Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Plans for the year

It’s a new year.  While not a blank slate (let’s face it, time is a constant), it’s as good a time as any to reflect and change direction as any.
If you’ve been following this blog, you know the state of affairs currently.  I dress when I can, and my wife doesn’t know.  None of my friends know from my male side.  If my wife were to find out, she’d probably toss me out on my butt.  She’s not very tolerant of LGBT issues.  Nor is her mother, the hard core tea party right winger. 

So, I was at my therapist today and we discussed my future as Sophie.  My future looks rough.  Let’s face it- like many TG, I face ridicule, loneliness and poverty if discovered.  And there’s one bit we discussed that we really stayed away from before: my appearance. 

Since I usually am out one night a month, and that night is a TG night at a bar, I tend to dress up.  I show off my legs or breasts or both.  I get made up.  Sometimes, I look rather drag-ish.

Yeah, drag queen look.  For sure.

Occasionally, I dress down.  I don’t have many pics of that as I don’t carry my camera everywhere.  But let’s face it- if I ever intend to be a woman full time, I’ll have to blend in a bit.  Jeans and a top. 

Let’s review of the times I’ve been out and about and NOT been overdressed. 

On the way to Albany two years ago for the Empire Conference, I went shopping for the first time at an outlet.  I bought chocolate and a black top.  I was so scared I was visibly shaking, even with Jen along.  Jen actually masterminded this part of the trip. 

At the Outlet Mall

In Albany, I went to a drug store to get some Zantac.  The woman behind the counter didn’t want to ring me up.  I insisted.

 Shopping in Albany.  Yes, it's the same skirt.
At Keystone last year, I walked over to the Lane Bryant near the hotel alone.  In fact, I wore the black top I bought in Albany. I wrote about that here:

 If this isn't exactly the outfit, it's close.

Last spring (2010) I went for a walk through the very crowded King of Prussia mall on a busy Saturday night.  This is near where I live and I could’ve run into anyone I knew.  One short guy laughed at me.  I just threw my shoulders back, head held high and smiled.  I went to the MAC store and bought lipgloss.  When I went back to my car, I felt I was gonna have a heart attack. I wrote about that here: 

Look familiar?

Last summer- at the Trans-health Conference in downtown Philly I walked about the Reading Terminal Market.  But there were many of us around, so I don’t really count that one.

There's that skirt again!
Then at Rehoboth, I walked around a couple times alone during the day as a woman.  Once was in a skirt, and there are pics of that.  The next time was in jeans and a black sweater (did my own makeup) and there are no pics of that, but I did a photoshop composite of what I was wearing using other pics of me. I wrote about that here: 

On the Rehoboth boardwalk

I wore a different belt and necklace, but this is what I wore,
So, now it’s 2012.  If I’m going to be Sophie, I need more time AS Sophie, and not just dolled up at a bar. 

I need to be me in broad daylight.  As a woman.  Trying to blend in.

Here’s the difficulty- I’m 6’1” tall and I have shoulders like an aircraft carrier.  As I am, few will mistake me for anything but a TG.  The trick is not to care.  To discover if I am truly a woman, or if it’s just a part time thing.  “Put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars,” as the song says.

Is warming a barstool while wearing a skirt worth dissolving my marriage and career and old friendships? 

What about being a full time woman?

Tough questions, right?  Maybe, maybe not.

Ok, so what’s the ideal Sophie day out?

I’d wake up and prep.  Drive somewhere to do some window shopping.  Maybe a museum instead.  Go to a fun place for lunch and read a book.  Smile and enjoy a drink.  Walk about a little more.  Maybe then meet friends somewhere. 

What would I wear? Jeans or maybe a denim skirt.  Maybe that black top.  Sunglasses.  If it’s chilly, a sweater.  Nothing revealing.  Blend in.  Look like any other woman.

Ok, so when?

I work two jobs, so I’d need a day off both.  And a day when I could get home and cleaned up before anyone else returned.  That narrows it down to a “wait and see.” 

It will happen though.  It’s my next step as a woman. 

And I’ll tell you all about it when I do. 

Oh, speaking of dressing up at a bar, there’s a huge event this Saturday in New Hope, PA.  Close to a hundred t-girls are gathering for a “Late New year’s Eve.”  I wasn’t going to go, but I figured out how I could.  Tell you all about it soon.  As it’s a gala, I will be showing off a bit of leg and cleavage.  Drag queen Sophie.  Something like this probably.

 But not blonde.  And different shoes.

You know, same as I’ve always done.


  1. Sorry you are so conflicted there seems to be a gray area that you don't accept for yourself. There is plenty of space between hanging up your skirt and being a woman full time.

    I am looking forward to seeing you at raven this saturday night.

  2. Hi Sophie, its Victoria, I definitely agree with the premise that you have to find a way to be Sophie that is not as "glamorous". But there is nothing wrong with what you are doing now, you are expressing Sophie as much as you can, and being judicious about that.

    The constraints on you being Sophie more often, at this point in time, seem hard to shake, correct? As you have perfected your evening look, you now need to take the time to work on your daytime look. Certainly your face make-up can be toned down, that you can work with Amanda Richards with, and I would be more than happy to go shopping one day in guy mode if you wish to help you find daytime clothes, or figure out a look. I like your Rehoboth look, I think you just have to find a jean look for sure, and what works better for a more full figured woman. Look forward to seeing you this weekend at the Raven. Xoxo, Victoria