Let It End

Christmas, Hanukkah, and solstice passed the last couple of weeks.  2020 is about a week from ending.  And like everyone except the 0.01% I say "good riddance."  2020 has been a worldwide nightmare, especially in the US.  

I was at work today, thinking about 2020 ending, and I thought about it from my very small perspective.  

2020 sucked bad, yes.  It sucked so bad that it's trendy to talk about how bad it sucked.  However in my case, it wasn't the worst.  2013 was the worst year of my life.  Then 2003.  Then 2020.  (Then 1989, if you're curious.)

Seriously fake smile

Pandemic.  The US hasn't seen one like this in over 100 years.  336,000 dead in this country.  We've had several days when more people died than on 9/11.  Absolute nightmare.  Still, the GOP did nothing.  Life before this seems like a distant dream.  

Our lives will never be the same for so many reasons.  The country is all but in civil war.  Nazis roam the streets not just freely, but with police protection.  Even after this pandemic is controlled (if it ever is), people will still wear masks.  So many businesses have closed or been gobbled up that the landscape of "main street" is an empty shell, and can't recover.  So many people lost jobs, loved ones, lives.

On top of that, there's all the rights that people keep losing- especially transgender people.  Maybe that will change IF Biden is inaugurated.  Longtime readers know I don't believe in Hope.  Hope is nothing but the worst of lies.  I guess all I can do is keep moving- minute by minute; wake up to wake up.  It's all any of us can do.  

I hope your holidays were peaceful.  I spent Christmas here in State College.  Linda and I watched movies, and I slept a lot.  That's what I do when I want a day to end.  Thanks to a dear friend, I had a gift to open under the tree (thanks Jenny!)  I made sure Linda had several gifts- things I'd picked up for her over the year so I could afford them.  Just because I hate Christmas doesn't mean I don't want others to enjoy it.  Linda deserves some happiness in this life.

I actually had a Christmas wish.  When Wife asked what I'd like for it, I said I wanted only one thing: "I want you [Wife and Daughter] to come visit me."  I didn't expect that to happen.

It didn't.

So this is yet another holiday without Wife and daughter.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now.  I know others have it much worse.  A friend lost her wife of 20 years this week, and I'm complaining?  No, I'll never get used to it.  So I had a nasty period of deep Darkness for a while. (Someone pointed out to me that the $600 stimulus check we won't get is enough for a shotgun.)  Yes, I finally did see them the following Sunday when I drove back to Phoenixville to see them.  2 1/2 hours there, three hours there (at the KOP mall and Valley Forge), then 2 1/2 hours back.  That helped. 

On facialbook, a dear friend (whom I have never met in person) wrote that my writing about my troubles is "exhausting."  They aren't the first to say that. I know.  Believe me- I understand.  But I can't write Lies.  I write about how I feel, and that's... rarely pleasant.  Maybe that's why this blog gets so few hits any more.  Or that I can't bring myself to write anything these days.  Not even my writing journals.  Just so dead inside.

The semester ended a few weeks back.  I finally received all my grades yesterday.  The class I was most worried about had a final paper of 30 pages.  I had issues the entire class, as I couldn't quite wrap my head around the material.  Paper came back: 26/35 points (that's 74%- a C.)  In grad school, an A is acceptable.  B is like a D in undergrad.  C is "why the hell are you still here?"  Fortunately, the rest of my grades in that class (and, I believe, the professor's mercy) meant that I squeaked by with an A-.  

Lots of people on facialbook are telling me take the grade and not to worry about it.  "Cs get degrees!"  Not good enough.  I have to prove to Penn State and academia that transgender women can succeed in my field (Adult Education.)  I'm studying here to help transgender people now and in the future.  I know that sounds arrogant or whatever.  

But the fact is that this program is all I have left- the only thing that keeps me going.  Minute by minute; wake up to wake up.  

The year ends, but time is constant.  Just because we say it's a new year doesn't mean that reality suddenly shifts.  Maybe just knowing that this horrific year is over will be enough to help some people keep going.  I couldn't wait for 2013 to end, and yet, in so many ways it never did.  The events echo in my life.  Just as 2003 does.  1989.  1985.  1966.  Time and memories haunt us all our days.  As Elvis Costello wrote in a the song This is Hell: 

It`s not the torment of the flames

That finally see your flesh corrupted

It`s the small humiliations that your memory piles up

Maybe I can make someone else's life less a hell.  It's all I have left.

Paper: Masculinity and Violence Against LGBTQI

Hi folks.  it's been a nasty few weeks, as the semester ended.  I had several papers due, and the Darkness slammed me hard at the same time.  I learned that several friends have Covid, including one of my dearest friends.  

In any case, this is one of the papers I wrote for a course called "Psychology of Gender/Sex."  Got an A on the paper.  This is an example of a "literature review" which means I read a bunch of articles and synthesized their meanings.  Usually such things are used in introductions to scholarly articles and dissertations and such.  Oh, and for classes.  

So here for your dining and dancing pleasure is a sample of my academic writing.  If it doesn't put you to sleep, see a doctor.

Did I mentioned it snowed?  It snowed.

*******************************************************

Masculinity and Violence Against LGBTQI

Introduction

Each of the last four years, violence against LGBTQI (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Intersex/Queer) people in the United States increased.  In particular, violence against transgender people increased dramatically, with both number of incidents and deaths sharply higher.  One of my research goals for this course of study is to determine possible causes for the violence and murder of transgender women in particular.  For this paper, I examine the role of masculinity in anti-LGBTQI violence, and review what the literature states.  This review is not comprehensive, as every time I researched a citation, I found many more citations which led deeper.  For the sake of time, I limited the scope of my search. 

I write this paper acknowledging the limitation of possible bias, as I am a transgender woman.  I also acknowledge my privilege as a person of white, western European ancestry, and that the land where I wrote this was once home to the Susquehannock people. 

Violence

Homophobia/Transphobia

When discussing violence against LGBTQI people, one must first define some terms.  The first is Homophobia, defined as “fear, aversion, or discrimination against homosexuals” (Definition of HOMOPHOBIA, para.1).   A subset of this is Homophobic Masculinity, which is heteromasculinity centered within homophobia, “especially pervasive in contexts where men share close proximity with other men and feel the need to prove that they are heterosexual, as in the case of both male athletes and fraternity members.  (Worthen, 2014, p. 185)  Transphobia is defined as “emotional disgust toward individuals who do not conform to society’s gender expectations” (Hill, 2002, as cited by Nagoshi et al, 2008, p. 521). 

