Friends?

My "big sis" sent me this article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.html?_r=1&emc=eta1&pagewanted=all

This is a New York Times article about Friends.  Not the TV show from all that time ago, but friends who have fallen away, and the whole "why and how" of that.

Started me thinking: so many of us lose friends as time goes on, especially as we come out to them.  How does this happen?

I've heard that for the most part its "see you later" or the "slowly back away" type thing. 

I've been going out as a woman actively for over three years.  Have I lost friends?

Lost?

Yes.

Well, more "mislaid."

To make time and room for all the new friends I've made as Sophie, I've had to sacrifice time for my older friends.  But were they truly FRIENDS or more like aquaintences.

At the Raven last month

In an earlier blog, I talked about going to a party with some of my oldest friends.  Since the time I wrote that, one of them has died.  These, my oldest friends- have I seperated from them?  Yes.  I rarely see them.  We all have families and several live far away.  It's rare when we get together.  We do when possible, though. 

Friends from old jobs?  Aside from Facebook, I never hear from them.  Expected, as I am no longer "in their circles."  I don't matter.  I accept that even if I tried really hard, that time has passed.  How did I manage this?  Just never called, etc.  So I guess they were aquaintences.  Ok, there is ONE from an old job I keep in touch with, but haven't seen in years.

Old girlfriends?  Oh please. 

Current work friends?  This is where most of the time has been cut.  I rarely go out after work anymore (saving money for Sophie-time.)  Weekends?  If I have time/occasion, I'm in a skirt.  Would be rather hard at this stage of my development to explain that.  Maybe someday soon, but not today.  So are they really friends?  Ummmm I'd say two of them are.  The rest?  Ships passing in the night.  Acquaintences. 

At Keystone 2011

So.  All these people.  If I tell them about my feminine identity, how would they react?  I've been told by many that one can never guess.  Of my oldest friends, the one I felt most confident about accepting me as a woman is the one who is dead.  Past work friends?  Ummm... who cares?  Callous I know but as I don't affect them, nor do they affect me.  The one I keep in touch with will drop me instantly (hard core right wing Marine.)

Current work friends?  Aye, there's the rub.  They would have to work with me, unless I'm fired.  Would they still want me to hang out?  I have no idea. 

With Kimberly from Texas

So I've made all these new friends as Sophie.  And I have my "male" friends.  Should they meet?  Well, they have.  Sometimes my trans friends come into the store where I work.  Everyone at work knows I have trans friends.  But, conveniently, I have a lie in place as to "why."  Maybe they buy it, maybe they don't.  I won't know until they find out the truth. 

So- these new friends: friends or aquaintences.  Most are aquaintences, currently.  Some have become friends.  One thing's for sure, they won't abandon me for being Sophie, as that's all they know.  They are my safety net as I am theirs.

Neither Friend nor Aquaintence.  Just a person I met once

So how would I lose them if the time comes?  I don't plan that sort of thing.  I don't WANT to plan that.  I'll leave that to them. 

Hopefully, it won't happen.

Jan-tics

So January isn't even over and I've been out twice! (Yes, the press have been alerted. Press conference at noon tomorrow.)




But it wasn't just the going out part that has made this month... different? Special?



Well first I'll say why I was out.



The first was a late "New Years Eve Party" at the Raven in New Hope. This was hosted by Jen Bryant and Victoria. They'd done these big parties there before, but I didn't attend. In fact, I'd never been to the Raven before. I hadn't planned on going, but suddenly I had the opportunity so I took it.



So that day I went up to Amanda Richards to get my makeup done. After all, they were expecting maybe a hundred gurls there so I wanted to look my best! I wore my favorite LBD and a little... help. ;) My friend Linda Lewis told me about a way to get the best cleavage from what I have: the Miraculous bra by Victoria Secrets. It would give me great cleave AND increase my size by 2 cups (making me an E cup). So that was my secret weapon going in.

LBD time!

I arrived after a 90 minute drive from Amanda's.  The bar was beautiful!  Carved wood and stained glass.  Several Tgirls were there already, and I fell into conversation. 

