Monday, March 19, 2012

Pink Hangover

Saint Patrick's Day was a Saturday this year.  Here in the US, it's a day that people pretend to be Irish and drink far too much.  (People with actual Irish blood skip the pretend part.)

Saturday was also my usual night out as Sophie. 

I live in a suburb of Philadelphia.  St. Patrick's Day is a major thing around here.  I've had some big drinking times on this day in the past.  But I've also learned a few things.  First, that it's amateur night: every idiot will be out drinking far too much and Second: every cop on the payroll would be out there waiting for them.  So I resolved that it would be far too dangerous for me to drink that night- I'd need my wits about me.  Besides, I needed to save money.

So, I did my own makeup, threw on a green sweater dress and headed out.

Wearin' o' the Green

My friend Suzanne from Harrisburg was down, and we went to ShangriLa for some dinner.  While we sat there at the bar, a woman sat close to us.  She started asking me questions.  It turns out she was a psychologist, and she knew very little about Transpeople.  She asked some good questions, and was surprised by some of the answers.  Suzanne and I told her about Renaissance, Laptop Lounge, and about the upcoming Keystone Conference.  I get the opinion that a seed was planted there and she will go learn more.

From there to the Renaissance meeting, then to Laptop. 

Now came the hard part- I promised myself I wouldn't drink.  Could I keep my resolve?  What if someone bought one for me?

Laptop wasn't as crowded as usual.  I'm guessing that many people were out at other places.  There were some new faces there, though.  One of them was flirting with my "Big Sister" Mel when I came over.
He said I looked like a cross between Vivien Leigh (As Scarlett O'Hara) or Olivia DeHaviland.  I rolled my eyes.  Oh please!

Ummm, I don't think so.

I had a fun night.  I had a great time talking to people and met some new people.  As the night went on, people got their usual good time drunk on, and there was dancing.  Many people complimented my makeup, which really helped my confidence.

Eventually, it was time to go. As I said my goodbyes, I noticed a couple people who were very drunk and I hoped they would get home safely. 

I went back to the motel, cleaned up, and headed toward home.  I encountered a police checkpoint on the way and saw a couple people undergoing "the test." 

I did it!  I was out the whole night- on Saint Patrick's Day no less- and didn't have a drink!  I was really proud of myself!


I woke up the next morning without one hangover, caused by alcohol.  However I have another familiar hangover, which I call the "Pink Hangover." 

The Pink Hangover holds me hard in its grip.  It is the feeling after having a wonderful night out as Sophie, then waking up as a drab male.  I can't talk to anyone about the fun I had: about the conversations, the jokes, the happenings that made us all laugh and smile.  I can't discuss how wearing a certain outfit felt, or how happy I was when someone complimented my look.

I can't tell anyone how I am Sophie and the rest is increasingly the lie.

That's the Pink Hangover- feeling miserable after a great time and wishing I could still be out and about as Sophie.  Yes, I know life isn't just about nights out and that being a transperson is hard.  But it's who I am.  And so I endure this hangover with no cure.  (And I know others feel it as well- my friend Lisa from Baltimore described it perfectly in private correspondence.)

And so I wait.  In a couple weeks, I will be at the Keystone Conference, and I will have a week as Sophie.  I will learn more about being me, and learn new things about myself.  And the hangover will be really hard after that.  Until the next time comes.

Who will I be meet next time?  And who will I be compared to?

1 comment:

  1. sophie
    i looove the leggins and tunic sweater look on you!
    i must say though we have all experienced the "pink hangover" ( and i don't like the taste of alcohol so i don't drink) even though i am out for the most part to almost everyone i know at this point ( with a very few exceptions ) i still wake up with the desire to dress in fem . and i am out (although down to 1/2 time lately) with encouragement to show up as diana most places i go! and yet i still need to decide what the days events will be before i dress for the day. the worst part about the early warm season is that i can't even partly dress underneath as i have done most of the winter. so when i finish the days events i still need to change fully. which just slows me down from getting out as diana. i
    i have found the world doesn't care but there are times it just isn't practical even if i were a gg to dress pretty. as some of the days events would require even a gg to be in stronger clothing to stand up to the job being done . *sigh* to be able to wear pretty party or office wear every day would be nice though...