            Buck & Nedvin (2017) write:

“…transgender identity is not defined by sexual or romantic behavior… however, because of their association with LGB individuals, and because they challenge traditional views on the nature of sex and gender, they may pose similar social threats” (p. 642).

Violence against LGBTQI

Homophobia and transphobia can lead to violence.  In 2019, the FBI reported 1,395 hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias. There were 224 based on Gender identity. (2019, table 1).  In the USA during 2019, there were 21 known murders of transgender people.  (“Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2019,” para.2)  I write known, because transgender victims are often misgendered in death by newspapers and the police.  (“Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2019”)  Also in the USA, there have been 42 murders so far (“Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2020,” para.1) That’s a 95% increase in one year.  Between the time of my presentation of this paper, and the final submission, another transgender woman was found murdered.

Violence against Transgender

Stotzer (2008) writes “In the case of hate crimes against transgender individuals, violence based on people’s gender identity sends a clear message about the perceived worth and status of the victims as human beings” (p. 47).  This leads to many psychological problems among transgender people, but that topic is outside of the scope of this paper.

According to a landmark survey conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE),

“nearly half (48%) of all respondents in the sample reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed, and/or physically attacked in the past year because of being transgender.  Nearly half (46%) of respondents reported that they were verbally harassed in the past year because of being transgender.  Nearly one in ten (9%) respondents reported that they were physically attacked in the past year because of being transgender.  Nearly half (47%) of respondents have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime (James, et al, 2016, p. 197).

Disclosure: I was one of the 27, 715 people who answered this survey. 

Masculinity Defined

            Like most phenomena in nature, masculinity defies a simple explanation.  The term masculine means “pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men” (“Definition of Masculine | Dictionary.Com,” para.1).  However, many varieties of masculinity exist.  For this paper, I use four definitions.  

•      Normative Masculinity: “the behaviors and expectations culturally associated with boys and men” (Rubin et al, 2020, p. 1).  Normative masculinity is the baseline of how men see themselves and conduct themselves. 

•      Hegemonic Masculinity: “a specific form of masculinity in a given historical and society-wide social setting that legitimates unequal gender relations between men and women, between masculinity and femininity, and among masculinities” (Messerschmidt, 2019, p. 86).

•      Hypermasculinity: “an overemphasis and exaggerated adherence to the traditional male gender roles established by an outdated societal view… often associated with aggression towards women and other men who violate the traditional gender norm” (Zernechel & Perry, 2017, p. 3).  Many transgender women practice this while in denial of their identity, including myself (Brown, 1988). 

•      Fragile/Precarious Masculinity: the idea that “that manhood, in contrast to womanhood, is seen as a precarious state requiring continual social proof and validation” (Rubin et al, 2020) (Vandello et al, 2008, p. 1325).

Masculine Violence

The reason for this paper’s focus on violence perpetrated by men is that males between 18-30 commit most of the anti-LGBTQI violence. (Conlin et al, 2020) (Jakupcak, 2008) (Parrot et al, 2011) (Parrot et al, 2011)(Stotzer, 2008) (Tebbe & Moradi, 2012).  These ages were determined by survey data of perpetrators (Dunbar, 2003), statistics of the crimes (Stotzer, 2008), or self-reported (Jakupcak, 2008).  Due to time limitations, I was unable to determine the reason why men of that specific age range commit the most crimes.  Instead, I focus on possible reasons that men attack LGBTQI people.

The literature focuses on three possible masculinity threats which lead to violence:

·         Challenge to Status/ Toughness/ Anti-femininity (Cheryan et al, 2015) (Parrot et al 2008) (Parrot et al, 2011) (Vandello, et al, 2008) (Worthen, 2014);

·         Defending the Gender Binary (Nagoshi, et al, 2008) )(Parrot et al 2008)

·         Gender Role Stress. (Jakupcak, 2003) (Rubin et al, 2020) (Worthen, 2014)

Challenge to Status/Toughness/Anti-femininity. 

Men feel that their manhood is challenged by other men who don’t conform to the social norm of masculinity (Cheryan et al, 2015) (Parrot et al 2008) (Parrot et al 2011) (Vandello, et al, 2008) (Worthen, 2014).  This is especially prevalent in situations where men are in close knit groups like sports teams and fraternities (Worthen, 2014).  Many men feel that manhood is the opposite of femininity and that homosexual men / transgender women violate this (Harrison & Michelson, 2018) (Parrot et al, 2008) (Parrot et al, 2011) (Woodford et al, 2012).  Parrot et al (2011) write that this is the “the most critical component of one’s masculine identity” and “because men equate homosexuality with femininity… men’s rejection of femininity is synonymous with their rejection of homosexuality (regardless of the sexual-minority person’s gender)” (p.42).  Stotzer (2008) writes that the most common slurs said by perpetrators of anti-LGBTQI violence are “homosexual slurs or pejoratives”, while second most common insult are “gender based slurs” (p.47). 

     Another aspect of this challenge may be that men see LGBT as threats to the possibility of successful mating (Buck & Nedvin, 2017).  In other words, if a man doesn’t have a chance to procreate with a person, that person may be a threat, or is useless to him.

 Defending the Gender Binary

     Morgenroth et al (2020) define the gender binary as “the belief that sex is binary and directly determines gender” (p. 1).  They also write “Individuals who violate these expectations… are often harshly punished” (pp. 1-2).  Men who assault LGBTQI people share many traits, including a strong belief in the gender binary, strong religious beliefs, high identification with masculine traits (Nagoshi, et al, 2008) )(Parrot et al 2008), as well as “right-wing authoritarianism… and hostile sexism” (Nagoshi et al, 2008, p. 521).  These men also wish to preserve their societal position of dominance over women (Conlin et al, 2020) (Morgenroth et al, 2020) (Tebbe & Moradi, 2012) (Worthen, 2014).  This is where hypermasculinity often plays a role (Zernechel & Perry, 2017), as the challenge to the gender binary is seen as a person challenge to their manhood.  They seek closure and the re-establishment of the separation of genders that is a major part of their psychological underpinning (Morgenroth et al, 2020) (Tebbe & Moradi, 2012), which leads to violence (Jakupcak, 2003) (Parrott et al, 2008) (Parrott et al, 2011).  Hypermasculinity is common with athletes and fraternity members, which I saw personally during my undergraduate years as a member of a fraternity (Corprew III & Mitchell, 2014) (Worthen, 2014).  In my case, hypermasculinity is the main reason I joined a fraternity.  I thought that by joining, my ‘dark secret” of femininity would be further obscured from view.     