A friend, Jen Bryant and me.  You can see the difference the bra made in this pic! 

Photo courtesy Jen Bryant

The plan was dinner for maybe 40, then party time!  The menu was great and I sat with fun people, one of whom I'd never met (Lisa from Baltimore.)  I didn't drink much as my Sophie Sense (patent pending) was tingling.  The road home was one favored for drunk driving checkpoints and I don't think walking the straight line would've possible in heels, sober or not!  The service at dinner was impeccable and the food was great.

Lisa, Victoria, Me, at the table

There were so many camera flashed during dinner, it was like the red carpet at the Oscars- a veritable strobe light!

After dinner, the picture taking began in earnest.  People everywhere with cameras.  I flitted about, talking with people and had a good time.  And the bra was a hit.  I wasn't getting much eye contact.

A drunken lesbian hit on me.  She was cute, and very complimentary, but reeeeally drunk.  Maybe ten minutes later I saw two guys carrying her limp form toward the door.

Then the music started. 


I won't say it was loud, but my fillings rattled out of my teeth.  So I went into a side room.  20+ guys singing show tunes.  I'm not kidding.  Cliche city.  Here is where most of the "names" of the Philly trans scene were hanging out. 

I left around 11.  My cover story was I was at work, I needed to be cleaned up and home by 1:30ish.  As I left, I saw the great Lady Ellen, and we spoke briefly.

So I was thirsty.  Two doors down from the Raven is a Wawa (mini market chain around here).  I drove over and just walked in like it was nothing.  Mind you, I'm dressed to party, breasts hanging out, etc.  No one even blinked.

No one cared.

Wow.  I'd actually gone into a store with no issue.  Granted, it was in "friendly" New Hope, but it was still an achievement for me.  I'm still happy about that. 

Drove back to the hotel, cleaned up, and was home at 1:30 on the nose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so last weekend was Laptop Lounge, my usual haunt.  I wore a new outfit and visited Amanda as usual. Aside from the three inches of snow, all was going well.  I went to the Renaissance Meeting as usual.  Good times there too.  Met some new people.

Oh, and did I mention the short skirt?

Ok, so I arrived at Laptop and go to the bar per usual.  At the bar, people were saying Joe Paterno is dead.  Now for those of you who don't know, Joe Paterno was coach of the Penn State football team for 40+ years.  He'd been in the hospital lately as he had lung cancer.  Oh, and if you didn't know, I am a Penn Stater.

So I felt my stomach drop out.  Then I saw on the bar TV that he was still alive.  Damage done though.  I was trembling. 

It's hard to explain what "Joepa" means to me as a Penn State grad.  Let's just say the news affected me more than when close family members died and leave it there, ok? 

So I was dressed all sexy, but I no longer felt sexy.  I was glad to see friends, but I felt sick.  My heart wasn't in it. 

So I hung around for a bit, talked to people, tried to enjoy myself and learn something, but the evening was ruined.

I left early (for me.) 

Joe Paterno died the next morning.

All that said, I felt perfectly natural being a woman that night.  I didn't feel a bit self conscious.  Perhaps that was due to the Wawa experience.  Perhaps because I loved the way I looked. 

That said, I was showing devastating cleavage and wore an incredibly short skirt.  Not very appropriate to anything but a bar.  And as I've mentioned, I have to get past that.  I intend to dress far more appropriately next month, and take a walk somewhere.  Like the mall.  Or a restaurant.  Or both.

Joe Paterno once said "Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things."  It's one of the things Penn State taught me, and that lesson has gotten me through some very dark times.  The path ahead will definitely hold dark times, as well as good times like the Raven experience.  If I continue further down the path as Sophie, then the darkest times may yet be ahead.  But I'll have those words, and the support of friends to help me toward my dream. 
 
Dreams can come true.  And one person can make a difference, even if that person isn't perfect. 
 
Sleep well, Coach.

