Men of the Skull Interlude VIII: Raven Angel

 Another book chapter which began as blog entries.

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Interlude VIII: Raven Angel

Saturday, January 14, 2012 Obama Bid to Cut the Government Tests Congress

Then came a late "New Years Eve Party" at the Raven in New Hope.  This was hosted by my friends Jen Bryant and Victoria.  They'd done these big parties there before, but I didn't attend.  In fact, I'd never been to the Raven before.  I hadn't planned on going, but suddenly I had the opportunity, so I took it.  I didn’t realize that I’d meet someone who would change, no: define, my life that night

So that day I went up to Amanda Richards to get my makeup done.  After all, they were expecting maybe a hundred girls there so I wanted to look my best!  I wore my favorite LBD and a little... help.  My friend Linda Lewis told me about a way to get the best cleavage from what the prosthetic breasts I had: the Miraculous bra by Victoria’s Secret.  It would give me great cleavage AND increase my size by 2 cups (making me an E cup).  So that was my “secret weapon” going in.  For my first time there, I wanted to turn heads!

I arrived after a ninety-minute drive from Amanda's.  The bar was beautiful!  Carved wood and stained glass.  Several T-girls were there already, and I fell into conversation.

At dinner, I sat with my friend Victoria…

Suddenly a woman plopped into the empty chair beside me, as if she’d stepped in from a brighter, glossier world.  She was polished in every detail: a sleek chin-length blonde bob held by a sparkling double headband, makeup done in that effortless evening style that made her eyes seem larger, her smile warmer.  She wore a strapless metallic dress—white, gold, and silver, and a black shrug with a small brooch framed her shoulders.  Even her jewelry felt intentional, a quiet shimmer of gold at her neck, wrist, and ears.

Lisa and me, that night.

The effect was unmistakable: confident, stylish, utterly feminine.

Wow- this woman was everything I wanted to be.

She was drinking Miller lite straight from the bottle.  She looked at me and said "those bitches at the bar think drinking beer from a bottle isn't feminine.  Well, this is what I say to that!"  And she chugged one down.

She finished, looked at me and smiled.

“Oh, I like you!” I said. 

She introduced herself: Lisa Empanada from Baltimore.  As I’d previously lived there, we bonded over that, and she had a similar warped sense of humor.  Talking to her was like talking to someone I’d known forever.

I didn't drink much as the road home was one favored for drunk driving checkpoints, and I don't think walking the straight line would've possible in heels, sober or not! 

Oh-the bra was a hit.  Success!

Then, after dinner, the music started.   Lisa went to dance, but I didn’t. 

I won't say it was loud, but my fillings rattled out of my teeth.  So, I went into a “quieter” side room, where twenty some guys were sitting around a grand piano singing show tunes: extremely well. 

I left around 11, but not before saying goodbye to Lisa, who was owning the dance floor.  My cover story to my wife was I was at work, so I needed to be cleaned up and home by 1:30ish. 

But I was thirsty.  Two doors down from the Raven was a Wawa (mini market chain around Pennsylvania).  I drove over and just walked in like it was nothing.  “Walk in like you belong there” as I’d been told.  Mind you, I'm dressed to party: low cut dress, high heels, dramatic make-up.  No one even blinked.  No one accosted me for being a “guy in a dress.”    

No one cared.

Wow.  I'd actually gone into a store with no issue.  What was I so afraid of?  Granted, it was in "friendly" New Hope, but it was still an achievement for me- a first.

Drove back to the hotel, cleaned up, and was home at 1:30 on the nose.

So began my relationship with Lisa.  We talked a LOT as we moved forward through our lives.  She would come up to Pennsylvania for Laptop Lounge, and I visited her in Baltimore.  We would hug and laugh when we were together.  It wasn't until later that we cried.  Lisa became a Sister to me: close as blood.  Closer.  We talked about everything and anything.  Finished each other’s sentences. 

And laughed.  Oh, how we laughed.

That night at the Raven didn’t just give me a new friend.  It gave me insight: a glimpse of the woman I might become.  I didn’t dare have the words for it then, not really.  But something in me shifted—quietly, decisively.  The next months would take that spark and turn it into motion, and by the end of the year I would begin changing in ways I had once only whispered to myself in the dark.

 

Monday, December 10, 2012  Justices Weigh Race as Factor at Universities

It was another rainy, cold day in Philly, but for me, it was a great one.  A significant one.