Gender Role Stress

            Manhood in western culture is not an absolute.  Vandello et al (2008) writes “It might be said that womanhood happens to girls, via a series of inevitable physical and biological changes, but manhood is something that boys must make happen, by passing certain social milestones” (p. 1325).  As manhood isn’t a given and is “earned”, it can therefore be lost (Schmitt & Branscombe, 2001) (Jakupcak, 2003) (Vandello et al, 2008).  This was one of my greatest fears growing up, and what caused me to overcompensate with hypermasculine behavior.  One of the social milestones I completed was being initiated into a fraternity, which signaled that I endured the rigors of hazing during my “pledging”, and was entitled to be seen as a man among my peers: part of the brotherhood.  (Corprew III & Mitchell, 2014) (Schmitt & Branscombe, 2001) (Worthen, 2014)

            Jakupcak (2003) writes that “Masculine gender role stress can result from situational demands or global self-appraisals in which culturally defined schemas of masculinity are violated” (p. 533).  This is where fragile/precarious masculinity plays a major role.  Rubin et al (2020) write that “not living up to masculinity norms has consequences for self-esteem and as a result, some men experience discrepancy stress when they fail to behave in accordance with what it means to be a man” (p. 2).  In addition, gender role stress “can result from situational demands or global self-appraisals in which culturally defined schemas of masculinity are violated” (Eisler & Skidmore, 1987, as cited in Jakupack, 2003, p. 251).

            Harrison & Michelson (2018) write that how much a person’s identification as masculine is a strong indicator of how they’ll think and act toward transgender people.  These people may be insecure in their status among their peers, and respond violently (Jakupcak, 2003) (Parrott et al, 2008) (Parrott et al, 2011).  They believe this aggression will lead to acceptance by their peer group (Corpew III & Mitchell, 2014) (Rubin et al, 2020) (Schmitt & Branscombe, 2001) in addition to satisfying their inner cognitive dissonance (Morgenroth et al, 2020).

Conclusion

            The literature shows what is obvious to any person who is socialized as a male: that normative masculinity is a narrow and complex process which begins at birth, and one which must be re-affirmed constantly (Parrott et al, 2008) (Rubin et al, 2020) (Vandello et al, 2008, p. 1325).  Failure means that the person isn’t a “real man” and could lead to being ostracized or worse (Morgenroth et al, 2020).  Men aren’t permitted to show emotion or weakness, and to do so is perceived as “feminine” (Cheryan et al, 2015) (Jakupcak, 2003) (Morgenroth et al, 2020).  While I was growing up, the worst insult that a boy could give another boy was anti-feminine (‘runs like a girl,” “wuss,” “pussy”, etc.) or to call them a homosexual (one of the many anti-gay slurs), which was seen as the same thing (Parrot et al, 2011).  A boy was expected to instantly retort or fight physically, therefore proving his manhood.   As a side note, I remember hearing somewhere that men insult each other by insinuating that other guys are feminine, while women insult each other using feminine slurs.  Therefore, the worst insult is to be a woman.  Hegemonic masculinity writ large! 

            Not all men subscribe to this narrow view of masculinity (Vandello et al, 2008) (Woodford et al, 2012) and have the confidence to live their lives not caring what other people think of them.  Also, the majority of men does not react violently to LGBTQI people, nor react to them as a threat.  One of the key factors here is actually knowing an LGBTQI person (Woodford et al, 2011). 

            However, enough men feel the pressure of their manhood as gender role stress, and feel that they must maintain their social standing as men: normative masculinity.  From this subset of men arise those who attack LGBTQI people.  These are the hegemonic and hypermasculine, who’s fragile self-view of their masculinity lead them to over-compensate and lash out violently.  LGBTQI people are often the victims, especially transgender people.  Historically, such violence may or may not have been punished, due to such concepts of “gay panic defense” and “trans-panic defense” which are still legal in some states, and due to the outsider status of LGBTQI people. 

With the rise of gay rights, many more people now know someone who is gay/lesbian, and these people are more tolerant.  Society still isn’t at that point with transgender people, especially transgender women.  Perhaps this is why so many transgender people experience violence. 

With this paper, I described different possible explanations for anti-LGBTQI violence.  Hundreds, if not thousands of studies were performed and continue to be done trying to illuminate the causes of this phenomenon, determining the three major “masculinity threats” I’ve detailed.  More studies about anti-transgender violence emerge all the time, which fills a gap in the literature.  My next step is to review that literature, and hopefully someday add to it with my own work.  I dream of a day when transgender women are seen as just women, and that women are seen as the equals of men.  If my struggles and sacrifices help toward that goal, I will consider them worthwhile.

 

References

“2019.” FBI, https://ucr.fbi.gov/hate-crime/2019. Accessed 10 Dec. 2020.

Brown, G. R. (1988). Transsexuals in the military: Flight into hypermasculinity. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 17(6), 527-537.

Buck, D. M., & Nedvin, M. A. (2017). The Impact of Mating Motives on Anti-Transgender Prejudice. North American Journal of Psychology, 19(3).

Campaign, Human Rights. “HRC’s ‘Dismantling a Culture of Violence’ Report.” YES! Weekly, https://www.yesweekly.com/hrcs-dismantling-a-culture-of-violence-report/pdf_da6fa8ec-293c-11eb-a4b5-37818943c89c.html. Accessed 10 Dec. 2020.

Cheryan, S., Schwartz Cameron, J., Katagiri, Z., & Monin, B. (2015). Manning Up. Social Psychology, 46(4), 218-227. doi:10.1027/1864-9335/a000239

Conlin, S. E., Douglass, R. P., & Moscardini, E. H. (2020). Predicting transphobia among cisgender women and men: The roles of feminist identification and gender conformity. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health, 1-15. doi:10.1080/19359705.2020.1780535

Corprew III, C. S., & Mitchell, A. D. (2014). Keeping it frat: Exploring the interaction among fraternity membership, disinhibition, and hypermasculinity on sexually aggressive attitudes in college-aged males. Journal of college student development, 55(6), 548-562.

