Comps II: Oral Boogaloo

On Monday, August 15, 2022, at 10 AM, I started my oral comprehensive exam.  I already finished the written portion (which I wrote about here), so this was where I defended my work and answered additional questions.  

I was allowed to do a ten minute presentation if I wished to explain my answers, so I did (good thing too!).  At this point, a ten minute presentation is nothing.  I worked a few hours on power point slides, rehearsed it a couple of times, and was ready.  All I needed was a good night's sleep.  I took melatonin and went to bed early-ish.  

One of the slides.  On the right is Michel Foucault

And had nasty insomnia.  

When I did sleep, I dreamed of being back in a school setting. Physically, the building was a school I encounter often in my dreams- a random, rambling monstrosity with hills, a multi-level shopping mall, a food court, and hallways that intersect at odd angles.  I had assignments to finish, but it was the last day of school, and the final bell had sounded.  Students were in a desperate rush to begin summer, and the hallways were crowded with kids throwing papers in the air and shouting.  I managed to find my locker somehow (in my dreams, I normally can't) and was putting away books (huh?) worried about the assignments I never did.  

I originally planned to wake up early, shower, do my hair and makeup and read through my written exam one more time before the 10 AM test on zoom.  Well, in the end, I skipped the makeup, and only dried my hair instead of doing anything fancy.  I managed to read through my paper though, as my advisor had technical difficulties so the exam started a little late.

So there they were- the four members of my dissertation committee, each a scholar of note within their field, and each, in my mind, ready to tear me to pieces.  I selected three of these professors as they made an impression on me in class or out.  The chair was my advisor, and also very good.  I gave my presentation, which lasted just a hair under ten minutes (as timed.)  Then the questions began.

I suppose there's no harm in revealing the four questions I was asked to discuss in the written part, as they were tailored to my work.

1) Review the existing academic literature on transgender awareness and inclusion programs (training) for adults, including the types of programs and their outcomes (effectiveness). In addition, how do these programs address the root causes of violence toward transgender people, if at all? Finally, explain how Foucault’s theories of power and knowledge can help us understand transmisogyny and transgender violence.

2) Review the adult education literature on transformative learning, exploring both its central tenets and critiques. How are theories of transformative learning relevant to your proposed study on transgender awareness and inclusion programs? What kinds of verbal statements and actions (practices) would indicate that participants in transgender programs have experienced transformative learning? 

3) Use the gender and women’s studies literature on gender justice to explain how transgender advocacy is related to broader gender justice movements in the USA. How is transgender liberation a disruption or threat to hegemonic and traditional conceptualizations of gender roles, gender identity, and gender as an organizing structure of society? 

4) You have proposed using an ethnographic and autoethnographic approach to answering your research questions. Discuss the central elements of ethnography and autoethnography and why these methods are appropriate for answering your research questions. Consider this a draft of the methods section for your dissertation proposal to include: research design, main research questions, sampling and participants, data collection, and data analysis.

My oral exam focused on these questions as well.  I was sweating like crazy due to nerves.  I didn't want to look like a complete idiot in front of these professors, whom I admire.  That said, I felt like a complete fraud.  I didn't belong in this meeting.  I was a poser- and they knew it.  They were going to fail me most heinously and were going through the motions- I was sure of it.

As I wrote in the earlier bit, there were three possible outcomes of this exam:

1. Pass.  I would then be an ABD (All But Dissertation) and could start work on my dissertation.

2. Partial Pass: If I screw up one question, I will have an opportunity to re-write it and go again.  I get one chance at that.

3. Fail.  Done.  Get out.  Finished.  No soup for you.  Wasted three years.  Go away, loser.  And the horse you rode in on.

I answered their questions to the best of my ability, with only one that was a bit unexpected.  Then, they put me in a "break out room" as they debated my fate.  I was told it would be around ten minutes.  I went to the bathroom.  grabbed another bottle of water.  Organized the desk a little.  Checked the news.  

Ten minutes passed.

                                            

                                            15

                                                                                                        20

After 23 minutes, the break out room closed, and there were the four professors.  I was informed that after considerable debate, I...

PASSED.

However, the debate was on whether or not I should re-write (do over) my answers to questions one and three.  Y'know, the two I was most confident that I'd aced.  Three professors congratulated me and disappeared.  My advisor told me that it was a close thing- and that if I had to re-write, there was still a chance I could salvage a PhD.  

After that, she gave me instructions as to what I had to do next.  I then dragged my roomie/bestie Linda downtown to Cafe 210 West and had lunch and celebratory Long Island Iced tea pitchers.  Then home for a celebratory nap.

At the Cafe

The next day, my advisor sent me six typed pages of notes about the exam: questions she had but didn't ask as well as critiques.  To read these made me think that passing me was a mercy- a concession because I ticked off several diversity boxes.  One of my fellow students doesn't think so- she thinks I'm reading into it.  Maybe I'm letting my imposter syndrome get the best of me.  

As I type this, it's Friday.  The upper classmen are back, and I'm sure the bars downtown are packed with reunions, summer stories, flirtations, and shots.  Me? I haven't showered in a couple days, feel scummy, and need to shave as the laser I had 12 years ago has worn off.  I'd love to be downtown enjoying the day, and the fact that I'm no longer a PhD Student- I'm now a PhD Candidate.  But the Darkness has me, and besides, I'm broke.  As usual.

So there you have it. dear readers.  Somehow, for whatever reason, I passed.  I feel tremendous relief.  Now it's time for the dissertation proposal; fifty pages of fun.  

But not today.

Be well.