through her friends.

Embers after the Fire of her life.

This year has been brutal.  In many ways, I've become tougher, as I didn't have her to lean on for advice and to council me out of my own Darkness.  I am transitioning without her.

I can't help but wonder what she'd think about the flowers and balloons left at the site of her death.  What would she think of myself and other wearing her dresses on occasion?  What would she think of the small urn in which I keep part of her ashes on my shelf?  What would she have said when I finally went full time?

Sometimes I think I can hear her whispering in the back of my mind.  They are words of comfort and encouragement.  Is it really her or just echoes and fantasy?  I'll keep my answer to myself.

In a year, I've found a place to live.  Linda Lewis entered my life, and is an amazing friend.  She has been a mentor and co-conspirator.  She has seen me laugh and cry.  Just as Lisa did.  But, and this is no slight against Linda, she's not Lisa.

So.  A Year.  How did I mark it?  By spending the 16th and 17th with her widow Sandy Empanada.  I took off work to be with her in Baltimore.  But she wisely decided that she didn't want to be home on that date.  The house that Lisa completely re-did for her is reminder enough.  So she decided to take a week in Ocean City, Maryland.  And she invited a small group of friends to join her.

I drove down on Tuesday, Sept 16th.  And I cried a good part of the trip.  I wanted to get it out of my system, as I wanted to be strong for her.  I wouldn't be of any use, nor any fun, if I were a blubbering idiot.  I stopped to see my parents briefly.  Mum made me lunch.  After the visit, I headed to Ocean City, and found the Carousel Hotel.

There I waited in a cabana bar on the beach.  I met a couple there from Pittsburgh and we got to talking.  They bought me shots of Jamisons.  They burned going down and set me stomach afire.  Sandy arrived with the beautiful Veronica after the outdoor bar closed, and they met me at the inside bar.   We then had dinner at the hotel restaurant.

Sandy, Veronica, myself at the hotel bar.

What Sandy didn't know was that her daughter Tiffany was coming down to surprise her.  She was coordinating this with Veronica.  When the three of us went to the Greene Turtle across the street, she missed us by minutes.  She knew what our next destination would be, so she raced ahead of the bus we rode.  The bus ride was dominated by two very drunk women in their late forties hitting on some young guys.

We were walking along the boardwalk, when standing at the side was Tiffany!  Sandy looked at her, twice, then realized that this woman was her daughter and not a random twin.  The look on her face was priceless.

Tiffany was a breath of fresh air.  She's extremely funny, and livened us all up.  Which was good, as my stomach was on fire and my brain numbed by pain.  I did my best to keep smiling and contributed an occasional comment here and again.  But I was very down, knowing that a year before, Lisa lay dying then dead.

I was failing at my job of keeping Sandy's thoughts from despair, as I couldn't do it myself.

We then went to the Purple Moose for a bit.  Then had our picture taken at one of those dress up places.  We ended the night at Dead Freddies, where Sandy and Veronica both had a huge 40 oz plus strawberry daiquiri/margarita with beer.

We finally went to bed at 2:30.  And Veronica was up with the dawn.  And a beautiful dawn it was.

We went to lunch and lurked around the boardwalk for a bit, shopping.  I bought a necklace extender.  Veronica bought an outfit.  The day was sunny and beautiful... like the day the year before when I drove like a madwoman to see Sandy upon hearing of Lisa's death.

At  Seacrets

It was a quiet subdued day.  We spent a lot of it in the hotel room, on the balcony looking over the water.

Each of us our own thoughts.

Tiffany left first.  I left soon after.  I had a long ride home, then a trip to Boston the following day.  Sandy and Veronica walked me out to my car and we hugged.  I knew others were coming the following day to keep Sandy's mood up.  I couldn't help but think that for my part I wasn't good company.  I was quiet.

I cried a good amount of the way home.  Not a cleansing good cry, but a slow stream of tears that lasted an eternity.


And for all that, there was no closure.  I wonder if there ever be.  A year ago, I said goodbye to my sister.  I asked how my heart will feel in thirty years.  I still don't know the answer to that question.  But I can say that one Year hasn't been enough to calm the storm that she left in my soul.  I still miss Lisa desperately.  Most of the world has healed, but some of us has not.  Cannot.  Will not.  Am I obsessed?

Lose your sister, then you can judge me.

I still love you and miss you, Lisa.

My Urn for Lisa

A Happy Birthday

On September 13, 2014, I turned 48.

But this story doesn't start here.  Nor does it start on September 13, 1966.  Although technically my story started there.  But that's neither here nor there.

No, today's post starts a couple of days before the 13th, on September 11, 2014.  It was a rainy, miserable day here in south east PA, and I was waiting at the PA DOT Drivers licencing center in  Malvern, PA.  I'd been waiting for over ninety minutes when finally called.  In my hand was a form signed by my therapist stating that my true gender identity is female.  I also had a money order for $12.00 as that's what the PennDOT site said I needed.