“Definition of Masculine | Dictionary.Com.” Www.Dictionary.Com, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/masculine. Accessed 14 Dec. 2020.

Diefendorf, S., & Bridges, T. (2020). On the enduring relationship between masculinity and homophobia. Sexualities, 23(7), 1264-1284.

Dunbar, E. (2003). Symbolic, relational, and ideological signifiers of bias‐motivated offenders: Toward a strategy of assessment. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 73(2), 203-211.

“FBI Releases 2019 Hate Crime Statistics.” Federal Bureau of Investigation, https://www.fbi.gov/news/pressrel/press-releases/fbi-releases-2019-hate-crime-statistics. Accessed 10 Dec. 2020.

Harrison, B. F., & Michelson, M. R. (2019). Gender, masculinity threat, and support for transgender rights: An experimental study. Sex Roles, 80(1-2), 63-75.

Jakupcak, M. (2003). Masculine gender role stress and men’s fear of emotions as predictors of self-reported aggression and violence. Violence and Victims, 18(5), 533-541.

James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.

Messerschmidt, J. W. (2019). The salience of “hegemonic masculinity”. Men and masculinities, 22(1), 85-91.

Morgenroth, T., Sendén, M. G., Lindqvist, A., Renström, E., Ryan, M., & Morton, T. (2020). Defending the sex/gender binary: The role of gender identification and need for closure. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1948550620937188.

Nagoshi, J. L., Adams, K. A., Terrell, H. K., Hill, E. D., Brzuzy, S., & Nagoshi, C. T. (2008). Gender differences in correlates of homophobia and transphobia. Sex Roles, 59(7-8), 521-531.

Parrott, D. J., Peterson, J. L., & Bakeman, R. (2011). Determinants of Aggression Toward Sexual Minorities in a Community Sample. Psychol Violence, 1(1), 41-52. doi:10.1037/a0021581

Parrott, D. J., Peterson, J. L., Vincent, W., & Bakeman, R. (2008). Correlates of anger in response to gay men: Effects of male gender role beliefs, sexual prejudice, and masculine gender role stress. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 9(3), 167.

Rubin, J. D., Blackwell, L., & Conley, T. D. (2020). Fragile Masculinity. Paper presented at the Proceedings of the 2020 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems.

Schmitt, M. T., & Branscombe, N. R. (2001). The Good, the Bad, and the Manly: Threats to One's Prototypicality and Evaluations of Fellow In-Group Members. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 37(6), 510-517. doi:10.1006/jesp.2001.1476

Stotzer, R. L. (2008). Gender identity and hate crimes: Violence against transgender people in Los Angeles County. Sexuality Research & Social Policy, 5(1), 43.

Tebbe, E. N., & Moradi, B. (2012). Anti-transgender prejudice: a structural equation model of associated constructs. J Couns Psychol, 59(2), 251-261. doi:10.1037/a0026990

Vandello, J. A., Bosson, J. K., Cohen, D., Burnaford, R. M., & Weaver, J. R. (2008). Precarious manhood. J Pers Soc Psychol, 95(6), 1325-1339. doi:10.1037/a0012453

“Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2019.” HRC, https://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2019. Accessed 1 Dec. 2020.

“Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2020.” HRC, https://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-trans-and-gender-non-conforming-community-in-2020. Accessed 10 Dec. 2020.

Woodford, M. R., Silverschanz, P., Swank, E., Scherrer, K. S., & Raiz, L. (2012). Predictors of heterosexual college students’ attitudes toward LGBT people. Journal of LGBT Youth, 9(4), 297-320.

Worthen, M. G. (2014). Blaming the jocks and the greeks?: Exploring collegiate athletes' and fraternity/sorority members' attitudes toward LGBT individuals. Journal of College Student Development, 55(2), 168-195.

Zernechel, A., & Perry, A. L. (2017). The final battle: Constructs of hegemonic masculinity and hypermasculinity in fraternity membership. College Student Affairs Leadership, 4(1), 6.

 

 

 

 

Thoughts in a Hot Autumn

As I start this entry, its late November, and its 50 degrees outside.  Very warm for this time of year.  It was a Hot summer too- the kind of hot that stirs tempers in some and lethargy in others.  Here in State College, there's been very little rain, and what we got was never substantial. Brown summer grass merges into brown fall leaves as the winter supposedly is coming.  

There was frost this morning though- a month late.  Guess its lethargic too.

This morning, Wisconsin verified Biden had the most votes, but in the age of 45 fascism, that doesn't mean he won.  45 will do anything and everything to keep in power.

It's been a hot autumn, and so very stressful.  Would the American experiment survive?  The world watched and held its breath as a nation with the world's largest nuclear arsenal decided between democracy and fascism.

And they're still wondering.  

Nov 30.  Go figure- I write all that and today we get rain.  Maybe I have weather powers and don't know it?

A lot of my fellow transgender women have been posting incredible pictures on social media of late.  They (rightfully) brag about how much weight they've lost, etc.  They all look gorgeous and I look like Jabba the Hutt in drag.  I've been trying to lose weight but keep gaining.  I had my thyroid checked and its normal. Maybe if I fasted for a month or two I could get my weight down to a human level.  The combination of seeing a guy in the mirror and all that extra weight disgusts me.  I'm not fishing for compliments (I don't believe them anyway,) just writing how I feel.  

Pic: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Hutt/Legends

Not helping my physical situation us the depression that sometimes immobilizes me.

I know- wahhhh.  "Stop complaining."

We're entering the holiday season.  I wonder how working for my current employer will be different than the bookstore or my other jobs during this time.  

Despite not working retail last year, I still have a healthy hate for the holiday season.  I think I always will.  After all, I missed the wonder in my daughter's eyes the last seven Christmases.  Now she's a teen.  And I won't see her this Christmas- I already know that.

Actions have consequences.  My being born different had the consequences that I don't get to have a "normal" life, and am punished by being denied the people I love most.  

Oh well, back to work.  So much homework.  Why am I here?

SG@A: the Rest of the Story

 Seems my last post triggered good memories.  I post the following with the kind permission of the authors.

Oh, helps if you read the original entry:  Space Goop at Acacia.

I'll lead off with two of the people making the music.

