Summer's Stretch and Sixty One

Summer enters its final stretch here in August, and soon the students will return to State College as an unstoppable wave of energy, curiosity, and lust.  I remember when I was an undergrad I couldn't wait to get back up here- away from parents and their rules and back on my own where the possibilities and parties were endless.

Today I'm really not thinking of that though.  Today marks my dearest sister Lisa's 61st birthday.  Nine years ago, this day was marked by a huge party in her sister's yard in Baltimore which was a combination of her 52nd birthday and "coming out" party.  I was one of the lucky few to be invited, and it was one of the most fun days of my life.  

Me, Lisa, and Ally: August 3, 2013

As I wrote of that day:

I started walking toward the back yard and I saw Lisa.  She was dressed in a white floral dress, and holding a bouquet of flowers.  Absolutely angelic.  She saw our group coming and smiled broadly.  I would find out later that she was feeling extremely nervous until we arrived, and we were like cavalry coming to her rescue!  I can't blame her- that had to be so incredibly stressful meeting so many relatives as a Woman for the first time.

It was a long day- 18 hours and a LOT of driving. Also that day, I met a statuesque beauty who would become one of my dearest friends: Ally.  

Special people and special memories.  Bittersweet.  Lisa is still 52, and always will be.  As those who have read this blog more than a little know what happened.  Lisa committed suicide a little more than a month later.  She deprived the world of her incredible light, and the privilege of watching her and Sandy grow old together.  I think of them both today, as I do every day.  

And so, this last chapter of summer (so to speak) is hot, humid, and haunted.  The hot weather now continues into November, so it's like we skip autumn chill and go into a short winter before summer begins again.  (Spring and fall were cancelled to bring higher profits to oil companies.)  In any case, today I reflect on what was, who she was, what could have been, what is, who I am, and what now?  No matter what, I hope that wherever she is, I'm making Lisa proud.

Happy birthday Lisa!  I will always love and miss you.    

SAGa of the Sports Bra

My "Big Sister" Mel has been on me quite a while to join a gym.  I was a member of Ballys for MANY years, but I hadn't gone in over a decade.  I can't say it helped much.  When I lived in Baltimore, I even attended aerobic classes for a while.  My two coworkers and I were the only males (well I appeared to be one) in the class, and received many evil eyes.

Back then, my workout clothes were shorts or sweatpants and an old t-shirt.   Pretty simple and easy.

Plus Plus Sized

Things are VERY different now.

So, at Mel's insistence, and my own need to drop a LOT of weight, I joined the local Planet Fitness.  I haven't gone yet.  The several feet of snow outside are quite a deterrent.

But there was another small hurdle.  Since the last time I'd been to a gym, I have changed a bit.  The most obvious changes hang on my chest.  Breasts.  And just a t-shirt will no longer do in public.

I needed a Sports Bra.

Simple enough, right?

Well, I'd never worn one before.  And had no idea what to look for in a sports bra.  I figured something to hold the Girls in place and hopefully make them look good in the process.  So I did what any reasonable girl would: I asked my friends on Facialbook about it.  Both facialbooks (one is my old "male" FB, which is family and old friends for the most part) had a lot of suggestions.

I was given ideas on what to look for, as well as where to shop.  The suggestions came from women of many different body types from skinny to voluptuous.  As I am rather stout and my girls are big, I needed a lot of support.

So, with all that in mind, I went shopping after work on Thursday night.  I went to the huge King of Prussia Mall, which is near the bookstore.  I figured I'd just bounce around there, looking for the bra.

I parked on the back side of the mall, near where my Fridays used to be.  From there, I walked into a very large sporting goods store.  Yes, it was a big Dick's.  I figured I couldn't go wrong with a big Dick's, right?

I have trained many salespeople in my day, and rule number one is always to acknowledge the customer.  Make her happy.  The customer comes first, right Dick's?  Wrong.  I was in there for twenty minutes, and, while I saw many employees, none offered to help me.  That's right, Dick's blew me off.

And besides, the largest sports bra I could find was (L).  I'm (XXL).  I guess this Dick's only likes skinnier girls.

And so, I Strapped on my courage, and walked off into the mall.  The first stop was a total Bust.

My second stop was Lane Bryant.  They cater to big girls like me.  The salesperson who greeted me was a very pleasant college girl who was at least an inch taller than me and was very beautiful.  She showed me their sports bras and I even tried a couple on. I looked around the store a bit, and also spoke to the other salesperson there.  Both were really nice and good at their jobs- giving me lots of Support.  But, alas, they didn't have my size in stock, so rather than Plunge into a bra that didn't fit, I decided to check another place.

My next stop was Victorias Secret.  I knew that the largest they had in stock was a 38 (I'm a 40), but I figured, the bra had to be tight anyway, so why not?

So I went in and was greeted rather quickly by a skinny gorgeous young woman.  I told her what I wanted, and she insisted I get a fitting... despite the fact that the very last time I'd walked into this store, I'd had one.  Ok, whatever.

So she took me to the fitting rooms, and I was introduced to a Bra Stylist.  She measured me and went to get some sports bras to try.  Now, I was wearing a dress, having just come from work, so when I tried these on, I was just in bra and panties.  And, um, I hadn't shaved my upper legs.  And I was wearing Grannies.  So the person came to check on me and I was frightfully embarrassed.  So much so that I'd begun to sweat.  Ick.  And the one bra had a broken zipper.

So the next couple of bras were brought in by another girl, this one a gorgeous blonde.  She smirked a bit.  And a third group was brought by yet another person.  By then, I'd had enough.  I found one I liked (38 DDD).  I have to say though, I really thought the girls must've been laughing at me, and that's why they kept sending new ones in: "hey you have to see THIS!"  If nothing else, I definitely felt judged.  I felt like a total boob.

But as the bra I selected fit well, and I thought looked great, I bought one.

Supportive

After all, it was getting late, so I was getting in just Under the Wire.

I thought about my trip as I walked in the mall back to my car.  the salespeople at Lane Bryant had been so friendly that I wanted to buy SOMETHING there.  A teddy caught my eye earlier, so I decided to price it.  It was a fiery red with black trim, and they had my size.  And it was on sale!  I guess you could say it was a Demi-Annual sale.  Anyway, I went to the counter and bought it.  Yes, I was Hooked.  I spoke to the same two wonderful salespeople.  We started talking, and I told them where I worked.  they both started gushing- they both LOVE the bookstore and had wanted to work there.  Really?  Wow- they were both so good at what they did that I told them I'd put a word in for them.  (I haven't done it yet.  See: "Several Feet of Snow," above.)

I then went back to my car.  Tonight was my roomie and bestie Linda's turn to make dinner, so I headed back to the apartment.

The next night, SEPa was hit by a blizzard.  And I've been inside since.

