Thoughts in a Hot Autumn

As I start this entry, its late November, and its 50 degrees outside.  Very warm for this time of year.  It was a Hot summer too- the kind of hot that stirs tempers in some and lethargy in others.  Here in State College, there's been very little rain, and what we got was never substantial. Brown summer grass merges into brown fall leaves as the winter supposedly is coming.  

There was frost this morning though- a month late.  Guess its lethargic too.

This morning, Wisconsin verified Biden had the most votes, but in the age of 45 fascism, that doesn't mean he won.  45 will do anything and everything to keep in power.

It's been a hot autumn, and so very stressful.  Would the American experiment survive?  The world watched and held its breath as a nation with the world's largest nuclear arsenal decided between democracy and fascism.

And they're still wondering.  

Nov 30.  Go figure- I write all that and today we get rain.  Maybe I have weather powers and don't know it?

A lot of my fellow transgender women have been posting incredible pictures on social media of late.  They (rightfully) brag about how much weight they've lost, etc.  They all look gorgeous and I look like Jabba the Hutt in drag.  I've been trying to lose weight but keep gaining.  I had my thyroid checked and its normal. Maybe if I fasted for a month or two I could get my weight down to a human level.  The combination of seeing a guy in the mirror and all that extra weight disgusts me.  I'm not fishing for compliments (I don't believe them anyway,) just writing how I feel.  

Pic: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Hutt/Legends

Not helping my physical situation us the depression that sometimes immobilizes me.

I know- wahhhh.  "Stop complaining."

We're entering the holiday season.  I wonder how working for my current employer will be different than the bookstore or my other jobs during this time.  

Despite not working retail last year, I still have a healthy hate for the holiday season.  I think I always will.  After all, I missed the wonder in my daughter's eyes the last seven Christmases.  Now she's a teen.  And I won't see her this Christmas- I already know that.

Actions have consequences.  My being born different had the consequences that I don't get to have a "normal" life, and am punished by being denied the people I love most.  

Oh well, back to work.  So much homework.  Why am I here?