J.R. Mangan: (vocals/guitar: Space Goop): "Now that was a great day."

Mike Biddeson: (1/2 of brother part of Space Goop) Brian shared your blog. Really fun piece. We had such a blast that day but it is really cool to experience the event through your eyes as well as others who have commented. I tried to make a comment on the Facebook post/blog but didn't see a spot to do it. So a couple of fill in the blanks...

I played bass and guitar. JR and I switched. At first it was because it was determined by who learned the song and sang lead vocal on a song, but then it became a ridiculously dramatic beer infused monk chant when we switch guitars, usually inexplicably being accompanied with a flying lobster. Who knows why these things happen. 

The Acacia guys were such fun and that was a very generous event to gift the community with. Dave and I went onto rejoin our old band Ticapoo Brain which was joined by Beth Williams (before she lost her h). Then we started making music with Kevin Slick (who I think sat in with Goop on the Acacia event) in Neo Pseudo which was more of an all original band. We moved to Philly and played clubs til the mid 90s. Neo Pseudo has lots of stuff on you tube. I still play with my brother in another all original band called the llama Dalis. You can find us on iTunes. 

Anyway thanks for the awesome blast of memories. Great article and cool that your back in the valley.

PS I've been working on a book called "Zart, the art of everything" I'll keep you posted!

Mike Goop

http://i-zarts.com/

Goop accidentally formed I think in the summer of 85 back in Mansfield where I was doing grad school in art ed and JR and Dave just finished undergrad.  I think anyway. Very fluid time. Lots of moving and various band  configurations.

Brian Hulek (Acacia Social Chair at that time): "I set a goal as a freshman to ‘have the biggest party at Penn State’ and that was the moment perhaps!

The band was at the end  where Locust Lane passes the house and people were backed up all the way to the swimming pool at the frat next door. And our 2nd level deck was overflowing.

It was one of the best days ever for all involved. I had brothers who hated me crying and hugging me saying ‘It was the best day of their lives’. Every brother at Acacia got a supplementary bill at the end of the semester!😂

Oh yes. I had a VIP section up front with our own keg and pledge pouring.

[about the blog entry]:  Unbelievably well done Sophie! YOU are now forever linked to the event!

The Original Tape

Jeff Podeszwa: I’d like to add a few points.

I was a TKE pledge at the time and of course we were supposed to “work” that party. I think my station was, “make sure people aren’t drinking in the street” as the new law was being enforced. Hell Week was rapidly approaching and the abuse level was also ratcheted up a few notches. Upon arrival it was evident that all bets were off. The scene was akin to a grand music festival, not just a party but An Event. Like all great events, they don’t necessarily need to be planned, sponsored and promoted. An event to define the era. I’ve been to some big events Live Aid, Grateful Dead on New Years Eve, outdoor dance festivals at Mt. Fuji, but this one was special. I think the most I worked was getting beers for some brothers. It made no matter, as the music enveloped us we became equals, the physical plane lifted, only our souls danced. Floating spirits, spread out around the lawn, I don’t remember a single violent incident, or a face without a smile or a welcoming attitude.

“This is the reason I am here. I am here right now for this reason” was my brain’s explanation.

By rule, there were certain fraternity people we were not allowed to address without certain formalities, but that all flew out the window. Listening to the tape it is easy to see why, Can’t You See is a love letter to past relationships and hometowns, the reggae influenced Fire On the Mountain is a clever take on a difficult cover. The band was phenomenal, I’ll venture that the Walk on The Will Side>Can’t Always Get What You Want may have been the pinnacle of any live music I saw at PSU. And Goop did Good Lovin’>La Nacho> Good Lovin’ a full year before Garcia belted out La Bamba.

The angle of the sun, the feeling of youthful invincibility, that a future better than the present will always be waiting, yeah that optimism crystalized in two songs. But it happened.

Little did we know that this was not the Woodstock, rather it was the Altamont, the nadir of social life at PSU. The restrictions that followed turned Phi Psi 500 into a mere shell of itself and off-campus parties and fraternities would be hunted and vilified by the authorities in a manner yet unseen by the masses.

No matter, because for that beautiful day at Acacia, we shared that time, forever locked deep inside ourselves. And no one can ever take that away.

Thank you to Brian J Hulek for the tape and of course, J.R. Mangan and Space Goop for a real good time!

great blog Sophie Lynne!

My response to Jeff's bit: I'd say it WAS the Woodstock, as it may have been the peak of a generation.  Thanks to Bryce Jordan (PSU president at that time) putting in draconian party rules, things were never the same.  Now in my 50s, I sorta understand the why of it- litigation- but he handled it all wrong.  By the time I graduated, it was a lot less fun.  When I tell stories of back in the day to current undergrads, they can't believe it.  Kegs at a party??

Skull Toga 1988

Stephanie Rado Taormina: Jeff Podeszwa omg! What a great post above from you! I haven’t thought about that day in over 30 years but you nailed it and we were lucky to have experienced it.. part of what makes us who we all are today in some way.

Laura Pace Lilley:  Love this blog!!!  I covered music for the Collegian so I agree that music really made our time there special...and takes ya right back...

Thanks to those who allowed me to share their memories of that day.  And that's the thing- at Penn State in the mid-80s, this was in many ways just another Saturday.  It was Phi Psi weekend which made it a bit special, yes, but seeing an amazing band at a party was a regular thing for us back then.  

It really was a special time.  Maybe that's why I wrote a book about it.

Space Goop at Acacia

I've posted bits from my book, Men of the Skull, on this blog occasionally.  Even as thoroughly researched as that book is (VERY thoroughly), I couldn't put every niggling detail in there.  In fact, it needs a strong edit because I put in far too many.   The major reason is many of those details just wouldn't resonate with anyone except those who were there as well.  For example, I can write all I want about a Grateful Dead show, but unless you were there, there's no way to write about everything so that it would be understood.  It wasn't just the music- it was the "vibe", the feelings, the settings, the people... all of it made for the experience.  Let's face it- the Dead weren't the most physically demonstrative or exciting band to watch!  But that didn't matter.

In that same spirit, is Space Goop at Acacia.  Among many people who attended PSU in 1986/7, that phrase means something.  Like on that Star Trek TNG episode "Darmok and Jalad… at Tanagra" means something to the Tamarians who speak in metaphor.  It's a cultural reference.  Another example would be if I refer to swallows carrying coconuts- many get that right away, as I'm quoting a well known movie.  