So, I now have a sports bra, AND a teddy.  I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't go to the gym.  Aside from the snow outside.  A little later, I'll excavate my car from the mountain of snow in which it is entombed.  (Linda is outside shoveling out hers, and we only have one shovel.)

Oh, did I take any snow pictures during the blizzard?  Or of the teddy?

Of course!  I decided to get all dolled up and take many pictures.  Linda and I even made a video.

Baby, it's cold outside!

So here I am, snowed in on a Sunday.  I'm supposed to work tomorrow morning, so, as I said earlier, I have to go shovel out my car.

All in all, I had an interesting time shopping.  I wouldn't call it the Breast shopping experience I'd ever had, but I learned a bit and met some nice people.  All in all, an Uplifting experience!

Work appropriate?

PS:  Yes, I'm aware that as I lose weight, my boobs will get smaller.  So I may need to do this all over again someday.  But I'm not Deflated by that thought.  No, I'll just have a Cup (or two) of courage and go out again!

9/11/01 (Political)

Many people are posting what they were doing 14 years ago today.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I was driving to work at Games Workshop in Glen Burnie, MD, listening to Howard Stern. He was discussing a plane hitting the WTC when Gary (his producer) came in and reported that the second plane had hit. And there was a moment of silence... which on that show was very rare. Stern said we are under attack.

Me, working at GW, date indeterminate

I made it to work, and the place was shocked. Selling toy soldiers seemed so insignificant. I had paramedic training. I should be doing something... people were dying. I tried calling my Wife, but the phone lines were jammed. My boss at the time, a short marine wanna-be, was telling people "get back to work." I decided to take the day off. The radio said that the areas in NY and DC had been sealed off; to stay away. I made it home. I told Wife I was going to give blood. We found a nearby Red Cross center and there was a LONG line, which I got in. Our neighbors had come along as well, but they left when they saw the line. Wife left as well, saying she'd come back to get me.

While I was waiting, a local news crew interviewed some of the people in line. I was one of them, and my interview made it on the air.

I waited in line for 10 hours. Around 8 pm (I think) President Bush addressed the nation. The Red Cross set up a tv so we could all watch. I remember thinking "Ok, you stole the election, but that doesn't matter now. The country needs you: Lead us." And what did he tell us to do? "Go shopping."

When it was finally my turn, the phlebotomist was exhausted. She did her job efficiently. She told me she was going to stay until every last person who came that day was served. There were I think 6 phlebotomists there at that time. They were ALL staying.

I got home at 11 PM. Tired. Emotionally spent. I went to bed, and went to work in a different world the next morning. To sell Toy Soldiers.

There are some who call today "Patriot's Day."  I am not among them.  

Why?

After 9/11/01, the GOP commandeered the term "Patriot" to mean "Republicans/ Conservatives who think like the neo-cons and follow orders."  And the term was EVERYWHERE.  If you DARED disagree with the GOP war-mongering, you were branded a "traitor" or a "liberal" (same thing to them)  

That's why so many dems voted FOR the Iraq war.  They didn't dare vote against it, lest they lose all support.  Of course, the "So-called-liberal media" went along with this, hook line and sinker.  They beat the war drums harder than anyone else.  France didn't join the coalition, so once again we had "freedom fries."  Of course, the French were right not to send their children to be slaughtered.

By the time the Bush junta left office, the word "patriot" was indelibly stained in the blood of our troops and hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians who had done nothing, save for the fact that they were in the way of Halliburton's profits.

Oh, and the short Marine "wanna be?"  Did he go to war?  After all, he was a Navy Medic- a valuable military asset.  He was so very gung ho about the war... but refused to serve in it, despite still being in his early 30s.  "They don't need me" he would say.  I called him on it- called him a hypocrite and a coward.  

To this day, thinking people know that the word "Patriot" is a dog whistle meaning "intolerant extreme white wing Republican" who will not listen to anyone save their Fox News masters.

There are those who consider 9/11/01 to be an "inside job."  At first, I thought "no American would EVER do this to our own country."  But then the crimes of the Bush junta kept piling up.  The atrocities.  Torture.  Illegal war against a sovereign country for no reason.  People detained without access to counsel for YEARS.  People losing careers for speaking out- including the outing of a top secret CIA operative by the administration.    

So, when someone says "it was inside job" I don't dismiss it out of hand.  The Bush junta would've stooped to that level to get it's Patriot Act and wars, and subsequent jackpot to Halliburton.  So I'm not saying I agree with those theories, but I am willing to entertain the discussion, as I think the Bush junta were capable of such evil.  

So.  These are my thoughts on this, the 14th anniversary of tragedy.  I remember the days after that as being so very hard.  Everyone was numb and angry.  The next day, we had a minute of silence at the GW sales floor.  I asked to announce it.  And we were silent.  After the time, I quietly started to sing the National Anthem.  No one joined me, in fact, some gave me angry looks.  

After all, I'm a Liberal.

Embers: A Year Without Lisa Empanada

September 16, 2013 was a very dark day.  The sun rose and my dear sister Lisa Empanada awoke, knowing that she would not see the sunset.

She planned to kill herself that day.  And she did.

She started a paint compressor in the back of a filthy paint van, laid her head on a pillow, and let the fumes kill her.

Or rather Tom did.  I've discussed this before.

In any case, it was a year ago that she died.  And on September 17 is when her Wife, Sandy, and the rest of the world found out.  The body was found by a nearby homeowner.

I won't rehash these events.  They're hard enough to think of as it is.  I discuss them in detail here and here.

So much has changed in a Year, both in my life and in the world.  It's a year that Lisa didn't experience.

No one saw it coming.  In retrospect, all the signs were there.  But we chose not to see them.  You see, that was Lisa's genius- she had us all thinking she was Happy and that the Darkness had passed her by.  Even her therapist didn't see this coming.  Lisa knew we were watching.  And she knew we'd try to stop her again.

And she was determined that no one would this time.  She succeeded.  And her prize?  An urn on a shelf in her bedroom.  Scattered ashes.  Relics spread through her friends.

Embers after the Fire of her life.

This year has been brutal.  In many ways, I've become tougher, as I didn't have her to lean on for advice and to council me out of my own Darkness.  I am transitioning without her.

I can't help but wonder what she'd think about the flowers and balloons left at the site of her death.  What would she think of myself and other wearing her dresses on occasion?  What would she think of the small urn in which I keep part of her ashes on my shelf?  What would she have said when I finally went full time?

Sometimes I think I can hear her whispering in the back of my mind.  They are words of comfort and encouragement.  Is it really her or just echoes and fantasy?  I'll keep my answer to myself.

In a year, I've found a place to live.  Linda Lewis entered my life, and is an amazing friend.  She has been a mentor and co-conspirator.  She has seen me laugh and cry.  Just as Lisa did.  But, and this is no slight against Linda, she's not Lisa.

