Reprise

Another weekend gone.  Mostly cloudy, some sun, highs in the 40s.  A little warm for this time of year in south eastern PA, but I'm not complaining.

This weekend I was out and about, but it wasn't typical.  No far from it.

This weekend was the monthly Renaissance meeting and the biweekly Laptop Lounge. 

I worked Saturday morning, and from there went to True Colors for a makeover by Amanda Richards.  (oh, I stopped to get a room at a motel first.)

I arrived early for my pre-paid 4 PM appointment... to find Amanda in a middle of a photo session.  She's double booked.  Oops!  Amanda was horrified and very apologetic.  Yes, even the Legend makes mistakes sometimes.  ;)

So, options were weighed.  I could:
1) Go back to the motel room ( a 90 minute drive) and do my own makeup.
2) Wait until the end of the photo session at Six and then bump her 6 o clock appointment back.
3) Do my own makeup there.

In any case, she said I could be refunded, as any choice was free (her mistake after all.)  I told her that no refund would be needed, but I found it very generous (and honest) of her to offer.

Hmmm.  I didn't bring my makeup.  Amanda said she had everything I would need.  So, I would get to play with her professional palliate and brushes...

I said I'd do so if at six she would do my eyelashes for me.  She agreed.

So.  There I was with a professional makeup palliate and professional brushes.  Only thing that was less than awesome was the lighting.  No brainer!  I was like a kid in a candy store with mom's credit card!  So I dressed and started applying.

The person having the photoshoot was someone going out for the first time: Alexis.  She'd been dressing for years, but this would be her first time out.  The photoshoot was a Christmas gift from her wife, who not only knows about Alexis, but approves and participates.

Yes, Alexis is aware how blessed she is.

I was all but ready at 5:45.  I was wearing a new dress I found on ebay.  This was the second dress I bought from Funfash.  Their stuff tends to be a bit daring, and they ship quickly.  And I LOVE this dress!  I was going to wear a white cami underneath it to cover the cleavage, but... NAH!

I'll wear this again at Keystone.  THERE I'll wear the cami.

At six on the nose, I sat in Amanda's chair.  I asked her to critique my makeup as she apologized again.  She said she really liked the job I did on my eyes, and made some helpful suggestions here and there.  She did my lashes, lips, and eyeliner.  She also combed out my wig.  By 6:15, I was ready.

I was supposed to go to dinner with my dear friends Jen, Katie and Suzanne.  However due to the scheduling mishap, I called off.  I went directly to Renaissance. 

When I arrived, there were maybe twenty girls attending, including five I'd never seen before.  One was a member from way back- she transitioned in the late nineties.  The other four were first timers.  Four in the same meeting!  I was thrilled!  Four more of us starting the journey out of the shadows. Two told me that they heard of us through our group on Meetup.com.  As I am the host of that group, I was glad to hear it.

I didn't stay too long, as I'd missed dinner, and I was hungry.

For the first time in a while (and only for this one night) Laptop Lounge was at Shangrila.  Some readers may remember that I went to Shangrila alone back in November.  At the bar, I found Dr. Michelle Angello, who was kind enough to invite me to join her.  Dr. Angello is one of the leading therapists specializing in LGBT issues, and has appeared on many talk shows, including a memorable appearance on Larry King.  I had a wonderful time talking with her over appetizers and wine.

Soon enough, the party started.  The bar was soon packed.  My "Big Sis" Mel arrived, and we talked for a while.  I saw my friend Tina from Allentown for the first time in a while.  There were many new faces, including Alexis.  Turns out she is a fellow Penn Stater, several years after my time there. 

With Alexis

Also there was another "new"girl, Nikki.  She also had been dressing for years, and it showed.  Beautiful presentation!  Far better than I was my first time out!

As always there was music and fun times.  I made sure to limit my drinking, ending very early.  Many, many pictures were taken.  Apparently my dress was a hit!  It was the dress, right?

I left at about 1 AM.  back to the motel, where I changed back to drab and showered.  Then to Wawa for a quick snack.  By 2:15, I was on my way home. 

I'd just cleared Valley Forge Park when I was stuck behind a slow moving SUV.  It was swerving a little bit.  We passed the Valley Forge post office, where a police car was waiting- from the same station that pulled me over back in the summer.  And this officer pulled in behind me.  I wasn't worried about my sobriety as my last drink was more than four hours prior, so it was out of my system.  That said, no one likes being tailed by a police car!

I drove for almost a mile, watching the SUV swerve over the white line and wondering if the police officer behind me saw it as well.  I really didn't like the situation, but didn't want to turn off for fear that the officer would follow me, wondering where I was going.  I was fairly sure that the officer had already run my license plate by that time, and knew where I lived.  As we entered town, I pulled into a gas station, as I kind of needed gas and it provided a plausible reason to pull off. 

The officer nearly tore off my rear bumper blasting past me!  His lights turned on, and he was in pursuit.

I finished pumping gas, turned back onto the road, and there was the officer, maybe three hundred yards down the road.  As I drove past, I saw it was the same officer who caught me, and he was administering "the Test" to the driver of the SUV.

Hopefully, this guy will learn from his mistake.

Soon enough, I was home.  I uploaded the pictures from my camera into my computer, and went to bed.

Happy to be out again.  Happy to have reconnected with friends. 

Happy to be a Woman.




PS:  I will be presenting at the Keystone Conference on Thursday morning at 10:30 AM.  My topic is Writing Transgender Fiction: Releasing Your Inner Person.  And yes, it will be different from last year's presentation.  Want to know how?  Sign up!

