As you can imagine, dear reader, there are many posters hanging about the university. Advertisements of all kinds for different classes, programs and events are everywhere. Unlike my day, they aren't confined to the occasional corkboard, as there are now electronic posters with shifting pictures, circles and arrows and a paragraph on... sorry. Started channeling Arlo Guthrie again.
Yesterday was one of those events advertised. The center where I work held an LGBT all campus welcome jawn in a large sweaty hall in the student union. It was quite the success, with a lot of people coming, many organizations tabling, and free food (including Swedish meatballs, brie, and chicken amoretto. Not mixed together.) There was music as well, but all I could hear was the bass line and drums, as I was on the other side of the room.
In any case, during the event, I had to run down to the center, which was two floors down. As I walked, I saw a poster that caused me to pause.
"BECOME AN EMT"
As long time victims, I mean readers of this blog know, in my youth I was a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician (EMT.) I would eventually become a Paramedic, but that doesn't matter. I volunteered with an ambulance and a rescue squad.
As I wrote in a previous entry: "Doing this work radically changed some of my thinking back then. Back when so many people my age thought they were invincible, I looked death in the face. I watched friends die. I saw things that hurt and haunt me to this day. What does that do to someone still in adolescence? Well, it makes us less fun at parties for one thing. It puts things in perspective as well. And for someone who carried the Dark Secret I had inside of me? Yes, I have PTSD. Not just from the Paramedic days, but from repressing my Truth and swallowing my Pain."
All true. I still think of what I saw every day. I think about the people who I tried to help, but couldn't. When I sleep, I have consistent nightmares of helplessness and failure.
So why in the world would that poster give me pause... and cause me to consider re-certifying my EMT certification? My EMT and other certifications ran out decades ago (I keep my CPR current when I can get a course.) Well, at first glance, I figured that the course might be free, as it would be paid by the University in exchange for service on the University Ambulance. Fair trade. And beside, ambulance work, while not easy, was nowhere near as traumatic as rescue work. Usually not as bloody. In fact, in the old days, they were a lot of routine transports. But here were also heart attacks, births, strokes, and suicides. The ones that still haunt me from those are the suicides- one in particular.
I can't say I regret letting my certifications expire. At the time, I'd met wife, had a steady job, and was ready to move on from that work. I still stop at accidents when I came upon them (one day I'll have to tell the story of the Christmas accident in Delaware) if no ambulance had yet arrived. I like to fool myself, once in a while, that I still make a difference. Heck, I'm considering donating my old helmet to a museum! (Spring Ford Historical Society)
Is it a desire to reclaim my lost youth? Do I miss the adrenaline rush? Not really. The fact is that in my middle age I feel useless. I want to make a difference again- directly- in a way that I can see.
But then those pesky facts get in the way. I'm really in no physical condition to run ambulance (not that many ambulance people I met are paragons of physical fitness) due to my back, hip, and knees- which were partially destroyed in the rescue days of my youth. Also, I looked into the program- it isn't free. Like my undergrad days, they are for-credit courses, which means tuition: $726 per credit hour. It's a four credit course, so... $2904. That's too rich for my blood... and bank account. If I had that money, there are other things I'd need to do first. Like pay bills. Or send my mum's ashes to Scotland. Or...
In any case, I guess my mind is writing checks that my body (and sanity) can no longer cash. I already have enough bad dreams and flashback. I think that, in this case, it's best to let this "opportunity" go.
Be well.
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