Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Auld Scots Mum

During transition, there are many Markers.  Milestones.  Events that mark the difference between what came before and what happened after.

Such events as December 10, 2012... when I first started HRT.  Or when I told my Wife about Sophie. Or when I was told I was being thrown out of MIL's house.  The day I met my "Big Sister" Mel was another.  SCC.  All of the Keystone Conferences.  September 16, 2013: Lisa's death.

These events take on special significance when going through a life changing event such as Transition. After all, my life has been essentially burnt to the ground.  I am rebuilding.  My challenge is to rebuild it such that I keep my Daughter in my life, as well as those who mean the world to me.  Such as Wife, Mel, Sandy, Linda, Ally, Hayden... more than I can name (and don't feel slighted if I didn't name you- you know who you are.)

Enroute to Delaware

Last Saturday was a significant day for me.

I drove down to southern Delaware tom see my my Auld Scots Mum.  That would be my mother for those of you who don't speak Scots Gaelic.  I came out to my parents recently, and both pledged support.  I've already written my thoughts on that, for those new to this blog.

In any case, I wanted her to meet her new daughter, but how to do it?  Well, one of the mother- daughter activities I missed out on was shopping.  So I invited mum out for lunch and a day of shopping.  After all, I needed to get some work clothes for the end of March when I go full time as a woman.  She agreed, and we set a date.

Last Saturday, February 22, was that day.

I woke before dawn.  I'd previously asked my roomie, the incomparable Linda Lewis, if she would help me with my makeup.  You see, I'd asked my friends on facialbook how I should dress for this, and while I'm received many conflicting answers about wardrobe, one message was clear- subtle makeup.

I'm getting much better on makeup, but this event was too important for me to screw it up, so Linda said she'd do it for me.  So after showering and shaving, I put on the day's outfit.  I wore a dark pink top with jeans and flats.  Very little jewelry.  I didn't want to shove my femininity in her face.

Linda's makeup was perfect for the occasion (she IS a professional after all- she used to work in Hollywood, and will entertain the idea of doing YOUR makeup if you're local to her... usual fees apply of course).  So, after a false start, I was on my way south.

To Rehoboth Beach, where I was to meet Mum at Ruby Tuesdays.

I arrived EXACTLY on time at 11:30 am (a minor miracle, as I'm usually late.)  I was first to arrive, so I secured a table for two, and ordered us both a glass of Romulan Ale to make the session pass more smoothly.  (Actually it was Pinot Grigio, but whatever.)  Mum arrived and was VERY pleased that I had ordered that drink.  We hugged, and she sat down.

I told her I was nervous and anxious.  She asked me why.  I said that I really wanted her approval.  She said "You look beautiful, dear."

I blushed and smiled.

Now, a lot of what we discussed is private, and will remain so.  Family Business and such.  But I can talk about a few things as they are trans related.

She'd told me in advance that she had some questions for me.  She said she and my dad had some sleepless nights thinking about this, and that they were worried for my safety.  This built up to a question about something I read to them in the letter where I told them I was trans.  (And that is an ugly, yet grammatically correct, sentence.)

In essence she asked "You're facing a life where people will discriminate against you, insult you, possible be violent towards you, so how can you say you're finally at PEACE?"

I looked at her, and, doing my best not to raise my voice for emphasis (a bad habit of mine) I said "It's simple.  All that you say is true.  But compared to all the pain of my life so far, knowing I can live honestly as myself brings me peace."

I don't expect her to understand that.  Hell, it's difficult for any cisgender person to comprehend.  How can I put something so hard to express into words?  

Words are my Life.  I've spent more time with them than with anything else in my world.  Yet for all this, I STILL can't express the Pain to people who simply don't get it.  I KNOW it's a difficult concept.  If it were easy, I could describe it.  It isn't.

In the end I broke it down to the basest element.  "Live daughter or dead son?"

She understood that.

Especially since I brought Lisa into the conversation as an example.

Mum also told me a story of her youth that she'd never shared with me.  I felt closer to her than ever before.  In fact, Saturday was the best time I've had with her in maybe forty years.  Seriously.

After lunch, we went shopping at the nearby Outlets.  She criticized my walk.  I told her I was working on it.

We went to Lane Bryant, New York and Company, and a couple of other places.  I had a budget to follow, but mum didn't care.  She kept handing things over the dressing room door "Try this Sophie!"

Yes, she called me Sophie.

"I cannae have you looking like something the cat dragged in, can I?" she said.  She insisted on items that were more feminine.


She paid for everything.

I mean everything!  She even bought me a necklace of a butterfly wing, as I mentioned that Lisa saw them as her symbol.

So, mum spoiled her daughter rotten!

We hung out for quite some time.  As the sun began to set, I took my leave, as I had a long drive back to PA, and I was up very early that morning.  But before I left, I took a picture.

Mum's face obscured to preserve her anonymity

Then it was back to Pennsylvania, dodging potholes the whole way.

When I arrived back at the house, Linda was waiting, ready to go.  I changed, adjusted my makeup to night, and we went out to celebrate the day.

Looks like a video still!  The Blue top is new.

What a day it was!  So affirming!

I'm still digesting what this means to me.  Did mum always want a daughter?  Did she have fun?  How will our relationship develop?  What about my dad?  My older brother?


So many questions- so few answers.

Only one thing is certain:  one month from today, Lance will have stepped into history, and I will be Full Time as a woman.

Finally.  A Woman.


  1. What a beautiful affirmation of a mother's love for her child! It's so special for her to join 'with' you in celebration of your affirmation as a woman and her love for her new 'daughter'!

  2. You have the unique gift of feeling emotions as they would typically be felt by a man and also as they would be typically felt by a woman. While tears come easily to Sophie my sense is that your male self followed the rule that "There is no crying in baseball".
    You also have the sense of love that a parent has for his/her child. You clearly feel it towards your daughter. It is so wonderful that this sense of parental love from your mother is so strong. This was a wonderful post to read.

  3. Well, I'm not one to comment on blogs usually, but... This made me cry, hon. Go Mom!

  4. This was extremely heart-warming. I appreciate your sharing this.

  5. So extremely heartwarming. I appreciate your sharing this.