PPS:  Speaking of TG fiction, I recently posted my fourth story to Fictionmania.  Find it HERE.  Comments appreciated!

 




 

Well Regulated Militia

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

Lots of people know some of those words.  I have them memorized.

If you don't live here in the USA, that's the Second amendment to our Constitution.  This amendment was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the "Bill of Rights." As such, it isn't an original part of the Constitution, as it was ratified in 1789.  But that's neither here nor there.

For many people, this is the only part of the Constitution they recognize or even know a part of.  Some people think this is the ONLY part of the Constitution that matters.

I've been asked many times for my opinion on the topic of "Gun Control" and the second amendment lately.  There's a firestorm of angry posts over on facebook.  President Obama issued 23 executive actions, and made some recommendations to Congress.

NONE, repeat NONE of these were to "take away everyone's guns" as the lunatic fringe would have you believe.

So.  Here's my opinion.  Subject to change if the FACTS do.

I have no problem with people owning guns.  Pistols, rifles, if you want them, that's fine. I understand the need for self-defense.

Source

That said... there's a bunch of people (and a very large, very rich organization that owns a lot of people in congress) who want anyone to be able to buy heavy artillery.  Six guns at high noon and all that.  Shoot who, what, and when you want.

Right, let's go back to the actual text, and the part that the NRA and their legions forget.

A well regulated militia

Let's define the term, shall we?  Regulated.  According to Merriam Websters:

 

1

a: to govern or direct according to rule

b (1): to bring under the control of law or constituted authority (2): to make regulations for or concerning

2

: to bring order, method, or uniformity to

So, "well regulated" means "governed."  As in "have laws concerning." 

I won't go into the fact that the MILITIA part means "own a gun, you're in the militia."  Which today means National Guard.

So.  "Well regulated" means gun laws.  Says so, right there in the second amendment.

No one is taking away your guns, people.  I understand that Big guns are fun to shoot.  Ok, I get it.  Everyone needs a hobby.  But does you getting a thrill trump people dying?

"More people die from cars"  Ummm... cars are built for transportation.  Guns are built to kill.  See the difference?  If you don't, you shouldn't own either one.  (I didn't come up with that, but I agree totally.)

So.  Common sense gun laws.  Like "can buy only one gun a day."  Why do you need to buy more in a DAY?  "Background check."  Issue with that?  Oh wait- that means the government will know you have a gun!  0.o  No selling ammunition on the Internet.  "But that means I have to get my fat ass out of my chair, jump into my deathmobile and go to a store!!!  And the transaction can be traced!"

Exactly!

"Pass a competency test before being licensed to own a gun."  SOCIALISM!  Ummm... you need to pass a test to drive, get into school, and so many other things that are far less lethal than owning a gun.

"I need my gun to fight against a tyrannical gubbermint!"  Wow.  Just... wow.  So, when Bush was wiping his butt with the Constitution, you didn't rise up to fight, but NOW the government is tyrannical?  Oh, right- they want to put in common sense laws!  Seriously, if you hate the government that much... MOBILIZE.  Protest.  Vote.  I attended MANY protests during the years of the Bush junta.  If you need to rely on your popgun against armored swat teams... well first off, you're in the wrong country if you hate America that much and secondly... good luck with that.  Remember me in your will?

And do you REALLY think that the undermanned and underfunded Police or the thinly stretched military are going to come to YOUR house to collect your firearms?  Really?  Because if not them, who would?  "Unarmed tree-hugging hippy liberals?"  "The Government agencies with their black helicopters because there's millions of them funded by the Chinese?"  See how stupid that argument is?

Want a gun?  Follow the laws.  I understand that most people DO follow the laws and WANT common sense laws about guns.  But some still are paranoid about "THEM" coming to shoot them with their illegal gun (cuz them thar criminals don't follow the laws") or the Government taking away their toys. 

Folks, I'm a LOT more worried about my first amendment rights.  Remember the First amendment?  Yeah, the one that comes before the second?  It reads this way:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

That means no state religion (Sorry, Fundamentalists).  It allows peaceably assembling (Occupy Wall Street), and my right to speak my mind.

And contrary to the bumper stickers, the FIRST amendment guarantees the others.  Think a bullet can stop an idea?

Here's some ideas that bullets didn't stop:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Let no one be discouraged by the belief there is nothing one person can do against the enormous array of the world's ills, misery, ignorance, and violence. Few will have the greatness to bend history, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. And in the total of all those acts will be written the history of a generation.”
― Robert F. Kennedy

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”
― Abraham Lincoln

I could keep going on that, but you get the point.  Bullets don't stop ideas.  Ideas move faster than 3000 feet per second.  Ideas live forever and change lives.  Ideas change Nations.


So. There you have it. You know my mind in full.  I have exercised my First Amendment Right.  With every right is a responsibility.  I am responsible for my own views, and any fallout they may cause. 

Do I look Responsible?

Don't agree with me?  Fine.  Intelligent debate is encouraged.  As this is my blog, I set the following as the guidelines for this discussion:
1) Be civil.  Get personal and you're gone.
2) The moment you reference a statistic provided by the NRA or Fox News or a right wing mouthpiece, you lose.  Because you won't be using facts. 
3) Be prepared to cite your sources, because I will cite mine.

Be well!



 

Pallid bust of Pallas

Been away FAR too long.  I'd been counting the minutes until this time...