 On December 10, I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

Me- on Estrogen.  Becoming a woman in body as well as mind:  A dream come true.  Lisa had begun her hormones just days before me. It felt fitting, the two of us stepping into our futures side by side, even from different cities.

That morning, my "big sister" Mel picked me up extra early, as my appointment was at 9 am, and traffic into Philly is always brutal.  She drove because my license was still suspended from a post Laptop DUI back in August.  We arrived down at the Mazzoni center area at 7:30. As Mel knows the area well, she led me to a really nice coffee shop she likes.  I had diet coke.  We sat and talked for a bit about current events, and about the future.

At 9 AM, I checked in at the Mazzoni Center for my 9:15 appointment.  Within minutes, I was in a small examination room, waiting for Dr. Goodman.  They are quite efficient there.

Dr. Goodman came in and asked me a few questions.  He went over the possible risks of HRT and asked if I understood them.  I signed consent forms.  He emailed my prescription to the Walgreens next door.  I normally don't use Walgreens, but this one gets all drugs at a discount, and by me paying normal price, the difference goes to help pay for others who don't have insurance.

So by paying normal price, I get to help others.  Win-win.

After picking up the drugs, Mel drove us out of the city.  After lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen in King of Prussia mall, she drove me home, where I read the information that came with the drugs:  Estrodiol and an androgen blocker: Spironolactone.

I sat at my computer, and, after doing a little online research into the drugs as well, I opened the bottles and put the prescribed dose in my hand.  The pills were tiny.  One blue, one white.  Blue and White.  How appropriate for a Penn State gal. 

Then, I downed the pills with water.  And like that, my future quietly began.  The dosage was low.  This is just to see if my body can handle it. 

Then the next day it was back to the hell of retail during the holidays

HRT.  A new dawn.

 

 

The Raven closed in October 2019.  It's now a parking lot.

 

Even the small dose of estrogen started causing changes before switching to the full dose a month later.  My skin was softening.  My temper calming.  And, behind my nipples, breasts began to bud.

 

Tradition and a Raven

Wife and I have a tradition that we started the first year we were married, way back in 1994.  Easter was approaching, and we found The Ten Commandments on TV.  Near the beginning.  So we decided to watch it on our TV screen smaller than the monitor I'm looking at now. And watched... and watched... through commercials... until midnight.  We both had early wake up times the next day, and hadn't expected the movie to last five hours, but it did with commercials.

But we both loved it.  And the next year we bought a copy on VHS so we didn't get commercials.  And so it went as the years passed.  Every Easter week/weekend, we would watch the movie.  Eventually we upgraded to DVD.

Wife and I have been separated for nearly two years. including two Easters.  But the one tradition we managed to keep when all others have withered away has been that one.  And last week, MIL went away for a few days, which allowed me to see my daughter, my dog, and watch the movie with Wife.  We broke it up over two nights, both after I was finished work.  Daughter wasn't into the movie, but we watched it.  And yes, I was there as Sophie.

My 15 year old dog, Nittany

As we watched, we told many of the same jokes as we watched it that we've developed over the years.  It was like nothing had changed.  But it had.  I'm a woman now.  And we weren't living together.

But I'm very glad we could keep at least one tradition alive.  And maybe someday Daughter will join in as well.


The day after we finished watching the movie, I was in New Hope with my roomie, Linda Lewis.  The occasion was Raven 28.  I've talked about the Raven gatherings in previous entries.  They were started by the beautiful Jen Bryant who hosted them through number 27.  But now Jen is out and full time,.  Her work and boyfriend are taking up a lot of her time and she was ready to move on.  And so she did.

Jen Moves on.  Pic courtesy Jennifer Bryant

But she didn't want the tradition to die.  You see, TGs up and down the Eastern seaboard attend this event.  For many, this is the biggest event on their calendar.  For some, this is the only time they can be en femme.  So Jen passed the baton to Jane Reynolds.  Yes, the same Jane who I helped on her first night out a couple of years ago.  She is now full time as well, and has the responsibility of running this huge event.

Linda and I both wanted to show our support to Jane, so we headed to New Hope for the day.  We walked around downtown for a bit before stopping at Havana for lunch.  The time before when we visited there, the food and service were good.  Not this time.  The burgers were way undercooked, and they took a long time to arrive.  Linda and I were underwhelmed to say the least.

