Saturday, March 3, 2012

Being Practical

Today is Saturday, and tonight is a Laptop Lounge.
So the plans were in place. I told my wife I was working. I reserved a room at Motel 6. I had my outfit picked out. And beforehand, I was going to go somewhere as Sophie. Be it the mall or wherever, I was going as a woman and expanding my horizons.

Wanna go to the mall?

Then I got sick.

Not horrible sick, but just a bad cold. And I looked at my bank account.

And I looked at my schedule.

And I cancelled my reservations and decided to stay in tonight. No Sophie time.

This was a very practical decision. After all, next week is the Raven party. The week after is my usual outing to Renaissance and third Saturday Laptop. And the week after that is the Keystone Conference.

A typical Sophie outing, including room and typical drinking, runs me about $200. If I get a makeover, add $80 to that.(I tip Amanda well.) Tonight I was doing my own makeup so that wasn't a consideration. Still, that's $200.

Then the Raven next week, then Rennaisance and  Laptop. Then Keystone.

Keystone. I've paid for it already, and the money is set aside for the room. Still that's four nights out with three dinners, then the bar scene. Oh, and if I go shopping? More.  And did I mention I'm presenting? 

I work two jobs, but realize maybe $250/week. The rest goes to family expenses. So going out crushes my weekly income. Then there's the storage space to pay.

So I made the absolutely practical decision here. I mean, besides, I feel sick so I won't enjoy it as much, and I don't want to get my friends sick. So I made the indisputable right choice.

Does this look like a practical woman to you?

So why is it that when I made this decision, I got very, very depressed.

An opportunity to be myself is passing and I'm not taking it. I could be out as a woman, learning and experiencing. But I'm not. I'll sit at home, practically grounded, with my wife, her mother, and my four year old. And while sitting there I'll know that my sisters are out having fun and being themselves without me.
I don't make sense. At all. Practice self denial tonight so I can have a better time later. And I understand that. But that doesn't make me feel any better.
Ah well. I'll get over it. I'll get over this cold and the depression. Tonight I'll have some wine at home and silently toast my sisters' health.

And next week I'll go to the Raven.

Quoth the Raven "Drinksomemore"



  1. I simplely love the dress in " want to go to the mall". It's stunning. Hope, on your future outing you get some good photo's (-: Karen

  2. I'll be honest, as a parent of two young children, I get annoyed when I read blogs where trans people seem to not give a crap about them. I read this blog entry and wondered if you were one of those people. I decided to look around through your blog and see if I was just jumping to conclusions.

    I read through about 20 entries, found this one and decided that I didn't jump to conclusions.

    " Then there's my daughter. She's only three. How would that sound? "Daddy ran off to be a woman.""

    Not "I love her too much." No, you wrote, "How would that sound?" It sounds to me, at least from what I found here, that you care far more about yourself and your crossdressing than you do your daughter.

    Step up to your responsibility as a husband and a father. Be honest with your wife and stop doing whatever-it-is-you're-doing in these hotel rooms you rent while you lie to your wife, who is at home with your young child, about what you're doing.


    1. You raise some very good points, Fionnuala. I also re-read what I wrote and all I can say is "Guilty."

      As for my responsibility as a father, I have never shirked that. Most of my money goes to the family, and most of THAT to caring for my daughter.
      As a husband? Well, I'm a bad husband and I know it. Does that make me a bad father? Maybe.
      That said, if you've been reading my blog, you'd see that when I finally tell my wife, I'll be thrown out on my ass. Then I'll be an absentee father. This is why I lie. And I hate lying.
      Still, you bring up very valid points, and I thank you for it.

  3. So sorry you couldn't make it out Sophie. But as you say we have a busy month ahead and just as you missed first Saturday I'm going to have to miss the 17th, I'll not be sick but it is a matter of being practical. I understand what you are going through in missing this opportunity to be yourself and I imagine it is hard if not impossible for someone not impacted by your life issues to be able to understand, let alone judge.
    I will see you next Saturday for dinner I hope and will have a big hug for you.
    (unless you're still sick) ;o)

  4. Luv your stories and pixs..