And the guy processed my form and said "that'll be $27.50."  "But the website said it was $12," I said.

"The price went up," he said, very matter of factly.

And so I left.  I couldn't get more money, as my ATM card had been compromised the weekend before, and the replacement hadn't arrived yet.

The next day, I returned.  My ATM card had been replaced, and I procured another money order, this one for $15.50.  I waited my turn again, but this time had the proper amount of money.  Not long after, I had my new drivers license, with an F where gender was indicated.


Fast forward to Saturday, September 13.  It was another rainy day.  During the day, I saw Wife and daughter.  I was in male mode.  A compromise.  The highlight of the afternoon was Daughter's "birthday surprise:"  a twenty minute "magic show" which was a rambling improv narrative as only a six year old and her toys could do.  It was incoherent and precious as all hell.  I felt the love for sure.

That night was a party.  Last year, I spent my birthday alone.  That really tore at my heart.  This year, I decided I would throw my own party.  Coincidentally, Angela's Laptop Lounge was a week early due to a Raven event the following weekend.  So I would have my party at Angela's event.  I used facialbook to invite friends- both trans and cisgender.

After seeing Wife and daughter, I returned to the apartment.  My roomie Linda was already made up, so I jumped into the shower, shaved, and did my makeup and hair.  I decided to wear an LBD, as did Linda.  Her dress would get more compliments but that's ok.

Me in an LBD

Linda drove.  Our first stop was McKenzies to see our friend Valerie, who bartends there.  We stayed for a little then went off to Baxters, where the party and the Laptop Lounge were being held.

When we arrived, there were two couples having dinner and one bar customer.  Angela was already setting up.  Soon enough, my guests started to arrive.  Some brought gifts.  Eventually eleven people would attend my "party" and I was grateful to see all of them.  I really appreciate that people took time out of their weekend to see me.

Dancing with Katie to the Grateful Dead

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't drive.  As I suspected, people started buying me drinks.  And yes, I got drunk.  The biggest hit of them all was when my "Big Sister" Mel bought me a MacAllen scotch.  That really threw me over into drunkland.  But I didn't get stupid about it.  As the night grew late, people would buy me shots over my protests and I gave them away.  I knew if I had another drink I'd be sick, and I didn't want that.  I gave several of them to the wedding party.

Oh I didn't mention them?  Right around 10:30, guests from a nearby wedding started to arrive.  The reception was over so this was the after party.  Overall, there were maybe thirty of them.  At first, they stayed to one side of the bar, away from the TG women.  As the night went on, curiosity, the desire to dance, and, undoubtedly, alcohol took hold and they mingled with us freely.

And in this way, it was a good night for education and outreach.  Heck for most of my friends, I was the only transperson they'd ever met.  Now they were mingling with a broad cross section of our community; from CDs to fully transitioned women.  Everyone was respectful and really seemed to enjoy the Night.

Eventually, I'd had enough drink, and my dear friend Elizabeth (now back from Istanbul) drove me back to my apartment.  After she left, I contemplated sticking my fingers down my throat, but decided against it.

I was hung over like crazy the next day.  The weather cleared and I went to a church fair with Wife and Daughter.  Oh what a long day, but Daughter had fun.  And when it was over, I went back to the apartment and collapsed on my bed.  I slept most of the day.  I cvan't handle the drink like I used to, and that's a very good thing.

So that was my birthday weekend.  The only word that describes it for me is Magical.  I saw so many people and really enjoyed feeling special for the day.  Normally, I hate when people make a fuss as I don't feel I deserve it.  But I decided that I'd let people make my day special for me, and that I'd accept it.  And they made it special.

Magical.

Thanks to all of you who came out, and to those who sent me birthday wishes on facialbook.

And thank You, dear readers, for staying with me through good entries and bad.

With Linda at the Party

Last Talk- a Year Later

September 7, 2013.  It was a Saturday.  Here's what I wrote about it then:


"I found Lisa near one of the bars.  She'd changed clothes as well.  She saw my mood, and we sat one a stone ledge in the lobby and talked.  And drank a bit.  

We discussed being a good parent.  She hadn't liked my idea of getting them a house.  And she felt that the only way to be the best possible parent to my daughter was to be a complete person.  

To transition.

I cried on her shoulder.  She also suggested that I be myself for the long drive home the following day.  

We hugged, and she held me closer than ever.  We parted ways, as I headed back to my room for some much needed sleep.  I turned and waved to her.  She waved back, smiling.

It was the last time I saw her alive."

The Final Night

That was a whole year ago today.  One full year has passed since I laid eyes on one of my best friends.  "My transition sister."  Lisa Empanada

She wrote about that night as well.  This is from a Facebook post:

"I miss you daddy" forced the tears to well up. Upon hearing about this, it caused a lump in my throat seeing the tears flow from a worried 'Daddy' who needs to focus on being the woman she is, in order to be the best parent she can be. All I could do was hug her...Dad to Dad.