Facebook Question: FFS

In an effort to spur my creativity and to have more to discuss, I asked my Facebook friends to pose questions to me that i would answer here in my Blog.

I received

ONE

reply.


But that one reply was a good one.  Tammyrae asked:

"After being fulltime for over a year and as funds are saved, the thought of FFS and bottom surgery run through the head, which is more important and why?"

I can answer this for myself alone.  I know that some transwomen view their penises as an invading monster or as something that needs to go NOW.  Some others, not so much.

In my case, I think FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) is more important and should come first.

Why?

Well have you seen me?

In my case, having a more feminine face would add so much to my self confidence.  I've been told that confidence is the key to passing. 

Would I ever completely pass as a woman?  With my body type, doubtful.  But I want to be as feminine as I can be.  My face, people see.  My genitals, I can hide.  And for that matter, My breasts, I can fake.

How much does FFS matter to me?  I've done my research on who is considered the best in the field.  Funny how they're also the most expensive, isn't it?  But this is my FACE I'd be messing with.  I don't want a hack who doesn't know what they're doing.  So I save.  And Save.  At this rate I'll have the money by 2157.

As to bottom surgery- would that be important?  Well if I'm getting one, the other would follow.  In good time.  That said, my current insurance covers that.

In any case, all of these things are down the line a bit.  For now, I am still closeted and wishing.


Thanks for the Question, Tammyrae!  (I'm still taking questions, btw.)

Oh, one more thing.  My friend Ms. Lindsay performed FFS on a few pics of mine.  Here are 2 of them.

I may be stupid for thinking this, but I think the pics look quite good.  And If FFS is this effective... well I want it.  :)

Plans for the year

It’s a new year.  While not a blank slate (let’s face it, time is a constant), it’s as good a time as any to reflect and change direction as any.
If you’ve been following this blog, you know the state of affairs currently.  I dress when I can, and my wife doesn’t know.  None of my friends know from my male side.  If my wife were to find out, she’d probably toss me out on my butt.  She’s not very tolerant of LGBT issues.  Nor is her mother, the hard core tea party right winger. 

So, I was at my therapist today and we discussed my future as Sophie.  My future looks rough.  Let’s face it- like many TG, I face ridicule, loneliness and poverty if discovered.  And there’s one bit we discussed that we really stayed away from before: my appearance. 

Since I usually am out one night a month, and that night is a TG night at a bar, I tend to dress up.  I show off my legs or breasts or both.  I get made up.  Sometimes, I look rather drag-ish.

Yeah, drag queen look.  For sure.

Occasionally, I dress down.  I don’t have many pics of that as I don’t carry my camera everywhere.  But let’s face it- if I ever intend to be a woman full time, I’ll have to blend in a bit.  Jeans and a top. 

Let’s review of the times I’ve been out and about and NOT been overdressed. 

On the way to Albany two years ago for the Empire Conference, I went shopping for the first time at an outlet.  I bought chocolate and a black top.  I was so scared I was visibly shaking, even with Jen along.  Jen actually masterminded this part of the trip. 

At the Outlet Mall

In Albany, I went to a drug store to get some Zantac.  The woman behind the counter didn’t want to ring me up.  I insisted.

 Shopping in Albany.  Yes, it's the same skirt.

At Keystone last year, I walked over to the Lane Bryant near the hotel alone.  In fact, I wore the black top I bought in Albany. I wrote about that here:

http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/2011/03/keystone-kapers.html

 If this isn't exactly the outfit, it's close.

Last spring (2010) I went for a walk through the very crowded King of Prussia mall on a busy Saturday night.  This is near where I live and I could’ve run into anyone I knew.  One short guy laughed at me.  I just threw my shoulders back, head held high and smiled.  I went to the MAC store and bought lipgloss.  When I went back to my car, I felt I was gonna have a heart attack. I wrote about that here: 

http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/2011/04/just-another-night.html

Look familiar?

Last summer- at the Trans-health Conference in downtown Philly I walked about the Reading Terminal Market.  But there were many of us around, so I don’t really count that one.

There's that skirt again!