From there we went to the Raven Cub room.  On our way we bumped into Jane, who took a picture of us crossing the parking lot.  We then went to the Cub room where I bumped into many others including the gorgeous Valentina.  I don't see her often so it's always a treat.  Kristyn King took many pictures, as did several others.

In the Cub Room with Marie Lamonte, Linda Lewis, Valentina Torrelli

From there a quick stop in Jane's hotel room, as she invited us for a beer.  Then over to the Raven itself.  While we were there, Linda engaged two GG's in conversation about makeup (they admired hers) and suddenly we had new friends!  While we sat there, a TG named Michelle (I hope I got your name right) came over to me and told me how much she loves this blog.  As always I was very flattered.  She says she reads it regularly, so here you go!  Shout out to you!  :)

Linda had to work early the next morning, so we had to go early.  I missed seeing many people, including my dear sister Sandy Empanada.  But we had to get home.  I had to work as well, but not until 11 so I could sleep in.

I'm glad the Raven is in good hands.  I wasn't there to see if the whole thing went off without a hitch, but Jane seemed to have it under control.  I know it has to be difficult- even if Jen Bryant made it look so easy with her endless charm.

I hope everyone had a great time!


Random bitz:

This is the 302nd post in this blog.  If you count the 41 posts from my MySpace blogs, it's the 343rd.  For those of you who didn't know it, I have an older set of blogs:  The Myspace Blogs.  These were done on Myspace (duh) and documented the early part of my journey.  I started writing them directly after my first time out as Sophie.  So if you want to see how I've changed, have a look at them.  For those who care, you can also track how my writing style has changed over time.  And how my look has changed, etc.

Have a look!  Comment!

Raven's 21... but I'm Not Anymore

This past weekend in New Hope, PA was another of Jen Bryant's Raven parties.  In fact it was the 21st, and there were the requisite jokes about it being legal and all that.

Ha ha hee hee ho ho.

Red Carpet at Raven 21

Jen Bryant has really become the beautiful "face" of the Philly transwoman.  She's an ad executive whose transition has been covered in newspapers.  And she's been a force in the community for some time, joining Angela Gardner in picking up where Sandy Martin left off in arraigning safe events for the greater metropolitan trans community to gather.  And Philly has a rather large trans community.  Someday I keep telling myself I'll write an article about the Philly trans scene from the perspective of a transperson (as a few have been written by cisgender writers.)  But I digress.

The weekend featured the usual events- the gathering at the Ramada on Friday night, lunch and shopping during Saturday, then the red carpet and dinner at the Raven, followed by the party.  Linda Lewis and I attended the Ramada thing then the red carpet and dinner.  We dined with Sandy Empanada, Ally Raymond, Hayden, Veronica, Karen Kendra Holmes, Kira Morgan, and John.  A wonderful time was had by all.  For the record, Linda had Chicken Awesome while I had Chicken Mediocre.

Veronica, Ally, Me (slouching), Karen, Linda

But the basis of this entry happened later.  Dancing had started.  I'd had a wonderful conversation with two lesbian women about the meaning of womanhood, and about how singing brings people together.  (This happened in the Raven's piano bar.)  I walked out to my car to drop something off, when I encountered someone I knew.  She went elsewhere for dinner with friends, and was quite drunk.  She was belligerent, in my face and just annoying.  And in her, I saw myself as I was.

I saw Lance.

And I felt ashamed.

For so many many years I saw alcohol as a refuge.  I KNEW I could out-drink anyone, and used that to prove my manhood.  And when I got drunk, I became an asshole... just like this person was.

Don't get me wrong.  I know this person, and she's normally very even tempered and pleasant.  She's just started her journey towards full time after a few false stops.  She's a good person.  But drunk?

And I wondered how many people in our community thought that of me.

You see, my alcohol intake has decreased sharply.  I just don't want it any more.  I hate the feeling of losing control that I craved before.  I hate the sickness in the stomach.  And I'm sick to death of hangovers.  Since my DUI a few years ago, I have REALLY cut back.  And I thank God for that.

I drank a bit after Lisa died, but I learned that alcohol was no longer the hiding place that it once was for me.  It was a broken crutch.  I needed to Grow Up and face my demons.  And in many ways I have- by admitting to myself and the world my True Self.  And by walking through the Darkness back to the Light.

By seeing my drinking for what it was.