So.  A Year.  How did I mark it?  By spending the 16th and 17th with her widow Sandy Empanada.  I took off work to be with her in Baltimore.  But she wisely decided that she didn't want to be home on that date.  The house that Lisa completely re-did for her is reminder enough.  So she decided to take a week in Ocean City, Maryland.  And she invited a small group of friends to join her.

I drove down on Tuesday, Sept 16th.  And I cried a good part of the trip.  I wanted to get it out of my system, as I wanted to be strong for her.  I wouldn't be of any use, nor any fun, if I were a blubbering idiot.  I stopped to see my parents briefly.  Mum made me lunch.  After the visit, I headed to Ocean City, and found the Carousel Hotel.

There I waited in a cabana bar on the beach.  I met a couple there from Pittsburgh and we got to talking.  They bought me shots of Jamisons.  They burned going down and set me stomach afire.  Sandy arrived with the beautiful Veronica after the outdoor bar closed, and they met me at the inside bar.   We then had dinner at the hotel restaurant.

Sandy, Veronica, myself at the hotel bar.

What Sandy didn't know was that her daughter Tiffany was coming down to surprise her.  She was coordinating this with Veronica.  When the three of us went to the Greene Turtle across the street, she missed us by minutes.  She knew what our next destination would be, so she raced ahead of the bus we rode.  The bus ride was dominated by two very drunk women in their late forties hitting on some young guys.

We were walking along the boardwalk, when standing at the side was Tiffany!  Sandy looked at her, twice, then realized that this woman was her daughter and not a random twin.  The look on her face was priceless.

Tiffany was a breath of fresh air.  She's extremely funny, and livened us all up.  Which was good, as my stomach was on fire and my brain numbed by pain.  I did my best to keep smiling and contributed an occasional comment here and again.  But I was very down, knowing that a year before, Lisa lay dying then dead.

I was failing at my job of keeping Sandy's thoughts from despair, as I couldn't do it myself.

We then went to the Purple Moose for a bit.  Then had our picture taken at one of those dress up places.  We ended the night at Dead Freddies, where Sandy and Veronica both had a huge 40 oz plus strawberry daiquiri/margarita with beer.

We finally went to bed at 2:30.  And Veronica was up with the dawn.  And a beautiful dawn it was.

We went to lunch and lurked around the boardwalk for a bit, shopping.  I bought a necklace extender.  Veronica bought an outfit.  The day was sunny and beautiful... like the day the year before when I drove like a madwoman to see Sandy upon hearing of Lisa's death.

At  Seacrets

It was a quiet subdued day.  We spent a lot of it in the hotel room, on the balcony looking over the water.

Each of us our own thoughts.

Tiffany left first.  I left soon after.  I had a long ride home, then a trip to Boston the following day.  Sandy and Veronica walked me out to my car and we hugged.  I knew others were coming the following day to keep Sandy's mood up.  I couldn't help but think that for my part I wasn't good company.  I was quiet.

I cried a good amount of the way home.  Not a cleansing good cry, but a slow stream of tears that lasted an eternity.


And for all that, there was no closure.  I wonder if there ever be.  A year ago, I said goodbye to my sister.  I asked how my heart will feel in thirty years.  I still don't know the answer to that question.  But I can say that one Year hasn't been enough to calm the storm that she left in my soul.  I still miss Lisa desperately.  Most of the world has healed, but some of us has not.  Cannot.  Will not.  Am I obsessed?

Lose your sister, then you can judge me.

I still love you and miss you, Lisa.

My Urn for Lisa

Rash Decisions in Richmond

On July 3, 2014, Linda Lewis and I hopped into my car and drove south.  We drove straight to Richmond, Virginia.  It took quite some time due to traffic, but we made it eventually.  During the ride, my left ankle itched.  I scratched it occasionally and thought nothing of it.

Ready for Richmond!

The day was hot, and we were fairly tired.  However, seeing my dear friend Ally immediately brought Linda and I back to life.  Ally suggested lunch at a local Irish pub, O'Tooles.  As I love Irish pubs, I was happy to go.  There were maybe a dozen people in the place, and the three of us sat at the back half of the bar.  We weren't there five minutes before an older guy came over and gave us all his business card.  he flirted very hard with Ally while doing so.  I think that of the three of us, I'm the only one who still has his card.  Why, I have no idea.  I kind of think it's funny I guess.

Three Vanity Club sisters having a serious conversation at O'Tooles

That night, we went to Karaoke at a hotel restaurant called Nacho Mamas (not to be confused with the Baltimore institution).  The place was small with an oddly shaped bar, kind of triangular with fully half of it walled off.  The karaoke was behind the bar with views of the people down two sides of the triangle.

Ready to Sing!

We found a table near the back, and I put in to sing the Grateful Dead's Friend of the Devil, one of my usual songs.  As I sang, half of the crowd were busy texting or otherwise not giving a damn.  So I guess i was less than riveting.

Friend of the Devil

Later, I sang the Beatles "I've Just Seen a Face."  As I took the microphone, a heavy set African American woman called over to me "Girl, you'd better sing!"  Well, my reception on my second song was as indifferent as my first, so I gave up.  A couple of songs later, Ally stood and beautifully sang a Stevie Wonder song.

Ally sings; hearts break

Soon after, our night ended.  Everyone was very tired, so we returned to Ally's house, and went to bed.

The next morning was July 4th, which dawned hot, bright, and beautiful.  I thought a bit while showering, and wrote my thoughts in a quick blog entry.  Some people sing in the shower- I think.  The night before cured me of my singing bug for a bit.

I noticed little bumps above my eye, on my left ankle, and on a finger.  What in the world?  Hives?  What are they?  I threw makeup over the face bumps and got ready.  I didn't want to be a party pooper, and there was a pig roast to attend! 

LtoR:  Random guest, Me, Linda Lewis, Ally

The party was in a nice Richmond neighborhood, and was open to all the neighbors as well.  There was quite a good turnout.  The hosts were very genial, and had a wicked sense of humor, as evidenced by the signs all over the house.

Snobby Cat

The food was wonderful, and a couple hours after we arrived, the pig was ready.  The hosts chopped the meat into barbecue and everyone feasted.  It was SO GOOD!

Roast Pig

Chop Chop

While there, I met many people, including someone who works at a Richmond location of the book store where I am employed.  We compared notes.  He was a very pleasant person.  I also met a couple who were extremely nice.  He was legally blind and she was all but deaf.  As she said, the deaf was leading the blind!  

After a long afternoon of eating far too much, laughing a lot and, yes, drinking a bit much, we went back to Ally's house.  We were all thoroughly exhausted.  That's when I removed my makeup and saw what the itching was all about.

My old enemy Poison Ivy was back with a vengeance... and this time it was on my face.  My ankle was also covered, and it had a large blister filled with oil.  Ally had calamine lotion, which I used.  I still had medication from last summer, but it was back in Pennsylvania.

I slept uneasily, my face and ankle oozing oil and covered with tissues.  