Then at Rehoboth, I walked around a couple times alone during the day as a woman.  Once was in a skirt, and there are pics of that.  The next time was in jeans and a black sweater (did my own makeup) and there are no pics of that, but I did a photoshop composite of what I was wearing using other pics of me. I wrote about that here: 

http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/2011/11/sophie-at-beach.html

On the Rehoboth boardwalk

I wore a different belt and necklace, but this is what I wore,

So, now it’s 2012.  If I’m going to be Sophie, I need more time AS Sophie, and not just dolled up at a bar. 

I need to be me in broad daylight.  As a woman.  Trying to blend in.

Here’s the difficulty- I’m 6’1” tall and I have shoulders like an aircraft carrier.  As I am, few will mistake me for anything but a TG.  The trick is not to care.  To discover if I am truly a woman, or if it’s just a part time thing.  “Put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars,” as the song says.

Is warming a barstool while wearing a skirt worth dissolving my marriage and career and old friendships? 

What about being a full time woman?

Tough questions, right?  Maybe, maybe not.

Ok, so what’s the ideal Sophie day out?

I’d wake up and prep.  Drive somewhere to do some window shopping.  Maybe a museum instead.  Go to a fun place for lunch and read a book.  Smile and enjoy a drink.  Walk about a little more.  Maybe then meet friends somewhere. 

What would I wear? Jeans or maybe a denim skirt.  Maybe that black top.  Sunglasses.  If it’s chilly, a sweater.  Nothing revealing.  Blend in.  Look like any other woman.

Ok, so when?

I work two jobs, so I’d need a day off both.  And a day when I could get home and cleaned up before anyone else returned.  That narrows it down to a “wait and see.” 

It will happen though.  It’s my next step as a woman. 

And I’ll tell you all about it when I do. 

Oh, speaking of dressing up at a bar, there’s a huge event this Saturday in New Hope, PA.  Close to a hundred t-girls are gathering for a “Late New year’s Eve.”  I wasn’t going to go, but I figured out how I could.  Tell you all about it soon.  As it’s a gala, I will be showing off a bit of leg and cleavage.  Drag queen Sophie.  Something like this probably.

 But not blonde.  And different shoes.

You know, same as I’ve always done.

12 Days

Just for a little fun, I bring you:

Sophie Lynne’s

Twelve Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Big Sis gave to me...

Twelve Smiling Admirers

Eleven ENDA Wins

Ten Painted Nails

Nine T-girls Dancing

(picture courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge)

Eight Perfect Gowns

Seven Gurls Lip-synching

Six Conference Nametags

FIVE INCH BLACK PUMPS

Four Drinks of Wine

(picture courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge)

 

Three Laptop Lounges

Two D-cup forms

And No Runs in my panty-hose

And Now for Something Completely Different

This is copied from my friend Christen Bustani’s blog with her kind permission. You can read the whole post at http://christenbustani.blogspot.com/p/what-is-it-like-to-be-transgendered.html


Her blog is well worth a read!


“What can it possibly feel like to be transgender?


It's difficult to imagine what it must feel like to be transgender if you are not. And if you are not transgender then your mind and your body match. One way to try to understand what it's like to be transgendered would be as this example...


Let us for instance imagine that you are a genetically born woman who is attractive and feminine. Now imagine that you wake up one day and find that you are suddenly a man. You can no longer wear your earrings or jewelry, your hair will be cut and you can wear no makeup or any of the colorful and expressive feminine clothes you wore. You find that you now have muscles and are covered with hair on your body. You will be treated as a man by your fellow women and must now try to act as a man in order to integrate with them.



You are now required to do this for the rest of your life.

Every time you get dressed, every time you gaze into the mirror, every time you come in contact with another person; who you know yourself to be and who you appear to be are in complete contrast. Stress will build as you are forced to be who you are not. Welcome to being transgender.”



Christen hit the nail on the head. Dead on. She develops the reasons for transgenderism in her blog- the science and all that. You can read that there.