Out and about again as Myself.  As Sophie.

And this would be my first time out since starting HRT.  It was going to be a memorable night for this chick!  And I dressed like it was a special occasion... which it was!

I was attending one of Jen Bryant's mega-parties at the Raven in New Hope.  She does these every other month, and I've attended a couple.  They're always fun.

I hadn't been out since mid-November.  An Eternity of frustration and patience.  Veteran readers know why I haven't been out, so I won't bore you with the details.

In any case, I made my appointment with Amanda Richards weeks ago.  Spent a while planning my outfit, which in the end was "just" an LBD. 

Ever hear the old adage that a "watched pot never boils?"  Well the days, hours and minutes dragged so slowly. 

Eventually I was on the road to see Amanda.  And not long after, I was looking in the mirror at Me again.  Not the drab false shell, but the REAL me.

So Good to see ME again!

I was invited to dinner by my friend Charlotte and her wonderful wife.  Instead of the Raven, they wanted to go to a different place nearby:  the Cock and Bull.  Joining us were other friends: Jennifur Lynn (yes that's how she spells it), Valentinia Torrelli with her date, Dale. 

A quick word about Valentina.  She's maybe five foot four in heels and weighs less than a wet cocker spaniel.  No one would ever EVER read her as a TG.  Most girls would hate her for being so petite, beautiful, and stylish except for the fact that she's so amazingly nice and considerate.  Everyone loves her!  So she has it all.  Meow.  ;)

In any case, Valentina was a few dozen steps behind Jennifur, Charlotte and myself walking into the restaurant.  We passed a group of elderly women as we entered.  Valentina told me of their comments, which I didn't hear.

As one can see from the picture above, my dress plunged in the front, which showed off the "girls" fairly nicely.  Apparently the ladies were saying "Did you see that girl?"  "That's disgusting!"  "Boobs hanging out like that! She should be ashamed!"  Tramp!"

So I wasn't read as a TG, but as a GG tramp.  Know what?  I'll take that!

A Tramp At Dinner

Dinner was wonderful!  The conversation was terrific as was the food and service.  I had a glass of pinot noir.  Drink number one.

From there it was off to the Raven!  When I arrived, the party was already in full swing.  I re-connected with several people and waited at the bar for my turn.  A guy stood up from his seat at the bar, and another guy moved to take it when the guy leaving said "Hey, let the lady have the seat!  Where's your manners?" while indicating me.  A second guy also chimed in "Yeah, let the lady sit!"  The guy apologized and offered me the seat, which I declined.  I said all I wanted was access to the bar to order a drink.  the man who seated himself offered to buy me a drink, which I declined, but he DID order one for me.  A tall Jack and diet coke.  Drink number two.

So I experienced men treating me like a lady.  I can't tell you how good that felt. 

I circulated about for a bit.  I bumped into Lisa Empanada and her wonderful wife.  Lisa was kind enough to offer her room for me to change back to drab later (as the person with whom I was to share a room caught the flu and didn't make it.)  I bought her a beer for rent. 

As with all Jen Bryant Raven events, there were so many people there.  I was able to talk to Lady Ellen for a bit, which was great.  I also finally met Pat, who reads this blog, but who hasn't commented for a while. Since the election actually...  ;)  We didn't really get a chance to talk, though.  I then had one more Jack and diet coke.  Drink number three.  10 PM.

The evening became a kaleidoscope of people and events.  The GG stripping off her blouse and dancing with just her bra.  The GG who was depressed that my boobs were "bigger and nicer" than hers.  A very tall woman named Jen who defined "Statuesque, raven-tressed, a Goddess of the night."  The usual crowd singing show tunes off key around the piano.

I had so many fun conversations and so much fun!  Total immersion into our Community.  I never felt like anything BUT a Woman. 

I was in heaven!

Oh, I mentioned my "girls" showing.  They received a LOT of attention.  I stopped counting at 100 long looks.  I can't complain, as I WAS showing them off.  Was that the smartest course of action?  Probably not, but I wanted to feel special and feminine.  And I certainly did!

At 1 AM, I bade everyone good night, went to Lisa's room, and changed back to drab.  I hadn't had an alcoholic drink since 10PM.  By the time I left for home, 1:30, it had been three and a half hours since my last drink.  Three drinks, three hours to recover.  Exactly what I needed. 

Next week is Renaissance and Laptop Lounge.  I already have my dress selected, it's just a matter of accessories.  Being out and about again... Bliss.


Oh, in case you don't know, Pallas was a Titan in Greek mythology, killed by Athena.  In this case, the bust is actually of Athena, called "Pallas Athena."  So the Raven sits upon a "disguised" female. (And if you don't know to what the title refers, I'm sending you back to Literature 101 to read many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.)

If you follow, it makes perfect sense.

For a Woman going to The Raven.
 

Arrested VI: The Final Cut

For those of you who haven't been following along (there will be a quiz), here are the other parts of this magnum opus:

Arrested
Arrested II: Preliminary Hearing
Arrested III: Psych Evaluation
Arrested IV: Alcohol Highway Safety School
Arrested V: Judged


Right.  So on December 26, I received a letter from the PENNDOT.  It was my reinstatement, valid on the 27th, and my driver's licence.

On the morning of December 27, I climbed into the driver's seat of my Subaru and drove to work.  And I have to say, it felt great.

My thirty day suspension was OVER!  Done!  Finito!  Fertig!


The whole thing is behind me now.  Nearly five months.

