Drove up to Penn State Tuesday- full of Hope (when will I ever learn?) I was meeting with my advisor to find out why I'd received nothing from the Student Aid office about my fellowship. I needed THAT to get an apartment up there, seeing that I'd been unemployed for over a year.
My appointment was at 1. I arrived at 11, stopped at an apartment complex, then to downtown State College for a quick lunch at Baby's. My friend Michaela was there. Great seeing her.
Went to my appointment. Well, I understood that I had a fellowship (full ride). Nope. Refused. Nothing. No money. If I want to go for my doctorate, unlike EVERYONE (and I do mean EVERYONE) else I'd ever known who went for their PhD, I would have to pony up the cash first. Is this because I made waves already? I'll come back to this.
On the way back from PSU, my mind was swirling. I was maybe three quarters home when, at the Morgantown exit of the PA Turnpike, I encountered a serious two car accident. Debris was all over the road.
I slowed down (I had to- so much debris) and yelled over to the first car to ask if anyone was injured. There were, so I pulled over and ran back to that car. At this point, I didn't see the second car.
Car 1 was hit from behind coming onto the highway. It rolled four times before coming to rest almost perpendicular to the side of the road. All airbags deployed. In the car were a young mother, father, and a young toddler. The toddler was in the baby seat when it happened, and had superficial bruising from the restraints, and a bump on the head, probably from flying debris. Mom had head injury (concussion?) and an injured ankle. She kept calling and texting people. Dad had superficial cuts that, while bleeding, were not bad. All three ended up being transported to the hospital. They were the first group to whom I went.
Eyewitnesses (a mom and daughter who pulled over) said there was a second car, that they thought sped off. I looked down the road, and saw a car pulled over on the left, and a tractor trailer pulled over on the right further down. There was a burly man standing outside the car. After stabilizing the young mom, I ran down to the other car. That man was the truck driver, on the phone with 911. The driver of Car 2 was trapped.
He had a nasty bloody head injury, and a broken nose. The windshield had a large star indicating his head hit it. No airbag. He was conscious, and also kept calling people. He told me not to open the driver side door as he was leaning on it (not that I had room to open it.)he told me his hip hurt, and by the angle, I saw that it was broken. Blood and debris were everywhere. I crawled into this car to help. My dress was covered with blood and car fluids. I stayed in that car, trying to stop the bleeding and keeping him talking until the rescue squad came. "Rescue 69" had been in service than less than a month, and it was shiny. (The station number was 69.)
The rescue squad had to rip the roof off to get him out. They were still removing him from the car when I pulled away.
It's been a while since I've seen injuries that bad. I was shaken.
I remained calm when told I didn't get the fellowship. I remained calm while speaking to student aid. I remained calm while at the accident scene. I remained calm through play rehearsal that night...
And after rehearsal, I got in my car and lost it. I cried my eyes out. My hands were shaking badly. I had a blinding headache. I cried intermittently through the night.
So, I was informed that despite what I was told previously, I did not receive a fellowship from PSU. That means if I want to go for my PSU, I need to pay. At least this year.
My whole going for this was contingent on me being paid to go. To me, that meant that they WANTED me there- that they thought I and my studies were worthwhile. Now, I'm just another paying customer.
There are 3 major considerations now. In reverse order:
3) Linda. Uprooting her to the middle of nowhere, where she, like me, would be starting over. She was considering transitioning to full time while there.
2) Would the time/money be worth it? Will I be able to find a job? Will my research really make a difference? Or will I be an overeducated retail worker?
1) I see Wife and Daughter maybe once a week. I've missed so much of my daughter's childhood. If I go, I'll see them maybe once a month. If that. Wife is not a huge fan of State College.
So. The paradigm has shifted. I've gone from "Yes, come here because we REALLY want you" to "meh. You got the money, we'll take it." I'll be putting myself deeper in debt. And for what? A long shot. Hail Mary.