The Beginning

The next morning both my face and ankle were far worse.  I decided that I should head back to PA to get the meds.  Ally, Linda and I had planned to bop about Richmond for the day, but the rash was severe enough to scare me.  I remembered last summer when I had the rash all summer long, and was worried that this would scar my face as the rash scarred my legs the previous year.  So, reluctantly, Linda and I bid Ally and Jay goodbye and headed north.

During the previous day, I'd been texting with the amazing Jenny North, a Vanity Club sister from Alexandria, Virginia area.  She was the one who'd made my session at Keystone so memorable.  She said she's love to see us as we drove past her area, so we stopped for lunch in beautiful downtown Alexandria.  Jenny met us and led us to an Irish pub called Murphy's.  The inside was crowded with people watching a World Cup match. 

We had a wonderful time with Jenny, who was a great hostess.  Soon it was time to go, but we stopped in a drug store so I could get some cortisone creme for my rash, which was oozing a river of oil.

With the Beautiful Jenny North

Back on the road until Baltimore.  Sandy Empanada was busy with family, so we couldn't see her.  I decided I'd stop at the site of Lisa's death.  So, on a hot sunny late afternoon, I pulled off the road next to where Lisa had parked the van all those months ago.  And just as I did the last time I'd passed by, I said a prayer for her.  I also updated her on my life, and cried fairly hard.  Linda waited in the car to give me privacy.

The rest of the trip back was uneventful.  I stopped at MIL's place so I could pick up the prescription creme.  I had given it to Wife to combat a case of poison Ivy she had a month prior.

The rash kept getting steadily worse. It was crusted over with hardened yellow puss.  On Monday, I called out of work and went to see a doctor.  She prescribed prednisone, and I kept using the creme.  To date, nearly two weeks later, the rash on my face is gone without scars, but the rash on my ankle is still healing.  At the peak, I counted 44 blisters on my ankle, all of which eventually popped and are finally healing.  

I really wanted to stay the full time in Richmond, but couldn't.  Ally and Jay were amazing hosts again, and Linda seemed to enjoy her time there as well.  I still have no idea from where the rash came, but that's kind of a moot point right now.  It's healing.

Since then, it's been back to work.  Linda is still looking for a job.  Without it, even if our third person moves in, we are sunk.  And as that third person hasn't told us when she is moving in yet, we may be sunk already.

So I've been a bit depressed.  Money woes will do that.  Hopefully Linda will find a job soon, and A will move in so we can keep the apartment.  If not, well, we're homeless.

Not a cheery thought to end the blog entry, but there it is. I've brought it all up to date.

Moving Stories

I have Moved.

I'm in an apartment in Jeffersonville,PA.   OOPS!  So much for having an undisclosed location.  Anyway, it's a two bedroom apartment.  I am living with roomies Linda Lewis and A.

Remember A?  Well check the Codex to refresh your memory.

In any case, A hasn't moved in yet.  Just Linda and I currently.  (Or should that be "Linda and me"?  Grammarians?)

So.  Moving is never fun.  And Linda and I did it alone.  I didn't ask anyone to help as I had nothing to give them for their help, like a dinner or stuff.

So I rented a U-Haul and we started by going to pick up some things from a friend (like bed frames) and then to MIL's to get a couch.  This is the couch that was in my old house in Baltimore.  It's a sectional and it's VERY heavy.  And losing my muscle mass to HRT didn't help one bit.

I also didn't fit up the stairs of the apartment.  I ended up breaking it as we tried.  As in REALLY broken.  Useless.  We left it by the dumpster.

I mentioned bed frames.  We have no beds to put on them.  I spent the first night there on the floor.  That wasn't fun.  Then a coworker (let's call her Geri) lent us a queen sized inflateable mattress, which has been awesome.

So Linda and I spend our nights sitting on the floor watching dvds on the computer (when I'm not working.)  We still don't have internet, and won't for a week.  I'm typing this at the Penn State Great Valley Library.

A will be moving in soon.  She has more furniture and stuff we need.  I will help her move.  

That's where we stand.  Much of what we have has been sitting in MIL's basement for 11 years, and was from my old Baltimore house.  Thanks to Wife for letting me take it.  Some friends have volunteered furniture, which we are happy to get. 

In fact, my Friends have been amazing through this whole process.  Some have donated the money we used for getting set up.  Others have lent things like the bed.  I really can't thank them enough.  Special thanks to Tammy Matthews and Jenny North for their wonderful help.  Also thanks to the "Anonymous donor" who doesn't want her identity known as she has a reputation as a republican to protect.  Seriously!  :)

That's rreally it for now.  I'm not homeless.  And that's because of my friends.  I lost many people when I transitioned.  But I gained so many new friends who closed ranks around me and Linda and helped in our time of need.

Thanks again to you all.  I am truly blessed.

Gifts

Last Saturday was a snowstorm here in PA.  It wasn't as big as predicted, but still many events were cancelled.  Specifically, the potluck dinner that was being held by TCPA,  which I was going to attend.

I don't attend many TCPA events, as Harrisburg is a bit of a drive.  But Sandy Empanada was going to be there.  As was Ally, all the way from Richmond, Virginia.  I really wanted to see my friends; I even took off work to do so.  So, after a few quick phone calls and texts, Ally agreed to meet me in Baltimore so we could see Sandy and hang out.  I was to pick up Hayden in Harrisburg and head south.

And so I did.  I moved my appointment with Amanda Richards forward by an hour.  Snow began to fall as I drove to Allentown.  Amanda tried some different things with my makeup which I liked a lot. 

Ready to Roll!

As I drove to Harrisburg, the snow intensified.  I was an hour late getting Hayden.  And so I was an hour late getting to Baltimore.  I told Sandy I'd be there by three.  Hayden said it would be four.  Apparently, I operate on "Sophie Time" as I'm always late.  Even with starting an hour earlier, I was still late.  Story of my life.

Baltimore was only getting rain, and it rained hard.  Ally arrived at three and waited at Sandy's.  After stopping there and catching up for a bit, Hayden and Sandy went to fix a few things so Ally and I went to the nearby Angle Inn. 

With the beautiful Ally at the Angle Inn

There we were clocked and heard some rude comments by a group of fat older guys at a table.  One of them looked like a lemon with his bright yellow University of Michigan sweater and yellow Michigan hat.  Ally and I both wore sparkly Santa hats courtesy of Hayden.  The group remarked on them as well.  We smiled, toasted to Lisa, then to Sandy, and talked about here we are in our lives.  We had two drinks, then headed out into the rain to go back to Sandy's. 

I'm always short on funds.  But I wanted to give my friends Christmas gifts.  So for Sandy, I had a photo of our group at the Raven party printed and bought a frame. 

My Gift to Sandy, displayed.

For Hayden, a framed pic of me from the same event.  Hayden loves having pics of his friends.  For Ally, a gift card from Macys.  I know that none of them were much, but they were from my heart.