Well, not quite over.  There's applying for my record expungement in six months.  Then there's the whole TEN YEARS of never being caught again.  I can manage that.

A lot can happen in five months.  I learned that sobriety isn't an issue for me.  I didn't miss drinking.  Many many people expressed their support, for which I am very grateful. 

Am I still sober?  No.  As I planned, on Dec 29, I rose a glass to toast a departed friend.  I had two glasses of champagne on New years eve.  A glass of wine with dinner the other night.  Nothing even close to what I used to drink.

Some people would look back on this and say "Bad luck" and just go right on their way.  I've met people like that.  Some were in the DUI class I attended.  Me?  I see this as a Life Lesson.

I broke the law.  I pled guilty to this crime.  The Commonwealth gave me my penalty, and I served it.  It SUCKED, but I served it.  (What would be the deterrent if it didn't suck?) 

I NEVER EVER want to go through this again. 

Mirrors Hide Nothing

To ensure this, I had to take a hard look at myself, and my life.  I'm used to looking into the mirror and not liking what I see.  Most Transpeople have this issue.  I also see every little fault in my life; every misstep, every wound I've unintentionally caused others, every hypocrisy.  And this?  This was more than a misstep.

I could've killed someone due to my stupidity.  Or worse.

I remember my friend who died in my arms back in the 1980s, his last breath gurgling blood.  His last words on this plane addressed to me.  "Don't let me..."  The bubbles of blood from his mouth as his last breath left his body.  His car was crushed by a drunk driver.  

And I could've done that to someone else.  To someone I've never met.

Trust me when I say that if I had done this, I would not be breathing now.  I could not have lived with it.


I have a second chance.  God gave it to me.  The Commonwealth gave it to me.  My friends have given it to me.  Now I have to not only accept it, but take it.  And be worthy of it.


Those are the lessons I learned.  That I needed to change, and that maybe I'm worthy of that second chance. 

Relics

It's amazing the lessons life gives us at the strangest of times.  It's even more amazing the value people put on the littlest things.

There's a scene in the the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where Indiana Jones is drunk in a bar, having just watched a truck carrying Marion explode.  In the bar, he is confronted by his rival, Belloq, who says something rather profound.

"Look at this... it's worthless... ten dollars from a vendor in the street.  But I take it, bury it in the sand for a thousand years, it becomes priceless..."

Most people have something in their lives that are worthless to everyone but themselves.  A photo, a lock of hair, a drawing by their child... something.

I'm a sentimental person.  In many ways, I could shed almost all by possessions and be happy.  But there a few things that matter to me a great deal.

Sentimental Value.

What some people see as junk to me can be priceless.  An example is an estate sale.  I've been to a few of these, usually of soldiers.  Their children have no use for most of the items the soldiers collected during the war.  To them, it's nothing.  To that soldier, it was probably a reminder not just of the war, but of friends lost and friendships that endured.

For some people, those relics are a gold mine, as militaria can be quite valuable.  I see the objects as History, and, when I acquire one, that I am just it's steward through my time here.

One of my pieces.  This is a Princess Mary Brass Tobacco Tin, Christmas 1914

What made me think of this (finally to the point, right?) was this past weekend.  I went to a gathering of old friends.  It was a "second wake" for one friend who died a year ago, but one of us was in China and couldn't attend the funeral.  He returned for a few weeks, so we had this gathering.  It was fun, yet subdued.  We did this at a local hotel, and I booked a room for the night. 

Several people brought beer.  As I have a bottle opener on my house key ring (I keep my car keys separate), I had those out and on the table holding the iced down beers.  Simple enough.

So we were all there, playing games, having fun until the wee hours (rare for people our age- but we used to play cards until dawn all the time in our youth.)  At the end of the night, I gave my winnings, meager as they were, to the host as part of my payment for the conference room, and went to bed.

It wasn't until I arrived home the next morning that I discovered that I'd left my house keys back at the hotel.  A few frantic phone calls later, they weren't found, so I went back to the hotel and checked the conference room, where I found them on the floor next to my chair.  So I found them.

Ok, so I lost my keys.  So what?

The key ring itself was given to me in high school by a friend.  It attached to another key ring given to me by another friend in 1983.  But most important to me- precious beyond price- was a little piece of metal hanging on that keyring.  It maybe cost $2 back in the early 1970s when it was first purchased.  Maybe an inch in diameter.  Steel.

It's a dog tag.  Really from a dog.  I'll call him S.

S was the family dog as I was growing up- one of two dogs we had.  One of them died in 1979 leaving S as the only pet.  He was a pure breed German Shepherd, and was big for his breed.  There were many times in my childhood that he was my only friend. 

S died of cancer in August 1983.  He was 11.  I was 16.  His death threw me into my first major depression, which lasted months.

I took his tag from his collar and put it on my key chain, where it remains to this very day.

The Tag.  Rear View. The front has S's name and the address where I grew up.

Nearly thirty years. There aren't many things I've had that long.  Less than five, I think.  That tag was with me through the end of high school, all the way through college, through the turbulent years after college and all the way through my "adult" life since getting married.  Actually to think of it- I stopped dressing as a woman around that time- summer of 1983. 

So there it was, on my key ring that I lost.  Keys?  I can have them copied.  The key rings themselves?  Well, in the end, they're just key rings given to me by people I haven't seen or spoken to in years.  But that Dog tag?  I was so afraid I'd lost it.

So if it's so important to me, why do I keep it on my key ring where I can easily lose it?  Why not frame it with a picture of the dog? 

