I was at work today, thinking about 2020 ending, and I thought about it from my very small perspective.
2020 sucked bad, yes. It sucked so bad that it's trendy to talk about how bad it sucked. However in my case, it wasn't the worst. 2013 was the worst year of my life. Then 2003. Then 2020. (Then 1989, if you're curious.)
Seriously fake smile
Pandemic. The US hasn't seen one like this in over 100 years. 336,000 dead in this country. We've had several days when more people died than on 9/11. Absolute nightmare. Still, the GOP did nothing. Life before this seems like a distant dream.
Our lives will never be the same for so many reasons. The country is all but in civil war. Nazis roam the streets not just freely, but with police protection. Even after this pandemic is controlled (if it ever is), people will still wear masks. So many businesses have closed or been gobbled up that the landscape of "main street" is an empty shell, and can't recover. So many people lost jobs, loved ones, lives.
On top of that, there's all the rights that people keep losing- especially transgender people. Maybe that will change IF Biden is inaugurated. Longtime readers know I don't believe in Hope. Hope is nothing but the worst of lies. I guess all I can do is keep moving- minute by minute; wake up to wake up. It's all any of us can do.
I hope your holidays were peaceful. I spent Christmas here in State College. Linda and I watched movies, and I slept a lot. That's what I do when I want a day to end. Thanks to a dear friend, I had a gift to open under the tree (thanks Jenny!) I made sure Linda had several gifts- things I'd picked up for her over the year so I could afford them. Just because I hate Christmas doesn't mean I don't want others to enjoy it. Linda deserves some happiness in this life.
I actually had a Christmas wish. When Wife asked what I'd like for it, I said I wanted only one thing: "I want you [Wife and Daughter] to come visit me." I didn't expect that to happen.
It didn't.
So this is yet another holiday without Wife and daughter. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I know others have it much worse. A friend lost her wife of 20 years this week, and I'm complaining? No, I'll never get used to it. So I had a nasty period of deep Darkness for a while. (Someone pointed out to me that the $600 stimulus check we won't get is enough for a shotgun.) Yes, I finally did see them the following Sunday when I drove back to Phoenixville to see them. 2 1/2 hours there, three hours there (at the KOP mall and Valley Forge), then 2 1/2 hours back. That helped.
On facialbook, a dear friend (whom I have never met in person) wrote that my writing about my troubles is "exhausting." They aren't the first to say that. I know. Believe me- I understand. But I can't write Lies. I write about how I feel, and that's... rarely pleasant. Maybe that's why this blog gets so few hits any more. Or that I can't bring myself to write anything these days. Not even my writing journals. Just so dead inside.
The semester ended a few weeks back. I finally received all my grades yesterday. The class I was most worried about had a final paper of 30 pages. I had issues the entire class, as I couldn't quite wrap my head around the material. Paper came back: 26/35 points (that's 74%- a C.) In grad school, an A is acceptable. B is like a D in undergrad. C is "why the hell are you still here?" Fortunately, the rest of my grades in that class (and, I believe, the professor's mercy) meant that I squeaked by with an A-.
Lots of people on facialbook are telling me take the grade and not to worry about it. "Cs get degrees!" Not good enough. I have to prove to Penn State and academia that transgender women can succeed in my field (Adult Education.) I'm studying here to help transgender people now and in the future. I know that sounds arrogant or whatever.
But the fact is that this program is all I have left- the only thing that keeps me going. Minute by minute; wake up to wake up.
The year ends, but time is constant. Just because we say it's a new year doesn't mean that reality suddenly shifts. Maybe just knowing that this horrific year is over will be enough to help some people keep going. I couldn't wait for 2013 to end, and yet, in so many ways it never did. The events echo in my life. Just as 2003 does. 1989. 1985. 1966. Time and memories haunt us all our days. As Elvis Costello wrote in a the song This is Hell:
It`s not the torment of the flames
That finally see your flesh corrupted
It`s the small humiliations that your memory piles up
Maybe I can make someone else's life less a hell. It's all I have left.
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteA blog is a good place to vent. You put your feelings down on "electronic paper" and it helps you process those feelings. No one should tell you that he/she gets exhausted reading the blog - they can always read different blogs.
So keep on writing!!!!
M
Life can be exhausting grief certainly is. Being cut off from family is something that more and more people are experiencing this year, maybe this will help us to empathise with your situation.
ReplyDeleteI know that my own experience of higher education is very different from yours, and that things are done differently each side of the pond, but could you speak to your tutor or the professor concerned and maybe get some one to one on where you are struggling. I know I struggled with the whole academic writing style thing, being used to writing either for trade journals or business reports it is quite different. My tutor was able to spend some time with me and help ~ I managed to get a decent pass!