You see, as I mentioned before, I'm not a huge fan of Christmas.  I won't elaborate on the reasons: family, working retail and service industry, etc.  And it has nothing to do with Anger Management...

But the biggest part is that I HATE getting gifts (I Love giving them, though.)  I never feel worthy of them.  What did I do to deserve them?

Yes, I know deserve has little to do with it.  And I know it is my long-entrenched lack of self-worth kicking me in the butt.  I mean I appreciate that people think enough of me to get me gifts, and they ARE appreciated... well, I'll drop it.

Sandy LOVES Christmas.  She decorates the house beautifully and wraps her gifts with style. 

Lisa loved Christmas too.

This will be Sandy's first Christmas without her.  I can't even contemplate that level of pain, nor the level of strength required to live through it.

Sandy was ready for us.  Her house was beautifully decorated in red and gold to match the décor.  She decorated in a Butterfly motif as Lisa loved butterflies.  Butterflies were everywhere.  I was reminded of the part of The Hobbit where Bilbo climbs above the canopy of trees in Mirkwood and sees a sea of butterflies.

...he saw all round him a sea of dark green, ruffled here and there by the breeze; and there were everywhere hundreds of butterflies. I expect they were a kind of ‘purple emperor,’ a butterfly that loves the tops of oak-woods, but these were not purple at all, they were a dark dark velvety black without any markings to be seen.
He looked at the ‘black emperors’ for a long time, and enjoyed the feel of the breeze in his hair and on his face...

Sandy took great care in wrapping her gifts.  Each person had at least one plastic butterfly adorning a ribboned package.  It was a shame to have to disturb the beautiful work.  Hayden also brought beautifully wrapped gifts.  Ally didn't wrap anything.  She was generously paying for dinner that night.

 My friends were so generous to me; I felt inadequate.  I was overwhelmed by their generosity. 

Two years ago, Sandy gave Lisa a necklace bearing Lisa's name.  Lisa treasured it:  it was her first gift as a Woman. 

This year, Sandy gave me a necklace like Lisa's: a Sophie necklace.  Hanging from the script silver letters was a delicate butterfly.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Earlier I wrote that I'm no fan of Christmas.  But on this night, I felt the Christmas spirit.  I was happy with my friends.  And I desperately missed Lisa.  But while I felt her absence keenly, I was comforted that we, her friends, were there for Sandy.  And Sandy was there for us.

I changed for the night, and touched up my makeup.  I wore a black dress rather low cut.  It showed off my breasts very nicely.  When I wore the prosthetic, I loved looking down and seeing the breasts and cleavage, and thinking how wonderful it would be if they were truly my own.  Now I look down... and they ARE my own. 

In a conversation recently, my dear friend Ally spoke of the moment I will finally see Sophie in the mirror.  She spoke of seeing Ally in the mirror the first time.  Someday soon, I WILL see Sophie in the mirror with no gimmicks, no pads, no wig.  And someday, God willing, I will stand naked before a mirror and see a Woman physically as well as mentally.  Someday.

But I digress.  Must be that pesky Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come...

We went through the cold heavy rain to the Mount Vernon Stable for dinner again.  And it was wonderful.  The service was amazing as was the company.  I drove, so I had to be good.  I had one glass of wine at the restaurant, and later, one drink at our next destination:  Club Hippo.  There I sand karaoke again, but this time the song was new to me:  Santa Baby.  They didn't post the words, so sometimes I had to improvise.  A video was shot of this using an iPad I brought.  A very cute woman did this for me.  She kept turning the iPad while filming though, but that wasn't as annoying as my singing. 

Hayden, Sandy, Ally, Me at Mt. Vernon Stable

From there I went to the dance floor, then the group went to the nearby Grand Central.  This was a much bigger place, with a tin roof and magnificent wooden bar.  There I drank diet coke while Ally caught up with old friends and everyone else danced.  I sat quietly alone, but was fine with that.  I thought about Who and what I am.  What will the coming new year bring?  That's a topic for later, though.

I brought everyone back to Sandy's safely.  We sat up for a while talking, then we all retired for the night.

The next day I drove Hayden back to Baltimore, then I went to work.  Forty minutes late, and in drab.

It was a Wonderful weekend.  As much as I love TCPA, I think that the trip to Baltimore was better for me than the Pot Luck would've been.  The snow drove me south to my friends, and my friends lifted my spirits.  They showed me what I was missing all these Christmas seasons.

I mentioned how my family was a reason that the season was so bad for me.  Well, as I move forward with my life, and with my transition, I have learned that those I hold close to me are my family.  Lisa was my sister.  And my friends who Know and accept me as my True Self are those that will see me through this.  The road will be hard, but my New Family will be with me, as I will be there for them.

Within days after Christmas, I will travel south with Wife to Delaware.  I will read a letter to my parents that reveals to them that they actually have a daughter.  And then the Fallout.  Of course, I'll write about it.

Whether you celebrate or not, may the Season bring you Joy and Peace, and may 2014 bring you Magic.

My Parent's Daughter

 

Seven Shades of Eyebrow

Now that I'm finished writing about SCC I can get back to relatively current events.  Relatively being the operative term.

So I'll cover a weekend here.  A simple Friday and Saturday that were anything but simple.  Though it could be argued that I was.

Friday October 18 was a bright and beautiful morning.  I woke up early to put my face on, as I had big plans that day.  Sandy Empanada, Lisa's widow, invited myself, Hayden (from Harrisburg), and Ally from Richmond, Va to her home for the night.  The purpose was to go through Lisa's things and see if we wanted anything.  Lisa and I were the same size, and Ally one size smaller.  In any case, we received the invite because we are family.

Stage one was to pick up Hayden.  He took a train to 30th St station in Philly, where I met him.  He gave me a beautiful flower, so he's the first man ever to do that! 

The trip was uneventful except for a stop at the I-95 rest stop in Delaware.  I went to the ladies room, had finished up and was washing my hands when a fat, short old woman walked up next to me, looked at me and said "Oh My GOD!!"

I looked down at her, and said "I don't like your top either", smiled, and left, head held high.

Smiling at my Bathroom Performance, just after it happened

We arrived in Baltimore around 2.  Hayden and I stopped in White Marsh for lunch.  I suggested Della Roses, as I remembered it being good, and I'd never been there as Sophie. 

Menu Board, Me at Della Roses

The beer came in a chipped glass, the bar was sticky, the service slow... but the food was good.  Hayden didn't like it, but he'd been eating tacos the whole trip down (he picked some up at 30th St Station at Taco Bell.)

We arrived at the Angle Inn at 3:30. 

There were a bunch of older guys there, and the barmaid who served us last time.  She remembered my name and drink, and we told her we were there to keep Sandy company.  She smiled and thanked us. 