I drank a LOT in college.  And I was proud of it.  Not long ago, after I came out to an old friend, she said that I'd developed a reputation in recent years as a Drunk.  And I couldn't refute that.

What could I say?  She was right.

I'm not 21 years old anymore.  I'm 48.  And I'm no longer pretending to be a male anymore.  I am a Woman.

 At Dinner

Growing up takes many steps and a LOT of time.  I will never fully grow up.  A favorite song of mine by Marillion stated that "Without direction, there is no Childhood's End."  And now I HAVE direction.  I have found that which I never had:  Myself.  Sophie.

And I'm no longer ashamed.

I no longer find shame in being a Woman.  While I still have secrets, and always will, the Big One is out now for all to see.  I am not ashamed to say I am Trans.

Some may still find my behavior shameful or even shameless.  It used to be I'd make no apologies.  But I'm tired of being the Asshole.  I saw myself in that parking lot in the Raven (and I bumped into her a few times inside as well) and didn't like what I saw.  But at 48, I can say that I can change... and HAVE changed.  The angry young man has been replaced...

By a Woman at Peace.

Ringing

I rang in 2014 among Friends.

Linda, me, Sandy, Jake, Hayden

I spent the last hours of 2013, then the first hour of 2014 at the Raven in New Hope, PA.  And, believe it or not, I didn't drink.

Really.  I swear.

I don't go out for New Years anymore.  As the ancient saying goes it's "Amateur night in Dixie." Every moron would be out on the roads driving drunk, and every cop on the payroll would be out waiting for them. 

I really didn't need the hassle or danger.  Been there; Done that.

But Sandy Empanada was coming north to go to the Raven.  And Linda Lewis was in town.  She is temporarily living in the same house as I am as she awaits her place in Florida to open.  She was willing to go out, and I wanted to introduce her around to the Trans Community.  That's one thing she didn't have in Saginaw, Michigan: a Community.  

I wanted to be there for Sandy.  So I went.  I asked Linda to do my makeup and hair, as I screwed up the chance I had at SCC.  And she generously agreed.  She taught me some techniques I never knew and a different way to do my wig.  She teased it up a bit- a bit more than my usual look, but it looked great!

And I received so many compliments all night.  

The Raven was crowded- not as crowded as during a Jen Bryant party, but still crowded.  Linda met many people of the Philly Trans scene.  And she danced the night away.  My knee still hurt from a bone bruise suffered in a work place accident a couple of weeks before, so I didn't dance much.

The clock counted down to the New Year and I almost cried.  (I discussed why here.)  But Time is unstopping and unstoppable.  It is now 2014.  

I hung around until the 1 AM buffet and sat with Sandy, Hayden, and others eating finger hoagies that were simply amazing.

Eventually the night was ending.  I was a little worried about the trip.  The night was VERY cold and I worried not only about the drunks, but also about ice.  But, with Linda happily tipsy in the passenger seat, we arrived back at the house without incident.

With Linda near the end of the Night

I down loaded the pictures from my camera and fell asleep after 3 AM.

Several of the ladies at the Raven discussed Resolutions.  I wrote once on TG Forum that I try to avoid resolutions.  But I made one last year, over Lisa's coffin, and let that be my 2014 Resolution.  I WILL be the Woman I was born to be.  This is the year I go Full time.  This year will be either a monumental success or a spectacular failure.  I can't see much in between, really.


But there's another component.  I'm remaking my entire life.  Completely.  So why not try to re-make my attitude as well.  My Dream is coming true- I will live my Truth.  So there's no need to be so pessimistic.  If I am Living my Dream, then I shall do so Happily... and positively.

Tall Order.

But I think I can do it.  it will be hard to change a lifetime of attitude, but if I can change my entire body, I can change my mind.  Right?

So welcome, 2014.  May you be a year that more than my Dreams come true, but many others' dreams as well!

Casual Look.  I did my own makeup

Tactical Error

Last week, I stayed with Wife, Daughter, and my dog at MIL's place.

Yes.

You see, MIL went to her youngest son's home to babysit his children as he and his wife were away at a conference.  So Wife invited me to stay there for the week.  I wanted to see her, my Daughter, and my dog, so I didn't think twice.  I went there. 

I see now, that doing so was a major mistake.

Why?

I loved getting back from work and hearing my daughter shout "Daddy!  Daddy! Daddy!"  I loved listening to her read. 