I want to talk about the flip side of this- and a topic I don’t discuss much.

Joy.

Tis the season and all that, I guess.

Going back to Christen’s example- imagine you are that man, and you then dress like the woman you SHOULD be. That first look in the mirror when you’re ready: Joy.

Doesn’t matter how you look. You see in the mirror who you should be.

I see Sophie.

I see long hair. Earrings, makeup, usually a dress or skirt, hose and heels. I see a smile on painted lips. And the one word that can describe it can only be Joy.

Life for many of us is very rough. We have bills, jobs we don’t like (or no jobs at all), circumstances that make us depressed. Some of us ARE depressed- or worse. My outlet, my saving grace, is seeing a woman in the mirror, and knowing She is Me.

Someday I may continue down this path and be that woman inside and out. And that Joy will be much more often (along with all the stress, anger and heartache that is transition- I’m not blind, but I’m really trying to be positive in this post!)

The very idea that I could be, maybe, someday- that person who I’ve wanted to be most of my life: the Woman in the mirror those wonderful rare times I can dress- sometimes that’s all I have to keep me going.

And knowing people who have DONE it, have walked the path and come out the other side… that’s priceless.

So, picture that Joy- that total happiness I feel when I see myself in that mirror. Imagine that bliss and the smile that comes with it…



And that it what I wish for you this season.

Be well.  And enjoy your holidays!

Thanksgiving?

A couple weeks ago here in the US was Thanksgiving Day. It’s the day set aside by President Lincoln for us to count our blessings and gather as families. These days it’s still about family (usually) but it’s also the day when people eat way too much (if they can) and prepare for Christmas bargain hunting. Some go to parades featuring big balloons.

Not those big balloons!  (Pic from Beauty at the Beach)

Many still count their blessings.

In an effort to avoid my wife’s family, who were visiting, I was going to type a quick blog listing what I am thankful for, etc. But who would want to read it? I mean really?

So for what do I have to be thankful? Let’s face it- my life isn’t ideal. But I have my health and all, and at least I’m employed.

But then there’s that whole “woman” thing. Am I thankful for that?

Is THIS something to be thankful for?

To be transgendered (I’m using the term broadly here) in the US means the possibility of being murdered, beaten, or sexually assaulted just because you exist. Never mind the whole “you’re a freak” thing we encounter. Prejudice. No one will hire you. Getting laughed at. Tears.

Why be thankful for that?

Some say that being TG is a choice. We do this because we are perverted. Or worse.

Well, if you’re reading this, I’m betting you already know it isn’t a choice. Setting ourselves for all that hatred voluntarily would not be sane.

Yet we do it. I do it.

Pics are from November 2011 Laptop Lounge

Being Sophie feels so natural. In the short times I can dress, I feel so much better about being me. I feel like all is right with the world- That I am who I am supposed to be.

So let’s look at what being Sophie has brought me for which I am thankful.

Since coming out, I have met a whole world of new people. Prior to then, I hadn’t met a single TG. Now I know many from all over the country, and thanks to MySpace and Facebook, all over the world. I’ve made some very good friends- friends I wouldn’t have met if not for this.

With Friends.  Pic courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge

I’ve been able to test myself, especially my courage. As most of you know, it takes a LOT of courage to take that first step out the door, especially when just starting. Now I’ve learned to walk with my head held high as I stride forward. I’m also learning new skills, like makeup and dressing appropriately for an occasion. Ok, so “appropriate’ is still not exactly something I do.

I also test my resolve. How determined am I to BE Sophie? I had a vision as to what I wanted to look like, and went out to find the pieces to get me there. The weight thing is taking time. So, now I LOOK like Sophie. Do I have the resolve to BE Sophie- really be a woman? Time will tell. If asked 5 years ago “do you want to be a woman?” I would’ve laughed at you, and secretly answered “yes” to myself. Now? I think it’s a matter of time and circumstance. The family part is messy- as is the whole living arraignments thing, but that’s another story.

But the answer is still “yes.”