Space Goop at Acacia, 1986  Courtesy: B. Hulek

In any case, Space Goop was a band at Penn State in spring 1986 (I don't know how how long they lasted, as I found a reference to them in a March 1985 Daily Collegian article), but I know that by fall 1986, they'd broken up.  Space Goop was JR Mangan (guitar), Mike (bass) and Dave (drums) Biddison.

Acacia was and still is a fraternity at Penn State and other campuses.  At PSU, they were a very short walk across a tree studded lawn away from my fraternity house.  They were considered a major house at the time, and I'm told had great parties (I have never to this day been inside that I remember.)

April 12, 1986: that was the date of the annual Phi Psi 500 that year.  Phi Psi is half a block away from Acacia, and they scheduled the band that day to ensure a huge crowd- which they got.  (I described the Phi Psi 500 in detail HERE.)  It was a beautiful sunny day, everyone was festive due to the Phi Psi, and Space Goop was on stage.

I didn't transfer to Penn State until that August, so how would I know all this?  Three reasons.  The first was that Collegian article.  The second was by reading accounts by people who were there (on facialbook.)  The third?  Well, that's the topic of this post.

Someone plugged into the soundboard, and recorded over a little over 90 minutes of the show (which lasted a good part of the day, as well as continuing inside that night.)  Back then, recording technology meant... TAPE!  For you kids out there, there were these things called "tape players" and they were the preferred method of listening to recorded music at the time.  Compact Discs were available, but really expensive (and non-recordable.)

By the time I arrived at Penn State that August, that recording spread all through the Greek community if not all of campus.  Everyone who was anyone had a copy.  I heard it at apartment parties and at least once in a dorm party.  At my fraternity, the guys would put stereo speakers in the front windows of the second floor, and that fall, the music was either Grateful Dead (usually Dead Set) or Space Goop at Acacia (SG@A).  I managed to tape a copy off of one of the brothers (I think his was a third or fourth generation copy) and I listened to it a lot during my college days.  Sometime after graduation I lost the tape.  Maybe I loaned it to someone- I don't know.  Point is that by 1991, it was gone.

Fast forward decades.  On Facialbook is a group for Penn State alumni... of a certain... vintage... (primarily 60s-early 90s) on which we share memories, swap stories, post pics, etc.  SG@A came up occasionally in stories and such, and at least one person (me) would ask if anyone could make a copy of it for me.

Last week, Brian Hulek messaged me.  He was the Acacia Social Chair at the time who put together that party, and, more importantly, he was the guy who made that recording.  He previously had no idea of what happened to the original tapes.  However, apparently... they were FOUND!  He digitized and uploaded them.  He then reached out to offer me a copy.  I asked how much and he replied "No $$$.  We share the joy!  I am insulted!"  (followed by a winky face emoji.)

Partiers on Acacia lawn that day.  Courtesy B. Hulek

In any case, he sent a copy, which I eventually figured out how to download into my iTunes.  Then, I listened.  

First off, the whole recording he sent was a good 30 minutes longer than the one I had.  The song that started my tape was "Can't You See?", which was over a third of the way through the set.  More importantly- it was a clean copy!  Second generation at worst!  The sound was like being there!

This was the set list:

1. Fire on the Mountain

2. Southern Cross > I'm a Believer

3. Walk on the Wild Side > You Can't Always Get What You Want

4. Dead Flowers

5. Can’t You See

6. Gilligan’s Island > Good Lovin’  

7. Not Fade Away > Who Do You Love?

8. Roadhouse Blues

9. Southern Man

10. Young Americans

(set break)

11. Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard > Day-O

12. Truckin’

13. Nature Calling (Space Goop Original)

14. Down on the Corner

15. Yellow Submarine

16. Roxanne

I was in Heaven!  I sent him the following: (edited for punctuation and clarity):

"Listening to it gave me an intense pang of (nostalgia?)  It brought me back to a time and place now so long past.  I was not at PSU when this party happened- I transferred up in Fall 86.  However, that semester everything was so new, exciting and different.  One of the biggest differences was my fraternity (I joined at Drexel.)  

One of the best memories was this music.  It seemed EVERYONE in the house had a copy, and it was blasted from the speakers placed in the front windows on beautiful days those first few weeks.  Of course, by then, Goop was gone, so I never saw them.  But the idea of Goop- a party band full of life, and a party on a lawn with students drinking, dancing, and loving their youth- always stayed with me.  

I was adjusting to a new reality in a wonderful new place and had so much ahead of me- so many incredible memories yet to be made.  Space Goop at Acacia will always be a time capsule to that time, and THIS is what you've returned to me: that music and all it means to me.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart."

He sent me the following back:

Little known fact- The agreement I made with the band was 1 long day set then 2 sets inside at night. After the long day set  was concluding, we were having way too much fun to stop. I wasn’t going to change the night schedule so I ran in the house and without authorization wrote the boys a check for another $500 to keep playing. After the night session we partied with the band til sunrise!

So, not only did I get the music, I got a bit of of the story with it!  He also sent some pictures, some of which appear in this blog entry.

As I mentioned, Space Goop broke up over the summer of 1986.  One member, J.R. Mangan, went on to form Stolyn Hours, which became one of the top bands in State College.  They released an album as well.  The other guys played as Ticapoo Brain before disappearing from the State College scene.  J.R. stayed in State College, and has owned the Cafe 210 West for some time now (still one of the best Long Island Iced Teas ever!)

It's been 34 years since that day.  Listening to the music, I wonder what people who weren't there (or never heard of the band) would think of it.  I think it held up well.  My roomie/bestie Linda thought it was quite good.  The songs are still classics (except for the one original, the reggae influenced "Nature Calling") and the renditions are quite inventive, including dropping the Hokey Pokey into Truckin'.  Some of the on-stage patter is... um... dated (a few of the comments wouldn't fly these days) but the rest is cheerful and fun.

I write about nostalgia and my past quite a bit on this blog.  Well, it's my blog and I'll write what I want to, write what I want to, wriiiite what I want to.  I guess I'm not just remembering bits of my life, but I'm still trying to make sense of it.  That first semester at PSU started as a disaster, as I had only one friend, missed my ex-girlfriend, was hated by most of my new fraternity brothers, and ended up working back at Burger King for money.  However, by October, things turned around and became absolute magic (mainly due to a pair of girls I met.)  I still see that as the best semester at PSU, as everything was still so new and fresh and full of firsts.  Also, it ended with the Nittany Lions winning the National Championship over the Miami Hurricanes.  