I even enjoyed getting my dog's snout in my face at 3 AM (her subtle way of saying "let me outside NOW!") 

It was almost like I never left... almost.

But I DID leave.  Involuntarily.  And I couldn't forget that.  Always in my mind was that I was there without MIL's knowledge.  That she would want me out.

But most important is how my daughter reacted.  She said "Daddy's back!" many times.  And I told her I was just visiting.  But she wasn't listening.

And now that visit is over.  MIL is back at her home.  I don't think Daughter realizes I'm out again.  So what will happen when she does? 

Heartbreak.

And THAT is where Wife and I made the big mistake.

Daughter needs stability, and my coming and going like that is NOT providing that stability.

So I won't be doing that again, as much as that hurts. 

There was another reason the week went... well, not so easily.  It was Me.  When I get back to my room at M's, I change into my femme clothes.  I am my true self.  I do the mundane things:  laundry, make my dinner, etc, as a woman.  I couldn't do that last week.  And it really really hurt.

The truth is that I've moved beyond that part of my life- the "Sophie only once in a while part."

So, obviously, Wife and I need to talk, and soon.  We have to tell Daughter WHY I'm no longer there.  The Whole Truth.

I don't envy Wife's position Tuesday night.  6 year olds aren't known to keep secrets.  So she will tell her grandmother "Daddy was here!"  And she would take it out on Wife. 

My mood plummeted during the week.  It was around Wednesday that I began to realize my mistake, and the usual old subconscious voice kicked into gear. 

"Loser!  Idiot! How stupid can you be?  How much more do you want to hurt your Daughter?"  And so on.

Cue tailspin.

My mood was at rock bottom by Friday, when I received a pleasant surprise.  My friend Rachael from Baltimore was coming up for a post GCS checkup, and with her was fellow VC sister and blogger Tammy Matthews from North Carolina!  I'd never met her in person, but we'd been facialbook friends, etc, forever.

After they finished their respective appointments, I met them for lunch at Rock Bottom.  I was in drab.  After lunch, they went off to explore the King of Prussia Mall and I went back to M's place to change.  I was meeting Angela Gardner (of Laptop Lounge and TG Forum) for drinks and to talk a little business and I NEEDED to be me after a week of NOT expressing as a woman. 

That's when Rachael called and asked what I was doing.  I'd just finished with my makeup.  So I invited them to M's, and from there all three of us went to meet Angela at the Black Powder Tavern.  We all had a wonderful time.  I drove, since I know the roads here and they don't.

While at the bar, Tammy lamented not having had a cheesesteak while here.  So, Angela recommended a nearby place for a cheesesteak, and I told her about how to order a cheesesteak properly.  In fact, I even called them, imitating her accent! (Badly)

Before ordering, Rachael, Tammy and I went to McKenzies as well.  Tammy wanted to add to her collection of Facialbook check-ins.  Oh, and to try their beer, as it's a brewpub.

Tammy, Me, Rachael at McKenzies

Then we did the cheesesteak thing.

And so both she and Rachael had proper cheesesteaks: provolone wit' on an Amoroso roll.  As God intended it!  ;) 

Oh, for you non- Philly people, that means a cheesesteak having provolone cheese and fried onions.

In any case, they enjoyed their cheesesteaks and hit the road south.  And I hung around at M's. 

The next night was Raven 17: one of Jen Bryant's mega parties!  Lisa's widow Sandy and her daughter Tiffany were going to be there, as well as many others, so I wanted to go!  And so I did.  Besides, there was something I needed to do there as well.

Also, my friend Jane said I could room with her and her wife. 

It was a special event, and I wanted to look special, so I went to see Amanda Richards at True Colors.  She did her usual amazing job.  Sandy asked me to wear something of Lisa's, so I wore a top that was hers, and her butterfly ring.  I also wore the memorial necklace. 

I drove to New Hope through the darkness, looking for deer as it's rutting season, and they jump out of nowhere.

Me on the Red Carpet

I arrived in time for the Red Carpet photo session, which I'd never attended.  I was thrilled to get my picture taken with Jen Bryant, with Sandy and Tiffany, and with several others, including my gorgeous friend Victoria.  Someone gave Sandy a plate that had Lisa's face etched into it.

With Victoria

After the pictures, I met a woman who had never been out before- ever: Maureen.  She was very nice and I introduced her to a few people.  She looked wonderful and she was so happy she glowed!

