Monday, March 5, 2012

For Fionnuala

As a comment to my last post, a blogger named Fionnuala took me to task about my relationship to my daughter.  I quote:

"It sounds to me, at least from what I found here, that you care far more about yourself and your crossdressing than you do your daughter.
Step up to your responsibility as a husband and a father. Be honest with your wife and stop doing whatever-it-is-you're-doing in these hotel rooms you rent while you lie to your wife, who is at home with your young child, about what you're doing."

I replied to her in the comments as well:

"You raise some very good points, Fionnuala. I also re-read what I wrote and all I can say is "Guilty."[cut]
As for my responsibility as a father, I have never shirked that. Most of my money goes to the family, and most of THAT to caring for my daughter.

As a husband? Well, I'm a bad husband and I know it. Does that make me a bad father? Maybe."

I've been thinking of what she wrote the past couple days.

My initial reaction was along the lines of "my relationship with my daughter is none of your fu**ing business."  And you know what?  I still think that.  But Fionnuala raises a good point, even if she misses mine:

Selfishness of parents, especially in this situation.  It will take me a bit to develop my point, so stay with me.

My daughter is four.  She is my only child, and will always be that as my wife and I will not have another.  I work two jobs to provide food for her and to save for her future education.   Pretty selfish of me I know.  BUT- I also spend money on my feminine life.  The feminine life that I hide from my wife, my family, and my friends, and especially my daughter.

I grew up in a one income household.  My dad busted his ass to provide for his family.  He worked swing-shift work, which meant he was often asleep or tired when I saw him.  I preferred him asleep because he used to beat the hell out of me and my brother.  he raised us in the way he was raised- "spare the rod, spoil the child."  His father was very abusive to him, and I'd bet that went up the generations.  My brother was known to beat on his girlfriends, but I don't know if he is violent toward his wife.  I don't think she'd tolerate that.

So, what did I learn from my dad?  Hard work and fear.  I have never forgotten those lessons.  My dad is now a broken down old man.  The effects of defoliants he was exposed to overseas are taking their toll.  I tower over him by four inches and am much stronger.  He can hardly walk.  He still terrifies me.

I swore long ago that I would break this cycle of abuse.  My solution- never have kids.  End the line.

My wife had other ideas, obviously.  After a miscarriage that nearly ended the marriage, she eventually became pregnant... while supposedly on the pill. 

So.  Now I'm a father.  My model for fatherhood?  An abusive bastard.  Great.  So what do I do?  Exactly the opposite of what he would in a given situation.  Being a father terrifies me.  If I screw up, it's not just my daughter that is affected, but her heirs as well.

My daughter was about a year old when I rediscovered myself.  So while trying to be a good dad, I also am learning to be the woman inside.

So, having been what everyone else expects/demands for 41 years of my life, is it selfish to discover who I am?  To learn about my true self?  I say it is not... but my daughter should not (and as far as it's in my power will not) suffer for it.  Many say that when a person becomes a parent, their life ends.  It's all about the kid from then on.  And I see the truth in there.  I counter with this- if my life is over, why continue it?  No, my life is NOT over.  It's fighting to begin.

Fionnuala says she sees a lot of selfish crossdressers ignoring their kids.  And that is probably true.  I've read her blog.  It's a passionate read, and tears at the heart.  I recommend it.  She is at a different stage in her life- she has had SRS and lives as a woman 24/7.  Her wife is fighting her tooth and nail for the children they both love.  So I understand why the very idea of someone ignoring their children would get her angry. 

I am NOT 24/7 yet.  Right now, my female time starts and ends in motel rooms.  When the time comes, and the fecal matter hits the rotating cooling device, I know my wife will fight hard to paint me as a freak and get total custody of my daughter.  And I will lack the financial resources to fight it. 

Do I love my daughter, Fionnuala?  Yes, I do.  Do I discuss this outside of my family?  No, I don't.  Why?  Because my family is no one else's business.  My blog is about my fem side, not about my family except for how it touches them- which right NOW it doesn't.  Except for the one night a month (sometimes two) I am away from them to be Sophie.  Am I just a crossdresser, using that night to cheat on my wife while wearing a dress in a sleazy motel room?  No.  I am on a journey- and my journey continues.  I am guessing that most of the people who read my blog understand that.  I have never cheated on my wife, unless you count myself as the other woman.  Do I cheat her of time?  Am I a bad husband?  You'd have to ask her. 

My daughter will learn of Sophie someday, that is true.  And she will have to deal with it as all the children of transgendered parents do.  I pray God gives her the strength.

I wish Fionnuala all the luck in the world.  That said, as for her judgment of my life based upon what little of it I share here?   I say Learn more about your target before judging.

To do otherwise?


Loving father?

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