Writing this, I wonder what happened to the people there.  Who was the drunk girl shouting for a song to be dedicated to her sorority (Chi O)?  She's probably a mom or even a grandmother by now.  Did any couple who eventually married meet there that day?  Does anyone really have a clear memory of it?

Still, I wonder how things would've been different if I DIDN'T have my "dark secret" to hide- if I'd just been cisgender like everyone else.  Or, for that matter, if I'd been born completely female.  I'll never know those answers obviously.  

I'm back at Penn State now, decades later, living my Truth as a woman, albeit a woman of a certain age.  Like all people of my... vintage... I have my memories.  Many of my best (and a few of my worst) were here at Happy Valley, and I'm making new ones frequently, as well as occasionally updating the faces and names of those with whom I shared that magic heartbeat in the late 80s.  As I've written elsewhere, our Penn State is long gone, and lives only in our memories.  Thanks to Brian, and the music of a band long passed, some of those best memories again have their soundtrack.

Thanks to Brian Hulek for generously sharing the music, and his gracious permission to use his photos and words for this entry.

I've added a second entry about this day with stories from people who were there.  Find that HERE.

Exchange with a Professor

In an email exchange with a professor, they asked:

...a lot of other students also feel like their comments on the discussion board "aren't good enough".  I think sometimes this is imposter syndrome (which is soooooo common in PhD programs) AND that I worry that this feeling prevents students from really engaging and enabling us to learn from you!  

So how are you doing?  

I returned the following (link added for this entry):

"Is it imposter syndrome?  Maybe- but I see colleagues referencing all kinds of other authors and their TA experiences, as well as amazing turns of logic... and I ask stuff like "What do you think about that?"   Also, I worry that my experiences, knowledge, and POV are so out of touch (and, to them, repetitive) that they tune me out.  I seriously dread checking discussion boards in my classes (as well as my PSU email) because I fully expect to be called out as a fraud or an idiot and/or dismissed from the program.  

Also, I worry about a very stark fact: assuming I get my degree 5 years after I started it, I will be 59 years old.  Nobody wants to hire a new PhD of that age- period.  Especially with my baggage.  So, what will I do with this degree, aside from have "Dr." inscribed on an urn someday (probably with my dead name)?  People like me are being murdered in the streets, and I'm discussing case studies with people half my age.  I'm a relic from a different time- a museum piece collecting dust as the world falls apart.

So how am I?  Can't say I'm in the best place right now.  I go day by day- due date to due date.  I have a presentation tomorrow in PSY 571 (postponed from last week) and a paper due yesterday (but really this Friday) to write.  Sunday is my Wife's birthday (52) and Monday is my Daughter's (13) so I hope drive down to see them Friday (the only day I'm not working/in class this month) if only for a few minutes.  

The PhD work is hard- but it's supposed to be, and it keeps me busy.  That's a blessing.

Sorry to dump on you, but you asked."

So, in case you were wondering, that's my current status.

I took this yesterday

Update oct 11

 Why do I feel hopeless?

The huge amount of unfinished homework? Including a 300+ page book due tomorrow night?

The fact that I work all day tomorrow?

The fact that I still don't think there will be an election? That the American experiment is over?

Crushing depression?

Time for this day to be over. I have to be at work at 0730. I'm exhausted.

Go ahead- bitch at me for whining, or looking for attention. I don't give a shit. I write how I feel.

From my Old Guy Blog: Blowface

I wrote this piece when I was 40, so 14 years ago (2006-ish).  The book I mention was Men of the Skull.

I'm re-posting it because it's a time capsule so to speak of who I was at that point.  Drinking was one of the most important part of my life.  It was part of my identity, and the cornerstone of my manhood was that I could out-drink almost anyone (German/Scots/Irish genes).

I'll insert comments here and there and they will be italicized. 

I did a light punctuation/grammar edit, but that aside it's exactly how I originally posted it (I also obscured an identity.)  Also, I'll close the entry by doing a "where is it now?" and such.

*********************************************************************

As I’m at a writer’s block on the book, I thought to tell you a different albeit similar tale.  It’s really long, so I divided it into three parts.

 Not really- it was only in two parts.  Nice editing (eyeroll.)

The origin of Blowface is shrouded in mystery.  Perhaps it was brought by alien life forms to the ancient Mali Empire.  Is that Blowface depicted on the inside walls of the tomb of Ramesses II?  Most scholars place it in the mid to late 1980s.  I heard of it in 1989.  It was this legendary drinking game with all kinds of strange antics and guaranteed drunken good times; the type that blackmail pictures and denials are made of.

Of course, I had to play it!

                The problem was that no one had one.  The only person who might have one didn’t drink anymore.  I was told that the game boards were disposable, as they often became beer or vomit covered.  Shit.

I still haven't seen any other version, but then again, I haven't looked.

                So, being young, dumb, and full of cum, in 1991  I took it upon myself to make a Blowface game.  I gathered two people, like-minded, to join me.  We’ll call one of them M and the other C.  M had played the original many times.  C was a US Ranger standing by for deployment to Desert Storm.

The Result was a game of Blowface done on a large white poster board.  Previous versions were linear- you rolled dice and followed the path to the bitter end.  I figured it’d last longer (more drinking) if it were a ring, like monopoly.  M remembered many of the original spaces which we included, and we added new ones from our disturbed minds.  We added cards that you did NOT want to draw.  Physical challenges, like dancing.  We had all original artwork, as all three of [us] had some talent with the pencil.  We added fragments from every drinking game we knew, or spaces that had similar effects.  To be safe, I had it laminated.

The cards were "Punisher" cards, most of which involved chugging multiple beers.

It sucked.  No one wanted to play it more than once.  No repeat playability.  I mean, if you land on the “Talk like Mr. Ed and drink 6” space, that’s all you do.  In any case, it was our baby, and we played it once in a while when C wasn’t overseas.  Eventually, we lost interest, I got married, etc.

Jump ahead to 1996.  C is getting married.  Two nights before, M flies in from *************.  And I have a surprise for them- I found the Blowface board- and the pieces and Batman mask that went with it (for the “Bat-Fuck” space.)  So the three of us played.  Below, you see the results.