I really have no idea what to do now. I'd always dreamed of teaching at PSU. That dream was going to come true. Now, not so much. I can hear a familiar voice in my head telling me how worthless I am, and how I should just forget it because I'll never be good enough. In harmony with that is my own inner monologue saying "why f**king bother? It's not like you'll make a difference. Nobody wants you there- nobody needs you there- you're just money in their coffers."
Some of my dear friends have suggested that I just go somewhere else- that my love for PSU is clouding my judgement. That may be true.
However, when I attended PSU, it was as Him. And when I graduated, I was deeply depressed. Maybe I want Redemption. I want to wear the graduation gown as ME- a woman. I want a chance to show PSU the power of a Transgender scholar.
Now the question with which I'm faced is... do I dare eat a peach?
My appointment was at 1. I arrived at 11, stopped at an apartment complex, then to downtown State College for a quick lunch at Baby's. My friend Michaela was there. Great seeing her.
An Idiot with False Hope, at Baby's
Went to my appointment. Well, I understood that I had a fellowship (full ride). Nope. Refused. Nothing. No money. If I want to go for my doctorate, unlike EVERYONE (and I do mean EVERYONE) else I'd ever known who went for their PhD, I would have to pony up the cash first. Is this because I made waves already? I'll come back to this.
On the way back from PSU, my mind was swirling. I was maybe three quarters home when, at the Morgantown exit of the PA Turnpike, I encountered a serious two car accident. Debris was all over the road.
I slowed down (I had to- so much debris) and yelled over to the first car to ask if anyone was injured. There were, so I pulled over and ran back to that car. At this point, I didn't see the second car.
Car 1 was hit from behind coming onto the highway. It rolled four times before coming to rest almost perpendicular to the side of the road. All airbags deployed. In the car were a young mother, father, and a young toddler. The toddler was in the baby seat when it happened, and had superficial bruising from the restraints, and a bump on the head, probably from flying debris. Mom had head injury (concussion?) and an injured ankle. She kept calling and texting people. Dad had superficial cuts that, while bleeding, were not bad. All three ended up being transported to the hospital. They were the first group to whom I went.
Eyewitnesses (a mom and daughter who pulled over) said there was a second car, that they thought sped off. I looked down the road, and saw a car pulled over on the left, and a tractor trailer pulled over on the right further down. There was a burly man standing outside the car. After stabilizing the young mom, I ran down to the other car. That man was the truck driver, on the phone with 911. The driver of Car 2 was trapped.
He had a nasty bloody head injury, and a broken nose. The windshield had a large star indicating his head hit it. No airbag. He was conscious, and also kept calling people. He told me not to open the driver side door as he was leaning on it (not that I had room to open it.)he told me his hip hurt, and by the angle, I saw that it was broken. Blood and debris were everywhere. I crawled into this car to help. My dress was covered with blood and car fluids. I stayed in that car, trying to stop the bleeding and keeping him talking until the rescue squad came. "Rescue 69" had been in service than less than a month, and it was shiny. (The station number was 69.)
The rescue squad had to rip the roof off to get him out. They were still removing him from the car when I pulled away.
It's been a while since I've seen injuries that bad. I was shaken.
I remained calm when told I didn't get the fellowship. I remained calm while speaking to student aid. I remained calm while at the accident scene. I remained calm through play rehearsal that night...
And after rehearsal, I got in my car and lost it. I cried my eyes out. My hands were shaking badly. I had a blinding headache. I cried intermittently through the night.
So, I was informed that despite what I was told previously, I did not receive a fellowship from PSU. That means if I want to go for my PSU, I need to pay. At least this year.
My whole going for this was contingent on me being paid to go. To me, that meant that they WANTED me there- that they thought I and my studies were worthwhile. Now, I'm just another paying customer.
There are 3 major considerations now. In reverse order:
3) Linda. Uprooting her to the middle of nowhere, where she, like me, would be starting over. She was considering transitioning to full time while there.
2) Would the time/money be worth it? Will I be able to find a job? Will my research really make a difference? Or will I be an overeducated retail worker?
