Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Darkness

Several months ago, my Sister Lisa Empanada committed suicide.  The following piece was written maybe a week later, as my mind spun deeper into the Darkness.

It's not a long piece.  I never finished it, as I just couldn't.

With Lisa at her Affirmation party, August 2013

I contemplated erasing this piece, after all I don't publish most of what I write.  But I decided to keep this.  I am publishing it so people can see what suicidal thought looks like.  These are the thoughts that echo through the head.  I'd bet that these thoughts sound quite familiar to other suicide "survivors" out there.

People wonder what Lisa was thinking about that final day.  Well, she and I discussed the Darkness many times.  I can say with some certainty that it sounded a LOT like this.

At SCC, Sept 2013.  The last night I saw her alive.

And so, for those reasons I post this.  If you hear things like this being expressed by a loved one, it's a major red flag.  Get them help.  NO ONE can pull out of this alone.  Period.

Get them help or you may lose them as we all lost Lisa.

I must also say that I no longer feel this way.  Thanks to the help of caring people and of my therapist, I managed to pull away from the Darkness, and LIVE.

After all, I made promises.  Promises that I'd live to be the Woman I am destined to be.  I promised Lisa.

So.  Here it is: completely unedited.


I am totally worthless.

I have no value.  I could die tonight and no one would know or care. I would lay dead for days before anyone would notice.

What am I anyway?  I'm a freak.  No one cares about the freak. 

Let's face it.  I've failed at everything in my life.  I've failed as a man.  I've failed as a woman.  I've failed as a husband and a father.  I fail as a friend.  I can't find a real job, and can barely hold the ones I have.

I always say the wrong things.  I piss people off.  I do the wrong things.  hell, I chose teaching and where has that gotten me?  I work retail for fucks sake.  I'm poor.  Broke.  And broken.

What's the point anyway?  Who am I helping by staying here?  no one.  I'm a burden on all who are stuck knowing me.  Nothing but a dead weight dragging everyone down.

There's no point.  No point in being alive when i Know what follows.  And Lisa is waiting for me there.  We can explore the afterlife together, laughing into eternity.

I would be long gone before anyone even knows.  I could be at peace, away from all the pain.  Wife would be revieved.  No more Sophie to worry about or to be embarrassed about.  No explaining to daughter needed.  Both would forget soon enough and be happy.

no one needs me.  So I don't need me.  I dont need pain.  All i need is for it all to end.


  1. Well, dear lady...I am one that am SO GLAD that you have weathered this storm, as you are now blossoming in ways that probably never was thought possible by you. It shows that the darkness is powerful, but change is MORE powerful! Change in situation, change in thought processes, change in a mindset that YOU can, and will succeed! Much love to you! <3

  2. I have to agree with Ally, I am GLAD you did not give in to the darkness. I have also seen the changes, the GOOD changes you have made. I have experienced the goodness in you, the loving, caring person you truely are. As you continue in your life, know that all your friends are there for you! Love &Hugs <3

  3. Sophie,

    I am so glad you have been able to move forward and hope sincerely the darkness has been left behind, You seem to be making such progress and it is a gift the way you share your life.

    Your post is so accurate as to the voices in my is hard to have any self worth and it interferes so with leading a "normal" life.

    Keep striding forward!

    Emily x