So, I AM thankful for my feminine side. Very thankful, because I am learning about who and what I truly am. I am growing in ways I never dreamed possible and I hope I can continue to do so.

Last but not least, I am thankful for the people who read this Blog. Currently there are 21 subscribers, and I am so happy to have all of you! Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts!

Thank you so much for reading!

An alumnae's thoughts on Horror

A lot has happened at my alma mater in the past couple weeks. In case you’ve been hiking in the distant Misty Mountains with 12 dwarves and haven’t heard, a former assistant football coach at Penn State was arrested for having sex with underage boys. In addition, the head coach, Joe Paterno, was fired after 60 years of service and the president of the university, Graham Spanier, resigned. This is because they may or may not have known what was going on and didn’t stop it.
I’m not here to debate the facts, rumors, or anything else of the case. Even though he is presumed innocent until found guilty, Sandusky has already caused so many people pain- his alleged victims, his former coworkers, and the over half million living Penn Staters. The media have already judged him, as have almost else.
No, this is my blog, so I’ll tell you how this makes me feel.

Actually do I need to tell you?

By the tone and words of people I have spoken with (and seen online) it seems that NON Penn Staters think ALL people from PSU: students, alumni, staff- knew about these deeds and were happy to let them continue. Umm that’s not how it is in reality, folks.

When I heard the news, I was at Beauty at the Beach. It was like someone kicked me hard in the stomach. I felt very sick. Lost. Helpless. I’ve spent the past two weeks defending my love for my alma mater to almost everyone. I AM a Penn Stater. I am STILL proud to be a Penn Stater. I even had one person in my face saying that unless I personally went to Happy Valley and KILLED Sandusky, Paterno and any and everyone who MAY have known, then I had no right to call myself a Nittany Lion. As I was at work, said person kept their teeth.
“An older woman who likes young boys is a cougar. An older man who likes young boys is a Nittany Lion.” Heard that one a zillion times.

I can’t speak for all Penn Staters, only for myself. I am crushed. It feels like a beloved uncle did this, and the family is disgraced. I see Penn State’s name dragged in the mud every day on the news and it hurts. (please spare me the “not as much as his victims” bit. We all get that idea, ok?)


My Penn State experience was one of the defining moments of my life. I went there because it’s spotless reputation in academics and that even our football program was clean. We could hold our heads high. At PSU, we were taught to work hard and that if we did, good things would happen. Do things the RIGHT way. (Yes, many schools have codes of conduct, I know, but I didn’t attend them.)

We all took it seriously, and held each other to that higher standard- during school and after graduation. When I was hiring people in past jobs, if a Penn Stater’s resume crossed my desk, I knew what I would get, and I hired many Nittany Lions.

Now what? The university is disgraced. All that I was taught there, was it a lie? A big fat lie wrapped in Blue and White?

And if Penn State is dirty, then can ANYONE be clean? Anywhere?

I hurt. Still. No end in sight as this will probably get so much worse before it gets better.

What will be left of my school when this is over? Some people call for it to be closed. We will definitely see enrollment drop, and with the over 50% cut in funding from the commonwealth; we may not be ABLE to stay open.


So many questions. No answers.

Sandusky does not represent me. Someday, perhaps, all will heal and there will again be laughter in Happy Valley. But I can never see it the same way ever again. The unstained pillar of my strength is gone.

Dante says that Sodomizers are doomed to the Inner part of Hell’s Seventh Circle. There they all reside in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining from the sky. Is that enough for the likes of a man who destroyed those boy’s lives and the lives of all who hold Penn State dear? Will he even see trial or will he take his own life first?

I don’t know.

The only thing I know is this:

I AM PENN STATE.

And I always will be.

Sophie at the beach

Last week I went to a conference called “Beauty and the Beach” down in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I won’t bore you with the day to day minutia. If you want that, please check my TG Forum column here: http://www.tgforum.com/wordpress/?p=12257

On the boardwalk, first day.

What matters the most to me was what I learned from this one and the friends I made. I could just spend a whole blog of shout-outs, but that’d be dull. They know who they are.