I've written in this blog that I realize now that this was her saying goodbye. That our last hug which we held longer than before was meant to be Final.

I think about her every day.  And I think about what we spoke about.  She was emphatic that to be the best parent I could be, I had to be the best person I could be- the most complete person.  That meant going full time.  It would take me over six months, but I did it.

I wonder if she hadn't died and thrown me into the Darkness if I would've done it sooner?  Who knows?

Lisa and I had spoken many times about our transitions.  We were going to support each other through it- transition Together.  Sisters.  She had been all but full time for a few months, but hadn't gone the full way yet- she was still male for work.  

She was in Male mode when she killed herself.  I still maintain that Lisa wouldn't have done that- but Tom did.

Am I a better parent as Sophie?  Well, I hardly see my daughter.  She misses me- she tells me every time I see her.  And I tell her I love her.  Am I a better person?  Absolutely.  My anger is gone.  My need to hide and to challenge all who would get close are also gone.  I hardly drink anymore.  

I have learned to cry.

Lisa showed me how sad I could be and live.  I still cry for her.  My eyes are tearing up even as I type this.  

So.  Was Lisa right?  I would have to say Yes.  As a better person, I CAN be a better parent.  And I'm trying to be that.  The road is hard.  So very hard.  Harder still when I rarely see my Daughter.  I'm especially afraid when she says something that I KNOW came from her grandmother.  MIL.  

My life is a work in progress, and will continue to be one until that day, many years from now, God willing, that I see Lisa again.

I have more to say on the subject of Lisa, but I'll wait until the anniversary of her death to do it.  After all, that's coming very soon as well.  

The Final Picture I took of Lisa.  One Year Ago.

Random Thoughts at the Start of September

1.  I'm trying a different format for this entry.

2.  I blatantly stole it from my very talented friend Katie R.

3.  With her permission.

4.  Yes, really.

5.  Labor day has passed and with it two anniversaries.

6.  A year ago on August 28, I was thrown out of MIL's House and that same day I was elected into Vanity Club.

7.  I'd be lying if I said that the anniversary didn't affect me.

8.  A LOT

9.  Like Darkness wise.

10.  A few weeks ago, a local teen transman threw himself in front of a train.

11.  That started to look very attractive.

12.  Beats a shotgun.  I don't own one.

13.  In any case, I kept thinking about my daughter.

14.  I think my not living with her and her mother has done some damage, and I want to see her grow to be a woman.

15.  So I'm still here.  Really.  This isn't a ghost typing.

16.  Or is it?

17.  SCC is this week.  I can't afford to be there.

18.  I wish I could.

19.  Maybe it's for the best.  SCC was the last place I saw Lisa Empanada alive.

20.  Yes I'm thinking a lot about her these days.

21.  My birthday is coming up.  It will be my first as my true self.

22.  I've invited many of my cis-friends to join me at Laptop Lounge (which early this month.)

23.  Laptop is early because a Jen Bryant Raven party is on the third Saturday- the 20th.

24.  It's then because there was a conflicting event at the Raven on the 13th.

25.  That conflict is NOT my birthday, even if it's on my birthday.

26.  I'll be 48.

27.  Anyway, the idea is for both sides of my life to interact and meet and maybe have some fun.

28.  Oh, and to get people to LL because Angela wasn't sure about how a re-schedule would go over.

29.  I try to help my friends.

30.  I will also be at the Raven Party on the 20th.

31.  Sandy Empanada and Ally will be there.  As will Hayden.  And many more of my friends

32.  And maybe some friends I haven't met yet.

33.  It's a hot day here today.  And humid.

34.  Summer's almost gone, but not quite.

35.  I mean, Penn State has already played a game!

36.  In Ireland!  And they won!

37.  Go Penn State!

38.  If money is available, I intend to go up to PSU before Christmas, if only for a day.

39.  I'm still struggling to make rent every month.

40.  Linda and I need a roommate to share expenses.

41.  No luck finding one yet.

42:  The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

43.  I never read that book.

44.  Hey my geek cred comes from reading comics and working in the gaming industry.

45.  I worked for 13 years in the hobby games industry.

46.  I did freelance editing for TSR (Dungeons and Dragons), worked at a games distributor, and spent nine years at Games Workshop.

47.  But I still never read Douglas Adams

48.  I'll be 48 this year (didn't I mention that?)

49.  I read Tolkein though.

50.  I only read the first book of Game of Thrones.  I was forced to by a boss at the aforementioned GW.  And he spoiled the ending of the book for me.  So I never read another,

51.  That was 13 years ago.

52.  In any case, this has gone on long enough.

53.  Be Well!

54. Obligatory Picture