I Told My Wife

Finally.

After months of preparation and planning.  Of expecting the worst and Hoping for the best.

I waited until my mother-in-law was away (she lives with us.)  When she's away, my wife is much more human.  Mother in Law (MIL) went away for a two week cruise, so it was just us.

Ok, so let's go down the checklist.  Backup place to stay?  Check.  Health insurance purchased?  Check. Format of talk in mind and rehearsed?  Check.  Told my therapist and Big Sister I was going to do this?  Check.  Money?  Ummm...

Ok, so when?

I worked both jobs all week except Friday.  I wanted to be able to stay up late and talk as long as necessary (I wake up at 5 AM for work) so it had to be Thursday.

So, date set?  Check.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Last Time Out

As the week went on, my stomach tied itself into more knots than a Boy Scout manual.  (Ok, that was a cheesy metaphor).  I felt physically sick from worry.  I paid a lot more attention to my daughter and my dog as I felt this would be the end with living with them under the same roof.

You see, as my long suffering readers will remember, I know my wife's mind on Transgenderism.  She is a strict Catholic and thinks that TG people are an abomination.  So, I made the logical assumption that she'd throw my ass out.

Scary.

But I was tired of the lies.  More than tired.  I couldn't look in the mirror, in drab OR as a woman, without seeing a Liar.  A False person.  People I respect didn't respect me, as I was a Liar.

I couldn't move forward with my life until I removed this roadblock from my mind and even from my soul. 

Thursday.  I worked both jobs.  Came home.  I'd wait until after my daughter went to bed.  My hands were visibly shaking.  I spent the time posting on Facebook and to my support groups and even on Second Life that I'd be doing this.

Facebook:
"Tonight, assuming I don't lose my nerve, I am going to tell my wife about Sophie.


God help me.


So by midnight, odds are I will be homeless. But the lies will have stopped."

I texted like a thirteen year old girl with my Sisters.  They gave me encouragement. 

My facebook post got 25 Likes and 49 Messages of Support.  And each one gave me Courage. 

Wife wanted a shower after daughter was in bed.  So I waited.  And being Me, I drank.  Jack and Cokes.  Tall.  Double shot.  I also had a bottle of wine opened for the both of us.  The shower stopped running.  I texted my Big Sis: "Show time."

We sat in our living room.  I poured wine for us both.  I closed the door so any loud sounds wouldn't wake our daughter. 

I told her I wanted to talk about something important to me, and I asked her not to speak until I could get it all out.  Told her that I'd been hurting since I was four, knowing I was different.  I told her that I thought I had it beat after suppressing it for over twenty years and then She returned.

I told her about Sophie.  That inside me was a Woman. 

And that I had been lying.

And that because I lied because I feared she would throw me out.

I told her everything.  Tears ran down her face.  My legs were shaking so much I folded them under me.  I told her about Renaissance and about going out and about the Conferences and that my therapist is one of the leading minds on TG issues. 

And I stopped, and told her I was finished talking. 

She put down her wine glass and said:

"Could you put down your glass so I can hug you?"

I didn't marry an idiot.  She knew something was up.  My stories didn't always match up.  (I'm not a good liar.)  She thought I was having an affair, or that I was planning to leave.

I told her if it was an affair then I am the other woman.

We hugged and we cried.

She asked questions and I answered them.  I did my best not to overwhelm her with details.  She didn't ask for pics and I didn't volunteer them.  I told her that I didn't know where in the gray area of gender that I belonged and that I still needed to find that out.  I told her that no one knew but my therapist, my Sisters, and one other person, and that I needed to keep my feminine side secret to keep my jobs.  And that MIL could never know.  She agreed- MIL would definitely not understand. 

So.  She said she didn't UNDERSTAND, but she can ACCEPT.  And she thanked me for telling her and that her mind was much more at ease.

We toasted, and watched the new Muppet Movie.

Then she went to bed, and I finished the bottle. 

Cheers! (picture courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge)

The following morning, I woke up with a hangover.  And like a good cliched story, the sun shone through the window.  She and I talked a bit during the day on the phone as she was working.  She thanked me again for telling her. 

I posted the good news on Facebook.

"So. I told my wife. I'm still trying to process this.

We both cried.

She is supportive. She doesn't understand, but sees I am in pain and forgives the lies.

Tonight I sleep in my own bed.

Knowing

KNOWING

that my Sisters were there for me, giving me of their strength.

I can't thank you enough- all of you.

Thank you."

And got 29 Likes.  33 Messages of advice and encouragement.  The replies to these two posts were so wonderful!  I never realized how much people Cared!  I am still blown away.  And I can't thank all of my Sisters enough!



Now it's two days later.  And my life is completely different.  I'm out from under the cloud of lies and I feel, well, liberated. 

Now it's time to sort out my next step on this path. 

And I'll tell all of you about it, each step of the way! 

Happy Woman.

(Picture copyright Cassandra Storm photography.  Used with permission)