The experience was actually kind of strange. I arrived on Wednesday, and after unpacking a little, went for a pedicure at “Bad Hair Day” a few blocks away. Then I discovered that they did makeup as well, so they did that for me. I went back to the hotel, changed and walked the boardwalk for a while. I got a couple looks, but nothing major. Yet I did it- I walked around alone in broad daylight as a woman. It was wonderful!

I have a lot of family in lower Delaware (where Rehoboth is) as that area was where we all vacationed while I was growing up. Many of my cousins moved down there when they became old enough. Frankly, I never liked it- it was dull to someone without a car and who couldn’t attract a girl even if I taped $100 bills to myself (as was the case when I was a pre-teen and tween.)

One of the things we did back then was we’d come to the Rehoboth boardwalk once per visit. My brother and I would hit the arcades, etc. I remember watching the girls and thinking how lucky they were to be female- and this was when their journeys were just beginning! So it was extra special to retrace my steps that day, but now it was I wearing the heels and the skirt.

That night, I met some new people at dinner and we went out drinking. I seem to drink a bit at conferences. Character flaw. That night I went out dressed in a sweater, jeggings and boots. I really enjoyed going to a club in jeans and boots. I felt hot. My feet hated it though. After the bars closed, I went back to the boardwalk for another walk. It was very emotional for me to look down and see breasts and know I appeared female while walking the boards at night.

Night at the bar

So the next day, I did my own makeup. I wore jeans and a different sweater and walked about town a little. I must say that this was one of the best parts of the trip: walking around alone as a woman, shopping. I felt my hips sway as I walked, heard the clack of my ankle heels, and felt my breast forms bounce slightly in my bra. I was in heaven.

Evil Queen Sophie

That night was the costume contest. As I spent a lot of money and time with Lorraine getting my costume made, I really thought I had this one nailed. But I didn’t- came in second. The other costume deserved to win. And she made it herself. So back to the room, back on with the LBD and out for karaoke at the Blue Moon. The hostess saw me kneeling in front of the table with the song book and called me a “midget Amy Winehouse.” That was funny! I drank a lot, and sang “Love Stinks.” Walked home with a group of gurls and hung out in room 123, which was a large suite with a hot tub in it.

Friday, the wind blew! 30-40 mph sustained winds all but trapped us in the hotel. I did trivia, and basically hung around. That night was a “Hot legs” contest. Got my makeup done by Amanda Richards and wore my shortest skirt. I placed in the top three, of which I was very proud. So I changed into a longer skirt for a bit, then into a different outfit for partying at the bar. Drank a LOT.

Don’t Ask.

Saturday I felt like shit. Go figure. The hotel bar is cash only, so I went to the ATM to get some. Good thing I was in drab, as I bumped into a cousin. We talked for a bit. I was scared shitless. My cover story to everyone at home was “business trip around PA.” And what if she’d seen me as Sophie?

I was rattled- hard.

Went back to the room. It was a cloudy, windy day. I felt physically ill. I felt like everything about me was wrong. I mean, let’s look at it: I lie to my WIFE, to my work, to my friends, and to do what? Put on a dress and a bra and hang out at a bar? I packed up most my things. I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling thinking I should just go home. I wanted to go home and avoid everything.

Then Jone called from downstairs. And I went to her room (the now infamous suite 123) and we talked. She and another girl said I should tell my wife- sooner the better. Hard to argue that except for that one lil issue of “What if she throws me out?”

I stayed around. Amanda Richards did my makeup again, and when she was finished I looked in a full length mirror. Staring back at me was a woman. Me. Not some crazy ass mess of a guy- but a woman named Sophie. It made everything better for a moment. I smiled.

That night, I did a comedy routine for the show and people seemed to love it. I received a lot of compliments. I love compliments! What girl doesn’t? ;) After the show, I had my first drink of the day. I would only have one other.