We'd been there a few minutes when one of the fat old guys said "FAGGOTS" very loudly, looking at me, as part of his conversation.  The barmaid was standing in front of him (to the side a bit, so all I saw was her back (it's a wrap around bar)) and she looked at him.  I wish I could've seen the look, because that old guy just shrank down in his seat and shut up!

I tipped her extra before leaving.

Ally arrived, and we drank a toast to Lisa.  Then Tiffany arrived, and we went over to the house, where Sandy was waiting.  We sat around talking for a bit, and Sandy gave me some of Lisa's ashes, which I put in a memorial necklace.  She gave me a little extra and asked me to scatter them in two places that she specified, which I will do.  We also watched some phone movies that Tiffany had of Lisa dancing.  In one of them, she speaks briefly.  It was wonderful to hear her voice.  I would've cried if I hadn't promised myself that I wouldn't in front of Sandy.

Sandy, Ally and I then adjourned to the guest room and sorted through Lisa's things.  Sandy and the daughters had already taken what they wanted.  Ally and I divided the rest- some of which I will sell on eBay with every penny going to suicide prevention. 

So, we all then went out to dinner.  Joining us was Sandy's Uncle, whom I will call Jake. We decided we would end up at the Club Hippo, and he knew a good restaurant nearby.  In fact, it was one of Lisa's favorites:  Mount Vernon Stable and Saloon.

We had a fantastic dinner and I had a couple of their specialty drinks which were sooooo gooooood!  We then walked the block to the Hippo.

As I mentioned before, the Hippo has three rooms; a main bar, a back bar where there is karaoke, and a large dance room, where, this night, there was a drag show.  I went to the back bar, and put my name in for a song.  Yes, I'm a bitch like that.  The others sat with me and suffered through my song: "Friend of the Devil." 

Oh No!  Not her again!

And I sang again, "Is She Really Going Out with Him."  Yes, I tend to do the same songs over and over.  I'm told Tiffany filmed this, but I haven't seen it yet.

Who Let her up AGAIN??

Eventually, the others went to the other side for the show.  Jake works for the Hippo as a bouncer, so he sorted out our way over.  We all received hand stamps.  And I drank more.

After a while, I went back to the back bar, and one of the other people asked me to duet with him.  he was an amazing singer.  We finally agreed on a song:  "Under Pressure."

The others arrived when we were halfway through.  He was really singing badly, whether because he was drunk or intentionally.  So I decided to have fun with it.  I was singing the Bowie parts, and I jumped off the stage and started singing to a very pretty woman.  She laughed.  Others hooted and hollered.  I had a blast.

With the beautiful Ally
 

Oh, and I drank more. 

We then took a group picture outside.  I look pregnant.

Front (L to R) Tiffany, Sandy.  Back (L to Right) Me, Ally, Jack, Hayden

I plopped into Tiffany's car.  The next thing I remember is waking up face down on the guest room bed.  Ummm... yeah.

So.  I'm told that Tiffany and I had a deep discussion in the car.  I'm told we went back to the Angle, where I bought a round of Jack Daniels shots for our group.  I'm told I made it back to the house unassisted.  Then I plopped onto the couch, and attempted to participate in the conversation.  At one point, I somehow lapsed into discussing what Lisa and I discussed at SCC about makeup, but I couldn't quite get it right.  I said "Seven Shades of Eyebrows."

Apparently, my tuck failed.  When someone brought it up, I said "It's big because I'm a Scot!"

I apparently spent some time with my porcelain friend as well.

In any case, I was a bit hung-over in the morning.  More than a little.

I slept in.  Go figure.  Showered and packed.  Ally was supposed to stay in the guest room as well, but stayed on the couch.  I'm guessing it had something to do with vomit breath or whatever.  In any case, I apologized to all for any missteps.  They laughed.

Ally and I packed at the same time, as she was leaving before I was.  We talked.  I won't say exactly what she told me, as it was private, but what she told me warmed my heart, especially since it was her saying it.  I admire her greatly, and I am proud to call her friend.

The drive back seemed eternal.  Hayden and I spoke of various things, but not much, as we were both exhausted.  I dropped him off in Harrisburg and made it back to my room.  There I took a brief nap.

Why only brief?  Well, it was Renaissance meeting night, as well as Angela's Laptop Lounge.  It was the Halloween party for both, but I didn't have my costume ready yet.  (I still don't.  Wait until you see it!)

I wore one of the dresses I inherited from Lisa.  Also her boots.  The Clover necklace.  And the Memorial necklace.  I did my own makeup, and tried something different with my eyes.

After I arrived and paid my money, I went to get a soda, and was greeted by a new face.  She had black hair, heavy makeup and a very pleasant smile.  Her name was Tammy.  This was her first time at Renaissance.  She introduced herself and was very complimentary.  Apparently, she has followed me on flickr for four years, and also reads this blog.  (Hi Tammy!)

She was telling me about how much she loves the blog, the pictures, and how I was such an inspiration to her.  I was a bit taken aback. I'm not used to people telling me positive things.  I just don't think I'm worth it.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the praise... I just didn't know how to react to it.  This was the second time this happened to me, and I was just as humbled this time as I was the last.

I gave her one of my Sophie business cards and she was extremely excited.  Like I was a rock star or something.  It really stroked my ego, yes, but... well as I said above.  I'm just a fat chick trying to make her way in this world.

That night, Laptop was at a different place: the Almaz Café.  It was a large place, with a beautiful bar and great service.  As an Ethiopian bar, the clientele tended to be African American.  How do I know?  Many of the usual clientele came in, and the clientele wasn't told that there was going to be a TG Halloween Party there, and the looks of the patrons were priceless! 

Loitering about on the Stairs

I didn't stay at Laptop long.  I was tired, and still feeling a bit woozy from the previous night.  I said my goodbyes and walked off into the rainy night.  I was really exhausted.

I drove back to the house, and went up to my room.  Took off the dress and boots, and looked in the mirror. 

A Woman looked back at me. 

She smiled.



 

A Month Ago Now.

One month ago, my life irrevocably changed.

One Month ago, right now, my sister Lisa Empanada was ending her life.

I can't believe it's been a month. I still expect a goofy text from her, or a call to tell me of a wonderful event in her life.

 

Secrets with my Sister, August 2012

 She once told me that she felt people would simply get over her suicide and get on with their lives.

I wish she were here to see how wrong she was. I wish she knew how many people loved her. I wish I could hear her groan at one of my bad puns.

Above all, I wish she were here at Sandra Newell's side, where she belongs.

But wishing will not bring her back to us. Nothing ever will. And so we grieve.

Someday I will be able to remember the short time we spent together fondly, and not cry when I think of her. Someday I will be able to smile and welcome others into my life as she once welcomed me into hers.

But today... today I need to find Strength. I need to be strong. I need to be strong for Sandy and her family. And for others who, like me, are fighting the Darkness that claimed Lisa.

And in that Strength, seek Hope.

 

Through Hope, find Healing.

 

And through Healing, someday, find Happiness.