Then it was time for dinner!

Jake, Sandy, Tiffany, Hayden, Me

I sat with Sandy, Tiffany, Hayden, Sandy's uncle Jake, and another girl: Jamie.  She was very nice.  We had a corner table with windows on two sides.  On the table were flowers addressed to Jen Bryant.  It was the best table in the house, and management assumed that she would sit there.  But we did.  I wonder if Jen had something to do with that.  When Jen was eventually seated elsewhere, I brought the flowers to her.

Jamie and I

A week before was Sandy's birthday.  So I decided that it should be celebrated.  I told the waiter it was her birthday that night.  When Sandy went for a smoke, I told the rest of the table.  they fanned out and told the rest of the dining room.

See, that night, Sandy was like a celebrity.  Everyone knew who she was, and everyone wanted to pay their respects and give their condolences.  She had to know that would happen, and yet she came to the Raven yesterday.  She is an amazingly strong woman.

So when it was time for dessert, I saw the waiter coming with the cake, trying to light the candle.  Sandy didn't see him, as her back was to the kitchen area.  I stood and projecting my voice as best I could, said that we had a special guest and it was her birthday.  I asked them all to join in singing Happy Birthday.  And they did.  

Happy Birthday Sandy!

So many feminine people- so many deep voices.  The juxtaposition was not lost on me.  Sandy turned 35 shades of red.  She swore vengeance.  I'm sure she'll forget.

After dinner was drinks and dancing until the wee hours.  Above the dance floor were several TV screens which showed pictures from the night before.  At the end of the loop was a picture of Lisa, and the words "RIP Lisa.  We miss you."  

Of course, cameras were everywhere.

Sophie Photo bomb!

Eventually, I had enough for the night, and Jane, her wife, and I went to Wawa.  Then back to the room, where I quickly fell asleep.  Wearing my makeup.  Again.

The next morning, I readjusted my makeup and headed out.  First I stopped over at the Raven.  It was a beautiful late autumn morning.  I selected a suitable tree, and did the errand I promised for Sandy.  With me, I had a small bag of Lisa's ashes.  I spread some of them at the base of the tree, so part of Lisa would always be at the Raven.  And her ashes would nurture the tree. 

I stopped again at the Wawa for some diet coke and Gatorade.  Outside, at the intersection, was a Penn State girl collecting for Thon.  To keep warm, she practiced cheerleading routines.  I donated.  And I thought about how she takes being a woman for granted- it just IS for her.  I envy her.

I drove back to M's and showered.  The weekend was over.  I spent that night at MIL's with Wife, daughter and dog, but not Monday night.  But by then the damage had been done though.

It's now Friday.  I haven't heard of the fallout yet, but I will today.  Lesson learned.

This path is not going to get any easier.  I have to balance my Truth with what is best for my daughter.  In our last conversation, Lisa said that the only way to be a good parent to Daughter was to first be true to myself.  Only she never said How.  Finding that out is my major challenge.  I'm determined to give my Daughter the best life possible- better by far than mine. 

To date, I have failed to do so in many ways.

That said, I've done more for her than my father ever did, emotionally.  He never said he loved me.  I tell her that every day I see her. 

Her father is a Woman.  Maybe, just maybe, that will help.

 

A New Chapter

"It was amazing.  It was literally life changing.  For the first time ever going out, I didn't think of myself as a freak, outcast, or even as transgender.  I thought of myself as a woman like any other.  And in fact, most of the time I didn't think of it at all, I just was."
Text to Lisa E., Sun May 5, 2013.

And it was.

Early last week, I determined that I couldn't wait three weeks to be Me again.  So, as I had off from both jobs on Saturday, I decided to figure out a way to go out as me.  As the week slowly plodded by, I decided that I'd get my makeup done and go to Laptop Lounge that night.

All Amanda Richards had open was earlier or later.  I chose earlier.  Noon in fact.  That meant having the whole day as Sophie. 


My friend Hayden came in from Harrisburg, and I picked him up at the train station around 3:30.  From there we went to the motel where we were splitting a room (strictly platonic), then off to New Hope!

Hayden had never been to New Hope, and I'd never been there during the day as Sophie.