Doing the stand-up

Later that night, we all sat in Jone’s room again. The mood was subdued. I really wasn’t in a talking mood myself. My hose were off, as was my corset. I sat on the floor in my dress. It wasn’t a question of “wrong” at that point. Being in a dress was right. The rest of my life seemed wrong- or is it just the way I’m conducting the two parts?

I drove home the next day. I didn’t tell my wife. I still haven’t. I’m scared. I went to Rehoboth to conquer a fear (of being dressed near family) and failed. I’m more scared now than ever.

At least I met new friends and enjoyed the time I WAS properly dressed. It was a good conference. Shame I couldn’t take away the lessons and make them work- yet.

Snowy Halloween

Ok, there are two things that should never happen before Halloween: Snow and Christmas Decorations. This year, we in the Philly area have both. I’ll have to speak to the management about this!


I was co-hosting a Halloween party on Saturday, October 29. It was at a friend’s place, and I supplied the stereo, bar, and some décor. She provided the house, food and beer. Now, this conflicted with Angela’s Laptop lounge Halloween party for the same night, but I had a plan.

We expected 20-40 people to attend this party. I figured around 10 or 11 o clock, I could slip away, go to Laptop, hang out for a little, and come back. After all, with all those people, I wouldn’t be missed. As long as I was back for the midnight judging of the costume contest. This year’s prize: a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka (supplied by me.)

Ok, so I decided to wear the Mary Marvel costume I wore to the Henri David Halloween Ball a couple years ago.

Mary Marvel 2009

Set up an appointment with Amanda Richards, and…

Snow????

Yes, snow. Predicted for anywhere between 1-8 inches. No freaking way!

The snow started early- heavy and wet. At two, I started up to Allentown for my appointment. On the turnpike I passed five trees down on the road. The leaves were still on them, and they caught the snow, and down they went! Many roads in this area are still (Monday) closed due to downed trees.

Mary Marvel 2011

After a while, I was ready, and Mary Marvel drove slowly down the turnpike toward the party. The original plan was to stop at the mall, get some appetizers from Fridays, maybe stop somewhere else for a drink, and arrive at the party at 7 ish. Well due to snow delays, etc, I didn’t get back into the area until 8:30, and arrived at the party at 8:45.

Two women live at the hostess’ house- the owner and a lodger. Neither is really big. Between them they had all but finished off a bottle of Jack Daniels. They were flying!

My "entrance"

Oh, did I point out that no one attending this party knows about Sophie? Nope to them I was (male name) attending in drag! So I arrive and they immediately starting laughing their asses off! And pictures! Poses! There was a third person there, but he doesn’t drink. He was in stitches laughing at me. All of them thought of the costume was great!

And they also thought I had some catching up to do. Three shots of Jack later, I had to fix my lipstick and the bottle was kicked. Fortunately, when I supply a bar, it’s properly stocked.

The Bar (the following morning)

Eventually we had a total of eight people. Ten o’clock came and went, and not only couldn’t I slip away, I drank too much to drive. I was only tipsy, but that’s too much, especially on a snowy, sleety night with trees falling. So I missed Laptop, as I guess many did. I wanted to be there to show support, etc, but it wasn’t to be.

Midnight! Slips of paper were given to each person to vote for best costume. I voted for a guy dressed as Rose from Titanic as she was being sketched (necklace, robe, but thankfully he wore pants). Besides, it’d be unseemly to vote for myself. The votes were counted…

And I won! Landslide! So (male name) in drag was a hit! If they only knew!

The Prize!

I opened the bottle, and we all did a shot of the vodka, and let me say that the bottle is FAR better than the vodka! Harsh!

Around 2 AM, I changed back to male mode, and crashed on the couch. The snow continued falling and the wind picked up. The party was a success for the few who came, and it was good to be me again for a night.


Tonight as I write this is Halloween- Sophie’s “third birthday.” I will not be me tonight. I will be at home, quietly waiting for trick or treaters with my daughter (we went trick or treating at the mall Saturday morning.) My gift to myself for Sophie day? Next week I will be attending “Beauty and the Beach.” Five days of womanhood! I can’t wait!