"S", circa 1981

That's a really good question.  Maybe because it's always been on that key ring?  Maybe I draw just a tiny bit of comfort knowing it's there?

My current dog, "N,"  is 12.  She's in good health, but that could change quickly (as it did with S.)  She's the first dog I've had since S died, and we found her at an animal rescue shelter in 2000.  N is a German shepherd mutt.  My parents never got another pet, but really love when I bring N to visit them.  They seemed happier to see her than me before my daughter was born.  Now it's all about her.  I'm just the transport method for my daughter and dog. 

"N"

Someday, hopefully not soon, N will pass as well.  And Her tag will join S's on my key ring.  It's my way of honoring their memory and keeping even a small part of them with me, I suppose.

And if my wife and I ever have a house without her mom in it, we will again have pets.  Cats for my Wife, and another dog for me (but only after N passes.)

We all keep our memories one way or the other.  Some we bury, or try to.  Others we desperately cling to, as they are the bright points that keep us going even when things are at their darkest.

My teens were a very dark time.  Were there some good memories?  Yes of course, a few.  S was one of the few bright spots.  N is currently a bright spot, and I'm happy to say I am in a far better place now than I was in my teens.  I have accepted who I am- that I am a Woman.  And my Wife accepts it.  I have friends who understand and accept me, which I didn't have as a teen.

Acceptable?

My acceptance of who I am took a long, long time.  And getting to my eventual destination will also take time, and be very rough. 


If having a dog tag reliquary helps me along this path, so be it.



 

Trivial Things 2: Electric Boogaloo

Back in early September 2011, I posted an entry called "Trivial Things."  The idea was to give people a little background on myself.  Well, since that entry, my subscriber list and views have more than doubled (Thank you!!!), so I thought I'd revise and update the entry.  You can find the original HERE.

So here's the updated trivia and minutia. 


My original femme name was Lisa Anne. (I’m not counting Lois Lane, which was my Halloween costume that fateful Halloween night.) Under that name, I set up my Yahoo account, which is why my Yahoo addy still has that name. I have since changed that email address to reflect reality.  And my real name- Sophie.


I changed my name in December of 2008. I went to Femme Fever for my first ever makeover and photo session. Karen asked about my name, and I said it was open to discussion. She looked at me (I was blonde and dressed in a red dress) and said “You should be Sophie. I have a strong feeling about this. You are Sophie.” I never ignore strong feelings. I have been Sophie ever since. I added Lynne because I like the sound of it.

Picture from my first session

My first night at Renaissance was December 2008 as well. I didn’t wear makeup. I felt like a fool. At Laptop Lounge after, I wasn’t aware there was a cover. Jone payed it for me. I have bought her many drinks since.

My first time as Sophie in a “non-safe” place was at a rest stop in New York State in 2010. My friend Jen stopped and dragged me in. It was a rest stop/mall. I was nervous as hell!

Me at that rest stop

My first night out as a woman (Halloween 2008), my breasts were birdseed in cut pantyhose. I learned this trick from the internet. I have become a bit better at doing breasts.

Showing off

I had a MySpace page for quite some time as Sophie, but have since cancelled it. I wasn’t using it and I didn’t need it out there waiting to bite me.

Back then, I wrote that I always dreamed of going to a casino and sitting at the tables as Sophie. I have since done this!  At the last Keystone Conference I played and won, and looked great doing it!  ;) Someday…VEGAS!

At the Casino that night

Since the original post, so much has changed!

I told my wife about being transgendered.  She didn't throw me out as I feared.  Also, I recently started HRT.  I go out as much as I can, and while I'm still scared, I don't let it rule my life.  After all, if this is how I'm going to live...

For example, I went to a Phillies game.  I was so scared... but nothing happened.  Except that the Phillies lost in extra innings.  Sigh.

The other significant event in my life was being arrested for DUI.  As of this morning, that is all behind me.  I know the experience changed me... a LOT.  And I think I'm a better person for it. 

In the original post, I stated that it’s the little trivia that makes experiences. Moments and experiences build to make up a life. And it’s this life that I write about here in an effort to understand it all. I still maitain that as a Truth.  Writing here has helped me a lot, and I hope it's helped others as well.  If it has, I'd be deeply honored. 

I've also made some new and cherished friends- people whom I have known less than a year, but who I now couldn't live without.  Other there are friends with whom I have deepened my bonds.

Was my who/whom usage correct?  Screw it, I'm not going to look it up.

What does my future hold?  I wish I knew.  A year ago if you told me that by New Years 2013, I'd be on hormones with my wife's knowledge and approval, and still living under the same roof, I would've wondered what kind of drugs you were taking.  If you told me I'd be arrested for DUI, I would've nodded.  It was inevitable, after all. 

So where will I be next year? 

Oh, I think I'll write about that in another entry.

Yes, I'm a Tease.  Get over it.  ;)






 

Traditions

As I type this, the sun is setting on Christmas Day.  (Maybe I'll even finish this today as well.)

Christmas is THE holiday here in the US.  It's so big there are stores dedicated to it year 'round.  John Stewart once said (paraphrasing) that Christmas has already conquered Thanksgiving and Halloween is next!  And I think he's right.

As my loyal readers know (and welcome to number 53, whomever you are!), my favorite holiday is Halloween.  Christmas is near the bottom of my list.  Lots of reasons, most of which deal with family issues.

Family is one of the topics today but only as vehicle so to speak.