At New Hope, PA, by the Delaware River

We arrived to an amazingly crowded scene.  Saturday was a gorgeous spring day, and everyone was out enjoying it.  One woman walked in front of my car, and was pulled back by her boyfriend who then shouted at me.  I literally couldn't see them for the crowds.  I apologized... I mean what else could I do?  No one was hurt.  I was a little rattled though.

We searched around for a place called Havana which was recommended by Jen Bryant (who we invited to join us, but couldn't make it.)  It was packed at that place so we stopped at Karla's.  We found a nice corner seat and enjoyed a good dinner.

...and the dressing on the side!

After dinner, we walked about for a while, then went to the Raven for a quick drink (as he'd never been there either.)  There I saw Holly from Asbury Park, NJ.  I'd met her at one of Jen Bryant's Raven parties, but couldn't remember her name.  *embarrassed*


After that, we stopped at Blue Pacific in the King of Prussia Mall to say "Hi" to Andy.

That's a lot of places.

 And not once did I feel out of place.  Yes, New Hope is a "safe area" but King of Prussia Mall?

As I wrote to Lisa, it was so totally different.  For many reasons... but it comes down to something trivial.  Doesn't it always?

As I've mentioned many times, I have Scots blood.  My mother was a Scots national.  So due to that genetic marker, I am a wookie.  Very hairy.  Thanks to laser and electrolysis I'm sorting this out.  And I'm been shaving my legs, arm pits, and upper chest for years. Oh, and I keep things tidy down south as well.   My Wife helps me by applying Nair to my back occasionally (she hates back hair too.)

But there's one area I never touched... my stomach.  I mean, it's always under my top or my corset so why bother?

Well, now my breasts are noticeably growing, and looking down I see them... and Hair. 

So Friday night and Saturday morning, using Nair, shaving, weed whacker, and machete, I cleaned off the belly hair.  I haven't been this bare since I was maybe 18.

And I looked down and saw... skin.  Soft skin. 

And that made me feel so feminine, and that carried through the whole day.  Also, during the day I wasn't wearing a corset.  The only padding of any kind were breast forms.  So it was just me, really.  That added so much to it as well.

After the Blue Pacific visit, we went to the motel room, and while Hayden showered, I changed and adjusted my makeup to more of a "night look."

Then we walked over to Winberies for Angela's Laptop Lounge. 

Hayden and I at Laptop.  Photo courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge

The turnout was good.  I saw some dear friends, including my "Big Sis" Mel.  I met someone named Jane Air, who contacted me earlier about attending.  It was her first time anywhere ever.  I introduced her around.  She was so nice, and very pretty.  (Why is it all the "new girls" look SO much better than I did/do?)

A couple of times during the evening, I went outside to gather my thoughts.  On both occasions my dear friend Alexis was outside smoking, and called over to me asking if I was ok.  I was touched by her concern.  I was fine.  Well, actually I felt a little tipsy, but I needed to get my head around all that had already happened that day.  The second time out, I leaned against a tree next to the parking lot, and prayed.  Yes, prayed.  I asked for guidance.

Later, after Mel left, I decided to call it a night as well.  My feet hurt just a little, so I removed my shoes and walked across the parking lot barefoot.  Warm weather is great for that!  Hayden, ever the gentleman, walked me back.


Hayden was in the bathroom brushing his teeth as I changed back.  My normal routine was always nails first, then lashes, then wig, then everything else.  Not that night.  I first stripped off my blouse, corset (which I put on for the night), skirt, removed my breasts forms and my bra.  I removed the tape from my chest.  I stood all but naked, still wearing my wig and made up. 

No pads.  Just me.

I saw the nearly Nude Woman looking back at me.  I looked at her hairless body, and her small but noticeable breasts, and her soft skin. 

I started to cry tears of happiness.

I kept whispering to myself.  "It's a Dream come true.  It's a Dream come true."

I caressed my body, and she did the same.  Her blue eyes sparkled with happiness as tears ran down her cheeks.  Her smile was so genuine.

I've crossed a boundary between what Was and what Will Be.  My drab self is disappearing.  My body is becoming what it always should have been.

Will I ever be a perfect woman?  Hell no.  Will I pass as a woman?  Maybe.  But Saturday night in a cheap motel room looking into a mirror, none of that mattered.  I think I really SAW myself for the first time in 46 years.  No pads.  No prosthetics.  Just Me.

My life as I knew it is over. 

The Journey enters a New Chapter.

What a Day it Was!