1) I see Wife and Daughter maybe once a week. I've missed so much of my daughter's childhood. If I go, I'll see them maybe once a month. If that. Wife is not a huge fan of State College.
So. The paradigm has shifted. I've gone from "Yes, come here because we REALLY want you" to "meh. You got the money, we'll take it." I'll be putting myself deeper in debt. And for what? A long shot. Hail Mary.
I really have no idea what to do now. I'd always dreamed of teaching at PSU. That dream was going to come true. Now, not so much. I can hear a familiar voice in my head telling me how worthless I am, and how I should just forget it because I'll never be good enough. In harmony with that is my own inner monologue saying "why f**king bother? It's not like you'll make a difference. Nobody wants you there- nobody needs you there- you're just money in their coffers."
Some of my dear friends have suggested that I just go somewhere else- that my love for PSU is clouding my judgement. That may be true.
However, when I attended PSU, it was as Him. And when I graduated, I was deeply depressed. Maybe I want Redemption. I want to wear the graduation gown as ME- a woman. I want a chance to show PSU the power of a Transgender scholar.
Now the question with which I'm faced is... do I dare eat a peach?
I wonder why they implied that you would get a fellowship, then change their minds. Anyone you can contact for more information?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I keep coming back to that too. And it is worth noting, most people DO pay for graduate study, especially in fields like the humanities and social sciences. Was there nothing in writing? Who led you to believe this was the case? I understand the power of walking around your BA college as your actual self; it drove me back to Wesleyan lots of times over the years. But I wouldn't have gone to WesU for my writing degree; for that matter, I wouldn't have gone to Johns Hopkins for my undergraduate degree. If your plan was to teach at PSU, was this a dream, or was this something that seemed likely? My guess is that WGSS jobs at PSU are as tough to land as jobs anywhere. All that said, it can be done, and done by you. But academia is a rough and tumble field.
DeleteIf possible, I would avoid using the car wreck on the highway as a metaphor for anything. It's dramatic and horrible: but it was not a wreck you were in. You helped other people, in fact.
If you had seen a beautiful sunset as you drove home, I'd have been careful to avoid seeing THAT as a metaphor for anything, either.
This is about a very pragmatic choice, and you should avoid the melodrama of "Hope lies" and anything else that would turn an already difficult moment into a Wagnerian opera. The question right now is, Is the degree worth pursuing at a price? If so, where does the money come from? As always: the first question is economic. How much cash do they want? (a lot of graduate programs are on a per-course basis). Do they know that the absence of scholarship money means you are less likely to matriculate? I like the suggestion of Temple. I like the suggestion of other degree-granting institutions near at hand that would avoid uprooting Linda, and keep you close to your family.
It is worth asking why Linda, whom I know you love, and whom I am fond of too, is your responsibility at this exact hour.
The trick is to figure out a plan that will ensure food on the table, rent to the landlord, and enough joy to make this life worth celebrating. If you can do a degree program part-time, that's worth learning; while you do that, you can work part time too, at least I hope so.
The prospect of graduating with a job in hand was always a long shot, even with the full ride. Will you be an overeducated retail worker? yeah, you might. I know people who got their PhDs with a full ride who are tending bar, working retail, and so on. Academia is rarely the safe way out, especially in fields like WGSS.
So what can you do? If it was me, I'd take a long hard look at the economics. There has to be a way to thrive in this world. I know you will find it.
Jenny, the accident was not a metaphor. It happened. Telling what happened. If I were to metaphor anything that day, it would've been seeing all the happy seniors taking pictures at various campus landmarks in cap and gown. But it would've been obvious, cheesy, and ham handed. Even for me.
DeleteWhen I was going for my PhD in Comp Sci at Penn back in the old days, there were just two students out of a class of 30 who were given full scholarships from the start. The rest of us did pay for our first year, but we all got scholarships from the second year on. It all depends on the funding sources. It might not be because of you making waves. There has to be other universities who are worthy of your skills and abilities. If PSU doesn't want you, f*** them and go to a rival school.
ReplyDelete