Tradition.

There are those who would say that liberals like myself are anti-Tradition, to which I say "you obviously don't know liberals."  And if all they watch is Fox News, they don't.

I am quite bound to many traditions.

There are so many Penn State traditions that I can't even count them all.  Then my own little related tradition of listening to Quadrophenia when going to Penn State.  And when I visit Penn State, there are a few places I go without fail.  To remember.

As a my mum is a Scot, my family had a couple of traditions we followed (not many, as my staunchly conservative dad thinks any and all such traditions are BS.)  Certain meals to celebrate certain days and all that.

Most families have traditions of some sort.  As do organizations.  Some are called rituals.

My wife and I started our own Christmas tradition when we lived in Baltimore.  This was back around 1998 when we bought our first (and only) house.  Most of the people that worked with me were also not from Maryland, and had no family in the area.  I forgot where the idea came from, but we decided that we'd invite these people over to join in our Christmas eve.

My wife's family had a couple of traditions for Christmas eve that I actually liked.  They would gather on Christmas Eve when they would make a bunch of munchies and appetizers and graze as they watched "A Christmas Story."

 It was quiet and fun.  And I love that movie.

So this is what we invited these "orphans" to attend.  And many said they would.  BYOB.

Christmas eve came, and it snowed.  Hard.  I forgot how much, but I want to say a foot before dawn of Christmas day.  But still, many of the people came.   I remember drinking wine by candlelight and looking out the door to the deck.  I turned on the deck light so we could watch the snow swirl and fall in the wind. 

It's one of the memories of Baltimore that I cherish.

At around midnight everyone went home, despite the drink and storm, and despite the invitation to stay the night. 

And Wife and I sat on our couch, finishing our wine while Frank Sinatra sang Christmas Carols and the tree light blinked in the darkened room. 

Every year since then, even after moving back to Pennsylvania, we have continued this tradition: the "Orphan's Christmas Eve."  We've had as many as ten, and as few as two. 

It's the only Christmas tradition I like and follow.

And this year it didn't happen. 

This year, five people were invited.  One, a pilot, was called into work for a flight to Tampa.  Another, a co-worker in the retail store where I work, was exhausted after the long day dealing with people, and begged off.  The last two, former co-workers, also decided not to come, as it was snowing and they'd heard from the current co-worker how absolutely exhausted I was.  And I really was!

So it was myself, Wife, her mother and my daughter who grazed on appetizers and watched the movie. 

I was a little upset that the tradition was broken, but I was bone tired and grumpy.  Besides, part of the tradition (for me) was getting very drunk, as I didn't have to drive.

I didn't drink this year.  God knows I wanted to, as the weeks running up the Christmas were HELL on Earth at the store.  But I'd promised my wife that I wouldn't until my full sentence was served for the DUI.  I keep my promises.

So this morning was the first Christmas in many years that I awoke without a hangover (an unfortunate Christmas tradition for me.)

Now the sun has set on another Christmas.  My daughter is in bed after a long, hard day of playing.  As it should be.

And I am here trying to put everything into perspective.

Perhaps next year we'll restart the tradition of "Orphan's Christmas Eve."  Or maybe it'll wait until we move into our own place.  Or maybe we'll start a new tradition.

After all, traditions, new and old, bind us to all which has come before us and are a way of passing these things to those that come after us. 

For example, wouldn't it be wonderful if more people passed a tradition of Tolerance onto their children? 

Sounds like a Christmas Wish come true.


We can hope, can't we?

After all, when you strip it to its core- this IS the season of Hope.

And Peace.

 

Thoughts on a Solstice Night

Yesterday was the Winter Solstice.  That's when I started typing this.  And I was so happy that the Doctor saved us all from the Mayan Threat that I celebrated and didn't finish this last night.

In any case, it's now winter in Pennsylvania.  And the world didn't end.  Unless you're a parent of one of twenty children in Connecticut.  But that's not my point tonight.


I used to celebrate the Solstice, especially the summer one.  I would go to Valley Forge Park with a bottle of wine and a Grateful Dead CD on a small boom box, and enjoy watching the sun set.  It was peaceful and a moment just for me to enjoy and to realize the beauty and majesty of our world.  I haven't done that in years though.  Not since my daughter was born.

Some people believe that the Solstice has power.  The winter solstice is the Longest Night of the year, and was thought to bring rejuvenation.

Who am I to say otherwise? 

In any case, winter is here, and Christmas is almost upon us.  At my retail job, we've been busy as hell.  Go figure.  People get ruder every year.  Today alone, two of my coworkers were reduced to tears by the rudeness of customers.

Our store is near the Main Line.  We get lots of really rich folks.  Old money.  Furs and diamonds bigger than my head.  I have come to the conclusion that they don't see retail workers as human.  We live to serve them, and that is all.  We are tools to bend to their wishes.

Anyway.

The HRT is going well.  I've had a couple mood swings, but nothing major.  No boobs yet.  ;)

I get my drivers license back in five days.  First thing I'm going to do is go visit my friend Kalina, who just had GCS.  I'm so happy for her, and not a little jealous.

A little Photoshop fun from last week

So I have a lot on my mind.  I could go into the whole fiscal cliff or gun control topics, but I'm just too damn tired.  I worked over 70 hours this week, and I'm worn out.

I have Christmas day off.  That's my next time I can rest.  If my wife's whole family allow this, as they're all visiting.

May that day bring you happiness, peace, and fun, whether you celebrate it or not.