 

 

Final Farewell: Lisa Empanada's Memorial

I thought I'd finished writing about Lisa.  But so many people asked me about last Friday's events, I decided to post the story here.

The week of Crying culminated in Friday's memorial.  September 20, 2013

There was to be no funeral.  Lisa didn't want one.  Two viewings were scheduled.  The first was 3-5 PM and the second was 7-9.  Unannounced was another viewing for family only from 2-3 PM.

My day was a comedy of errors.  I had so much going on, and was late from the beginning.  I took forever to get my makeup right, and eventually gave up.  I went to the MAC store in the King of Prussia mall.  There a very talented woman worked on my eyes.  It occurred to me as I drove away, that I had walked into and out of the mall in a dress in broad daylight and didn't even think twice about it.  I remember not long ago when I almost hyper-ventilated doing the same thing.

I met Jane Air at the place where I live and we drove to Baltimore together.  I was making us both late.  However, the directions I received were perfect, and we arrived at the funeral home at 3:30 PM.  Outside in the brilliant sunlight I saw Jen Bryant and Suzanne Olivia among so many others.

The Funeral Home

I hugged them both and walked slowly up the stone steps to the door.  Inside the light seemed dim compared to the brilliant sunlight outside.  To the left of the small foyer was a small guest book, which I signed.  Once past the foyer, I saw my friend Hayden, dressed all in black (which actually isn't unusual for him.)  He pulled me aside and said "Sandy wants you to have this." 

He gave me the Four leaf Clover necklace that I had sent to Lisa a lifetime ago (was it only a couple of months?)  (I'm wearing it as I type this.)  I looked at the small silver charm and necklace in my hand, and my eyes began to mist.

There were maybe sixty people there, mostly family.  I went to Sandy and we hugged.  Lisa's daughter Kristy was holding a pink stuffed animal: Mudsey.  Mudsey was in the van with Lisa.  Apparently, Lisa would bring Mudsey to her therapist appointments to dry her tears.  There were mascara stains on its head. I saw Ally and a few others and spoke to them briefly, with my back to the casket.  Then I turned to face it. 

The body was in drab.  It was Tom dressed in a suit.  The shirt was purple, as that was Lisa's favorite color.  I knew that under his shirt was an Underarmor constriction shirt to hide Lisa's breasts.  His black hair was slicked back and his hands were folded over his abdomen.  He was heavily made up.  In the hairline I could see why.  The skin was hot pink (a side effect of carbon monoxide poisoning.)  I looked at the face for a moment, and I could see Lisa's feminine features.  This... guy... whom I never met, was indeed Lisa. 

I knelt at the provided kneeling thing, and said a prayer for Lisa,  I then looked into the lifeless face... and bitched her out for over a minute, crying the whole time.  "You were supposed to call when you felt this way.  Now look at you- decaying in men's clothing!"  I then stood and headed out the door, all but bawling. 

There was a bar across the street- the Laughing Pint.  It was a small dive bar.  Myself, Jane, Christina Tali and Danielle Roberts went over for a drink.  There we found many members of Lisa's family.  The barmaid was overwhelmed with the number of people in the bar.  Eventually, we all toasted to Lisa. 

While I was waiting for the drinks, I suggested the rest of us occupy a nearby table.  Danielle said "Aren't you bossy!"  I told her that I bartended for many years, and I was used to the bar being my domain.  But that wasn't totally true.  I mean, it was, but it wasn't the full story.  I was blustering.  It's one of my defense mechanisms when I am extreme pain.  I start giving orders and "assume command" hoping people will go away so I can suffer alone.  Never works.  Just makes me look bitchy.

After a couple of rounds, the party broke up and many people went to the Canton Dockside.  The family reserved a room with tables for thirty.  However, there we more than fifty of us.  So they made the room family only.  I understood why, but I admit being a little hurt.  After all, I had been told many times I was family.

Canton Dockside.

But that's ok.  Myself and my sisters sorted out tables and we all had a wonderful meal.  I started blustering again. though. 

"Dammit, we are here to celebrate Lisa's life so let's celebrate!"  All I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sob, but I refused to do so.

That's when Lisa's daughter Kristie and a few others left the back room and joined us at our tables.  I was SO moved by that gesture.  She objected to us being segregated and wanted to be among those of us who knew Lisa best. 

At the table.  Pic by Christina Tali

Dinner went well.  The food was great and the service was wonderful.  I dreaded the next step.  Back to the funeral home for the last part of the viewing. 

 

After parking, Jane and I walked to the funeral home.  It was packed!  So many people!  So many transpeople had come out to pay tribute and say goodbye to Lisa.  Maybe 120 people, mostly us.

 

I re-entered.   I saw Kristy, and held Mudsey rather roughly.  See, she had been in the van and hadn't stopped Tom from doing what he did. I then went back to the casket, where I waited in line for my turn.  The room was quite hot as it was fairly full of people.  Eventually it was my turn.  I knelt again, and said another prayer for Lisa.  I then quietly caught her up with events in my life, as I used to when she was alive.  Again, I cried the whole time.  This time I reached out and touched her arm.  Stone cold.

 

I hugged Sandy again, I went to the back of the room.  Someone had made Kristy a book of pictures of Lisa and her writings.  I was told I was "all over the book."  And I was.  In it were several pictures of Lisa and I together.  Also there was the piece I wrote for her, as well as her description of receiving the necklace I gave her.  The necklace that was now zipped into an inner compartment in my purse.

 

Soon a priest appeared.  He was older and Hispanic, and spoke with an accent.  He summoned "immediate family only" to the front of the room.  So it family in the front, transgenders in the back.  I stood next to my friend Cecilia Watkins from Harrisburg.  Many of us looked at each other in confusion.  Why was there a priest there?  Lisa was anti-religion!  I found out later that Sandy asked him there for her comfort, as she was Catholic.

 

The priest started by referring to "Brother Tommy" and led everyone in prayer.  Then he started in with "everyone knew about Tommy's identity issues" and kept on going.  "The pope has ordered we clergy to be tolerant of these poor misguided individuals" and "God will forgive them anyway,"  Cecilia and I held hands, both of us squeezing very hard.  All of us were so incredibly angry!  This... person... was not only insulting the deceased, but also insulting over 2/3 of the people in the room!  I had a clear line of sight to his face and glared at him angrily.  My eyes never leaving his face.  I was so pissed off!

 

The priest finished with a prayer, and took off like the hounds of hell were biting at his heels. 

 

Kristy then stepped to the spot he had vacated and introduced herself.  She spoke of how she was Lisa's daughter, and how so many of us never met Tommy, only Lisa, and continued from there to paint a loving portrait of the Lisa we all knew.  She always referred to Lisa, not Tom, and to her as "my mom."

 

She redeemed the service in all of our eyes.  And I told her so.  I also told her that at the Angle Inn later, that her money was no good.  And it wasn't.  All of Lisa's sisters lined up to buy her drinks.