M is “Bat-fucked.”  C is amused by this turn of events

Yeah, I was first to puke.  I lose!

We agreed that the game was a lot rougher to play at our advanced ages (I was turning 30 the next day) and C had a great idea.  On that same day, twenty years hence we would play the game again.  He was given custody of board and pieces (but not of the Batman mask.  That was fucking expensive.)  I have not seen Blowface since, nor do I expect to.  See, C moves around a lot, and so I’m sure Blowface disappeared into oblivion during one of those moves.

I still have no idea if it still exists.  

Part 2

 

Years passed.  History became legend.  Legend became myth.  Then, at a company Christmas party in 2002, I talked about the game to some co-workers.  GW was a drinking company then- lots of people from the UK, and we all loved to drink.  Several of them expressed enthusiasm for the game.  So, being stupid, I decided to make Blowface II- my own drinking game.  After all, I worked at a Game company!  I should be able to do this easily!

So I did.  First- what did I NOT like about the last one.  Well, several things. 

One: We made it on white poster board.  This meant that there was a lot of white space (duh).  In fact, it looked like a bunch of scribbles on a big poster board.  It was ugly as hell.  Two:  as three of us worked on it, there were three different styles of handwriting on it, some of which was small and illegible.  Especially when smeared, which it was. Three:  Some of the spaces forced chugs and chugs and chugs.  One space could wipe a person out.  (See picture above).  Four, there wasn’t enough goofy shit.  The reason for drinking games are to 1) prove yourself and 2) laugh a LOT.  Aren't games supposed to be FUN as well?

Ok.  Fix number one: instead of white poster board, I used black.  That would mean that all artwork would have to be attached, which led to Fix number two: create the spaces on the computer to be uniform size and font.  Everything neat and legible.  The art would be painted onto the board or pictures would be drawn (or color photocopied) and attached.  Fix number three:  Simple enough.  Eliminate the really ugly drinking spaces.  Well, most of them.  I kept the deepest pit of Hell.

I wrote out all my possible ideas, made some sketches, and thought of other things.  How to make it more interactive?  Add spaces that involve everyone- but make them special.  Also, I stole from an old GW game (Curse of the Mummy's Tomb) the idea of a piece that everyone moves:  the Chug Monster.

The Chug Monster was simple enough.  If it passes over your piece, you drink.  If it lands in your space, you chug.  If you rolled doubles, you moved the Chug monster. (Talisman Reaper expansion, as well as other games, also use the concept.)

I also added a short cut- the “Bridge of Death.”  (Monty Python reference.  Duh.) This is where the interactive spaces went, and it features the biggest single drinking space on the board- up to 18 drinks.  Still, complete the short cut and you cut off time.

The objective of the game remained the same: collect Golden Chair passes.  To go to the bathroom, you’d have to use a pass.  The new version made it easier with the short cut and two other possible spaces.  Like the old game, there is a section called Hell, but it’s not as bad (no “chug 1d6 beers”).  To balance it, the opposite corner is Heaven.  Mr. Ed stayed in the game, as did Captain Kirk, but those spaces were adapted to provide more variety.  Instead of everyone who lands on that space doing the same silly voice, a die roll would determine what voice the person would do.  (similar to Talisman) There are three of those spaces.  I also added spaces that I stole from another GW game- places to “explore” by rolling a die for various possible effects. (Talisman, again.)

I decorated the board with copies of pictures that I had of friends and other stuff.  In the end, the whole thing looked like this:

Colorful, isn’t it?  The shine you see in the pic is lamination.  I didn’t want it getting ruined.

The lamination and color photocopy cost me $50!!  I did the color photocopy so I'd have a backup copy, and to make it look "smoother."

Here’s a close up of Hell.

Heaven and hell were hand lettered.  Flames, arrows, and that thing in the corner (“Deepest Pit of Hell”) are all hand painted using acrylics. The devils were coworkers at the time, from Halloween parties.

Here’s Heaven:

Same thing: hand painted acrylics.  Photocopies of pictures.  The angel is the wife of a co-worker.  In any case, you can see what some of the spaces are like.

Here are the cards I made:

So- I had the board, I had cards, what next?  Playing pieces!  Working for a miniatures company, I figured that everyone who played would be co-workers and expect some miniatures as gaming pieces.  So I modified a few models to be holding Beer Mugs and painted them.  I then cobbled together a Chug Monster.  However, after a few games, people complained that the Chug Monster didn’t stand out- it just blended into the background.  It was a Chug Wuss.  So, in response to that I made a New & Improved Chug Monster.

Above (L-R): Pirate with Beer Mug, Chug Wuss, Chug Monster

Rear view, in case you like Chug Monster Ass

So then I tested it.  I called a gathering of souls to my house and we played a few times.  It was a LOT of fun, but still needed tweaking.  One person suggested I sell the idea.  Ok.  But what would Joe/Jane College think of the game? 

I tried to set up a group of Penn State students to test it, but after I arrived they all bailed out.  So, sitting alone in a bar with my game, I spied a group of four students eating and drinking.  A little bribe (free beer) later and they played.  They LOVED it!  (They suggested the same tweaks that the other group did.)  I still have their written suggestions for the game.

So the game floated around Maryland for a while.  I brought it to parties where it was played with much enthusiasm.  At one party, someone made a rule that everyone drinks double the amount prescribed.  That killed the game in a hurry.  Then, quietly, it was stored away as I moved back to Pa.  It’s been played once.

That therefore is the story of Blowface II: my drinking game.  I’m now 40 years old.  Would I still play it?  Is it something I should grow out of?  Well, HELL YEAH and maybe.  I’m sure that playing it would crush me for several days, as I don’t recover as gracefully as I used to even a few years ago.

I still have this game.  The board is in storage; the cards and minis are here in my apartment.   Would I play it now?  I really don't know.  I KNOW that I would be sick for days after.  Besides, at my age, who would play?  I could bring it over to the fraternity house, but I'm sure I'd get side-eye and laughed at. I keep it because it cost me so much to make, and because it's a relic of a time in my life long passed.  

The person who made that game was so different to who I am now.  I no longer have to "prove my manhood."  I also don't drink to deaden the howling Pain of my life.   My DUI has a lot to do with that as well.

Still, it LOOKS like fun...