Be well.




 

How do you make a Hormone?

Last Monday, December 10, was another rainy, cold day in Philly.

But, in my life, a Great one.  A significant one.

 On December 10, I started HRT.

Me- on Estrogen.  Becoming a woman in body as well as mind.

A dream come true.

Gratuitous Sophie Pic

That morning, my "big sister" Mel picked me up extra early, as my appointment was at 9 am, and traffic into Philly is always brutal.  She drove because my license is still suspended.  We arrived down at the Mazzoni center area at 7:30.  As Mel knows the area well, she led me to a really nice coffee shop she likes.  I had diet coke.  We sat and talked for a bit about current events, and about the future.

At 9 AM, I checked in at the Mazzoni Center for my 9:15 appointment.  Within minutes, I was in a small examination room, waiting for Dr. Goodman.  They are quite efficient there.

Dr. Goodman came in, and asked me a few questions.  He went over the possible risks of HRT and asked if I understood them.  I signed consent forms.  He emailed my prescription to the Walgreens next door.  I normally don't use Walgreens, but this one gets all drugs at a discount, and by Me paying normal price, the difference goes to help pay for others who don't have insurance.

So by paying normal price, I get to help others.  Win-win.

After picking up the drugs, Mel drove us out of the city.  The deal was that she drives, I pay for parking and lunch.  As it was still too early for lunch, we decided to head toward our home area and eat at the King of Prussia mall.  We walked around for a while, then went to California Pizza Kitchen.

She then drove me home, where I read the information that came with the drugs.  Estrodiol and an androgen blocker: Spiro.

I sat at my computer, and, after doing a little online research into the drugs as well, I opened the bottles and put the prescribed dose in my hand.  The pills are tiny.  One blue, one white.

Blue and White.  How appropriate for a Penn State gal.  :)

Then, I downed the pills with water.  And like that, my future quietly began.

I haven't felt any effects yet, nor did I expect to.  The dosage is low.  This is just to see if my body can handle it.  But I've started. 

So it was third weekend this weekend.  That means Renaissance and Laptop Lounge.  My wife made it clear that she didn't want me out late.  But I NEED my Sophie time.

Once again, thanks to Mel, we reached a solution.

Mel invited me over for dinner.  Wife dropped me off.  Once inside Mel's place, I changed to Sophie clothes.  I wore my purple sweater and a long denim skirt- an outfit I've worn before.

Conservative, Feminine, and Warm!

Mel made lasagna and we watched Blood Simple.  Both were great!

After dinner, I changed back to drab, and Mel drove me to the King of Prussia mall.  We went to Blue Pacific and hung out there for a while.  Then, at 10 PM as arraigned, my wife picked me up from the mall.  We then watched TV for a little while.  So I got a LITTLE Sophie time, and was out and briefly saw some of my friends. 


Then the next day it was back to the hell of retail during the holidays.

As of this writing- 10 days left until I can drive again.  I can't wait!

And now a full week into HRT.  A new dawn. 

Oh, and the answer to the question posed in the title?  "Don't pay her."

Don't forget to tip your waitress!


 

Who?

I've always said that you can tell a lot about a person by the books they read and the music to which they listen.  Same goes for a generation, but not so much.  I mean, the generation that gave us Get Together and All you need is Love also gave us George W. Bush and Mitt Romney.  And they aren't outliers.

My generation came of age in the 1980s.  The Decade of Greed.  So for us it's no wonder we got a Paul Ryan.  After all, we're the generation of Material Girl and Money Changes Everything.

That said, we're kind of lucky as many great groups from the 50s and 60s were still producing new work. 

Three of my all time favorites were from the 60s.  The Rolling Stones, the Grateful Dead, and the Who.

I'm going to focus on the Who.  Their music spoke to me like none before or since.

The Who circa 1970s: Pete, Roger, Keith, John

The principal songwriter for the Who is their guitar player, Pete Townshend.  His lyrics spoke to the insecure teen inside of me, and still do.

I feel I'm being followed, 
My head is empty,
Yet every word I say turns out a sentence.
"Is it in My head?" Quadrophenia

I've always maintained that there are two great meditations in Rock music on adolescence.  The first is Pink Floyd's the Wall, but even more so is the Who's Quadrophenia. 

Funny how they're both about insanity.

In any case, Quadrophenia is my favorite Who record, and one of my top 3 records of all time.  (Don't ask about the other two as they tend to change.)  Why?  It may as well have been written about me instead of a pill-popping Mod in 1962.  The themes of isolation and disillusionment are universal, and still connect with people today.

I knew about the Who growing up.  I remember I was in 5th grade when the rumor went around that Peter Criss of Kiss had died, but it wasn't him- it was Keith Moon of the Who.  Drug overdose.  But my first REAL exposure to the Who came while riding in a friend's car when I was 15 and "My Generation" came on WMMR.  I was blown away by the power and the self righteous anger.  After a bit I figured out that Pete wasn't writing about age as a number, but as an attitude (which he was nice enough to confirm for me in his recent book.)

Not long after that, I discovered Tommy and Who's Next.  It wasn't until college that I discovered Quadrophenia.  It was the perfect time.  I was questioning so many things about my life, and feeling extremely isolated.  Then there was that whole "trying to submerge my feminine side" thing.  The first time I listened to it end to end was the first time I drove to Penn State. 

I was hooked!