 

After Kristie finished, there was another line to visit the coffin, and I joined it.  Eventually it was my turn.  The moment I dreaded was here- the moment I prayed would never, ever come.  It was time to say goodbye to one of my best friends.  To my "transition buddy."  To my Sister. 

 

To Lisa.

 

I again knelt and offered one last prayer in her presence.  I then looked into her pale, dead face and told her how I loved her, and how I would carry her in my heart all the days of my life.  That I would live by her example of welcoming everyone, and of loving all.  I placed one of my business cards in the crook of her left arm, on the back of which I had written "Goodbye Lisa.  I will always love and miss you."  I then said that to her as I held her lifeless right arm.  I then said goodbye, crying like I'd never cried before.  I turned my back on the coffin, on Lisa, and left the funeral home.  Now I had to do the impossible- go on with my life without her.

 

She was cremated the next morning.  All the beauty that was Lisa.  her smile, her eyes, are now ash. 

 

From there, the family and a few transpeople went to the Angle Inn, which was close to where Lisa lived.  Walking distance in fact.  There I set up Kristy's first drink, and a few of us settled into some tables back by the dartboards and quietly talked. 

 

The Angle Inn from the parking lot.

 

After a drink, I walked to Lisa and Sandy's house.  Sandy had asked me to come over.  Upon arrival, I sat with Sandy and Lisa's daughter Tiffany.  We sat and spoke quietly about some private things.  I looked over at a table and again saw the wedding picture that Lisa had with her in that horrible van.

 

 

 

Sandy and Tiffany told me some private things that made me cry again, but I also smiled through my tears.  She then led me downstairs to the basement, where, hanging everywhere were Lisa's things.  And she pointed out several full suitcases- all full.  Lisa was quite the shopper!  As she and I were the same size, Sandy started stuffing a bag with dresses and tops.  She tossed in six wigs, two of which had never been worn.  She then disappeared around a corner and said "wait here a sec." 

 

She returned holding a white floral dress: the one Lisa wore to her Affirmation Party.  Sandy said "you should have this."

 

I said "I... I am not worthy of this."

 

Sandy said "I can't think of anyone Lisa would've wanted to have it more than you."

 

I took the dress and looked at it.  I then placed it in the bag.  I WILL wear that dress.  I will wear it when I have MY affirmation party.  And I WILL have one... just to wear that dress.  And to educate those who come on what it means to be trans.

 

Lisa speaking at her Affirmation Party

 

 

We spoke for a little while longer, and then hugged.  I took my leave, and placed the bag in my car.  From there I went back to the Angle Inn.  I had a few more drinks with various members of Lisa's family.  I handed the keys to Jane.  I knew I couldn't drive at that point.

 

Soon after that, we left.  We took Hayden with us.  He had been sullen and silent most of the day- grieving in his own way.

 

At 1:30 AM, we were in the driveway of the house where I am staying.  I went inside and removed my black dress.  I will never wear that dress again.  I pulled off my wig and collapsed into bed without removing my makeup and slept a dreamless sleep.

 

In the days that followed, the picture of Lisa's final day became clearer. 

 

Lisa's last phone call was just after 10 AM to the foreman of the job she was working.  It lasted under two minutes.  She said "I'll be back to stain the stairs."

 

Her last known text was to Ally, but that message was private, so I won't say what it was. 

 

Sandy spoke to the man who found Lisa's body.  She told me what he said.

 

The van was there at 3 PM. ( Last prior sighting prior was 11:30 AM.)  The man saw it pull up and park across the road from his house, but this was not unusual.  The next morning, the van was still there, so he went over to look in it.  He looked in the front window and saw what he thought was a Hispanic sleeping in the back.  He went to the rear doors and opened one.  Lisa's foot flopped out lifelessly.  The man called the police.

 

Lisa was found with the pink stuffed animal, Mudsey, under one arm. Keys were in the other hand. Between that arm and her chest, facing out, was the wedding picture. It slid there after she died. The necklace and wedding ring were on her. Tiffany's makeup bag was next to her. In the bag was her carry letter and her driver's license. The machine was NOT running, as it automatically shuts off after 4 hours. 

 

It was the police who moved everything to the front seat to remove the body.  Lisa died with representations of her loved ones with her.

 

Since the estimated time of death was somewhere between 6 and 9 PM, and the van was parked there at 3, what did Lisa do before starting the compressor?  My educated guess is that it took maybe ten or fifteen minutes for the van to fill with the poison gas.  From there, it would take ten minutes for her to die, quietly.  She just fell asleep and left this world. 

 

I like to think those hours were filled with Lisa fighting for possession of Tom, trying to stop what was happening.  Maybe she sat crying in the van.  Maybe my estimate is all wrong, and it took her hours to die.

 

In any case, Sandy didn't go upstairs to see the note left for her until 9 that night.  By the time the search began, Lisa was already gone.

 

So Lisa is gone.  I keep looking for a silver lining to all this.  My friend Sharon Stones offered one.  She mentioned that Lisa's passing has "brought the community together like nothing [she'd] ever seen before."  And she's right.  We have pulled together in mourning.  We are talking to each other.  We are talking about suicide and how to avoid it.  And this is a good thing. 

 

As an aside to this story, I offer this.  Many have asked me "Why did she name herself Empanada?  Did she eat a lot of them?"  No.  She told me why. She named herself for a Goddess.

 

"Empanada, also called Empanda or simply Panda, is the Roman Goddess of asylum, charity, and hospitality. Her temple on the Capitoline Hill was always open, and from Her temple food was distributed to those in need. Her name derives from the Latin verb pandere, "to open" or "to spread out" (used in the phrase passis manibus "with hands outstretched") and means "She Who Opens". She is said to have originally been a Goddess of the countryside, worshipped by rural folk, which would seem to imply some connection with farming or nature."

 

 Fits doesn't it?
 

I think it's appropriate to give my sister Lisa the last word.  This is from a piece she posted on Facebook on December 24, 2012 at 8:27 AM. The last line is so appropriate to her memory.  It distills Lisa to her essence. 

Sleep well, my Sister.  I will never ever stop loving you or missing you.

Can you take some stuff away from us? We have too much of somethings that no one should have so much of. Could you please stop by on Christmas and take away the doubt. Can you remove the tremendous pain and grief from our shoulders...so many of us are buckling under the weight. Could you take away the nightmares that haunt our waking hours. Can you take away the feeling of loneliness? Can you take away the skepticism that we can ever manage to believe in the magic that moves us?

Santa can you take away our fears. We have too many of them already. If you can, please do. Because so many of us are trapped by fear and doubt, by regret and a lack of confidence.

If you could just take this stuff away ... or find a way to help us to, I know we can be stronger and soar higher. I know we can be the Angels on Earth we are destined to be.

 

 

SCC 2013.  Eight days before she died.