Every year is the same
And I feel it again,
I'm a loser - no chance to win.
Leaves start falling,
Come down is calling,
Loneliness starts sinking in.
"I'm the One"

Ever since then, whenever I drive up to Penn State, I always listen to Quadrophenia.  It's tradition.  And if no one is in the car with me, I listen to it very loud.  ;)

I remember when a high school friend of mine, who is also a HUGE Who fan, figured out how to play "I'm the One" on her guitar.  She played it for me beautifully.  It's not an easy song!  It's one of my favorite memories from way back when.

And so the album has been part of life since almost thirty years. 

In that time, I've seen the Who twice (1989, 2000), Roger Daltrey solo twice (1985, 1994) and Pete solo once (1993).  Both times the Who played 5:15 and Love Reign O'er me.  Roger did those songs on his solo tours as well.  Pete didn't.  He played "Drowned."

 Then I heard that the Who were coming around one last time, and this time they were going to play Quadrophenia in it's entirety.  They did this before, back in 1996/7 with a full orchestra.  I wasn't able to see that tour for various reasons, the biggest being money.

I mentioned to my Wife that they were coming and she bought us both tickets as a combination birthday/Christmas gift to me.  Yay!

The concert was Saturday, December 8 at the Wells Fargo Center in Philly. 

I worked that morning, which was a cold and rainy day.  After my wife picked me up from work (I'm still on my driver license suspension) I had a few hours to kill, so i did some work around the house and took a nap.  I went to the concert in drab (sigh) , wearing a Who shirt sent to me by a cousin in Scotland.

And when a man is trying to change
But only causes further pain
You realize that all along
Something in us going wrong
You stop dancing.
"Helpless Dancer"

We left at 6 to go to the show, which was to start at 8.  Philly is normally a 45 minute drive with traffic. 

Well, at the same sports complex on the same day was the Army Navy game.    That, combined with the rain, meant massive traffic tie ups.  We eventually arrived and headed in at pretty much 8 on the dot.  We heard music.  As I hadn't heard of any warm up band, I was a little worried.  On our way in, we passed WMMR DJ Pierre Robert interviewing people, which meant there was a huge knot of people standing around.

Both Wife and I had to use the bathroom, so that wasn't a welcome sight.

Eventually we got through and found restrooms.  We then had to circle the arena to find our section.  That's when we learned that the music we heard WAS an opening act:  Vintage Trouble.

They were a blues/soul fusion, and they were Great!  Lots of fun to watch as well as hear.

There was a little time between acts, and the lights came on.  I looked around at the crowd.

I won't say the crowd was old, but instead of passing around joints, they were passing around Geritol.  *rimshot*

I've seen less bald heads in a cancer ward. *rimshot*  *groans from audience*

Thank you!  I'm here all week!  Tip your waitresses!

Look at all the rich folks!

The stage was set up with a screen behind it, and five video screens above.  The middle three were round, and either end was rectangular.  The rectangular ones always showed closeups of the band.  The others didn't. 

At about 9, the lights dimmed, all five screens lit up, and the opening strains of "The Real Me" fought the cheers of the crowd.  On the three middle and one back screen were scenes of the mod era, vintage photos of the band, and other symbols from the music.  During the two instrumental parts the video showed a history of the world from the end of World war II until the present day from the lens of the band.

Pete and Roger wore white.  The rest of the band wore black (except the drummer, Zack Starkey, wore blue.)  I'm guessing there was a symbolism there, as those two were the survivng original members of the group.

Everyone sang along to all of the songs.  I did as well.   I knew all the words, as I'd lived them all.

Halfway through that part of the show came the song 5:15.  At the other end of my row was an older guy, in his 60s I think, and his much younger date.  I have no idea how old she was, as her body said "twenty" and her face showed LOTS of mileage.  Her body was amazing!  Meow.  Anyway, she stood and started dancing in such a way that no one could mistake her profession.  She was an "exotic dancer" and she had the moves!  She made it quite clear whom she was with by the way she waved her butt at his face.  When the song ended, she sat, and all the guys in the section behind her cheered.

After Quadrophenia, the band stopped for a few minutes to soak in the standing ovation and introduce the players.  Both Pete and Roger made a few comments, the started in on some of the greatest hits.  Roger's voice sounded strained the entire concert and instead of going for many of the high notes, he "flattened" them blues style.  Some of the songs were also played in different keys to accommodate him.  During the second part, Roger sometimes held the microphone to the audience and let them sing.

I'll admit, it was an odd moment watching a bunch of rich 50-60 years olds singing "TEENAGE WASTELAND" at the top of their lungs.  But I was as well.  After all, we'd all survived our teens and understood the message.


The main set concluded with the traditional "Won't Get Fooled Again."  At the end of the song, Roger is supposed to let loose a soul curdling scream.  I think that this night, it was pre-recorded.  No shame in that- his voice is in tatters.

After that, the band left the stage, leaving Roger and Pete.  Pete grabbed an acoustic guitar, and he and Roger played the song that closed their final album Endless Wire.  It was the only song in which few sang along:  Tea and Theater.   It was quiet and intimate and a wonderful farewell.

At the end of the show, I was absolutely thrilled.  I'd seen the Who again, this time with my wife, and it was a great show.

I guess the image that I'll always remember from this show was one during the song "Is it in My head?"  I looked to my right, and a in the aisle a couple rows ahead of me was a man in his late 50s/ early 60s.  He was balding and way overweight.  There he was, back arched, eyes closed, bellowing the words to the song as if he were alone in the shower.  Lost in the music that means so much to him.

As was I.